Question #1: How do we obtain true peace?

 What you are looking for is not out there, it is in you.

 70,000 readers registered on my stats page at this moment.  Not sure what it means, if anything...but such a perfect round number, isn't it? 70,000.

New Learning/Teaching Exercise Intention

 

Words transform. Speak only with a good purpose. Say only things that serve you and others. Choose your words wisely.

Robert Allen

I am going to begin something new.  I am going to attempt to answer a very challenging "spiritual" or "persona;l" question ( they are one and the same, I suppose) in a ten minute time frame, maybe once or twice a week. I gathered a series of questions from others and I have also come up with some deep questions of my own.  I put all these questions in an envelope and I will, on video, pull one question out and answer it ...impromptu style...in a ten minute time frame.  

I remembered this exercise from my Toast Master days.  Back then we were given a minute and a half, I believe, to answer a question or to speak about something without preparation.  It was a pretty intense exercise but very helpful in building thinking and speaking off the cuff skills. 

Why do I want to do it here?

 I guess, I want to build on my ability to tap into the wise part of me ( that part  we all possess within us) that lays beyond the ego.  I want to learn to speak, teach and advance my learning from there.  I have learned so much over the last few years in regards to my awakening and I want to share it....without ego getting in the way.  I figure what comes off the cuff...is how I authentically assimilated that learning.  So being aware of it will help me to gauge and measure my learning, as well as possibly helping others.  

I cannot stress enough that I am no expert, no spiritual guru or teacher even.  I am just learning.  I just happen to believe that we learn through teaching, and we teach as we learn. Whatever answers I may give during this exercise must be taken with a grain of salt.  Just listen and look within yourself as you do... see how the answer feels for you...if it resonates a certain truth you are already aware of...investigate further with other resources and with the "experts".  K? 

These answers will be far from perfect.  Being that I have set my camera to shut off after ten minutes, they may end abruptly. I just want whatever comes through to be authentic and real. 

All is well!

Sukha at Christmas

 Happiness does not depend on what you have or who you are. It solely relies on what you think.

The Buddha

It is so beautiful out there...in the part of the world this clump of flesh and busy mind I call "me"  is on. There is a fresh covering of pristine white snow over everything.  The landscape offers  the perfect Christmas card, expressing "Peace on Earth" . That is a fitting reflection since this time of the season is where I tend to find what I was looking for in the holiday...when it is near its end lol.  Ironic eh? Everything just seems to be perfect as it is right now...no need to change anything. What is is good enough.  This feeling experience is what, in Sanskrit, would be called Sukha. 

Sukha

Sukha, of course, is related to and, at the same time, the "opposite" of Dukkha.  In simple terms...(as long as we do not get stuck on the terms, concepts, language choices)...Sukha or happiness is simply the absence of Dukkha or suffering.  Dukkha is the absence of Sukha.  They are interrelated in the sense ...we cannot even begin to understand or experience happiness unless we understand and experience suffering. Just like we cannot understand or experience darkness unless we understand and experience of light.  Darkness is simply the absence of light. Suffering is simply the absence of happiness and happiness is simply the absence of suffering. 

The Unconditioned

I listened to another lovely dharma talk today ( see it listed below) and these words resonated in me:

Touching happiness means touching the unconditioned. 

After hearing those words, I immediately found myself going back to Joseph Goldstein's, Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening

When the Buddha speaks of the end of dukkha, he is not simply talking about being in a good mood. The radical, uncompromising freedom of Nibbana [Nirvana/End of suffering] is not dependent on conditions being favorable; it is not dependent on conditions at all. page 315

Three Cravings that Take Us From Sukha

The dharma teacher in the below video did say that there were three types of cravings responsible for our sense of suffering.  We have a tendency as human beings to look for happiness in our sense pleasures, in becoming a certain someone, and in not becoming a certain someone.  Yet, as long as that is our goal, we will not find the sukha we are looking for and without sukha we have suffering.  

During this season, I often find myself  going back and forth between the experience of happiness and the experience of suffering. I am still dependent on conditions to bring me peace and I have a craving to please my five senses, to be a "good"  person and refrain from being a "real" person who is imperfect in their evolution away from attachment and aversion....I do not want to be a person who is still "suffering" at a time of year they believe they should not be suffering in. ( How many thousands of people are like that, I wonder?) . 

We look to bring pleasure in through our five senses and when we do not succeed at doing so...we suffer. Christmas represents and fosters a certain type of expectation on conditions. We look to Christmas to bring us pleasurable sensations through what we see (lights, decorations, landscapes), hear ( Christmas carols, laughter, warm wishes etc), taste ( all the food we tend to over consume), smell ( Christmas trees, turkey coking etc) and feel ( hugs, warmth of a fire, "Jack Frost nipping at your nose" lol)  

No Conditions

Yet, true happiness is not dependent on conditions being favorable. It is not dependent on conditions at all. 

Without expectations or attachment to these conditions...be they related to Christmas or any other time of the year...we all have what is needed for Sukha within us. Conditions will be what they are in Life...sometimes they will be favorable and sometimes they won't be.  Sometimes they will be wrapped in darkness and sometimes in light.  True happiness is being able to sit with it all, embrace it all and even smile through it all.

So the scenery I see now, though very favorable, is not why I feel peace.  Christmas is not why I feel peace and happiness. I feel peace and happiness becasue I know there is a way through suffering that has nothing to do with the conditions that surround me. That is Sukha!

All is well.

Joseph Goldstein (2016) Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. Boulder: Sounds True

Deer Park Monastery (August, 2021) (Class # 17) The Third Noble Truth Can be Called the Truth of Happiness https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TfFvGsmMcKU

A Little Christmas Miracle

 

Do not be willing to let anything that happens in life be important enough to close your heart over.

Michael Singer

Awe!  What a lovely day.  I feel so completely blessed right now.  I had all my children and their children under one roof last night and it was just soooo nice!  I sat on the couch with all three grandchildren at one time and thought to myself: How does it get any better than this? My heart was opened...way, way open and all the other less than positive feelings I had been watering...the kind that closes hearts ...were pushed aside by these positive feelings of peace, joy, love and abundance. 

The Closing of a Heart Grinch Size

Since Christmas,  I found myself stewing a bit in resentment and frustration ...looking to place responsibility for that onto others, building story, clinging...just so I could rationalize the watering of  these feelings. I was thinking about the money I spent, and the money spent on me on gifts that seemed way too extravagant and unnecessary....so much so I could not appreciate them...at all. I couldn't even pick them up to have a good look at them. I was thinking about how challenging it is for me to get all my children together at the same time. I had purposefully planned to cook on boxing day as to not interfere with the plans of others to go to other places on Christmas.  I was informed some would not make it.  I was just left with a sickening feeling and it triggered some suppressed and repressed emotions...some knots...some samskaras... and all this stuff started to seep out of me .  My heart was closing . I was not nice to be around. I watched it all go down.

