Sunday, April 30, 2017

More on Being Humble

If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise or disgrace, because you know what you are.
Mother Teresa

Isn't that beautiful? That is what I want.  I want to know what I am.  I want to be above the need for praise and beyond the fear of disgrace.  How wonderful that would be to live our lives that way...humble to the core. I am beginning to see my goof ups and embarrassing moments, my rejections, and my mistakes in a totally different light now.  They touch me less; they define me not.  I may never be a "great" writer, a "great" photographer, a "great" thinker, teacher, parent, or person in the eyes of others or myself.  That is okay.  I will still write, photograph, think, teach, parent and be for the sheer joy of it and with the hope that what I offer will benefit someone somewhere someday.

We are not as we appear to others in our glory or in our shame. We are much more than that.  We are all much more than that. Maybe I am finally getting it.  Do you think?  :)

It is all good.

Being humble means recognizing that we are not on earth to see how important we can become, but to see how much difference we can make in the lives of others.
Gordon B. Hinckley


Saturday, April 29, 2017

Be Still and Know...
Psalms 46:10

Okay...I got up lol...just in case you are wondering,
I am literally stuck right now.  The back is so gone...lol...I keep getting stuck in my chair which I am right now.   I can not push down on the chair arms or the desk to pull myself up...causes too much pain. I have to wait for my daughter to get up to pull me straight up from it. For now...I am stuck.  I want to say, "Why?  Why?  Why?" like a victim.  I stop myself and say it with a more curious inflection in my head.  "Why?"   "Why am I unable to move...unable to "do" even the small bit I was able to do before the back went out again.  Why am I so immobilized right now?   Does someone or something out there or in here want me "still"?  What comes to mind as I write this is:  "Be still and Know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10)  Okay...I think God and I have to have a little chat.

All is well in my chair bound world.

On Making Mistakes...Grammatical and Otherwise

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw

We all Make Mistakes

I spent my life making mistakes, let me tell ya.  Big ones, small ones, medium sized ones...any sized ones.  I made and make mistakes.  I had a very, very honorable life to date. lol

A Tiny Mistake; Many Tiny Mistakes

One little chronic mistake was brought to my attention yesterday. It was just a trivial spelling error but once I realized it, I was floored as if I committed some major crime.  For as long as I can remember I spelled Author..."Authour".  I would ignore the spell check and continue with what I was so sure was the right Canadian spelling of the word.  I am not sure why I had that particular conviction in my head but it was ingrained in there. 

Every time the red line would flash and I would check for the computer's spelling of the word...I would tell myself, "That is the American spelling.  I am determined to spell it like a Canadian."  And I would keep that "u" so proudly in there.  I used my version of the spelling on everything I wrote and in any way I could.  I sent that word to publishers and agents ...to students and readers.  I was arrogantly convinced and felt no need to question. 

Then yesterday, I seen the word spelled "Author" in a Canadian text...and it was like, "What?  The editors  are succumbing to spell check too?"  I had to investigate farther... to look it up to be sure.  Everywhere I looked it was spelled "Author".  Then it dawned on me... of course it is Author...not authour because it is not doctour or actour. The suffix used to define a person's role   is "or" not "our".   Ouch!

Then I thought of all the grammar mistakes I made over the years on essays, submissions and even on publications.  I wrote  as a columnist for a paper once ...and the editor requested I send in the original piece.  He never edited my work.  Every spelling and grammatical error a person could make when they are writing off the cuff was  exposed across the paper every week.  I had people from the community calling me up to give me grammar lessons. It was humiliating. 

That is how my writing is remembered by some.  One individual let it slip that he and his family looked forward to reading my articles each Sunday.   It was a fun way to sit with the fam and count all the mistakes I made.  What a blow to the writer ego in me, that was to hear that.  Man...that is not what writing is intended for lol.  So my misspelling of the word "Author" brought that to mind...and with it, more than a little humiliation.

Humbling

The humiliation eventually settled in to a feeling of being humbled.  Humble is a wonderful place to be for learning to take place.  So I will learn from this. I will never spell that word incorrectly again. I will be much more mindful of grammar and spelling.    I will appreciate the tools on this computer that help me to write better English and I will try to be more humble in my writing adventures as well as in my life!

What is the moral of this story?

I have learned a lot from my mistakes...and not just the grammar and spelling ones I have made over the years...all mistakes. We all make mistakes.  Even the people who found enjoyment exploiting or picking out mine, make mistakes. It is human to error. 

It is honorable to error. It is honorable because it is humbling...mistakes offer an opportunity or a way of stripping back layers of ego to get to who we really are.  All that arrogant, "Look at me and how perfect I am in what I can do, what I have, and  the success I achieved" stuff, is not who we are.  We are perfect beings under imperfect personas that make mistakes.  Mistakes put holes in our perfect personas so the real us can shine through. Humility is not a diminishing quality ...it is one that expands.  Once we accept humble we can learn and we can grow.

So I made mistakes in my writing and in my life. At least I stuck my neck out there and I wrote like my heart so wanted me to do.  I put myself on the line, left my imperfect mistake bound person open for criticism...in order to follow my bliss. I continued to write, continued to make even more mistakes and grow.  I didn't spend my life doing nothing.  I was an "Authour" and an "Author." lol  How many people can claim that distinction?


All is well in my world.

Friday, April 28, 2017

Parental Guilt


Guilt is to the spirit what pain is to the body.
David Bednar

Raining again the way it should be in April...warm, cleansing and somehow soothing.  I am finding some comfort in the rain.  (My appreciation of the rain  might have a little to do with the fact that rain means I can't do yard work outside...which is timely being that I can't bend down  at the present moment lol...eases some of the guilt.) 

Parental Guilt

My guilt, I am realizing comes from my challenges caring for others.  I realized that the other day.  I am not grocery shopping the way I would like to...cleaning or cooking for them.  I am not looking after the pets the way I would like to...my poor old dog needs her nails clipped but in her crankiness she will bite if you touch her paws so they are getting really, really long .  Every time I look down at her feet...I feel guilty. 

I am not disciplining or guiding the way I want to as a parent...letting homework go or my daughter to stay home when I know she is tired not sick. I do not motivate and inspire with pep and energy like I used to in hard times.  How can I get my girl to be more physically active when I can barely get off the couch some days?  There is my son...another matter all together...and because he is downstairs and I avoid those stairs as much as possible...we seem to be cut off form each other for the most part.  I need to get down there to clean and observe what is really going on.

The yard is a mine field of garbage, broken things and dog poop lol.  I feel guilty that I am not cleaning it.  The inside of my car needs to be vacuumed...I keep telling myself...when I feel better...when I am less tired...on a good day....I will do it all then.  (I mean they are all good days...I should say days when I have more energy...but those days never seem to come.) The less I deal with everything the more things pile up or get bigger.  So I feel guilty...that is the emotion that I experience when I stop to feel...guilt. 

What is a step up from guilt? 

Blame...lol...skip to blame ...I try to say to myself: I am so angry for others putting me in this situation .  My problem is ...I can't seem to stay in blame...or anger...I believe I am so responsible for my life...I feel so accountable for everything that goes on in my life because I see it as a vibration of what is going on within me...thinking that I cannot stay in blame.  Part of me has stopped pushing forward.  I am stuck.  According to an article in Chakra Anatomy the second chakra (pelvic and lower back) is the source of guilt.  Go figure!

Anyway...I will figure it all out...or it will figure itself out.  All is well in my little world.

