What Jesus had to say about Anxiety

 

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?[a] And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.  But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.  But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 6:25-34 ESV https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+6%3A25-34%2CLuke+12%3A22-32&version=ESV

Wow!  I have to get back to this one. 

All is well!

From Resistance to Courage

God grant me ......the courage to change the things I can...

 Resistance comes in many layers.  In an attempt to avoid feeling uncomfortable feelings as they arise we may resist them by  squishing them down under other feelings, thoughts or behaviours that are less uncomfortable and easier to handle. So when we feel something we decide we would rather not feel we most of us resist it in one  of  many ways.  We push it down or away ( which  always means it doesn't actually go away but gets stuffed inside).  We then reach  for something else, that is less uncomfortable or painful,  to cover it up with.  Before long, the root cause of our suffering is hidden under layers and layers of resistance. ...and this resistance is made up of many emotions that have been trapped under each layer. 

I realize this is what I did with my present living situation. The root cause of my discomfort here is buried under layers of other "stuff" .  The original pain related to this did not go away with my attempts to resist it.  It has been  bubbling under the surface pushing itself up through each layer.  I knew in order to "let go" to it...I needed to first look at my resistance, notice and then allow the experience of feeling and thought from each layer to pass through me as it was exposed. Despite its very personal nature, I share that layer exposure and  revealing here.  It is a good honest example of what it can look like.  

Layers of resistance and where I am at now:

·         Top Layer of resistance : Blame: As I see an individual I do care about slipping into old behaviours or at least getting to the point it is not being  hidden very well anymore...especially now that this gut instinct has once again made its way to my awareness .…I feel a certain resentment in realizing that all I sacrificed in the last ten months to "help" was not only not beneficial... it was unrecognized,  unappreciated, and used to serve an energy I did not want to serve. (Not that this was done with malicious intent...it is just at this level of unconsciousness, awareness of the rights and needs of others is greatly impaired.) It did not help the cause I was intending to help.  I don't want to feel this resentment and anger inside me  so I resist it . I squish it down and cover it up by pointing a finger and blaming others for my being in a situation that felt so unhealthy for me for such a long time. That’s the top layer of resistance I encounter: a resistance layer of "blame" thrown over the anger and resentment  I don't want to deal with.   

·        The second layer of resistance is built with this idea that I have a right to have  anger towards others. I am actually resisting an anger I have at myself for allowing myself to stay in an unhealthy situation, one where my energy, my space, my time and what I thought was "mine"  was constantly being depleted by others who didn't seem to notice or care. No one out there put me in this  situation...I somehow, because of my desire  to serve and help this person in need;  because of a  core belief that others needs are more important than my own; because of a deep rooted fear of 'not being nice'; because of fear that I might destroy my relationship if I said 'no';  and possibly because of some pathological need to  sabotage my own quest for peace,  agreed to do this.  I allowed this person, who I knew was drowning in this dangerous, unconscious energy,  in my home. (I mean there were some outside pressures and manipulations but truth is...I always had the power to refuse, which I did do a few times throughout this but it kept coming back in [referring to the energy, not the person]).  I  watched myself deny the importance of my own needs, my right to space, respect, cleanliness,  some semblance of domestic order and control, a sense of safety and security  and basic consideration ...over and over again . "Little me" suffered tremendously because of this...I  felt hurt, disappointment, sadness, anger, resentment, grief over what I gave up and what I lost...as well as great frustration upon realizing it was all in vain. When I see what I did to this version of litttle me...I get mad at myself and self-deprecate. How could I allow this to happen to me!Man...I am  still stuck in that unworthiness crap where I  believe I deserve punishment and hardship  in order to pay rent for being on this planet?  Pathetic!  Having this deep rooted stuff 'touched' is a big ouch! Taking ownership of this situation and my feelings also  feels so uncomfortable.  I resist! Being  mad at others and assuming  a victim position in my mind where I convince myself I  have a right to be angry because I was "put in a situation against my will"  helps to distract me into resistance of the deeper feelings. . I rationalize that right by saying I did attempt to assert myself several times, with sit down meetings and requests that turned into 'nagging' and angry demands and eventually into a 'giving up" when the requests were not honored or even "laughed at".  But truth is, I wasn't assertive enough...I said over and over again if the house rules were not followed people would  have to leave...but I didn't follow through. I own that!!!  That is on me!!! Instead of taking ownership for what I have done to me by not being assertive enough to say "No! That is enough.  I can't handle that energy anymore  with everything else I got going on! This is not working for me...we have to make changes!"  it was easier to collect grievances and blame others for  making my life so much more challenging than it had to be. So it was easier to build a case against them and their patterns of behaviours (behaviours I knew I would confront if I agreed to let this energy into my home), instead of accepting the truth about my own responsibility in this. I spent a great dal of energy resisting self directed anger by justifying my victm status in this situation.   So I resisted this anger I had at myself, resisted my ownership in this  with a layer of other directed anger.

·         The third layer: I am using a spiritual disquise to soothe the pain "little me" feels. I seek the  spiritual in all my life circumstance, especially this one.  I am telling myself that what I am losing in terms of space, property, peace, health, time, sense of self care, is "good".  I tell myself losing "me, my, and mine" is part of my spiritual path. I beleive that and this is partially true here...but it is not 100 %  genuine at this point. Ego is still around directing this resistance, using a spiritual disquise  to create another layer of resistance  over uncomfortable feelings I get when I am angry with myself  for my responsibility in  being in this situation. Though my overall intention is to actually “let go” of ego , the “me, my, and mine” in the long run, I am not letting go here because the intention is not purely  spiritual…it is more mental…I realise it is just the mind trying to protect me from  more pain by diminishing and justifying this deep sense of loss as a postive aspect on my spiritual journey.  Thinking it is all "opportunity for growth and expansion"  does alleviate some of  the discomfort so it may have some spiritual benefit but not enough to call it a spiritual practice…It is, at this point, more a form of escape from the uncomfortable..it is another layer of resistance. 

