Pain

The only antidote to mental suffering is physical pain.
Karl Marx

Pain

The pain is back. 

Three months without pelvic pain and it started creeping back into my life on Friday....full blown yesterday, knocking the wind out of me and waking me up several times during the night last night  so I am walking the floors again.

 I thought I was done.  I thought I was making the grand transition.  I wanted to be free so I pretended the pain was not there as best I could. I wanted menopause so badly because I wanted there to be no more endometriosis pain or worry over it. 

Not to be.  The pain is here and there is not much I can do about it but accept it while I manage it the best way I can. 

Getting Beyond the Fear

The worry, however, I can do something about. The worry gets me no where but down.  This has to be what I thought it was from the beginning...it comes at certain times and it leaves at certain times.  I know this pain...I have lived with it for so many years. The only difference is the extra pain on the left side.  I can explain that in my head by saying that it is likely endometriosis adhesions on the left ovary.  That makes sense to me.

So why am I worried?  Why do I resist it so? I do not like what the pain does to the rest of me.  It completely exhausts me....I had to sleep for four hours yesterday.  I can't do anything.  And I get more chest pain, SOB, dizziness around the time I have this.  For the last 5 mornings I have been waking up with my eyes swollen because I am retaining so much fluid. 

It is what it is

I want to resist this and say things to myself like: this isn't happening, this shouldn't be happening but it is. It is what it is and will be what it will be. I have gotten through many, many bouts of this and  I will get through this one.

An antidote

If I step back and look at it and me with it, the question arises: Why did I bring this into my life and what am I to learn?  What is it asking of me?  Maybe Marx was right....maybe physical pain comes to make us forget our mental suffering.  What mental situations am I avoiding with physical pain? I need some time to sit still with those questions and figure that out...the only problem is that with this much pain it isn't always easy to sit still for long.

Oh the drama of my life.  :)