Among the most poisonous consequences of shame is the loss of compassion for oneself. The more severe the trauma, the more total that loss.
Gabor Mate, page 30
I am feeling pretty unbalanced right now by life circumstances and the rumbling samskaras under my surface layer. I often feel this way, especially lately. Dealing with the reality of a very sick loved one and her very heavy pain is not made any easier by the mess that surrounds me in this household and the evidence of farther debt. This is brought on by the taking into "my home ( look at me still so attached to "my" and "mine") others in need. My space is crowded and impossible to keep clean ( of course, I am not the greatest house keeper anyway). I feel those old inadequacy samskaras bumping around as I look at the mess. I hear the inner voices whispering to me that, I should be ashamed for not cleaning the house better and letting others live in this mess. That it is my fault and that I am "bad" for letting it get like this." I seek the solace of my words, my solitude, my yoga, and my learning when these voices chirp up but there is so many interruptions and seeming demands on my time and energy. ...not to mention what it is doing to my finances, that I cannot seem to "relax" enough. Today I "had to"(that is the way I perceived , rather than it being a choice) take 2500 dollars from my credit line so someone could get their wisdom teeth out. I have no idea how I am going to pay that back...none! And there is the other stressors that have been on my parenting plate for years...children suffering and I have no idea how to help them. It feels like arrows in the gut each and every time I am made aware of that suffering. I don't want to close my eyes to it or anything, I don't ...but man it is hard to observe. The body holds onto these experiences in the core, tightening and doing God knows what to the GI track. There is shoulder pain and jaw clenching that leads not only to sore jaws but cracked teeth. I need to go to a dentist but heck...I keep telling myself , it can wait; what this "me" needs can wait until things around it calm down a bit. They just don't seem to calm down for long.
This, my dear friends, is Stress with a capitol "S". It isn't trauma but it is stress. This stress , however, activates and aggravates old trauma wounds held within us creating a more "intense" experience than there really has to be. When these things get activated, old core beliefs arise and we often base our perceptions, decisions and choices on those wounding beliefs...One such belief many of us share is the belief that we are inadequate or even "bad" and we have to be nice and giving and work extra hard to make up for our badness, our unworthiness , to pay extra rent for being on this planet that we don't deserve to be on. We therefore make other people's needs more important than our own.
It is obvious that I am doing that. It is obvious that I have lost compassion for myself. Oh man, I can tell a tale of woe...not for self-compassion purposes but to gain pity from others. Pity, somehow, my twisted mind will tell me, reduces the rent I have to pay for being on a planet I do not deserve to be on. Sigh! It is challenging to recognize how pathetic and convoluted one's belief about "self" remains becasue of old trauma wounding. ...even when we think we have done so much work. There is so much about our trauma we need to learn to face before we get close to Self realization.
Now, I know it seems that I am taking a step backward from all the amazing teachings I learned and shared here related to getting beyond "self" to "Self"; about getting beyond suffering by relaxing and releasing all our samskaras and recognizing that we are not the "me" that was wounded. Right now, I am talking more about "self" than I am "Self" as I read Gabor Mate's wonderful book. I feared this would happen but I also see the need for this to happen. We do need to understand, to some degree, how "self" was created, how "self" was injured and how "self" perceives the world because it was injured , before we can heal at the deepest level ...taking us back home to the unwounded Self. We need to see how the broken "self" is distorting our view and our appreciation of the moment.
We need to face our traumas...allow the samskaras to arise and release if we want to realize Self.
Facing it[ the wounding of "me"] directly without either denial or overidentification becomes a doorway to health and balance.
Gabor Mate, page 35
All is well!
Gabor Mate ( 2022) the Myth of Normal. Knopf Canada: (Penguin Random House)
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