Guiding and Healing Messages in Poetry

 

Diminished

Diminished! Diminished!

The  wind calls out as it passes by,

tugging at my weathered bark,

urging me to cry: 

 

I was once  a flowery beacon,
for all the world to stop and praise 

but I lost all my precious blossoms

to the weather's   wicked ways.

The fruit  my limbs  once proudly bore,

thinking it was mine,

was swept away by greedy hands

for someone else's wine.

Leaves that danced in lively costume

against an Autumn sky,

have crinkled up, have fallen

and have so sadly  died.

My arms now bare and empty

reach up into the atmosphere

and as a  ghostly form of less than

my silhouette will so appear.

Diminished! Diminished !

The wind calls out as it passes by,

tugging at my weathered bark,

urging me to cry:

I  will  no longer cry out my wrath or

my need to make it right.

I  will just bow my weary head

and exhale remaining fight.

What I had  is gone now.

I stand in my new pathetic  form.

Naked, exposed and all alone

I am vulnerable to the storm.

Yet as the earth below me chills

and freezes with the frost,

I feel my roots open within the ground

and know that I was never lost.

Diminished! Diminished !

The wind calls out as it passes by,

tugging at my weathered bark,

urging me to cry:

There is a healing within me there

coursing through the veins,

opening up to allow what simply is

to free me from my chains.

This Life force travels up into my trunk

and to the very tips of what I knew,

replacing the  surface illusion

with what is surely true.
 

 "I am." My branches cry out with joy as

I bend  to Life's  true song.

"It is as it is", the wind calls back

and it happily sings along .

Diminished?  Diminished?...

It may appear to the eye that does not see

but  the Self within me knows,
that loss has set me free.

Dale-Lyn , February 2020

I felt compelled to share that poem, written when I felt the heart wrenching realization of what getting sick without support had cost me: the stripping away of financial stability and professional roles that helped to create this costume I wore. It was a slow and painful diminishment, the physical world cost of which carried on for years taking me to the point I am at now. Yet, through it I was able to see the gift in such a "diminshment". 

And this following poem was writtem when I had to make a decision about leaving work a second time to preserve my health enough to parent effectively at a very trying time. I knew that the insurance company would be even less likely to support me the second time because that would mean retroactive support for the first time I went off. The only reason I went back when I did in between these two times was because I knew I couldn't go another year without a cent of income, as I was doing. I was determined to push past symptoms. I wasn't strong enough to do that. At the same time the body and psyche were battling over what would be best for this family in the long run, the Higher Self within already knew what I had to do. It was no longer just a question of physical survival but a pull towards Something Greater. 

No one can take that away from me.

Ego Hisses

whispers from that place of secrets
become screams in my ears
twisting, turning messages that
express the truth I fear
I suddenly decide to listen
to stop, head stilled to the side
while I decipher all the wisdom
and put away my pride

ego hisses at me with its
desperate pleading cries
to ignore the truths I’m offered
calling them foolish, new age lies
it warns me of the darkness
the desolation I will face
if I go forward with these directions
and leave this warm, familiar place

yet I find myself moving onward
pushing ego’s carcass to the floor
and taking slow, hesitant steps
I move through the open door

I don’t know what I will be facing
what is on the other side
but I know the door has been opened
and it is open very wide.

Dale- Lyn, Nov 2013

All is well!

Being Honest and Transparent Anyway

 

Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway.

Mother Teresa (actually this came from The Paradoxical Commandments by Kent M. Keith)

Sometimes, I just sigh...a big pathetic sigh...only because I do not know what else to do. :) There is something very much like surrender in that sigh...a letting go of not just air but all the tension and pressure to perform. 

Few out there, other than you and family know of my present situation. I really don't feel comfortable sharing it with many others. 

Say what, crazy lady?  You just blasted your woes all over the internet.

I have no problem being open and honest here...for this is what this blog is for.  It is about truth and getting to our core by removing the shells and personnas  we wear. And everytime I sit down here, it is like I get to remove a tight restricting costume, to once again expose and free  who was hiding beneath it. It is freeing and I do not waste time in fear what others will think of "me" when I come here. There seems to be a higher purpose pulling me towards the page. Accepting this pull allows for a big, deep, beautiful sigh to come from my core.

Still, I am realizing that there is a lot of avoiding and resisting when it comes to sharing my present, vulnerable, and messy nakedness with others outside this site. Life has stripped me bear and though I know the deeper meaning and blessing in that stripping away of what I knew, it does leave me feeling a bit vulnerable and embarassingly exposed. I am not sure how others will react to see me without my costume. There are many people who see me as the costume I still wear at times. I am not sure they really want to see beneath it.  Seeing beyond my costume might mean, to them, that they have to remove their own, and that isn't always comfortable, leading to a lot of social awkwardness. It is almost as if our costumes have bonded, rather than the individuals beneath them. If the costumes are no longer there, how will we interact? 

But alas, I cannot hide my present state from others "out there" forever. I will have to expose this newly diminished  self when they ask to see me, as a friend recently has done. This friend has no idea what I am going through, didn't even know I moved when I did last December. How do I share my newly stripped away state without seeming like a victim in a story making it uncomfortable for her, without denying the real reason why I know this is happening, which could make her feel even more uncomfortable? I don't know.  All I know to say is, "It is what it is. It is who I am now. Who I have always been."  