The Opening of a Heart Cindy Lou Size

At some point, I said enough is enough. I am going to transform these difficult emotions into something peaceful.  To begin the transformation, I laid myself down yesterday and did a Yoga Nidra practice. I could feel my body letting go and releasing some of this stuff.  It was lovely.  I then  got up from that, put away my expectations and my attachments to this idea of Christmas and how others should be in it.  I made a big supper and sent out the reminder to everyone that if they can make it great.  If they can't, that's okay too. I decided to focus on the moment and just how good it feels to be able to prepare a meal for whoever would be here to eat it...the peeling of vegetables, the cooking of a turkey ( yes I cook meat for my family even though I don't eat it...and I do my best to make sure almost every bit of it gets eaten so that the young turkey's life was not wasted.) , and the making of a favorite dessert. I cleaned up a bit in an easy no pressure way. I got myself ready...and when the time came those who was not expecting showed up and the house was full, the meal was eaten and appreciated ( thanks young turkey!).  My house was full of happy voices and I realized my heart was wide open.  

So I feel blessed! This is what being rich is all about.  Man I am so very rich! I may not be able to pay the mortgage next month but ... I am rich! 

A Christmas Miracle

And I am so grateful for this Christmas miracle...the opening of my heart.   The miracle  here isn't that a turn of pleasant circumstances opened my heart but that the intention to keep my heart open led to a very pleasing experience. So blessed!! 

All is well!

Christmas Everyday?

 Peace on earth will come to stay when we live Christmas everyday.

Helen Steiner Rice

Merry Christmas!  I want to wish you that every day of the year.  I want you to realize that which we seek so desperately in this version of Christmas we created...every single day of the year. So if I have to keep  a tree up all year and sing you Christmas carols in order for you to realize  this elusive, sought after "experience" , maybe that would be worthwhile?

Huh?  What the heck are you talking about crazy lady?  I thought you didn't like Christmas?

Hungering for the Experience Christmas is 'Supposed' to Provide

It is not that I don't like Christmas. In fact, I hunger for that "experience' we seek from it, more than most do.  I have just come to realize that "this thing we are looking for in Christmas"  is not necessarily found on this one  day of the year so expertly allotted for it.  Christmas' is just an idea...you get that right? What have we, as a culture done to this "idea" of Christmas? I mean...by all means ...find a day out of the year to celebrate the teachings of one of the greatest beings that ever walked the planet.  ( I am going to get in trouble for saying "one of"...aren't I?) . Celebrate His birth and live the greatest message he shared: "Peace"...but we do need to examine how we are doing that. 

The Pressure to Be Jolly

Every year I see that more and more...this pressure to keep up with the collective expectation...the desperate seeking for a moment of this "peace" during the hectic , busy time it has become.  I get caught up in it....pulled along by expectation and sometimes I am even the one pulling others along with my expectations. I do have moments of  joy ...I do...I love the warm lights and decorations, sweet memories the traditions induce, being with my loved ones, and seeing the happy, excited faces of  children. I feel myself, at those times,  opening up a bit more so this peace that is in all of us can come through. 

It doesn't last though and then I think there is something wrong with me. I spend many more moments over the holiday though...rushing, caught up in "busy, unmindful doing", worried that I may offend someone with not getting them a gift or not getting the right gift or not being fair n my distribution of wealth ( that's a joke lol)...trying to get all my family together under one roof for a meal.  I find myself stressed and literally, though I don't want to admit it out loud, waiting for December 27th to come.  I believe, when I realize this in me, that  I  am lacking in Christmas spirit and therefore I am defective.  How many people feel this way, I wonder.  I do know that this season has one of the highest suicide rates, slips in  addicts and  loneliness. Why do you think that is?

Peace is Beyond Attachment and Expectation

 I realize, so clearly now, it isn't the season or the traditions or the getting together that brings me these momentary glimpses of peace...if I am lucky enough to get them. Christmas is a celebration of Christ. Christ taught that peace is within us and cannot be found in the external world.  What we have culturally done with this time of year does not honor Him or His teachings! It doesn't represent "Peace!" We want that peace but  this deep  human hunger  has been so manipulated, habituated, exploited  and used over the years  for the purpose of the collective ego. ...as a means to control our beliefs, our spending, our commercialism.   This peace He taught about and was born to share...is not "out there".  It is not in the stores or under the tree.  It isn't in the stockings hung by the chimney with care. It isn't in the Christmas Carols or the traditions passed down from generation to generation. It isn't in the stories, the  movies we watch or the lights we put on our houses.  It isn't even in that splurge of generosity we feel  as we say Merry Christmas to strangers and plop a few bucks into a kettle.  Those are all sweet and harmless and perfectly okay. ..wholesome even...but our "attachment" to them and our "expectation" for this day is not wholesome.  It does not bring peace. It represents our culturally conditioned way of being in this world: seek outside for happiness, cling, attach, overspend, overindulge, numb etc etc

The peace Christmas is supposed to give us, to quench a thirst most of us are not even aware we have, is in us already...and what the collective mind has done with this  season...takes us farther away from it rather than closer to it.   There is nothing wrong with Christmas but our expectations and our attachment to this "idea" of it will not serve us.  Sure...we can feel peace at Christmas and what a wonderful thing that is if we do but this peace we seek is not reserved for this day only.  We can feel it everyday...if we just stop looking out there for something that is already in us.  If we keep our hearts open we can bring joy to the world every single day of the entire year.

So I have no problem with Christmas...just with what we do with it.  The only gift of value is peace...and I can't wrap that for you and put it under your tree. You won't find it there. It is already in you. When you are ready to unwrap the world ego provides, you will find it there.

So Merry Christmas...today and everyday!

All is well. 

Feeling Peaceful

 

If you want to be a voice for peace in the world, begin by making peace a permanent condition in your own life. 

Wayne Dyer

(This is what I am seeing as I look out my window...minus my old girl.  She is still around, just not in form.) 

It is beautiful outside my window right now...a perfect winter scene on the first full day of winter. (Winter solstice was yesterday at noon).  It is just lovely.  I am full of peace right now...tapping into that peace that is always there but that I somehow too often feel disconnected from.  Why am I feeling peace now? 

• Feeling a bit of relief.  I did get my booster yesterday and as with the second vaccine my immune reaction to it was a little intense. ( I attribute that to stress , more so than I would the vaccine or there being something wrong with my immune system.  I have been stressed and exhausted for months and months now...held together by the magical threads of yoga and meditation and by the  practice that I weave through my day...but stressed just the same.  When I have this intense immune response , I realize, once again the effect of prolonged stress on the human body.  I use it as a bell to bring me to my senses...time to relax and slow down. All good. I took  a couple of Tylenol to break the fever and I feel much better now.
• A Yoga Nidra Practice.  Wow!  I forgot how wonderful it is to relax deeply like that.  They say a 30 minute Yoga Nidra practice is equivalent to four hours of sleep.  I got up very refreshed from that session.
• This sense that I don't have to go anywhere or do anything today...because of how I physically feel and because  of the weather I put aside any pressure to do. ..to get there in that busy, chaotic energy of a commercialized Christmas.  I may wrap and finish some knitting but that's all I will be doing in the Christmas department. 
• A nice dharma talk I listened to that helped me to realize that I am really understanding this stuff and making it a part of my writing, teaching, daily life. 
• Gratitude...just feel grateful for what I have right here, right now.  Gratitude is a sure ticket to peace.
• Mostly, I am feeling peace  right now, becasue I choose to. I choose to let go of the unwholesome tendency to push away and I accept and allow what is. 

