The universe is our greatest teacher, our greatest friend . It is always teaching us the Art of Peace.
Morihei Ueshiba
Thinking again about disturbance and serendipity and the way things unfold. Sometimes it seems that Life does unfold to tease or teach us something. Don't you think? It is more important for us to observe our minds in response to her little lessons and jokes, than it is to be caught up in the drama of it all.
An Example Of Life Messing Around With My Head
I was sitting in CCU with my sister last night. She had finally fallen to sleep after many hours of intense anxiety and paranoia. It was such a relief to see her peaceful for even a few minutes. She was holding my hand while she slept and with the other hand I was trying to stop calls for work coming in on my phone because each ding woke her up. I was surprised that calls were coming in for the Monday I had booked already. So I checked the system to see that I was cancelled for that day and that the one day was actually supposed to be a three day gig starting on Thursday. That would mean I did not show up for assignment on Thursday- no calling in or anything...just a no show. I obviously assumed they cancelled me because I was a no show. My heart dropped...the thought of being perceived as unreliable triggers a whole bunch of stored stuff within. I was mortified.
Mind Talk In Response To Life's Little Tricks
My mind began to race with thoughts like, "How could you be so dense? How could you not see that it was a three day gig, not a one? Why did it work out this way? You were not even intending to take this shift, in the first place, but accidently pushed accept and ended up with it. Because you didn't want to let anyone down you were going to try to go in anyway. If you couldn't, you had it arranged that D. would go in, in your place. Now this? You booked yourself for days you didn't even know about. You just didn't show up? This is too uncanny to be coincidence. You really must be cursed with bad luck. Imagine what that must look like, The thing you were trying to prevent happening, happened: you let people down; you were perceived as unreliable. Come on. You will lose this job over this. Any employer would want to fire an unreliable 'no-show". This is a sign right? A sign you shouldn't be doing this job, any job.This is a sign that life is going to keep pulling you away from any form of potential financial relief or pleasant distractions from the hard things in your life . You are destined for the challenge of poverty and stress. It is also a sign that your mind is not working right. You are too stressed! You are losing it! You can't work anymore...you are too unreliable. It will just get worse."
And on and on and on, the mind talk went. It happened so fast. All this, while I was holding my very sick sister's hand. I went from being so "not me" focused to complete "me-me" focus over this disturbance that showed up in my life at that moment. It wasn't this thing...this disturbance...it was what I did with it that brought the pain and suffering. This was a big trigger for old "unworthy" samskaras to get stirred up. This...the likelihood that I was going to lose this little job for a stupid mistake and a bizarre set of circumstances... on top of everything else I was dealing with at the time...did not seem like not a low hanging fruit I could use for my learning. It seemed very big at a time that was not convenient. It went dark and it went negative fast. Bad timing, right? A little too much, right?
From "Other" to "Me"...from Neutral To Negative
I left the hospital an hour later convinced that I would soon be living on the street , destined for one challenge after another. All I could see was what was going wrong in my life. It was so uncanny how things were lining up ...almost like they were all about getting me to suffer. Karma! It felt like way, way too much to deal with at one time.
When I got home I was all worked up about the crisis' I am dealing with related to my loved ones and the money situation and the house situation...and now this potential loss of a job and the gaining of another "unreliable" and "unworthy" label from others. I couldn't settle. I was snappy and tight. My heart was all closed up into a tiny little ball. It felt like there was a rock in my gut, twisting and turning making me sick. My mind kept going to, "How can I fix this? " It was all about what can I do to stop this from feeling uncomfortable outside.
Falling Back to Self
Then I remembered what Michael Singer said and I began focusing on pulling myself from that to the moment with this mantra..."Don't need to fix. Just need to allow. Sit with this and watch your tendency to want to fix it. Allow whatever is underneath all that to come out. This is good! Disturbance is a key to open you up."
Man...that was hard but I kept trying to just allow as I tossed and turned all night. Not very yogi like, was I?
