By the Soul Only

Life cannot be acquired by the mind.  It can only be understood by the soul.
-me

Only the Soul Can Write Poetry and Understand it

Wow!  That poem from the last post  popped out of me pretty fast.  I knew I had to write  a poem.  I dreamt a poem last night...had all the stanzas and meter and rhythm down perfectly in my mind.  So I sat down this morning as soon as I woke up to see if it would come out. 

This one came out instead...in a little over ten minutes.  It is one of those poems I have no idea what it means ...yet.  When I go back in a few days it will make perfect sense to me.  I know it has something to do with my attempts to understand what is going on inside me but I am not going to get to the message right now.  Head is still spinning.  I just think it is amazing that it came out of me.

Poetry is not necessarily about perfection or technique as it is about truth.  Poetry offers us a certain truth that comes from the soul and speaks to our soul more so than our minds.  So how can it be good or bad?  Maybe poetry is some thing we cannot judge in that way. We just have to be willing to hear the truth.  All truth is beautiful isn't it? 

Whether we write it or read it... poetry is simply "Soul talk".  Hmmm!

All is well in my world.

Restless wind

Restless Wind

I feel you pulling me a part
and making me whole
like I have never been
yet have always been
at the  same time
which is no time

blowing like a restless wind
that has some place it needs to go
determined to get through
you open up parts of me I don't want opened
and leave me standing in the wake of your destruction
in the aftermath of your perfection

you whisper things to me as you rustle through
dipping and dodging through my weary mind
as I attempt to understand your garbled speech
and memorize  your lessons
to no avail
your instruction is beyond me
yet it is me

I spin around in circles
trying to grasp you
catch you
own you
but I can't
like the tiny grains of sand on a beach
you slither and wiggle through the spaces in my fingers
and are gone
leaving me with nothing tangible to hold on to
to make sense of

yet
in the nothingness
in the emptiness
in the ignorance I walk away with
I know
you have shown me
everything I need to know


Dale-Lyn 2017

A Practice with "The Opposite Challenge"

Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen. -
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Another Whiny Rampage

Oh well...so much for being pelvic pain free lol.  I am even more convinced that it is nothing more than a bit of endometriosis flaring up as my hormones go flaring out.  Night sweats like you wouldn't believe.  Anyway controlling the pain with good old Naprosyn which takes care of the other issues too.  So I am good.  Might not have felt so great last evening well into the wee hours of the morning but right now I am good...and now is all there is.:)

Enough of that.  Now to get on to The Opposite Challenge

Working on what I call the "Opposite Challenge" to help me deal with all the "unwanted" things in my life that I have been resisting and therefore they have been persisting.  :)

I began  a four column list the other day.  In the first column entitled "What I don't want" I  write out and describe one thing that is constantly showing up in my life that I don't want. 

In the next column, my "I accept" column,  I come to peace with having this thing in my life "right now".  I write my accept affirmation in a way that allows me to step away from the feeling of being "stuck" and trapped" with this unwanted thing and implies that what ever I am experiencing is only temporary.

In the third column I write "What I want" and I do that by writing down the opposite of my don't want. 

The forth column is all about what specifically can be done to make this happen or what is expected "when" it shows up in the ideal situation( as if there was no such thing as impossible, or scarcity, or limitation).  It looks a little like this:

Here is an example

 

What I don’t want in my life right now that I might be stuffing or resisting	I accept	What I want in my life ...the Opposite of what I don't want	Things that will assist this to happen
I have  a house right now that is often dirty, messy, cluttered, dusty, smelly, full of dog hairs, with an oven in desperate need of cleaning, floors that never look clean even when they are. I feel too tired to do more than I am doing and it is getting out of control.  It is chaotic.  I and the kids are embarrassed to have people over because of it.  My daughter is ashamed of it and I feel guilt and shame for this part of my parenting…I am not providing a clean enough environment for my children.  I also worry that others…neighbors and her friends and their parents might not understand my predicament and think I am lazy and neglecting my children because of the state of my house. I do what I can but it is obviously not enough	I accept that my house is not the way I want it or believe it should be right now and that I am not keeping up with 100% of my parenting responsibility; nor am I meeting social expectations....during this time I perceive a lack of energy, and prioritize differently than others might	I want a cleaner home: one that smells fresh when you walk in the door and is free of clutter of shoes both on the matt and or in the mudroom, with walls that look fresh and clean.  I want clean countertops that are limited in harmful bacteria, sinks that look clean, crumb free bread box and utensil drawers. Clean and fresh looking cupboards inside and out, clean stove and oven, clean fridge, a floor that looks clean and is easy to manage, clean windows, tidy table, clean hardwood floors through out, paw print and nose print free glass on French doors, garbage and recyclables organized and hidden from view (and smell), bright airy living room with a couch that is dog hair free (or contained to pet covers that stay in place), clean bathrooms with  laundry organized and put away, clean bedrooms that are completely floored, and limited in pet hair and smell,  Clean, freshly painted  basement stairs and basement …creating a fresh smelling, dust free and welcoming atmosphere for the kids to hang out.    To feel good about welcoming people in to my home.	We could     hire someone to come in to do the heavy cleaning (They may need to pressure hose the whole house down :)) Hire someone to come in once a week      Throw out half the stuff I am clinging to that is adding to clutter         New stone counters that are easy to clean and care for , Paint cupboards with easy to clean paint. Paint walls, purchase a better easy to use mop that I can run through the house twice a week with purchase better garbage/recycling disposal systems for inside and out Purchase a Roomba vacuum to vacuum for me when I am too tired. (which is always lol)  This will help to keep the pet hair down to a minimum Remove wall between kitchen and living room to open up the space, allow for more air and light to circulate Better pet covers on furniture Kids to regularly help with chores (do their own laundry!)  Air purifiers Self cleaning oven Dishwasher New kitchen floor that is easy to clean ( no grouting!) Minimalize...remove lots of the furniture

We Could add Two More Columns

I could take it a step further and put in a column five entitled "I have". 

