Soaking Your Self With Love?

 Empty handed, existence is love but is like water running from a hose. It all depends on which direction you point it.

Alan Watts

Do you point that hose of natural, free flowing love enough in your own direction, at your self?  And what part of self are we talking when we say "self"? Hmm those are pretty important questions. Ones that I am pondering right now. In a nutshell, I am realizing that I seldom show  compassion for "me"... I am seldom kind to myself. In fact, I am beyond "unkind" to myself...I am down right abusive.  Sigh!  That is somewhat difficult to admit, especially on a public forum, like this. 

So why are you sharing all this personal crap here,  crazy lady?

I believe, in the old axiom: "Go big or stay home."  So I guess that is why I spill it all out here. What I gain in terms of learning, I do so feel I must share. Of course, no one is obligated to learn from or even read anything I write. If you just happen to be reading along in any of my entries and you see me using the word "I" , you may  begin to question, " Why is this crazy lady always going on  about herself?" Please know I don't expect you to read on.  It is only if what I say resonates with something in you, should you do so.  My intention is not "egoic", (though ego is certainly still lingering around) but, even still, you may not need or even want what I have to say. 

Kind or Unkind to Self?

So let's get back to the question. Do you tend to be kind or unkind to yourself....and what part of self are you being kind or unkind to? If you notice that you are often unkind to yourself, or if you are confused about which part of self we should be kind to, please read on.  Also please note that it takes a lot of courageous and painful insight to look deeply enough into what you truly believe about yourself.

So do you love yourself enough and which part of you do you love?

The part of "me" that is challenging to love

As I reflect on my own internal experience, I see I have great respect and love for my "higher being". ( I still have not completely accepted yet that this higher being is not a separate entity but a part of what I actually am. It is pretty easy to love it as long as I still see it "out there" and not "in here"). On the other hand, I am seeing, upon some painful reflection, that I have "deep hostile contempt" for my lower being...this person I call me who is a mother, sister, partner, friend, who has roles out there in community related to teaching,  who has a limited amount of money in her account and whose body and mind are also  limited. If I look deeply and I have to go deep...I see the truth and it is painful.  To see that my relationship with myself is absent of a certain degree of love is one thing, but to see that it is  full of  hostile and overly critical "contempt" is quite disturbing.  I always knew I was one to put others needs first and to not value my own as much...but "hostile contempt"?  Wow! That is hard to swallow. 

An Example of Unkindness

For example, instead of showing myself compassion when I am ill and unable to work...I actually punish myself very harshly.  I have worked only one day in March because of everything that went down and my physical and emotional reaction to it actually exhausted me.  Chest pain was a consequence.  Now though it it is still there, it has subsided a bit and I thought I could work today when I realized I didn't have to look after my grandson. I made myself available with every intention of going in. But I became quite ill during the night with a generalized heaviness, nonstop sweating, smothery feeling and stomach upset. I tossed and turned. I just felt awful and when I finally fell asleep I get a phone call from my daughter...another crisis that I could not even lift my head to deal with.  D. took the phone from me and took over.  Anyway, that just aggravated my symptoms and long story short,  I did not go in today. 

I would totally understand if another didn't work based on these conditions, I would , but I beat myself up for my lack of availability.  Underneath the  armour of insisting and proving to others [and self] that I am not being the productive member of society I know 'I should be", for good reason,  I am constantly punishing myself. I accuse myself of  being a wimp and making too much of things, of using illness to avoid that which I fear. And the mind continues to remind me that my fear  is totally abnormal and unacceptable,  adding to the reasons why I am so much less worthy than others, why I have to pay extra rent for being on this planet that people like me just do not deserve to be on. I am often  "beating myself up" in so many ways.  Disrespect, resentment, extreme criticism, unreal expectations as to what I need to do to redeem myself so I can be at least partially worthy, prejudice, down right cruelty, hatred and abuse...that is what I feed myself, have fed myself for most of my life.  When the persona I have built to redeem myself cracks open and  I  have the audacity to say to myself or others, " I am suffering, "  man, does the verbal abuse ensue. You see, I have been taught through my experiences, that suffering is my penance. My penance for what sin? For my sin of being alive.   

Pretty drastic, eh?  You might be saying to yourself at this point, "Yeah, you really are a crazy lady." The thing is,  I am not the only person who does this when they are being less than perfect, am I?  The expression "beating myself up" would not be as popular as it it is, if I were. Many of us find it difficult to love ourselves fully, many of us are unkind and some of us, are like me, down right abusive. 

Core Beliefs and Old Programming

Now I know how irrational these thoughts and core beliefs are.  I also know where they come from and what this "little me" endured to make it think like this. Knowing that, one would think that understanding and compassion would be warranted but no...my mind just resumes the messages that others have started without an ounce of compassion, Now I have done work...so much work on the psychological and spiritual level to deprogram this messaging and sometimes I even feel that I have.  But every now and again, like recently, I am reminded that I am still tangled up in  a toxic and abusive relationship with self.  The samskaras, making it so,  are very deep.

So does  internal programing  have anything to do with our being ill? Of course, it does. It has everything to do with my heart condition!!!   I have always been a big believer in the psychosomatic cause  of all physical illness. The mind is much more powerful than the body! Though there are definite (albeit somewhat benign)  biologic, structural and genetic variables in my case, they are not the real cause of my health issues.  My mind is...more specifically...these impressions that I stored inside are. Life triggers these samskaras...they start to rise and the vicious internal dialogue starts...even if I am not actively listening for it ( or closing my ears to it by filling my mind with positive affirmations) . The dialogue comes with the emergence of the samskaras.  

It is also important to note that  these stored impressions are also arising naturally the more I practice releasing and relaxing into life. I guess one would say that the samskaras and the attached messages and core beliefs are making their way out. That is a great thing...that is what I want...The problem arises when I push them back down because they are so challenging to deal with when I have so many other external stressors on my plate. My recent bout of chest pain and whatever it was that kept me awake last night is a result of me resorting to old habit tendencies of pushing it all back down. Because the wiser part of me knows that they really need to come out, each pushing back down reaction is being more dramatically felt by my body and mind. "Get it out already!!"

Now the month of March alone was crazy, even without the chest pain thing. Crazy!!! Anyone that goes through even a part of what I went through would receive a fair degree of compassion from others. Yet, here I am beating myself up for not going to work and not fixing everyone's problems!