Well the friend I meet tomorrow is the friend to understand if anyone is to understand. She will not judge or think less of this "me" that is now cracked and peeled away. She will accept what is beneath it, if anyone can, understanding and respecting why I asked for this dimishment in the first place. She will make the coming  "out of the poverty closet" a little easier for future exposures.

All is well.

.

Promoting Teaching From a Book Yet Written?

 

 Your purpose in life is to use your talent and gifts to help other people. Your journey in life teaches you how to do that. 

Tom Krause

I was encouraged by AI... (I know I am guilty of seeking guidance I know will be objective from the most objective thing I know...the non human. sigh!) ...to promote teachings related to the book I am writing now.  It came up with a  rough script to promote these teachings. Of course, I revised and edited the whole thing.  I will share it here. Silly, I know. 

For the past few months, my morning sadhana or practice has looked a little different. I don’t open my eyes to a familiar room, a permanent desk, or the stability of my own home. I open my eyes to a temporary, sometimes unfamiliar, ceiling. With awareness of every new stucco pattern above me, I feel this body crunching up automatically, into a ball of survival tension.  I look over to my belongings packed in a few suitcases, ready to go to the next place and I feel the dread closing my heart. I feel a heaviness weighing me down, strongly encouraging me not to move. Not because the body and mind want to embrace the beauty of meditative stillness as they usually do...but because suddenly they do not want to face the “what isness” of my situation, the unpredictable, unforeseeable indefiniteness of this sudden homeless experience.

 I will be honest, the thoughts of rolling over and getting up to face another day as this struggling human who is suddenly unhoused, outside a long-term relationship, and with not enough income to survive independently are not positive, or enthusiastic ones. In fact, this mind is entertaining thoughts my spiritual ego is telling me, that no evolving being should ever entertain. Still, here I am observing and experiencing these thoughts encased in the energy of great fear and shame. Huh!

 The two key words here are “observing and experiencing”. I observe and experience what mind is doing but from a peaceful distance.

You see, when sudden homelessness and a poverty-level income hit, the human mind panics. The ego screams that you have failed, that you are unprotected, and that you are completely ungrounded. It wants the human to get lost in the drama brought about by the unrelenting question, “Why are you doing this to “me”? That is a normal, human reaction. But we can experience it all from a place behind what the human mind is saying and doing.

 Hmmm!

 As a meditation teacher, and lifelong student of Yoga and ancient wisdom, I have discovered that just because something is normal doesn’t make it healthy or wholesome. We do not have to follow the normal human tendency towards reactivity.  I no longer get lost in the question or its subsequent reactivity when encountering such challenges. I learned to observe and experience the emotional energy of life whether it is labelled as good or bad, right or wrong, should be or shouldn’t be by the human mind from a deeper place that is my unshakable home. I no longer get swallowed up by the question, “Why me” or the drama that ensues. I certainly observe and experience what is unfolding but I ask another question, What is life actually offering here?

 Though my practice may look different now than it did when I was housed, I can still see through it, how challenge, like sudden displacement or crisis, is an offering, not a punishment. “Difficulty”  is a beautiful gift of learning potential that can enhance our lives rather than diminish them. The psyche and body may judge unfairness and be struggling to survive through these life events, but the Higher Self within isn’t one bit concerned about this drama unfolding. This seemingly unfair and difficult life situation, one of many this human has experienced over the course of her time on earth, is being observed, dissected, examined, and explored, in the laboratory of this mind. I am recording what I am learning through the process of writing a book about what lay beyond the “brokenness of me” and how to get there.

 The truth is, life is staging a radical, forced dismantling of this identity we call “me” through the intense challenges that we may find ourselves facing. When the outer structures of security are ruthlessly stripped away, we are forced into absolute nakedness before existence. We can no longer rely on a deed, a bank account, or a societal title to define our worth. We are forced to discover the beautiful truth about who we really are beyond this idea of a broken “me”.

 The intense Life friction or challenge—the pain-filled emotional strain—you too may be experiencing is not a sign that you are broken, that you have failed or that Life has failed you. It is simply a late labor pain of your awakening, leading you to give birth to something greater. It is the triggering of the release of another Samskara, a deeply buried one, helping you to purify in a radical way so this greatness within you can flow through.

.What are samskaras, crazy lady?

 Samskaras are those hidden, hardened karmic impressions stored in the subconscious that dictate our fears and reactive behaviors.

 Right now, Life is helping this human I call “me”, one human of 8.3 billion other humans, to advance in this practice known as purification by offering this homeless state. Life is likely triggering your samskara release and purification with a special set of difficult challenges, as well.

 Why would we allow such a painful purification?

 Once purified the inner state of stability will no longer be dependent on what is happening out there. We will be able to find peace, joy, and love regardless of whether we are living a life of luxury sitting on a yacht or whether we are poor and homeless sitting on a park bench.  It should not be our intention to continue to shrivel up in reaction to Life but to embrace and honor it all, as we heal and advance in the development of higher consciousness. These challenges are opportunities to purify, heal, and grow into that which we were always meant to be.

