What stands in the way becomes the way.
- Marcus Aurelius
Goodbye 2019; Hello 2020
The last day of 2019. Tomorrow begins a new decade with quite a ring to it...2020. How often do we have this repeated two digit number? Once a century.... 1818, 1919...now 2020. And how often do we have that double O...once a millennium. That is pretty cool even if you are not into numbers like me. (I am number impaired lol).
Well I hope your 2020 is an amazing year!!! And that it begins an amazing decade for you....full of peace, joy, love and learning...lots and lots of learning :)
New challenges ahead
I anticipate ( and of course I don't know anything for certain about the future) that I will be meeting some new challenges in the New Year. Heck...well that is obvious lol...we will all have challenges to face, obstacles to overcome, barriers to get through . This is life after all.
I can almost see mine. And feel them :) I wake up in the middle of the night feeling the beginning of this challenge leading me to anticipate not only a physical journey ahead but a mental one. While I don't look forward to the physical part of this that may or may not arise, I am content knowing there will be so much learning and growing and healing in ways I have yet to heal regardless of what goes on in my body.
Suchness
This learning, growing and healing all begins with accepting the "suchness" ( as Buddha referred to it) of the moment . Surrendering to what is, I am convinced, opens the door to a greater learning we cannot even begin to comprehend. What appears to stand in the way of our wellness, happiness, and even life can actually become the way to so much more.
At first glance and to the ego....obstacles, closed doors, and other people's egoic behaviours may appear to hinder us and limit our potential for a full and happy life. If we look closer though we may see that on each of these things that apparently stand in our way is a golden door knob we just need to turn in order to walk into something far greater than we have ever imagined.
The wait as a gift
Having to wait two and a half weeks, on top of a month of waiting for a diagnostic test requested as urgent by physicians and surgeons just to get a diagnosis that would either put all worry aside, or launch me head on into this challenge...could by all means be seen as something unfairly standing in the way. We could build story around that ( as my mind still likes to do from time to time) or we could look at it as something that just may become the way for me, and possibly others, to what is truly needed.
It could be what is needed to help others to see how their egos are getting in the way so they can readjust their choices. It can help to create better communication and active support for others in the future.
As for me...it gives me time to deal with my ego that wants to overrun me with fear and resistance...giving me time to learn to accept what is as it is. I am learning to accept the situation for what it is. I am allowing myself to feel worry, anger, frustration and confusion and am realizing the more I allow these emotions, the less time they linger. Instead of fighting, resisting, struggling against I am surrendering to the choice that was made by another and I am growing because of that.
If this turns out to be something...this obstacle to knowing, these two and a half weeks have given me, will prove to be an open door to a healthier approach. It was like a practice period preparing to handle what may be up ahead.
I will not launch myself into a full blown fight, struggle, battle against what is. I will recognize it for what it truly is: Grace. I will allow it into my life, accept it, embrace it and even appreciate it. That is how I will handle this thing. As strange as that may seem. I am gong to cooperate with Life. I see true healing in that approach...I see the way to more. :)
All is well in my world.
Tuesday, December 31, 2019
Monday, December 30, 2019
The Butterfly of Joy and Contentment
From the core of our being, we simply desire joy and contentment. But so often these feelings are fleeting and hard to find, like a butterfly that lands on us and then flutters away.
Dalai Lama ( Andrews McMeel Desktop Calendar )
Sigh! Only two days left of this calendar that has offered me precious wisdom and inspiration throughout the last 12 months. So grateful for this thoughtful gift from my daughter. So grateful for the wisdom this holy man shares with all the people of the world regardless of religious preference.
So we all seek joy and contentment? Most of us would agree that is what motivates us more than anything else. Yet the Dalai Lama tells us these things are as fleeting and as elusive as having a butterfly land on us. That is pretty depressing, isn't it? :)
Depends on how you look at it. The type of superficial joy and contentment most of us seek under the label "happiness" is found outside of us and feeds the ego only. Anything the ego seeks will not last and it will keep us on an endless search for more.
True joy and contentment that I refer to as "peace" is not fleeting or elusive. It is in us always and if we turn our searching eyes inward rather than outward...we may just recognize it and tap into it.
Go inward to tame the unsettled mind and realize that the butterfly of who you are is and always will be there.
All is well
Dalai Lama ( Andrews McMeel Desktop Calendar )
Sigh! Only two days left of this calendar that has offered me precious wisdom and inspiration throughout the last 12 months. So grateful for this thoughtful gift from my daughter. So grateful for the wisdom this holy man shares with all the people of the world regardless of religious preference.
So we all seek joy and contentment? Most of us would agree that is what motivates us more than anything else. Yet the Dalai Lama tells us these things are as fleeting and as elusive as having a butterfly land on us. That is pretty depressing, isn't it? :)
Depends on how you look at it. The type of superficial joy and contentment most of us seek under the label "happiness" is found outside of us and feeds the ego only. Anything the ego seeks will not last and it will keep us on an endless search for more.
True joy and contentment that I refer to as "peace" is not fleeting or elusive. It is in us always and if we turn our searching eyes inward rather than outward...we may just recognize it and tap into it.
Go inward to tame the unsettled mind and realize that the butterfly of who you are is and always will be there.
All is well
Sunday, December 29, 2019
The Higher Self
Give up defining yourself-to yourself and others.
Eckhart Tolle
What the heck is this higher Self you are talking about crazy lady?
I know, I know...it gets confusing. Terminology often gets in the way of "knowing" and my use of the "higher Self" may be tripping a lot of people up. It would have tripped me up less than a decade or so ago.
Just words
The thing to remember before I begin any grand definition...is that it is just a term, words, that are so limited in their ability to accurately describe something to the point that you know that something. Words are also very much attached to memory and pre-established mental associations. So every term, every name, every label and every word will resonate differently in every person. Be mindful of that. I don't want you to cling to the words or the labels I use, nor do I want you to resist them. They are just harmless little symbols that point in a certain direction, okay?
Not the ego
Higher Self to me then is the opposite of what the ego is. By now, I am assuming you have an idea of what I mean by the ego. My use of the term "ego" is so far from Freud's definition it isn't funny.
Just to recap: ego is that part of us that isn't real...the part of us the mind creates to make sense of the world. The conditioned mind sees the world as a dangerous place where there is a very limited amount of the "good" stuff ( the mind is really big on making things into good or bad categories). And it tells us we are separate entities, separated by our bodily forms, personalities and belief systems, needing to defend and attack our way through life. It wraps us in "me, my, and mine"...understanding.
The ego is our identification then with the physical world: body, thought, stuff and circumstance. Therefore it is very "busy" and often stressed and intense...constantly battling against something or resisting what is. It exists on the surface layers of our so called "life". The ego is the "little self or the little me".
Get that?
Beyond the ego
On the other hand, the higher Self exists at the deeper level, below body identification, below our personalities, our thinking and our feeling. Unlike the ego...it is not lost or identified with the tings on the surface layers. It recognizes them, is aware of them but does not get lost in them. It is the part of us that is wise...seeing the truth of our existence. Because of that it is peaceful and calm.
It is also the part of us that is closer to God ( God is another thing ( no-thing) that really can not be expressed in words). It takes us away from little self's entrapment in "me, my, and mine" to "all", "One" and "Thine".
Some of us might prefer the term : Soul, spirit, essence, higher consciousness). I believe all of those are defining what I am defining when I say the higher Self .
We access It (whatever term you prefer to use to loosely point to this higher Self) through stillness and silence. We need to get beneath the noisy, busy chatter of the conditioned mind to realize It.
Okay, okay...so what is it...how do I recognize this higher Self, point to it, see it, feel it etc?
The part of you that is asking that question will never recognize the higher Self...will never be able to point to It directly, see It, feel It. See...what is happening is that the conceptual thinking mind which is a part of ego and dependent on the five senses and physicality is asking that question. The conceptual mind will never be able to know the higher Self...because it is beneath it. The conceptual mind is such a tiny, tiny part of who you are. The higher Self is everything you are and you just can't understand that when you attempt to see it through ego's eyes.
WTF(ront door)? So what is it if it is invisible?
Just because you cannot understand it or sense it with the five senses you have been given does not mean it isn't real. In fact that makes it even more real.
If you need to understand it with your conceptual mind...think of it as a layer of consciousness. You cannot see or touch consciousness but you have a sense of being conscious, right? Most of us operate on the superficial layer using only a small portion of our mind. We are content leaving it at that level and settle there. But beneath that layer is a whole new world to access...a greater, more vast consciousness that would expand and beautify our existence if we could tap into it. We will all definitely tap into it when we leave our bodies but we can do so before hand too.
Eckhart Tolle explains our ego experience in a New Earth. He says it is like a beggar sitting on a box of gold. We are begging just so we can survive, not realizing that beneath us...inside the box we have never looked in...is so much gold.
We do not have to just survive and fight our way to survival...we can realize our full potential ...and the abundance that is ours ( not necessarily material) if we look inside. So many of us do not even bother to go deeper. We do not realize that the higher Self is that gold we seek. While we are stuck in thinking that begging is the only choice we have, we don't see it. We need to get beneath that thinking. We need to go deeper.
So seeking the higher Self makes us selfish gold diggers?
No...the gold is not of a material nature. It is actually peace, joy and Love we seek. That Gold of the higher Self is meant for everybody...belongs to everybody...is everybody. .
Huh?
So we can think of it in terms of accessing a deeper level of consciousness that brings 'happiness to all' and that goes beyond what we have come to believe is real, simply because our ego and our five senses tell us so. We can all access this higher Self ( or whatever you wish to call it) by being willing to look beyond what ego deems as real. We will find peace there.
You get that?
I hope so...cuz I don't think I could explain it again. :)
All is well in my world.
Eckhart Tolle (2005 ) The New Earth. Penguin
Eckhart Tolle
What the heck is this higher Self you are talking about crazy lady?
I know, I know...it gets confusing. Terminology often gets in the way of "knowing" and my use of the "higher Self" may be tripping a lot of people up. It would have tripped me up less than a decade or so ago.
Just words
The thing to remember before I begin any grand definition...is that it is just a term, words, that are so limited in their ability to accurately describe something to the point that you know that something. Words are also very much attached to memory and pre-established mental associations. So every term, every name, every label and every word will resonate differently in every person. Be mindful of that. I don't want you to cling to the words or the labels I use, nor do I want you to resist them. They are just harmless little symbols that point in a certain direction, okay?
Not the ego
Higher Self to me then is the opposite of what the ego is. By now, I am assuming you have an idea of what I mean by the ego. My use of the term "ego" is so far from Freud's definition it isn't funny.
Just to recap: ego is that part of us that isn't real...the part of us the mind creates to make sense of the world. The conditioned mind sees the world as a dangerous place where there is a very limited amount of the "good" stuff ( the mind is really big on making things into good or bad categories). And it tells us we are separate entities, separated by our bodily forms, personalities and belief systems, needing to defend and attack our way through life. It wraps us in "me, my, and mine"...understanding.
The ego is our identification then with the physical world: body, thought, stuff and circumstance. Therefore it is very "busy" and often stressed and intense...constantly battling against something or resisting what is. It exists on the surface layers of our so called "life". The ego is the "little self or the little me".
Get that?
Beyond the ego
On the other hand, the higher Self exists at the deeper level, below body identification, below our personalities, our thinking and our feeling. Unlike the ego...it is not lost or identified with the tings on the surface layers. It recognizes them, is aware of them but does not get lost in them. It is the part of us that is wise...seeing the truth of our existence. Because of that it is peaceful and calm.
It is also the part of us that is closer to God ( God is another thing ( no-thing) that really can not be expressed in words). It takes us away from little self's entrapment in "me, my, and mine" to "all", "One" and "Thine".
Some of us might prefer the term : Soul, spirit, essence, higher consciousness). I believe all of those are defining what I am defining when I say the higher Self .
We access It (whatever term you prefer to use to loosely point to this higher Self) through stillness and silence. We need to get beneath the noisy, busy chatter of the conditioned mind to realize It.
Okay, okay...so what is it...how do I recognize this higher Self, point to it, see it, feel it etc?
The part of you that is asking that question will never recognize the higher Self...will never be able to point to It directly, see It, feel It. See...what is happening is that the conceptual thinking mind which is a part of ego and dependent on the five senses and physicality is asking that question. The conceptual mind will never be able to know the higher Self...because it is beneath it. The conceptual mind is such a tiny, tiny part of who you are. The higher Self is everything you are and you just can't understand that when you attempt to see it through ego's eyes.
WTF(ront door)? So what is it if it is invisible?
Just because you cannot understand it or sense it with the five senses you have been given does not mean it isn't real. In fact that makes it even more real.
