Empty handed, existence is love but is like water running from a hose. It all depends on which direction you point it.
Alan Watts
Do you point that hose of natural, free flowing love enough in your own direction, at your self? And what part of self are we talking when we say "self"? Hmm those are pretty important questions. Ones that I am pondering right now. In a nutshell, I am realizing that I seldom show compassion for "me"... I am seldom kind to myself. In fact, I am beyond "unkind" to myself...I am down right abusive. Sigh! That is somewhat difficult to admit, especially on a public forum, like this.
So why are you sharing all this personal crap here, crazy lady?
I believe, in the old axiom: "Go big or stay home." So I guess that is why I spill it all out here. What I gain in terms of learning, I do so feel I must share. Of course, no one is obligated to learn from or even read anything I write. If you just happen to be reading along in any of my entries and you see me using the word "I" , you may begin to question, " Why is this crazy lady always going on about herself?" Please know I don't expect you to read on. It is only if what I say resonates with something in you, should you do so. My intention is not "egoic", (though ego is certainly still lingering around) but, even still, you may not need or even want what I have to say.
Kind or Unkind to Self?
So let's get back to the question. Do you tend to be kind or unkind to yourself....and what part of self are you being kind or unkind to? If you notice that you are often unkind to yourself, or if you are confused about which part of self we should be kind to, please read on. Also please note that it takes a lot of courageous and painful insight to look deeply enough into what you truly believe about yourself.
So do you love yourself enough and which part of you do you love?
The part of "me" that is challenging to love
As I reflect on my own internal experience, I see I have great respect and love for my "higher being". ( I still have not completely accepted yet that this higher being is not a separate entity but a part of what I actually am. It is pretty easy to love it as long as I still see it "out there" and not "in here"). On the other hand, I am seeing, upon some painful reflection, that I have "deep hostile contempt" for my lower being...this person I call me who is a mother, sister, partner, friend, who has roles out there in community related to teaching, who has a limited amount of money in her account and whose body and mind are also limited. If I look deeply and I have to go deep...I see the truth and it is painful. To see that my relationship with myself is absent of a certain degree of love is one thing, but to see that it is full of hostile and overly critical "contempt" is quite disturbing. I always knew I was one to put others needs first and to not value my own as much...but "hostile contempt"? Wow! That is hard to swallow.
An Example of Unkindness
For example, instead of showing myself compassion when I am ill and unable to work...I actually punish myself very harshly. I have worked only one day in March because of everything that went down and my physical and emotional reaction to it actually exhausted me. Chest pain was a consequence. Now though it it is still there, it has subsided a bit and I thought I could work today when I realized I didn't have to look after my grandson. I made myself available with every intention of going in. But I became quite ill during the night with a generalized heaviness, nonstop sweating, smothery feeling and stomach upset. I tossed and turned. I just felt awful and when I finally fell asleep I get a phone call from my daughter...another crisis that I could not even lift my head to deal with. D. took the phone from me and took over. Anyway, that just aggravated my symptoms and long story short, I did not go in today.
I would totally understand if another didn't work based on these conditions, I would , but I beat myself up for my lack of availability. Underneath the armour of insisting and proving to others [and self] that I am not being the productive member of society I know 'I should be", for good reason, I am constantly punishing myself. I accuse myself of being a wimp and making too much of things, of using illness to avoid that which I fear. And the mind continues to remind me that my fear is totally abnormal and unacceptable, adding to the reasons why I am so much less worthy than others, why I have to pay extra rent for being on this planet that people like me just do not deserve to be on. I am often "beating myself up" in so many ways. Disrespect, resentment, extreme criticism, unreal expectations as to what I need to do to redeem myself so I can be at least partially worthy, prejudice, down right cruelty, hatred and abuse...that is what I feed myself, have fed myself for most of my life. When the persona I have built to redeem myself cracks open and I have the audacity to say to myself or others, " I am suffering, " man, does the verbal abuse ensue. You see, I have been taught through my experiences, that suffering is my penance. My penance for what sin? For my sin of being alive.
Pretty drastic, eh? You might be saying to yourself at this point, "Yeah, you really are a crazy lady." The thing is, I am not the only person who does this when they are being less than perfect, am I? The expression "beating myself up" would not be as popular as it it is, if I were. Many of us find it difficult to love ourselves fully, many of us are unkind and some of us, are like me, down right abusive.
Core Beliefs and Old Programming
Now I know how irrational these thoughts and core beliefs are. I also know where they come from and what this "little me" endured to make it think like this. Knowing that, one would think that understanding and compassion would be warranted but no...my mind just resumes the messages that others have started without an ounce of compassion, Now I have done work...so much work on the psychological and spiritual level to deprogram this messaging and sometimes I even feel that I have. But every now and again, like recently, I am reminded that I am still tangled up in a toxic and abusive relationship with self. The samskaras, making it so, are very deep.
So does internal programing have anything to do with our being ill? Of course, it does. It has everything to do with my heart condition!!! I have always been a big believer in the psychosomatic cause of all physical illness. The mind is much more powerful than the body! Though there are definite (albeit somewhat benign) biologic, structural and genetic variables in my case, they are not the real cause of my health issues. My mind is...more specifically...these impressions that I stored inside are. Life triggers these samskaras...they start to rise and the vicious internal dialogue starts...even if I am not actively listening for it ( or closing my ears to it by filling my mind with positive affirmations) . The dialogue comes with the emergence of the samskaras.