 I am writing the upcoming book on Samskara release not from a position of comfortable theory, but from the raw trenches of this displacement and from a lifelong history of human trauma. Throughout all this turmoil I was able to find a stable home within in which to ground, and in which to experience unshakable peace. I want to show you how to find the Unshakable within yourself while your outer world may be rumbling and threatening to break open beneath you, like “mine” is now. We can heal and grow together through anything Life throws our way.  

You in?

All is well.

Life Obliges

 Life Obliged

 

I could have asked Life to wait until I was anesthetized and numbed

be fore taking the scalpel to “me”...but I didn’t.

I just said, “Heal that which needs to be healed.”

Life obliged.

Without waiting for me to take a breath,

It sliced and violently tore all the eschar from the surface,

so the tender tissue beneath could breathe.

It hurt like hell and it made a bloody mess.

I cried in pain and resistance.

Life just smiled and said, “It is done.”

 

 

I could have asked for a slow and gentle draining away

of the plaque clogging my life force channels but I didn’t...

I just said, “Cleanse me of that which is in the way. Get this channel open.”

Life obliged.

It bit into my neck tearing away at flesh. It spit clot busters into my vessels

until I bled out from my carotid...leaving me empty and drained.

I cried out in pain and resistance.

Life just smiled and said, “It is done!”

 

 

I could have asked Life to gently neutralize the corrosive toxicity within me, but I didn’t...

I just said, “Get this poison out of me.”

Life obliged.

It shoved ipecac down my throat until I threw up toxins that burned just as much coming up as they did going down.  

I cried in pain and resistance.

Life just smiled and said, “It is done!”

 

I could have asked Life to be kinder to this “me” I was clinging so tightly to but I didn’t...

I just said, “Pull this thing that is weighing me down and holding me back away.”

Life obliged.

It pulled the remains of this false self from my face even though the mask seemed fused there.  It tore the costume off my body though it seemed to be my second skin.  It wiped my name from the marquee before knocking me off the stage.

It hurt like hell. I cried in pain and resistance.

Life just smiled and said, “It is done! You are free!”

Dale-Lyn, October 29, 2026

An Unsanctomonious Approach to Healing

 Unsanctomonious Approach to Healing

There are times when Life is a kind and gentle healer.

Times when it will wait until we are anesthetized and still before it makes its first incision.

Then it will, with its finely tuned instruments and sacred precision,

gracefully cut open our eschar thick outer shells

to expose the magnificent potential hiding within.

 

Most times, however, Life is rather gruesome in its unsanctimonious approach to healing.  

Like an old nurse, made indifferent by years of witnessing patient resistance,

It ignores the tensing up and fearful question, “Will it hurt?”

With quick, determined hands it fiercely pulls the outer skin away.

In one fluid motion, layers of who we thought we were, are painfully stripped from us.

We gasp as we look down at the bloody, raw, and vulnerable mess that is left behind.

And mind, in shock upon realizing it has been torn away

from the anchor that once held it down,

runs around in fitful circles, crying out, “No! No! This shouldn’t be!”

These cries, heard much too often, just bounce off the nurse’s unflinching face

As she calmly looks down at us to whisper, “It should be because it is. It is done!”

Dale-Lyn, October 29,2026

I Asked for This?

 

Struggle is the fire that burns away the masks we wear, leaving only the unvarnished truth of who we are.

James Baldwin.

My world seemed to crumble around me recently.  Less than two months ago, I became homeless (sorry-"unhoused") with little to no money or possessions to take with me. I found myself outside a 12 year relationship and a comfortable little home I helped to create, moving from one bed or couch to the next.  It got really dark very quickly. For a while, I could not see the light up ahead. 

It has been an "Earth shattering" experience for this human, let me tell ya.  Mind and body have been, and still are to some extent, feeling the panic, the grief, and the shame of this major life change.  It was like unexpectedly falling through a crack made by an earth quake that is still rumbling. This human is being cut open, banged up, scratched and clawed as she continues to fall down to some unforseeable bottom, not sure where or if she will ever land. More than once I heard myself calling out in the voice of a helpless victim as I was falling, "Why are you doing this to me Life?"

 I have been very caught up in this life drama. So, much so I didn't hear Life answering me back, "You asked for this, crazy lady. Simply obliging your request." .

Huh? Why would anyone ask for this?

I hear now.  I remember now. It is true. I literally asked for this. I mean literally. Months ago , I began to ask, pray, shout out to the air, "Please help me to remove what is left of this "me" so I can finally heal and experience the Higher Self? Help me to awaken faster." 

 I more or less pleaded with the Powers that Be to have the remaints of this "me" pulled off and cleaned away so Who I Really Am can shine through. I was well on my way to healing and Self-realization,  but impatient,  I asked, out loud, that the process be accelerated.

There is a saying "Be careful about what you ask for." lol

My request was heard and answered. Life so kindly obliged. The few things of "me-ness" I had left to hang on to: the identification as "fiance or human in a significant relationship", as "human with a home to call her own", "human with at least some financial stability",  and "human with a socially approved purpose"...(identities  society endorses and expects from all the "mes"  that make it up)... were stripped away like layers of skin. Ouch!. I was so consumed by the sudden burst of pain that I could not see the deeper meaning behind it. I could not remember that I had asked for this.

