Like most things in life, these deeper spiritual states take time. Just do the inner work, and the energy will start flowing. Once the floodgates open within you, you will have all the help you need for the ascent.
Flood Gates Yet To Be Opened
Well, I guess things are bothering "me". I mean..."me" is bothered by things. I realized last night that these little hands inside are still doing their routine of clinging and pushing away, while they continue to attempt to push down the old samskaras as they emerge. It is funny how that works. I think I am doing so great in my Life practice (that is what I am going to call it from now on). I think I am so much more advanced than I actually am. I think things are just flowing through me...the little things like other opinion and the bigger things like the suffering of others I am so often made aware of. I intend it to flow through but at three in the morning I realize...nope ...it didn't get through. It is still there, tangled up in the mess. I am bothered. I am closing up."
On its journey through me, stuff still gets snagged on whatever is built up inside me. Just like blood gets caught up on the uneven plaque build up in a vessel lumen, forming clots and other blockages, these outer world observations, thoughts and emotions keep getting snagged on their way through me. I feel the new experiences bumping against the old stuff and it hurts. Despite my motivation and my assumption that I am "handling it", the old tendencies of pushing down and away or clinging to, still transpire. Old voices emerge from the depths, "You need to please everyone and when you don't you are failing. You are inadequate, not enough therefore you have to "do" more in order to earn your rent here on earth. If you can't fix it..."Run! Just run from this job (you are not doing any good there,anyway), run from the people who need you...just run! "" Totally irrational , but those are the common, universal voices we may hear when we are aware and listening. These voices and core beliefs are mixed up in the repressed and suppressed emotional energies rumbling inside too many of us.
Just keep letting go. No matter what happens, keep letting go.
I know they are there in this version of a human being. I want them out! I want all these samskaras to come bubbling up to the surface in some volcanic explosion, no matter how painful it might be... I want that pressure gone. I am so sick of all the triggering and the rumbling and the earth trembling. Just release already!
Bring It On!....On Second Thought....
And part of me looks at these experiences, when I observe that I am not pleasing others for whatever reason, when I feel the activation within me of old stuff, the "sting" ...as a positive thing. I do. I know, intuitively, every opportunity like this offers a release of some of this trapped stuff. I catch myself even saying (and meaning, at the time), "Good! It is happening. I feel the "sting". It is coming up and I am going to let it. What a wonderful opportunity this experience is giving me to heal. Bring it on! "
I think I am letting it all go until three in the morning when I catch myself ruminating, catch myself wondering what I can "do" to "fix" this in the future...not fix the insides but the outer world situation that is triggering me and how I can avoid feeling this way again. Then I realize, "Oh shoot! I am doing it again. Those little hands inside me are at it again. They have not let go."
These states are not going to happen all at once and then stay there. You'll get rushes from time to time because something opens up. Its okay if it closes back down; don't worry. You still have work to do.
Lots of Work Left To Do
So last night I noticed my mind, I noticed what my body was doing in reaction to it...that tightness in the solar plexus, the clenching of the jaw and the ticker acting up in the way it does. Everything felt so dark again, heavy. So I sat up and I meditated...focusing on breath, focusing on the sounds I was hearing around me/near me/ in me. Then I did a body scan. The reactivity kept pulling me back in ...away from my body focus...but I came back again and again to breath, to my body, to the moment. My intentions was not to resist the mind stuff, it was just not to let it pull me away for too long...to keep coming back, to relax. I got pulled away but I came back again and again and again until I felt I was "relaxed" enough to allow all of it. Then I did this thing where I breathed in an intention for "an opening" and breathed out an intention for a "release". I really wanted that release. There was so much intention in each out breath, but all that came up were a few tears... a trickle rather than a volcanic explosion But, on a positive note, I could feel myself relaxing into all of this emotional experience brought on by the outer world ones. When I was done relaxing, I fell back to sleep in no time. So I guess, if we are measuring progress in my Life practice...that is progress. A trickle of samskara release is better than nothing, is it not? I am more mindful of what my mind is doing...that is progress too. I guess we should expect to take a step back for every couple we take forward in any type of practice, right? And Life is a practice!
Above all, I know, I really know, that there is nothing "wrong" with anyone or anything out there in terms of my experience...therefore there is nothing to fix out there. Whatever is happening to me, is mine...all mine and I need to go inside to fix it! I know, without a shadow of a doubt, both intuitively and rationally, that it is all about the samskaras. I want them gone. But I am also realizing it is not something that is going to happen over night for me. I need patience in my practice, renewing my commitment for true healing and realization every day. My Life practice is no different than any other practice I take on....it isn't going to perfect and it isn't going to be easy. I am going to slip up and fall back again and again and again. I can learn from every slip up and keep going.
Hmmm!
Be diligent but give it time. Eventually, the upward flow will never leave you. You will become a knower of your soul, a knower of spirit.
All is well in my world..
Michael A. Singer (2022) living untethered. New Harbinger/ Sounds True. Page 201
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