Sorting through chaos

Maybe the greatest madness is to see life as it is rather than what it could be.
Don Quixote

What is chaos to you? 

I know some would equate chaos to the aftermath of war and natural destruction.  Others would equate it to what happens when the dishwasher is not working.  My version of chaos lies somewhere in between...probably closer to the surprise on the battlefield...or the unexpected hurricane  scenario.  I equate chaos to what is going on in basement right below my nose.

My Version of Chaos

I went downstairs today...which I do not do often enough and I seen the utter chaos that my son had left behind.  It nearly floored me.  He had people over a few weeks  back without my permission and he promised to clean it up.  He didn't.  The chaos goes beyond the hundreds of beer cans, liquor bottles and garbage strewn everywhere...beyond the beds with sheets torn apart, the fur covered clothing piled in corners and the furniture upside down.  It exists beyond the smell of cigarette smoke in a "smoke-free" home and the once hidden bongs now placed in the open....beyond the holes in the walls, the stains on the floor and the broken glass.  It goes beyond the expected symbols of completed life transitions and rites of passage that should be hanging from the wall but aren't.

In What it Means to Me

The chaos exists in what all that "means to me"...in my mental interpretation of the battlefield I set my feet down on this morning.  In all of it I instantly seen the impact of life style choices...choices I do not agree with....his and mine.  In his, I seen disrespect, entitlement, a lack of empathy for others and a lack of concern for one's future.  I seen, anger  pain and confusion, only partially subdued by a desperate attempt to numb and forget.  I seen fear. My heart breaks when I see that.

I also seen my own responsibility in all of it...for somehow I enabled.  I allowed things to get to this.  I don't clean the way I know I need to in order to keep things free of physical chaos. Just putting order to one's physical surroundings can help.  I don't do that. I have to push myself more despite how the body protests. 

 I also allowed my body to dictate what I could and couldn't do in my parenting.   I told myself I couldn't go downstairs  to confront that truth because  the stairs are too hard on me.  I allowed others to convince me it was all normal behaviour  for the young people of today even though I knew better...no matter how normal it may be...I will never see it as healthy. 

Truth is...I gave up.  After years of exhausting battle with someone determined to go their own way...I gave up.  In order to cope I closed my eyes and covered my ears.  I rationalize; I spiritualize; I sympathize and I pretend that the chaos does not exist. I tell myself I am not responsible for what is going on...that it is beyond me...even though my heart tells me that I am...in some way responsible for it continuing.  I may not have control over everything but I do have control over what I allow to take place in my home.  That is where the line is drawn and possibly the key to truly helping.   Enabling...is an act of self preservation...not of  true caring.  Letting go may be the only act of salvation for both of us.

I write this because it is my truth this morning and I am so tired of denying the truth.

All is well in my world!