In that column I could write everything in column four as if I already have it.  For example I could write:  A professional cleaning company has come in to clean my house and now I have someone hired to come in once a week to maintain it.  At least half of the previous clutter is gone to charity. I have clean and easy to maintain stone counters that always shine,  I have freshly painted cupboards and walls that are easy to wipe clean. I mop the floor with ease twice a week with this easy to use mop. The new garbage/ recyclable container in the kitchen and the one outside...help to keep garbage hidden away.  Our Roomba works hard so I do not have to...and there is no little to no hair.  The pet covers fit nicely over the bit of furniture  we have and contain the remainders of the pet hair.  The air is fresh in this open spacious house thanks to the wall down and the air purifiers.  There is so much light brightening up everything. Kids are helping out with cooking on the self cleaning oven, taking turns loading and emptying the dishwasher; and washing and putting away their own laundry.   The kitchen floor looks clean enough to eat off of.   Kids have their space downstairs and bring friends over all the time.  I have people in as well.  It is all good."   

Probably more importantly...I should put in a column 6 entitled " I feel". 

In this column I would focus on the good feelings I have when I affirm column 5 over and over again imagining it to be true already.  "I feel peaceful, worry-free, content, warm, confident and more than welcoming when I look at my home before opening it to others.  When the doors are closed, I feel so content and peaceful in my clean little habitat.  I feel secure in knowing that I am  doing my part in creating a clean, secure environment for those I love."   The feeling component s where the vibrational energy exists. Feeling good is essential.  That feeling will come with a certain belief  in what you are saying. If you honestly do not feel good: a bit of hope, relief, excitement, peace, contentment when you do this exercise...then you need to go back and change the wording of your statement in column 5 until you "feel" the reality of it, until it is more believable to you. 

Of course...I have no clue how I would make all this happen considering my financial and physical limitations ...but the trick is not to worry about the "how" these things will come about...just focus on them as if they are already on their way or here! Well...we will see how it works.  I will revisit this in a month to see where I am at.  :)

All is well in my world.

For truth is safe, and only love is sure.
ACIM Lesson 278 (2:5)

 

About the story

About the previous entry. 

I had no idea what to write today and Don suggested I write a funny story.  Well I think he said something to the effect, "Something that will make everyone think you are crazy."  I told him that everyone already thinks I am crazy but I will give it go.  He suggested the story so I made him the character.  I had absolutely no idea what I was going to write but  the first paragraph just poured out of me.  So I built the story from that. It didn't turn out to be a funny story...just a story...but still....it was fun! I gave myself two hours and I may have gone a bit over that :) but not  by much.

I love these types of challenges, building something from nothing especially when what comes out of it is something that applies to the medium in which I am writing...in this case...this blog.  I just think it is all so cool and amazing...this process of writing. Almost magical.

All is well in my world.

The Boat

Don woke up and stared at the ceiling...the same old stucco ceiling he stared at every morning.  He knew the ceiling well. He had the popcorn sized bumps memorized and some even named.    This morning, however, his view was different.  This morning, Don looked up at a picture of a sail boat.  Plastered on the wall with wide strips of packing tape that had one or two of his dog's long hair trapped beneath was the 20 foot catamaran of his dreams.  He sighed.  It was so beautiful. With its masts opened and stretching along a perfect horizon, and the bow skipping easily over pristine and crystal clear blue water, she was a dream.   A second sigh escaped from his lips ..a big pathetic  sigh  coming from the bottom of his heavily congested lungs as yesterdays cement dust realigned itself  in clumps along his constricted airways. He coughed. Disturbed by the noise his 10 year old Sheppard rustled in the bed beside him and looked up at her Master.  He ran a hand over her head without removing his eyes from the ceiling.

On  the stern of the boat a couple could be seen.  A young man stood holding on to the boon with confident strong arms that  the upturned sleeves of his denim shirt clung to with affection.  His face was tanned and happy while his white teeth sparkled like the little diamonds in the water below him did.  He did not remove his eyes from his destination to look down at the petite and lovely brunette who sat at his feet applying suntan lotion to her already perfectly bronzed flesh.  He didn't have to.  He obviously already had her. He had everything.  He had  the affection of beautiful women, the freedom of the sea beneath him, wealth, success and happiness in his grasp all because he was the captain of this boat.  Don wanted that boat.  He sighed again. 

Last evening, before bed, bored and lonely Don sat before his computer doing  what he did every evening.  He surfed the net to numb and soothe his tired mind and body until sleep called. He came across  the image in an advertisement for a five star resort in some expensive and exotic location he wouldn't even try to pronounce for it was a place far, far away from where he was or ever would be.  The boat, however, called out to him.  It was so similar to the one his 12 year old self vowed to own as he stood in front of it in his hometown marina so many years ago.  His 12 year old self wanted a lot of things back then...and was not afraid to ask for them.  His 56 year old self, however, had learned the hard way that wanting and expecting led to disappointment.  Yet the boat continued to call out to him and before he knew it he was pressing the print button and downloading his childhood dream onto something he could hold in his hands.  He would try the manifesting thing he read about and seen in a documentary on Netflix months ago.  He would try it just to see if it would work.  He would take the picture and put it somewhere he couldn't help to see it and he would look at it as often as he could just in case he could make it happen.   He heard his ex wife's voice in his ear then as he did this morning...telling him he was nothing but a foolish dreamer for wanting things he would never have.  Little did she know that he had stopped wanting years ago.

The alarm buzzed in his ear the annoying way it does every morning.  He reached a long arm over to snap the snooze button on top shutting the demands of the real world out for just a little while longer.    He closed his eyes. He pictured himself on that boat and imaged he could feel the wind on his face, taste the salt water on his lips and smell the sweet scent of coconut from the suntan lotion his woman was putting on her bare arms. He felt the boat moving and rocking beneath him, soothing him, telling him everything was good, he was good, he deserved it all. Then Buzzzzz...the alarm went off again and startled, he opened his eyes  to see the last few moments of his life  stuck to the ceiling  above him.  In the annoying buzzing of the alarm he once again  heard his ex wife demanding him to stop dreaming, to be practical and go out into the "real world" and make some money for his family.  He sighed again.  He turned toward the waking machine, shutting it and his wife off with one click of the button.

"The bitch is right", he said out loud into his dog's curious ears,  "I am not meant for such things.  It is time to get back to reality".  He looked out the window to see the rain belting down from the sky.  "Figures!" His reality still sucked.

