It would be illuminating to see how and when occasional desires strengthen into deeper habit patterns of wanting.
Joseph Goldstein (2016) Mindfulness a Practical Guide to Awakening. Boulder: Sounds True, page 302
Hmmm! I would like to apply the idea of craving as the possible source of all our suffering to two silly practical world examples that I have recently observed in my own experience.
Cup Cake Craving
I bake muffins and cupcakes and I usually make a couple dozen at a time. I like to watch how quickly these go. Not just because I want my ego to get all big and inflamed when they go fast...like I did something special by baking something everyone likes ...but because I get to watch the habit minds around me and in me in action.
Sugar is a drug many of us crave
Okay, sometimes I make very nutritious, maybe less than sugary, muffins that are tasty but not great when one is having a sugar craving. They don't go so fast. I also make sugary treats that lack in nutritional value and depending on the kind...they can go very, very fast. Sometimes the whole two dozen can disappear in an evening and there is only three of us living upstairs. My chocolate chip banana muffins and my pumpkin spice go a lot faster than my blueberry bran lol.
Where does the "craving" part of this baking come in , crazy lady?
A lot of time it is the presumed problem of the absence of having such a treat in the house while I am or someone else is experiencing a so called craving and desire for sugar, that leads me to whip out the mixing bowls and muffin tins.
"I will fix the problem," I tell myself and others . "I will bake and create that which we are lacking in our need to feed our desire, put an end to our craving, and fill in this 'lack of' pain we are experiencing." I bake two dozen muffins or cupcakes and I set them out on the counter.
Watching Habit Mind In Action
Most recently, I got in the habit of watching how quickly they disappear and I try to determine who seems to be "desiring" and "needing fulfillment" the most. I often tell myself that one of the reasons this present living situation is so challenging for me is because there is no escaping the energy of the extreme versions of habit mind I observe in others. I tell myself that because I am constantly witnessing someone else's need for instant gratification in their recovery from the consequences of extreme habit mind, this is interfering with my own Chi, and my own path toward non craving. It is true... that though I understand the so called "greed and selfish tendencies" that come with this very early recovery stage, ...witnessing it in this other triggers an aversion in me. I don't like it and I tell myself I don't want that extreme craving energy around me or in my home. Hmmm! Pretty judgmental eh? I find myself wondering, how much craving does this other still succumb to, to justify such a reaction in me? Sugar is often used as a substitute for other things. Thus my observing how fast these muffins go. I, shamefully, find myself watching and counting how many muffins are taken.
What exactly is being craved...the "wholesome" or the "unwholesome".
I also very reluctantly tell myself, if I am going to observe the habit mind in others, I first and foremost must observe it in myself. I need to observe, not only my own craving around these muffins and cupcakes, but my craving for a need to justify my aversion to this present set of circumstances I find myself in. I have a desire to prove to myself and others that there is a reason why I want and need my situation to change...why I desire something different. I know this craving is not wholesome.
Extremes: Back to the Cup Cakes
One muffin, one cupcake should be enough to fill the sugar hole within us, you would think, right? Sometimes I watch this individual make several trips out to the counter grabbing a couple of muffins at a time until maybe he has eaten a dozen in one evening...and sometimes there seems to be no concern to what is left behind for others. I hear myself saying to myself, "See...this is what is bothering you. This greed! This selfishness!" I feel somewhat justified in my pushing for change.
To my own surprise and horror, however, I observed last night, that it was I that went back to the muffin tray...four times. Four muffins in one hour! I rationalized by saying, "Hey...they were smaller than normal muffins" but still , if I am being honest, I observed my own extreme craving tendency...my own "addict potential"in that behaviour. I was not so different from the others I was watching and judging. This individual, on the other hand, only took two. I realized then that in my craving for these muffins and my giving into that craving, I was attempting to stuff the pain associated with all the suffering I am witnessing around me and I was trying to stuff my own aversion tendency. I was craving something "external" and using it to put an end to my own pain. "Not having sugar in the house", the other person's behavioral choices, and my living situation was not the problem. My own craving...my looking out there for change and solution because I was resisting what is...was the problem. My own habit mind was the problem. The muffins were not going to fix that!