·         The Forth layer: Over compensating and rationalization to resist spiritual shame. I am  resisting the feelings of discomfort,  mostly of shame and guilt,  that arise when despite my spiritual practice of giving, attempting to see only the good in others, providing service, being truly helpful, compassionate and kind,  removing the clinging that comes with ownership etc I  find myself  reacting very negatively  to the unconscious behaviour of others.  I am not only paying attention to it, I am collecting evidence of it and spend periods of time denying the positive and good I do see in this individual...There is some positive energy here as well, and when the other energy is napping I can see it. There has been some progress ...a bit more honesty maybe, refraining from the hard stuff for almost a year, a few attempts made to actively recover and get out there, love and concern for his dad, gentleness around the pets at times ( as long as they are not 'annoying' him) ...When I am in reactive mode, I push those things aside because I want to focus on the negative, to make it a clear case of "right or wrong"... ....which is far from evolved behaviour.  I catch myself watching with some pair of mental binnoculars on my face for evidence of that very unconscious and destructive energy emerging in the form of disrespect, passive aggressive lashing out towards me or others, destruction of property, a sense of entitlement  and I judge it harshly.  I even actively react to it or get verbally angry.  These reactions intensify when I see evidence that what I have offered so far is  not helping…that I am enabling, feeding this negative energy instead of the positive energy within this individual, at cost to my Self or at least to my little self…I hear myself saying “I don’t want this in my life” which fills  me with guilt for being so selfish. I know is is a preference judgement, a clinging and a resistance in itself to what is which I believe I "should not" be doing if I am trying to awaken. So I have an intense feeling of spiritual shame and personal guilt.   I resist that by over compensating and  becoming  more selfless.  I compensate and attempt to redeem myself from this shame by being more self-less.  In some weird way it is like I am  renouncing and sacrificing  my own rights and needs for another and not "judging" this other. It means giving up any semblance of “my home, my space, my peace, my time, my needs”   to this hungry energy that keeps wanting more…telling myself that this “renouncing” of some kind is a spiritual practice that will serve some greater good in the long run.  At the same time I know  it is actually a self  and other destructive practice. What I am doing is not helping him and it is not helping me. In a true spiritual practice we have compassion for all...and self is included in that all, not denied. 

·         The Fifth Layer: Changing the story or at least the characters to cover this knowing I have that what I am offering here is not helpful. Little glimpses of evidence of this unhealthy pattern for me and others, but especially for me, keep coming up. I don't see true change and steps toward recovery. So I ask myself..."Why am I doing this? This is crazy"...I feel like a failure, that I wasted my time and energy trying to help in a situation where my help was not used for the "right" reasons. That is hard to accept...so I resist. I change the story and remove self responsibility from the individuals.  In my mind, I turn them into  victims without the power or know-how needed to choose a better way of  being. I tell myself I can make respond like a martyr by making my mission one of selfless giving to them because the unconsciousness I am noticing is a sign of their need.  Maybe if I become more conscious, it will pull their consciousness up. (There is definitely a spiritual superiority at play, as well)    I will convince myself that this person truly wants to rid self  of this energy and just needs the love and support from others, like myself, to do so. So I resist the reality  of his responsibility in his own life  by changing the story in my mind....they the victim...and me the selfless martyr. Yick!

·         The Sixth Layer: Supression, Repression and Denial the fear and shame. I squish down the feeling, the twisiting in my gut, the memories of past incidents and the evidence that keeps coming up to warn me that we are dealing with a lot more here than meets the eye. I see the lack of remorse, appreciation, of concern.  I see how quickly very empty “thank you”s can turn into rage when someone stands in the way of desires and needs being met. I see the sense of entitlement and the desire to use what I offer  as a safe place to hide in …rather than a  place to heal in. I see the intention  this energy has to grow and its need to be fed by others, overpowering the positive energy in him. It is very painful for me to think that someone could be this unconscious…could lack so much concern for the Life God blessed them with or to be so careless and unconcerned about the well being of others. (Judging, I know! Thinking I am spiritually superior because I landed on a different place on the game board after throwing the dice)  Despite all that...It also scares me.  As I get closer to the root cause of my resistance I notice the fear. There is a fear for my own safety and the safety of others here. There has been since the beginning! This energy has put  this individual and others at risk in all ways. My memory will chirp in and remind  me that I,  and others, were in harm’s way many times before whether it was directly or indirectly related to this energy. I didnèt process through those fearful incidents...I just stuffed them.   I ignored the consequences of such an energy. It is actually a very dangerous type of unconscious energy.  As soon as I say that out loud…I feel the fear.  I tell myself I cannot deal with that with everything else I got going on so I squish it down. I cover it up by  telling myself : I   am judging, creating a monster out of a mouse, being too dramatic.  This supresses the fear but creates more shame. So I  ignore, supress, repress and deny any of the evidence that might pop up in little ways to prove that a destructive and potentially dangerous  energy is simply being fed here. I resist facing my fear  through old practiced defense mechanisms.

·         The seventh Layer:  Ignoring the Gut instinct.  Then as I get closer to the root I see that this all began because I resisted my gut instinct. What my gut instinct was telling me from the beginning was to keep my distance...that  this energy was damaging and poetentially dangerous. "Love and be kind but keep your distance! It is not safe!  "  I resisted my gut instinct because the reality of what it is telling me is too hard to deal with and because it is seldom validated by others. When I tried to express the fear and concern this intuition was bringing up before I always got shot down.  Had a psychiatrist tell me that I basically was wrong for feeling the way I did.  She countered my expressed concerns  with the fact that the individual  was her best patient and I was more or less told he had to come home with me.  I later asserted myself, refused to take him back,  stressing also that he should not go to another loved one’s place…she wasn’t well.  That was ignored…he went there.  Two days later she died.  I took  him back in with a sincere desire to help him with his grief and neurological issues …for a month...just for a month...expressing again and again to outside forces that he is going to get stuck in a comfort zone here... and  many months later we are still here. He has dug so deep into this comfort zone....I don't see an end to this unless I do something! There is no intentions of leaving.  No one else seems to see it or care about this or my powerful gut instinct and what it tends to pick up. So I gave up expressing my fears and concerns …I gave up trusting my gut instinct.  I resisted what it was telling me. I lost hope that things would change. I accepted a life situation that was not good for me. 

Underneath all these layers of resistance in this circumstance is a gut instinct that wants to be heard pushing its way up through all the layers.  It is coming up regardless if I want it to or not. I am willing, however, to let it come up…so I can look deeply into it. 