Anyway...it is all good!

All is well in my world.

Vaccinate the World

 Remember we are all one family living on this earth, even when our ego- mind tries to convince us otherwise. 

Rebecca Jones

Hmm!  I am in a bit of an ethical dilemma.  I am booked for my third vaccine tonight.  I thought when I booked it, I was doing the "right" thing, that I was being socially conscious and proactive in helping to prevent the transmission of this virus.  I didn't really contemplate this action, so convinced was I of it being the right thing to do.  I didn't look into the science behind this .  I dismissed the thought in my head, "How does a third vaccine really help in the long run? It really doesn't make sense to me."  Told myself, if  it is being encouraged by public health officials, I will pull up my sleeve and get another shot."

Then I thought, just for an instant, "Man...isn't it wonderful, living in a time where we can get so easily vaccinated and have the means to put an end to a pandemic?"   I never thought further than that.

That is until I proudly told a public health nurse, whose opinion I greatly trust, that I was getting my booster .  She just nodded her head but she was definitely not all "Oh that's great!" as I thought she would be. 

I asked her, fearing her answer, "Do you have yours?' 

To which she answered, "No.  I won't get a third vaccine until most people in Africa have their first. I would not have gotten my second until then, but because I work as a nurse I needed it. "

I looked at her, not quite understanding what she meant and she explained something I would have discovered for myself if I took the time to be more conscious and concerned, to see beyond my own little spot on the globe. She informed me that only 10 % of Africans ( not talking about South Africa) have their first vaccine. 

Here we are in North America...pushing for a third booster that we are not even sure has any effect (you cannot rely on the studies down by the pharmaceutical companies that are producing and profiting from the vaccines)  and there are millions of people being affected by COVID 19 in Africa because they can't get their first vaccine.  Of course, it is more challenging to vaccinate such a huge continent that is more rural than urban, with temperatures that make sustaining the vaccines viability very challenging until it gets into arms...but man...what the heck are we doing?  

What Are We Doing? An Ethical Question

We are triple vaccinating  a select few adults in geographically selected  areas while many, many more, in other areas on the globe, are dying becasue they can't get their first .  We are even vaccinating children here...a population who do not get sick with COVID.  Why? To prevent transmission to adults who do.  Does that make sense? Is that even ethical?   We are producing and distributing enough vaccine unnecessarily, as a luxury,  in our selected communities that could initially vaccinate those who really need it elsewhere. Is that fair?

And is it helpful?  

This is a pandemic...meaning the whole world is affected. Sure there is this instinct to protect ourselves nationally first.  I can understand that to a small degree.  But we do not have walls around our better off countries that prevent the virus from getting through.  We are not living in bubbles. What is going on in Africa, will make its way here, as we have seen with Omicron. That is how pandemics work. In order to put an end to this pandemic, the whole world needs to be vaccinated. ...not just our individual little communities, countries, continents. And viruses being very, very adaptable and intent on surviving will mutate and mutate and mutate until they are eradicated. That is the nature of a virus. Omicron is not going to be the last strain we encounter , if we continue to hide in our national shells. If the world does not get more vaccinated...there will be another strain, and another and another.  This pandemic will go on and on. It is time to stick our necks out and see the need for change in our approach. 

Easier to Remain Unconscious

It was my hope and my assumption from the beginning  that someone, somewhere was looking after our third world countries, ensuring that the vaccines were getting there and into arms.  I understood the challenges but I thought...somehow, in someway, the whole world will get their first vaccine and then we will focus on getting the second into arms.  When the second came, I didn't check in to make sure that Africans had their first. I wanted to believe they did or at least they were on their way to getting it.  So I rolled up my sleeve for my second.  And when the "booster" was being encouraged I signed up...again...not thinking clearly  of others I share this planet with. 

Now I feel so guilty...I don't want to have a third vaccine that someone in some rural village in Africa desperately needs. I wanted to get vaccinated to make this pandemic better, not worse.  

Not Telling Anyone Not To Get Their Booster.

Whether or not we get our booster, is not the real issue here. This Public Health Nurse strongly, strongly encouraged me to get my booster, now that it is booked.   She explained how many vaccines  get wasted and thrown out because of cancellations or no shows. Imagine? The real issue is in our awareness. We need to be more aware of our inter connectedness with all beings on this planet! 

All this reminds me of this economic disparity that exists.  There is enough food to feed the world...yet so many starve to death while others eat to the point of gluttony and obesity. There is enough vaccines to vaccinate the whole world, yet here are some of us going for number three while others go without. And we are still wasting what others hunger for.

Hmm! I will go because I do not want to waste but I cannot go without first sharing with others what I sadly learned last night.  We need to vaccinate the world we are all a part of.  Even beyond the vaccination, we need to see beyond our isolated communities to the world at large...realize our inescapable  connection with one and other .  We are all one family living on this earth. 

All is well. 

Calming the Mind's Wind

 The mind is like water.  When it is turbulent, it is difficult to see.  When it is calm, everything becomes clearer. 

The Buddha

I rode a mental wave today.. a big one from trough to crest and then to trough.  I actually rode a few waves... because the world beneath "me"  seemed to become quite turbulent. In a five hour time span, I was made aware, one by one,  how each of the five adult children in my life( including my stepson)  were getting seemingly swept away by their reactions to Life.  They each called me in to their experiences in one way or another.    I am not a strong swimmer and do not do well in choppy water but I will certainly dive in if I feel I can help save someone from drowning. So I dove in...and there I was for a good portion of my morning struggling to  stay afloat.

My mind, of course, was the wind that made the water ripple. ...into a very challenging current  to swim. There was the struggles of my significant others  made obvious to me...and there was my painful reaction to this information and observation.  I kept telling myself, as each obvious issue came to my attention, "This is not the problem.  It is just Life.  What my mind does with this information, will determine if there is a problem or not." And my windy mind was determined to give me a real swimming challenge.

My heart breaks, as a Mom, to see those I love hurting in the ways I see them hurting, especially when I know that I can do so little. They each must take the reins and direct their own minds and bodies  away from those paths that lead to suffering.  I am basically helpless in doing anything but offering my presence, or possibly pointing a finger to a direction "I believe" would be beneficial and watch and wait for them to do what they need to do.  It is very challenging to do that  and I just want to fix it all for them or curl up and away from that pain...but I know that neither would give them what they truly need...an opportunity to heal and grow their way.  It won't give me what I need either...the learned ability to ride each wave Life presents without going under. 

"And this too", I whispered to myself, "this too is Life." I stood back and I watched the waves of life circumstance and the waves of my mind...trough, crest and fall; trough, crest and fall; trough, crest and fall...over and over and over again. Each circumstance crested and then fell and dissolved as I watched.  Though, I thought I had to "act" on each one of them...and was  feeling so overwhelmed as to how I would do that, I discovered that all I had to do was watch as most of them rose and fell away from needing my intervention. I did act on some...but most, even after as I was getting ready to go to some in order to intervene...just dissolved away on their own.