If you need to understand it with your conceptual mind...think of it as a layer of consciousness. You cannot see or touch consciousness but you have a sense of being conscious, right? Most of us operate on the superficial layer using only a small portion of our mind. We are content leaving it at that level and settle there. But beneath that layer is a whole new world to access...a greater, more vast consciousness that would expand and beautify our existence if we could tap into it. We will all definitely tap into it when we leave our bodies but we can do so before hand too.
Eckhart Tolle explains our ego experience in a New Earth. He says it is like a beggar sitting on a box of gold. We are begging just so we can survive, not realizing that beneath us...inside the box we have never looked in...is so much gold.
We do not have to just survive and fight our way to survival...we can realize our full potential ...and the abundance that is ours ( not necessarily material) if we look inside. So many of us do not even bother to go deeper. We do not realize that the higher Self is that gold we seek. While we are stuck in thinking that begging is the only choice we have, we don't see it. We need to get beneath that thinking. We need to go deeper.
So seeking the higher Self makes us selfish gold diggers?
No...the gold is not of a material nature. It is actually peace, joy and Love we seek. That Gold of the higher Self is meant for everybody...belongs to everybody...is everybody. .
Huh?
So we can think of it in terms of accessing a deeper level of consciousness that brings 'happiness to all' and that goes beyond what we have come to believe is real, simply because our ego and our five senses tell us so. We can all access this higher Self ( or whatever you wish to call it) by being willing to look beyond what ego deems as real. We will find peace there.
You get that?
I hope so...cuz I don't think I could explain it again. :)
All is well in my world.
Eckhart Tolle (2005 ) The New Earth. Penguin
Friday, December 27, 2019
Empowered Doing
Every person above the ordinary has a certain mission they are called to fulfill.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/mission-quotes)
I often wonder about the things we "do". I wonder about whether they are inspired by ego or the deeper part of us. I want to be involved in inspired action rather than egoic reaction and meaningless doing.
What about you? What motivates the things you do?
Ego directed versus egoless doing
I know right off that the way I have approached Christmas over the years has been directed by ego rather than my need for peace and spiritual connection. I allowed myself each and every year to get pulled by the current of what was going on around me. Ego was very dominant! I listened! Sure that pull is getting less and less, and I always have some wonderful egoless moments each season but it is obvious ego is still there.
I also know that when I come here every morning...whether there is an ego intention sneaking around back stage or nor...these are primarily egoless moments. The doing I do here is motivated by something much greater than ego. It really is not so much about little me. Hmmm!
How Do We Tell the Difference?
This morning I tapped into a conversation between Tami Simon ( founder of Sounds True publishing) and Eckhart Tolle. (Dec, 2019) ) In the video the difference between the two modes of doing is discussed. According to Tolle, we can usually recognize ego in our actions by: our motivation, level of stress, the ease by which things are happening, how we react to obstacles, how present we are and how much we enjoy what we are doing. We can also determine what part of us in charge by who we perceive is doing the doing and for whom the doing is done.
What motivates you?
We may be able to recognize that ego is pushing us to act or accomplish something by our motivation. What is motivating you to do the thing you are doing? If you have a desire to fill in some major "gap" or sense of insufficiency in your life it is likely ego leading you forward. If you have a desire for "more" success, money, things, recognition or redemption...hmmm...probably ego. If on the other hand you approach what you are doing with this knowing that you are already enough...than that is likely your higher Self leading you to act.
Many of us, including me, are seeking to find happiness and to end the sense of suffering we feel. Too often enough we feel there is something missing in our lives, that we are less than and insufficient. We therefore have to "do" something to get there and that doing often involves seeking outside ourselves. This is always ego doing. The higher Self already knows we are enough, have enough and the only action we need to take part in is inspired action that makes the world a better place.
How Stressed are you?
So how stressed are you in your attempt to meet an action goal? Are you snappy and overcharged, over reacting to things that slow you down? Do you neglect other things of equal or greater importance than your mission? Are your muscles tense and is your body crying out with one form of dis-ease or another? If so...it may be ego leading your doing. Doing from the higher Self certainly involves a level of intense focus but there is a certain peace in it that cannot be denied. This level of intensity is enthusiastic rather than stressed.
I was very "stressed" over Christmas preparation...not enthusiastic. I am also quite stressed over certain things I write...only because I realize that ego is looking to gain a certain recognition for them. As soon as ego steps into my writing or any of my doing...there is stress.
How easy is it for you to accomplish what you are trying to accomplish?
Are you struggling to meet your goals? Do you find that there is just one thing going wrong after another? Is it a constant uphill battle? Hmmm. Though obstacles and challenges are always present in any type of seeking, when ego is in charge things never seem to go easy. We are not in the flow. When the higher Self is guiding us, there is a certain ease, a certain flow. The things in the external world that we need to help us achieve our goals just seem to show up and assist us.
Writing my books did not seem challenging. They just came out. One came out in less than four months. Getting them published, however, is a totally different matter. It seems like there is one obstacle after another. Why? The higher Self just wanted me to write the books. It is ego that wants recognition, success, and payment for them. I catch myself thinking sometimes, "Oh when they get published I will be more respected and understood then." I might be seeking more recognition than higher Self deems necessary.
I also find obstacles in "writer's block" ...especially when it comes to finishing my sister's story. Why? Ego...once again got in the way. This story was meant as an expression of her, for her... but somehow it became about me. Writer's block is just ego, I believe, stepping in front of the flow of what wants to pour out...it is like a dam wanting to control and redirect that flow. My sister's story is becoming more about what I can do to make "little me" look good than it is about creativity.
How do you react when you meet an obstacle?
So how do you respond when you hit a wall? How do you react to the things or people that seem to slow you down? If you find yourself reacting with frustration, anger, hostility or any form of active resistance, guess what? Ego is in charge of your doing. If on the other hand you find yourself responding to an added challenge with a certain level of acceptance and allowing than that is the higher you...inspiring your action. If you can take it a step farther to feel grateful for every obstacle and recognize it as grace providing a learning moment...than you are even more advanced than most.
I felt I had to do something about this thing I got going on in my body. That doing started out as inspired doing. Though ego was telling me not to mention the lump for fear of having to relive past experience...the greater part of me stepped up to make sure I did mention it. The same with the call to the clinic when I didn't hear back. Fear is of the ego and will never guide us to inspired action. I also noticed ego stepping in to my doing when I found myself angry, frustrated and blaming others for the fact that my test was not getting done soon enough. Ego...after not wanting me to do anything... wanted it done so it could put it all behind me and relieve the shame and fear that still comes with any health seeking I do. Spirit however...was allowing learning and opportunity for growth with the delay. It encouraged me to allow and see the grace in the delay. Accepting and allowing the obstacle brings more peace than resisting and struggling against it does.
How do you treat the present moment?
So how do you use the moment you are in? How do you treat the step you are taking right now, right here in the direction of your goal? Do you rush to get through it? Do you see it only as a stepping stone to the next moment, a means to an end? Are you more focused on outcome than what you are doing in this very instant? Do you resist the moments that add challenging circumstance to your mission? If so...you know who is in charge. If on the other hand you settle into this moment, embrace this step as if it were all that is...than spirit is leading the way.
How much do you enjoy what you are doing?
How much joy are you getting from the moment you are in right now? From the step of the journey you are on? Do you enjoy what you are doing right here and right now or is the destination the only thing you are focusing on? How present are you? The higher Self is always present, in the moment, focusing more on being here and now rather than outcome focused. In the higher level, doing it is all about the journey, not the destination.
When I come here every morning I lose track of time. I am completely absorbed in what I am doing, full of enthusiasm and I embrace every moment. I enjoy it. This I know is an egoless ( for the most part) doing. I have little recognition and my readership is anywhere between 100 readers a day to 3...and ultimately that is okay. It doesn't matter what ego may or may not get from this...I enjoy what I am doing. And if only three readers are getting something from this I have served. That feels good.
Who is doing the doing?
So who s doing what you are doing? Is it "little me'' that takes the credit or blame for your actions? Or do you feel sometimes that some Greater Force that you cannot even name or describe is flowing through you? If "little me" is taking credit or blame...than ego is in charge. If you feel you are being done rather than doing, it is the higher Self.
Poetry, I believe, is done through me rather than me doing anything. Ego is always in the background with its "Oh My God...you are not putting that up there! I am so embarrassed." I am learning not to take credit or blame for what I create. It has so little to do with me...it just comes through me. So even if t sucks I feel this intense compulsion to put it up. "Little me" has no say. :)
For whom is the doing being done?
Who are you doing what you are doing for? Are you doing it so "little me" will someday feel happy and fulfilled? If so you know what is going on. If you are doing what you are doing to serve the world in some way by all means the higher self is inspiring your actions. Sure "little me" may benefit but the motivation behind it is so much greater than ego need. A true egoless doing provides service to others and Self
Now these are just a few questions to ask yourself before you set out on your mission whatever it may be...to create a literary masterpiece or to find the answer to one of life's many issues...It doesn't matter what that mission is. Ensure that everything you do is inspired ( in -spirit) and as egoless as possible...and you as well as the whole world will benefit from your doing.
Otherwise be content to simply be.
All is well.
Eckhart Tolle & Tami Simon (December, 2019) Conscious Manifestation and The Present Moment. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xjX4IplPQuw
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/mission-quotes)
I often wonder about the things we "do". I wonder about whether they are inspired by ego or the deeper part of us. I want to be involved in inspired action rather than egoic reaction and meaningless doing.
What about you? What motivates the things you do?
Ego directed versus egoless doing
I know right off that the way I have approached Christmas over the years has been directed by ego rather than my need for peace and spiritual connection. I allowed myself each and every year to get pulled by the current of what was going on around me. Ego was very dominant! I listened! Sure that pull is getting less and less, and I always have some wonderful egoless moments each season but it is obvious ego is still there.
I also know that when I come here every morning...whether there is an ego intention sneaking around back stage or nor...these are primarily egoless moments. The doing I do here is motivated by something much greater than ego. It really is not so much about little me. Hmmm!
How Do We Tell the Difference?
This morning I tapped into a conversation between Tami Simon ( founder of Sounds True publishing) and Eckhart Tolle. (Dec, 2019) ) In the video the difference between the two modes of doing is discussed. According to Tolle, we can usually recognize ego in our actions by: our motivation, level of stress, the ease by which things are happening, how we react to obstacles, how present we are and how much we enjoy what we are doing. We can also determine what part of us in charge by who we perceive is doing the doing and for whom the doing is done.
What motivates you?
We may be able to recognize that ego is pushing us to act or accomplish something by our motivation. What is motivating you to do the thing you are doing? If you have a desire to fill in some major "gap" or sense of insufficiency in your life it is likely ego leading you forward. If you have a desire for "more" success, money, things, recognition or redemption...hmmm...probably ego. If on the other hand you approach what you are doing with this knowing that you are already enough...than that is likely your higher Self leading you to act.
Many of us, including me, are seeking to find happiness and to end the sense of suffering we feel. Too often enough we feel there is something missing in our lives, that we are less than and insufficient. We therefore have to "do" something to get there and that doing often involves seeking outside ourselves. This is always ego doing. The higher Self already knows we are enough, have enough and the only action we need to take part in is inspired action that makes the world a better place.
How Stressed are you?
So how stressed are you in your attempt to meet an action goal? Are you snappy and overcharged, over reacting to things that slow you down? Do you neglect other things of equal or greater importance than your mission? Are your muscles tense and is your body crying out with one form of dis-ease or another? If so...it may be ego leading your doing. Doing from the higher Self certainly involves a level of intense focus but there is a certain peace in it that cannot be denied. This level of intensity is enthusiastic rather than stressed.
I was very "stressed" over Christmas preparation...not enthusiastic. I am also quite stressed over certain things I write...only because I realize that ego is looking to gain a certain recognition for them. As soon as ego steps into my writing or any of my doing...there is stress.
How easy is it for you to accomplish what you are trying to accomplish?
Are you struggling to meet your goals? Do you find that there is just one thing going wrong after another? Is it a constant uphill battle? Hmmm. Though obstacles and challenges are always present in any type of seeking, when ego is in charge things never seem to go easy. We are not in the flow. When the higher Self is guiding us, there is a certain ease, a certain flow. The things in the external world that we need to help us achieve our goals just seem to show up and assist us.
Writing my books did not seem challenging. They just came out. One came out in less than four months. Getting them published, however, is a totally different matter. It seems like there is one obstacle after another. Why? The higher Self just wanted me to write the books. It is ego that wants recognition, success, and payment for them. I catch myself thinking sometimes, "Oh when they get published I will be more respected and understood then." I might be seeking more recognition than higher Self deems necessary.