I may find that it has little validation or, I assume I will find, like I do with most of these feelings, that it does.  Regardless ...I need to heed its message.  I need to realize that is okay to exercise my rights and needs in my own home, to maybe...just for now...put Self first.  The most important mission in my Life right now is to connect and operate from that peaceful center.  Though this might be a wonderful learning platform for a more advanced student...I am obviously not that advanced. I seem to be failing miserably. 

I cannot stress enough...this is not about the person.  Inside the persons involved in this unconscious energy , which is btw basically just the pain body Eckhart Tolle teaches about, is a beautiful perfect being.  I truly believe that and I see that being emerging from time to time.  I do! There is hope and potential for this person to become more evolved! It is just not going to happen here. This , what we are offering, is not helping. 

I really am not like a lot of people either. I need to protect my energy so I can learn, grow and expand.  Because I am so sensitive to the energies of others. I do need to be careful who I am around. 

This sitution is not working for me and that should be enough reason to make change. I do have rights in my own home and I can exercise them. Why give up those rights when I am not helping, possibly enabling an energy, that is self and other destructive , to grow? There is nothing spirtual about that.

I know I focus a lot on the first line of the serenity prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...but I tend to forget the second line . ..the courage to change the things I can. 

Delving into these layers of resistance that are exposing themselves to me is showing me that though accepting what is without resistance is always the  first step...sometimes we need to advance to the next step and change that which can be changed. We can ask for the courage needed to make change with love, compassion and kindness  whenever change is called for. It is called for!

All is well

Outside and Inside Resistance

 

Don't deal with anything outside, until you deal with it inside.

Michael Singer

I am still thinking a great deal about resistance and why it is so important to "let go" and "Let Life" do what it will. In most cases, resistance, is something we want to avoid...or  "let go" of. It is often the main thing in our way of staying open to the  natural, peaceful center within us.  We want to be open to what is, right? Amazing things can happen if we learn to let go of resistance. 

Letting Go of Resistance

We can actually change external circumstances. My finger, which was three times the size of  the one on the other hand on Saturday,  is almost  normal now ,without any intervention what so ever.  There is very little  swelling redness or heat in it.  I was so sure it was going to be an IV antibiotic scrape...it looked (and felt) that bad. Poof! Gone! I can't explain it but I am very happy about it and grateful!! And I can actually bend it lol! 

Not that the finger issue was anything big but it was something I was internally resisting.  I so didn't want to have to go in to ER to get a doctor to look at it. Stress, as we know, affects the immune system. What we resist persists...this idea that my finger may need IV antibiotics...was literally making my finger worse.   I let go of my resistance to the fact that my finger was infected, however,  and made some semblance of peace with the decision  that if it was not somewhat better by Monday, I would go in. In the meantime I told myself  would "let it go".  I mean...I really let it go...out of sight and out of mind. When Monday came  the finger was so much better, and even better still on Tuesday. Wow!  

I also made complete peace with my glasses.  I went in to the office,  told the person there they were not the ones I ordered but that I would accept them if they got adjusted properly and decided to say they are what they are.  When I think about the fact that they were not the ones I picked out and that they were expensive ...I feel nothing in the resistance center of my gut...no twisting and turning...just nothing.  On Friday...the gut was so active over this issue. ...my lack of reaction now tells me the feeling has passed through. 

Transcending Resistance

I know I have transcended the resistance in these areas. I noticed and allowed the experiences and what they had to offer into my life, into my conscious awareness...I allowed the resistance as well and it all just passed through me.  In one situation the external circumstances even changed without me having to do anything. I think that is amazing.

Trying to Deal Inside

It is true.  We need to work on our insides before we deal with the outside. Resistance can indicate that we are closing up internally to selected experiences because they do not meet our preferences, expectations and pleasure centers....because they don't make us feel good inside.  Many times resistance is an indication that we have some stuffed stuff inside that was touched by that which we resist( push away or avoid feeling) whether it be  some person's behaviour, or some circumstance. When we resist we shut down, retract and contract from the flow of Life, instead of letting this energy  just pass through us the way it is meant to . We don't stay open. So in most cases letting go is the answer when we feel the first twinge of resistance.  (With me...it is in my gut). 

Michael Singer stresses that the spiritual path should be one of non resistance, so we should relax and release into everything we encounter. 

But...

Sometimes, we need to deal with what is going on outside...

And this is what I really want to write about. All forms of resistance, I am discovering, are not created equal.  

Gut Feeling Telling Us to Resist Something Out There

Sometimes resistance serves another purpose.  Sometimes it is there to make us listen in what we casually call a gut feeling! Gut feelings, many times , I believe, are a form of resistance to what is when what is is potentially damaging or destructive on our path to peace. Sometimes the blockages to our discovery of Self are affected directly by external energies and not just our reaction to them.  

There are times, maybe, when there are certain external energies on our path that we should not relax and release into, that we should not  let flow through, that we should walk around.  There are energies that originate outside of us that are harmful to our bodies, psyches and all that which surrounds the peaceful center. An angry Grizzly Bear is just an angry Grizzly...neither good or bad...just a bear being a bear but that doesn't mean one doesn't get out of its way when it ends up on our path. Usually we get a good strong resistance feeling when we encounter that energy that says "Move!". .

The Root of Resistance

I believe, as I spoke about in my last few entries, I am encountering that energy.  Right where I am now, I believe,  provides a perfect example of a very tricky Life lesson brought on by encountering this type of  resistance. Now when I look into this , I see layers and layers of resistance over some buried stuff related to a deeper more authentic form of resistance, the root of all this,  that I believe is my gut instinct.  When I strip all the  other layers of resistance away I see I am confronting this dark, unconscious energy in another and I am being told to resist it, not to let it in. 

So I take that pure inner declaration that comes from a place I cannot see or explain and try to apply concepts to it so I understand what I am suppose to do with  it on teh spiritual level. I am asking "Do I allow it and  let go to it in hope that it passes through me without doing too much damage to the exterior me that isn't really me anyway or do I resist it by saying : "No!I don't want this in me" because it itself can not only directly take me from peace but it can do and has done damage? 

Without the many layers of outer resistance to this resistance that I have been seeing through, I notice it in my experience now.  I see how it has impacted my life over the last ten months...how I reacted to it with supression, repression, avoidance, denial etc...placing one layer of resistance on top of the other....only to have the deepest core resistance push its way to the surface again and again.  It wants to be heard!  So I can look at this gut feeling now. I even allow it now ...I allow it all ....but the question is ...do I allow it to go any further within me. I hear "No!" from my gut instinct.  