This is what Life does with all the things that unfold in front of us.... it appears, it crests, it troughs and then whatever wave it came in is gone so the other wave can come in and do the same.  Our minds are like the winds...that react to the observation of these waves with our clinging, craving and aversion.  ...with our grasping or resisting the wave arrival in our mind's eye....they make the water more turbulent than it has to be.

Don't allow your windy mind to make the water choppier...just watch the unfolding of each wave.  Sure, we will be called to act from time to time...but it is so important that we calm the mind first.

All is well in my world.

 

The Mission to Transform

 

Awareness is like the sun. When it is shined on things, they are transformed. 

Thich Nhat Hanh

I asked for this...whatever I am experiencing in this waking up process: all the confusion mixed in with the new found clarity, the challenges, the struggles and the somewhat painful stripping away of all that I clung to ( including my beliefs) .  I asked for this and I , despite my being slapped in the face by the reality that suffering exists when I do, continue to ask for it everyday. 

I pray before I meditate: "Help me to awaken so I can help others to awaken..." 

Huh? Why am I asking this??? What is wrong with me? 

And I don't know why I ask, and why I practice or why I think that "I" , in this aging form and less than perfect mind..., has any "right" or "ability" to help myself transform suffering, let alone help another living being on this planet do the same.  Who do I think I am? What do I know? Who am I? 

It doesn't make a lick of sense to me most of the time. Yet, here I am.  I just feel the need to do so, so viscerally,  I know I will experience more pain if I don't continue on this path than I ever will if I do. I  feel compelled. It is a pull much bigger than "me" that brings me here everyday, that brings me to these teachings that I study as if I was studying for the MCATs or  LSATS, to my studio or to my cushion.  This  mission to awaken into awareness and its practice has become the most important part of my life. 

I never in my wildest dreams, imagined myself here, where I am now, at this point in my life: retired early, absent of all professional titles,  broke as s%^&, spending every morning practicing and writing what I write here. It is all so bizarre.  Yet, here I am.

And Life responds by unfolding in front of me with  one lesson after the other.  I mean...Life is not that personal...she is not just unfolding for my purpose lol...but with lessons for all of us...it is just that I , lacking in so much of my previous defenses, am running smack dab into these lessons, unprotected.  I am absorbing them and observing myself responding ( or reacting...I still react more than I respond). It freaking stings like the dickens but I realize that  is the way I learn. 

I choose to learn.  I choose not to run or hide anymore, but to make my way through to the other side of this confusion.  I chose awareness.

This learning or awakening has little to nothing to do with "knowledge I pick up from others" , no matter how wonderful these teachers may be and how they point me in the right direction. True learning does not come from concepts, teachings, religions or ideologies, though they all can be very helpful pointers.  True learning is derived from observing the mind and how it responds to Life.

That is all that I am doing...observing the nature of the human mind by observing my own. 

Hmm! Anyway..it is what it is! 

All is well. 

Surrendering When You cannot Escape

 Five Thing to Remember:

• We will all grow old.  It is natural for our bodies to age.There is no escaping the aging process.
• We will all get sick.  It is natural for bodies to get sick and breakdown from time to time. There is no escaping illness. 
• We will all die. It is natural for our  bodies  to expire at a certain point. There is no escaping death.
• We will all lose the things we cherish and cling to today. All things are, by nature, impermanent. There is no escaping change. 
• The only thing any of us will ever  truly own is our actions. Cause and effect is a natural phenomenon. There is no escaping the consequences of our action. 

As paraphrased from the video below.

Thrashing around in a small cage is bound to hurt  the person who perceives imprisonment. It can also cause so much injury, making the situation worse.  When we stop thrashing, stop resisting the reality around us and just sit where we are, we begin to see just how much space there really  is this cell and we also notice that the door was never locked. 

So many of us are constantly struggling and attempting to escape the reality of being human, and this only causes more suffering.

We need to surrender to escape. Surrendering and letting go to the realities of Life  is not morbid and pessimistic. It is liberating and freeing.  These realities do no cause our suffering, resisting the truth  of them does.

All is well. 

Thay Ngo Knong ( Brother Freedom)/ Deer Park Monastery (April, 2021) The Art of Letting Go. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYjJp3KqKBA

 

Letting Go

 If we let go of the life we planned, we can discover the life that is waiting for us.

Brother Freedom

Bear With Care

 

Dare to Bear With Care

Brother Freedom

My eye is sore today.  The flashing is getting worse. It has been bothering me for a while and I know I need to re-access the system in order to do that.  The thought of doing this leads to an "unpleasant feeling" and a well established aversion tendency in me. 

I mean...the reality of what needs to be done is so simple. I only have to access the system on the periphery of allopathic medicine, not dive right in. All I have to do is call another optometrist somewhere and say..." having issues with an eye and just need a second opinion,  do you mind having a look at my retina?" I am going to have to pay for it...That's okay....vision  health is something one can find money somewhere for...you know? It is really no sweat off the optometrist's  backs either. They are going to get paid directly  for their service. They just have to look...tell me that it is nothing more than  a bit of astigmatism and dry eye...and I am on my way. Or...maybe, they will tell me it is a retinal issue, possibly a slow detaching...and they refer me to ophthalmology and  we get it fixed.  My brother had the procedure done twice without any visual loss. No big deal.

An Unpleasant Story

What is the big deal for me, is the story my mind creates around the accessing of this system.  This story is a collection of past memories and experiences that are stuck within me. I try to keep them down but with the mere thought of having to "go back in" they resurface. 

I have never been overly worried about anything my body ever did or refused to do. I may have known because of my nursing background  that something probably should be done about this or that...that I should at least get this or that checked...but I never really worried about my health as much as it is believed I did.  I have  always been more concerned about being believed so this assumption  about me....  being a "hypochondriac" or "overly nervous and worried about my health" or a "depressed or mentally ill"  person who was having a "conversion" type of response....or  someone with "Fat Folder syndrome" ...or an "attention seeker" or a "liar",(Man I heard it all)...would not stand in the way of me getting treatment for what I (or my family) was presenting with.  I perceived a problem in the  having to deal with the knowing something abnormal was happening with my body that needed some form of treatment, as minor as it may have been,   but instead of just getting a straight out diagnosis and treatment I much, much too often, got lectures, and waits, and shaming, and more waits, and dismissals, and more waits, and passed on from one person to the next ( with this assumption attached to my chart  like a label on my forehead.)  and told on several different occasions that I was 'lying"...and costing the system money with my health seeking. It was very, very unpleasant!  So unpleasant...that the pleasant experiences of dealing with  the many people who could see past the assumption compassionately and supportively...were overshadowed by the negative. And now ...here I am ...wanting to get a second opinion(well more like a first opinion..the other didn't think it was necessary to look in my retina. In all fairness to this professional, I didn't have the flashing then ...just the pressure)...that requires a bit more than reentering...that requires stepping on the toes that do the assuming. 