Patterns of Difference

Kristen Neff, an expert on Self Compassion, reminds us in the video below that there is patterns of difference between how we tend o treat others and how we treat ourselves during times of suffering. I know how I treat others, how I have treated others this month, is and was very compassionate.  I feel the others  pain, I do not judge, I give myself 100 percent, I listen.  I validate.  I talk in a very kind and calm tone.  I encouraged them to rest, to prioritize their own healing, and to nurture and nourish their lives with joy. There is no criticism...I accept and allow "all of them: the good , the bad, the ugly",  even when they get abusive towards me because of their pain. And the two people I was there for the most this month were people who literally put themselves in the situation they were in and who still refuse to take an ounce of accountability for it. I understand their resistance and the level of pain that has led them there, I do.  I have deep compassion. I am just saying.

The Dialogue to Self is not the Dialogue to Others

I did not treat myself with the same regard. Here I am, one imperfect  and tired human form, holding all this and I am beating myself up. This is what I say to myself in a tone that is very hostile and hateful: "What are you complaining about.  It isn't about you!  You are so selfish.  And you talk about being spiritual and here you are complaining about being there for others.  Why aren't you doing more?  Why aren't you there more?  Boo-hooo...so you have a little chest pain, so you are a little tired...making it all about you again are ya? Pathetic! Who do you think you are? You can't think of yourself....now  Get back out there. Serve more. Stop being so selfish. And why aren't you working?  Look at the state of your finances.  Imagine...at your age and with all that education...pathetic...you have nothing to give to people who need it...all because you decided to let a little fainting and a little pain keep you from working like a normal human being.  You could have kept working at the college ! It wasn't that bad. Now you have a chance to redeem yourself and you are blowing it! You certainly can't do it well ...everyone will know that soon enough...but at least it is a job. You are  letting this stop you again. You are just a wimp...a scaredy cat! Pathetic. Why do you think it was so hard for everyone to believe you? Because it wasn't that bad.  You just made too much of it, like you make too much of everything. God...you are pathetic. No wonder why everyone  thinks you are crazy. Why no one would want you working for them...you are just all smoke and no substance on the surface and crazy on the inside. Weird! You probably just used it because you were afraid.  Man...you are useless and unproductive...a failure really...a loser...these things are all happening to you for a reason.  You need to be punished!"  

Have you ever stopped and simply listened to how you speak to yourself and what you say? Yeah, it can be pretty brutal. Neff tells us we speak that harshly to ourselves because we are trying to drill ourselves back into shape when we feel we are losing control.  We become drill sergeant's  wanting to create strong soldiers who can  fix the situation we are losing control of. That could be true but I think we do it mostly to carry on the messaging we received from others in our past.  I know that is it in my case. 

Anyway, what do we do about it?

Turn the Hose Inward

Well you know that hose of pure and unconditional love that naturally flows through us? We need to point it in our own direction.  Give yourself a good soaking.  You deserve it ( even though your mind may tell you differently) . Watch how you treat others and know that you are definitely capable of expressing compassion and loving kindness...so turn it inward. 

Remember that Self doesn't need our love because it is Love

When we turn that light in we have a choice as to what to shine it on.  There is this little me with all its habit tendencies, its vices, its wrong view and there is the Deeper I." What self do we shine the light of love on.  That is easy...the Deeper I does not need love becasue it is love. The little me needs to be pulled up from the lower energies, into Self realization,  by the healing power of Love.  Focus there...focus on loving "me" even if it isn't a hundred percent real.

Accept all parts of "me"

Ram Dass tells us  that loving ourselves is all about accepting all parts of this "me"...all our imperfections, mistakes, unwholesome tendencies as well as all the things we do right. So write a list sometime of all the things about you that you are okay with...and then go a little farther and write down what you are not so okay with...watch your internal reaction when you get there.  Then say, "And this too!"  "This belongs and that belongs...and this too!" Even your resistance to those parts of yourself that cause you to be unkind to you...belong.  We have to notice and allow it all.  Love starts with acceptance.

Look Deeply at the Roots

Then of course, we need to look deeply at the root causes of our self hatred or lack of self love...just notice there is a reason for it. And then we need to accept that reason.  Accept that samskaras have formed in us from that conditioning and maybe even learn to love them too. Just allow it all..."And this too!" 

Notice, Reconstruct and Nurture

Then take a step back, breathe and notice when you are talking to yourself less than kindly or failing to give your self what it needs at the time. Notice and reconstruct those old patterns and tendencies with new behaviours, new words, new tones. It may take some time to do but we can learn to treat ourselves better.

Stop Resisting, Stop Pushing the Samskaras Back Down and Let Go

Most importantly, we need to stop pushing back down what is coming up for reasons of shame and fear.  When the samskaras start emerging , let them...with them will come the old habit tendencies of self abuse ...notice, allow and then let go.  We have to let them come up , no matter how much buried pain comes up with them, if we want them out. Let it all go.

Hmm!  Well that is how I see it anyway but what do I know?

All is well.

Ram Dass (2023 ) Self Love https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUDaQHKELpk

Kristen Neff (July, 2020)Self Compassion in Difficult Times. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoqSvlakeSQ

Alan Watts(Feb 2020)  We Must learn To Love Ourselves https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jK-_0CTRezU

I See Your Pain

 I See Your Pain

I see your pain.

My imperfect human heart hugs yours,

Though it feels  crushed 

under the weight of sufferings' strangulating hold

and mind wants nothing more than to pull back,

I am learning,  through steady  practice,

to stand my ground 

and not look away.

Though I cannot fix it...

I see your pain.

You tell me,

I seem so cold and distant

 as I stand above you

in my mechanical detachment, 

but these tears that trickle  down my cheek

are warm and real.

Though I cannot fix it,

I see your pain.

This hand that reaches out,

though cold and trembling,

weak and tired, 

wants to offer you that which

lays beneath this aging form.

I long to feel 

those  clenched up fingers of yours

opening and  relaxing into my sweaty palm

where my own life force,

escapes in a natural desire

to mix with yours,

to mix with the world's. 

Life touching Life,

 as all made up

borders and boundaries disappear

is what we all long for,

whether we know it or not.. 

You pull your hand away

but I do see your pain. 

Though I cannot fix it....

I see your pain.

I do not validate outwardly

in the way  you want me to with:  

"Poor you" and "This is not fair." 

Instead,  I stand here quietly,

absent of advice,

absent of expression,

absent of solutions as to how

to fix it 'out here',

so you can feel better "in there"

but I see it. 

Though I can not fix it,

I see your pain.

I  see the prison walls 

the  names, labels and diagnosis'  

have built around you,

making your world so small

and your discomfort so great. 

I see those busy hands of yours

reaching through the bars

and fidgeting about in an attempt 

to control and manipulate 

all that exists around you 

so it doesn't get past your shields.

I see them reaching, seeking, clinging 

to anything  "out here" 

that brings comfort "in there".

