Waiting and Patience

Our patience will achieve more than our force.
-Edmund Burke (https://www.brainyquote.com/lists/topics/top-10-patience-quotes) 

Waiting

I am waiting on one more test...one that was going to be ordered to be done "now" and I am really not sure what this surgeon's interpretation of "now" is. Now to me means "same day" but to others it might mean in the next couple of weeks.  Sigh! I want closure...I want to put this aside once and for all.  I want someone to tell me what this mass is...a mass that is not showing up conclusively on the ultra sound and that I doubt if some even feel.  I wasn't worried about it...because my intent all along was to give it 30 days after the infection to see if it was still there.  I knew I probably had it assessed too early and that may have led to an exaggeration of it.(Felt larger because of the inflammation).   That is why I was going to give it 30 days.


Worried

Once the inflammation began to go it appeared and felt  differently but now I sadly know...it is still there.  There is something there beyond the tiny cyst the ultrasound is picking up.  It might be no more than scar tissue from ductal atresia.  That's great...I just want to hear someone say that "It is definitely just scar tissue and  nothing to worry about." And I am also getting some discomfort in the area lately that I didn't have before...I want someone to tell me..."It is just menopausal  hormonal fluctuations causing the discomfort.  All just coincidence. "  Great...I would walk away and never think of it again. But  I have a hard time pushing this aside now without definite closure.  My mind wants and demands closure.  I don't find peace with "Probably nothing. " Sigh

Resisting What Is

But again...this is all just  resistance to what is.  What is...is this presumption that it is probably nothing.  What is...is this abnormal mass that may or may not be nothing.  What is...is the circumstances that led me to this point of pondering:  my family history, my personal history, the infection, my feeling the mass, my GP feeling the mass, the cyst that shows up on ultrasound( which seems to be what others stop at and which by the way I never felt), other differentiated opinion(some concerned, some aren't), what shows up or doesn't show up on examination and testing.  So many circumstantial things come into play.  This is what is in the foreground of my life.

The Problem is the Mind

Ugh!  But the most important factor that brought me here to this point of frustration and worry is my mind...what my mind is doing with this "stuff".    It is clinging...trying to analyze, problem solve, fix in the way it is used to doing. It is trying to put puzzle pieces together without all the pieces on the table so it creates a distorted image.  It infers and makes assumptions. It is chattering away with , "What if...", "It is all happening again.  You will never get a diagnosis..."  and, "you got to do something." It almost  wants to focus on this so it doesn't have to focus on other somewhat draining  things in my life. This "new drama" trumps all the other stressors my mind feels it has to deal with.  Wow!

My mind is the issue not the breast or the circumstances.  My mind is the problem.


Letting Go for Peace of Mind

I need to let go of this with or without definite validation from others.  I had the hardest time doing that with my other health issues and it nearly drove me over the deep end. I won't do that here.  I am aware of what is and I am also aware there is a lot I don't know.  That is okay.  In the physical sense, I have done my part.  I went and showed the mass to someone.  I went for the tests.  I went for the consults.  I must let go of the physical part of this to the professionals. This is not history repeating itself anywhere but in my mind. I can wait patiently.

Most importantly, I can let go to a higher power.  I can let go to God. This isn't about "me'' anyway.  I have to keep reminding myself of that.  Whatever is or isn't manifesting in my body is just Life doing Life.  I give this up to that which will handle it with ease....that to which it belongs.  I trust that Life knows what it is doing and it will do so with or without my consent.  I might as well consent. I do not have to do anything else until I am inspired to do something.  For now, it is all good.

Wow!  I find so much peace in that.

All is well.