Tolerance and Forgiveness

Some people think [tolerance and forgiveness] are signs of weakness and that aggression is a sign of strength.  But aggression follows from anger that, deep inside, is rooted in fear.  When you have the confidence that you can deal with what ever arises, you don't get angry.
-Dalai Lama ( you know where lol)

Hmmm!  I am thinking about tolerance and forgiveness right now.  For more than  a brief moment I was angry over my situation.  I began remembering past experiences that seemed so unfair, remembering injustices and collecting grievances.  I even took this grievance collecting beyond my health seeking experiences and into relationships where I   remembered things to feel angry about. 

Before long that anger gave away to shame ( for bothering anyone with my issues)  and fear ( that I would somehow never be believed again). Anger felt  a heck of a lot better, let me tell ya,  because it did make me feel stronger. Now I see it was all fear based: the anger, the same and the worry.

I am not sure if I can handle this...that is the root of  "the problem" my mind is creating.  "Little me" feels pretty puny right now and doesn't seem to be able to hold up such a load. 

That's just it though, isn't it?  The amazing thing about this is ...I also know somehow...that "Little me" doesn't have to hold anything up because what "little me"  is, is not who I am and what it is holding up, is not real anyway.

Say what crazy lady?

Who I really am extends beyond my roles, my thinking,  this personality with a 56 year old body that has something "abnormal" appearing on it. Who I really am is much more than a mind or a problem...it is some thing ( or no-thing)  that can handle anything.

This "problem" is not real either...it is just a bunch of thoughts and story around something that is appearing in the physical  world.  A mass shows up ( that is likely just ectasia) ...it is what it is...nothing more.  What is heavy and problematic is not the  reality of its existence, but  the wisps of smoke thinking creates about it. Try grabbing a handful of smoke and holding it in your hand.  Can you?  Of course not, it isn't substantial.

If we knew that what we consider problematic was simply smoke created by our minds, would we not see that there really is no problem in this moment?  We could handle anything couldn't we, if that were the case? Having confidence that we can handle anything that arises...will remove any need for fear and therefore anger, wouldn't it?

All is well.