I see them somewhat apologetically 

grasping for numbing relief

if they  cannot stop the  arrows from

getting through 

to  your tender spots.

I also see the  chain mail 

you have wrapped around 

your fragile, broken heart. 

in hope of protecting it 

from all the unpredictable 

arrows life may throw your way.

I see your fear.

Though I cannot fix it,

I see your pain.

I see the pain in you,

I see the same pain in the world.

And there is so much.

I am still tempted at times

to resort to old  habit tendencies,

  I so want  to squeeze my eyes shut 

when the  images of dirty faced,  

and starving children 

with their swollen bellies and fleshless legs

unfold before me.

I want to drown out the homeless beggars'

plea for work, for food, for  help

or simply to be seen,

as I walk by with my cellphone to my ear. 

I am so tempted  to turn my back on those, 

who so lost in their own pain,

do desperate things to undeserving others.

I want to pretend that innocent beings 

are not getting sick,

not hurting  and are not dying

needlessly 

all over the world for reasons that do not

make sense to me: war, poverty,  a lack of care,

arrogance, prejudice and greed.

The world is constantly showing me,

in flickering flashes that pierce my retinas

and pierce my heart...

that there is suffering in it.

I want to close my eyes, turn away 

or pretend otherwise

but I don't,

not anymore.

I see what is there for me to see.

I cannot fix it,

 but I see your pain. 

My mind often tells me, 

that  the pain is too much

for this imperfect human form to carry.

It fearfully warns me 

that my own tiny  heart 

will  be smothered to death by it,

that this  little being I call "me" 

will not be able to withstand the weight 

of all the suffering I see, 

including the suffering I see in you. 

It tells me to look away 

but I don't....

not any more.

Though I cannot fix it,

I see your pain.

I understand your resistance,

I do.

I, too, once wrapped my heart in 

stories and  armour so it

would not be overwhelmed by the suffering in this world,

the suffering I assumed the world forced upon me,

but the armour proved to be more constricting 

than the suffering. 

I took it off...

and now my heart  is raw, vulnerable, 

terrified and excited 

as it beats in a desire to be open,

expanding more and more with everything I see. 

Through my own practice 

of embracing and welcoming all that is,

I see your pain

more clearly than I have ever seen it before..

Though I cannot fix it, 

I see your pain.

I also see beyond  your pain.

When I stand back

just a step, just a breath away from it, 

I see the ugliness, yes

but I also see the beauty.

I see the darkness, yes,

but I also see the light.

I see the chaos, yes,

but I also see the order.

I can see the perfection in it all.

When I relax into what is,

the  human part of me  feels

while the being part of me sees.

It is a perfect combination. 

My human heart cries for you 

but my soul rejoices

as it cries out,  "And this too!!

This too...this too belongs."

I see how all of it belongs, my love,

all of it.

The beauty belongs  

and the ugliness...they are One.

The rightness of the world belongs 

and the wrongness of it...they are one. 

The light belongs

and the darkness...they are one.

The 10,000 joys belong,

as do  the 10,000 sorrows...they are one.

I see it all...

and though I can not fix it,

I do see your pain.

At the same time

I look upon the ugly darkness 

that appears to be consuming you....

I can see past your expressions of agony,

past your shields and defenses, past  your resistance; 

I see past  your wounds and broken pieces

to the heart of you....

 beating, beating, beating

in perfect rhythm,

undisturbed by any of it

as it prepares you

 with each constricted splash of blood

for an opening and release

that will save you from yourself . 

I see the light ,

I see your freedom

waiting  beyond the heavy veil of your  pain,

waiting for you to allow it all in.

Just allow it all in , 

by opening your eyes and heart  to what is.

Though I can not fix it, 

I see your pain...

my love, 

and it is glorious.  

Dale-Lyn, March, 2023

What I Learn From Chest Pain

 

Yoga is the practice of tolerating the consequences of being you.

The Gita

Sometimes it is hard to be a "me" constantly triggered by Life. 

An Excuse to Hide Away From Life

Chest pain persists off and on and I am looking for a place to hide out from the world. ( Well...I am trying to avoid those parts of the world I am having such a visceral reactive response to!). So I come here.  I am telling people I have chest pain, which I really don't like to do unless I need to use it as a legitimate reason to hide out. That is what I am doing with this chest pain.  I am using it to "my" benefit, as an excuse to rest. Well, as an excuse to "escape".  . 

Listening To A Friend

 Angina really isn't a problem for me anymore.  After years of allowing it to seemingly take so much of my life away [in my mind only], I have learned to live with it amazingly well. Where as at one point, I did what ever I could to resist it, deny it, push past it etc because of the worry and shame it provoked in me, now I stop and listen. I am no longer worried about it, concerned about the outcome and I don't feel the need to waste energy trying to get others out there to look after it. I have gone beyond simply accepting it, to befriending it.  I see what it offers me in terms of learning and keeping me on track in my growth.  I do treat it in the allopathic way when it arises.  I am not stupid.  I take a medication on a regular basis that really helps and I rest and take nitro when I need to. But I am not worried about these episodes at all.  

When I have a cluster of pain that comes and goes over 3-4 days, I simply stop and say, "Hello my old friend.  What is going on in my life or in my mind that you want me to pay attention to?" 

"Look after Yourself"

I am always reminded that I am failing to be compassionate and kind to self.  It is the heart right?  Chest pain  has to have something to do with love. It is a key sign that I...this body and mind...need to have the same degree of kindness, service, compassion I am offering to others,  applied to it. I don't know why it is referring to the "me" part of Self, but until I am fully realized that might be where it is pointing me. Which is kind of confusing being that I am on a quest to diminish "me" for "I am".  Anyway...it is a plea for Self-care and Self-love.  I do recognize that though I may not always heed that suggestion like it wants me to.  

"Rest"

 The most important step to do in an angina attack is to physically rest.  The pain is also telling me to rest. Unless I can use this need to rest as a way to avoid those stressors that some would say are causing my chest pain and to which I now know are simply triggering what is already there and my resistance to it....I may not rest. I still tend to push past it, to keep giving to others, at the expense of self. Why? See above.  I don't care enough about myself. That takes me to the third thing it is telling me.  

"You have some pretty sick stuff in there!"

There are some unwholesome things stuffed in me that I need to release. At the root of this chest pain is a samskara arising to the surface.  An impression of a deeply wounded little girl who is shame and fear based to the core because of past trauma is triggered by certain external stressors. Intense feelings of unworthiness arise. as well as a fear that I might hurt more deserving others in my attempts to get what  I need from life to just survive physically.   I tend to give, give, give in an attempt to redeem myself....compensate for my unworthiness.... as I often say, "pay extra rent for being on a planet I don't deserve to be on." The denying of the chest pain, the pushing past it...the seeing it, (as well as the shaming I received in my presentation of it),  as something I simply "deserve" for taking up air that others could be breathing,  is a conditioned reaction to  these twisted and sick core beliefs. 