Action Required
To curb the tendency for any of us to succumb to our cravings and eat all the muffins at once I decided to freeze the remainder. That way, if any of us habit minded individuals wanted a muffin, the gratification of that which we craved would not be immediate. We would have to take the muffins out of the freezer and thaw them first. Do we really want the muffin that much? For most addict minded individuals who want what they want now...this delay in the process of receiving gratification can give them space to detach from their desire, to question, "Do I really want this? Is this wholesome? Or am I operating just from habit mind?" It will also give us time to observe how desires, like everything else in this world, just come and go. Desire will go. We do not have to feed it to make it go away. Delaying gratification is a great practice for both the recovering addict in my home and for me: the addict waiting to happen.
"Addict Waiting to Happen? Aren't you being a little extreme? "
No...I believe we are all addicts waiting to happen. As long as our focus is on gratifying our desires...we are all potential addicts. Let me give you another example:
Craving a Glass of Wine
I like the experience of drinking a glass of wine. I like the taste of a good wine. I like the feel of the glass in my hand. I like the shared connection I feel with others who are having a glass with me (it is a social experience for me). I like the way it makes me feel ...for the hour it takes me to drink it, I feel very mindful. I relax and open up. Yes, I like to have a glass of wine and maybe once a month I may have a glass and sometimes even two glasses. Most people would say...that is not a problem, at all!
Yet, something within me always quietly whispers when I pour that glass or think about pouring that glass...to be careful. It reminds me that I am an addict waiting to happen...and though there is no problem in the wine itself...there may be a problem in the craving it. There may be a problem with why I want the wine and how much the thought of that wine and what it could potentially give me could disturb my peaceful center.
I had a bottle in the fridge for two weeks. I thought about it last week, off and on, and found myself saying, "Hmmm! It will be nice to have a glass of wine this weekend." The more hectic and chaotic the circumstances around me seemed, the more I looked forward to that glass of wine. The weekend came and I felt like I would soon be fulfilled. I turned to my partner on Saturday night and asked him if he wanted a glass of wine. He didn't. He wanted a hot Toddy instead. So I thought to myself. I am not going to open a bottle just for me. I will make both of us a toddy and save the wine for next week . I heard myself rationalizing, "whatever is in the wine is in the toddy...I will just be forgoing on the "wine experience"but still getting the essence of the drink ( they don't call it "spirits" for nothing lol) ". I drank the hot toddy but really did not enjoy it.
This week I thought, off and on, about having a glass of wine last night. Evening came and I turned to my partner and asked him if he wanted a glass. He said yes and my heart skipped. "Great!" I said cause I really wanted a glass of wine. I was, all week, thinking about the suffering of others, feeling some internal pain and anx and I had this idea that while I sipped on that wine...and had that relaxing, mindful experience I get, it would all go away. I could truly shut it all out and relax. I would find the peace I am always looking for.
So I poured us a glass, me a little bit more than my partner, and I sat down to enjoy it. It was a lovely wine. I really liked the taste, the feel of the chilled glass in my hand, the fact that my partner was having a glass with me. I was enjoying the experience. Halfway through his glass, my partner put it down and decided he wanted to go to bed. I was like "What? You cannot leave me now. I was waiting for this moment all week. ...for two weeks actually."
He went to bed and I sat there,sipping on my wine feeling rather dejected. Then I looked over at the remainder in his glass. The little voice came back...and it was not judging me or attempting to make me feel guilty...it was just pointing out what was going on. "You are very attached to this wine experience, aren't you?" It said. "You are getting a bit consumed with a craving. You are attempting to use something external to momentarily make things better inside for you but you know that it is not how it works."
I listened to this wisdom. I heard it. I agreed with it. It sunk in and I knew I had a decision to make. Do you know what I did?
I reached over, picked up my partner's glass and poured it in my own. I sat there and drank the wine while I watched Chocolate School on Netflix. I was completely aware and conscious, listening to my higher Self and I still made a conscious decision to drink. This, the same night, I gave into eating four muffins...a night when I was on the watch out for the addictive tendencies in others.
It was a night I let craving win. Wow!...a lot of learning there.
I walk away from these two experiences realizing how subtle and at the same time how powerful craving can be. Yes...I can see how it can easily lead to greater issues than eating a few too many muffins or drinking one and a half glasses of wine on a Saturday night.
The wise voice withing me is absolutely right. We do have to be careful! I have to be careful whenever craving is around.
All is well.
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