 I still need to relax and release into what is, remove judgement, expectation and  a need to know what will happen from my experience and allow it to just be. ...for now.  That is always the most important  first step. Then I unravel one layer of resistance at a time...sit with it...let it flow through me. ...using my gut twisting to indicate if it has passed through or not.  When I can sit with all that I was resisting without feeling the gut twist with a need for more resistance...then I will know it passed through.  Then I can continue with the inspired action needed to make change in a loving, clear headed and peaceful way that will benefit all in the end.

Okay...I know what I have to do. And in this case resistance is telling me I have to do something.

All is well! 

Messy Inside

Our inner 'issues' are the road map to spirituality....The messier we are  inside the better.

Michael Singer

Just thinking about yesterday's entry and all the stuff I spewed out about my resistance to a certain thing I have been living with and reacting to ( I use 'thing' becasue , by no means, am I referring to the person or persons involved...just behaviour and energy that can sometimes surround them )  I felt so bad about it...like I was the farthest thing from evolved as a person could be, almost 'evil' in my resistance and I felt shame. Upon  hearing the above words from  the video listed below, however, I feel better.   I realize that my seeking to understand this is actually a step toward spiritual serenity and letting go.  

It is only in noticing the obstacle, a willingness to look at it and admit honestly to self or others that it is there...can we go through the work of removing it.  Our spiritual work is simply the removal of these obstacles, what Patanjali referred to as mental modificatons, that are there is the way of our natural state of peace.  Peace is there where it always was...we just can't see it because of all the mental crap/inner issues we got lost in... inside. 

Removing these issues, one by one, will allow us to reconnect with what as always there.

Hmm! Something to think about. 

All is well.

Michael Singer/ Sounds True ( July, 2021) Doing the Real work to Free Yourself. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDp9I9qwjrQ

 

Resisting Again

 

Always trust your gut instincts. If you genuinely feel in your heart and soul that something is wrong, it usually is. 

Unknown

Oh that resistance feeling 

Wow!  I have been feeling very resistant lately and I can't really point a finger at exactly what I have been resisting. I mean ...I am finding lots of things to resist like the fact that I am wearing very expensive frames right now that are not the ones I originally picked out; my finger is infected and I might have to enter the health care system again; I am so broke; I don't like the expensive gift someone gave me...just so not me and I don't know how to express that; my house is falling a part and everyone else is contributing heavily to its unhygenic messiness and demolition but  not its maintenance; I am being very much disrespected and taken advantage of by others  and worse I am allowing myself to be. I try to make peace with all these small things ...I do...and I think I am successful but the resistance feeling in my gut will not let up.  I am starting to realize that these smaller things are actually pointing to a major source of resistance within me.

What am I truly resisting? 

All I know is  I am feeling the twisting in my gut and the hairs up on the back of my neck, followed by the subliminal and sometimes outspoken batches of " This is bad, wrong, and shouldn't be!"...I am reacting to others behaviour and choices; I am 'blaming' before I have evidence; I am very supsicious and mistrusting; I am collecting grievances and then looking to justify them; I am on edge, walking on egg shells. I am forever looking over my shoulder again. Then I look at what I am doing and I am filled with shame and guilt, self deprecation.  "I have no evidence for this! I am not nice! I am possibly hurting others! I am here to be kind and helpful ...not to offer "this" to the world!!! What is wrong with me?"  

So I work even harder on letting go, being kinder, more compassionate, more peaceful.  Still...I have that heavy dark cloud of negativity following me around and I can't see clearly through its fog.  It is confusing.  

My home does not feel comfortable...well it doesn't feel like "my" anything...If I dare to be completely honest...I feel I am gradually, slowly and meticulously being pushed out of the way by something very dark. Something I can't see...an energy of some kind emenating from others.  That sounds strange I know. I guess, what I am trying to say is...it is not the people, never the people in the  sense of who they really are and I know that in my core but sometimes people are at a certain level of consciousness where their personas, thoughts, emotions, needs and desires ...what Eckhart Tolle would call their "pain bodies" are calling eh shots and exuding an energy taht is not pleasant.  It has an effect on other people, especially if they are sensitive. For that reaosn, I don't like the energy in this house anymore. In fact I don't want to be in it. Something is up!!!  I can feel it in every cell and it doesn't feel good inside me.  That is all I "know". 

I also know I had this feeling before and the "why" of that experience only hit me after months of living with something dangerously aimed at me that I couldn't see . Is it the same thing?  Man that feeling I had back then never went away completely...it was certainly diminshed, certainly subdued by both some heavy duty defense mechanisms ( supression, repression and denial) as well as my spiritual committment to accept and allow what is into my experience and find peace with it. But lately...it is back and I mean big time. 

It is like my antennaes are reaching beyond my need for serenity and my desire  to peacefully let go, twirling their way through outward appearances others are offering me and are picking up information my normal mind can't pick up, quickly  relaying it back to me...I think it is saying but I don't know: "Resist! Things are not as they seem and even what they seem to be is not something you should be a part of. Something is going down, you might have to make some changes!!" It is so bloody strong.  It actually leaves me on edge. It confuses me because just like the last time...I cannot put a finger on it and say "That's it!  That is what is causing this feeling!" Then Life played out and I saw my feelings were so totally justified.

Will it be another after the fact type of realization of the cause? And will the next time be too late? Will this thing that is about to go down be drastic?

That is what my mind is doing...really!  And it is all so bizarre!  Maybe I am the one with paranoid delusions or maybe the paranoid delusions are back in another. I am definitely seeing the clear signs of disorganized thinking again. Is this what I am picking up? Psychosis in another? I can handle psychosis...I can.  I can handle the aftermath of addiction. I can handle short term memory loss as a result of brain injury.   I can handle depression and the associated bouts of anger often seen in males who are depressed but I get that strong gut feeling that 'this' is different.  Can I handle  "this!"...whatever "this! is I am picking up? I don't know.   "This!" is the source of my resistance, I believe, even though I can't explain what "this" is . 