"Get rid of the blockages"

When that samskara begins to unravel...man is it messy in here. The messier it is in here, the more chest pain I feel out there.  It is a bit of a cycle. Chest pain is both a reaction to a body that has been not taking care of itself because it doesn't see itself as worthy, absorbing and owning the stress of others,   and it it is also a trigger for the release of this samskara.  Double whammy! My heart is physically closing in an attempt to keep the pain of that old wounding from coming to the surface, preventing those specific triggers out there from pulling them up. And the physical closing (vasospasms)  causes pain that triggers the samskaras so they will be released. The chest pain is actually trying to do me a favor.  The only  way of truly healing emotionally and physically is by getting rid of these blockages.  I honestly believe that if I could release all that old junk once and for all, there would be no more chest pain. My heart would truly be open , remaining so. It would be like a balloon angioplasty for the soul. Yoga, I believe is the best medicine for that.

Not There Yet

Sigh!  So...I know all this but I still have a long way to go to "realizing" it.  I spent the last few days resorting to old habit energies. Going between shaming myself and using the chest pain to avoid dealing with Life. I was shaming myself for the chest pain and the fatigue that comes with it...for not doing more...like cleaning the  house, or spending more time at my daughters (even though I spent six hours there yesterday), not picking up a work day, not offering my yoga classes, not doing more for my grandchildren and children  etc....I was really beating myself up. The old unworthiness samskara was flowing into my psyche like a broken faucet because  of the stressors I have been dealing with. 

Don't Need an Excuse To Say "No"

Then when I felt the "stress" was too much I told myself well I will use this chest pain, not for the purpose it was meant for, but to further resist life.  It seemed the only plausible excuse I could use   to avoid the stressors that were triggering me, so I could say to those others who seemed to need me, "Sorry! I can't be there 24/7 because my heart is acting up." I don't worry about my heart but I know they do, so I will occasionally share with them when I have chest pain in hopes it will reduce the demands. Sometimes that works...sometimes ( maybe not so much this time) they will cut me some slack and stop demanding so much of me. It really didn't work yesterday but I am trying it this morning.  Like, . "Just give me a morning to myself ...if you can't give me a whole day so I can rest up enough to be there for you."  I don't take a call for work even though I need the money...I can't risk working with this... so one would think...yeah that is a legitimate excuse .  But man...why do I have to have others reminding me that it is okay to  take the time I need to rest when I am not well?  Why do I have to wait until I am a spray of nitro away from emergency to say, "No. I can't give you all that you need...it is too much for one person." ? Again...that samskara  is operating. It is challenging to be assertive and say no when you feel, not only unworthy, but that  you are the cause of everyone's misery. Hmm! 

Sharing the Pathetic Pieces

BTW...it is really embarrassing to see how pathetic this "me" is in its core believing . Wow! I know how irrational these thoughts are.  I do but the feelings stuffed inside don't give a darn about how much I think I know. Then why the heck are you sharing it, crazy lady?  I figure I am not the only one....in fact, I know I am not the only one who has a physical ailment as a result of a samskara related to deep seated shame and unworthiness.  Maybe not to this specific degree or detail...but similar.  

Have you ever taken the time to investigate  the relationship between your own body symptoms and your samskaras? Have you looked into your core belief's and the wounding they come from? 

I find it absolutely fascinating! And that is what I want to spend my time doing.  Not enabling, or being in a situation where I am really not serving anyone, least of all me. I know the best way I can help anyone is to get rid of my blockages  so I can be there for them in a non-resisting and open way...

Anyway, how I rambled this morning when I was  going to take my hiding away time to simply rest. Maybe this "looking deeply" is a better use of my time. 

All is well. 

Courtroom Of Resistance

 Court Room of Resistance

Tight fingers of resistance 

wrap around my heart, 

obedient bailiffs,

following the commands

of a gavel pounding mind, 

s squeezing, squeezing, squeezing. 

 I curl forward, 

shoulders hunched up 

towards my ears,

jaws  and sweaty fists 

clenched tight, 

my shrinking form playing

 the perfect victim 

in the prosecutors argument. .

The jury gasps in pity.

The authoritative judge

reclaims  the courtroom 

of my experiencing, 

c     condemning, 

      in confident tones,

 the events and imperfect beings

that flicker past. 

as images on a video screen,

e  marked,  "Exhibit A,"

e      

The "others" ,

who have been accused ,

of poking and prodding 

at my insides with their own pain

call out their self-defense verdicts, 

to no avail.

The judgment will be  made  

in little me's favour,

T    Behind the  closed doors of this courtroom,

h    they and circumstance

      will be found guilty.

Y    Yet the sweet relief of justice

r   refuses to touch me.

 And instead, 

 with every "bad, wrong, 

and shouldn't be"

I hear,

my heart,  

 shrivels and constricts

tighter, tighter, tighter,

until I can not breathe.

until  just a slither of light,

a tiny breath of Life,

 can flow through.

This rigged trial

is too much for 

the part of "me" 

that honors truth.  

I must raise my hand

and let the jury know

that the only perpetuator here

is the resistant "me."

Those "others",

they are about to 

condemn and sentence,

are just innocent players

in this game I play

against myself.

© Dale-Lyn, March, 2023

I worked a bit on this.  Not sure why and am not sure if I did any good.  I was just reminded of this poem and felt the need to come to it. Why? Woke up with the chest pain described in the poem  and though I was half-hoping to pick up a shift today, I decided against it. I feel a bit weak. So I told myself a day off would be rejuvenating after the crisis my family faced recently. I even thought that maybe since my sister is back home and I am feeling so much  relief there,  I could just have a peaceful day to myself. As soon as that thought crossed my mind, I get a phone call with a request, more of an expectation, to go and help in a situation I was hoping to avoid....a situation I feel myself physically resisting.  The chest pain, literally gets worse when I even think of it.  I am having such a visceral reaction to this stressor. Man, I am a mess.  I know  the problem is not the situation and not the constant, chronic  24/7 demands for my physical and psychological presence it entails but this thought I keep dragging up, "This is all too much.  This can't keep happening.  I need a break and I am just not going to get it." The request, the thought, the sense of unending obligation to help  fix a situation I have no power of fixing...is coming in, leading to a reaction that is so draining.   I have been dealing with it...sometimes staying open...many more times closing...for many years but lately I hit a wall. Instead of staying open, I closed up tightly and continue to close up tightly in response to it.  It is not the situation.  It is me that is doing the closing.  Why am I closing?  Because I am resisting the chronic "what isness" of this situation...part of my mind is judging this as a "bad, wrong, shouldn't be..."   I think it is the chronic nature of it, that is bothering  me and this thought I have, "This doesn't have to be this way...if only she would take responsibility for the parts of her life she can control and let go of the rest." Well, again, I stress... it isn't the situation that is bothering me, I am bothering myself about it. I am bothering myself.

