Doing Nothing With Tonglen

 

Just Breathe!

Sleepless Night

I was up most of the night, tossing and turning over some worry I had about a loved ones choices, made out of giving up and conforming to some idea others had of him that may have consequences for all of us in the future.  Such a simple and somewhat normal thing he did considering his circumstances, his level of stress and what others his age are doing to cope but as we said many times before , "normal", doesn't necessarily mean healthy....especially when such a behavioural choice fulfills some prophecy others have proclaimed long ago and will, no doubt, use against him to get their own needs met. 

Watching the Suffering in Another

Watching him deal with the slow manipulative disintegration of confidence by others and his own confusion over whether he should do  something or nothing breaks my heart.  I think it is  his reaction to it that hurts me more than anything. He seems to be  succumbing and coming to  believe he has no right to the daughter he loves unless others give it to him .  The grand parents have declared they have more right to his daughter than he has and that both infuriates me and wounds me like an arrow to the heart. It hurts me mostly  because he has come to believe they do too.  

Watching all this go down  has been weighing on me so heavily. I am confused as well...do I  "do  nothing"  as I have been preaching or is this one of those cases where I need to do something? I have stepped back at his request and honored his wish to take care of it himself.   I bit my tongue when I didn't agree with his approach and when I witnessed such cruel and unfair treatment from others. But I still find myself reacting at times and saying to him in an urgent voice that thinks it knows better, "Do something!"  He is just not ready to get the help that is required to ascertian his legal paternal rights.

Just Breathe and Do Nothing

I step back and recenter when I feel this way.  "Just breathe!" I tell myself. When I am calmer, I gently encourage him again to seek legal assistance to secure and make known ( to him especially) his rights.  So caught up is he in this story that others have created about him , however,  that he doesn't. He still also cares for  the mother very much. Most sadly, he sees himself as "unworthy" for more and  just wants as much time with the being he loves more than anything else in the world as he can get. Being gentle and  peaceful by nature...he doesn't want to create more drama or waves than have already been created. So he accepts that he is only allowed to see her unsupervised when the mother needs a sitter...and only for a few hours at a time...and even those "rights" are denied whenever he "displeases" the mother. (Do not get me wrong...there are very rare times like today...where they would be denied for reasons I fully agree with...he owns this one.  I offer to step in at those times but am denied as well).

 My granddaughter is not allowed to come here either and I am not welcome down there. My son does not want me confronting the mother or the grandparents in fear that "it will make things worse"and he knows how desperately I want to do so..so he does not want me there without him either. So I am kind of trapped in this limbo too...waiting for others to give me permission to spend time with my granddaughter.   

This has been weighing so much on his mental health. And because of that it has been weighing on mine. I also, understandably, have a selfish longing to be with my grand daughter but this...whatever this is...is not mine to handle.  It is such a catch 22...and it just breaks my heart. 

The Practice

So I practiced today, the advice I give so many, "Do nothing".  Though it is very challenging to do nothing, I sat with the reality of this situation and did my best to remove story and drama.  I  just sat with the tightness in my core, the pain in my breaking heart and I breathed into it.I leaned into the suffering this experience is generating in me and my loved ones.  I felt love, empathy and compassion for my son.  I felt compassion for myself for having this feeling of a breaking heart.  I had compassion for all I knew who are or were experiencing this breaking heart feeling...and all those I don't know. I breathed in the heavy humidity the day offered which represented the heaviness of this experience and I breathed out a cool refreshing breeze. I breathed!

Igently disentangled  my Self from my story, and my son's story and my thoughts and feelings.  I settled into that precious space between I, as the observer" and I as the "little me" caught in some sleepless drama. I watched as that space got wider and wider. 

I tried from there to have compassion and empathy for those who I believed were denying us our rights and whose behaviour was hurting my son so much. I tried ...but found my chest tightening with resistance. I wasn't ready. Instead of chastising myself for not being more forgiving, as I normally would, I had compassion and empathy for myself for my resistance, my anger and I then thought of others I knew who had  anger and resistance to those who we feel are responsible and had compassion for them. Then I thought of all others who might have a hard time forgiving such a thing and had compassion and empathy for them. I breathed! 

I tried the forgiveness thing again and I kind of got past resistance and some of the layers of anger to a point where I could almost accept and understand that "they know not what they  do".  I thought it was coming but then I met resistance again.  (This experience was very wounding for all kinds of reasons...it left some deep impressions. ). I breathed!

Though forgiveness is my goal, I am not there yet.  I will get there though the more I do the Tonglen version of 'do nothing'.  Most importantly, I am finding  a little peace. Though my heart is still breaking...it is staying open...and  I am finding precious peace. 

Sure...there may be a need to do something eventually but it should be done from a place that is spacious and open, non reactive and compassionate...the way it is when we "Do Nothing" first.

"Doing Nothing" is always the best first step when facing challenging relations and circumstances. Grounding and breathing into what is while opening the heart to compassion, empathy and eventually forgiveness...is the best way to approach such things. I truly believe that. 

I share this very personal experience for that reason. 

All is well!