I also find obstacles in "writer's block" ...especially when it comes to finishing my sister's story. Why? Ego...once again got in the way. This story was meant as an expression of her, for her... but somehow it became about me. Writer's block is just ego, I believe, stepping in front of the flow of what wants to pour out...it is like a dam wanting to control and redirect that flow. My sister's story is becoming more about what I can do to make "little me" look good than it is about creativity.
How do you react when you meet an obstacle?
So how do you respond when you hit a wall? How do you react to the things or people that seem to slow you down? If you find yourself reacting with frustration, anger, hostility or any form of active resistance, guess what? Ego is in charge of your doing. If on the other hand you find yourself responding to an added challenge with a certain level of acceptance and allowing than that is the higher you...inspiring your action. If you can take it a step farther to feel grateful for every obstacle and recognize it as grace providing a learning moment...than you are even more advanced than most.
I felt I had to do something about this thing I got going on in my body. That doing started out as inspired doing. Though ego was telling me not to mention the lump for fear of having to relive past experience...the greater part of me stepped up to make sure I did mention it. The same with the call to the clinic when I didn't hear back. Fear is of the ego and will never guide us to inspired action. I also noticed ego stepping in to my doing when I found myself angry, frustrated and blaming others for the fact that my test was not getting done soon enough. Ego...after not wanting me to do anything... wanted it done so it could put it all behind me and relieve the shame and fear that still comes with any health seeking I do. Spirit however...was allowing learning and opportunity for growth with the delay. It encouraged me to allow and see the grace in the delay. Accepting and allowing the obstacle brings more peace than resisting and struggling against it does.
How do you treat the present moment?
So how do you use the moment you are in? How do you treat the step you are taking right now, right here in the direction of your goal? Do you rush to get through it? Do you see it only as a stepping stone to the next moment, a means to an end? Are you more focused on outcome than what you are doing in this very instant? Do you resist the moments that add challenging circumstance to your mission? If so...you know who is in charge. If on the other hand you settle into this moment, embrace this step as if it were all that is...than spirit is leading the way.
How much do you enjoy what you are doing?
How much joy are you getting from the moment you are in right now? From the step of the journey you are on? Do you enjoy what you are doing right here and right now or is the destination the only thing you are focusing on? How present are you? The higher Self is always present, in the moment, focusing more on being here and now rather than outcome focused. In the higher level, doing it is all about the journey, not the destination.
When I come here every morning I lose track of time. I am completely absorbed in what I am doing, full of enthusiasm and I embrace every moment. I enjoy it. This I know is an egoless ( for the most part) doing. I have little recognition and my readership is anywhere between 100 readers a day to 3...and ultimately that is okay. It doesn't matter what ego may or may not get from this...I enjoy what I am doing. And if only three readers are getting something from this I have served. That feels good.
Who is doing the doing?
So who s doing what you are doing? Is it "little me'' that takes the credit or blame for your actions? Or do you feel sometimes that some Greater Force that you cannot even name or describe is flowing through you? If "little me" is taking credit or blame...than ego is in charge. If you feel you are being done rather than doing, it is the higher Self.
Poetry, I believe, is done through me rather than me doing anything. Ego is always in the background with its "Oh My God...you are not putting that up there! I am so embarrassed." I am learning not to take credit or blame for what I create. It has so little to do with me...it just comes through me. So even if t sucks I feel this intense compulsion to put it up. "Little me" has no say. :)
For whom is the doing being done?
Who are you doing what you are doing for? Are you doing it so "little me" will someday feel happy and fulfilled? If so you know what is going on. If you are doing what you are doing to serve the world in some way by all means the higher self is inspiring your actions. Sure "little me" may benefit but the motivation behind it is so much greater than ego need. A true egoless doing provides service to others and Self
Now these are just a few questions to ask yourself before you set out on your mission whatever it may be...to create a literary masterpiece or to find the answer to one of life's many issues...It doesn't matter what that mission is. Ensure that everything you do is inspired ( in -spirit) and as egoless as possible...and you as well as the whole world will benefit from your doing.
Otherwise be content to simply be.
All is well.
Eckhart Tolle & Tami Simon (December, 2019) Conscious Manifestation and The Present Moment. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xjX4IplPQuw
Thursday, December 26, 2019
Reflecting on Christmas
Christmas is a season not only of rejoicing but of reflection.
Winston Churchill
Survived it!
Imagine looking at a holiday that we traditionally revere to evaluate one's experience of it as survival.
On refection, I had some precious moments where I staid peaceful and in tune with what was happening around me. I also had some lovely joyful moments surrounded by family. And there were some sad and helpless moments where I was reminded how challenging this time is for some of my loved ones (for many people actually)...dangerously so.
There were some intoxicated moments too, followed by some hung over ones. I am not much of a drinker anymore and do well to put back one glass of wine every few weeks or even months but on Christmas Eve I had three and a half glasses...and that is way too much for me ( drops my systolic BP down into the 70's or lower) so I get more tipsy than the average duck and very, very weak the next day. I know better but I so just wanted to shut my mind off in a traditionally acceptable way. I wanted to have "fun" instead of having to constantly work my way through this heaviness. Ego told me it would be fun to slip below the heavy cloud cover I have been under for at least a few hours. I did enjoy myself but had to pay for it . I am so, so tired still :) I see again how substances are not the answer. I didn't wisely find my way through thinking...I simply plummeted below it and there is a difference.
More learning.
I am having my Christmas supper tonight and that will be nice. I do look forward to that. I also witnessed a moment or two of relief in a struggling loved one yesterday. Apparently the way I supported her through this without pushing her to take part in the expectations of the season...helped. I felt a little less helpless upon hearing that. :)
This thing on my body has not gone away in some Christmas miracle. The pain is definitely tolerable but getting a little louder everyday. I see the pain simply as a messenger. It wants to be heard. I will not forget that there is something there that needs attention any time soon.
Enough about "me". I hope you are enjoying (''en- JOY-ing") your holiday if you celebrate such and "en-JOY-ing" the preciousness of each moment if you don't.
All is well!
Winston Churchill
Survived it!
Imagine looking at a holiday that we traditionally revere to evaluate one's experience of it as survival.
On refection, I had some precious moments where I staid peaceful and in tune with what was happening around me. I also had some lovely joyful moments surrounded by family. And there were some sad and helpless moments where I was reminded how challenging this time is for some of my loved ones (for many people actually)...dangerously so.
There were some intoxicated moments too, followed by some hung over ones. I am not much of a drinker anymore and do well to put back one glass of wine every few weeks or even months but on Christmas Eve I had three and a half glasses...and that is way too much for me ( drops my systolic BP down into the 70's or lower) so I get more tipsy than the average duck and very, very weak the next day. I know better but I so just wanted to shut my mind off in a traditionally acceptable way. I wanted to have "fun" instead of having to constantly work my way through this heaviness. Ego told me it would be fun to slip below the heavy cloud cover I have been under for at least a few hours. I did enjoy myself but had to pay for it . I am so, so tired still :) I see again how substances are not the answer. I didn't wisely find my way through thinking...I simply plummeted below it and there is a difference.
More learning.
I am having my Christmas supper tonight and that will be nice. I do look forward to that. I also witnessed a moment or two of relief in a struggling loved one yesterday. Apparently the way I supported her through this without pushing her to take part in the expectations of the season...helped. I felt a little less helpless upon hearing that. :)
This thing on my body has not gone away in some Christmas miracle. The pain is definitely tolerable but getting a little louder everyday. I see the pain simply as a messenger. It wants to be heard. I will not forget that there is something there that needs attention any time soon.
Enough about "me". I hope you are enjoying (''en- JOY-ing") your holiday if you celebrate such and "en-JOY-ing" the preciousness of each moment if you don't.
All is well!
Monday, December 23, 2019
Wishing You Silence and Stillness This Christmas
The moment you pay attention to the dimension of silence there is a stillness in you.
-Eckhart Tolle
I believe the greatest gift this season offers is the reminder that it is all about peace. Yet it is so very easy to get pulled away from this peace by all the busy chatter in our minds on what there is to "do". Most of us get lost in constant busy activity...shopping, buying, wrapping, baking, decorating, preparing, meeting tradition and expectation...and spend so little of the season being.
One thing this little life circumstance gave me is a freedom from mental chatter related to this commercialized version of Christmas...I did very little, I thought very little of it...and was so surprised to realize that there are only two preparation days left. I have "stuff" for my children, and D. but nothing else. I still have to go back out there! Yuck. I don't even know if it is I or my ex doing the Christmas supper for the kids this year. (I will definitely cook a turkey for them but it may be on boxing day rather than Christmas). Unfortunately I didn't do my charity giving yet which is so important to me but even that doesn't matter because I don't believe that type of giving is nor should it be just seasonal. I am not invested in the date "December 25th", I guess. I will use it as a wonderful opportunity to bring family together, to make it a point to be charitable etc but other than that it does not have that great of a significance for me. (I sound like a scrooge, don't I?)
I have in the past found great peace in certain segments of it: on Christmas eve when the "rush" was over and there was no more opportunity to purchase another thing for anyone; when the kids were all in bed sleeping and I was out alone by the tree...after I did the Santa thing... I would just sit there reciting or sometimes even singing lol the words of silent night. Christmas Mass was very important to me too when I practiced as a Catholic...I chose the Christmas mass that followed the Christmas rush...when the church was not full and very peaceful. Christmas supper always brought me joy...preparing and sharing a big meal with all my children and loved ones around the table is very special. But yeah a certain relief comes when there is no more time or room for busy doing, rushing and commercialism. It just seems all wrong to me. Yet I get lost in it every year :)
Sigh...I want silence and stillness...I need more silence and stillness. That is what I am asking Santa for and what I wish for all of you.
Have a wonderful blessed and peaceful holiday.
All is well.
-Eckhart Tolle
I believe the greatest gift this season offers is the reminder that it is all about peace. Yet it is so very easy to get pulled away from this peace by all the busy chatter in our minds on what there is to "do". Most of us get lost in constant busy activity...shopping, buying, wrapping, baking, decorating, preparing, meeting tradition and expectation...and spend so little of the season being.
One thing this little life circumstance gave me is a freedom from mental chatter related to this commercialized version of Christmas...I did very little, I thought very little of it...and was so surprised to realize that there are only two preparation days left. I have "stuff" for my children, and D. but nothing else. I still have to go back out there! Yuck. I don't even know if it is I or my ex doing the Christmas supper for the kids this year. (I will definitely cook a turkey for them but it may be on boxing day rather than Christmas). Unfortunately I didn't do my charity giving yet which is so important to me but even that doesn't matter because I don't believe that type of giving is nor should it be just seasonal. I am not invested in the date "December 25th", I guess. I will use it as a wonderful opportunity to bring family together, to make it a point to be charitable etc but other than that it does not have that great of a significance for me. (I sound like a scrooge, don't I?)
I have in the past found great peace in certain segments of it: on Christmas eve when the "rush" was over and there was no more opportunity to purchase another thing for anyone; when the kids were all in bed sleeping and I was out alone by the tree...after I did the Santa thing... I would just sit there reciting or sometimes even singing lol the words of silent night. Christmas Mass was very important to me too when I practiced as a Catholic...I chose the Christmas mass that followed the Christmas rush...when the church was not full and very peaceful. Christmas supper always brought me joy...preparing and sharing a big meal with all my children and loved ones around the table is very special. But yeah a certain relief comes when there is no more time or room for busy doing, rushing and commercialism. It just seems all wrong to me. Yet I get lost in it every year :)
Sigh...I want silence and stillness...I need more silence and stillness. That is what I am asking Santa for and what I wish for all of you.
Have a wonderful blessed and peaceful holiday.
All is well.
(Yes I am giving you the same Christmas card almost every year with these pics...my bad. :))
Sunday, December 22, 2019
700 Moments
Wisdom will not come until we step into the dimension [field] of no thought.
Eckhart Tolle
On this pitch or field that is the life I have been living the last few days, my mind is scoring a whopping 3,789,654 moments and no-thought about 700. I am definitely lost in mind much, much more than I am out of it ...but...but...I do keep trying to step out. I have succeeded 700 times. Of course, I am just using numbers to make a point. :)
It is challenging to slip from worry into moment. Oh man what I wouldn't do for the level of peace and wisdom an elevated practice would give me. I don't need to win or beat mind into submission...I just want more peace and ease. Sigh!
Well for now...I need to be grateful and content with the 700 ( or whatever) moments I have earned and continue to practice my way to more.
This is what I tell myself to coach me along:
It starts in this moment...big breath in and out...release, let go of mind...be here and now. Stay here as long as you can. Notice and appreciate everything that is in this moment without naming it, judging it, clinging to it or resisting it. Just notice ...breath, body, surroundings...Life.
The mind is going to come back in, that's okay...just watch it come in without getting lost in its story; without believing that everything it is telling you is so urgent and in need of your attention ...that you must drop the moment and follow it . What is important is this breath.