Well it is from this experience that this very imperfect poem came out. I could write a thousand critiques on it but I am not going to go there cuz it does say something important. I mean I could have skipped all the over writing and over kill and simply have said: 

....the moment  in front of you is not bothering you - you are bothering yourself about the moment in front of you. 

Michael A. Singer, living untethered, ( New Harbinger/ Sounds True, 2022), page 25

Hmm! All is well

©

I Don't Want To Close!

 It all starts with your feet on the ground, your eyes open, saying "I don't want to close!" 

Michael A. Singer

I feel myself closing in reaction to certain life circumstances...to the accumulation of them at least.  I am forced to realize that I have hit maximum closing becasue I started getting chest pain again yesterday after a stressful incident, ( something my mind judged as stressful) . For weeks now, I could feel the other components of the  physical reaction of closing.   It usually starts in my gut ( the other brain) as a twisting knot. I feel my jaws clenched, my shoulders up close to my ears, the sloping of my body forward ( iliopsoas response to stress... an instinctual protect - the- vital -organs reaction to a perceived threat), I drop my gaze and automatically switch into cold mechanical mode which my daughter absolutely hates. I cringe and turn inward...a tight ball of shrinking flesh. I have before this point of chest pain been feeling "exhausted and drained" by the last three weeks dealing with a life threatening crisis in my sister and my daughter's issues. ...not to mention all the other little or medium sized stressors. ( again...these are judgements made by mind). And now I have chest pain off and on.(My angina, with the exception of a few break through clusters,  has been well controlled for almost three years now with the medication I am on and my yoga practice...being "relaxed" is the answer for most issues in our lives).  

I haven't had enough opportunity to relax...last night I only slept for 2 and a half hours because I was up all night texting back and forth with my daughter. So I am tired which makes a wonderful situation for the  pain to emerge.  It comes and goes...not just with exertion.  It is relieved by the nitro but I am so mentally overwhelmed by all the external stressors that I am reluctant to take it...part of me, literally, wants to just succumb to whatever my heart is doing in protest, "I can't give anymore!" .  If I am sick...I don't have to deal with everyone's demands of me. Yes mentally and emotionally I am completely overwhelmed and this closes my heart, almostly completely...figuratively and literally. Hmm!

I found myself scribbling this down today as I listened to the podcast linked below, (Just a scribble...not yet a poem. )

 Tightly, the fingers of my resistance 

wrap around my heart, 

squeezing, squeezing, squeezing 

as the obedient Balifs, 

follow the commands

of the gavel pounding mind.

  I curl forward, 

shoulders hunched up 

towards my ears,

jaws  and sweaty fists clenched tight.

My defendant points to my shrinking form

as farther evidence that I am nothing more 

than a frightened animal

lal laying down submissively

      in front of  the  predators' fangs,

in an act of learned helplessness.  

The jury gasps in pity.

The authoritative judge

reclaims  the courtroom 

of my experiencing,

c     condemning, 

      in confident tones,

 the events and imperfect beings

that flicker past,

images on a video screen,

 that can be played over and over again, 

evidence for my victim status,

while the the struggling "others" who 

have been accused 

of poking and prodding 

at my insides with their own pain

call out their self-defense verdicts, 

to no avail.

The judgment will be  made  

in little me's favour,

T    Circumstance and the others 

      will be made guilty

And with every "bad, wrong, 

and shouldn't be"

I hear,

instead of feeling the relief of justice,

my heart shrivels and constricts

tighter, tighter, tighter

until I can not breathe.

until  just a slither of light,

a tiny breath of Life,

 can flow through.

This rigged trial

is too much for 

my weary consciousness. 

I must raise my hand

and let the jury know

that it is I 

that have hurt myself.

I have  closed my own heart, 

Those "others",

they are about to 

condemn and sentence,

are innocent players

in this game I play

against myself.

Dale-Lyn, 2023

Sigh!  All is well.

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe (March 26, 2023) Learning to Stay Open.https://tou.org/talks/

Samskaras and the Need for Anesthesia

No wonder people so often speak about the benign numbing effect of their addictions: only a person in pain craves anesthesia. ...Ask not why the addiction, but why the pain.

Gabor Mate,  The Myth of Normal (Knopf, 2022), page 220

I have to have a difficult conversation with a loved one today or tomorrow, a person who craves anesthesia.  I was waiting for this person to be stable enough for me to do so but I also knew there was just a slim window of opportunity before old habit energies took over again.  Those energies of denial, suppression, repression, avoidance, relief seeking, desire for numbing,  fantasizing, storytelling etc have already begun. So...it is time to share my truth.... not that I have any power to affect change in this individual.  It probably will have little effect.  I do it only because it is my truth and I need to share it before I surrender fully to what is. 

Sigh! Reminded of samskaras again. So I felt pulled to come to the camera again to talk about the buried pain energy that causes all our suffering.  (And as you can tell by the way I look...it isn't an ego thing that brings me to the camera, that brings me here.  It is something much bigger.) 

All is well in my world 

Craving The Ocean

 

There are no decisions; there is only interaction with what is in front of you. Decisions come because you have attachments, desires and fears, The only thing that will help you is to let go. If you let go of your stuff-there are no decisions- there is just life. 

Michael A. Singer

I am craving the ocean.  That is something that I want  to look at from all angles.  

First, I need to look deeply into the craving itself and remind myself  how desire is the root to most of our suffering. 

 Craving is Desire and Desire is Escape!

Desire or preference  is as Michael Singer says, a way of compensating for our blockages. When I crave something I am desiring...wanting something other than what is...in an attempt to escape from the reality that is triggering old pain inside me.  Hmmm! I definitely want to escape my present reality...those events and circumstances that are and have already taken place.  Wow! Why do we try to escape things that have already happened when there is nothing left to escape from and there is no changing what happened?  For example, my sister is recovering wonderfully on the physical level...miracle really.  The crisis with her health is done and gone...yet I watched part of me wanting to escape it the whole time it was happening and that part of me is still telling me to "run!" That time of her being on a ventilator between life and death is over...it took care of itself...and even if it didn't there is no going back in time to make it "not happen".  Is there?  Yet that is where a lot of our energy and attention goes doesn't it, ...to escaping and resisting that which has already taken place?   

Event Or Experience?