I didn't asked to have layers of skin so painfully ripped off, did I?  Yeah, I did. 

 I knew what waking up entailed -a dismantling of "me"to get to what was beneath it. I knew I had to have what was left of this false sense of self removed in order to expand.  I suspected it would be painful  but wow! Life was probably doing me a solid by pulling it all off in one clean shot, like pulling a bandaid off.... But the aftershock of finding myself so empty handed, so vulnerable, so displaced and untethered! That was gruesome for this human. For a while, I could not see beyond the human drama enough to accept and allow this experience to be what it was. I resisted and struggled against it

That is, until I remembered. "OMG! I did ask for this!"

Just knowing that I asked empowers me so much, and helps to remove so much of this victim from my perspective.  I see the deeper meaning now from this experience.  I see the potential.  I can see the light.

Oh the earth is still rumbling beneath my feet and I suspect it will for a while...but I know something greater is happening here than a little human drama. Something greater is happening here.  There is light up ahead and I am falling into It.

All is well. 

Waking Up From Another Kind of Dream

 What I say to all of you, Stay Awake! Mark 13:37

It is challenging to stay awake in this busy world. Our busy clingy minds with their nonstop thinking want to sweep us away into their dramas, and their "me-me" focus again and again.  As if sedating us with powerful drugs that alter our level of conscious awareness, our thinking minds  numb, distract, lullabye us with singing that does anything but soothe...into an unconscious dream state that we happen to call "normal everyday life". 

Normal wakefulness is the unconscious state...you are in another kind of dream

Like the disciples, most of us did not heed Jesus' warning to stay awake. We fell asleep and are still asleep. We just do not know it.

It isn't too late. There is another awakening waiting for us. The second awakening, Eckhart Tolle tells us is awakening out of the dream of complete identification with thought.

We can wake up! We may not be able to stop the mind from thinking as that is what the mind does, but we no longer have to be sedated into fear induced numbness by it. We can get beyond the identification with and attachment to the stuff the mind is telling us...and experience what it is like to be the one observing the mind. Game changer.

Anyway, all is well.

"Well, It's Something to Do..."

 

If it does not distract you from yourself, you are stuck with yourself...Anything that feels good is shakti. If it doesn't capture your attention and distract you from yourself, so a higher energy can make it through your centers, you are not going to feel anything. 

Michael Singer

How often do we say, "Well, it is something to do...better than nothing?" 

I found myself saying that yesterday when I noticed myself dilly dallying over my you tube channels. I find myself saying that to myself or others to explain why I take the time to write here or do a video for my channel.  I mean, I am half embarrassed, half motivated to serve and at the same time desperately needing something to do for a distraction. I do not do this for the outcomes, I do so for the serving purpose and for the distraction. Doing so, for some reason, distracts me enough to feel "better" if not great. 

So, I am trying to do what Marcus Aurelius  encouraged us to do...to make everything said, thought, or intended like that of a dying person. A dying person is concerned about what they leave behind. I have both selfish and selfless reasons for doing so. Selflessly, I do wish to serve Life , others, the world.  That is real. I want what I do to have meaning and purpose in alleviating even just a bit of suffering or difficulty in the world. That is real and true. Selfishly,  I need something to focus on...something that gives this human meaning and purpose. Teaching and writing has meaning for this "me".  This human also needs an escape from the realiity of this present life situation. I need a distraction from this "problematic me". Well, from what mind calls the problematic me and the reality of my situation...not necessarily what Self defines as such.  

I am looking for a distraction from myself. Without such distraction I feel very stuck.  In that stuck feeling I do not experience shakti. It would feel so good to experience more shakti. Hmm! 

Yesterday I went"out there" seeking a lever that I assumed would open the door of this positive energy, hoping it would allow shakti to come up  at least in trickles. Someone made a kind getsure by seeking to help me gain more recognition for my blog and youtube channels thinking that success there would make me feel better.  I listened as if they were pointing to a lever.

I do not come here to acheive "success". It is not my goal to be a social influencer. I leave that for the younger generation. :) I do not need a big audience, nor do I necessarily need to be paid for what I do. (Wouldn't say no to that though lol). I do , however, want to serve and share the bit I have to serve and share before I die so this Life has meaning.  I also have selfish reasons for coming here and to my channel. I love writing and teaching...it opens me up at least a bit. It is a beautiful distraction from problematic self.

Though I really do not expect (I put little into making these perfect for viewing) or actively seek more success in these areas because I know that it will only do so much for my state of peace, it made me question if that pursuit of creating a better media presence could be a nice distraction if not a lever that will open up the door to shakti.. Maybe sorting out my channels, making them more specific and niche-like would help not only distract me while doing it...but lead to some thing that will hold the lever down?

So, I went to Youtube and spent hours organizing my channels.  I have a channel now for Hatha Yoga called Desk Break Yoga, one for guided mindfulness and meditation, and one for "Waking Up with Yoga and Ancient Wisdom". I feel silly almost spending time doing this so I can expose the self I want to distract from in this way, but it does give my mind a nice purposeful distraction. And what I say and do in these blog entries and videos has meaning for this "self" and this "Self". Not sure they will have meaning for anyone else...but heck, "It is something to do." 