Breathe...glorious breath in...feel the belly rising to accommodate for more space, more Life, more now.
Pause...feel the stillness.
Release...release the breath...release the mind and all the things you thought you needed to do and think of...feel the belly contracting...helping you to expel what you don't need to make room for what you do.
Pause...notice stillness, quiet, space between breath, between thoughts. You have arrived. You are here and now.
Begin again....
People might think that this type of practice is a little woo-woo. That's okay. All that matters is that it brings peace...a momentary end to the mental suffering worry over my circumstances creates. It takes me out of the only place suffering exists...in my mind, in this idea of a future outcome. If it works 700 times...it is beautiful...regardless of how others judge it .
If I can have 700 moments of peace instead of anguish...is that not a wise choice? Wisdom, after all, is what I seek in the field of no thought and what I will ultimately find in my practice.
All is well in my world
Eckhart Tolle
On this pitch or field that is the life I have been living the last few days, my mind is scoring a whopping 3,789,654 moments and no-thought about 700. I am definitely lost in mind much, much more than I am out of it ...but...but...I do keep trying to step out. I have succeeded 700 times. Of course, I am just using numbers to make a point. :)
It is challenging to slip from worry into moment. Oh man what I wouldn't do for the level of peace and wisdom an elevated practice would give me. I don't need to win or beat mind into submission...I just want more peace and ease. Sigh!
Well for now...I need to be grateful and content with the 700 ( or whatever) moments I have earned and continue to practice my way to more.
This is what I tell myself to coach me along:
It starts in this moment...big breath in and out...release, let go of mind...be here and now. Stay here as long as you can. Notice and appreciate everything that is in this moment without naming it, judging it, clinging to it or resisting it. Just notice ...breath, body, surroundings...Life.
The mind is going to come back in, that's okay...just watch it come in without getting lost in its story; without believing that everything it is telling you is so urgent and in need of your attention ...that you must drop the moment and follow it . What is important is this breath.
Breathe...glorious breath in...feel the belly rising to accommodate for more space, more Life, more now.
Pause...feel the stillness.
Release...release the breath...release the mind and all the things you thought you needed to do and think of...feel the belly contracting...helping you to expel what you don't need to make room for what you do.
Pause...notice stillness, quiet, space between breath, between thoughts. You have arrived. You are here and now.
Begin again....
People might think that this type of practice is a little woo-woo. That's okay. All that matters is that it brings peace...a momentary end to the mental suffering worry over my circumstances creates. It takes me out of the only place suffering exists...in my mind, in this idea of a future outcome. If it works 700 times...it is beautiful...regardless of how others judge it .
If I can have 700 moments of peace instead of anguish...is that not a wise choice? Wisdom, after all, is what I seek in the field of no thought and what I will ultimately find in my practice.
All is well in my world
Saturday, December 21, 2019
The Practice
I feel it is important to know that it is the perfection of wisdom, rather than the perfection of meditation, that is stressed as the key to attaining enlightenment.
Dalai Lama (calendar)
I am practicing lol! I still listen and read what I can to enhance my learning. I meditate even though it is a little more challenging to do so well these days. Most importantly, I am working on choosing peace.
I find myself getting lost in worry, filling my mind with all the conversations, confrontations and choices I will have to make in the future. And I pull myself back into the moment , into "reality".
Off the mind goes again with me chasing behind it...and I call myself back. Sometimes I come back willingly with my tail between my legs, other times I come back resisting the leash. But I come back!
I will get a twinge of pain out of nowhere...and off the mind goes again dragging me into some deep dark cave. I take a deep breath and I dig my way out until I can see the sun again.
Then I will catch myself dreaming of or spending precious parts of my day trying on the different possible outcomes for this as if preparing myself to star in either role. I sigh...put down the script...and attempt to perfect the role I am living right here and right now.
Just when I think I am handling this all so bravely and thinking I have all the worry behind me, I will find myself snapping at someone for some thing silly or the tears will come into my eyes. I breathe and I attempt to allow the feelings to just be as I gently remind myself that we "know nothing yet". ..."it is likely nothing." Then I find myself imagining how I will confront this pissed off person if ( not if "when") it all proves to be nothing. I experience the anticipatory shame. I swallow hard and bring myself back to my breath, my surroundings here and now...the present moment.
I keep slipping into the "problematic" mind and I keep pulling myself back to the moment. This, I am realizing my dear friends, is what a real spiritual practice is all about!!! It involves catching ourselves getting lost in thinking and pulling ourselves back...again and again and again...to the only thing that is real...our present moment.
We get closer to truth a whole lot quicker this way than we ever would if we left all the physical problems of the world behind to meditate on some mountaintop. (Ooops! Did not mean for that to sound judgmental towards those who choose that life...there is definitely a place for them. But for most of us ...it is all about finding the space beyond the thinking as we deal with secular life.)
Every time we become aware of our being lost in mind, we become un-lost. Every time we pull ourselves away from mind, we are finding the space. Every new time we find the space...the longer we stay there. The longer we stay in spacious presence, the wiser we become.
Awareness, disentangling and increasing the moments we spend in still, silent space free of mental trappings ( regardless of what we are doing in terms of physical world obligations) marks our practice in terms of success. So simple, so real and so very effective. Keep bringing yourself back!
All is well in my world.
Dalai Lama (calendar)
I am practicing lol! I still listen and read what I can to enhance my learning. I meditate even though it is a little more challenging to do so well these days. Most importantly, I am working on choosing peace.
I find myself getting lost in worry, filling my mind with all the conversations, confrontations and choices I will have to make in the future. And I pull myself back into the moment , into "reality".
Off the mind goes again with me chasing behind it...and I call myself back. Sometimes I come back willingly with my tail between my legs, other times I come back resisting the leash. But I come back!
I will get a twinge of pain out of nowhere...and off the mind goes again dragging me into some deep dark cave. I take a deep breath and I dig my way out until I can see the sun again.
Then I will catch myself dreaming of or spending precious parts of my day trying on the different possible outcomes for this as if preparing myself to star in either role. I sigh...put down the script...and attempt to perfect the role I am living right here and right now.
Just when I think I am handling this all so bravely and thinking I have all the worry behind me, I will find myself snapping at someone for some thing silly or the tears will come into my eyes. I breathe and I attempt to allow the feelings to just be as I gently remind myself that we "know nothing yet". ..."it is likely nothing." Then I find myself imagining how I will confront this pissed off person if ( not if "when") it all proves to be nothing. I experience the anticipatory shame. I swallow hard and bring myself back to my breath, my surroundings here and now...the present moment.
I keep slipping into the "problematic" mind and I keep pulling myself back to the moment. This, I am realizing my dear friends, is what a real spiritual practice is all about!!! It involves catching ourselves getting lost in thinking and pulling ourselves back...again and again and again...to the only thing that is real...our present moment.
We get closer to truth a whole lot quicker this way than we ever would if we left all the physical problems of the world behind to meditate on some mountaintop. (Ooops! Did not mean for that to sound judgmental towards those who choose that life...there is definitely a place for them. But for most of us ...it is all about finding the space beyond the thinking as we deal with secular life.)
Every time we become aware of our being lost in mind, we become un-lost. Every time we pull ourselves away from mind, we are finding the space. Every new time we find the space...the longer we stay there. The longer we stay in spacious presence, the wiser we become.
Awareness, disentangling and increasing the moments we spend in still, silent space free of mental trappings ( regardless of what we are doing in terms of physical world obligations) marks our practice in terms of success. So simple, so real and so very effective. Keep bringing yourself back!
All is well in my world.
Friday, December 20, 2019
Regardless
Do you want to be happy [peaceful , calm and grounded] from this point forward for the rest of your life, regardless of what happens?
Michael A. Singer( the untethered soul, page 142)
OMG! Another call. I thought it was to repeat the ultrasound and I was going to tell the one calling that I am not sure if I would waste tax payers dollars and resources on a test where only the cyst showed up before. I was going to inform them that I would check with the referring doctors first. But I didn't have to tell her anything...she told me it was for a mammogram and an ultrasound. The mammogram got ordered after all. I am not sure what changed his mind but something did from yesterday to today. I am glad because it hurts more now than it did.
The only thing is that I have to wait 2 and a half more weeks. I have to wait and wonder over Christmas...when if ego didn't get in the way, I could have had an appointment as per the second urgent request from the surgeon this afternoon...when if ego didn't get in the way back when this began over a month ago...I would have had it all done as per my GP's request and we would know what this was. I would have gotten the diagnosis, "ductal ectasia that caused a complicated cyst" ( I can't remember if it is complicated or complex...he told me it was "simple" but the report said differently.) It would have been out of my mind and out of my life...well at least for a few months until they had to look at the cyst again ...but you know what I mean.
Now as a lovely Christmas gift from a bruised ego ( I don't know where the final punch to it came from...that led to the sudden change in mind) ...I have two and a half more weeks of glorious worry.
Hmmm! Glorious worry as a gift?
Now a prolongation of worry may be ( or may not be) what this ego is offering me but the question arises: Do I have to take it? And the answer is No! I definitely do not!
I mean in the external world sense I could resist the wait. I could call back down to the breast Clinic...and I could probably get in for a mammogram down there long before Jan 6 and have the opinion of a non biased observer that I wouldn't have to go into full confrontation mode with, as I am assuming will be the case on January 6. I could put up a fuss and manipulate the system somehow.
I am not going to do that though. I think this is all happening for a reason. This is about so much more than what may or may not be going on in my body. I need to have the appointment done here because I need to find my way through shame and fear so I can confront what and who needs to be confronted in a healthy, peaceful way...for my sake and for the sake of all those coming behind me. I need closure of this health seeking shame once and for all.
And as far as having to worry. Of course, I don't. Worry is a choice for fear rather than peace, for ego rather than a calm and grounded presence. I choose peace and I choose presence. I have learned enough skills over the years to bring me back to this worry free being whenever ego creeps in. What a wonderful opportunity to perfect the practice.
It is all so very good. All is well in my world.
Michael A. Singer( the untethered soul, page 142)
OMG! Another call. I thought it was to repeat the ultrasound and I was going to tell the one calling that I am not sure if I would waste tax payers dollars and resources on a test where only the cyst showed up before. I was going to inform them that I would check with the referring doctors first. But I didn't have to tell her anything...she told me it was for a mammogram and an ultrasound. The mammogram got ordered after all. I am not sure what changed his mind but something did from yesterday to today. I am glad because it hurts more now than it did.
The only thing is that I have to wait 2 and a half more weeks. I have to wait and wonder over Christmas...when if ego didn't get in the way, I could have had an appointment as per the second urgent request from the surgeon this afternoon...when if ego didn't get in the way back when this began over a month ago...I would have had it all done as per my GP's request and we would know what this was. I would have gotten the diagnosis, "ductal ectasia that caused a complicated cyst" ( I can't remember if it is complicated or complex...he told me it was "simple" but the report said differently.) It would have been out of my mind and out of my life...well at least for a few months until they had to look at the cyst again ...but you know what I mean.
Now as a lovely Christmas gift from a bruised ego ( I don't know where the final punch to it came from...that led to the sudden change in mind) ...I have two and a half more weeks of glorious worry.
Hmmm! Glorious worry as a gift?
Now a prolongation of worry may be ( or may not be) what this ego is offering me but the question arises: Do I have to take it? And the answer is No! I definitely do not!
I mean in the external world sense I could resist the wait. I could call back down to the breast Clinic...and I could probably get in for a mammogram down there long before Jan 6 and have the opinion of a non biased observer that I wouldn't have to go into full confrontation mode with, as I am assuming will be the case on January 6. I could put up a fuss and manipulate the system somehow.
I am not going to do that though. I think this is all happening for a reason. This is about so much more than what may or may not be going on in my body. I need to have the appointment done here because I need to find my way through shame and fear so I can confront what and who needs to be confronted in a healthy, peaceful way...for my sake and for the sake of all those coming behind me. I need closure of this health seeking shame once and for all.
And as far as having to worry. Of course, I don't. Worry is a choice for fear rather than peace, for ego rather than a calm and grounded presence. I choose peace and I choose presence. I have learned enough skills over the years to bring me back to this worry free being whenever ego creeps in. What a wonderful opportunity to perfect the practice.
It is all so very good. All is well in my world.
Not So Fragile!
I came across this poem that was ironically written a year ago today and see the relevance of it. It may certainly suck in poetic terms (may rework it) but its message is pretty solid. The last line of the first stanza is what hit me at first. I think of the game of egos I feel caught in between now and my victimized ego says, "I am the cost". Ego would run away with that as it has so many times in the last month...the last few days especially ...since I found out my test was denied but as I truly look at it...I see it is not about being a victim to something or someone outside me. It shows me there is a way through this story I am telling myself. "If you find your little self ...fighting to survive...allow the door of truth to open."