I also have to look at the difference between event and experience when I think about this escape thing we tend to do as humans.  The event was the actual  crisis that unfolded and also the immediate emotional and internal experience that arose in me as a result. In itself, it is not an experience...just an objective, impersonal, life happening. It had nothing to do with "me"...absolutely nothing. If I was clear of samskaras and open...it, as well as the "natural"  feeling of fear and sadness, would just blow right through me and be gone. The event  would last for a blink of an eye, in my body and psyche and then be gone.  The experience happens when whatever is happening out there, and "naturally" in here, becomes the prolonged and "unnatural" focus of our awareness.  If it gets snagged up in our old pain on its way through, reactivating memories and fears and grief; if it becomes about "me" rather than "it"; if we as these little reactive entities begin to resist  by clinging to or pushing away the event based on our likes and dislikes, wants and want-nots......it goes from being a life event to a personal experience. In this case, not a pleasant one.  It becomes about what the event[what Life] did to me.  It becomes a problem...an experience of suffering. 

Multiple Events Leading Me Here

This life event was just one of many that came at one time and I felt completely overwhelmed and burnt out...not from the number of events but the multiple and varied experiences I was going through. I want escape from "all" these experiences!  Each event tapped into and stirred up old samskaras within me...old wounding...so instead of just blowing through, all the events  got snagged up and caught up in "me" .  "Me" was kicking and screaming. It was messy and chaotic, exhausting and draining. I was experienced-out. I do know what samskaras were tapped into by each of the so called "crisis'" I was dealing with.  Old "unworthiness", and "born to be punished"  and fears of hurting and being hurt were yanked up from the depths of me. It was a lot...especially at one time.  But maybe, if all the events  didn't  happen at once, it would not have led to this "craving the ocean" and this inner reflection I am participating in now. I am aware of what needs to come up and these events have led to experiences that made me even more aware of the need  for "me" to get out of the way, so these old samskara blockages can be released.I don't want to be blocked and if it takes multiple crisis' to hit me at one time to unblock me...bring it on! (Not that Life is singling me out or anything...and not that I wouldn't say yes to some easier lessons in the  future lol...but heck "I want"  is in the way of me getting what "I need", isn't it? 

Why the Ocean?

Yes...I prefer, desire and crave the ocean.  I love being around the ocean.  It reminds me of the universal breath.  It is healing and soothing.  I feel peace when I am by the water. So when I am stressed out, I begin to dream and fantasize about escaping to the ocean.  Well, I live on the east coast and I can get to the ocean in minutes,  but in my escape fantasy...I prefer an "unfrozen" landscape...one where there is soothing sun and warmth. It is really hard to lay down on the beach where I live right now and just listen to the waves. I have a bit of an aversion for hypothermia and frostbite. Actually, I crave the sun too...that healing energy ...and right now where I live in Canada, the light though definitely lovely and getting stronger everyday, is not quite bright enough  to zap up my serotonin levels. :) (My body and mind would really benefit from a good dose of serotonin right now.) I want sun and warmth.  I don't want anymore darkness and cold.  I want the ocean and rest and healing.  I don't want any more challenges and hardship. So I dealing with some hindrances: desire and aversion. When I think of the ocean, however...I just feel "good"...(another dualistic  term that feeds desire). 

Renounce? 

So, I am still often caught up in this unwise and unwholesome way of thinking. Yet, if I said to myself "Okay you crave the ocean...that is bad...don't crave and renounce it...definitely don't feed your craving tendency by going to the ocean," I am not being wholesome or wise ether.  I am just suppressing and repressing ...putting more stuff on top of my buried stuff. What I need to do, is just be aware of these mind tendencies, these cravings, this desire for escape and realize that even if by some stroke of pure luck, I was able to go south or whereever...to sit by the ocean.. ....it would not be the solution to any suffering I may be experiencing, not long term anyway.  It would feel wonderful (and on a practical level, I do need to replenish and nurture this mind and form I have been neglecting so obviously over the last few months)...but I am evolved enough to know,  the only real lasting solution is to release these samskaras.  Without the samskaras, I will be open and free.  There will be no need for cravings or aversions. There will be no need for anything the world can provide.  I can still love it, appreciate it, learn from it, be in awe of it but I won't need it or want it to the point of craving, any longer.

Sigh! So much learning in every little experience. 

All is well!

Silent, Loving Awareness

 You are the silent awareness itself, loving awareness.

Jack Kornfield

Getting to "I Am..."

 Some day, what your life will be about, every single second of it, is to welcome everything that could ever happen so you can practice not touching it? So you just sit back there, deep inside, and get out of the way.

Michael A. Singer

A Vessel of Peace? That is what I want my Life to be...a vessel for peace to just pour through.  In order for that to happen I need to get out of the freakin way! Who has to get out of the way? The part of "I" I call "me" has to move over so that part of "I" I call "I am..." can shine forth. 

Let's recap on the difference between these two parts of "I"...

The "me" is the surface layer of "I" that the world sees.  This "me" has a name, a body with a particular physical appearance, several social roles  like mother, sister, partner, coworker, member, writer etc etc etc.  A lot of "me"s roles are based on what "me" does. "Me" is very much about the doing. Me is the personality component of "I" and that personality has been formed based upon several events that have transpired throughout  the life span of this body me is in...around it, in front of it and inside of it. Let me rephrase that...it was formed based on how those events were "expereinced"...in other words what the mind did with them and whether or not it "stored" them inside or let them go. This storing of information and the emotional energy surrounding that info has led the "me" to like and dislike certain things out there. It likes pleasure and comfort so it actively judges and determines what is desirable and what isn't...what is "good or bad, right or wrong, should be or shouldn't be". It desires and seeks things from the world that leave it feeling "good" ( a judgement term the "me" uses). What makes it feel "good" are those things that activate or remind it of the positive experiences it has stored inside.  It doesn't like pain...in fact "me" is actually more about "not experiencing pain" than it is about "experiencing pleasure".   It really, really doesn't like pain.  It sees potential pain all around it and it is constantly defending itself from in.  It attempts to  push away, deny, avoid, distract and repress and suppress.  When it does this, it is only pushing all the pain down inside itself, creating big tangled knots called samskaras.   The more painful experiences or samskaras it has stored inside the more pain potential  it will see. "Me"  sees itself as separate and vulnerable in a dangerous world full of potential pain triggers...those things that can trigger the painful experiences stored inside...so it spends most of its energy warding off , manipulating, fixing and controlling that stuff "out there" ( i.e. those 'events' of Life that it believes will bring pain or activate painful stuff stored inside) and pushing down those stored inner experiences so it doesn't feel pain in here.  "Me" is a busy little creature...working 24/7 through its entire life:  thinking and believing,  judging and doing. If we listen we can hear "me" chattering non stop inside us...telling us what is wrong...what to look out for and what to do. It never, never seems to stop. Most of us only hear and heed this part of the "I".  We think that is all we are so we obey its ceaseless commands.  That does not make us vessels of peace, let me tell ya. 