This feeling within me  has been lingering here ever since an individual with a humungous pain body entered my home.  The kind of pain body that fills a whole house even when every attempt possible is made to hide it away. It is a sticky, heavy, dark   energy that lingers over everything...well it has that effect on me. It is debilitating almost for me leaving me with this gut chewing feeling.  I have been denying it, stuffing it, pushing it aside...but...this feeling within me wants to be heard. I don't know  but I don't think I can supress or repress it anymore.  It is so strong and it is a "warning" type of feeling telling me I cannot live like this! 

I am noticing little indications of its reality, accepting, trying to make peace with it   because it is what it is.  I try not to judge some of the things that happen here because of it and what that means for me in terms of extra clean up and effort...I try not to expect anything...I try to remove shoulds and shouldn't be's when I look at behaviour, especially... but man ...it too often feels like too much. I tell myself this is a lesson...a perfect learning opportunity for my growth...but man is it a toughy!!!  This is either one of those heavy duty lessons from the universe to help me to let go...or it is a not so gentle push to get me  to care for myself enough to say..."enough is enough!". Will I learn what I need to learn to pass?  ...

Besides all that...the main selfish reason is I don't want this energy  I have in my home and in my life right now. I don't...I just don't wnat the energy around me. I am "preferring" and saying out loud, "It is not what I want!"  I don't like this energy at all...I am judging it as "bad, wrong and shouldn't be". This is resistance to what is, is it not?

Number one rule in Life is not to expect it to be a certain way...right?  To notice and accept what Life is offering. This is definitely not the life I imagined in my retirement years, not the peaceful quiet  almost private living environment I yearned for.   Sure Life is full of surprises and ups and downs.  I am okay with that but this wasn't one of those curve balls  that just showed up to disrupt some unrealistic idea I had of Life..

This energy, this pain body in another,  feels like something that dug its way in with a mission to get me out of the way so it can get what it wants. Despite some semblance of politeness, and outward appearances of something different...this thing I am picking up seems to be  all about getting what it wants.(I stress again...it is not the person...it is the energy they exude  that I am referring to...taht is why I use "it" and "thing", k?  People that exude this energy  are not even aware of it...I can love the person, but the energy...man) I don't see compassion, respect, concern, and remorse for past mistakes...I just see its desperate need to survive and keep going the way it intends to go. That is what my gut is telling me. I don't want to live with that energy. I don't. This is not the type of consciousness and emotional energy I want to surround myself with...just the opposite.

And I know...as I have clearly told others ...if we let this go on, it will go on forever. To it, this energy that is dominating,   whether I am here tomorrow  or not is completely irrevelant  as long as I am not in its way!   Everything will be peaceful here only if I do what others have done for years,  close my eyes and keep feeding this thing exactly what it wants. I am not willing to do that anymore.  I don't think I can.  And now I think I might be in the way...especially since I already stressed an end date to indicate a  "no more" for my own peace of mind.  That end date has been twisted, manipulated, extended for a thousand different reasons but I cannot allow that anymore. I am resisting. . 

Man...that was a big one on resistance.

I sat and meditated today on intuition guidance...trying to understand what my gut was telling me about what I was resisting  and this (what I wrote about here)  came to the surface.  I didn't associate the feelings I am having now with the same feelings I had back then in January when everything came to light.  I didn't...until after my meditation. This is what came out of that meditation .  Then I sat down to review what was read in the last 24 hours and there it was:  an entry from January with that quote above on it.  I had a very bad feeling then that something bad was going to happen related to this feeling within me and what  I was picking up...not the person...it is not the person I am referring to...just the energy coming from a certain level of unconsciousness...and two days later someone was dead (not that the person had anything to do with it...just there was a lot of negativity in the air)  and my home was full of this energy again.

Hmmm! .  

I really don't know what to do here with all this.  I write it here but I might not keep it here for long.

Afternote: Something came to light in the evening to comfirm in my mind that my feeling was right...if we dare to use the word right.

So I guess, we need to look at the possibility that sometimes our resistance serves a purpose? 

All is as it is. :) .  

 

On This Day

On this day,

the beginning of my 58th year,

I celebrate 

in the only  way 

I like to celebrate

 milestones 

of passing time.

I come here. 

I sneak out 

to my crowded 

dining room table

which is now 

my writing space,

while all those

 who need so much

of my time, 

my space, 

my energy

are still in bed.  

I want to be alone

with my tea

and my furry friends, 

if they care to join me

but atlas 

they are too lazy 

and sleep in

this morning. 

I ignore the books 

piled high 

on this makesift desk,

the pages and pages 

of notes

scribbled...

yes... literally scribbled 

onto notebooks 

and loose pages...

notes 

I intend 

to get to someday 

in my many, many 

yet to be complete 

writing projects. 

The mass of wires 

necessary  for me 

to transfer thoughts 

and images 

onto this machine 

are tangled 

around my feet....

while the somehwat 

neglected cameras 

and equipment

 awkwardly 

clump together

for comfort,

collecting dust 

on top of the 

dining room hutch,

 a place 

they don't belong.  

There is a plaque 

on my table 

from the college 

I used to teach at,

recently opened 

from the purulator package 

it came in. 

It was 

a birthday surprise,

I suppose, 

saluting 

my retirement

 two years ago, 

when  I

thinking it would be

best for all

because my body 

would not behave, 

snuck out 

the back door.

I didn't think 

anyone noticed.

The gratitude journal, 

a thoughtful friend 

gave me 

on my birthday 

four years ago

is open 

and I can see 

the scribbly writing

on today's entry 

that reads

"Thanks for 58 years of Life" .

I feel like 

I accomplished something.

 I have made it 

to the bottom 

of the pages...

the last year 

of open entries

and I know somehow 

that means something.

I can hear the faucet 

in the messy  kitchen...

 dripping.

It has to be replaced 

but I know 

that won't get done 

anytime soon.

I can't afford a plumber 

or a faucet

and wait for others

who are so busy 

doing their things

to do 

what they cheerifully say 

they will do.   

The roof is leaking.

There are big brown circles 

on my ceiling tile.

I drop my eyes,

 telling myself,

that on this day

the beginning of my 58th year...

I will not look up.

So I look down 

to see a very red 

pinky finger

busy keeping up 

with the others

dancing along the keys.

It is three times bigger 

than my other pinky.

I let an infection 

I got from the tiniest 

of openings

over a week ago, 

go too long. 

This little finger  

just didn't seem 

as important

as all the other things 

I had on my plate

so I told myself ...

it would go away. 