Thursday, April 27, 2017


Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain.
unknown

It is all  good.  I am managing the pain and as I do I feel more connected to something greater than my little experience in my little world. :) I even got my income tax done yesterday lol.  I can not sit for long but I managed to sit long enough for a couple of sessions at a time and I got it done.  Simple accomplishment ...no pressure.  Life is sweet.

All is well in my world!

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Dialogue With the Body

In most cases learning something essential in life requires physical pain.
Haruki Murakami (Japanese writer)

The Message of Pain

I am learning something essential.  We all experience physical pain from time to time. Physical pain stills us and makes us listen.  We can gain valuable insight and knowledge from it  if we take the time to get beyond the discomfort to the lesson.

 My body seems a little desperate to get my attention lately.  It gets it through chest pain, pelvic pain and now my musculoskeletal system is joining in.  I got up from a crossed legged meditation yesterday and the back was gone.  I hurt my back in an emergency patient transfer way back in 1986 when I worked out west.  Was off work for one and half days with it ( if that).  Seen a doctor for a 5 minute visit a week later...he prescribed  Flexeril which I didn't take.  Never had an Xray or mentioned it to another doctor since but the effects of that injury never went away.

It goes out on me...I don't know how to describe it..."kinks up"  "Spasms" "prevents me from standing up or straightening up"  ..."causes pain that makes even putting my weight down on the floor excruciating"...it does this ...whatever this is...once or twice a year.  There were times I was literally unable to walk to the bathroom and had to be carried during these bouts.  Pretty!! lol 

But because it only goes out a couple of times a year I totally forget about it in between the bouts.   Yoga, I believe was my saving grace. I also used chiropractic from time to time with some benefit. Since I am not able to do my yoga regularly because of the crazy heart symptoms...the back isn't getting the stretching it needs.

So yesterday on top of the pelvic pain that was thankfully milder than it was the day before and the post work day cardiac symptoms I always get... I got the back pain.  I reached down at one point of the evening...all tensed up... to get something off the floor and I  pulled my shoulder.  There was a very sharp and intense pain there for a few minutes and that got aggravated for the rest of the night. 

If that wasn't enough, while I was sitting on the couch watching TV in an awkward position (my couch is not meant for bad backs or shoulders) ,  I started getting these awful Charlie horses in my feet...the kind that make your toes fan apart and you scream, jump up   and stamp imaginary fires out on the floor in an attempt to get rid of them. 

They went from one foot to the other for about an hour. Well of course every time I jumped up ...forgetting about my back and shoulder...I intensified those two other experiences and gave myself palpitations to boot. It was like: Really???  Could you be a little more subtle in your calling out to me?  You do not have to yell body!!!  I am becoming more aware!!I probably would have heard you without all this crap!  You could have just whispered that there was something you wanted me to hear." lol

Indulge me.  I am going to take it a part to examine the message each symptom might have to say in a more holistic way.  Let's go back and use the chakra's as a guide to understanding the lessons the pain might be teaching me.

The Chakra's
 
What are chakras? 

According to the ancient teachings of Yoga  and Ayurveda we have seven circulating wheels of energy that travel up the spine.  Each chakra has a name and colour and affects more than just the spine or physical body.  This spiral of energy houses the Prana or vital life force that resides within us all. It is believed that everything is energy and if energy is blocked anywhere along the chakras the person will have some type of emotional or life energy block as well. Healing is carried beyond the limitations of the physical body.
 
I won't list all them  but will supply the reference which can explain more to you. Whether you see this as "woo-woo nonsense" or not...have  a look before you dismiss the possibility of some truths hidden within these teachings.

Messages from The Lower Chakras
 
Let's start with the lowest affected chakra in me. The lower back and the pelvic region belong to the second chakra which is believed to be responsible for creative expression .  So here I am with a lot of screaming and complaining going on down there.  Could it be that I am not being creative enough?  Not writing enough?  I have been so busy submitting...that I have not put much into writing the two new books I lined up.  I know in my heart it is not about the publishing or making money...it is about the writing.  I need  to put more energy into creating than I do into selling my work.  :) Keep it pure!
 
I have been told that my shoulder and back will act up when I am not using my core muscles correctly...when they get weak and lazy.  So the core muscles are situated in the third chakra...the center of personal power.  Wow!  Weak in the power department means a feeling of powerless ness.  I do feel powerless to the events of my life lately...to my health condition, the financial situation, getting people to believe me and support me.  I can see that applying pretty nicely.  Maybe my body is telling me through pain in shoulder and back the same thing my physiotherapist is telling me...I need to build up my own power muscles if I want to be free of pain for good.  Cool.


Messages from The Heart Chakra

 
Now...this is really cool...the forth chakra is considered the bridge between matter and spirit.  That is where the heart resides...any respiratory or cardiac conditions would be due, according to these ancient teachings, to blocked energy that prevents us from reaching spiritual balance .  Here I am so caught up in awakening from and transcending a life dominated by ego and the world of matter to the spiritual.  Does it not make sense, then,  to have  a physical cardiac condition? 

Something is preventing the awakening.  I need to find out what that is. The heart chakra is also responsible for love and connection.  Is it a lack of self love that is preventing me from going forward into receiving the spiritual blessings all around me?  Do I feel disconnected from society and others because of my present situation?  I would have to answer yes to both.

Messages from The Third Eye
 
Then there is the sixth chakra which sits between the eyebrows.  A blockage here could affect my physical vision ( which I am having a heck of a time with lately) but also my intuition. My inability to see clearly and to have distortions in vision are telling me that I am not heeding my intuition enough which I definitely want to do.
 
Wow!  Pretty interesting isn't it?  Worth looking a little more into.

So much to learn from pain, the chakras and the body
 
So despite the pain I feel a bit of a thrill in thinking that there is more to it than the obvious.  There is a challenging lesson waiting to be understood through physical discomfort.  I can't say I like pain...but...I do love a good learning challenge!
 
All is well in my world.
 
Fondin, F. (n.d.) What is a Chakra? from The Chopra Center.  Retrieved from http://www.chopra.com/articles/what-is-a-chakra#sm.00019gtg1loafdrzv9s1doa39szzf




Tuesday, April 25, 2017


When you see how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky.
Buddha

Mindfully Washing the Dishes

When your mind is clear, empty of memories and knowledge, things are seen exactly as they are.
Patanjali

Stepping Away from Active Thinking and  Resisting

Yesterday  was a bit of a rough day but only because I couldn't get my mind past the fog, the pain and the to do list that was engraved in my head.  I had so much to do to prepare for my first class today and despite how I felt physically  I got that done.

My moment of transition yesterday from a state of active thinking and resisting came when I was washing the dishes.  I was standing over the sink  thinking about how rotten I felt and I picked up a bowl from the bubbly water.  It was smooth in my hand and I suddenly remembered a saying from the translation of Patanjali I have about washing dishes...The translating  author suggested treating  each dish as if it felt our touch; he instructed that we should be gentle and careful like we were bathing a baby. If the dishes clang, clash or bang during the process, be mindful, we  are making them cry.