After slowly  lifting himself to the side of the bed, he fought to get the breath he needed to start his day.   It never  comes easily but the cough does.  Huge rasping rumbles of thunder rolled from his chest taking any bit of air he was getting away.  Wheezing, and coughing and spewing he stood  on his sore feet and rubbed his sore back.  The years in concrete construction were talking back in every creak and crack his body made.  He knew there were another 12 hours today to endure of the same crap and  complaining was not going to help. So he got on doing what he did everyday.

He let the dog out.  He let the dog in.  He poured a big heaping cupful of Iams for Large Breed  into her bowel and filled her water dish.  He drank a cup of  Nescafe  Instant coffee and chewed on toast and peanut butter as he rifled through the flyers that get thrown at the end of his driveway everyday. He made three bologna and cheese sandwiches and put them in his metal lunch can with a couple of Joe Lois' from a box on the counter.  He filled his thermos with more instant coffee.  He washed his face and brushed his teeth before getting into the cement dust stained clothing he wore everyday to work. He sat down  on the kitchen chair  to tie his heavy steel toed  boots, not one bit worried about the white mess he left on the floor.  He rustled his dogs head affectionately before heading out the door like he did everyday.

As he was driving down John street in his ten year old Dodge Ram, Don didn't hear the phone ringing inside his house.  But his dog did.  She perked her ears up as the voice of an excited woman announced over the answering machine  that dear old Don  was one of the big winners in  a hospital lottery draw he would only vaguely remember applying for.  He would later briefly recall  some pleasant older woman sitting at a table on the other side of the revolving doors of the big city hospital he routinely visited for his lung specialist appointments. He would  remember her voice reciting that some of the lottery funds would go to building a better wing for burnt kids and  handing  over the  20 dollar bill he had rolled up in a ball in the front pocket of his Levis.  He would see evidence that he did indeed sign his name and scribble down his address and phone number on  the piece of paper she handed him.   But he would not recall, no matter how hard he tried to remember, hearing that one of the prizes was a twenty foot catamaran sailboat and a new life of believing.

The end.

If light is in your heart, you will find your way home.
Rumi

Didn't sleep so well last night.  Think the ticker might be acting up a bit from the flu I had a few days ago.  Chest pain and cold sweats on exertion... things are a little harder to do  than normal...like a walk or the stairs or just about anything. :) But I feel much better than I did on Monday.  :)  And...since I wrote that little blurb about the fear I was stuffing related to the pelvic pain etc...I have had little to no pain or bleeding.  :)   I am thinking it is all over...whatever it was!!! All I had to do is let go of the emotions associated with it.  :) There! 

Anyone...it feels like spring out there.  The sun is shining brightly...and the light...or that amazing light that warms a winter sedated soul and gives hope to all in regards to what will soon be here...more beautiful and precious light.  I love the light.  I am drawn to it like a plant on a window sill.  :)  All good!

All is well in my world.

what you seek is seeking you-

Rumi

 

 

Fling me across the fabric of time and the seas of space.  Make me nothing and from nothing- everything.
Rumi

Uhm...do you think this is normal behaviour for a 100 pound dog?

Tuning in to the Opposite Channel

So you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by the unwanted circumstances in your life again?  Negative experiences are constantly jumping in front of you, knocking you down and sometimes laying on top of you like the rotting carcass of all you once were.  The sky is grey.  You are stepping in puddles up to your thighs because there seems to be no way around them.   People around you are demanding and uncaring as you trudge along with the heavy load upon your shoulders and the even heavier load within your heart?  You are feeling sick, feeling miserable and unsure of how long you can keep going like this? You think you deserve a break from life, some good fortune after all you have been through...but Nooooo life has different plans for you...it just throws more of the same old negativity in front of you for you to climb over again and again...more bills you can't pay; more illness; more troubles in the family, work issues, money issues, the cat gets sick; the babysitter calls and says she can't make it;  the car won't start and you stupidly leave  your fingers in the door when you slam in shut.   Is this your scenario?  I think it is something all humans experience from time to time...what is referred to as "suffering".

When we "suffer" it seems that we get ourselves caught up in a never ending cycle of more suffering.  One unwanted thing appears in our life after the other.  The rain doesn't want to let up. Suffering perpetuates more suffering. Why is that? 

To understand this phenomenon better we must first recognize a few things:

•  Suffering is a perception... a way of seeing that exists only in the mind because of our attachment to an idea of how things "should" be. If things are not going the way we think they should...then life is wrong, hard, bad, difficult.  We cannot accept it for the way it is.  Suffering is caused by mental resistance to what is. 

•  What we resist persists.  It is a given fact...the more you say no to something, the more it keeps demanding a yes.  Try this experiment, the next time your teen asks for the car.  Say No.  Watch what happens.  Unless your teen is abnormally compliant...she or he will ask again and again and again, drowning out the news casters voice that you are trying to focus on from your flat screen TV while you squirm in your chair and the  steam builds up inside of you, possibly creating a crater of a hole in your stomach lining.  You turn the volume up but their pleas just become louder and louder. They will keep demanding that you give them what they want until you can't concentrate on anything else but their "Please!  Please!  Pretty Please!" and the awful way it is making you feel.  What we resist persists.  What we focus on becomes our reality getting louder and more consuming drowning out the rest. 

• When we focus on negative things, negative things are all we see.  When we focus on the things we do not want in our lives we end up with a life of unwanted things. In order to make sense of our world, our selective attention narrows to match our preconceived perceptions.  If I  am tuned in to the "negative channel" because of a couple of less than pleasant experiences, negativity is what my mind will pick up from my environment. If I am focused on the things I do not want in my life...guess what happens?   More unwanted things will show up.  Not because I am being punished or because "life sucks" but because I am watching the wrong channel.  I don't have to stay on this channel!  I can press the button on the remote at any time. 

• Feelings are energy .  As a powerful energy force, they can make our lives great or they can make our lives suck.  How we feel will determine what kind of life we have. 

So how do we walk away from the lives we are watching on the negativity channel to the lives we really want? No...I am not going to tell you to say yes to your teen whenever they ask for something .  (No's are good things for all of us to hear every now again).  Nor am I going to tell you to say no to the less than positive things in your life right now  but I am going to suggest that you do not have to wiggle and squirm as the peptic ulcer grows in your gut because of them either. 

