Removing the Sense of Obligation

 

Relationships based on obligation lack dignity.

Wayne Dyer

I am so tired today and I feel a familiar knot in my belly related to the expectations of others that, even after all my practice, I still feel obligated to meet when  I didn't sign up for any of it. 

Feeling Obligated and Anxious

It is just a pick- up later this afternoon but it involves driving in what my mind judges as "an uncomfortable zone"...one of the  places I tend to avoid driving  for a hundred silly reasons.  My own children know better than to ask me to drive there.  My siblings, knowing me, often volunteer to drive me there if I need to get there.   I openly express, with some degree of shame, to others ( including those in my household) ,  how I am not comfortable  driving there of all places, that even the mere thought of it will produce a certain degree of anxiety in me and an extreme desire to avoid the experience for hours before hand. For that reason, I outwardly and with a great deal of assertion refused to drive there last week.  

I am expected, however,  to pick up this person today. I was not assertive enough, I guess , after I heard someone volunteering my service, when I said, "I do not want to pick him up there...I can pick him up elsewhere but not there.  The thought of  having to do so will eat at me all day. " 

To  which, the response was, "Yeah, I know.  I will let you know later if you have to pick him up."...as the person left the house. 

Confronting Fear Because of Obligation? 

Now, I know how totally irrational this little fear is.  I know how it would seem so silly to others who do not have the memories and learning  I have stored inside me of how quickly near fatal accidents can happen  or who do not have the same core beliefs I have. I know that my reaction to driving challenge is way over and beyond the reactions of most people. I know my fear is irrational. I also know that confronting, rather than avoiding, is the answer to such fears and I do do that at times. I have faced this fear many times and I know I can  drive there but it it is a white knuckle drive usually following hours of obsessive thinking about it.  It requires a lot of energy and preparation and it takes so much out of me to do it. Despite what I have told myself..."Each time you confront this fear it will get smaller and eventually it will go away."...it isn't getting much smaller. Avoiding is never the answer but...but...this confrontation has to be done on my terms, not someone else's.  

So,  when I am expected to confront this fear to serve someone who may not appreciate my efforts and who I, perceive, may be  quicker to remember what I do not do for him rather than what I do...it creates a whole knot of aversion and ill will within my body and mind, mixed up with the anxiety.  The challenge becomes even bigger than it has to be. The knot within my gut grows. The big boulder in my mind gets bigger preventing me from thinking and seeing clearly. It stresses me out and makes me sick.

Unhealthy Obligation Versus Unhealthy Anxiety

Sometimes the anxiety is bigger than the over-exaggerated sense of responsibility and obligation I have for others and sometimes the sense of obligation is bigger than my irrational fears. Both are unhealthy and not serving me.

I do genuinely wish to reduce my sense of "me-ness" and to  serve others in a compassionate and kind way.  Sometimes, however, that desire goes too far and I begin to see it as an obligation... I begin to feel   obligated to meet, not only the needs of others, but their desires, as well. I find myself in situations where I am denying  my own needs in order to "gratify" the desires of others. Hmm! That is not compassion, that is enabling.  That is not wholesome action for Self or for the other person. It becomes even more unwholesome when resentment is involved. 

So, I, sitting with this knot in gut and mind, begin to question my sense of obligation more than my anxiety. I had this inner conversation.:

 I asked myself, "Do you think it is wise to waste all this energy and to stew in these toxic feelings just because you feel obligated to do something you really do not want to do?" 

The answer was "No!".  

Then I asked ,"Sure, confronting a fear is a wise course  of action, but is it so wise when the only reason you  do so is because you feel so much resentful obligation? "

" No! " 

"Is resentment healthy in any relationship? Is it a tool of compassionate service?"

"No." 

"What would be the kindest thing you could do for others in this situation?"

"Remove the resentment, derived from the sense of obligation  that only I can place on myself." 

"What is the kindest thing you can do for you in this situation?"

"Remove the  pressure to confront a fear and  the guilt induced doing brought on by this sense of obligation." .  

"Without this sense of obligation, would you choose this  time to  confront this fear?" 

"No".  

" So?"  

"I will inform the individuals involved that I will not be doing the pick-up."

Sigh...the knot has unraveled within me and not just because I feel the relief of avoiding a fear inducing drive  but because this level of assertion gives me back my power to choose when and how I confront my fears. It frees me and my relationship with these individuals , as well,  from the strangulating claws of resentment . 

All is well!