It is also important to note that these stored impressions are also arising naturally the more I practice releasing and relaxing into life. I guess one would say that the samskaras and the attached messages and core beliefs are making their way out. That is a great thing...that is what I want...The problem arises when I push them back down because they are so challenging to deal with when I have so many other external stressors on my plate. My recent bout of chest pain and whatever it was that kept me awake last night is a result of me resorting to old habit tendencies of pushing it all back down. Because the wiser part of me knows that they really need to come out, each pushing back down reaction is being more dramatically felt by my body and mind. "Get it out already!!"
Now the month of March alone was crazy, even without the chest pain thing. Crazy!!! Anyone that goes through even a part of what I went through would receive a fair degree of compassion from others. Yet, here I am beating myself up for not going to work and not fixing everyone's problems!
Patterns of Difference
Kristen Neff, an expert on Self Compassion, reminds us in the video below that there is patterns of difference between how we tend o treat others and how we treat ourselves during times of suffering. I know how I treat others, how I have treated others this month, is and was very compassionate. I feel the others pain, I do not judge, I give myself 100 percent, I listen. I validate. I talk in a very kind and calm tone. I encouraged them to rest, to prioritize their own healing, and to nurture and nourish their lives with joy. There is no criticism...I accept and allow "all of them: the good , the bad, the ugly", even when they get abusive towards me because of their pain. And the two people I was there for the most this month were people who literally put themselves in the situation they were in and who still refuse to take an ounce of accountability for it. I understand their resistance and the level of pain that has led them there, I do. I have deep compassion. I am just saying.
The Dialogue to Self is not the Dialogue to Others
I did not treat myself with the same regard. Here I am, one imperfect and tired human form, holding all this and I am beating myself up. This is what I say to myself in a tone that is very hostile and hateful: "What are you complaining about. It isn't about you! You are so selfish. And you talk about being spiritual and here you are complaining about being there for others. Why aren't you doing more? Why aren't you there more? Boo-hooo...so you have a little chest pain, so you are a little tired...making it all about you again are ya? Pathetic! Who do you think you are? You can't think of yourself....now Get back out there. Serve more. Stop being so selfish. And why aren't you working? Look at the state of your finances. Imagine...at your age and with all that education...pathetic...you have nothing to give to people who need it...all because you decided to let a little fainting and a little pain keep you from working like a normal human being. You could have kept working at the college ! It wasn't that bad. Now you have a chance to redeem yourself and you are blowing it! You certainly can't do it well ...everyone will know that soon enough...but at least it is a job. You are letting this stop you again. You are just a wimp...a scaredy cat! Pathetic. Why do you think it was so hard for everyone to believe you? Because it wasn't that bad. You just made too much of it, like you make too much of everything. God...you are pathetic. No wonder why everyone thinks you are crazy. Why no one would want you working for them...you are just all smoke and no substance on the surface and crazy on the inside. Weird! You probably just used it because you were afraid. Man...you are useless and unproductive...a failure really...a loser...these things are all happening to you for a reason. You need to be punished!"
Have you ever stopped and simply listened to how you speak to yourself and what you say? Yeah, it can be pretty brutal. Neff tells us we speak that harshly to ourselves because we are trying to drill ourselves back into shape when we feel we are losing control. We become drill sergeant's wanting to create strong soldiers who can fix the situation we are losing control of. That could be true but I think we do it mostly to carry on the messaging we received from others in our past. I know that is it in my case.
Anyway, what do we do about it?
Turn the Hose Inward
Well you know that hose of pure and unconditional love that naturally flows through us? We need to point it in our own direction. Give yourself a good soaking. You deserve it ( even though your mind may tell you differently) . Watch how you treat others and know that you are definitely capable of expressing compassion and loving kindness...so turn it inward.
Remember that Self doesn't need our love because it is Love
When we turn that light in we have a choice as to what to shine it on. There is this little me with all its habit tendencies, its vices, its wrong view and there is the Deeper I." What self do we shine the light of love on. That is easy...the Deeper I does not need love becasue it is love. The little me needs to be pulled up from the lower energies, into Self realization, by the healing power of Love. Focus there...focus on loving "me" even if it isn't a hundred percent real.
Accept all parts of "me"
Ram Dass tells us that loving ourselves is all about accepting all parts of this "me"...all our imperfections, mistakes, unwholesome tendencies as well as all the things we do right. So write a list sometime of all the things about you that you are okay with...and then go a little farther and write down what you are not so okay with...watch your internal reaction when you get there. Then say, "And this too!" "This belongs and that belongs...and this too!" Even your resistance to those parts of yourself that cause you to be unkind to you...belong. We have to notice and allow it all. Love starts with acceptance.
Look Deeply at the Roots
Then of course, we need to look deeply at the root causes of our self hatred or lack of self love...just notice there is a reason for it. And then we need to accept that reason. Accept that samskaras have formed in us from that conditioning and maybe even learn to love them too. Just allow it all..."And this too!"
Notice, Reconstruct and Nurture
Then take a step back, breathe and notice when you are talking to yourself less than kindly or failing to give your self what it needs at the time. Notice and reconstruct those old patterns and tendencies with new behaviours, new words, new tones. It may take some time to do but we can learn to treat ourselves better.
Stop Resisting, Stop Pushing the Samskaras Back Down and Let Go
Most importantly, we need to stop pushing back down what is coming up for reasons of shame and fear. When the samskaras start emerging , let them...with them will come the old habit tendencies of self abuse ...notice, allow and then let go. We have to let them come up , no matter how much buried pain comes up with them, if we want them out. Let it all go.
Hmm! Well that is how I see it anyway but what do I know?
All is well.
Ram Dass (2023 ) Self Love https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUDaQHKELpk
Kristen Neff (July, 2020)Self Compassion in Difficult Times. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoqSvlakeSQ
Alan Watts(Feb 2020) We Must learn To Love Ourselves https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jK-_0CTRezU
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