This is what you can do to make it better:

Step one: Accept what is.  Look about you and see what is going on.  Do not deny  or resist the parts of your life you are not happy with.  Instead accept what is, as it is.  If there is money trouble : say to self I accept that the money situation is not what I want right now.  The key components in that affirmation are  I accept and right now.   I accept that my health is not to the point that I want it right now.  I accept that my job does not fulfill me right now.  I accept that my fingers are broken from slamming them in the door right now :) I accept that my life is not exactly the way I think it should be right now.

Become completely aware of the things that are happening in your life that you do not want.  Know that you do not want them.  Writing them down on a piece of paper in list form might help. This is the first and most important step.  To recognize and accept the things you do not want in your life...the things that are  making you squirm, angry, sad, anxious will you lead you away from them eventually.  At first it may be overwhelming as more and more of these things show up to get added to your list.... all because you are putting your attention in that area.... but it will pass....especially if you realize that these circumstances are temporary.  That is why we use "right now".     Once you recognize what you don't want you can advance to the next crucial steps.

Step Two: Do not stay focused on the things you don't want. Do not give them any more attention and emotional power than you already have. The Law of attraction purports that what you put your attention on is what you will attract in to your life.  If you focus on negative things, you will bring negative things into your physical world.  Even if you do not subscribe to this belief system...thinking about these things is diminishing your precious life and making you miserable.  Why feel miserable when you do not have to?  Recognize them accept them, write them down but that's it. Keep the list but let them go emotionally.  Recognizing and accepting the negative things in your life does not mean being consumed by them.  Your intention is to go beyond them.

Step Three: Change the channel. Switch your focus to the opposites of those things on your list.    Many times we do not know what we want in our lives especially if we have been feeling negative for a while.  We know what makes us feel like crap but we really can't remember what things make us feel good.  We may have stuffed our dreams under the weights of the burdens we perceive we are carrying.  Yet we can recognize when something makes us feel less than happy right? It is sometimes easier to know what we don't want than it is what we want.  Say, you sit down one Saturday night and you are bored enough to watch TV.  You are not sure what you are in the mood for  so you randomly surf through the channels.  You can click through those channels pretty fast because you immediately recognize what you don't want...what doesn't "feel right" at that moment even though you may not know what it is you are looking for.  Think of the things on your list as channels you no longer want to watch. If it doesn't make you feel good..  switch the channel. 

Yeah but to what channel?  Focus on the opposite of the don't wants.  That is what we can use those "don't wants" for.  They can be guides to what we want.  If I know I don't want to be broke that can take me to the opposite of being broke, I want four digit numbers in my account; I want to be able to pay my bills; I want to be able to sleep at night without worrying about how I am going to pay the mortgage.  If I am feeling lonely and tired of being alone that can take me to, I want to build healthy, happy relationships with others etc.  Focus...put all your mental energy onto imagining what you want.  What you want is often the opposite of what you don't want. Tune in to the opposite channel and stay there!

Step Four: Give yourself permission to want it.   A few hard punches from life ...the kind that knock a fighter down can sometimes leave us a little punch drunk.  We may settle into our roles as the loser rather than the contender and find a certain peace on the floor of the ring.  We may stop wanting more, expecting more.  We may stop dreaming of more.  We need to remind ourselves that it is okay to want...We have a right to expect more from life as we pull our selves up.  We need to get back up into the wanting game. There is no guarantee we will not get knocked down again but we will never have more than bruises if we stop wanting. 

Step Five: Once you know what you want.... Feel it.  Feel it, breathe it, live it like it is already something you have. This is the most crucial step.  Living is all about feeling.  Life is all it is meant to be when we feel love,  joy, bliss, peace and hope.  It is not about the things we mistakenly assume make us happy.  It is simply about being happy.  Yet if you feel happy when you think about something you want...than think about something you want.  Imagine what it will feel like to have it and live like you do.   It is almost given that that thing, that event, that circumstance, or that person you are focusing on will materialize in your life when you do this.  But even if it doesn't...if you are happy...you are on the right channel. This is the life you really want, isn't it? You can put the remote down.

All is well in my world.

Remembering the Typewriter

In order to move on you need to understand why you felt how you did and why you no longer need to feel it.
Mitch Albom (author of Tuesdays with Morrie)

What I remembered through sickness

I know I am whining and it will stop...I promise...as soon as I realize and accept why I want to whine in the first place.  :) Once again, something is coming to the surface...through all this...the physical symptoms as well as the mental/emotional ones...something wants to be heard.  Writing about it helps it to come up, like  syrup of Ipecac for the soul ( terrible analogy...I know)

I spent the last two days in bed with the flu.  The fever left my head spinning and my thinking erratic.  It came and went.  When it left me I would feign normalcy coming here to write or attempting to do some form of housework.  With every attempt to be normal, however, I was left even more exhausted and had to return to the bed or the couch where I would slip once again into crazy dreams. I remember a snippet of one dream well. I saw myself swallowed by my home...the mess and the dog hair and broken things...and then suddenly a typewriter appeared on the end of the counter I was complaining about...  A beautiful little red electric typewriter.  wow!  What do you think that means lol? 

The Typewriter

My sister gave me a typewriter for Christmas once...when I was feeling overwhelmed by life after our mother had died and we were forced to play the adults in the family.  We had no money...she had no money...but she won 600 dollars out of the blue that year.  She gave some to Dad to help with Christmas, and she bought me a beautiful electric typewriter.  (To this day I now wonder if she intended it for both of us...she writes too...and I being as totally narcissistic as I was back then...made it all about me...She tells me it was for me and the story works better if I say it is for me...but anyway...I got a typewriter out of it lol).

That typewriter was one of the greatest gifts I had ever received...it was like a blessing from heaven when the world seemed to be raining only chaos. It was a thank you when I felt no one appreciated, let alone knew, what I was trying to do. ( Believe me I whined and complained back then a heck of a lot more than I am doing now...it was hard not to hear me, I suppose?)  The gift reminded me there was more than the overwhelming chaos I felt I was living in and responsible for fixing.   It was  a door that offered me freedom...it opened up into the world of  who I really was, not just who I thought I had to be. I still cry when I think of that.

The fever  dream was in a sense about the same thing.  It is letting me know I am feeling the same way I felt back then. That is probably why I got so sick with this little bug.  I am feeling overwhelmed again, feeling myself suffocating under the chaos of our living situation, my health, social responsibility and expectations.  Everything seems to be "messed up" and I feel it is my responsibility to fix it...but I don't know how.  I am so tired and I don't know how. 