When that door opens we see that whatever we are afraid of losing is insignificant and what is significant we cannot lose... "remaining as it is". This test is just a test that may or may not be necessary to save my health from deteriorating. Whatever is going on in my body is insignificant...just something passing across the "surface phenomenon of Life". I just need to watch it pass from the deeper background of "timeless awareness". Regardless if it is or isn't cancer it is just a "thing we cling to" that effects the body. All "Bodies will die , yours and mine." ...with or without tests, or diagnosis of some form of disease.
I gave a month of precious life energy to this worry. It was always in the back of my mind or in my body ( now that I have the pain with it). It was only when I was able to still myself for a moment or two that I would remember this truth and see it all I was worrying about as insignificant.
It did become harder to still myself...in the last few days...but I make a concerted effort to because I want to be reminded of the truth. I do not want to get lost in worry over how things are or aren't getting done to show me what this is in medical terms. At the deepest level...it really doesn't matter. This experience is offering me a wonderful growing opportunity. I must, "learn to breathe, learn to smile, learn to love and to learn to simply be " through even circumstances like this. If I master that here and now, I will master it anywhere. I will be able to go through life without worrying or feeling caught between the egos of others.
I am grateful for this learning opportunity. I want to be able to enjoy "the changing scenery" of my life...all of it.
Hmmm! All is well!
Fragile
How fragile this cup I hold in my two hands. I suddenly realize it will not last.
Like all of the surface phenomenon of Life, it will crack; it will crumble; it will pass.
I look down at these hands, wrinkled with passing time and see the same
like the cup, this idea of me in its aging form, is just a chip in ego's cruel game.
Nothing lasts. The clock's busy second hand will someday cease its distracting noise
and the magic secrets of past and future will be revealed as deceptive ploys.
Bodies will die, yours and mine. The things we cling to will rust , decay and get lost.
Our desire to win a game or two as ego deals, will always come at cost.
The continuous flux of worldly things will surely turn to rubble and bury us alive
but if you find your little self choking on the dust beneath the debris, fighting to survive...
Stop for a second, quiet your mind and listen . Be still. Allow the door of truth to open.
Through just a crack you will see the absolute reality when true vision has awoken.
There is something there that is not fragile, that is permanent, real, remaining as it is.
This timeless awareness of who you are will show you there is so much more than 'this'.
From that place of knowing just watch the insignificant pass and enjoy the changing scenery.
Learn to breathe, learn to smile, learn to love and learn to simply be.
Dale-Lyn Dec 2018
When that door opens we see that whatever we are afraid of losing is insignificant and what is significant we cannot lose... "remaining as it is". This test is just a test that may or may not be necessary to save my health from deteriorating. Whatever is going on in my body is insignificant...just something passing across the "surface phenomenon of Life". I just need to watch it pass from the deeper background of "timeless awareness". Regardless if it is or isn't cancer it is just a "thing we cling to" that effects the body. All "Bodies will die , yours and mine." ...with or without tests, or diagnosis of some form of disease.
I gave a month of precious life energy to this worry. It was always in the back of my mind or in my body ( now that I have the pain with it). It was only when I was able to still myself for a moment or two that I would remember this truth and see it all I was worrying about as insignificant.
It did become harder to still myself...in the last few days...but I make a concerted effort to because I want to be reminded of the truth. I do not want to get lost in worry over how things are or aren't getting done to show me what this is in medical terms. At the deepest level...it really doesn't matter. This experience is offering me a wonderful growing opportunity. I must, "learn to breathe, learn to smile, learn to love and to learn to simply be " through even circumstances like this. If I master that here and now, I will master it anywhere. I will be able to go through life without worrying or feeling caught between the egos of others.
I am grateful for this learning opportunity. I want to be able to enjoy "the changing scenery" of my life...all of it.
Hmmm! All is well!
Fragile
How fragile this cup I hold in my two hands. I suddenly realize it will not last.
Like all of the surface phenomenon of Life, it will crack; it will crumble; it will pass.
I look down at these hands, wrinkled with passing time and see the same
like the cup, this idea of me in its aging form, is just a chip in ego's cruel game.
Nothing lasts. The clock's busy second hand will someday cease its distracting noise
and the magic secrets of past and future will be revealed as deceptive ploys.
Bodies will die, yours and mine. The things we cling to will rust , decay and get lost.
Our desire to win a game or two as ego deals, will always come at cost.
The continuous flux of worldly things will surely turn to rubble and bury us alive
but if you find your little self choking on the dust beneath the debris, fighting to survive...
Stop for a second, quiet your mind and listen . Be still. Allow the door of truth to open.
Through just a crack you will see the absolute reality when true vision has awoken.
There is something there that is not fragile, that is permanent, real, remaining as it is.
This timeless awareness of who you are will show you there is so much more than 'this'.
From that place of knowing just watch the insignificant pass and enjoy the changing scenery.
Learn to breathe, learn to smile, learn to love and learn to simply be.
Dale-Lyn Dec 2018
Thursday, December 19, 2019
Follow up!
It is in the act of having to do things you don't want to that you learn something about moving past the self. The ego.
bell hooks
Well! Well! The test is not tomorrow after all . The request was brought to the person of concern after my appointment was already booked and he said "No!" He will repeat an ultrasound sometime in the future and then "he" will decide if a mammogram will be needed! An ultrasound did not even recognize this mass the last time...it picked up a small complicated cyst and that was it! This is so, so bizarre...I know it is a great opportunity to learn but it is just too bizarre. I am dealing with ego where there is no room for ego! And my reserves for tolerance and forgiveness is maxed out! This is crazy! I am pissed!
I step away.
I am back after grounding with breath. On a brighter note...feeling angry, even though I do not want to stay here, feels a heck of a lot better than shame and fear. I didn't want to have to put any work into advocating for my own health but this anger pushes me forward to do so . I am getting all the information I can on the radiology protocol for diagnostic mammography/ ultrasound, on making and receiving a request for diagnostic mammography, on diagnostic criteria for complex vs complicated cysts (even though I know the cyst is only part of this...it is the only thing showing up on ultrasound), on ductal ectasia and ductal hyperplasia ( other benign conditions this thickening could be).
In the meantime, I keep checking to make sure that the mass is still there and that it is real so I don't slip back into the thought stream of thinking I am lying, making things up and seeking tests I don't need. I AM NOT!! My physician and a well renown surgeon at the provincial breast clinic have made this request twice!!! Not me...I just wanted to know what it was. I know for a fact I have not done anything wrong in seeking a diagnosis! I know the issue that is preventing me from getting what I need is mostly due to other egos and not just my ingrained belief. Whew!
I am gathering information not just so I make myself right but so that I can look at this objectively, respecting the guiding opinion of the other. Maybe I will discover that this is more than an egoic decision on his part. Have yet to discover that after all my reading but maybe I will before I am done here. :)
I am less angry, working on tolerance and forgiveness...seeing the person of concern as operating unconsciously as we all do from time to time. Ego and pain body can be very demanding captors in any of us. The need to be right can sometimes get in the way of seeing clearly even in situations like this.
I have to remember that this is a wonderful learning opportunity to get beyond my habitual way of retracting in such situations . I wonder if I am passing?
All is well.
bell hooks
Well! Well! The test is not tomorrow after all . The request was brought to the person of concern after my appointment was already booked and he said "No!" He will repeat an ultrasound sometime in the future and then "he" will decide if a mammogram will be needed! An ultrasound did not even recognize this mass the last time...it picked up a small complicated cyst and that was it! This is so, so bizarre...I know it is a great opportunity to learn but it is just too bizarre. I am dealing with ego where there is no room for ego! And my reserves for tolerance and forgiveness is maxed out! This is crazy! I am pissed!
I step away.
I am back after grounding with breath. On a brighter note...feeling angry, even though I do not want to stay here, feels a heck of a lot better than shame and fear. I didn't want to have to put any work into advocating for my own health but this anger pushes me forward to do so . I am getting all the information I can on the radiology protocol for diagnostic mammography/ ultrasound, on making and receiving a request for diagnostic mammography, on diagnostic criteria for complex vs complicated cysts (even though I know the cyst is only part of this...it is the only thing showing up on ultrasound), on ductal ectasia and ductal hyperplasia ( other benign conditions this thickening could be).
In the meantime, I keep checking to make sure that the mass is still there and that it is real so I don't slip back into the thought stream of thinking I am lying, making things up and seeking tests I don't need. I AM NOT!! My physician and a well renown surgeon at the provincial breast clinic have made this request twice!!! Not me...I just wanted to know what it was. I know for a fact I have not done anything wrong in seeking a diagnosis! I know the issue that is preventing me from getting what I need is mostly due to other egos and not just my ingrained belief. Whew!
I am gathering information not just so I make myself right but so that I can look at this objectively, respecting the guiding opinion of the other. Maybe I will discover that this is more than an egoic decision on his part. Have yet to discover that after all my reading but maybe I will before I am done here. :)
I am less angry, working on tolerance and forgiveness...seeing the person of concern as operating unconsciously as we all do from time to time. Ego and pain body can be very demanding captors in any of us. The need to be right can sometimes get in the way of seeing clearly even in situations like this.
I have to remember that this is a wonderful learning opportunity to get beyond my habitual way of retracting in such situations . I wonder if I am passing?
All is well.
Belief and Well Being
Wellness is the complete integration of body, mind and spirit-the realization that everything we do, think, feel, and believe has an effect on our state of well-being.
Greg Anderson (https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/wellness-quotes)
Still Retracting
Man! Sometimes I am amazed at how, despite all my own growing and evolving, I retract back into a pathetic state of shame and fear when I have to advocate for my own health. My health seeking experiences in the past have been traumatic...trauma on top of trauma, wounding on top of wounding. That sounds so dramatic I know ...but that is the truth of my physical and mental world experience. There are scars clinging to me. Shame and Fear are the results of trauma tissue and it is hard to see beyond them when the scars gets poked. Every time I have to access the health care system...it gets poked. I retract back into that trauma experience...instead of expanding forward. Sigh....I have some work to do.
Healing Through Writing
I have tried to heal in many ways from trauma over the years and have come so very far. My healing usually involves writing and I have written books on transcending trauma. And I have written books on my experience seeking health...a series under the title: "Diary of an Interesting Patient" ...that have proven to be very cathartic. I have also begun writing a book and sending out proposals on improving communication in the health care system...on putting the "care" back in health care when relating to patients and each other within a team. (My inspiration for that book has come from years teaching Communications classes to heath care students as well as my own experience witnessing and personally being on the receiving end of this communications process. ) So writing definitely helped pull me so far into expansion. I am so grateful for that.
Warning: Long Personal Story Ahead
And, I warn you, that I am about to use the cathartic medium of writing to work some things out here. So you may or may not choose to read on as I relay a long winded "personal story" :) I do so, so I can get beyond it. I also hope it may help those of you who are among the many who have had similar experiences.
I have come so far
I have been able to expand beyond my perception of trauma through the spiritual work I have been doing over the years. I see how far I have come. It has been so liberating and wonderful ...taking me so far away from my retracted mode. I truly am evolving!
But....there is always a but, isn't there?
The Health Care System as a Trigger for Retraction
I still retract into an earlier stage of development whenever I have to access the health care system. If I have to step up and go beyond just expressing my signs and symptoms to someone, to actually advocating for myself...man... part of me retracts like a hand away from a flame. It is just a habitual reflex to become that little girl again that was never allowed to be sick.
It is not the health care system and especially not the people in it that causes me the "problem" accessing and advocating. It is my mind and an inherit belief system so ingrained inside me that says, "It is wrong for me...not anyone else...just me... to bother busy people with my problems. If I am going to bother anyone it better be for something damn serious and if it isn't serious enough there will be hell to pay!!" I reek of that belief when I deal with physicians especially.
As if I was manifesting expected responses because of my belief there was "hell to pay" over the years. In the later years, it came in the form of shaming. No one else may have been reduced to a shamed and frightened child by the reactions my health seeking received...but because of my past I was. For example, I once had an internal med sit across from me and call me a "liar" because I was telling him my sister's autopsy report said she died of a fatal arrhythmia. I sat thee in front of him as he called me this, more than once during that visit, feeling like a disobedient child. I had to go home and check to be sure that is what the autopsy said because I almost believed he was right. He wasn't.
Another told me I had a problem "seeking tests" I didn't need and wasting valuable health care resources unnecessarily and dangerously. I was having chest pain at the time (as well as joint pain) that would knock me down and heart rates dropping into the 30's and jumping up for no reason above the 200 range...I was so dizzy and tired some days I couldn't get off the couch. I never asked for one test...even though many were performed. All I wanted was to know what to do about it. But I was left to believe I was just making it all up and wasting resources.
