Resisting Again

 

Always trust your gut instincts. If you genuinely feel in your heart and soul that something is wrong, it usually is. 

Unknown

Oh that resistance feeling 

Wow!  I have been feeling very resistant lately and I can't really point a finger at exactly what I have been resisting. I mean ...I am finding lots of things to resist like the fact that I am wearing very expensive frames right now that are not the ones I originally picked out; my finger is infected and I might have to enter the health care system again; I am so broke; I don't like the expensive gift someone gave me...just so not me and I don't know how to express that; my house is falling a part and everyone else is contributing heavily to its unhygenic messiness and demolition but  not its maintenance; I am being very much disrespected and taken advantage of by others  and worse I am allowing myself to be. I try to make peace with all these small things ...I do...and I think I am successful but the resistance feeling in my gut will not let up.  I am starting to realize that these smaller things are actually pointing to a major source of resistance within me.

What am I truly resisting? 

All I know is  I am feeling the twisting in my gut and the hairs up on the back of my neck, followed by the subliminal and sometimes outspoken batches of " This is bad, wrong, and shouldn't be!"...I am reacting to others behaviour and choices; I am 'blaming' before I have evidence; I am very supsicious and mistrusting; I am collecting grievances and then looking to justify them; I am on edge, walking on egg shells. I am forever looking over my shoulder again. Then I look at what I am doing and I am filled with shame and guilt, self deprecation.  "I have no evidence for this! I am not nice! I am possibly hurting others! I am here to be kind and helpful ...not to offer "this" to the world!!! What is wrong with me?"  

So I work even harder on letting go, being kinder, more compassionate, more peaceful.  Still...I have that heavy dark cloud of negativity following me around and I can't see clearly through its fog.  It is confusing.  

My home does not feel comfortable...well it doesn't feel like "my" anything...If I dare to be completely honest...I feel I am gradually, slowly and meticulously being pushed out of the way by something very dark. Something I can't see...an energy of some kind emenating from others.  That sounds strange I know. I guess, what I am trying to say is...it is not the people, never the people in the  sense of who they really are and I know that in my core but sometimes people are at a certain level of consciousness where their personas, thoughts, emotions, needs and desires ...what Eckhart Tolle would call their "pain bodies" are calling eh shots and exuding an energy taht is not pleasant.  It has an effect on other people, especially if they are sensitive. For that reaosn, I don't like the energy in this house anymore. In fact I don't want to be in it. Something is up!!!  I can feel it in every cell and it doesn't feel good inside me.  That is all I "know". 

I also know I had this feeling before and the "why" of that experience only hit me after months of living with something dangerously aimed at me that I couldn't see . Is it the same thing?  Man that feeling I had back then never went away completely...it was certainly diminshed, certainly subdued by both some heavy duty defense mechanisms ( supression, repression and denial) as well as my spiritual committment to accept and allow what is into my experience and find peace with it. But lately...it is back and I mean big time. 

It is like my antennaes are reaching beyond my need for serenity and my desire  to peacefully let go, twirling their way through outward appearances others are offering me and are picking up information my normal mind can't pick up, quickly  relaying it back to me...I think it is saying but I don't know: "Resist! Things are not as they seem and even what they seem to be is not something you should be a part of. Something is going down, you might have to make some changes!!" It is so bloody strong.  It actually leaves me on edge. It confuses me because just like the last time...I cannot put a finger on it and say "That's it!  That is what is causing this feeling!" Then Life played out and I saw my feelings were so totally justified.

Will it be another after the fact type of realization of the cause? And will the next time be too late? Will this thing that is about to go down be drastic?

That is what my mind is doing...really!  And it is all so bizarre!  Maybe I am the one with paranoid delusions or maybe the paranoid delusions are back in another. I am definitely seeing the clear signs of disorganized thinking again. Is this what I am picking up? Psychosis in another? I can handle psychosis...I can.  I can handle the aftermath of addiction. I can handle short term memory loss as a result of brain injury.   I can handle depression and the associated bouts of anger often seen in males who are depressed but I get that strong gut feeling that 'this' is different.  Can I handle  "this!"...whatever "this! is I am picking up? I don't know.   "This!" is the source of my resistance, I believe, even though I can't explain what "this" is . 