The typewriter is a symbol that there is a way out of this...maybe not out of  the physical chaos or some of the mental crap...but it tells me there is a way to be who I really am beyond all the responsibility I carry and the guilt I experience for getting sick and not doing enough...for allowing the chaos to build up. ...but a deeper way out.  I need to write. Someone somewhere recognizes that I need to write; they recognize what I try to do even though I don't always succeed and they are giving me a gift...showing me  a way out.  They are telling me to write.  Well that is what I like to believe :)

Thanks J.  for being so good to me.

All is well in my world!

Chronic Illness?

Most people live in fear of some terrible event changing their lives, the death of a loved one or a serious illness. For the chronically ill, this terrible event has already happened, and we have been let in on an amazing secret: You survive. You adapt, and your life changes, but in the end you go on, with whatever compromises you have been forced to make, whatever losses you have been forced to endure. You learn to balance your fears with the simple truth that you must go on living.

― Jamie Weisman, As I Live and Breathe: Notes of a Patient-Doctor

Chronic Illness or no Chronic Illness?

Even though some would debate the legitimacy of my "chronic illness" status and I myself, still have a hard time accepting that limiting role...the above quote hits home.  I read it and I felt I had to put it down here.  In the last few years I have lost many to the same "chronic illness" I supposedly do not have even though I was the first to present with symptoms...the same symptoms the others who have been diagnosed   (and are still living) have now. 

I made a connecting link, a long time ago. with my family history...a legitimate one, an intelligent one...but I got shut down again and again and again.  I was already labeled as test seeker...crazy...a liar... so any possibilities  I had to share for ruling out purposes  were heard only  as the ravings of a hypochondriac. More people died or nearly died. In order to save the rest of my family, I felt I had to step back with my own presentation of illness.  I couldn't be the spokesperson.  They wouldn't be taken seriously if I was. I had to tell those who could help them that I was "fine" when I wasn't. 

The loss of those I love and my own helplessness in helping them has caused me great suffering over the years....so great I suppress it as I attempt to suppress this entire situation.  I am obviously not so successful at keeping it down below the surface.  There is so much suffering perceived because of this...all it takes is a quote I happen upon to bring it all out to the surface.

The Experience of suffering

My subjective experience  of dealing with  physical symptoms has also been one of "suffering."   I don't feel well and my life has become so limited because I do not feel well. What I and other people may describe as "terrible events to be feared" have happened in my life and they continue to happen.  At the same time I experience this I am forced to deal with medical judgement and assumption that gets in the way of proper diagnosing as well as great financial and social loss. 

It could be said then that some  terrible events occurred changing my life forever and I am not being validated for it.  I cannot speak about it without  a fear of shaming.  I go without  the support and validation many take for granted.  This impacts my subjective experience of being ill...keeping me in the lower end of the continuum.  I feel sick but I do not have a right to express it, let alone get help for it.  It is like I am not allowed to be sick but I am not allowed to get better.  So I am stuck!

But I Survive!

But I survive!  Everyday I pick myself up and I keep going.  I focus on what I can do and I do that.  I focus on the people who know the legitimacy of my condition and I seek help from them.  I talk to them.  I ignore the rest.  I adapt!  I go on with whatever compromises I have been forced to make and whatever losses I have been forced to endure. I know the simple truth.... that I must go on living.  So I do.

I am grateful for the lesson.  All is well!

But the fact is that I wouldn't have won even a single Tour de France without the lesson of illness. What it teaches is this: pain is temporary. Quitting lasts forever.

Lance Armstrong

The need for change bulldozed a road down the center of my mind.
Maya Angelou

I think I hear the engines starting in my own mind. Everybody get out of the way!!!

I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today was the last day of  my life would I want to do what I am bout to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "no" for too many days in a row I know I have to change something.
Steve Jobs

 

Safe or free?  Your choice!

Missing Manuscript

Missing Manuscript

I usually give two people a copy of each manuscript I write for the sake of completing my own personal cycle of writing...which starts with the first word written and ends with the last word read.  The submitting for publication  is another process all together and has little to do with the creative agenda. 

I gave only the first half of  Broken to two individuals to read.  One individual read and returned her copy fairly quickly, not particularly liking the story or writing. (Of course...she was very diplomatic and kind in her review).

Another individual confessed yesterday that she left the manuscript on a flight to the Dominican in December.  She felt terrible about it and has spent the last two months getting airlines to search for it. Apparently it has been picked up and not returned. I am okay with that.  Of course, as she expressed, someone might  try to publish it themselves. 

Yes they could but I have all the proof that it is mine...if I ever discover, by chance, that that was done.  Besides, it is only the first half and from my first unsolicited review, as well the unsuccessful attempts to get a bite from agents and publishers for it,  not that promising. 

The second reader, however, assures me that  it was very well written and she fell in love with the main character.  She tells me she was truly enjoying the book before she put it down in the slot behind the seat to rest on the long flight.  It was there that it staid on their rushed departure from the plane.

Hmmm!  Guilt can make people say compensating things. lol.  I am not sure if she truly liked it...she did seem genuine...but I know she felt terrible about the possibility of someone stealing my work. She stressed that it was good enough to publish.

I really do not waste energy worrying about that happening but I do worry that on each page of the MSS I have my private contact information.  Whoever has it, more or less, has me???   Anyway...I am a firm believer that there is no such thing as coincidence...just serendipity.  That little piece of me was left behind a seat for someone, other than my two selected readers, to read for a reason.  I would like to think...it had something in it that they needed. Whatever happens beyond that, happens, I suppose.  :) 

All is well in my world!

A Ship in  harbour is safe-but that is not what ships are built for.
John A Shedd

To stay safe or sail....

I realized something yesterday.  I,in my fatigue(both the physical and mental kind) have tied myself to the harbour. I have been trying to tie my children there with me.  My main priority in life has become about keeping everyone "safe".  

I do not push myself to do anything.  I found the comfort zone of my physicality where I have the least symptoms and I stay there.  I find the comfort zone of thought and I try to stay there. 

I expect others to dock beside me simply because it is easier on me...allows me to stay docked  I do not challenge myself at all...have become reclusive and withdrawn...bored.  I do not want others to challenge my safe zone with their need to get out and beyond...to complicate my thinking with worry and demand.