A Stuffed Pain Experience Resurfacing From the Basement

Wow!  I wasn't going to write about this today...not at all.  This whole idea of "having to health seek' is something I just want to avoid. I want to continue to push down the memories of these experiences so deep inside me I don't feel the pain, the shame, the fear. Just thinking about having to make a call triggers such a great amount of the "unpleasant" in me  leading to intense resisting and aversion.  My belly is in knots right now just because I wrote..."I know I need to re-access the system..." 

I guess, though this topic does, in some indirect way, go with what I intended to write about today...more on dealing with our attachments and aversions.

Face Don't Run

In a talk by Brother Freedom, we are reminded that  we need to face our suffering, to look deeply within at those  unpleasant things we may wish to run  or avoid dealing with.  When we look out at the external world we may experience something that brings, or as in this case, triggers unpleasant feelings and therefore leads to the habitual tendency of aversion. Even though we think we are avoiding or running from this feeling when we resist it, we are actually just storing it in our psyches.  It doesn't go away...we just hid it in the basement and we do our best to pretend it is not there by distracting with something that creates a pleasant feeling. 

What I need to keep reminding  myself is that I only live half a life when I find myself attached to the pleasant and resisting the unpleasant.  They go together.  We cannot have light without casting a shadow.  These shadows are just as worthy of our attention, our compassion and our care as the light is. . . 

The Neutral Parent

Brother Freedom tells us to look at the unpleasant and the pleasant as two toddlers we are holding.  Pleasant, is in one hand and unpleasant is in the other.  As a mother of twins, I actually know what that feels like to be walking along with a child in one hand wanting to go up there to something pleasant and another child in the other retreating back because to her it is unpleasant. As a mom, I had to hear and meet the needs of both of these children...I had to find a neutral space. But we do not tend to treat our experiences in this neutral space, do we? What we tend to do, as we move through life, is neglect, push away, ignore and avoid the so called  negative ...that which we deem as unpleasant.  We stuff our shame, our fear, our anger, our despair etc because we judge  these as unpleasant.. Would you do that with one of your children? 

Allowing the Pain to Surface

We need to call the unpleasant emotions and experiences out of the basement and ask them to sit beside us. We bring them from the shadows and into the light. We need to put our arm around them and say, "Hey fear and shame related to my health seeking...I know I tried to stuff you in the basement...to ignore you and pretend you didn't exist because thinking of you was so painful.  Even when you temper tantrumed or screamed at me to get my attention I would still try my best to pretend you were not there.  That is not fair... you deserve to be up here with me, just as much as peace and joy do.  We are all in this together. What would you like to say?  " 

This is daring to bare pain with care. 

And until we do that we will be going around in circles between attachment and aversion and these feelings will not do what they were meant to do...arise and then dissolve. Pain feelings  just gets stuffed inside, when we repress and suppress. They will keep getting poked whenever we are faced with the triggers the external environment is sure to provide.  I don't want to feel this way every time my body does something that may require attention from an expert.  Man...I am getting older...things are going to be breaking down more and more.  I need to sit with these feelings...allow them to speak and be heard (as was just have done on this page) .  I need to treat them with the same concern and care as I would  my happy child and wait for them to mature enough to want to leave my home on their own accord. 

Hmm! All is well! 

Excuse my citation...cannot seem to find the link for that  video

Brother Freedom at Deer Park. December 12, 2021.  Being Peace

Shining the Light on Craving

 

It would be illuminating to see how and when occasional desires strengthen into deeper habit patterns of wanting.  

Joseph Goldstein (2016) Mindfulness a Practical Guide to Awakening. Boulder: Sounds True, page 302

Hmmm! I would like to apply the idea of craving as the possible  source of all our suffering to two silly practical world examples that I have recently observed in my own experience.

Cup Cake Craving

I bake muffins and cupcakes and I usually make a couple dozen at a time.  I like to watch how quickly  these go.  Not just because I want my ego to get all big and inflamed when they go fast...like I did something special by baking something everyone likes ...but because I get to watch the habit minds around me and in me in action. 

Sugar is a drug many of us crave

 Okay, sometimes I make very nutritious, maybe less than sugary, muffins that are tasty but not great when one is having a sugar craving. They don't go so fast.  I also make sugary treats that lack in nutritional value and depending on the kind...they can go very, very fast. Sometimes the whole two dozen can disappear  in an evening and there is only three of us living upstairs.  My chocolate chip banana muffins and my pumpkin spice go a lot faster than my blueberry bran lol. 

Where does the "craving" part of this baking come in , crazy lady? 

A lot of time it is the presumed problem of the  absence of having such a treat in the house while I am or someone else is  experiencing a so called craving and desire for sugar, that leads me to whip out the mixing bowls and muffin tins. 

"I will fix the problem," I tell myself and others . "I will bake and create that which we are lacking in our need  to feed our desire, put an end to our craving, and fill in this 'lack of' pain we are  experiencing." I bake two dozen muffins or cupcakes and I set them out on the counter.  

Watching Habit Mind In Action

Most recently, I got in the habit of watching how quickly they disappear and I try to determine who seems to be "desiring" and "needing fulfillment" the most. I often tell myself that one of the reasons this present  living situation is so challenging for me is because there is no escaping  the energy of the extreme versions of habit mind I observe in others. I tell myself  that because I am constantly witnessing someone else's need for instant gratification in their recovery from the consequences of extreme habit mind, this is interfering with my own Chi, and  my own path  toward non craving. It is true... that though I understand the so called "greed and selfish tendencies" that come with this very early recovery stage, ...witnessing it in this other triggers an aversion in me.  I don't like it and I tell myself I don't want  that extreme craving energy around me or in my home.  Hmmm!  Pretty judgmental eh? I find myself wondering, how much craving does this other still succumb to, to  justify such a reaction in me?  Sugar is often used as a substitute for other things. Thus my observing how fast these muffins go. I, shamefully,  find myself watching and counting how many muffins are taken. 

What exactly is being craved...the "wholesome" or the "unwholesome". 

I also very reluctantly tell myself, if I am going to observe the habit mind in others, I first and foremost must observe it in myself. I need to observe, not only my own craving around these muffins and cupcakes, but my craving for a need to justify my aversion to this present set of circumstances I find myself in. I have a desire to prove to myself and others that there is a reason why I want and need my situation to change...why I desire something different. I know this craving is not wholesome. 

Extremes: Back to the Cup Cakes

One muffin, one cupcake should be enough to fill the sugar hole within us, you would think, right? Sometimes I watch this individual make several trips out to the counter grabbing a couple of muffins at a time until maybe he has eaten a dozen in one evening...and sometimes there seems to be no concern to what is left behind for others. I hear myself saying to myself, "See...this is what is bothering you. This greed! This selfishness!"  I feel somewhat justified in my pushing for change. 