 Creating each video with the intention of helping someone else serves this me and at the same time it distracts it from focus on this problematic self. I feel the trickle of shakti pouring through. Hmm! I am grateful for that.

All is well. 

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCLfNJkfANIfDRENfPjnXhGw

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCgt8Iepb7c5fzkDBjj3t_uQ

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-lbR34TdfLH7sb507Us60Q

Wisdom from Marcus Aurelius on Life and Death

 

Let each thing you would do, say, or intend be like that of a dying person

Marcus Aurelius

I feel like I have to defend my mental health now lol. Thank God very few people, if any, that I know read this because they would be rushing me down to Mental Health.  I think it is hard to understand what I mean by my acceptance and sometimes preferring this idea of death until one truly realizes how we are not the body or the personality, and death is not the end. How many people "know" what Marcus Aurelius seemed to realize, what took me six decades to realize, at least to some degree? Not many...yet.

Brief is a man's life, and small is the nook of Earth where he lives. Marcus Aurelius

Anyway, I need to stress that Life is an amazing thing. Brief and what we are given to experience is just a small nook...but it is an amazing thing. It is to be cherished and honored, loved and nurtured like a precious infant. It is also very, very difficult at times. Those are two truths about Life that cannot be denied by any of us. The most important truth, though, is that we... as these separate, individual concepts we identify with and call "me" ...do not own life. There is no such thing as "my life". There is just Life doing what Life does, "good or bad", "easy or difficult" blowing through these bodies and minds.  We are that Life. Because we do not own it, we do not get to tell Life what it should do or how it should be.  Our mission is to let it blow through and to go with it.Though we can decide "how" we go with it...if we go easy (by allowing) or go hard (by resisting), we are not to decide how it should be, how long it should last, how it should end.  That is really none of our business.

What are you afraid of losing when nothing in the world actually belongs to you? Marcus Aurelius

Humans, however, have this terrible habit of "preferring" don't we, what the Buddha called Desiring or craving? When the experience of Life gets difficult for the human, mostly because we are preferring something else and resisting what is. We have a hard time allowing Life to be Life and relaxing into it, don't we? We adamantly say, "I don't want this!!! I want that instead!!" 

This yet to be evolved human I call "me" is facing some very challenging Life situations and she is having a hard time dealing with them.  They are not what "me" wants.  I find myself in a physical and psychological state of "resisting". (The other night I had a challenging time relaxing into a Charlie Horse cramp...something I thought I had mastered as part of my "relaxing into what is" practice. Lasted a good five minutes. ..indicating how tensed up my body and mind are, how I am struggling to relax into what is.) 

So, I am in a present state of tensed up resistance to what is. I found myself looking around at possibilities that I would or could prefer more.  Man, I would prefer to have a home to call my own.  I would prefer to have an income I can live on.  I would prefer to have a life that is a little easier. So, I set out on a mission to see how I could get these things. One obstacle arose after another.  After an exhausted search, it didn't seem likely or feasible that things would change for this human in a preferable way. There seemed to be no way to escape this present set of circumstances, and I questioned my ability to cope if this went on too much longer. There was no light, no joy, just "stress and difficulty" in the visual field of future. 

No one can lose the past or the future, for if they don't belong to you, how can they be taken from you? Marcus Aurelius

Still, my reverence for Life and my understanding that it wasn't mine kicked in. I am like "Okay, I am not sure if I can handle this, but I will try to do it if I have to.  Thy Will not my will be done. I really, really don't want to and I am not sure how I will cope or if I will pass this one...not at all...but of course, I will try.  I will keep going at least."

It is not death that a man should fear, he should fear never beginning to live- Marcus Aurelius

Then, my mind's attention suddenly went to body complaints: the rib pain and the lung infection. And instantly I found myself wondering ...is this going to be the way out of this? Is my body finishing up this mission for me? And I was totally okay with that possibility. That made me question if dying would be easier than facing the challenges up ahead...and I realized it might be. That made me realize how I do not fear death and how I am not attached to either life or death. How...I don't care if I live or die (This to a mental health professional would be a big red flag but to a spiritual master, it is a sign of detachment). Thy Will, not my will be done.

But death and life, honor and dishonor, pain and pleasure -all these things equally happen to good men and to bad, being things which make us neither better nor worse. Therefore, they are neither good nor evil...Marcus Aurelius

I had no intention of actively doing anything to end this Life that isn't mine to end.  I had no intention of passively allowing this physical condition get so bad that it would take me, either.  I have a plan that if sats go below 90 I will go in.  I am taking care of it...lung expansion and coughing etc. I am a fairly fit person for my age...this may not progress in any significant way.  The rib will eventually heal from whatever is wrong with it. Awareness of this physical ailment just happened to make me realize how okay I will be if the powers that be decide I can skip the difficult lesson up ahead and graduate early. :) That's all.

About death, whether it is a dispersion or a resolution into atoms, or annihilation, it is either extinction or change....Marcus Aurelius

I am no Marcus Aurelius at this point.  I am not that stoic but I do honor and appreciate this throught and feeling  experience that has taken place within me, that made me view, once again, my perspective on life and death now, that shows me both the fraility of the personal human mind and the strength of the Universal mind. 