The Desire to Fix The Outside
When I got up, I gave into the tendency to fix it. I wrote and sent a note of apology to the person I was supposed to replace ( according to the system) and supervisors. I took full ownership for the dreaded "not showing up for assignment" and I briefly explained why. Then, I let it go. Being brought up catholic...I am conditioned to feel a bit of relief with each "confession." Man, I was setting myself up for getting canned by confessing to supervisors who may never hear of my mistake otherwise...but I felt relief. I was ready to accept the consequences.
Then I get an email back from the person I thought I was replacing. Apparently, it was all a mistake anyway. I was not supposed to work any of those days ...at least not for this person. Like really! I find out , in a weak moment, that I randomly didn't show up for a day I would later find out, because of a random mistake, I wasn't supposed to show up for. I felt horror and shame then relief and a sense of "awe" as this unfolded in front of me. This is much too coincidental not to have some purpose to it. Does it not seem that the universe is playing games with my head? That it is trying to tell me something?
What Life Would Say
If it wasn't for the fact that it has 8.5 other billions of humans to look after and much more important things to concern itself with, what could Life be saying with his bizarre little turn of events?:
- No "sins" were committed here. It was just a human error with a bit of divine intervention to make you look inside , not out. How many times do I need to remind you that the problem is not with what I offer or seemingly take away...it is how you are reacting to it?
- On a practical note, you really, really need to take care of yourself with some intense stress management. You do have a lot on your plate and though you may not be able to control what I hand out, you certainly can try relaxing more....and saying "no."
- Stop bothering yourself about the moments in front of you....no matter how seemingly big or small they are? Remember there is a difference between the life event and the experience. Don't make what I give you a painful experience. Leave it at event.
- You are doing a good job observing your mind. Now you got to put the pieces together. What are you learning from your observations?
- Did you notice how quick your mind still takes you to "me-me" focus and how disturbing it is to go there? The feeling you get from "other" focus, like you felt being there for your sister... the genuine compassion and love...presence....when "me" is out of the way... is the "experience" you really want. I just showed you the contrast in that moment this little event took place.
- Did you notice the fear? Your fear of appearing unreliable is a sign you got something stuck inside you that is going to be unpleasant to release.
- You really need to keep opening up so that samskara of unworthiness can work itself through you. I am triggering it so it can come through. Get out of the way and let me do my thing.
- You are still personalizing what little me is experiencing...you slipped into victimhood pretty quickly, didn't you? In those few moments after your realized the mistake your mind pulled in every thing it deemed as negative that was going on around you, to prove that you were indeed a victim of Life. That is just your mind playing games with you...not me! As if I have the time and energy to make it all about you....when there is another 8.5 billion of your kind to deal with, not to mention the trillions of galaxies I am in charge of. Come on!
- You noticed how quickly you went from neutral to negative...there is still that propensity in you to go in that direction. That is okay...just be aware of it. Don't beat yourself up for it like you also tend to do...be compassionate for your broken bits that keep pulling you into darkness. Maybe a little more positive affirmations may help?
- I see you used a wise mantra to pull you away from the tendency to want to fix this. You knew it was better to just practice sitting and relaxing into what is than it was trying to change it, "do" something about it. You did try...good for you!
- But the compulsion was strong to "do" something, to "fix" what happened out there so you could feel better in here. So you sent out that email...a form of guilt relief. How did that work for you? You confessed to a crime you basically didn't commit and now you may have to serve the time. What would have happened if you spent more time relaxing, allowing, appreciating and learning from this little disturbance rather than doing? (and you do see that it is little right...one little blink of this little speck on a grain of salt's eye) ...It probably would have taken care of itself, right? I didn't do that to punish you. I just did that to show you.
- You have to ask yourself too: Do you really want to work at this job? Are you afraid and if so of what? Is your "me" still getting in the way of you just doing your job without any attachment to outcome? And what would this be like if little me wasn't in the way? I think you know the answer to that.
- Anyway...please just take what I give you and learn and grow from it! I want to fill you from head to toe. Let me. Get Out Of The Way!
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