What an awful thing to expect of others...what an awful thing to expect of myself.  We were not meant to play it safe...to hide...to numb.  We were meant to sail, full mast, into the oceans of our lives.  I need to let others sail regardless of the challenges and the risks.  I need to sail as well.  I would rather live life fully for a short time than live life safely and limited for a long time.

All is well in my world.

 

 

Good morning world

 

Good morning melody,

being swept so softly across my awakening gray matter,

Gently coaching me to wake up to the beauty of life’s lovely and simple offerings.

Like laughter form a child or the purring of a kitten, you make me smile

And my day begins with lips that tease of a light heart as I sway back and forth

To the magic of your hidden guitar.

 

 

Good morning solitude,

that wraps its arm around me and leads me here to this

Quiet place of soulful reflection and stillness;

That sits me down and perches on the end of my chair

Gesturing me forward as I close my eyes and move my fingers

across the key board in rhythm with the music being played around me.

 I play my own music in honour of you.

 

Good morning earth,

that blows and dances and sings outside my little window

Entertaining, displaying, teaching and healing me in ways I can not yet understand;

Stitching up the holes in my heart as I smile along to the life

That jumps and skips around …pulling me into the emerging wisdom;

Telling me I am a part of it…that we are all apart of it,

that we are all one

 

And I reach out to You.

 

 

Good morning “what is”…

what is perfect, lovely and never ending;

What is clockless, still and only now;

What is soft, gentle yet so all consuming;

What is musical, mystical and magical;

What is a simple morning in this amazing life;

What is my life.
What is Life.

 

Dale-Lyn 2011



I hope to get away from the personal truth letting that I have been doing on this blog lately.  It all sounds so narcissistic.  This blog is not just about me as I am discovering that nothing in this world is just about me.  It was not my intention to use it as a venting station for my ego.  I have just had so much under the surface interfering with my day to day functioning and for me letting it go is usually done with the written word.  It feels so good to write it all down.  I feel peace afterwards.  Truth brings peace doesn't it?  Acceptance is so much easier to handle than resistance is.  :) So what can you take with you from my written experience? Open your eyes and see what is going on around you.  Accept it and then let it go.

All is well.

Sorting through chaos

Maybe the greatest madness is to see life as it is rather than what it could be.
Don Quixote

What is chaos to you? 

I know some would equate chaos to the aftermath of war and natural destruction.  Others would equate it to what happens when the dishwasher is not working.  My version of chaos lies somewhere in between...probably closer to the surprise on the battlefield...or the unexpected hurricane  scenario.  I equate chaos to what is going on in basement right below my nose.

My Version of Chaos

I went downstairs today...which I do not do often enough and I seen the utter chaos that my son had left behind.  It nearly floored me.  He had people over a few weeks  back without my permission and he promised to clean it up.  He didn't.  The chaos goes beyond the hundreds of beer cans, liquor bottles and garbage strewn everywhere...beyond the beds with sheets torn apart, the fur covered clothing piled in corners and the furniture upside down.  It exists beyond the smell of cigarette smoke in a "smoke-free" home and the once hidden bongs now placed in the open....beyond the holes in the walls, the stains on the floor and the broken glass.  It goes beyond the expected symbols of completed life transitions and rites of passage that should be hanging from the wall but aren't.

In What it Means to Me

The chaos exists in what all that "means to me"...in my mental interpretation of the battlefield I set my feet down on this morning.  In all of it I instantly seen the impact of life style choices...choices I do not agree with....his and mine.  In his, I seen disrespect, entitlement, a lack of empathy for others and a lack of concern for one's future.  I seen, anger  pain and confusion, only partially subdued by a desperate attempt to numb and forget.  I seen fear. My heart breaks when I see that.

I also seen my own responsibility in all of it...for somehow I enabled.  I allowed things to get to this.  I don't clean the way I know I need to in order to keep things free of physical chaos. Just putting order to one's physical surroundings can help.  I don't do that. I have to push myself more despite how the body protests. 

 I also allowed my body to dictate what I could and couldn't do in my parenting.   I told myself I couldn't go downstairs  to confront that truth because  the stairs are too hard on me.  I allowed others to convince me it was all normal behaviour  for the young people of today even though I knew better...no matter how normal it may be...I will never see it as healthy. 

Truth is...I gave up.  After years of exhausting battle with someone determined to go their own way...I gave up.  In order to cope I closed my eyes and covered my ears.  I rationalize; I spiritualize; I sympathize and I pretend that the chaos does not exist. I tell myself I am not responsible for what is going on...that it is beyond me...even though my heart tells me that I am...in some way responsible for it continuing.  I may not have control over everything but I do have control over what I allow to take place in my home.  That is where the line is drawn and possibly the key to truly helping.   Enabling...is an act of self preservation...not of  true caring.  Letting go may be the only act of salvation for both of us.

I write this because it is my truth this morning and I am so tired of denying the truth.

All is well in my world!

The quiet of today will bless our hearts, and through them peace will come to everyone.
ACIM Lesson 270

Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie to you.
Roger Ebert

My big long spiel yesterday was not meant to be as morbid and self-indulgent as it may have sounded.  I was trying to share some insights that others may relate to.  

I was trying to make the point  that emotions are energy  fueled by our thoughts and more particularly our beliefs.   They are just energy.  All energy flows and needs to pass through an object.  Think of an electrical current...it needs and entry and an exit point to allow for this flow.  If it doesn't pass through it will do great damage from within.  Because we attach meaning to our emotions and see them as the source of our happiness or our discomfort we sometimes block the flow.  If an emotion is believed to be the cause of suffering we may try to resist it, deny it and repress it.  It is not the emotion that is the issue or the circumstance we believed fueled the  emotion that is the problem...that causes the most discomfort...but the resistance to it.  When we resist it, we don't give it a way out and the energy  stays within the body and mind causing upheaval.

Emotions need no judgement.  They are neither good or bad; right or wrong...they just are what they are.  Judging an emotion as something "we should not feel" is self destructive.  It is like judging the flow of water in a stream. When we place judgement on our emotions we may feel we have the right to decide what feelings to let flow and what feelings to block.  Blocking emotions is like making a damn.  We all know what happens to a free flowing stream when we block it from flowing.  It builds up on one side of the damn creating turbulent energy...and all the life on the other side becomes stagnant, dry and eventually dies. Emotions are just energy that is meant to flow through sustaining a well balanced energy and the beauty of life. Whether it is fear or love; joy or sorrow, peace or anxiety...we just need to let the emotion flow through. Not only do we block the unwanted emotions when we make a damn...we often block all emotions.