A Sacred Experience

Even washing the dishes can be a sacred holy thing.  So I became very mindful. I just felt the warm round surface of the bowl as the bubbles dripped from it.  I breathed in the scent of Palmolive which was so familiar and soothing to my senses.  I let my hands hold on to each fork and spoon in the sink before I lifted them up to be washed...one at a time, gently and in no hurry. I leaned into the cupboard, relaxing my body,  and looked out at the spring light filling my back yard.  I was not focusing on "getting it done" but on being in that moment.  It was really quite lovely.  :)  (Imagine that coming from someone who hates housework as much as I do lol)

It inspired me to get dressed...I was in my PJ's and playing the "sick role" all day.  And I went for a walk.  I didn't get far before the chest pain hit but at least I went...I tried...I got out there.  I stopped resisting life which I thought I had to do because I was feeling so miserable and had so much "work" to do.  I lived a bit.
    
This morning...I woke up to glorious light, a choir of robins outside my window and a body that is relatively pain free.  Yeah!!  Slept through the night.  I am so very grateful for that.

All is well in my world!

Monday, April 24, 2017

Take time to deliberate, but when the time for action has arrived, stop thinking and go in.
Napoleon Bonaparte

I believe it is more important to Be than it  is to Act

To get to that level of spacious being we may have to begin with thought...more precisely, the retraining of the mind and the learning to shut it off. 

I have spent a lot of time in deliberation and now I believe it may be time to act.  I have accepted but I have not surrendered.  

Maybe I have to act on this pain...seek out confirmation and better pain management. 

Maybe I have to act on the swelling and submit to a diuretic. 

Maybe I have to act on my situation: financial, household maintenance etc by  admitting defeat. 

Maybe I need to  admit that I am not happy with the way it is and seek help outside myself to make it better. 

Maybe I need to act on the reality of my external life and the effect it must have on my psyche...and  talk to some professional  about it. 

Maybe I need to go in! The first step to going in  is coming up with a plan for deliberate action...I do that by stopping thinking and allowing the answers to come. 

What???? 

You see.... the answers as to what one has to do is not necessarily going to come in "thought form".  We may not hear words and clear directions coming to us:  "You have to do this...you have to go there..." 

Our inspiration and motivation for certain action  will often come from a space beyond the  mind and the knowing we get, we may never be able to describe in words. 

We accept, we allow and then we act. 

Where does one draw the line between accepting, allowing and acting? I will need to use the mind to think about that and write about those "thoughts"  at another time. lol.   For now I stop thinking and go in.

All is well in my world.

Pain


The only antidote to mental suffering is physical pain.
Karl Marx

Pain

The pain is back. 

Three months without pelvic pain and it started creeping back into my life on Friday....full blown yesterday, knocking the wind out of me and waking me up several times during the night last night  so I am walking the floors again.

 I thought I was done.  I thought I was making the grand transition.  I wanted to be free so I pretended the pain was not there as best I could. I wanted menopause so badly because I wanted there to be no more endometriosis pain or worry over it. 

Not to be.  The pain is here and there is not much I can do about it but accept it while I manage it the best way I can. 

Getting Beyond the Fear

The worry, however, I can do something about. The worry gets me no where but down.  This has to be what I thought it was from the beginning...it comes at certain times and it leaves at certain times.  I know this pain...I have lived with it for so many years. The only difference is the extra pain on the left side.  I can explain that in my head by saying that it is likely endometriosis adhesions on the left ovary.  That makes sense to me.

So why am I worried?  Why do I resist it so? I do not like what the pain does to the rest of me.  It completely exhausts me....I had to sleep for four hours yesterday.  I can't do anything.  And I get more chest pain, SOB, dizziness around the time I have this.  For the last 5 mornings I have been waking up with my eyes swollen because I am retaining so much fluid. 

It is what it is

I want to resist this and say things to myself like: this isn't happening, this shouldn't be happening but it is. It is what it is and will be what it will be. I have gotten through many, many bouts of this and  I will get through this one.

An antidote

If I step back and look at it and me with it, the question arises: Why did I bring this into my life and what am I to learn?  What is it asking of me?  Maybe Marx was right....maybe physical pain comes to make us forget our mental suffering.  What mental situations am I avoiding with physical pain? I need some time to sit still with those questions and figure that out...the only problem is that with this much pain it isn't always easy to sit still for long.

Oh the drama of my life.  :)

Sunday, April 23, 2017

The "Craziness" of Waking Up

All humanity could share a common insanity and be immersed in a common illusion while living in a common chaos. That can't be disproved, but we have no choice but to follow our senses.
Isaac Asimov (20th century biochemist and science fiction writer)

Judging spirituality as woo-woo Nonsense or mental illness?

I have often said that I know what I write about here will not appeal to many.  Some would judge it as "woo-woo nonsense" and me as a "nutcase" or  use some other stigma-producing and less than politically correct adjective to describe those who suffer from  mental illness with.

What a Professional Might See

I am sure a psychiatrist (if he wasn't Jungian lol) would read my entries with a bit of concern. 

My reference to the ego and the observer as separate contrary minded parts that exists within me could make it appear that I am disassociating (which occurs with "spilt personalities") and separating myself from my personality and body ( ego) could appear that I am depersonalizing (which is seen in affective disorders and in psychosis). 

Yeah...there may be concern.

 My attempts to emotionally get beyond the situations that life presents may be viewed as reliance on the unhealthy defense mechanisms of  denial, suppression and repression. 

My reference to the spiritual truth and "who we really are" may be viewed as delusion and religious preoccupation ( even though  no actual religion preference  is referred to).

A psychiatrist may be concerned by  my writing. It is true...others may see me as crazier than a bag of hammers.  I can live with that lol.

The Truth

Truth is, I do not think I have ever been healthier mentally or emotionally, only because I am rediscovering the inflexible and constant  health of spirit.

 By going beyond mind, emotion and  body to that space...everything finds its rightful place. 

How I appear on the outside means less and less to me.  How I am on the inside, means everything.

So though my waking up may seem to others as a step toward mental illness ... to me... it is a giant leap toward healing and recovery, both the personal and the universal kind.  Hmmm! 
It is all so very good.

All is well in my world.

Saturday, April 22, 2017


Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were to go through our life without any obstacles, we would be crippled. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Give every opportunity a chance, leave no room for regrets.
Friedrich Nietzsche

It is usually in the night where the mind ego is most active. 

I dream of things that can bring me down and I wake up thinking of them.  Things that I am able to ignore  during the day demand to be seen at night.  Is that not strange?

I can ignore the stressors to some extent when I am awake...I walk around with my eyes wide open but blind...otherwise I would go crazy in my attempt to put out or prevent one fire after the other as they appear. 

Take this house, for example...a minor inability to keep it up to par in maintenance and cleanliness because of my health has turned it into a rectangular culture medium that would make Kim and Aggie squirm right out of their pink gloves.

I am sure the pathetic state of it  is settling somewhere inside me as I walk around in it but because I do not have the energy to deal with what needs to be done or to clean it...I  shut so much of it out.

The fact that I am hanging on to it by a thread can also be denied even when  I am short on another mortgage payment like I was this month and the bank calls.  I don't answer the phone.  The fire is obviously getting bigger and bigger all around us but I deny it. 

I refuse to see all the issues and problems and crisis during the day.  Yet, I cannot help but to see those fires  when my eyes are closed or I am laying in the dark.

The night, especially the dreaming part,  reminds me of trauma, crisis and urgent issues I need to acknowledge or deal with.  It whispers to me in the hush of the wee hours..."Your life really is not like that of other people's.  As much as you and others try to normalize it...you really can't.  There has been an extraordinary amount on your plate for years now...no human being can handle that much for that long and not crack.  My God....woman...think of what you had to deal with..." and then it starts running a video show in my head of the biggies I am dealing with now and the ones I had to deal with in the last 10 years and before that.  