During one emergency room visit when I had to take nitro almost a dozen times throughout the day ( it would work when I took it but the pain kept coming back) another internal med slipped a folded piece of paper in my hand as a diagnosis. I "googled" it when I was released home by him...as he instructed me to do. The diagnosis was "Fat Folder Syndrome."
It wasn't until I began to faint around the same time "more believable" family members started having observed issues with their heart rates (including V tach and atrial fib and flutter...fib and flutter showed up on some of my tests more than once but I was told it was just muscle twitching and artifact even though I was pushing the button recording symptoms at the time) and three siblings had infarcts in their 50's that someone said, "Well maybe she is telling the truth." And even then it was a big "maybe". My integrity was constantly being questioned because of the size of my chart.
Twenty-some years after my health seeking began, I was given three fairly minor diagnosis', each from a different specialist, that each by themselves mean nothing but together can explain my symptoms enough to get adequate treatment. But I really had to fight my way through shame and fear and the assumptions of others to get those. There is still enough external question and doubt about me having a "heart problem" that I prefer not to speak of it anymore. It was all too traumatic and exhausting as well as deeply scarring.
Sigh!
If my series, "Diary of an Interesting Patient," ever gets published, please read it. It is not as whiny as all the above makes it seem lol...It is actually more about the learning and the grace all this experience has provided me, taking me farther from ego and closer to God. :)
Of course....I have not healed completely...thus my relaying a long boring sordid history here. Even though it is all in the past and just "story", as true as it may be, I felt I needed to. Why?
Accessing And Advocating Again
Because once again I am needing to advocate for my health and this time I want to do it differently. I want to learn from my mistakes. I need to let go of my past experiences and the triggers that bring me back to retraction once and for all. I can use this experience to find a way to walk through shame and fear into Love for myself, the system and all those in it, and into a wellness I need to believe I deserve! I will not retract again! It just takes too much from my life experience when I do. I want to expand through this. :)
So...
I made a second call to the breast clinic ( and it was hard to get past shame and fear to do so but I did). I spoke to a nurse ( I love nurses! And not just because I used to be one lol). I said: "I am just wondering about this test that got denied ...I still have this thickening and am now having discomfort in the area." I stressed that "it is probably just ductal ectasia" but that I want someone to tell me that. She attempted to clarify by asking if I wanted the mammogram...and for a moment I slipped back to the accusation placed upon me years ago by the internal med who diagnosed me as a test seeker...and I nearly retracted and hung up...but I didn't. I grounded myself in breath and just said "I don't care if the mammogram ever gets done...I just want someone to tell me this is just ductal ectasia." She was very kind and understanding and spoke to the surgeon who is going to make a second request for a diagnostic left breast mammogram based on my reporting a change in sensation.
This is the very same thing my GP wanted done over a month ago. Imagine...going full circle, creating a month of shame and fear for me, and extra headache for an overtaxed system when it was all so unnecessary. Someone else's ego got in the way. Whomever won't be happy when I show up for this test if I am even permitted to. I anticipate that ego will feel the sting of needing to prove it was right and in order to do so someone will have to be wronged. It will likely be me. :) I will prepare myself for that. Sigh!
A Need for Healing
Anyway...it is what it is. There is no problem...just a need for healing. The only healing that I need to focus on...is not in the health care system or the individuals who work in it...but in me. I have to begin changing my own core beliefs around so I know I have a right to use this system...to know I am worthy of medical validation and care.
I, as all of you do, have a right to wellness. That wellness is much more than just having a lump diagnosed as nothing in order to give us peace of mind. It involves expanding beyond shame and fear into the life and the Love that is waiting for us on the other side.
All is well in my world!
Just got a call as I was finishing up this entry...the test is tomorrow afternoon. :) Now I don't know if I am more worried about something showing up or not showing up after all that lol. It will be as it is.
All is well!
Greg Anderson (https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/wellness-quotes)
Still Retracting
Man! Sometimes I am amazed at how, despite all my own growing and evolving, I retract back into a pathetic state of shame and fear when I have to advocate for my own health. My health seeking experiences in the past have been traumatic...trauma on top of trauma, wounding on top of wounding. That sounds so dramatic I know ...but that is the truth of my physical and mental world experience. There are scars clinging to me. Shame and Fear are the results of trauma tissue and it is hard to see beyond them when the scars gets poked. Every time I have to access the health care system...it gets poked. I retract back into that trauma experience...instead of expanding forward. Sigh....I have some work to do.
Healing Through Writing
I have tried to heal in many ways from trauma over the years and have come so very far. My healing usually involves writing and I have written books on transcending trauma. And I have written books on my experience seeking health...a series under the title: "Diary of an Interesting Patient" ...that have proven to be very cathartic. I have also begun writing a book and sending out proposals on improving communication in the health care system...on putting the "care" back in health care when relating to patients and each other within a team. (My inspiration for that book has come from years teaching Communications classes to heath care students as well as my own experience witnessing and personally being on the receiving end of this communications process. ) So writing definitely helped pull me so far into expansion. I am so grateful for that.
Warning: Long Personal Story Ahead
And, I warn you, that I am about to use the cathartic medium of writing to work some things out here. So you may or may not choose to read on as I relay a long winded "personal story" :) I do so, so I can get beyond it. I also hope it may help those of you who are among the many who have had similar experiences.
I have come so far
I have been able to expand beyond my perception of trauma through the spiritual work I have been doing over the years. I see how far I have come. It has been so liberating and wonderful ...taking me so far away from my retracted mode. I truly am evolving!
But....there is always a but, isn't there?
The Health Care System as a Trigger for Retraction
I still retract into an earlier stage of development whenever I have to access the health care system. If I have to step up and go beyond just expressing my signs and symptoms to someone, to actually advocating for myself...man... part of me retracts like a hand away from a flame. It is just a habitual reflex to become that little girl again that was never allowed to be sick.
It is not the health care system and especially not the people in it that causes me the "problem" accessing and advocating. It is my mind and an inherit belief system so ingrained inside me that says, "It is wrong for me...not anyone else...just me... to bother busy people with my problems. If I am going to bother anyone it better be for something damn serious and if it isn't serious enough there will be hell to pay!!" I reek of that belief when I deal with physicians especially.
As if I was manifesting expected responses because of my belief there was "hell to pay" over the years. In the later years, it came in the form of shaming. No one else may have been reduced to a shamed and frightened child by the reactions my health seeking received...but because of my past I was. For example, I once had an internal med sit across from me and call me a "liar" because I was telling him my sister's autopsy report said she died of a fatal arrhythmia. I sat thee in front of him as he called me this, more than once during that visit, feeling like a disobedient child. I had to go home and check to be sure that is what the autopsy said because I almost believed he was right. He wasn't.
Another told me I had a problem "seeking tests" I didn't need and wasting valuable health care resources unnecessarily and dangerously. I was having chest pain at the time (as well as joint pain) that would knock me down and heart rates dropping into the 30's and jumping up for no reason above the 200 range...I was so dizzy and tired some days I couldn't get off the couch. I never asked for one test...even though many were performed. All I wanted was to know what to do about it. But I was left to believe I was just making it all up and wasting resources.
During one emergency room visit when I had to take nitro almost a dozen times throughout the day ( it would work when I took it but the pain kept coming back) another internal med slipped a folded piece of paper in my hand as a diagnosis. I "googled" it when I was released home by him...as he instructed me to do. The diagnosis was "Fat Folder Syndrome."
It wasn't until I began to faint around the same time "more believable" family members started having observed issues with their heart rates (including V tach and atrial fib and flutter...fib and flutter showed up on some of my tests more than once but I was told it was just muscle twitching and artifact even though I was pushing the button recording symptoms at the time) and three siblings had infarcts in their 50's that someone said, "Well maybe she is telling the truth." And even then it was a big "maybe". My integrity was constantly being questioned because of the size of my chart.
Twenty-some years after my health seeking began, I was given three fairly minor diagnosis', each from a different specialist, that each by themselves mean nothing but together can explain my symptoms enough to get adequate treatment. But I really had to fight my way through shame and fear and the assumptions of others to get those. There is still enough external question and doubt about me having a "heart problem" that I prefer not to speak of it anymore. It was all too traumatic and exhausting as well as deeply scarring.
Sigh!
If my series, "Diary of an Interesting Patient," ever gets published, please read it. It is not as whiny as all the above makes it seem lol...It is actually more about the learning and the grace all this experience has provided me, taking me farther from ego and closer to God. :)
Of course....I have not healed completely...thus my relaying a long boring sordid history here. Even though it is all in the past and just "story", as true as it may be, I felt I needed to. Why?
Accessing And Advocating Again
Because once again I am needing to advocate for my health and this time I want to do it differently. I want to learn from my mistakes. I need to let go of my past experiences and the triggers that bring me back to retraction once and for all. I can use this experience to find a way to walk through shame and fear into Love for myself, the system and all those in it, and into a wellness I need to believe I deserve! I will not retract again! It just takes too much from my life experience when I do. I want to expand through this. :)
So...
I made a second call to the breast clinic ( and it was hard to get past shame and fear to do so but I did). I spoke to a nurse ( I love nurses! And not just because I used to be one lol). I said: "I am just wondering about this test that got denied ...I still have this thickening and am now having discomfort in the area." I stressed that "it is probably just ductal ectasia" but that I want someone to tell me that. She attempted to clarify by asking if I wanted the mammogram...and for a moment I slipped back to the accusation placed upon me years ago by the internal med who diagnosed me as a test seeker...and I nearly retracted and hung up...but I didn't. I grounded myself in breath and just said "I don't care if the mammogram ever gets done...I just want someone to tell me this is just ductal ectasia." She was very kind and understanding and spoke to the surgeon who is going to make a second request for a diagnostic left breast mammogram based on my reporting a change in sensation.
This is the very same thing my GP wanted done over a month ago. Imagine...going full circle, creating a month of shame and fear for me, and extra headache for an overtaxed system when it was all so unnecessary. Someone else's ego got in the way. Whomever won't be happy when I show up for this test if I am even permitted to. I anticipate that ego will feel the sting of needing to prove it was right and in order to do so someone will have to be wronged. It will likely be me. :) I will prepare myself for that. Sigh!
A Need for Healing
Anyway...it is what it is. There is no problem...just a need for healing. The only healing that I need to focus on...is not in the health care system or the individuals who work in it...but in me. I have to begin changing my own core beliefs around so I know I have a right to use this system...to know I am worthy of medical validation and care.
I, as all of you do, have a right to wellness. That wellness is much more than just having a lump diagnosed as nothing in order to give us peace of mind. It involves expanding beyond shame and fear into the life and the Love that is waiting for us on the other side.
All is well in my world!
Just got a call as I was finishing up this entry...the test is tomorrow afternoon. :) Now I don't know if I am more worried about something showing up or not showing up after all that lol. It will be as it is.
All is well!
Wednesday, December 18, 2019
Tolerance and Forgiveness
Some people think [tolerance and forgiveness] are signs of weakness and that aggression is a sign of strength. But aggression follows from anger that, deep inside, is rooted in fear. When you have the confidence that you can deal with what ever arises, you don't get angry.
-Dalai Lama ( you know where lol)
Hmmm! I am thinking about tolerance and forgiveness right now. For more than a brief moment I was angry over my situation. I began remembering past experiences that seemed so unfair, remembering injustices and collecting grievances. I even took this grievance collecting beyond my health seeking experiences and into relationships where I remembered things to feel angry about.
Before long that anger gave away to shame ( for bothering anyone with my issues) and fear ( that I would somehow never be believed again). Anger felt a heck of a lot better, let me tell ya, because it did make me feel stronger. Now I see it was all fear based: the anger, the same and the worry.
I am not sure if I can handle this...that is the root of "the problem" my mind is creating. "Little me" feels pretty puny right now and doesn't seem to be able to hold up such a load.
That's just it though, isn't it? The amazing thing about this is ...I also know somehow...that "Little me" doesn't have to hold anything up because what "little me" is, is not who I am and what it is holding up, is not real anyway.
Say what crazy lady?
Who I really am extends beyond my roles, my thinking, this personality with a 56 year old body that has something "abnormal" appearing on it. Who I really am is much more than a mind or a problem...it is some thing ( or no-thing) that can handle anything.
This "problem" is not real either...it is just a bunch of thoughts and story around something that is appearing in the physical world. A mass shows up ( that is likely just ectasia) ...it is what it is...nothing more. What is heavy and problematic is not the reality of its existence, but the wisps of smoke thinking creates about it. Try grabbing a handful of smoke and holding it in your hand. Can you? Of course not, it isn't substantial.
