The Fear of Death

While I thought I was learning how to live, I was learning how to die.
Leonardo DaVinci

The sun is shining brightly this morning.  The sky is so blue...my tea is hot and yep...it is caffeinated!  I need the zip...the pop...the pep...and the zing these days  a bit of caffeine provides.  It doesn't take much caffeine for me at all lol but sometimes even a little can cause a whole host of problems...my body's way of saying I don't want that in me.  I am going to listen to my head over my heart today.  What my mind wants and needs my mind will get.  It has been a bit of a foggy mess the last couple of days and I want the fog to lift....  so I consume a substance that I know will lift the fog as well as my heart rate a little bit. Today I listen to my mind...tomorrow I might listen to my body. :) Wasn't that an interesting ramble?  Who needs to hear about my caffeine consumption? 

The Possibility of Death

My daughter had a dream the other night and she called me, yesterday while I was at work, in tears.  She dreamt that I died.  I know she is worried about me.  The kids have been worried about me since they seen me go down in front of them for the first time years ago.  Before that I underplayed how I was feeling...attempting to be all stoic like etc.  When I hit the floor that day they knew...there was no pretending. 

We have all down played it since, as a coping means...even joke about it...but after I have episodes...or family members get sick, have heart attacks, heart surgery, strokes and  die they wonder and they worry about me. The notion of having "a bad heart" is often equated with having a fragile connection to life...if they perceive me as having a fragile connection to life...they perceive themselves as having a fragile connection to me. That leads to worry and fear based thinking.

Then with the arrival of this other condition ...which I never talk to them about other than answer their questions with "just the endometriosis flaring up" ... they worry  because they have seen me pacing the halls in the middle of the night and my daughter was in the doctor's office with me ( tandem appointment) when I relayed the signs and symptoms and he mentioned the need to rule out cancer.  She worried about that far off possibility only because she already perceived a fragile connection to me.

The Fragility of Life

 My children are consumed with this notion of the fragility of life, the fragility of attachment to others, of the perseverance of illness and the impending possibility of death.  I don't want them focusing any of their thought energy or wasting any of their "life" energy on that.  So my first reaction to my daughter was, "I am so good!!!  There is no need to worry.  I am not going to die!"  Which relieved her and it relieved me but the truth is, it is a lie. 

I mean I am good...so grateful to have what I have, to be able to do what I do regardless of perceived physical limitations and discomfort.  I AM GOOD!  Just as I am right now.  That part is true.  And there is no need to worry.  Worry is a complete waste of time...having no positive benefits...changing nothing other than one's ability to live happily and peacefully  in the present moment. That part is true too. 

We are all going to die

What isn't true is that "I am not going to die."  because I am going to die in the physical world sense someday.  This body is going to stop at some point...my heart is going to tick its last tock eventually .  That is a given.  It may not happen until I am 90 or it could happen a lot sooner because of my familiar heart condition or this other bloody thing if it turns out to be something other than endometriosis.(Which I do not believe it will :)) But the truth is...I will die and I do not know for certain when and how that will happen.  I only know that it will.  It will happen for all of us!

Attachment to the Body

The problem arises not with the reality of the body being a temporary vehicle that will not last forever but in the attachment to it.  If I perceive my life as being this body than man I have a problem. I am clinging to something that will not last.  If my children are attached to me as this body ...then they have a problem. They are clinging to something that will not last.

 If we are attached to the fear based notion that we need to keep the body going at all costs just so we can be free of the pain of loss...we all have a problem.  If we are attached to this notion that illness is a very real threat for all of us and that it will lead to our eternal demise...than we have an even bigger problem. We live in fear and worry of the future rather than the joy and peace of the moment.  We cling to the unreal rather than embracing the real.  In that way we are not living every day.  We are dying everyday. And that is so sad.

The Eternal Aspect of Who we Are

Life...in the physical sense only...is fragile and self limiting. We, however, aren't.  Who we really are doesn't go away when our bodies stop working.  For that reason...there is not death in the real sense. There is no need to worry or fear.  If we could only get our focus beneath what is apparent with the five senses and understand what "life" really is we wouldn't be reassuring others that we are not going to die.  We wouldn't have to. And even if we did...we would know in our core...that actually...it wasn't a lie after all.

I would like to readdress my daughter's concern with another reply:

"I am good right now.  There is no need to worry.  My body will die someday but I won't.  Isn't life absolutely amazing?"

All is well in my world.