It will occasionally show a few of the normal daily stressors in there like work related stress, relationship issues, parenting issues  but only to show me the comparison between the normal and the "crazy, bizarre, out of the norm" things most people I am presently in contact with  cannot even consider let alone understand. If anyone deserves to say, "I have some stressors in my life," I do.   (There ...ego got a say lol)

When I observe  the events of my life from  this quiet space I see my story  really is extraordinary and worthy of a good book jacket wrapped around it. More than anything ...it is worthy of some precious learning opportunity to gain and share. 

I also find myself asking as I look up at the ceiling in those early morning hours, "Why me?"  It is no longer my "victim" ego that asks that question but the observer .  I want to know..."Why did this all show up or why did I create it?" The observer asks and at the same time the observer knows the answer but I (the little I)  don't lol. 

I would like to think the observer  whispers back in a language I am just beginning to understand, "Because you asked for it.  This is what you asked for before you arrived here.  You knew what you were doing then...you knew what you needed to learn and to grow...so Life provided the opportunities for that growth...just as you asked.  Everything in your life is going exactly the way it is supposed to...the way you wanted it to.  It's all good!"

Wouldn't that be wonderful to hear that and to know that when we ask such a profound question?

I would love to believe that I am not a victim to random events; that I am not "cursed" lol.  I would love to believe that I asked for all this for some higher purpose I have yet to fully understand.  That would make it all worthwhile, wouldn't it?  

 I could lay there in those early hours, when the shadows of passing car lights are dancing across my wall, knowing that it is all going to be worth it; it's all going to be okay.  It's all good!

All is well in my world...day and night. :) .

Friday, April 21, 2017

The Quiet Observer Sees


Sometimes it is the quiet observer who sees the most.
Kathyrn L.  Nelson

The Observer

Once again I pushed myself beyond a healthy state of being. 

Yesterday, I pushed and pulled the students  and myself through a brutal class of finishing assignments and testing to meet the course requirements, which we did.  Yeah! 

The quiet observer watched me from that inner space within...saying nothing, judging not...just watching as I panted and huffed my way through class.  I know it saw a tensed up body with brows furrowed, shoulders tight and a voice that was urgent like it belonged to the leader of a fire brigade directing others with the putting out of a life-threatening fire. :)

 It felt a body that was exhausted, dizzy, fearful of collapse pull itself from place to place. 

It observed this powerful, focused but misdirected mind at work as it...intent on getting it all done...shut out all the precious sights and sounds around me, all the bodily symptoms and the opportunities for connection with others.

It watched as I turned off the clock and accomplished one task at a time until the mind  met its goal.

The hours passed and I was shocked to see how late it got.  ...but the observer wasn't.  It pays little heed to time ...only to moments it is not  ignored and denied, moments where its grace and propensity towards gratefulness are  heard beyond ego's demanding chirps.  Yesterday...there was not many of those.

The Ego

 To others...I seemed productive maybe . .. despite the chaos of my desk.  Getting that 2 hour class in, marking 45 assignments/tests in a few hours, organizing student papers for filing, getting marks in and calculated after having to redo my evaluation criteria on the system to accommodate for the missed classes, dealing with students as they came in with questions and putting my course material in a neat, organized fashion together and away... is no easy task for the healthy body and mind.  To do it when I felt the way I did was quite an extraordinary feat. 

My mind, as I said , is a very powerful thing.  Yesterday, I let it and this goal of getting it done guide me as ego took charge.   Ego does not want me to think about the observer, that threatens its very existence. 

It wants me busy with thought and action so I don't "feel" it within me. 

It wants me goal oriented and productive...meeting professional and social obligations. 

It wants me focusing on external gratification not the inner stuff. 

It wants me fearful of loss and failure so I do and keep busy. 

It tells me if I don't keep up I won't   keep this job and earn the money I need to survive.   It is so worried about my financial situation, untrusting of Life and social systems to provide. It pushed me with fear and a need to do as well as a desire for external accomplishment and praise.

Ego said "Do!" yesterday.  The observer said "Be"...I listened to the ego. I met my goal and I got it done but at what cost? 

Sure...there was a moment of "Man...it is done! I can't believe I did that!  Aren't I great?  Aren't I amazing?  Wow!" Ego was happy...but ego, we know, never stays happy for long.

The Consequence of Listening to Ego over The Observer

The observer was neither pleased or displeased with my performance.  It was just quietly watching.

 When I stopped long enough to notice my "being"...I realized I was completely exhausted.  It was even challenging to walk to the elevator at the end of the day. I was dizzy, my vision was off.  I was numb when I wanted to be enthused by the renovations my daughter wanted me to stop to see on my way home.  I was numb in my interactions with everyone as exhaustion makes one.  I did not appreciate the lovely day or go for a walk in the woods.  I saw only what had to be "done" when I walked into the house  and  I had nothing...absolutely nothing left to do it with...so I was consumed by guilt and shame.  There was no energy or vitality  in me...I made it to the couch and there I staid, falling in and out of sleep for the rest of the day.

 Is this living? 

Was that one moment of accomplishment worth it?   My moments after the ten second feeling of glory were full of bodily symptoms, guilt and shame, and a total disconnect to the beauty around me, the people around me.  Is that living? 

The quiet observer knows that isn't living but it doesn't say "I told you so."  It doesn't shake a finger in my direction and chastise me for my stupidity.  It just waits quietly in the background of my life with its arms open, watching and waiting for me to come back to it where I belong. 

I want to go back to it.  I want to go home. I want to learn to just be again.

All is well in my world.

Thursday, April 20, 2017



Just let go.  Let go of how you thought your life should be, and embrace the life that is trying to work its way into your consciousness.
Caroline Myss

Snowing out there this morning.  The world is coated in white again.  The aging dancer slipped across the stage once more  when no one was looking.  :) Good for her!  It is all good.  It is what it is. My tea is cooling beside me...and life is grand just as it is as it works its way through my consciousness so I am at least aware of it.

Still Thinking and Doing

This awareness/consciousness/waking up...whatever you wish to call it....I am learning...does not mean passivity, lack of thought or action or being completely without the ego.  Sometimes I fear it will never work its way through me...because I am still "thinking", still intent on getting things done and still very much aware that I still have a big fat ego clinging to me. 

Still Waking Up

I realize now that despite that,  I am still waking up. What awareness of the present moment...which is Life...does, is it clears a path, creates space for proper action, thinking, and creates awareness of ego's antics just so one doesn't get caught up in them. 

The fact that I can observe and see my ego at play, see and understand when I am lost in thought or doing and am able to bring myself back, even momentarily, to spaciousness shows that I am not identified with those things...I can get beyond them.  How is that for amazing? 

Yesterday I felt dizzy and miserable ( kind of like I do now) until about 11ish.  My vision and head cleared a bit then ( meds kicking in?).  Anyway, once I felt better I decided to rest and work on my marking in a pressureless and one paper at a time way.  I got that done.  I did not go for a walk....but I also was able to pick my daughter up from school, supper was taken care of by the pot pies I made the day before, was able to wash sheets and with help from daughter get them on the line.  I was able to start my bread and watch one of my favorite little shows ( Call the Midwife ::) .  D. and I even got a movie in later that evening.  Everything I could do yesterday got done without over thinking or overworking.  

All is well in my little world.   