To my own surprise and horror, however,  I observed last night, that it was I that went back to the muffin tray...four times.  Four muffins in one hour! I rationalized by saying, "Hey...they were smaller than normal muffins" but still , if I am being honest, I observed my own extreme craving tendency...my own "addict potential"in that behaviour.  I was not so different from the others I was watching and judging.  This individual, on the other hand,  only took two. I realized  then that in  my craving for these muffins and my giving into that craving, I was attempting to stuff the pain associated with all the suffering I am witnessing around me and I was trying to stuff my own aversion tendency.  I was craving something "external" and using it to put an end to my own pain. "Not having sugar in the house", the other person's behavioral choices, and my living situation was not the problem. My own craving...my looking out there for change and solution because I was resisting what is...was the problem. My own habit mind was the problem. The muffins were not going to fix that!

Action Required

To curb the tendency for any of us to succumb to our cravings and eat all the muffins at once I decided to freeze the remainder.  That way, if any of us habit minded individuals wanted a muffin, the gratification of that which we craved would not be immediate.  We would have to take the muffins out of the freezer and thaw them first. Do we really want the muffin that much?  For most addict minded individuals who want what they want now...this delay in the process of receiving gratification can give them space to detach from their desire, to question, "Do I really want this? Is this wholesome?  Or am I operating just from habit mind?" It will also give us time to observe how desires, like everything else in this world, just come and go.  Desire will go.  We do not have to feed it to make it go away. Delaying gratification  is a great practice for both the recovering addict in my home and for me:  the addict waiting to happen. 

"Addict Waiting to Happen?  Aren't you being a little extreme? "

No...I believe we are all addicts waiting to happen.  As long as our focus is on gratifying our desires...we are all potential addicts.  Let me give you another example:

Craving a Glass of Wine

I like the experience of drinking a glass of wine.  I like the taste of a good wine.  I like the feel of the glass in my hand.  I like the shared connection I feel with others who are having a glass with me (it is a social experience for me). I like the way it makes me feel ...for the hour it takes me to drink it, I feel very mindful. I relax and open up. Yes, I like to have a glass of wine and maybe once a month I may have a glass and sometimes even two glasses. Most people would say...that is not a problem, at all! 

Yet, something within me always quietly whispers when I pour that glass or think about pouring that glass...to be careful.  It reminds me that I am an addict waiting to happen...and though there is no problem in the wine itself...there may be a problem in the craving it. There may be a problem with  why I want the wine and how much the thought of that wine and what it could potentially give me could disturb my peaceful center.

I had a bottle in the fridge for two weeks.  I thought about it last week, off and on, and found myself saying, "Hmmm! It will be nice to have a glass of wine this weekend."  The more hectic and chaotic the circumstances around me seemed, the more I looked forward to that glass of wine.  The weekend came and I felt like I would soon be fulfilled.  I turned to my partner on Saturday night and asked him if he wanted a glass of wine.  He didn't.  He wanted a hot Toddy instead.  So I thought to myself. I am not going to open a bottle just for me.  I will make both of us a toddy and save the wine for next week .  I heard myself rationalizing, "whatever is in the wine is in the toddy...I will just be forgoing on the "wine experience"but still getting the essence of the  drink ( they don't call it "spirits" for nothing lol) ".  I drank the hot toddy but really did not enjoy it.

This week I thought, off and on, about having a glass of wine last night.  Evening  came and I turned to my partner and asked him if he wanted a glass. He said yes and my heart skipped. "Great!" I said cause I really wanted a glass of wine.  I was, all week, thinking about the suffering of others, feeling some internal pain and anx and I had this idea that while I sipped on that wine...and had that relaxing, mindful experience I get, it would all go away.  I could truly shut it all out and relax. I would find the peace I am always looking for. 

So I poured us a glass, me a little bit more than my partner, and I sat down to enjoy it.  It was a lovely wine. I really liked the taste, the feel of the chilled glass in my hand, the fact that my partner was having a glass with me.  I was enjoying the experience.  Halfway through his glass, my partner put it down and decided he wanted to go to bed.  I was like "What? You cannot leave me now.  I was waiting for this moment all week. ...for two weeks actually." 

He went to bed and I sat there,sipping on my wine feeling rather dejected.  Then I looked over at the remainder in his glass.  The little voice came back...and it was not judging me or attempting to make me feel guilty...it was just pointing out what was going on. "You are very attached to this wine experience, aren't you?" It said. "You are getting a bit consumed with a craving.  You are attempting to use something external to momentarily make things better inside for you but you know that it is not how it works."

 I  listened to this wisdom.  I heard it. I agreed with it. It sunk in and I knew I had a decision to make.  Do you know what I did? 

I reached over, picked up my partner's glass and poured it in my own.  I sat there and drank the wine  while I watched Chocolate School on Netflix. I was completely aware and conscious, listening to my higher Self and I still made a conscious decision to drink. This, the same night, I gave into eating four muffins...a night when I was on the watch out for the addictive tendencies  in others. 

It was a night I let craving win. Wow!...a lot of learning there. 

I walk away from these two experiences realizing how subtle and at the same time how powerful craving can be. Yes...I can see how it can easily lead to greater issues than eating a few too many muffins or drinking one and a half glasses of wine on a Saturday night.  

The wise voice withing me is absolutely right. We do have to be careful! I have to be careful whenever craving is around. 

All is well. 

Driving in Neutral

The great way is not difficult for those who have no preferences. When attachment and aversion are both absent, the way is clear and undisguised. Make the smallest distinction, however, and heaven and earth are set infinitely apart.

On the Faith of Mind by The Third Zen Ancestor

Yesterday was the anniversary of my father's passing, six years ago. I always get a bit nostalgic around this time.  I am actually wearing a pair of his old wool socks. I  have inherited a lot of his traits including poor circulation to the feet and hands lol. So the socks are a nice, practical way to remember him. 

Anyway, all is well.

More on Clinging/Attachment and Aversion 

Thinking of what I have been writing about in the last few entries about how we are conditioned to cling to that which we assume will bring pleasant feelings, and how we learn to push away ( by resisting, suppressing, repressing, avoiding, distracting, numbing etc) that which we assume will bring unpleasant feelings.  As I was meditating today, the sentence came to mind " Choose to drive in neutral!" It immediately dawned on me what this meant.

"Choose to drive in Neutral!" 

When we are craving and seeking to cling...it is like we are driving a car with the  gear in drive or even overdrive.  We are looking to get to some desired destination in front of us very fast.  When we are resisting or lost in aversion...it is like we have our gear in reverse.  We want to back away and retreat.  We are always shifting our psyches and therefore our behavioral choices.  We are constantly   going forward and then backing up...forward, and back, forward and back. We really are not getting anywhere with this constant shifting.

Well according to Buddhist teaching, besides Drive and Reverse, there is another option on our feeling and reactivity gear shift and that is Neutral.  We can shift our vehicles( body and mind) into Neutral.

Say what crazy lady?  We can't go anywhere in Neutral? 

The only time most of us shift our gears into Neutral is when we are stuck in something, broken down  or when we run out of gas.  At those times we shift our gears and depend on someone or something  to pull or push us  to our destination. Right?