I also wanted to express that I felt fear...and it was okay to feel fear.  In order to understand fear, reduce it to its proper size and meaning (it is like every other emotion...just energy) we need to look at it, accept it , let it blow a bit and then let it go.  Denying fear and avoiding fear are common traps we as humans often fall in which leads to much more self limiting destruction than the fear itself can cause. 

Emotions need to be expressed. One way to open the door to allow an emotion to flow through is to express it.  Say to self or others, "I am afraid."  "I feel fear." Once we do that we stop resisting the reality of it, we shrink it down to size and we let it flow through us.  It may take time for it to make its way out but it will go.

Emotions are also messengers...letting us know that there is something in our subconscious minds that may need examination.  Our emotions are fueled by our belief systems...recognizing our feelings can help us to identify what beliefs we may need to change.

Many of us are suffering unnecessarily because of our self limiting and life destructive beliefs.  These beliefs are a result of conditioning and social doctrine...that doesn't make them true.  In order to free ourselves from the prisons they keep us in...we must be able to get to the core of our belief systems and examine it.  Some universal beliefs that impact many of us are: The body is all there is to us and when it dies we die.  We are all victims of the clock.  Our lives are dictated by the past and future.  Suffering is caused by random and external acts of circumstance. There is only so much "good" stuff to go around so we need to separate, defend and attack to make sure we get our share.  We are all separated by our body lines from each other, God and the universe.  What we experience with the five senses is the only reality there is. etc etc Oh the list goes on and on.

If we change the belief we can change our life.  That is the truth.  But changing belief means having the courage to look way inside to where the belief system is hidden and to challenge it.  It is not an easy process...let me tell ya.  I have been at it for years now and I have days, like yesterday, when I realize I am still so stuck in limiting belief.  Yet I also learn that it is happening...I am getting there, however slowly.  I am changing my beliefs and I am changing my life.  I need to accept where I am at right now in the process though.  I have a long ways to go.

All is well in my world.

Pink isn't just a color, it's an attitude!

Mylie Cyrus

 

Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.
William Wordsworth

Today I fill my paper with the breathings of my heart. 

As I have written several times over the last month I have been feeling restless and "disquieted" somehow.  I also mentioned that I believed that feeling experience was caused by some unexpressed emotion that I was resisting through repression.  I knew expression and change of some kind was required of me. I just didn't know what or how.

Feeling particularly restless yesterday afternoon I decided to just sit with this feeling and meditate on the cause of it.  I asked this question: "What emotional experience am I resisting and what life change is it requiring me to make?"  I meditated on the same question before I went to bed.  I woke up with an answer...a very clear answer this morning. So here are the breathings of my heart:

The Breathing of My Heart

The emotional experience I am trying to stuff by shoving into some mental trunk for weeks now...is fear.  I held it, stuffed it, pushed it down so I could close the cover and keep it away from my conscious awareness but it is still very much alive.  It is still thrashing about, banging on the walls, and screaming at me to hear it.  By repressing it I only made it angry and restless.  That is where my restlessness is coming from.

What am I afraid of? 

I fear that this pelvic condition may be life threatening.  There I wrote out what my heart was breathing. It is not the first time I felt the borderline fear of a possible impending death because of a specific physical condition.  I feared the breast lumps I had...especially the first few... could be life threatening.  (There is some rational reasoning to that: my sister has stage 4 breast cancer and my aunt died from breast cancer.  I have been referred for MRI's and biopsies by radiologists).  I feared the 8 month course of sore throat and hoarseness I had a few years back could be life threatening.  (There is also some rational reasoning to that: my mother died from throat cancer at the age of 44 and 8 months is a long time to have a sore throat. Laryngoscopes showed I had some spots on my glottis that eventually went away).  I also feared and still do to some extent that this cardiac condition may take me early.  (The rational behind that is self explanatory to anyone who has followed my blogs). 

So there were other times I "wondered" if my life would soon be coming to an end because of something specific my body was doing.  I "wondered".  I did not obsess.  I did not freak out.  I did not stop living...I wondered and some times that wonder bordered on worry and fear.  So when they all proved to be non life threatening  I was so relieved, obviously, but I also learned to distrust my fear and any rational explanation for my physical symptoms. 

Though all conditions could be objectified as being real, there was some shaming involved (both the external and internal kind) for my  presentation .  Ironically shame is the emotion I am most resistant too.  In order to push shame away I had to push away the idea that "I was afraid..." for I believed that it was not okay to be afraid. So I learned to "stuff" my fear, delay seeking help for abnormal functioning of the body, and underplay and dismiss my understanding of pathophysiology. 

When this pelvic condition made itself known months ago...I told myself from the beginning that it is just a flare up of endometriosis prior to menopause...(which it very likely is).  Of course with the breakthrough bleeding, the abnormal amount of pain, bloating and now I discover weight loss...fear started to resurface.  I stuffed it down...again and again...I stuffed it down. Instead of just letting it be heard, listened to, supported and then let go...it festered in this mental trunk getting uglier and uglier.  I didn't push for answers because of the shame and the lack of hope that I would get one (stuck in my past experience of getting help for my heart). It has been nine months...nine months of a festering physical condition and a festering fear.  The energy I tried to repress is becoming a cyclone inside of me.  That is why I am restless. I have to let it out. It all begins with naming the emotion and expressing it.    I fear that this pelvic condition may be life threatening.  I feels so much better just by writing that.

As I look into this deeper and meditate on it more I realize it is not the particular  condition...not this one, not the others...that is the cause of my repressed fear based restlessness.  It is not the condition, nor the very common fear of death that is the source of my present suffering.  It is my resistance to fear that is the problem.  The fear of death is a global fear, is it not?  I am not alone in experiencing it. Where does this fear come from?  It comes from a belief system so prevalent within me...within many of us if we take the time to look... that it controls how we live. I have come so far in my understanding of truth but, I sadly realize today that I am still being governed by fears and limiting beliefs.  Working on it but I have a ways to go.  I fear because I believe.