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Be the silent watcher of your thoughts and behaviour. You are beneath the thinker.  You are the stillness beneath the mental noise. You are the love and joy beneath the pain.
Eckhart Tolle


Stress is wanting something to be the way it isn't.
Eckhart Tolle

Feeling Stressed?

I pushed myself again yesterday.  I have got to stop doing that. 

Missed hours from my class  this term due to weather, and my own crazy idea that I have to do things a certain way have led me to this point where I could easily be overwhelmed by the amount of marking, replanning and revising the course at the last minute.  My mind is full with thoughts about how I am going to squeeze all remainder of course requirements in and still have everything done, marked and with grades in the computer by Friday at five.  At the same time I start another course I have never taught before on Tuesday and I am not ready for that. 

This all when I am feeling completely exhausted physically with a head that keeps spacing out on me. (And not the nice intentional kind of spacing out that leads to more awareness lol...I am referring to the foggy brain -missing large chunks of mental capacity type of spaciness that comes with fatigue and dizziness from what I assume is a low cardiac output).  This could overwhelm me.  The question is will I allow it to? 

How does one get overwhelmed by experiences like these? 

By resisting them ...by resisting what is. 

When we find ourselves tensing up when we confront a life situation, pushing harder against the stream, fighting to keep going despite the body's cry for rest and care and dealing with more adversity and things seemingly going wrong all around us ...we are resisting what is happening right now.  

In my mind I am saying things like: "Oh My God!  How am I going to get this all done...I am going to kill myself.  Why did there have to be so many missed classes on my day.? Why did I make this course so project based? I am going over my hours...but I need to keep going.  I am making myself sicker and for what? I can't be sick now.  I can't deal with that now.  I have to do this to keep my job.  I need to keep my job.  I want to keep my job. Why is this happening?  It is so unfair!" 

This is what I am allowing into my moment.

Every thought is an energy that  fights against what is going on right now.  All my energy is going into fighting and it does not change one thing.  I will still have a deadline Friday.  I will still have the marking to do and the marks to get in. My body will feel the way it does.

These things, however,  are not the real problem in this one moment. It is simply in the mental resisting of what is happening right now that I have a problem. Our resistance is the problem.

 How do we not become overwhelmed and get past this problem focus then?  

We need to allow and accept this moment for all it is regardless of what we find in it... the event, the emotional, mental or physical experience, the behaviour of another etc ... before we can flow through it or it can flow through us. We need to allow the moment to be what it is. 

We need to be aware and honest.  In this moment I really don't feel well...my head is spinning;  my vision is threatening to get blurry(words are sometimes leaping up and down  from the line) ...I feel so weak and tired...the left side of my neck is squeezing.  That is my physical reality in this moment.  My physical symptoms are intensified by my working harder than my body wants me to. So I take the time to write it down here to  confirm my acceptance of what is going on.  I could deny it like I have been doing for the last week or so (denying is resisting) or I could admit to it.  By writing it out here I am in a sense choosing to  accept it. My truth is...I am not where I want to be physically right now  and my pushing myself at work is not "getting me past it" ...it is making it worse...

Resistance of what is ...is making it worse, creating a problem where a problem does not have to be.

Truth is...there is a lot to do before Friday...that is true.  But I can only do one  task at a time, and live in one moment at a time.  That is my reality. That is the reality for all mankind.  Friday at 5 will come regardless of how much tension and stress I put in from here until then.  I cannot change that or control that. I can choose a different way of being though. 

 I can choose peace other than this and peace is the sweet feeling one gets when they surrender to what is.  I can surrender. I can just allow my body to do what it needs to do; Life to give me what it needs to give me; things to happen around me as they need to happen. 

I can drop the resistance and get into that quiet, inward space I wrote about previously.  From there, I can  observe it all as part of something so much greater than me.  I can learn to say and mean it: "What is...is; what will be...will be."

It is all so very good.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017


I think it is very healthy to spend time alone.  You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person.
Oscar Wilde

I am not so sure that what ever I got going on in my heart  is menopause friendly.  Just in two months my exertion tolerance has diminished remarkably.  The simplest things require the most effort.  I really did not anticipate that once the protective coating of estrogen became unpredictable that it would behave so dramatically.  I thought it would be a more gradual thing?  Of course, this is when my sisters had their MI's and such.  I am aware of that. Oh well...it is what it is and truth is we really do not know what it is lol.  I just know my body is tired.  I have limited control over what it does other than work on my thinking about it.  That is okay...I can live with that.  My ability to accept Life as it is has improved which is the most important thing.  :)

Waking up is such a joy.  :)  It gives me purpose, clarity, understanding, the ability to forgive and let go, hope and something to do when my body is not up for all the things I used to fill my days with. There is a certain meaning in my life now where  there was busy work and action before. 

Other than this blog I am not going around preaching lol.  Just in case you think I am.  This is a very quiet growing process for me.  If people ask me what I think I will tell them but otherwise...I am still very much playing the "reporter in the background" role. I am socializing much less because of this, as well as the fact that it requires too much physical energy for me right now, but I am still out there some.  :)  I discovered this weekend that I am okay with that change in my social status.  I need to socialize less....well in the traditional sense.  I actually choose and prefer to spend more time away from events, crowds, etc. It is all good.

Well another day begins on this wonderful journey.  May yours be blessed with understanding and growth. 

All is well!

Monday, April 17, 2017

I have to get out and shoot some new pictures.  I am digging way back to find pics for this blog...some of the pics go back to when I shot with a  Nikon Coolpix...which was many, many years ago lol.

Bear with me...I will get the energy to shoot soon enough:)  All good!
Reflect upon your present blessings - of which every man has many- not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.
-Charles Dickens

My blessings:
  • My children and the precious time I spend with them.  I cooked a big Ester Dinner last evening and all my children sat around my table laughing and talking and complimenting me on the food.  There was gratitude, love and joy in those moments.  Then, when the food was put away and the dishes were washed... D. and all of us played a board game  where we acted silly and laughed even louder.  I looked around that table at my blessings and felt my heart swell.  This is Life, I thought, in all its perfect majesty.  How could I ever find reason to complain when there is this much love in my life?
  • My family and friends at work and beyond.  So grateful for them, all of them, for touching my life the way they do.  Oh ego, at those times it festers, likes to find reasons to be displeased but it has to dig very deep with great effort to do so lately.  The older and more wiser I get...the more work it has to do to find reasons to complain about my relationships.  Ego is tiring itself out in its attempt to stir up drama in my relations with others or to react to the egos of others...and I appreciate even more the blessing I find here.
  • D....I have found a gentle soul who is more evolved than most without even knowing how evolved he is.  He is my Slim and his presence in my life is a quiet reflection of how I wish to be.
  • My Pets.  I am surrounded by gentle guardians of my being.  They teach me so much with their presence.  They fill my life with joy and peace.
  • My words.  This ability to come here and sprinkle words across the screen is such a blessing to me.  It fills me with so much purpose and a connection to something greater.  I am a writer...regardless of how I am seen by others.  I am a writer and that to me is one of my greatest blessings!
  • Nature.  The world that surrounds me heals me, inspires me and helps me to grow into a better person. It connects me to my source.  When I am out there in the woods with the sunlight streaming down through the canopy above my head...I feel like I am in a sacred spot.  I want to photograph it...still it forever so others can see how precious it is.  I want to breathe it in to my very core so I remember how it is a part of me.  Being surrounded my nature is a holy experience for me.
  • My work.  So grateful to the college for allowing me to stay on with such limited part time hours and protecting me with certain benefits when I was so sure my decision in 2014 would dissolve all of that. Grateful for the opportunity to get out and "normalize" a few hours a week doing what I do love to do. Grateful for the income.  :)
  • My miraculous body.  Man...this body  is an amazing vehicle that takes me around from place to place, that allows me to experience life.  I can do so much....and I am grateful.  It also talks to me and teaches me through its symptoms and I am learning to listen and understand its meaning.  I am learning to work with it...instead of against it.
  • My miraculous mind.  Man this thing I call my mind is truly something.  It is a wonderful tool I can use to expand and grow into all I am meant to be.
  • The ability to get beyond mind and body.  Now this is the true blessing!  I am learning...I am learning.
  • All the learning I have done over the years intentionally and unintentionally!   Every hardship, every difficulty, every challenge as well as every opportunity and blessing I encounter teaches me and takes me closer to where I want to be.  I just love learning and growing!!!!  I see the learning and growing I have already done and the learning and growing ahead of me and I am in awe.
  • Waking up.  Man I am so thrilled by this process of waking up.  I can't get enough of it.  I want to learn all I c an...practice, write, speak about it.  It consumes me.  I want to be aware and conscious!!! I want to be an example.
  • Life.  I am so grateful just to be alive.  To feel the Life force flowing through me...
  • This moment...I am so thankful for this one precious moment as I sit here writing my blessings.  For knowing that it is my Life and for being aware and appreciative of it.    I am so very, very blessed.
All is well in my world!