Who is this "I am"?

Ram Dass, in a Tweet he posted on February 18, 2013,  put it this way:

I am without form, without limit. I am beyond space, beyond time. I am in everything; everything is in me. I am the bliss of the universe. 

"I am", on the other hand, is the part of I in the background, in the deeper parts of "I" and is invisible.  In fact, there is often a veil between "me" and "I am", a veil of ignorance "me" created out of fear. So unless we are looking for it..."I am " stays in the shadows.  Whereas "me" is about the doing, "I am" is about the being. It doesn't have to do anything.  It just is. While the "me" is so busy, the "I am" is quiet and still.  Whereas the "me" is impermanent, ever changing and unstable, the "I am" is permanent, stable  and never changing/, While the "me" judges and reacts to the unfolding of Life circumstance and does in according to what it feels, "I am" simply   observes all of the Life that surrounds it and pours through it without judgement or a need to "do" anything about it. It  honors it and appreciates it....opening up to all of it.  It is indeed that which can allow us to be the vessel of peace we are designed  to be.   Yet "me"  is in the way! 

Let's look a little deeper inside, We will see the "me" and hear it rattling on when we do, hear what is being said, recognize the judging,  the thinking, the desire to do something. See the tendencies it has and just recognize it as the "me". Stop believing it, stop going where it tells you to go, doing what it tells you to do. Don't close when it tells you to close. Then look deeper for the veil which is made up of obstacles between you and what lay beneath them .  Often those obstacles are  our samskaras. Recognize them and just allow them to come up.  We don't have to do anything else  but get out of the way.  The "I Am"...will just shine its peace through us.

Hmmm! Sounds so easy doesn't it? 

All is well in my world. 

Talking With the Wise Ones

     There is nothing you can do with  your problems but make them worse…cuz there is no problem. There is only something you went out and touched and defined as a problem…otherwise you are aware of the unfolding of the universe.  You can do that…It is not renunciation and it is not controlling or taking . It is just remaining in the seat of conscious awareness, permitting creation to pass through  you, in  you and around you and you are fully participating in it but you are neither there or not there.

  Michael A. Singer

    What I wouldn't do to be able to sit down and have a conversation with this man. 

I have never been one for small talk...never felt comfortable with it ...always looked for something "more" in conversations.  Like lets talk about something important or nothing at all.  I am usually pretty quiet when others are talking.  I don't express or often share what is really  going on in my mind unless it is really important.  But a lot of the "important" things...like my awakening...I know, would not be considered  that "important" to others.  It would be misunderstood and deemed more than a little "woo-woo".  So I often don't share unless someone asks directly on certain subjects I had thought about a lot. That doesn't happen very often. That is why I like coming here and why I like  public speaking (and why I am pretty good at it). I can share all I kept inside for so long...what I feel really matters.  

T    There  are few out there that I can have a heartfelt conversation about Life with. Not that they are not wise, just that they think differently than I do. Most would and maybe do think I am crazier than a bag of hammers lol. I think it would take someone as woo-woo as I am to get me or  a very, very enlightened being that could see through all the crap on the surface. 

So I often imagine or dream about talking to these "wise ones" .   I dream about and imagine  talking to people like the Buddha, like Christ, like Lao Tzu or Socrates ( or any of the successive trio: Plato and Aristotle would do in a pinch) ...talking to great thinkers like Spinoza, Blaise Pascal, Michelangelo, Uell S. Anderson and Albert Einstein. ( I would really like to speak to Albert Einstein...not about numbers or physics...oh no...but just about Life). And then there are poets that have inspired me with their insightful wisdom that I would love to have a cup of tea with...Shakespeare, of course, Also Rumi, Kahlil Gibran, Tagore, Longfellow, Emerson , Samuel Taylor  Coleridge, Emily Dickinson....( and many, many more).

   II would also love to have a conversation with Thich Nhat Hanh or Wayne Dyer if they were still around; Eckhart Tolle, Deepak Chopra, Marianne Williamson, Tara Brach, Joseph Goldstein and Jack Kornfield ( yeah...I think Jack would be a cool person to talk to), would be good to converse with. 

B  So many...but...right now...I am thinking the way I think and see the world is very much aligned with the way Michael A. Singer thinks and sees the world. Everything he says just hits me a certain way and I find myself saying, "Yes!  Yes! Yes!"  It would be so cool to just be able to have a chit chat with him.  I learned so much already...his approach has opened me up so much already ...but I imagine there is so much more I could learn. 

   Anyway...Someday Life may steer me in that direction or maybe it won't...who knows.  Regardless, I will continue to come here and to work on the speaking and writing  about this stuff.  And I will continue having the greatest conversations with all these wise people (who do not judge me as  just cra-cra lol)...in my dreams.

     All is well.

   Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( March 20, 2023) Pure Awareness. https://tou.org/talks/

      

Not to Seek For Love

 Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find  all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

Rumi

All is well!

Universal Teasing and Teaching

 The universe is our greatest teacher, our greatest friend . It is always teaching us the Art of Peace.

Morihei Ueshiba 

Thinking again about disturbance and serendipity and the way things unfold.  Sometimes it seems that Life does unfold to tease or teach us something. Don't you think? It is more important for us to observe our minds in response to her little lessons and jokes, than it is to be caught up in the drama of it all. 

An Example Of Life Messing Around With My Head

  I was sitting in CCU with my sister last night. She  had finally fallen to sleep after many hours of intense anxiety and paranoia. It was such a relief to see her peaceful for even a few minutes.  She was holding my hand while she slept and with the other hand I was trying to stop calls for work coming in on my phone because each ding woke her up.  I was surprised that calls were coming in for the Monday I had booked already.  So I checked the system to see that I was cancelled for that day and that the one day was actually supposed to be a three day gig starting on Thursday. That would mean I did not show up for assignment on Thursday- no calling in or anything...just a no show. I obviously assumed  they cancelled me because I was a no show. My heart dropped...the thought of being perceived as unreliable triggers a whole bunch of stored stuff within. I was mortified. 