Not Getting Anywhere in Drive or Reverse

Well, aren't most of us stuck now?  Aren't most of us broken in some way or drained of our energy fuel because of this constant craving and resisting our psyches have us doing? ? Are you getting any closer to your destination by constantly switching from Drive to Reverse? No...I guess your present habitual tendencies of reacting to Life are not getting you very far.  And that is what you are doing...reacting.  Life hands you something, it touches something inside you, and you judge it as potentially pleasant making or unpleasant making.  If it is pleasant you want more of it...you drive forward.  If it is unpleasant, you want less of it.  You drive backwards. You are probably going into reverse just as much as you are going forward....all because of these feelings of pleasant and unpleasant. That is fatiguing and crazy making and it gets you nowhere. 

Trying to Control the Drive

Hmm!  You are also trying o control this drive, this journey, as if you know better where you should be going and what you should be doing than Life does.

Now...it is true when you shift into Neutral...you have little control over the drive. You have  to do a lot of coasting and maybe even have to be pushed along by external forces.  Sometimes you don't go anywhere ...but there is no strain...no craving and clinging to the pleasant...no resisting or pushing or backing away from the unpleasant. You are not reacting!  There is just you and Life's road.  You are allowing Life to do the driving and you observe, participate and allow yourself to be carried.  You can still steer but it is not all about you. 

Though it seems counter-intuitive, we will probably get to where we are going a lot quicker and a lot more enjoyably this way...than if we are constantly shifting gears back and forth, exhausting ourselves and driving ourselves crazy in the process.

This is equanimity or what Lao Tzu called the middle way.   This will bring you to where you truly want to go...to the quiet peaceful center of Self.  The Neutral experience is a much easier ride through Life.  

All is well! 

Samtusta

 Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.

Lao Tzu

The cause of suffering

I am still pondering the idea of craving and resistance to what is as the source of all our suffering. I am thinking about how we, as a collective, are conditioned to seek "out there"  for that which will bring the pleasant within us and that which will keep the unpleasant out of what we believe are our personal lives. All this grasping, clinging or pushing away will not solve our so called problems or give us what we are seeking.  With each thing we get, we are happy for a moment, relieved from pain for a moment, but it doesn't last. We get that, right? Yet, the craving and resistance will not stop until we do.  

We believe that the "not having" the things that we assume will  bring relief from pain, or that will bring us closer to pleasure in the form of fulfillment, happiness and contentment is the "problem".  If we do not have enough money...that's a problem.  If we don't have enough success...that's a problem.  If we do not have enough recognition or social status...that is a problem.  If we do not live in the right house, or drive the right car...that is a problem.  If we do not have a loving partner...that is a problem.  If we don't have the same experiences everyone seems to be having on our social media pages...that is a problem.  If life isn't unfolding in front of us the way we think it "should" be...that is a problem.   If we don't feel good all the time...that is a  problem.  I can assure you...these things are not the problem.  

Nothing Out There Is the Problem; Craving Is

Nothing out there is the problem and nothing out there is the solution.  It is an internal game.  Our minds are the problem. Our thoughts, beliefs and mixed up emotions create, in many of us, a very stormy internal environment. We often feel, as separate little selves,  like we are not enough.  That we must defend and attack our way to achieving that which will make us feel okay.   That is why the Buddha said 

...I do not envision one other fetter-fettered by which beings conjoined go wandering and transmigrating for a long, long time-like the fetter of craving

Hmm! 

Samtusta

The thing is we already have all the conditions we need to be happy and free from suffering within us. We just do not  realize that because we are too busy chasing after all the so called remedies out there for our misconception of problem. We fail to feel that sense of contentment which is termed Samtusta in Sanskrit.

Contentment with what we have right here and right now is the ultimate experience really where we no longer feel the need to push away or seek and grasp. We just are. 

Samtusta at Christmas?

Of course, I am not there yet. lol.  I realize how much I still grasp and avert when Christmas comes.  Every year I say to myself : Christmas is about presence not presents. I try to steer away from the cultural conditioning in me and around me.  And every year I still give into it.  I gave into it this year and found myself online shopping .  Getting one thing for one person...than realizing it was not enough...adding another gift to that...and that meant adding another to another person's. It just kept building and building until  much money,(money...I do not have) was spent to create an appearance of thoughtful giving.  Now, I did make it a point to cut back on how much I bought and who I gave to this year. ...which hopefully will help.  I focused on making and creating...which takes time and yeah...maybe a bit of stress.  I have to start and finish my second baby blanket in 14 days.  Yikes! There are so many things I want to make and do for others but they do not have to be done before Christmas.  I will complete them one  project at a time...and hand them out throughout the new year to avoid at least some of this stress and suffering that can come with a commercialized version of Christmas. So it is better...my approach to dealing with this time of year...but I am definitely still caught up in the collective seasonal craving.

I wish that this year I could put a big parcel under the tree for everyone and when opened what they would find is just empty space and a tiny little card at the bottom that said "Samtusta". Upon reading that card, everyone would just experience absolute contentment with all they have right now. They would suddenly realize that they already have everything they need for  their own happiness within them.  Wouldn't that be the perfect gift?   

All is well.

Brother Freedom/Deer Park Monastery (Sept, 2021) Samtusta: Happy Enoughhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qT00yZXCKfU

Not the Problem

 

Craving brings pain; craving brings fear. If you do not  yield to  craving you will be free from  pain and fear.

The Buddha

Relieving Pain

So you have a belly ache that you are holding back lamenting about to your friend. You are curling forward into a little ball with a clenched fist to your abdomen. 

Your friend, concerned, asks,"What's wrong?" 

"Life sucks right now. Gut's hurting cuz I ran out of Pepto Bismuth."

"That's not good man.  I will run to the store and get you some."

"That would be great. Appreciate it!"

When he comes back to you with a big bottle of the pink stuff, you gulp down a big swig and within about ten minutes you are feeling pretty good.

"All better?" your friend asks seeing the relief on your face and in your posture. 

"Yep!  Problem solved. Life is pretty good right now." You answer with a smile on your face because Life in that moment is pretty darned good. You have no pain. 

Hmm! What is wrong with this scenario? What was the cause of  your problem? The fact that you didn't have something on you that relieved pain?  Was that the real problem?  

If so...let's look at this way.

Craving

Your friend is an intravenous drug user just out of rehab where he had no drug in his system for three months.  He now has such a low  tolerance to the stuff that a hit could kill him. He wants to stay clean but also knows it would feel so very good to get high, almost like the first time. He goes back out around his friends who are using and he is suddenly overwhelmed by craving, so much so he is almost in physical pain, bending over with fist to belly when you come across him.

Concerned , you ask, "What's wrong Bud?"

" I need a hit."

"You don't have one to take?"

"No."

"Well I will go get one for you."

And you being the good friend, go out and score a hit for him.  You gather some external remedy for his pain and  bring it back just when his craving is at its peek. He takes it.

Within minutes, one way or another, you are going to see a more peaceful looking friend. If he survives it, he will likely be in bliss, on top of the world. You did good then, didn't you?  You ended the craving. You solved the problem . You ended the suffering of your friend by giving him that external thing that was missing from his life, that thing he so desperately desired, just like your friend ended your suffering by giving you what was missing from yours that could bring relief...the Pepto Bismuth. 

