There are no decisions; there is only interaction with what is in front of you. Decisions come because you have attachments, desires and fears, The only thing that will help you is to let go. If you let go of your stuff-there are no decisions- there is just life.
Michael A. Singer
I am craving the ocean. That is something that I want to look at from all angles.
First, I need to look deeply into the craving itself and remind myself how desire is the root to most of our suffering.
Craving is Desire and Desire is Escape!
Desire or preference is as Michael Singer says, a way of compensating for our blockages. When I crave something I am desiring...wanting something other than what is...in an attempt to escape from the reality that is triggering old pain inside me. Hmmm! I definitely want to escape my present reality...those events and circumstances that are and have already taken place. Wow! Why do we try to escape things that have already happened when there is nothing left to escape from and there is no changing what happened? For example, my sister is recovering wonderfully on the physical level...miracle really. The crisis with her health is done and gone...yet I watched part of me wanting to escape it the whole time it was happening and that part of me is still telling me to "run!" That time of her being on a ventilator between life and death is over...it took care of itself...and even if it didn't there is no going back in time to make it "not happen". Is there? Yet that is where a lot of our energy and attention goes doesn't it, ...to escaping and resisting that which has already taken place?
Event Or Experience?
I also have to look at the difference between event and experience when I think about this escape thing we tend to do as humans. The event was the actual crisis that unfolded and also the immediate emotional and internal experience that arose in me as a result. In itself, it is not an experience...just an objective, impersonal, life happening. It had nothing to do with "me"...absolutely nothing. If I was clear of samskaras and open...it, as well as the "natural" feeling of fear and sadness, would just blow right through me and be gone. The event would last for a blink of an eye, in my body and psyche and then be gone. The experience happens when whatever is happening out there, and "naturally" in here, becomes the prolonged and "unnatural" focus of our awareness. If it gets snagged up in our old pain on its way through, reactivating memories and fears and grief; if it becomes about "me" rather than "it"; if we as these little reactive entities begin to resist by clinging to or pushing away the event based on our likes and dislikes, wants and want-nots......it goes from being a life event to a personal experience. In this case, not a pleasant one. It becomes about what the event[what Life] did to me. It becomes a problem...an experience of suffering.
Multiple Events Leading Me Here
This life event was just one of many that came at one time and I felt completely overwhelmed and burnt out...not from the number of events but the multiple and varied experiences I was going through. I want escape from "all" these experiences! Each event tapped into and stirred up old samskaras within me...old wounding...so instead of just blowing through, all the events got snagged up and caught up in "me" . "Me" was kicking and screaming. It was messy and chaotic, exhausting and draining. I was experienced-out. I do know what samskaras were tapped into by each of the so called "crisis'" I was dealing with. Old "unworthiness", and "born to be punished" and fears of hurting and being hurt were yanked up from the depths of me. It was a lot...especially at one time. But maybe, if all the events didn't happen at once, it would not have led to this "craving the ocean" and this inner reflection I am participating in now. I am aware of what needs to come up and these events have led to experiences that made me even more aware of the need for "me" to get out of the way, so these old samskara blockages can be released.I don't want to be blocked and if it takes multiple crisis' to hit me at one time to unblock me...bring it on! (Not that Life is singling me out or anything...and not that I wouldn't say yes to some easier lessons in the future lol...but heck "I want" is in the way of me getting what "I need", isn't it?
Why the Ocean?
Yes...I prefer, desire and crave the ocean. I love being around the ocean. It reminds me of the universal breath. It is healing and soothing. I feel peace when I am by the water. So when I am stressed out, I begin to dream and fantasize about escaping to the ocean. Well, I live on the east coast and I can get to the ocean in minutes, but in my escape fantasy...I prefer an "unfrozen" landscape...one where there is soothing sun and warmth. It is really hard to lay down on the beach where I live right now and just listen to the waves. I have a bit of an aversion for hypothermia and frostbite. Actually, I crave the sun too...that healing energy ...and right now where I live in Canada, the light though definitely lovely and getting stronger everyday, is not quite bright enough to zap up my serotonin levels. :) (My body and mind would really benefit from a good dose of serotonin right now.) I want sun and warmth. I don't want anymore darkness and cold. I want the ocean and rest and healing. I don't want any more challenges and hardship. So I dealing with some hindrances: desire and aversion. When I think of the ocean, however...I just feel "good"...(another dualistic term that feeds desire).
Renounce?
So, I am still often caught up in this unwise and unwholesome way of thinking. Yet, if I said to myself "Okay you crave the ocean...that is bad...don't crave and renounce it...definitely don't feed your craving tendency by going to the ocean," I am not being wholesome or wise ether. I am just suppressing and repressing ...putting more stuff on top of my buried stuff. What I need to do, is just be aware of these mind tendencies, these cravings, this desire for escape and realize that even if by some stroke of pure luck, I was able to go south or whereever...to sit by the ocean.. ....it would not be the solution to any suffering I may be experiencing, not long term anyway. It would feel wonderful (and on a practical level, I do need to replenish and nurture this mind and form I have been neglecting so obviously over the last few months)...but I am evolved enough to know, the only real lasting solution is to release these samskaras. Without the samskaras, I will be open and free. There will be no need for cravings or aversions. There will be no need for anything the world can provide. I can still love it, appreciate it, learn from it, be in awe of it but I won't need it or want it to the point of craving, any longer.
Sigh! So much learning in every little experience.
All is well!
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