Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were to go through our life without any obstacles, we would be crippled. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Give every opportunity a chance, leave no room for regrets.
Friedrich Nietzsche

It is usually in the night where the mind ego is most active. 

I dream of things that can bring me down and I wake up thinking of them.  Things that I am able to ignore  during the day demand to be seen at night.  Is that not strange?

I can ignore the stressors to some extent when I am awake...I walk around with my eyes wide open but blind...otherwise I would go crazy in my attempt to put out or prevent one fire after the other as they appear. 

Take this house, for example...a minor inability to keep it up to par in maintenance and cleanliness because of my health has turned it into a rectangular culture medium that would make Kim and Aggie squirm right out of their pink gloves.

I am sure the pathetic state of it  is settling somewhere inside me as I walk around in it but because I do not have the energy to deal with what needs to be done or to clean it...I  shut so much of it out.

The fact that I am hanging on to it by a thread can also be denied even when  I am short on another mortgage payment like I was this month and the bank calls.  I don't answer the phone.  The fire is obviously getting bigger and bigger all around us but I deny it. 

I refuse to see all the issues and problems and crisis during the day.  Yet, I cannot help but to see those fires  when my eyes are closed or I am laying in the dark.

The night, especially the dreaming part,  reminds me of trauma, crisis and urgent issues I need to acknowledge or deal with.  It whispers to me in the hush of the wee hours..."Your life really is not like that of other people's.  As much as you and others try to normalize it...you really can't.  There has been an extraordinary amount on your plate for years now...no human being can handle that much for that long and not crack.  My God....woman...think of what you had to deal with..." and then it starts running a video show in my head of the biggies I am dealing with now and the ones I had to deal with in the last 10 years and before that.  

It will occasionally show a few of the normal daily stressors in there like work related stress, relationship issues, parenting issues  but only to show me the comparison between the normal and the "crazy, bizarre, out of the norm" things most people I am presently in contact with  cannot even consider let alone understand. If anyone deserves to say, "I have some stressors in my life," I do.   (There ...ego got a say lol)

When I observe  the events of my life from  this quiet space I see my story  really is extraordinary and worthy of a good book jacket wrapped around it. More than anything ...it is worthy of some precious learning opportunity to gain and share. 

I also find myself asking as I look up at the ceiling in those early morning hours, "Why me?"  It is no longer my "victim" ego that asks that question but the observer .  I want to know..."Why did this all show up or why did I create it?" The observer asks and at the same time the observer knows the answer but I (the little I)  don't lol. 

I would like to think the observer  whispers back in a language I am just beginning to understand, "Because you asked for it.  This is what you asked for before you arrived here.  You knew what you were doing then...you knew what you needed to learn and to grow...so Life provided the opportunities for that growth...just as you asked.  Everything in your life is going exactly the way it is supposed to...the way you wanted it to.  It's all good!"

Wouldn't that be wonderful to hear that and to know that when we ask such a profound question?

I would love to believe that I am not a victim to random events; that I am not "cursed" lol.  I would love to believe that I asked for all this for some higher purpose I have yet to fully understand.  That would make it all worthwhile, wouldn't it?  

 I could lay there in those early hours, when the shadows of passing car lights are dancing across my wall, knowing that it is all going to be worth it; it's all going to be okay.  It's all good!

All is well in my world...day and night. :) .