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Happy Easter!

Our Lord has written the promise of resurrection, not in books alone but in every leaf of springtime.
Martin Luther

Is that not a beautiful quote for Easter?  Not only has Christ been resurrected from the dead but so has the entire world and everything in it.


All is well in my world.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Choosing Gratitude over Grievance

Grievance and gratitude are polar opposites. Grievance focuses on what is not there and looks for someone to blame.  Gratitude recognizes what is here- the simple beauty of human presence and contact-and responds to it with appreciation.
John Welwood (American psychospiritual psychologist and writer)

Why We Collect Grievances.

My shameful  experience the other day ( shameful only to my ego and the egos of others :)), when I found myself searching for and collecting grievances, is not a unique one. It is believed that most people, in general,  spend more time collecting reasons to be upset than they do seeking reasons to be happy. 

Why? 

Because our egos...that outer shell of personality that we use to define ourselves and to make sense of our worlds with... wants us complaining.  If we see the people around us and the world as lacking or  at fault...it reinforces this belief system that we are all alone...separate from others and God. 

Ego needs us to believe this because this is the belief that gives it strength and allows it to endure. Blame, judgment, manipulations with guilt and  condemnation puff ego up. Self pity, a notion of rejection, isolation and abandonment, though diminishing,  "sting" the ego.  A stung ego is an active ego.  Ego wants to be active!

When our egos are fault finding or stinging from the perceived neglect or insult from another...we only see reasons to grieve and not the blessings that surround us.  Instead of finding ways to reduce inflammation and soothe the pain we consciously and sub consciously seek reasons to keep  the inflammation of ego going.  The more inflammation, the more swollen ego becomes...giving it the appearance of size and power. 

We see ourselves as our egos ( our personalities) and we assume that by allowing  it to  grow (or at least have the illusion of size)  and endure we are protecting ourselves. Grievance collection  is a self preservation and survival reaction, nothing more.  The only problem is...by complaining and fault finding we are allowing something to grow that wants nothing more than to keep us from who we really are.  If we knew from Whom we came, we would realize we do not need ego's protection...in fact...it is only  in the way.

A Practical Example



 I understand the  ego is a foreign term to many people and many would view my little trip down self pity lane as nothing more than a quirk in my personality. They would not see or understand the "spiritual lesson" in it.  That's understandable. 

So in practical terms...let's look at it this way....I was tired, not feeling physically at my best  and enduring the early hormonal fluctuations that occur with menopause. We tend to see the world, ourselves and other people's reaction to us a bit negatively when we are sick or  tired. (I was feeling alone and disconnected from my Source...ego was active

I was  beginning to feel good and sorry for myself and looking for reasons to keep this self pity trip going.  I was  looking for an external reason to grieve at that point...to explain this alone feeling I was experiencing.  (Ego was feeding itself ...the little me... with this notion of separation). 

I thought I found one in a perceived accidental exclusion from a social event that I honestly probably would not attend anyway ( I am really not up to socializing these days).  I wanted to feel sorry for myself...I wanted an excuse for feeling so miserable...so I looked for this one thing outside myself to latch onto.  I did not examine the facts or evidence that would prove otherwise...I just jumped on a reason to be upset.  "They forgot about me again.  I really am on the outside looking in aren't I?  I am no longer important.  I don't belong." ( This fed the ego making it more inflamed. It wanted more. )

So I thought about other times I was excluded or my needs were less than addressed with concern by certain people...I had to dig really deep into my memory banks to find them.  I had to push all the times I felt cared for, listened to, supported, included away to get to those few negatives...but I found them.  I collected those few memories and held onto them as evidence (Ego needed to collect past memories of any form of wrong doing  to prove to me on some level...that I was indeed alone, separated from all so that I would rely on it to protect me.

Now I could use my absolutes and intensify the situation. :  "This is not the first time.  They...not just they but everyone...excludes me all the time.  I am forever being left out. No one cares for me etc."    (Ego was growing at an alarming rate by collecting reasons to intensify this self pity reaction even if it was blown utterly and completely out of proportion... it  needed to effect change in my world with  pity or guilt so it could gain even more power.  It  wanted drama. ). 

Instead of expressing anger and resentment...I would use the manipulation tactic of guilt and pity by telling one trusted person that I was not invited.  Instead of just leaving the whole accidental exclusion behind and not show up to the event because I really was not up to going...I would tell someone I was not going because I was not invited.  There is some merit in my confession...I wanted this one person to know that I had good reasons for not showing up that went beyond my selfish one of fatigue. ...but most of it was ego generated...I wanted someone to pity me and stir up a guilt reaction in other people. (Ego wanted the drama of other pity and guilt). 

This emotional reaction  all happened so quickly and lasted for a total of an hour. In practical terms...that hour represents  how the ego gets fed with grievances.

Choosing Gratitude over Grievance

As I watched what was happening from the position of the Observer, these are the questions that ran through my head: Do you want to keep feeding your ego?  Do you want to continue to feel sorry for yourself or consumed with anger resentment towards others? Do you want to create guilt and pity reactions in others so there is drama? Do you constantly want to collect and see only that which causes pain? Do you like the sting of inflammation? Do you want to feel separated and alone?  No. ...was my answer.

Grievance is really not what we want

I bet you don't want these things, either...I mean the ego might want it but the you that resides beneath the ego knows better and wants more.  Remember the opposite challenge?  When we encounter something we don't want...and though ego enjoys the drama, you really do not want it in your life...seek it's opposite.

You want the opposite of grievance and what is that?  Gratitude.  Gratitude is at the polar end of grievance.    Gratitude is the feeling of appreciation for blessing instead of lack,  inclusion instead of exclusion,  connection instead of isolation or separation and joy instead of shame, loneliness or despair.    Grievance feels yucky!!!  Gratitude feels good! We can always choose gratitude.

It may take some effort on our part to get beyond the conditioned habit of grievance collection and complaining. If we look back honestly we will see that we have been complaining for most of our adult lives. We can change, however.

How can we change?