If we knew that what we consider problematic was simply smoke created by our minds, would we not see that there really is no problem in this moment? We could handle anything couldn't we, if that were the case? Having confidence that we can handle anything that arises...will remove any need for fear and therefore anger, wouldn't it?
All is well.
-Dalai Lama ( you know where lol)
Hmmm! I am thinking about tolerance and forgiveness right now. For more than a brief moment I was angry over my situation. I began remembering past experiences that seemed so unfair, remembering injustices and collecting grievances. I even took this grievance collecting beyond my health seeking experiences and into relationships where I remembered things to feel angry about.
Before long that anger gave away to shame ( for bothering anyone with my issues) and fear ( that I would somehow never be believed again). Anger felt a heck of a lot better, let me tell ya, because it did make me feel stronger. Now I see it was all fear based: the anger, the same and the worry.
I am not sure if I can handle this...that is the root of "the problem" my mind is creating. "Little me" feels pretty puny right now and doesn't seem to be able to hold up such a load.
That's just it though, isn't it? The amazing thing about this is ...I also know somehow...that "Little me" doesn't have to hold anything up because what "little me" is, is not who I am and what it is holding up, is not real anyway.
Say what crazy lady?
Who I really am extends beyond my roles, my thinking, this personality with a 56 year old body that has something "abnormal" appearing on it. Who I really am is much more than a mind or a problem...it is some thing ( or no-thing) that can handle anything.
This "problem" is not real either...it is just a bunch of thoughts and story around something that is appearing in the physical world. A mass shows up ( that is likely just ectasia) ...it is what it is...nothing more. What is heavy and problematic is not the reality of its existence, but the wisps of smoke thinking creates about it. Try grabbing a handful of smoke and holding it in your hand. Can you? Of course not, it isn't substantial.
If we knew that what we consider problematic was simply smoke created by our minds, would we not see that there really is no problem in this moment? We could handle anything couldn't we, if that were the case? Having confidence that we can handle anything that arises...will remove any need for fear and therefore anger, wouldn't it?
All is well.
Tuesday, December 17, 2019
Shining the light on life circumstance
The closer you come to the foundation of the ego's thought system, the darker and more obscured becomes the way. Yet even the little spark in your mind is enough to lighten it. Bring this light fearlessly with you, and bravely hold it up to the foundation of the ego's thought system.
ACIM; Chapter 11: Intro:3:5-7
Ego ...still around
I have had a lot on my mind the last month or so. I have been able to transcend it more often than not, to disentangle myself from the situation and the thinking that surrounded it a great deal. I am so grateful for the learning that took me to the place where I could do that. For the most part, I am no longer absorbed in the dramas of my life. At the same time I know this evolving is a practice that will take a life time to perfect....if I ever get that far. Ego, even though he is riddled with cracks and holes, is still hanging around. :) I hear him chattering away in the background. What an annoying little dude.
I have yet to be able to shine the light so fully on ego that it hides away, to completely trust Life enough to fall freely into her arms. Have you?
I made a call yesterday...a simple thing to do but one I debated and debated over. I was almost sick to my stomach as I held the phone in my hand. Only because I was ashamed as health seeking tends to make me because of past experiences.
I had not heard any news about that test that I was told would be done "now". A week and a half had passed since it was ordered so I questioned if I should intervene and find out why or let it be. I swallowed my shame and intervened with a "doing". Why?
Truth is , I am still worried about this thing and had been all along.
Rational Mind Says...
Most of me truly believes it is just ductal ectasia which makes perfect sense to my rational mind. Considering my age, my menopausal status, the mastitis, the little cyst...it explains that this thickening, which is quite extensive, is likely just that.
Yet ....
I find myself several times throughout the day drawn to this mass ( it sounds so dramatic to call it a mass lol but it sounds better than thickening). I can feel it now without having to do anything...it doesn't hurt a lot but it definitely wants me to know its there. I also wake up in the middle of the night feeling it ...I reach up to see if it is gone or at least smaller...I find myself sighing out loud when I realize it is still there. I am sometimes filled with worry.
I guess, I want the conclusive diagnosis ..."just ductal ectasia" instead of "probably nothing" or "we will wait a few months and check it then". I know others are focusing on the cyst and not the thickening. That is why we had quite a difference in our size estimations...man this thing is like two inches that I am feeling (assuming it is what my GP felt too) whereas what they are seeing on ultrasound is only 1/2 inch...that is a big difference. This thing, I am feeling, isn't round and its hard. But then again that is what ductal ectasia ( clogged ducts) would feel like. Wouldn't it???
Rational mind says yes...just ductal ectasia.
Ego Mind Says...
Ego says..."Now hold on here! Don't jump to conclusions. Remember your family history...you are a very high risk. Your sister had stage four breast cancer diagnosed before the age 40, aunt died of breast cancer, cousin died of pancreatic. This could be the big "C" ...you better prepare yourself for that. And don't depend on the health care system...you know what you have been through with your heart. You can't wait 20 years for a diagnosis on this! Someone somewhere is probably already considering you "a liar", a " hypochondriac" and your findings as "insignificant" while this thing eats away at you. That is probably why you didn't get the test done. They are never going to take you seriously until you are dead!"
Man...I don't like my dramatic ego :)
Collecting Evidence that proves Ego Right
So I called and sure enough to feed my ego's need for drama and its need to be right....I was told that there was no referral. I was not surprised. I called down to the breast clinic to find out why...I wanted to hear someone say , "Because it is just ductal ectasia" but what I heard was that they were more surprised than I was. Apparently, they sent the requisition and the radiologist here...sent them back ...stating that there was no need to do another mammogram or ultrasound. This after he told me when he seen me during the ultrasound...that I would need the opinion of a surgeon, they might perform a needle biopsy in the cyst though he seen no need for that right then and that he would do another ultrasound in a couple of months.
But suddenly there was no need for further investigation? It felt like the wind was kicked out of me again. "What about this mass???" ego screamed in panic. And then a "I told you so...it is happening all over again."
It is like a self fulfilling prophecy manifests with any health seeking I do. Getting a diagnosis that puts my mind at rest is never going to be easy for me. Not only that...ego tells me I am being judged and shamed for my seeking again and again. I didn't even want to show anyone that lump for fear this would happen again . Ugh!!!!
Shining the light on ego
Deep breaths, yoga and meditation brought me back to a clearer state of mind.
I showed the lump because, just as something told me I had to make that call yesterday, the same thing told me I had to bring that lump to some one's attention. That inspired action came from something bigger and greater than my ego. I did right to listen...to get past my fear and shame...to take part in inspired action. I did no wrong in showing the lump, going for the tests and making that call yesterday. I can slip away from ego's story of this to a certain peace.
So someone is looking into it. It is out of my hands again. It feels so good to just have it out of my hands. It will turn out anyway it is suppose to. I may or may not get this test done. I may or may not get a correct diagnosis any time soon.
Regardless, I will put it all aside until I hear back from someone somewhere. Whether I hear from the voice of a health care provider or the Voice of something much more wise, does not matter. I will wait and I will do what they ask me to do then. I will handle this life circumstance by letting go. I will do nothing until I hear more direction.
All is well
ACIM; Chapter 11: Intro:3:5-7
Ego ...still around
I have had a lot on my mind the last month or so. I have been able to transcend it more often than not, to disentangle myself from the situation and the thinking that surrounded it a great deal. I am so grateful for the learning that took me to the place where I could do that. For the most part, I am no longer absorbed in the dramas of my life. At the same time I know this evolving is a practice that will take a life time to perfect....if I ever get that far. Ego, even though he is riddled with cracks and holes, is still hanging around. :) I hear him chattering away in the background. What an annoying little dude.
I have yet to be able to shine the light so fully on ego that it hides away, to completely trust Life enough to fall freely into her arms. Have you?
I made a call yesterday...a simple thing to do but one I debated and debated over. I was almost sick to my stomach as I held the phone in my hand. Only because I was ashamed as health seeking tends to make me because of past experiences.
I had not heard any news about that test that I was told would be done "now". A week and a half had passed since it was ordered so I questioned if I should intervene and find out why or let it be. I swallowed my shame and intervened with a "doing". Why?
Truth is , I am still worried about this thing and had been all along.
Rational Mind Says...
Most of me truly believes it is just ductal ectasia which makes perfect sense to my rational mind. Considering my age, my menopausal status, the mastitis, the little cyst...it explains that this thickening, which is quite extensive, is likely just that.
Yet ....
I find myself several times throughout the day drawn to this mass ( it sounds so dramatic to call it a mass lol but it sounds better than thickening). I can feel it now without having to do anything...it doesn't hurt a lot but it definitely wants me to know its there. I also wake up in the middle of the night feeling it ...I reach up to see if it is gone or at least smaller...I find myself sighing out loud when I realize it is still there. I am sometimes filled with worry.
I guess, I want the conclusive diagnosis ..."just ductal ectasia" instead of "probably nothing" or "we will wait a few months and check it then". I know others are focusing on the cyst and not the thickening. That is why we had quite a difference in our size estimations...man this thing is like two inches that I am feeling (assuming it is what my GP felt too) whereas what they are seeing on ultrasound is only 1/2 inch...that is a big difference. This thing, I am feeling, isn't round and its hard. But then again that is what ductal ectasia ( clogged ducts) would feel like. Wouldn't it???
Rational mind says yes...just ductal ectasia.
Ego Mind Says...
Ego says..."Now hold on here! Don't jump to conclusions. Remember your family history...you are a very high risk. Your sister had stage four breast cancer diagnosed before the age 40, aunt died of breast cancer, cousin died of pancreatic. This could be the big "C" ...you better prepare yourself for that. And don't depend on the health care system...you know what you have been through with your heart. You can't wait 20 years for a diagnosis on this! Someone somewhere is probably already considering you "a liar", a " hypochondriac" and your findings as "insignificant" while this thing eats away at you. That is probably why you didn't get the test done. They are never going to take you seriously until you are dead!"
Man...I don't like my dramatic ego :)
Collecting Evidence that proves Ego Right
So I called and sure enough to feed my ego's need for drama and its need to be right....I was told that there was no referral. I was not surprised. I called down to the breast clinic to find out why...I wanted to hear someone say , "Because it is just ductal ectasia" but what I heard was that they were more surprised than I was. Apparently, they sent the requisition and the radiologist here...sent them back ...stating that there was no need to do another mammogram or ultrasound. This after he told me when he seen me during the ultrasound...that I would need the opinion of a surgeon, they might perform a needle biopsy in the cyst though he seen no need for that right then and that he would do another ultrasound in a couple of months.
But suddenly there was no need for further investigation? It felt like the wind was kicked out of me again. "What about this mass???" ego screamed in panic. And then a "I told you so...it is happening all over again."
It is like a self fulfilling prophecy manifests with any health seeking I do. Getting a diagnosis that puts my mind at rest is never going to be easy for me. Not only that...ego tells me I am being judged and shamed for my seeking again and again. I didn't even want to show anyone that lump for fear this would happen again . Ugh!!!!
Shining the light on ego
Deep breaths, yoga and meditation brought me back to a clearer state of mind.
I showed the lump because, just as something told me I had to make that call yesterday, the same thing told me I had to bring that lump to some one's attention. That inspired action came from something bigger and greater than my ego. I did right to listen...to get past my fear and shame...to take part in inspired action. I did no wrong in showing the lump, going for the tests and making that call yesterday. I can slip away from ego's story of this to a certain peace.
So someone is looking into it. It is out of my hands again. It feels so good to just have it out of my hands. It will turn out anyway it is suppose to. I may or may not get this test done. I may or may not get a correct diagnosis any time soon.
Regardless, I will put it all aside until I hear back from someone somewhere. Whether I hear from the voice of a health care provider or the Voice of something much more wise, does not matter. I will wait and I will do what they ask me to do then. I will handle this life circumstance by letting go. I will do nothing until I hear more direction.
All is well
Monday, December 16, 2019
Observer Bias
Can the mind even see the mind? We have to answer yes and no. No, because the mind can't be a subject and object at the same time. The mind interferes, whether it wants to or not, whether it knows it or not, in all that it observes, and with all the more reason when it is a question of itself. But the mind cannot see itself completely.
-Dalai Lama (the calendar lol)
Observer Bias
There is a condition in the field of research called Observer Bias. In this condition the observer (the researcher or experimenter) may come into the study with preconceived ideas and assumptions about the outcome...and this expectation may lead to selective observance of data and in turn may interfere with the collection of pure untainted findings. In other words, the observer is not going to see clearly and observe objectively because their mind is in the way. Hmmm!
Now if we are going to use the mind itself to observe and understand the mind, the question arises : Can the mind even see the mind? Can we make the mind both the observer and the observed? Can it be both a subject and an object at the same time?