Did We Solve The Problem? 

Hmm! Was the real problem, you and your friend faced , the fact that  at that moment of pain and craving neither of you had the external thing that past memory told you would relieve it? Or does it go a little deeper than that?

Let's fast forward a week or two.

You have gone through the big bottle of Pepto Bismuth your friend had gotten for you because every four hours after the first swig you took,  the pain had returned and you needed another and another swig to stop the pain. You had your hands wrapped  tightly around that bottle all week in fear you would misplace it when the pain came back.  You clung to this pain relieving remedy to the point all muscles sin your hand and arm began to throb uncontrollably. And because you didn't want to put the bottle down you could only use one arm.

Your friend, if he is still alive, is now out on the street quickly building up his tolerance The blissful feeling he gets each time he uses  is never the same as that first hit he took after rehab.  He can't just seem to get there. So he is endlessly and fruitlessly seeking what he is desiring .  He is also needing a stronger and stronger dose each time and needing it more frequently  just to end the pain of craving and to avoid the pain of  withdrawal. He will do almost anything to get it. His whole body is breaking down because of his lifestyle choices. His whole life becomes about getting this thing. 

Wow!  Was the problem really solved in either case, then? Are either of those scenarios  the way we would  want to live? Do we want to spend our lives desperately clinging to a bottle of Pepto Bismul so we can avoid pain or chasing after something we can never get again that may actually kill us?

Of course not, right?  Yet this is the way most of us live  and the way most of us encourage others to live to a different degree. We spend our lives chasing after what we call a pleasant feeling and avoiding, at all costs, the unpleasant, looking to the lack of and the inability  to reach these specific things mind tells us we need as the source of our so called problems. 

Not the Problem

The first thing we need to do is get to the root of the problem.  We see that suffering exists , we know there is a cause for suffering and then we look deeply into that cause.  Hmm!

Was the lack of Pepto-bismuth the cause of the pain in the first scenario?  No, of course not.  You obviously had something going on in your gut.  Maybe an ulcer that needed to be treated.  All the Pepto Bismul did was relieve the pain temporarily. It was a band-aid solution...it did not get to the crux of the problem.  In fact, it prevented you from getting to it.  You became so dependent on the external relief you did not attempt to go in and fix the internal issue. On top of that, Pepto Bismul can make an ulcer so much worse over time. It can cause more illness and therefore more suffering in the long run. Our desperate desire to relive pain can often lead to full fledged suffering.  Your clinging to the bottle was affecting other areas of your life. 

Is your friend better off for having his desire initially  fulfilled in the second scenario? Of course not, right? We made it so much worse for him! He was clean for three months and now he is desperately craving and seeking for something he will never get again. The problem was not in his not having a hit...it went deeper, didn't it, to the fact that he felt like he needed the hit?   His addiction...his craving and habitual  seeking to use... was the real problem not being without a hit.  In fact, not-using was his only solution. 

The Problem is Craving and Resistance

When will we learn that any so called problem we have is an internal one that can never be fixed by anything out there.  Our craving and our over-resistance to pain is the problem...and that is an internal issue involving an internal solution. 

Nothing out there, be it wealth, recognition, success, the perfect partner, an over the  counter drug or a street one will solve our pain in a healthy, lasting way.  All these things, if we are lucky enough to achieve them, can relieve pain but will never take it away for long.  Nothing in the external world lasts so they are the most unreliable of remedies. 

We need to get to the root cause, our desiring, our clinging and our resistance to what is...is the real problem. We need to go there.

I am not saying don't take a swig of Pepto when you need it nor am I saying not to enjoy things that bring pleasure ( well...certainly stay away from the heroine!)...just don't see these things as the cause or the solution to your suffering. Get to the root cause.

All is well. 

Michael Singer/Sounds True July, 2021) The Michael Singer Podcast: Giving Menaing To the Time Between Your Birth and Death. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GgNZs6_GmQs

Wood

 She ran a hand over the table's top, marveling, as always, at the wood's purposeful pattern.  Its hardships and identity collaborating in such beautiful script.  One of a billion survivor manuals that no one paid heed to.  All the wooden tables and benches and boats and floors that humans had walked upon, sat upon, danced upon, polished and swept but had never read. 

From My sister's Book That I have the Privilege of Proof and Copy Reading 

My Sister's Soul

 

Earth is a place where souls come to evolve.

Michael Singer

Wow!  It is easy to get distracted...to be taken away from the present moment and into thought or activity. I sat down here hours ago with the intention of writing down a tribute to my sister because today is the 16th anniversary of her death...and I got carried away by reviewing some videos of mine that others have viewed. I had people come in to talk to me. I received emails I felt I  had to answer.  I had people coming to the door with parcels.  I had pets wanting attention or treats and this strong connection with my sister just went out of my awareness.  Out of my awareness but not gone.

So much of our Life we spend out of awareness...not truly experiencing what is right in front of.

As I was thinking of her today I came across a wonderful podcast from Michael Singer entitled, Giving Meaning to the Time Between Your Birth and Death. It seemed appropriate or reflecting on a person's life.

My sister loved Life.  She was a person who was in awe of almost every moment that unfolded in front of her. She had this fantastic laugh that made everything come alive inside you just by hearing it and she laughed often.  Even in the hard times, she always found something to laugh about. She had a tough life and it scarred her deeply but at the same time, the part of her that was beyond scarring, always shone through, you know? Even though she couldn't always see it. She did see the beauty and learning in everything, though.  She had this connection with the ethereal...this understanding of that which could not be seen.She was so much a part of it.  She would have been aligned with Michael Singer's teaching in the below video.   

My sister wasn't perfect but she was lovely, absolutely lovely! 

Hmmm! 

 I wrote this months after she died: 

Sometimes

Sometimes,

I feel you here

quietly sitting in a corner

leaning slightly into

elbows propped up on knees.

You do not speak,

do not pass on your funny  stories

or your wisdom.

You don’t blow smoke rings

from  your MacDonald’s cigarette

over steamy cups of King Cole tea.

You don’t pull disobedient strands of long dark hair

behind your ears

the way you used to.

 

Sometimes,

I sense you around me.

Hear an echo of your laughter

rumbling between these walls of solitude,

reaching way inside my heart

pulling out smiles

from places I thought were closed.

Faint traces of your perfume will

sometimes

override the odor of the morning’s bacon

that lingers on my drapes

and I will think of you.

You become a warm feeling … then

in the center of my chest.

That spark that once stirred in your cat green eyes

 will settle upon me

making the hairs on my arms dance in delight.

 

Sometimes,

I feel your sisterly arm around my shoulder.

Everything I didn’t say or didn’t do

is forgotten .

I feel peace

as your forgiveness wraps itself

around me in the rays of light

shining in from the  kitchen window. 

I feel your love and I know. 

I know… it is all going to be O.K.

© Dale-Lyn; March, 2005

All is okay!

Michael Singer/Sounds True (July, 2021) Michael Singer Podcast: Giving Meaning To The Time Between Your Birth and Death https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GgNZs6_GmQs