You just need to focus on what is right in your life rather than what is wrong.  Be aware of the sting of self pity or offense  when it happens and know it is simply ego trying to gain power. Choose otherwise....one step towards perfect gratitude at a time. 

Find something to be grateful for in the situation.     When you feel forgotten...recall all the times you were remembered and most importantly know that you have never been forgotten by the One that really matters.  Appreciate that! When you feel excluded...recall the times when you were a part of the lives of others and more importantly know that you are a part of the One where exclusion is impossible. Appreciate that! When you feel attacked or insulted...recall the times you were appreciated, praised and supported and most importantly know that no one can hurt you...who you really are.  You have God on your side. Appreciate that!

I also find it helpful to know that most conflict is generated by ego against ego.  It is simply an ego thing, not a real thing. We are in the truer sense not in conflict with one another.  Our egos are basically dealing with other people's egos.  If we could look past the ego in our self and the ego in the other...we would see there is no conflict, no reasons to feel hurt or to hurt.    There can't be. There is only presence and connection!

Recognize what is here....the simple beauty of presence and human contact...and be grateful for it.

All is well in my world.

Friday, April 14, 2017

I, The Observer

Understand that thoughts are thoughts.  If they are unreasonable, reason with them, even if you have no reason left.  You are the observer of your mind, not its victim.
Matt Haig (Writer)

The Little "I" in action

Yesterday I was given a wonderful little opportunity to witness my "little I' in action. 

My little I of course is my egoic self...the one that is consumed by mental and emotional reactions; the one that feels separated from all and God as it looks for ways to prove this separation theory through illness, chaos, loss etc. The Little I is constantly needing to defend and attack its way to survival....to manipulate the world around it  to establish  some outer form of protection.

 It judges and condemns. It puffs itself up and growls and huffs its way to power...convincing us that it is in charge and we follow the path it leads us down  to our own destruction. We become victims to it.  We are so identified with it...thinking it (and the body) is all we are...that we forget who we really are.

Yet...when the Little I catches a glimpse of itself in the mirror, it sees how tiny and pathetic it really is.  Yesterday...I caught a glimpse of this part of me in the mirror and it certainly was not something to be proud of.  I did not judge however...well...the I that is the True Observer...the One Self...That which Is  in all....did not judge.  It was the "little I" that judged itself...the ego judging ego...and I am not my ego.

 That Which Is ...is beyond the need for judgment...It simply watches and observes.  It is from that place that I want to operate. I want to be an observer of my mind, not a victim.

Learning through Life's situations

I was given that situation yesterday...or more likely... I created that situation for the whole 40-60 minutes that it lasted...for many reasons. 

Menopause

The first one is menopause...yes.  I wrote yesterday about ego claws digging in more tightly when one approaches the wisdom years.  Just like an animal about to be pulled from its source of nourishment and protection...ego digs its claws in and clings even more tightly as I start pushing it away. 

Menopause marks entry into the sacred years. These are the wisdom years I am stepping into...years of greater understanding and awareness, years of less need for the good opinion of others; years of remembering Who I really am and from Whom  I came.   I don't want ego anymore.

Ego knows that.  So like a festering boil before it is lanced...it becomes painful and swollen...tempting me back to old painful  ways of thinking ...to a world where I believe I am separated and alone...to a time when I was so dependent on the good opinion of others.  It tried to manipulate me yesterday  and for a short time it did.

 But these are, gratefully,  the wise years...and wisdom took over allowing me to observe from  a place of greater awareness what was happening so I was able to get beyond it.  Oh ego is still present within me...still digging its claws in...but I am now aware of its desperation and hopefully will respond better the next time a challenge presents itself.

I experienced what I did yesterday for another reason.  It offered another lesson.  

Getting Beyond Ego

It is my intention...in fact, it is my life mission... to get beyond ego.  My ego is most sensitive to and becomes most inflamed with any sense of being left out, ignored, forgotten or excluded. (A left over from childhood).  It is in those situations that I really notice it. 

So if you want to learn to overcome something what do you need to do?  Put oneself in the line of exposure!! Confronting  the experiences offer the most learning.  That is why, I believe, situations like this keep showing up in my life. They offer opportunities for better learning.  They  remind me that ego is still active and I need more practice!  I still need to learn to stop reacting so.

Reminder of Purpose

I also encountered that situation yesterday as a reminder of purpose here.  We are observers.  Within us all this Observer watches without judgment ...truly living through us even when our minds take us out of present moment awareness and even though no one...not even ourselves...can see or understand It.  We all have that...whether we are tapped into it or not...but some us have a more obvious observer in us...that others can see. Some of us have a human and physical function to observe. 

Life Observer

I, ever since I can remember, was someone who stood back, watched and recorded what I seen, heard, felt, etc.  That is what makes me a writer.  I often find myself on the outside of human interaction and exchange...looking in...taking notes in my head and later putting them down on paper. I record Life as I see it happening around me.   I also do the same with a camera. I think of myself, sometimes, as a photojournalist for God in His edition of Life:).

I never asked for this role as life observer ...it just happened naturally. 

As a result...I often found myself excluded...on the outside looking in to the human experience...missing out on human interaction.  I became a listener in my observer role...but not one to often share my own experience. 

I became a giver of feedback and praise when I saw how wonderful people could be and what they were capable of...but not often on the receiving end of such.

 I was one of those people, because of my quiet observing presence...who gave  the impression possibly  that I was neutral...not needing...there, merely,  for others as a reflection or sounding board.

 My needs were often not considered (well...that is how I perceived it). I was easy to forget...just like the photographer at a wedding observing and recording people's happy moments. It was just expected that I would be there through the long hours doing my job  regardless of how tired or hungry I got. Forgotten until I was needed by another. (awe...another little trip down self pity lane lol).

 Part of me resented that and yesterday reminded me of that resentment. 

Once I got beyond the egoic perception...however...I realized there really is no reason to resent or feel insult.  In fact...I am more than blessed.  What an honor it is to have this God given role as human observer.  I am not separate and alone from others...I am just busy watching and recording the beauty that is Life.  In some ways...it makes me more conscious of the world and my connection to it. I become more aware of the real Observer  within me that the mini one reflects. 

Truth is: I want to be an Observer! I want to be The Observer

So I am okay with being mistakenly forgotten or having my own needs innocently neglected by others. (Even if it is more than  just a mistaken perception on my part which it wasn't.  My perception of the event was distorted.) 

Truth is, I have a much more important job to perform while I am here, that goes way beyond the ego.

All is well in my world!

Thursday, April 13, 2017

The Ego claws of Menopause

The Ego claws of Menopause...


Ego & Menopause

Menopause must be the time for the ego to shine and get nasty....lol 

I feel its claws clinging in to me now.  I am actually looking for reasons to feel sorry for myself...and I am finding them...lol. 

After all the work I do to get beyond this old ego of mine...anticipating that this life transition will enlighten me and make the ego slip away with the hormones that are taking the last train out of here...it pops up and says, "You can't get rid of me that fast!  So sister...what do you think about the fact that no one remembers you...that you are forever being excluded from things as if you were insignificant piece of dust? Let's go back and recall all the times you were forgotten, neglected. excluded.  Who was there when you really needed someone?  Who really cares about you? People only want you to be there for them. When the chips are down...who is there for you?  " 

Oh it went on and on...listening to that chitter chatter in my head.  And not just listening ...going back and digging for proof of this neglect and exclusion. ...seeking a reason to be justifiably hurt. Is that not crazy or what? 