The irrational Beliefs Many of us Share

I still fear death. The fear of death comes from a universal belief that death is real...that the death of the body is the ending of everything. Despite my seeking to get beyond this notion I still believe, to some extent, that life is limited by time and other things of the physical world. This belief comes from an even greater belief that the physical world and what happens in the body is all there is to life.  How many people believe that? I tend to expand on this notion in a personal sense.  I believe, I  do not deserve to live as long as other people.  Believing that, I  personally fear that my time is running short and I will not have the time to complete what I am here to do, that I won't fulfill my calling, that I won't make a distinct and positive difference in the world, that I will leave people needing more of me( my children)...and that I won't do what God wants me to do. That adds a fair amount of "pressure" to my fearful mind.

I believe the world is full of suffering, illness, death and loss and it is spread out in allotments according to who deserves these things more.  Because of who I am, I believe I need to take on more suffering than others to make up for my time here. I am afraid that God wants me to suffer even though it sounds so absolutely ridiculous as I write it down.

I believe the world only has so much love,  health, joy, abundance and blessing to pass around.  These things are limited and must be distributed to the people who deserve them most. I believe, I am not worthy of the good things in life so if my life starts to get good ( Don's presence in it has lifted so much stress from my shoulders), the good  will be taken away once it is realized that the wrong person has it. My getting really sick is one way the universe can take it away...thus my fear of and possibly my creation of a physical illness

 I know as I write the beliefs out that they are irrational and not based on evidence.  They will be easy to  challenge, disprove and restructure once they are put on the table for examination...as I am attempting to do...as we should all attempt to do. .  These beliefs, however,  lay so deeply in the subconscious they are hard to recognize let alone access and manipulate.  But if we want to change the way we feel, and therefore change the way we live these precious lives we have been given, fulfilling what we are here to do...we must recognize, accept, express , own and release our feelings and the beliefs that are responsible for them. We need to go to the trunk and open it up. 


Unexpressed emotions will never die.  They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.
Sigmund Freud

All is well in my world.

The Fear of Death

While I thought I was learning how to live, I was learning how to die.
Leonardo DaVinci

The sun is shining brightly this morning.  The sky is so blue...my tea is hot and yep...it is caffeinated!  I need the zip...the pop...the pep...and the zing these days  a bit of caffeine provides.  It doesn't take much caffeine for me at all lol but sometimes even a little can cause a whole host of problems...my body's way of saying I don't want that in me.  I am going to listen to my head over my heart today.  What my mind wants and needs my mind will get.  It has been a bit of a foggy mess the last couple of days and I want the fog to lift....  so I consume a substance that I know will lift the fog as well as my heart rate a little bit. Today I listen to my mind...tomorrow I might listen to my body. :) Wasn't that an interesting ramble?  Who needs to hear about my caffeine consumption? 

The Possibility of Death

My daughter had a dream the other night and she called me, yesterday while I was at work, in tears.  She dreamt that I died.  I know she is worried about me.  The kids have been worried about me since they seen me go down in front of them for the first time years ago.  Before that I underplayed how I was feeling...attempting to be all stoic like etc.  When I hit the floor that day they knew...there was no pretending. 

We have all down played it since, as a coping means...even joke about it...but after I have episodes...or family members get sick, have heart attacks, heart surgery, strokes and  die they wonder and they worry about me. The notion of having "a bad heart" is often equated with having a fragile connection to life...if they perceive me as having a fragile connection to life...they perceive themselves as having a fragile connection to me. That leads to worry and fear based thinking.

Then with the arrival of this other condition ...which I never talk to them about other than answer their questions with "just the endometriosis flaring up" ... they worry  because they have seen me pacing the halls in the middle of the night and my daughter was in the doctor's office with me ( tandem appointment) when I relayed the signs and symptoms and he mentioned the need to rule out cancer.  She worried about that far off possibility only because she already perceived a fragile connection to me.

The Fragility of Life

 My children are consumed with this notion of the fragility of life, the fragility of attachment to others, of the perseverance of illness and the impending possibility of death.  I don't want them focusing any of their thought energy or wasting any of their "life" energy on that.  So my first reaction to my daughter was, "I am so good!!!  There is no need to worry.  I am not going to die!"  Which relieved her and it relieved me but the truth is, it is a lie. 

I mean I am good...so grateful to have what I have, to be able to do what I do regardless of perceived physical limitations and discomfort.  I AM GOOD!  Just as I am right now.  That part is true.  And there is no need to worry.  Worry is a complete waste of time...having no positive benefits...changing nothing other than one's ability to live happily and peacefully  in the present moment. That part is true too. 

We are all going to die

What isn't true is that "I am not going to die."  because I am going to die in the physical world sense someday.  This body is going to stop at some point...my heart is going to tick its last tock eventually .  That is a given.  It may not happen until I am 90 or it could happen a lot sooner because of my familiar heart condition or this other bloody thing if it turns out to be something other than endometriosis.(Which I do not believe it will :)) But the truth is...I will die and I do not know for certain when and how that will happen.  I only know that it will.  It will happen for all of us!

Attachment to the Body

The problem arises not with the reality of the body being a temporary vehicle that will not last forever but in the attachment to it.  If I perceive my life as being this body than man I have a problem. I am clinging to something that will not last.  If my children are attached to me as this body ...then they have a problem. They are clinging to something that will not last.

 If we are attached to the fear based notion that we need to keep the body going at all costs just so we can be free of the pain of loss...we all have a problem.  If we are attached to this notion that illness is a very real threat for all of us and that it will lead to our eternal demise...than we have an even bigger problem. We live in fear and worry of the future rather than the joy and peace of the moment.  We cling to the unreal rather than embracing the real.  In that way we are not living every day.  We are dying everyday. And that is so sad.

The Eternal Aspect of Who we Are

Life...in the physical sense only...is fragile and self limiting. We, however, aren't.  Who we really are doesn't go away when our bodies stop working.  For that reason...there is not death in the real sense. There is no need to worry or fear.  If we could only get our focus beneath what is apparent with the five senses and understand what "life" really is we wouldn't be reassuring others that we are not going to die.  We wouldn't have to. And even if we did...we would know in our core...that actually...it wasn't a lie after all.

I would like to readdress my daughter's concern with another reply:

"I am good right now.  There is no need to worry.  My body will die someday but I won't.  Isn't life absolutely amazing?"

All is well in my world.