Mind Talk In Response To Life's Little Tricks

My mind began to race with thoughts like, "How could you be so dense?  How could you not see that it was a three day gig, not a one? Why did it work out this way?  You were not even intending to take this shift, in the first place, but accidently pushed accept and ended up with it.  Because you didn't want to let anyone down you were going to try to go in anyway. If you couldn't, you had it arranged that D. would go in, in your place.  Now this?  You booked yourself for days you didn't even know about. You just didn't show up? This is too uncanny to be coincidence.  You really must be cursed with bad luck. Imagine what that must look like, The thing you were trying to prevent happening, happened: you let people down; you were perceived as unreliable.  Come on.  You will lose this job over this. Any employer would want to  fire an unreliable 'no-show". This is a sign right?  A sign you shouldn't be doing this job, any job.This is a sign that life is going to keep pulling you away from any form of potential financial relief or pleasant distractions from the hard things in your life . You are destined for the challenge of poverty and stress. It is also  a sign that your mind is not working right.  You are too stressed! You are losing it! You can't work anymore...you are too unreliable. It will just get worse." 

And on and on and on, the mind talk went. It happened so fast.  All this, while I was holding my very sick sister's hand. I went from being so "not me" focused to complete "me-me" focus over this disturbance that showed up in my life at that moment. It wasn't this thing...this disturbance...it was what I did with it that brought the pain and suffering. This was a big trigger for old "unworthy" samskaras to get stirred up. This...the likelihood that I was going to lose this little job for a stupid mistake and a bizarre set of circumstances... on top of everything else I was dealing with at the time...did not seem like not a low hanging fruit I could use for my learning. It seemed very big at a time that was not convenient. It went dark and it went negative fast.  Bad timing, right?  A little too much, right?

From "Other" to "Me"...from Neutral To Negative

I left the hospital an hour later convinced that I would soon be living on the street , destined for one challenge after another.  All I could see was what was going wrong in my life.  It was so uncanny how things were lining up ...almost like they were all about getting me to suffer. Karma! It felt like way, way too much to deal with at one time. 

When I got home I was all worked up about the crisis' I am dealing with related to my loved ones and the money situation and the house situation...and now this potential loss of a job and the gaining of another "unreliable" and "unworthy" label from others.  I couldn't settle. I was snappy and tight.  My heart was all closed up into a tiny little ball.  It felt like there was a rock in my gut, twisting and turning making me sick. My mind kept going to, "How can I fix this? " It was all about what can I do to stop this from feeling uncomfortable outside.

Falling Back to Self

Then I remembered what Michael Singer said and I began focusing on  pulling myself from that to the moment with this mantra..."Don't need to fix.  Just need to allow. Sit with this and watch your tendency to want to fix it.  Allow whatever is underneath all that to come out. This is good! Disturbance is a key to open you up." 

Man...that was hard but I kept trying to just allow as I tossed and turned all night. Not very yogi like, was I? 

The Desire to Fix The Outside

When I got up, I gave into the tendency to fix it.  I wrote and sent a note of apology to the person I was supposed to replace ( according to the system) and supervisors. I took full ownership for the dreaded "not showing up for assignment" and I briefly explained why. Then, I let it go. Being brought up catholic...I am conditioned to feel a bit of relief with each "confession."  Man, I was setting myself up for getting canned by confessing to supervisors who  may  never hear of my mistake otherwise...but I felt relief. I was ready to accept the consequences.

 Then I get an email back from the person I thought I was replacing.  Apparently, it was all a mistake anyway.  I was not supposed to work any of those days ...at least not for this person.  Like really! I find out , in a weak moment, that I randomly didn't show up for a day I would later find out, because of a random mistake,  I  wasn't supposed to show up for. I felt horror and shame then relief and a sense of "awe" as this unfolded in front of me. This is much too coincidental not to have some purpose to it. Does it not seem that the universe is playing games with my head? That it is trying to tell me something?

What Life Would Say

If it wasn't for the fact that it has 8.5 other billions of humans to look after and much more important things to concern itself with, what could Life be saying with his bizarre little turn of events?: 

• No "sins" were committed here.  It was just a human error with a bit of divine intervention to make you look inside , not out.  How many times do I need to remind you that the problem is not with what I offer or seemingly take away...it is how you are reacting to it? 
• On a practical note, you really, really need to take care of yourself with some intense stress management.  You do have a lot on your plate and though you may not be able to control what I hand out, you certainly can try relaxing more....and saying "no."
• Stop bothering yourself about the moments in front of you....no matter how seemingly big or small they are? Remember there is a difference between the life event and the experience.  Don't make what I give you a painful experience. Leave it at event.
• You are doing a good job observing your mind. Now you got to put the pieces together.  What are you learning from your observations?
• Did you notice how quick your mind still takes you to "me-me" focus and how disturbing it is to go there?  The feeling you get from "other" focus, like you felt being there for your sister... the  genuine compassion and love...presence....when "me" is out of the way... is the "experience"  you really want.  I just showed you the contrast in that moment this little event took place.
• Did you notice the fear? Your fear of  appearing unreliable is a sign you got something stuck inside you that is going to be unpleasant to release. 
• You really need to keep opening up so that samskara of unworthiness can work itself through you.  I am  triggering it so it can come through.  Get out of the way and let me do my thing. 
• You are still personalizing what little me is experiencing...you slipped into victimhood pretty quickly, didn't you?  In those few moments after your realized the mistake your mind pulled in every thing it deemed as negative that was going on around you, to prove that you were indeed a victim of Life. That is just your mind playing games with you...not me! As if I have the time and energy to make it all about you....when there is another 8.5 billion of your kind to deal with, not to mention the trillions of galaxies I am in charge of. Come on!
• You noticed how quickly you went from neutral to negative...there is still that propensity in you to go in that direction. That is okay...just be aware of it.  Don't beat yourself up for it like you also tend to do...be compassionate for your broken bits that keep pulling you into darkness. Maybe a little more positive affirmations may help?
• I see you used a wise mantra to pull you away from the tendency to want to fix this.  You knew it was better to just practice sitting and relaxing into what is than it was trying to change it,  "do" something about it. You did try...good for you! 
• But the compulsion was strong to "do" something, to "fix" what happened out there so you could feel better in here.  So you sent out that email...a form of guilt relief. How did that work for you?  You confessed to a crime you basically didn't commit and now you may have to serve the time.  What would have happened if you spent more time relaxing, allowing, appreciating and learning from this little disturbance rather than doing? (and you do see that it is little right...one little blink of this little speck on a grain of salt's  eye) ...It probably would have taken care of itself, right?  I didn't do that to punish you.  I just did that to show you. 
• You have to ask yourself too: Do you really want to work at this job? Are you afraid and if so of what?  Is your "me" still getting in the way of you just doing your job without any attachment to outcome?  And what would this be like if little me wasn't in the way?  I think you know the answer to that.
• Anyway...please just take what I give you and learn and grow from it! I want to fill you from head to toe.  Let me. Get Out Of The Way!

All is well in my world.