It didn't .

I will probably need 

IV antibiotics

which sounds like overkill, 

I know...

but is  the course of treatment 

for such a thing. 

I tell myself,though 

on this day...

the beginning of my 58th year, 

I will not look down. 

Instead, 

I look out 

the windows 

that surround me.  

The blue sky welcomes me...

well not "me",

it does not know 

this  "me"...

It welcomes eveything ...

in such a loving, 

accepting  way.

Understanding

in some way

I can't explain

that I am 

a small

but significant part 

of that everything...

I relax

into its embrace.

When I do

I hear 

the most beautiful muisc 

of robin song

being played 

amongst the branches 

of  my favorite 

companions.

I settle into 

this precious moment 

on this day,

 the beginning of my 58th year,

and I breathe.

There is a beautiful sprig 

of lavender 

beside me,

a gift 

from another friend 

who knows me 

better than she 

thinks she does.

I breathe

 in the sweet, 

familiar scent

and allow 

the healing aroma

to comfort 

this clump of flesh 

I call "me". 

 I can feel them 

in my eyes 

for some reason 

wanting, 

and needing 

to come out,

to trickle down 

the aging skin of 

these  cheeks.

I know better now 

than to resist them.

They

 and whatever 

buried secrets or stories 

 they hold within 

their liquid truth

just are 

what they are...

not good, 

not bad,

just energy

flowing,

passing through,  

like all things in 

 Life 

are meant to do.

I relax 

into them. 

I relax 

into all 

that surrounds 

the everything 

I am.

I breathe...

on this day,

the beginning of my 58th year, 

of precious Life. 

© Dale-Lyn, July 2021

All is well! 

The Disease of the Mind

 The great way is not difficult for those who have no preferences. When love and hate are both absent everything becomes clear and undisquised. Make the smallest distinction, however, and heaven and earth are set infinitely apart. If you wish to see the truth than hold no opinion for or against.The struggle for what one likes and what one dislikes is the  disease of the mind. 

Sengstan, Hsin, Hsin Ming, Third Patriarch of Zen

I have been listening to Michael Singer's podcast, and serendipitously see how so much like the things I have been speaking and writing about lately they are. Amazing really.  This recent one linked below that I finished this morning reminds me especially of what I was trying to convey in the little video blurp I did the other day, "Do Nothing" , as well as  some of the related written entries here. Of course, I have been taking much of what I learned from him (and others) , chewing it up and spitting it back out.  I am just thrilled to realize that I am actually "getting it!" I am learning.  I am grateful for Michael Singer and his special way of putting this ancient teaching into a way that even the most secular mind could understand. I am so grateful for all the teachings and teachers I have received in one way or another; all this learning. It is all so amazing!

Anyway, as I sit here this morning I am thinking about this tendency we have to judge things as good or bad and to expect that Life be a certain way. Our preferring, discriminating, making distinctions, clinging to opinions and our struggling to get what we like and push away what we don't like is indeed the reason we are not okay upstairs. 

I like how he describes the difference between spirituality and psychology.  Both are involved in the process of understanding the mind.  Psychology, however, focuses more on understanding the resistance of the mind as if it were normal, and helping it with its conditioned preferences.  Spirituality is all about "undoing" this conditioned need for preferences and creating and maintianing a non resistant mind. I spent most  of my life fascinated by the human mind. At first I focused on the psychology of the mind...so fascinated with that for a while I aspired to be a psychologist (which I never became).  I saw the disease of the mind as a consequence of external forces and its potentional to react to these forces as normal and healthy. I resisted the spiritual component for its lack of scientific validation. Yet...I found myself gradually and somewhat reluctantly  being pulled  beyond psychology to something deeper. I came to see it was our reaction to external forces that was actually the disease of the mind...not the forces themself. I began to see the mind as both the source of suffering and its solution.  Happiness is an inside game. 

In order to undo the effects of this mind disease so many of us suffer from...we need to let go of our resistance and settle into what is. We begin by removing our preferences.

All is well.

Michael Singer/ Sounds True ( July , 2021)  Spirituality- The Exploration of the Mind. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rE4_q7qdZ0E

All is well! 

"I am in here!"

 

The only reason we are not enlightened is because we are distracted ...when you are not being distracted, you just are!

Michael Singer

Have you ever had an experience where you are in the privacy of a bathroom about to do your thing, when the door suddenly opens and you find yourself screaming, "I'm in here!"  You had to make it known to whatever or whoever was out there that you were inside.   

You were  not really thinking about where you were in terms of inside or outside, not really focusing on who you were prior to that door opening. .  You were probably thinking about where you have to go next or where you just came from.  You were probably thinking about  all the drama that was going on  out there. ...your drama. You were lost in the busy mind and the busy world...believing you were both. That is  until  something came along to remind you and the world you were inside. 

Well that was the silly thing I thought of as I was listening to Michael Singer today in Spirituality-The Exploration of Consciousness. 

So often we forget that we are the Self  inside our own bodies and minds...We go about or business "doing" this or that, always distracted by the going ons out there and around us that we start to identify with those things as a part of who we are.  That secluded space of the bathroom stall is our go to...representing the natural state of the mind where the busy world is shut away and we can just relax into what is. 

While we are in there, however, the busy world or the busy mind  can come pounding at the door, constantly knocking and distracting.   We begin to lose the sense of peaceful reprieve this space is meant to offer and become absorbed in those distractions the world or the mind are dumping on us.  Even though we have not left that space we are so caught up in what is happening outside it, we forget where we are and who we are.

Our lives may be so full of distracting doing , our head  so full of  distracting thoughts...what Patanjali referred to as "mental modifications" that we forget we are inside these bodies and minds.  We come to believe we are the busyness of the world and our thinking.  Until the door opens that is...to remind us we are not what is going on in our minds nor are we our minds...we are simply inside them , watching everything go down. 

I am in here!

Who is the I?  Not the roles you play out there, not what you own, not what you do, not what you think.  Use this moment of opening to ponder who you are.

Am? Am is the oppiste of  'Do'.  In "am" there is no doing...just being.  In your natural state ...you just are.

In?  Though duality will fade away the more evolved we become, for now it  is beneficial to think in terms of "in" and "out".  The inner world is where we want to focus our attention, not out there.  You are in this peacfeul space...find yourself in there.