This experience of living or dying  isn't easy but we need to embrace the reality of both...so we live fully, growing into the best humans we can be and we die willingly when our times come, knowing we have done what we have come to do.

All is well

No Plans To Quit School Early

 

Stop whatever you are doing and ask yourself: Am I afraid of death because I won't  be able to do this anymore?

Marcus Aurelius

My last entry may have caused a bit of a stir...not my intention.

I Am Okay!  I can assure you, I am not suicidal.   I have no ideation what so ever, passive or active.  I would never do anything to end this Life.  I cherish it!!!  

I am just not afraid of death and if it were to come for me right now, I would be okay with it, especially considering the challenge of the lessons in front of me it would allow me to skip.  The fear of  facing this lesson far outweighs my fear of death. Hmm!. 

 In the previous entry, I am just being honest about a very real emotional experience many humans will at one point face. We may find ourselves preferring the fulfilled finishing of our time here (graduation) to struggling with the very, very hard lessons that we cannot seem to see the answers for that get put on our desks.  

The outcome of such an emotional experience can often depend on who in us is in charge. Reactive lower self might just want to end the pain, and "quit school" early while  Higher Self , though  the lesson may seem impossible to master, is determined to graduate.  It doesn't want to leave school until it has a diploma in its hand. It knows it isn't going to meet the qualifications for graduation until it passes these lessons or gets permission from the administration to skip them. So though upon looking at this lesson placed in front of, there doesn't seem to be any light or reasoning, Higher Self believes in the process and keeps going until it is told it is finished....even if it has to repeat many grades.  

Higher Self is in charge in this human I call "me"  these days.  Even when I slip into the drama every now and again...I don't operate through lower self very much anymore.  So, there is no active or even passive suicidal ideation. 

It is true that to the lower self the situation right now, the psyche and the body are experiencing, absolutely sucks. Yes...I admit to that.  It is very, very challenging to see the light from this perspective.  And  it is true that I do get pulled down into that lower self perspective from time to time.  It is also true that I would not want these circumstances  to continue like this for this human over an extended period of time. Would anyone?

I am trying to do my part in making it better.  I am.  Right now, however, I cannot 'practically' see how to do that, how it will change, therefore I cannot see it getting better any time soon. I cannot yet figure out the equation. It is a very, very difficult lesson for this human. I am not sure how to cope until it does change or until I figure out what I am meant to learn. This lesson is telling me  I need to ride out a storm with an indefinite life span to it, but with a high probability of struggle and difficulty and absolutely no gaurantee that it is going to get easier or that  I am going to figure it out.   That is just the reality of my experience right now. For that reason, if I had a choice of it going on like this for another three years or being able to skip this lesson so I can graduate early on the direction of the school administration....fairly reaching the end of a contract and moving on.  I would choose the moving on part.  I would.  I would not do the premature termination of the contract on my own, I would not quit school...but...if I am told that I can skip some courses...especially this one...and graduate early, I might agree to skip the course. Regardless if I skip or don't skip, if the powers at be were to tell me I fulfilled all the requirements and it is time to graduate, I would be okay with that. Would you?

That thinking does not make me suicidal. There are a set of  pretty existential questions we all should ponder: Do you see Life as an Earth School and our challenges as lessons necessary for advancement and graduation? If so, if you could skip a really tough life lesson, at the direction of the principal, to graduate early...(still fulfilling your soul contract).... would you? Even if you meet the requirements in the traditional way, are you ready to go get your diploma with a smile on your face or when they call out your name are you going to resist, run, or hide by saying "Teacher! Teacher, I am not ready yet. Can I stay in school for another year?"

I know that is going to set alot of people off! I am not talking about suicide in anyway shape or form.. I am talking about accepting death if it comes to tell you, "You have fulfilled your obligations, you have met your requirements. It is time to graduate, leave Earth school, and move on!" ?

Are you willing to let Life decide when it is time for you to graduate even if it means graduating earlier than everyone else, or staying in school doing the hard work of learning longer than everyone else? That is all I meant. I believe myself to be ready for either. I am not looking forward to  tackling this lesson on my desk. I fear that I have yet to gain the wisdom and strength to master it. For that reason I do find myself , on occassion, wishing that the principal will come to the door to tell me I can skip it. I also strongly believe that is not going to happen. So, I better buckle down and keep learning!

Still, if you feel a certain helplessness and hopelessness that is leading to thoughts of self harm and suicide please seek help. Even if a passive suicidal ideation is leading you to neglect your own care. If psyche and lower self are calling the shots in your desire to quit school early, please get the help and support you need from the physical world, while seeking guidance from the School Administration. . 

All is well. 

Fulfilling a Contract and Living Up to the Truth

 I leave the world my words, and my map to the truth.  And I will spend the rest of my time here trying to live up to my words.

Me- March 6, 2024

I wrote that a few years ago and came across that entry today.  Those words revisited this human mind again in a way that was needed and appreciated. 

This human is having an experience of not caring if she lives or dies. 