Why the mind can't observe itself
Dalai Lama says we can and we can't. We can't give the mind both these functions because it is bound to be overcome with observer bias. If I use my mind to understand what is going on in my mind I am going to fill my observation with loads of preconceived ideas, beliefs, assumptions which are also of the mind. My conclusions are not going to be accurate and trust worthy. The mind interferes with all it observes with our thinking and our judgments. It contaminates our research. For that reason the mind can not see the mind clearly.
Why the Mind can
On the other hand the Dalia Lama says we can use the mind to observe itself because it cannot see itself completely. It is often the conceptual mind that we tend to use in our observations in life. The conceptual mind is limited by the senses, conditioning, learning, accumulated knowledge and beliefs. For that reason the conceptual mind can really only see and understand the conceptual mind...everything else is grossly distorted because of its observer bias.
There is, however, another part of our mind, the deeper Mind, that goes beyond conceptual understanding. The deeper Mind has no observer bias when it looks at the whole of itself. It sees clearly without thought, without judgment, with out any preconceived notions. So this deeper Mind can see the conceptual part of itself whereas the conceptual mind often cannot see or understand it. If I am using my conceptual mind to observe mind...I will see little of the truth. If I use the deeper Mind to observe mind, I will see it all.
Get that? I hope so because I couldn't repeat it again without confusing myself.
It is all good.
-Dalai Lama (the calendar lol)
Observer Bias
There is a condition in the field of research called Observer Bias. In this condition the observer (the researcher or experimenter) may come into the study with preconceived ideas and assumptions about the outcome...and this expectation may lead to selective observance of data and in turn may interfere with the collection of pure untainted findings. In other words, the observer is not going to see clearly and observe objectively because their mind is in the way. Hmmm!
Now if we are going to use the mind itself to observe and understand the mind, the question arises : Can the mind even see the mind? Can we make the mind both the observer and the observed? Can it be both a subject and an object at the same time?
Why the mind can't observe itself
Dalai Lama says we can and we can't. We can't give the mind both these functions because it is bound to be overcome with observer bias. If I use my mind to understand what is going on in my mind I am going to fill my observation with loads of preconceived ideas, beliefs, assumptions which are also of the mind. My conclusions are not going to be accurate and trust worthy. The mind interferes with all it observes with our thinking and our judgments. It contaminates our research. For that reason the mind can not see the mind clearly.
Why the Mind can
On the other hand the Dalia Lama says we can use the mind to observe itself because it cannot see itself completely. It is often the conceptual mind that we tend to use in our observations in life. The conceptual mind is limited by the senses, conditioning, learning, accumulated knowledge and beliefs. For that reason the conceptual mind can really only see and understand the conceptual mind...everything else is grossly distorted because of its observer bias.
There is, however, another part of our mind, the deeper Mind, that goes beyond conceptual understanding. The deeper Mind has no observer bias when it looks at the whole of itself. It sees clearly without thought, without judgment, with out any preconceived notions. So this deeper Mind can see the conceptual part of itself whereas the conceptual mind often cannot see or understand it. If I am using my conceptual mind to observe mind...I will see little of the truth. If I use the deeper Mind to observe mind, I will see it all.
Get that? I hope so because I couldn't repeat it again without confusing myself.
It is all good.
Sunday, December 15, 2019
Ego Dressings
Ego Dressings
We are told that we are broken,
and are instructed to look away
as “wound coverings” are applied
so expertly
by Ego’s competent hands.
With what seems like loving patience,
it hides the wounds
that it, itself, has made.
Plaster and gauze
is applied
layer,
by layer,
by layer,
creating a thick
and life absorbing dressing
over who we really are.
It looks neat.
It looks secure.
It looks like it will protect,
our vulnerable flesh from
the dangerous world around us.
So we do not dare to peek at
what lay beneath,
at what we are told
by Ego’s hissing reprimands
is ugly and infected.
Yet the dressing is so tight
and restricting,
limiting our movement ,
preventing the life blood
from turning our
beings pink
with new growth,
making our bodies throb with pain,
while offering no hope of healing.
Something within tells us to
remove each layer…
though it stings to do so .
Something guides us to expose
the hidden flesh
to the air
that longs to caress it.
We gingerly push
Ego’s prying hands aside
and we remove the dressing
bit by bit,
piece by piece
until what lay
beneath can be seen,
until it can breathe,
until we can look down to see
that no wounds were ever there.
“Nothing real can be threatened.
Nothing unreal exists.
Therein lies the peace of God.”
Dale-Lyn 2018
Hmmm! I wrote that over a year ago??? I guess the learning is really sinking in for me bit by bit. I listened to Oprah Winfrey and Eckhart Tolle discuss the ego today on her super Soul Series podcast.
Tolle explains that ego is self identification with the stream of thinking. It is the mind made identity or image of ''who I am" . It is the story of 'me'.
In this poem analogy it is the dressing provider...that which creates an outside image and hides the Self within. Though it at one time played an important function in humanity's survival just as the dressing plays a temporary role in healing, we as a species are outgrowing that function. We have begun to see the dressing as our very flesh. It has therefore become toxic and destructive...allowing infection rather than healing to fester inside....It is time to remove it. And it is time to debride the mental eschar that has grown on the surface of our true selves. If we do not begin removing ego and its trappings, we will not survive...the planet will not survive.
I know that is heavy but I feel compelled to drop it here anyway. The good news is that more and more of us are waking up to this truth and are beginning the removal process. If you are reading this for more than idol curiosity or incredulity ...maybe you have begun the healing process yourself. Maybe you have begun removing ego from your life layer by layer.
All is well
ACIM...introduction
Eckhart Tolle & Oprah Winfrey ( ?) The Best Eckhart Tolle Talk...Power of Now, New Earth. Oprah's Soul Series XM. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VvBzsUesQ68
Saturday, December 14, 2019
Removing the layers of unhealthy "me"
It is the false shame of fools to try to conceal wounds that have not healed.
Horace ( https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/wounds-quotes)
Are you hiding your wounds?
I have been a fool for many decades hiding my wounds behind heavy layers of super absorbent dressings. I actually avoided the healing process cuz I thought it would hurt! I was right...it does! I removed my dressing and my healing is still taking place. I say "ouch" more times that not.
Debridement
Hmmm! Healing is a multi faceted process where we debride one layer of damaged tissue at a time to get to the pink healthy granulating tissue beneath. I have pulled off many layers already and many layers have been pulled off of me by circumstance, not always gently. :) Still I have done much, much healing over the years . I keep thinking as each top surface is pulled off...okay this has to be the last layer and I am constantly surprised to find that there is still some areas to be removed. I still can only see bits and pieces of the healthy me. It is definitely a process to get to the real me because I have some pretty deep wounds.
Just like the body will do with a deep ulcerating wound, the mind does with our emotional ones. It wants to fill them in and cover them up in a sick attempt to protect us from further pain. Unfortunately the layers it covers it up with are heavy, thick and unhealthy...not allowing the light and air to get to the inner layers. Pink healthy tissue can not flourish under such oppression.
This pink tissue I am looking for is who I really am...it is where all of life's source of nutrients can be found to flow freely. It is a bit painful to get there but once everything is removed that prevents Life's vitalizing energy to flow freely...this healthy, unencumbered, layer of me will be free. I will see it clearly. I will experience it freely.
That debridement takes time and effort, I am afraid. The deeper the wound, the more layers of unhealthy tissue is created in a pseudo attempt to cover up the broken flesh. Unhealthy tissue is often thick and stubborn. :)
Man why am I using nursing analogies when I can no longer call myself a nurse and when wound care was never really my thing when I was a nurse? :) Still it keeps coming to mind whenever I think of my own healing. I wrote a poem about that once. I wonder if I can find it?
What led me on this debridement journey in the first place? What stopped me from putting layer and layer of dressings over the wounds to hide them from myself and others? What led me to begin picking at them layer by layer? What encouraged me to sit back and allow life to do the same.? A dressing would have protected me some from this discomfort...why did I not just let things continue the way they were?
I was ready: Suffering and Faith
I was ready for true healing rather than a cover up approach. Suffering...the pain of an infected wound coupled by the pain of what life was doing to remove the layers, led me to want real healing once and for all. I knew that real healing would not begin if I still covered everything up in fear that life would cause more pain. I had to remove all the surface layers I was hiding under once and for all. Life obligingly helped me to do that too. something very powerful within me told me that I had to expose the wounds and realize that under them and flowing to them was all I ever needed for healing. Hmmm!
What lead me to my own debridement was a certain Faith. I had faith, a faith that led me inward rather than outward. With every tiny bit of pink tissue I exposed, the more the trust grew within me. So I was able to withstand the sting of another layer being pulled off, trusting that it would reveal something healthy and real. Each and every time, a little more presence would emerge. I got glimpses of that Life energy within me. I knew I was healing. I am now committed to that process of healing.
What about you?
Is your real Self covered up by layers of unhealthy tissue? Do you have wounds that need debridement? I am going to encourage you to remove the outer dressing and begin the process. I am not going to tell you it won't sting. it will, but I have a feeling that you are going to feel better and better with each layer of unhealthy you, you take away.
Inspired by:
Eckhart Tolle (2019) It's easy, Keep your vibrations high. (can't find url when I go back?)
Suffering can lead to a motivation to go deeper. I am grateful for it and appreciate every bit of pink tissue I am able to now see because of it.
All is well.
Horace ( https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/wounds-quotes)
Are you hiding your wounds?
I have been a fool for many decades hiding my wounds behind heavy layers of super absorbent dressings. I actually avoided the healing process cuz I thought it would hurt! I was right...it does! I removed my dressing and my healing is still taking place. I say "ouch" more times that not.
Debridement
Hmmm! Healing is a multi faceted process where we debride one layer of damaged tissue at a time to get to the pink healthy granulating tissue beneath. I have pulled off many layers already and many layers have been pulled off of me by circumstance, not always gently. :) Still I have done much, much healing over the years . I keep thinking as each top surface is pulled off...okay this has to be the last layer and I am constantly surprised to find that there is still some areas to be removed. I still can only see bits and pieces of the healthy me. It is definitely a process to get to the real me because I have some pretty deep wounds.
Just like the body will do with a deep ulcerating wound, the mind does with our emotional ones. It wants to fill them in and cover them up in a sick attempt to protect us from further pain. Unfortunately the layers it covers it up with are heavy, thick and unhealthy...not allowing the light and air to get to the inner layers. Pink healthy tissue can not flourish under such oppression.
This pink tissue I am looking for is who I really am...it is where all of life's source of nutrients can be found to flow freely. It is a bit painful to get there but once everything is removed that prevents Life's vitalizing energy to flow freely...this healthy, unencumbered, layer of me will be free. I will see it clearly. I will experience it freely.
That debridement takes time and effort, I am afraid. The deeper the wound, the more layers of unhealthy tissue is created in a pseudo attempt to cover up the broken flesh. Unhealthy tissue is often thick and stubborn. :)
Man why am I using nursing analogies when I can no longer call myself a nurse and when wound care was never really my thing when I was a nurse? :) Still it keeps coming to mind whenever I think of my own healing. I wrote a poem about that once. I wonder if I can find it?
What led me on this debridement journey in the first place? What stopped me from putting layer and layer of dressings over the wounds to hide them from myself and others? What led me to begin picking at them layer by layer? What encouraged me to sit back and allow life to do the same.? A dressing would have protected me some from this discomfort...why did I not just let things continue the way they were?
I was ready: Suffering and Faith
I was ready for true healing rather than a cover up approach. Suffering...the pain of an infected wound coupled by the pain of what life was doing to remove the layers, led me to want real healing once and for all. I knew that real healing would not begin if I still covered everything up in fear that life would cause more pain. I had to remove all the surface layers I was hiding under once and for all. Life obligingly helped me to do that too. something very powerful within me told me that I had to expose the wounds and realize that under them and flowing to them was all I ever needed for healing. Hmmm!
What lead me to my own debridement was a certain Faith. I had faith, a faith that led me inward rather than outward. With every tiny bit of pink tissue I exposed, the more the trust grew within me. So I was able to withstand the sting of another layer being pulled off, trusting that it would reveal something healthy and real. Each and every time, a little more presence would emerge. I got glimpses of that Life energy within me. I knew I was healing. I am now committed to that process of healing.
What about you?
Is your real Self covered up by layers of unhealthy tissue? Do you have wounds that need debridement? I am going to encourage you to remove the outer dressing and begin the process. I am not going to tell you it won't sting. it will, but I have a feeling that you are going to feel better and better with each layer of unhealthy you, you take away.
Inspired by:
Eckhart Tolle (2019) It's easy, Keep your vibrations high. (can't find url when I go back?)
Suffering can lead to a motivation to go deeper. I am grateful for it and appreciate every bit of pink tissue I am able to now see because of it.
All is well.
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