Here? Right now, right here...in this moment, in this space is where you are.  You are not what is going on around you, in the past or future...you  are awareness of all that is going on around you right here.

So welcome the intrusions when you are lost in thought and doing, the reminder of where and who you  are.  Remind yourself often, "I am in here".  (Or you can just reach up and lock the door :))

All is well 

Michael Singer/Sounds True  ( July, 2021) Spirituality- The Exploration of Consciousness. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rE4_q7qdZ0E

Forgiveness

Forgiveness 

Soft and soothing,

like a cool  hand on a fevered brow, 

it offers comfort.

Sweet and musical,

like an August breeze 

blowing through a humid day

it offers reprieve.

Bountiful and pure,

like drops of precious water

rippling in a mountain lake,

it quenches the thirst of the dying.

Still and spacious,

like all that is real

and cannot be named,

it offers salvation to

a tortured mind.

Forgiveness...

is the sweet elixer of Life

bringing

life saving fluid 

 where there is thirst,

light where there is darkness,

relief where there is pain,

love where there is hate

and peace where there is anguish.

Forgiveness...

is God's Love

breathed through

human action.

Forgiveness....

is what the world needs.

One precious drop in every mind, 

in the One Mind,

is all it will take

to save us from our selves. 

 

                                                                   © Dale-Lyn, 2010

Hmmm! I wrote that eleven years ago.  I had just finished  A Course in Miracles, I think.  

At the time, I could feel the  world just beginning to shift beneath my feet... I was feeling quite ill for a number of years with some unexplained issue and because of the stress I was feeling the symptoms became very intense. I knew I couldn't handle it on my own so I sought help but there was so much shaming and frustration in my health  seeking it made it all so much worse. It knocked me off my feet. I was also struggling as a single parent after a difficult divorce. Working, keeping an income and maintaining a home for my children  was becoming so challenging. Most sadly ...my kids were beginning to lose their way and it was like watching it all as if in a dream...I could see me yelling  at them to be careful, to watch out ...seeing what they couldn't see but it was like no sound was coming from my mouth...I tried to reach them and pull them back into the safety of  my arms but they were always just far enough away I couldn't grab them. I couldn't stop them from walking into those dark forests no matter how much I tried.  I couldn't stop it from happening. I could just see it all so clearly. 

I was forseeing it all in 2010 and though I did a lot to try to prevent it from happening( talking to or dragging them into counselling, guidance counsellor's at school, mental health visits down town, called in social workers from social services,  church, discipline, curfews, rules, checks, tests...the whole nine yards) part of me knew I could do nothing that would make a difference. I felt like such a failure as a parent, as a person.  

Things in the following years would prove to be even more challenging but when I wrote this poem....and there were so many poems that just poured out of me back then with messages that made absolutely no sense to me at the time...things were just beginning to get difficult. Though the poems were far from perfect...there was some beautiful wisdom in each of them (that did not come from "little me"). Something happened after reading A Course even though I barely understood a word of it the first time through. (It would take about three readings and some deep reflective study before I would get it) .  Even when I didn't understand it...it seemed to come through me in poetry and in other forms of writing.  I actually wrote a book about my health seeking experience in less than four months, a year or two later. It came through in my blogging even though I never intended on starting a blog for that reason. But the poetry was the real medium that my awakening was coming through.  

As I look back now on the poetry that was written then...it is like..."Oh man...I get it now. " I didn't get it then...I felt it as it came through but I couldn't conceptualize it like I can now.  I think the poetry was offering a gentle reminder from that place/space  we cannot see...that things were going to be okay; that there was so much more to Life, to me than the external challenges I was facing.  I like to think that is the case.

So in my quest to forgive, as I wrote about yetserday...I serendiptiously opened up to this above poem from that time period...and it makes much more sense to me than it did then.  All forgiveness is...is a letting go of resistance...an opening up to the flow of Life. An open heart quenches the thirst of a Soul for too long hidden behind the turmoil of the mind. 

Hmmm! All is well in my world. 

What Will You Give?

 On the day that death will knock at thy door, what wilt thou offer him? 

Oh, I will set before my guest the full vessel of my Life...I will never let him go with empty hands.

All the sweet vintage of all my autumn days and summer nights, all the earnings and gleanings of my busy life will I place before him at the close of my days when death will knock at my door. 

Rabindranath Tagorehttps://www.goodreads.com/quotes/7491738-on-the-day-when-death-will-knock-at-thy-door

I used this translation for some reason rather than the simple and just as eloquent one found in Life After Death by Deepak Chopra and I don't know why. 

Anyway...what will you give death when he comes a knocking? Have you ever thought of that or are you like  most of us raised with western thought...pretending you are not home? 

When we are unwilling to answer the door for Death...we are hesitant to open the door for Life, are we not? According to Deepak Chopra, the most profound subjects-love, truth, compassion, birth and death-are equal. (page 32) By welcoming death as a natural part of the human experience, we open to love, truth and compassion.  We open to the full experience of being alive. When we shrink with fear away from windows of reality  whenever  the door bell rings in fear that it might be Death, we are contracting away from all the wonderful things Life offers. Can you see that?

Death is not the  enemy we may grow up believing it is.  It is just the opposite.  Ram Dass, in the video, Life , Death and the Cycle of Awakening encourages us to view death as a vehicle for awakening. "Death," he tells us, "is just a process of leaving what you thought you were." It is a shedding of that which was unreal for that which is.  We are not these heavy, dense bodies that keep us here.  We are not all the mind stuff ego created.  We are not the events, and relationships enfolding in front of us either. We are so much more and death offers the ultimate awakening...the ultimate discarding of that which is not who we are so we can experience what we are.

Now...we don't have to die to awaken.  We can shed these layers of little me-ness long before we take our last breath.  But the default is...that death will do for us what we may not accomplish in this life time. It will take us home when this journey of learning is over. 

Deepak Chopra explains that this Earth school, according to vedic tradition,  is just a dense Spiritual world surrounded by higher planes we cannot see (Lokhas). We are all souls/consciousness in dense and heavy garments we call a body that "seems" to localize us in time and space, seperate us and define us in a heavier vibration of energy.  Who we are is not hevay and dense .  It has the ability to evolve into a much higher energy but so often we fail to recognize that and come to beleive we are "trapped" here. But the body is just a suit we, as the soul,  can discard so easily through transformation from one frequency of vibration to the next. 