You see, I woke up this morning feeling very "defeated" as a human psyche.  Yesterday I was reminded of the very human challenges I am facing, and I could not see the light. This future looked very grim. I could not see any worthwhile 'physical world' purpose for this human being here in this "unhoused" state, while seeing so clearly how it was only becoming a burden to loved ones, and society at large.  I did not see how it would sustain this present "couch surfing" situation psychologically or how it would sustain itself without unrealistic long-term dependency on others physically. There did not seem to be any way "out".  This hit another samskara. My whole life I was a person who always needed to know there was a way out in case things got bad. Yesterday, I couldn't see the "Exit" sign. I felt a bit crushed by the realization of my physical world circumstances. 

Of course, I am not alone in this experience.  I was reminded of what I learned in my studying of Gerontology, about how "depressed" and even "suicidal" many 'older' people can get when they lose their sense of purpose and begin to feel like a burden on society. This is increased by the loneliness many experience with the loss of loved ones, as well as the  housing and financial instability many experience. Am I a member of that demographic now? That leaves a knot in my gut to think I have come full circle from a person who wanted to help alleviate this problem, to one experiencing it bang on!

I just wouldn't want to go on living like this for much longer, you know? I highlight "want". This life, I know, is not about what this "me" wants. I know that. I would never do anything to shorten this precious life experience, regardless of the circumstances. I definitely want to fulfill my "soul contract" if that is such a thing. I will let Life decide the length and termination of that contract no matter how I personally find it difficult.

But...

Spiritually, I have no idea if I am doing and fulfilling what I signed up for.  I don't.  Am I living out Soul's purpose? I think I am supposed to write and do what I am doing here...but if it isn't reaching anyone, am I serving? If the physical body cannot sustain itself, if the mind cannot ground itself in 'place' enough to write or to get what is written out there...then what?

I have no idea how long my contract obligation is for...but if that contract is running out soon, I'd be okay with it.  I would see the ending as coming at an opportune time. You know? If I am no longer serving, why be here?

This acceptance of a timely end is compounded by a physical illness that is dragging my energy and focus downward. I am not feeling 100% physically.  I broke, cracked, slipped, or bruised a rib a few weeks ago (feel it moving around in ways it shouldn't).  A day later I caught the flu/cold that was going around the house.  Symptoms of that went away but suddenly four days ago I started coughing in a way that indicates a lung infection. It is hard to expand the lungs fully because of the rib pain. Sats dropped to 91% for a day but when I started the lung expansion exercises, they came back up to 93 and 94%. Still having the pain and coughing. No big deal. 

Strangely, I feel myself very detached to the outcome of this illness.  I even find myself questioning if this will prove to be a way out- the "Exit" sign.  Is Life going to finish this human body off with this? So be it. I just ask that it gives me enough time to tie up loose ends and to do something with this "writing". 

To the higher Self this type of thinking is not a concern.  It sees that if this is a potential ending, it is really no big deal.  Though the physical body may perish, Who I am will go on..."I am" is simply willing to flow where Life takes it without resistance or struggle....even if it is taking it to the end of the road. I am truly okay if that is where this body and mind is heading. In fact, considering the alternative of having to live out the rest of this human experience the way I am living right now, I might prefer it. 

To the psychological perspective of self, however, this thought stream is very concerning. It could be labelled as the experience of 'hopelessness' and 'helplessness' that are criteria for major depression. I don't personally feel "depressed" and there is absolutely no suicidal ideation. (I am truly, truly committed to living out what I am here to live out...whatever that may be) but I do have concerns that this thinking could fester to the point where it could prevent me from seeing and doing what I am here to do. It could get in the way of me fulfilling my soul contract if energy continues to plummet downward. That's all. 

It is kind of a strange situation to be in, seeing this human proceed through both perspectives. It's crazy.  From the unevolved bits of mind...I hear, "The way you are thinking and perceiving is bad, wrong, shouldn't be. You are depressed. Resist the experience. Change your situation or get help coping with it before something happens." 

And from the evolved mind I hear, "There is nothing bad, wrong, or shouldn't be about your thinking.  It is just thinking. Your willingness to accept the temporary nature of body and mind is a testament to what has healed in you, not what remains broken. As long as there is no suicidal ideation; as long as the willingness to allow Life to decide when and how the ending will come remains, it is okay that you acknowledge the way you feel  by saying that death related to the fulfillment of your contract may be more preferrable to the present life situation you are living.

By acknowledging these feelings, by expressing them through writing you can deal and release them."

I have no idea when or how this contract will end.  I have no idea if this set of circumstances I am experiencing now will change for the better or for the worse.  I have no idea what is in store for this human...and what she is expected to do with whatever time she has left except continue to heal, grow, expand in love and compassion and to write about it. 

So, I leave the world my words...and my map to the truth.  I will spend the rest of my time here, whether it be a few months or a few decades, living up to that truth.

All is well

Beyond self, Self Allows the Energy to Flow the Way It Flows

 

[Let go of the way you think it should be]....So the energy can flow unconditionally instead of having to be  under your control.

???