This feeling within me  has been lingering here ever since an individual with a humungous pain body entered my home.  The kind of pain body that fills a whole house even when every attempt possible is made to hide it away. It is a sticky, heavy, dark   energy that lingers over everything...well it has that effect on me. It is debilitating almost for me leaving me with this gut chewing feeling.  I have been denying it, stuffing it, pushing it aside...but...this feeling within me wants to be heard. I don't know  but I don't think I can supress or repress it anymore.  It is so strong and it is a "warning" type of feeling telling me I cannot live like this! 

I am noticing little indications of its reality, accepting, trying to make peace with it   because it is what it is.  I try not to judge some of the things that happen here because of it and what that means for me in terms of extra clean up and effort...I try not to expect anything...I try to remove shoulds and shouldn't be's when I look at behaviour, especially... but man ...it too often feels like too much. I tell myself this is a lesson...a perfect learning opportunity for my growth...but man is it a toughy!!!  This is either one of those heavy duty lessons from the universe to help me to let go...or it is a not so gentle push to get me  to care for myself enough to say..."enough is enough!". Will I learn what I need to learn to pass?  ...

Besides all that...the main selfish reason is I don't want this energy  I have in my home and in my life right now. I don't...I just don't wnat the energy around me. I am "preferring" and saying out loud, "It is not what I want!"  I don't like this energy at all...I am judging it as "bad, wrong and shouldn't be". This is resistance to what is, is it not?

Number one rule in Life is not to expect it to be a certain way...right?  To notice and accept what Life is offering. This is definitely not the life I imagined in my retirement years, not the peaceful quiet  almost private living environment I yearned for.   Sure Life is full of surprises and ups and downs.  I am okay with that but this wasn't one of those curve balls  that just showed up to disrupt some unrealistic idea I had of Life..

This energy, this pain body in another,  feels like something that dug its way in with a mission to get me out of the way so it can get what it wants. Despite some semblance of politeness, and outward appearances of something different...this thing I am picking up seems to be  all about getting what it wants.(I stress again...it is not the person...it is the energy they exude  that I am referring to...taht is why I use "it" and "thing", k?  People that exude this energy  are not even aware of it...I can love the person, but the energy...man) I don't see compassion, respect, concern, and remorse for past mistakes...I just see its desperate need to survive and keep going the way it intends to go. That is what my gut is telling me. I don't want to live with that energy. I don't. This is not the type of consciousness and emotional energy I want to surround myself with...just the opposite.

And I know...as I have clearly told others ...if we let this go on, it will go on forever. To it, this energy that is dominating,   whether I am here tomorrow  or not is completely irrevelant  as long as I am not in its way!   Everything will be peaceful here only if I do what others have done for years,  close my eyes and keep feeding this thing exactly what it wants. I am not willing to do that anymore.  I don't think I can.  And now I think I might be in the way...especially since I already stressed an end date to indicate a  "no more" for my own peace of mind.  That end date has been twisted, manipulated, extended for a thousand different reasons but I cannot allow that anymore. I am resisting. . 

Man...that was a big one on resistance.

I sat and meditated today on intuition guidance...trying to understand what my gut was telling me about what I was resisting  and this (what I wrote about here)  came to the surface.  I didn't associate the feelings I am having now with the same feelings I had back then in January when everything came to light.  I didn't...until after my meditation. This is what came out of that meditation .  Then I sat down to review what was read in the last 24 hours and there it was:  an entry from January with that quote above on it.  I had a very bad feeling then that something bad was going to happen related to this feeling within me and what  I was picking up...not the person...it is not the person I am referring to...just the energy coming from a certain level of unconsciousness...and two days later someone was dead (not that the person had anything to do with it...just there was a lot of negativity in the air)  and my home was full of this energy again.

Hmmm! .  

I really don't know what to do here with all this.  I write it here but I might not keep it here for long.

Afternote: Something came to light in the evening to comfirm in my mind that my feeling was right...if we dare to use the word right.

So I guess, we need to look at the possibility that sometimes our resistance serves a purpose? 

All is as it is. :) .