The transformational process after death is not a movement to some other place or time; it is just a change in the quality of our attention.  You can only see what you vibrate to. (page 6)

It is reported that some yogis can go through a transformational process that is very similar to the one experienced at death by having a deep enough desire. 

Most of us, of course, are not yogis and instead of being open to the idea of death we tend to shrink away in fear. ...erronously believing that if we close ourselves up,  mentally and physically, Death will not open the door when the time comes. 

Our fault is not that we fear death but that we don't respect it as a miracle. (page 32)

What I propose is that we open the door before Death even knocks.  Lets embrace the reality of  the death of the body and mind so we embrace the reality  of Life and learn to do what we are here to do...awaken to the fact that we are so much more than this. 

When Death comes then, (and he will come to all of us no matter how much we crouch and hide) , what will we offer him? A life fully and beautifully lived dominated by love, truth and compassion; a life   guided by Soul's openness  not ego's fear. 

All is well in my world. 

Deepak Chopra ( 2006) Life After Death: The Burden of Proof. New York: Three Rivers Press

Ram Dass/Spiritual Nomas ( July, 2021) Life, Death and the Cycle of Awakening. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQ__qlDf6WI

Doing Nothing With Tonglen

 

Just Breathe!

Sleepless Night

I was up most of the night, tossing and turning over some worry I had about a loved ones choices, made out of giving up and conforming to some idea others had of him that may have consequences for all of us in the future.  Such a simple and somewhat normal thing he did considering his circumstances, his level of stress and what others his age are doing to cope but as we said many times before , "normal", doesn't necessarily mean healthy....especially when such a behavioural choice fulfills some prophecy others have proclaimed long ago and will, no doubt, use against him to get their own needs met. 

Watching the Suffering in Another

Watching him deal with the slow manipulative disintegration of confidence by others and his own confusion over whether he should do  something or nothing breaks my heart.  I think it is  his reaction to it that hurts me more than anything. He seems to be  succumbing and coming to  believe he has no right to the daughter he loves unless others give it to him .  The grand parents have declared they have more right to his daughter than he has and that both infuriates me and wounds me like an arrow to the heart. It hurts me mostly  because he has come to believe they do too.  

Watching all this go down  has been weighing on me so heavily. I am confused as well...do I  "do  nothing"  as I have been preaching or is this one of those cases where I need to do something? I have stepped back at his request and honored his wish to take care of it himself.   I bit my tongue when I didn't agree with his approach and when I witnessed such cruel and unfair treatment from others. But I still find myself reacting at times and saying to him in an urgent voice that thinks it knows better, "Do something!"  He is just not ready to get the help that is required to ascertian his legal paternal rights.

Just Breathe and Do Nothing

I step back and recenter when I feel this way.  "Just breathe!" I tell myself. When I am calmer, I gently encourage him again to seek legal assistance to secure and make known ( to him especially) his rights.  So caught up is he in this story that others have created about him , however,  that he doesn't. He still also cares for  the mother very much. Most sadly, he sees himself as "unworthy" for more and  just wants as much time with the being he loves more than anything else in the world as he can get. Being gentle and  peaceful by nature...he doesn't want to create more drama or waves than have already been created. So he accepts that he is only allowed to see her unsupervised when the mother needs a sitter...and only for a few hours at a time...and even those "rights" are denied whenever he "displeases" the mother. (Do not get me wrong...there are very rare times like today...where they would be denied for reasons I fully agree with...he owns this one.  I offer to step in at those times but am denied as well).

 My granddaughter is not allowed to come here either and I am not welcome down there. My son does not want me confronting the mother or the grandparents in fear that "it will make things worse"and he knows how desperately I want to do so..so he does not want me there without him either. So I am kind of trapped in this limbo too...waiting for others to give me permission to spend time with my granddaughter.   

This has been weighing so much on his mental health. And because of that it has been weighing on mine. I also, understandably, have a selfish longing to be with my grand daughter but this...whatever this is...is not mine to handle.  It is such a catch 22...and it just breaks my heart. 

The Practice

So I practiced today, the advice I give so many, "Do nothing".  Though it is very challenging to do nothing, I sat with the reality of this situation and did my best to remove story and drama.  I  just sat with the tightness in my core, the pain in my breaking heart and I breathed into it.I leaned into the suffering this experience is generating in me and my loved ones.  I felt love, empathy and compassion for my son.  I felt compassion for myself for having this feeling of a breaking heart.  I had compassion for all I knew who are or were experiencing this breaking heart feeling...and all those I don't know. I breathed in the heavy humidity the day offered which represented the heaviness of this experience and I breathed out a cool refreshing breeze. I breathed!

Igently disentangled  my Self from my story, and my son's story and my thoughts and feelings.  I settled into that precious space between I, as the observer" and I as the "little me" caught in some sleepless drama. I watched as that space got wider and wider. 

I tried from there to have compassion and empathy for those who I believed were denying us our rights and whose behaviour was hurting my son so much. I tried ...but found my chest tightening with resistance. I wasn't ready. Instead of chastising myself for not being more forgiving, as I normally would, I had compassion and empathy for myself for my resistance, my anger and I then thought of others I knew who had  anger and resistance to those who we feel are responsible and had compassion for them. Then I thought of all others who might have a hard time forgiving such a thing and had compassion and empathy for them. I breathed! 

I tried the forgiveness thing again and I kind of got past resistance and some of the layers of anger to a point where I could almost accept and understand that "they know not what they  do".  I thought it was coming but then I met resistance again.  (This experience was very wounding for all kinds of reasons...it left some deep impressions. ). I breathed!

Though forgiveness is my goal, I am not there yet.  I will get there though the more I do the Tonglen version of 'do nothing'.  Most importantly, I am finding  a little peace. Though my heart is still breaking...it is staying open...and  I am finding precious peace. 

Sure...there may be a need to do something eventually but it should be done from a place that is spacious and open, non reactive and compassionate...the way it is when we "Do Nothing" first.

"Doing Nothing" is always the best first step when facing challenging relations and circumstances. Grounding and breathing into what is while opening the heart to compassion, empathy and eventually forgiveness...is the best way to approach such things. I truly believe that. 

I share this very personal experience for that reason. 

All is well!