I wondered how many people there were in the world who suffered, and continued to suffer, because they could not break out from their own web of silence and reserve, and in their blindness and their folly built up a great distorted wall in front of them that hid the truth.
Daphne du Maurier, Rebecca (http://www.myawesomequotes.com/quotes-about-being-socially-awkward/)
Social Awkwardness
I have spent most of my life experiencing 'awkwardness' in social situations. I have learned to stand up in front of hundreds of people and deliver without a quiver in my voice...but if I "have-to" ( unhealthy phrasing, I know lol) get dressed up and go mingle in a crowd...I feel awkward. Big time! (My mind wants to say: "I am awkward" but that is not correct I know!).
Ego steps in with a vengeance at those times to pay be back for all the times I spent dishing it lol and I lose that sense of Self. It habitually gets covered over by a neurotic "little me"...that fears it won't be received well or will say or do something "stupid"....that it will be rejected and pushed aside. I am not my Self in many social situations.
I can psychologically trace back to "why" I experience this but that is a part of my past. I don't want it to define me or excuse me forever. I just like to be aware of it, notice it and watch this "awkward little me" come up.
Watching it Go Down
As uncomfortable as it is at the time, it is just amazing to watch this happening to me. All the recovery and healing work I have done over the years, all the evolving and true confidence I have gained...will give the lime light to this awkwardness of ego, for some reason...when I am in a social situation.
Even though I was excited about seeing a dear old friend again after years, I wanted to avoid the get together last night. I wanted to avoid that discomfort and that part of myself I really don't like. I would like to stay away from any uncomfortable need to create appearances but such things don't make that possible.
Putting on an Acceptable Costume
I was in a semi panic trying to find something half decent to wear ( I have very little dress clothes these days as I am no longer teaching...gave most of them away) and I have not the money to buy a lot of clothes...(last thing in the world I would think to spend my money on). I did, however, have a gift card from Winner's so I used it in a very quick shopping trip to find something reasonably okay for such a thing. Of course, though I liked it when I bought it...my neurotic little ego had something to say about it when I was getting ready yesterday. Shoes were a big problem. I bought a pair of pumps years ago when I was having the pedal edema and now that that is seldom an issue, they were too big when I tried them on...but they were the only things that worked with the outfit. So I ended up wearing them with an outfit that may have been too out of season and too young for someone my age. I not only felt feel uncomfortable with my appearance...I literally couldn't walk lol. And it was so obvious.
Anyway, as I observed myself staggering and tottering in my high heels, stammering and speaking a bit too loudly, looking away from the eyes of others and straining to smile in this tight awkward way I adopted...I just watched and found myself saying "Wow! Look at this awkward little me take over. Hmmm! It is quite something to know that this part of me is still around after all these years, all the Self discovery work I have done...that it has the ability to step in so obviously and take me from my center...is quite amazing. Really!"
Observing
Normally I would go home after such an event and cringe about how awkward I was and even ask forgiveness from someone or something out there for my social ineptness...but this time ...after a few quiet reconnecting to Self moments...I just thought: "Cool! I have to look into this to determine why that 'shame' is still there." And I will
Besides I don't think I am the only person who feels uncomfortable or somewhat awkward in social situations. It is after all ego's playground, is it not? Where there is ego there will be a disconnection from Self...and that is where the awkwardness stems from. Imagine what a social gathering would be like if everyone in the room was operating from the true Self without any need to people please, put on appearances or come off a certain way. Imagine if no one felt any social anxiety or fear and shame in any of its forms. That would be one cool party, wouldn't it?
I find that interesting. I will look into it further.
It is all good
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