Ego at work

This is ego at work.  I watch it...the observer in me watches it...sees what I am doing...sees a small innocent mistake that was not intentional at all ...watches as the ego grabs on to that mistake and dangles it before my exhausted mind like a carrot leading me off on a tangent.  I watch the emotional reaction...the mental reaction and my inner being say, "What the %^&* are you doing woman?  Why would you want to go there?"  Still there I went.  

So I observed it all and it is pretty cool to look at your self from this type of awareness.  But I must say it was a challenge to slow the ego down...it wanted drama...guilt and pity from others stirred into the pot.

I just continued to observe...recognizing ego for what it was...recognizing that the hormone fluctuations and my exhaustion are playing a part in my reaction...accepting it and eventually...getting above ego to an acceptance of what is...with a certain degree of peace.   It is just amazing to watch how fast ego can go off on a tangent creating a snowball effect.

Anyway...I controlled the drama...the emotional reaction...and the spiritual one to some extent.  I now walk away a little wiser, a little more aware  of just how much ego is still in me.  At least that prepares for the months ahead of me during this miraculous transition.  Ego claws are nasty but I can remove them.

All is well
Men are disturbed not by events, but by the views which they take of them.
Epictetus

I fall upon this quote from a slave who was born years after Christ and who became a great philosopher in Greece.  I think that is serendipitous being that  I am talking about getting beyond our thoughts and circumstances  and accepting what is. What does this quote imply?  It is not what is happening to us...it is how we perceive these things and how we react that counts. 

Tolle, in The New Earth writes that there are three levels of encountering external events that tend to "bug us" or set us off.  In the first and most obvious level we encounter the external thing...that could be a person's behaviour, what they are saying to us, external noise or chaos, a life situation that we do not want: a trauma, a loss. On the second level we react...we adopt a thought related to this, usually based on past experience and belief.  We feel something like anger, shock, frustration, despair, shame etc.  Then we behave a certain way based on this emotion. We resist, say something back, run away from the situation. Many times we react negatively.  Then on the third level we watch from that place That Is the external events as well as our reaction.  The observer observes the first two levels neutrally. 

This is where we want to put our awareness...on observing.  By stepping back and just noticing the event and noticing how we are choosing to react without judgment or blame will help us to remove the negative from the situation. We go beyond thought. The more we practice this observation , we will find that we naturally  begin to react differently to those things that bother us.  We accept what is as it is.  We see that the idea of a "problem" does not come from the external event but from our emotional and mental  attachment to it or our resistance of it. 

All is well in my world.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

A Light Exists in Spring


Spring Brings New Hope

I see the robins outside my window searching for food in the big patches of bare lawn that are now visible.  The snow is melting so quickly; the robins are plentiful; the air is warm and filled with the perfume of thawing earth and it can only mean one thing.  Spring has sprung.  How wonderful is that?  :) I love spring.  My father used to recite these words every year, the same words his mother recited to him..."Spring brings new hope."  No matter how challenging things seem to be ...how rough of a winter one endured...spring reminds us that there is still hope and new beginnings.

 
A Light Exists in Spring
 
A light exists in spring
Not present on the year
At any other period.
When March is scarcely here

A color stands abroad
On solitary hills
That science cannot overtake,
But human naturefeels.

It waits upon the lawn;
It shows the furthest tree
Upon the furthest slope we know;
It almost speaks to me.

Then, as horizons step,
Or noons report away,
Without the formula of sound,
It passes, and we stay:

A quality of loss
Affecting our content,
As trade had suddenly
encroached
Upon a sacrament.
 
 

Emily Dickinson

From Poem Hunter.com: https://www.poemhunter.com/poem/a-light-exists-in-spring/

I love this poem about the light seen in the beginning of spring.  I love this poet.  I think she and I were kindred spirits :)   I often write about the light...especially the change in light that spring brings about.  It is so subtle yet so brilliant...so difficult to explain, yet so difficult not to feel....almost spiritual and sacred.  This is the hope my father and grandmother spoke of.  I could never describe as brilliantly and as eloquently as Dickinson does, however.

All is well.





Tuesday, April 11, 2017

You have power over your mind not outside events.  Remember this and you will find strength.
Marcus Aurelius


Struggling physically.  Trying to make up for it emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  I try to see myself as the witness to it rather than the victim of it.   I stop resisting and just observe what is happening...experiencing it but not getting  consumed by it.  I don't resist.  I allow myself to feel what I am feeling and accept it without dramatizing or blowing it out of proportion.  I focus on what I can do. When the symptoms get to a certain point...I remind myself that this too shall pass...and it does.  It does!   Hmmm...I think it is working but I really don't know.  I go into work today where I don't have the safety of the couch to fall back on.  We will see how it turns out then.  I am confident I have the strength within me that I need.  It is all good...all so very good. :)

Monday, April 10, 2017

Beyond Thought to That which Is...

His ear heard more than what was said to him, and his slow speech had overtone not of thought, but of understanding beyond thought.
John Steinbeck

This is a famous character description of Slim in Steinbeck's Of Mice and Men.  In these simple words,  Steinbeck describes the characteristics of  an enlightened man, someone with a  wisdom that goes beyond thought.  Slim is slow moving, mindful, gentle, and soft spoken without ego or a need to prove himself.  The use of "not of thought" and "beyond thought" indicate a connection to That which Is beyond the physical world as we know it. This is the type of person we are all destined to be...once we stop identifying ourselves and life with what is going on in our heads.  Life is beyond thought.  Once we can get beyond the veil of thought we will experience it more fully.

Reality is beyond speech and thought. Only that which can be expressed in words is being said. But what cannot be put into language is indeed That which Is.
AnandamayiMa

AnandamayiMa was an early 20th century Bengali sage and spiritual leader who led by example.  Like Slim, she spoke little but when she did her words  and the wisdom she offered her thousands of devotees were beyond thought. Her mission, according to those who wrote about her, was simply to make everyone aware of the One that resides in all things. That which Is..no matter how we perceive It or worship It... resides in all things and can not be described or understood with mere thoughts or words.

And according to Tolle's words below...once we learn that our identification with thought and the body is not what we are and accept that force that flows through us and all things as the Essence of all Life...we are on the path to freedom.  We begin to truly experience the beauty, love, creativity, joy and inner peace that are expressions of That which Is.

The beginning of freedom is the realization that you are not the "thinker". The moment you start watching the thinker, a higher level of consciousness becomes activated.  You then begin to realize there is a vast realm of intelligence beyond thought, that thought is only a tiny aspect of that intelligence.  You also realize that all the things that truly matter-beauty, love, creativity, joy, inner peace-arise from beyond the mind.  You begin to awaken.
Eckhart Tolle

All is well.


Resources

  • Bhaiji (1975). Sad Vani: A Collection of the Teaching of Sri Anandamayi Ma. translated by Swami Atmananda. Shree Shree Anandamayee Charitable Society.

  • Fitzgerald, Joseph; Alexander Lipski (2007). The Essential Sri Anandamayi Ma: Life and Teaching of a 20th Century Indian Saint. World Wisdom. ISBN 978-1-933316-41-3.


  • Steinbeck, J. (1993) Of Mice and Men. Penguin
  • (first published in 1937)

  • Tolle, Eckhart. (2004) The Power of Now. New World Library
 

    Sunday, April 9, 2017

    Forget about your life situation and pay attention to your life. Your life situation exists in time.  Your life is now. Your life situation is mind-stuff.  Your life is real.
    Eckhart Tolle