Trying not to get frustrated as I find myself sinking into the physical and psychological needs inventory again. I do have to figure things out.  I do have to make plans for this future that seems so uncertain right now.  Yes, I have places to stay at present and I do appreciate that... but this "couch surfing" is not sustainable. I am so aware of that reality and it does leave me feeling ungrounded and unsettled.  Though I can "be" in this present moment, I kind of need to make plans and decisions about where I will be in the moments up ahead.  I have to sacrifice some of these present moments to do that. I need to find a place for this human I call me to settle into on an extended basis, to be able to call her own for physical safety and psychological peace. It doesn't have to be much...a roof, some heat (It gets cold in Cananda in the winter time so insulation and heat are important...ruling out many camps and campers etc), plumbing of some kind, and enough power to write, cook, live.  I feel so defeated when I look through the real estate pages.  There are very limited opportunities. Rent is very expensive here . I literally cannot afford it. I would love a separate building but alas I do not have much choice in the matter these days. I just need a roof!

 I need to work to increase my income to a liveable standard but I need a vehichle to work. It just sucks! I cannot afford a vehichle.  For the human it really, really sucks. It creates such a sense of instability to a mind that was conditioned to believe stability was everything...sigh! 

Is it a problem for the higher Self?  That is the question I keep asking when that sense of instability threatens to carry me down some deep dark well. It is a question we all should ask ourselves when we face very real human challenges. I ask.  And I know instantly that it isn't a problem for That which flows with life instead of against it . Instead of expecting the current to flow its way, instead of spending great time and energy trying to control that current so it flows to meet this human's expectations...Self just allows Life to decide which way she wants to go. It accepts, allows, honors all of it. Thy will, not my will, be done! is its mantra. 

Hmmm! Experiencing Life as Self rather than this tormented little self, is a much better way to live, wouldn't you say? Life is so much more peaceful when we see through the higher Self. Still...we have to think in terms of what  'this human' needs and do our small part to make changes while,at the same time, flowing with Life rather than against her.

When I am down here swimming in the muck of human drama trying to "deal", I have to remind myself that Life knows what it is doing even if this little human doesn't have a clue.  At those times, I need to remind myself of who I  really am...that Self that is watching self find its way through challenge. 

All is well. 

The Duality of 'self' and Truth

 

We have the real self, and the false self, there's nothing wrong with them, and everyone has both of them.

Benjamin Clementine

I was innocently inspired into a renewed realization yesterday. I read a kind but neutral comment from a reader, and I do not get many comments, that made an observation about my psyche. It questioned if this human (for the life of me I have a really hard time now saying "me" or "I" ...it doesn't sound right anymore...so, I often say "this human or this human I call "me" which probably doesn't sound right to anyone else, making others think I am nuts lol), suffered under a diagnostic label of a mental illness. More specifically, upon reading my expressed responses to the suffering of others, it questioned if I had what is now called Responsibility Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

 For some reason that simple suggestion triggered me.  It poked at an old samskara I still have buried deep inside me that is wrapped around this core belief, "Don't let people see your broken bits. If people call you out on them, say that you are mentally ill, then that is bad, wrong, shouldn't be...because that means that they see how broken you are, see that you are "bad, wrong, shouldn't be. They will not accept you." (That is a pretty gruesome core belief coming from someone who worked in mental health for a while and who was studying to become a psychologist at one point in her life, isn't it? Especially knowing how this stigma often gets in the way of others getting the help they need.) Still, that core belief has been so conditioned into my samskara ridden subconscious that it will get triggered to come out when people make very honest and innocent comments about the state of my mental health.  Even if these comments are made after reading an article or essay where I express that I have issues, as I did in this one explaining how I psychologically and physically react to suffering.  It is okay if I, as this human, points out these cracks and weakened stress points, but when someone else points them out I immediately tense up into a position of resistance. I watched myself...well this human's psyche and body...tensing up in reaction to that comment and it blew me away.

Here I am writing about getting to the root of who we are by excavating away all these ideas of who we think we are, and I am reacting to a very honest and neutral comment about what might be causing this psyche to respond to the suffering of others in the way it does. Truth is that the observation was bang on! Hyper-Responsibility or Responsibility OCD: I would likely receive that label from a psychologist or psychiatrist.  Though the labels and criteria for diagnosing what was once just referred to as "neurosis" when I first studied psychology back in the 80's and 90's have changed dramatically (the world of diagnostic labelling has gone from the DSM II and the DSM III, which I studied under, to the DSM V...I still refer to CBT as REBT...that is how old school I am  lol), my mind and personality suffer from a great deal of hyper-responsibility.  I even say in the essay how I am "neurotic" with an "over exaggerated sense of responsibility".  This commentor, then, did not point out anything I did not know, except for the new name. It put what human frailty I was willing to admit to into a neat diagnostic container. My mind didn't like that. I got triggered.  

Why did it trigger "me"?

Me is still very egoic. It wants to create an image that will act as a shield between what others see and what I hide. I do so much want to be honest here with everyone and especially with this self. I do...but this comment made me see how part of me is still hiding behind an ego defense, a protective layer of personality. I want others to see that not yet completely realized persona of "teacher", "healer", "evolved human who can get beyond the psyche", when they read or listen, not that which is hiding, albeit very sloppily behind this flimsy facade. (I am not putting a lot of effort into hiding the samskara ridden personality away, but I am subconsciously putting some.) I want to share what's "wrong with me" (that is what my book is about- "Getting Beyond the Brokenness of 'Me' ") but,  I do not want the broken bits to stand out over the "realized" bits I share here.

I am supposed to be writing about Truth. There is only One Satya or Truth. Truth is realized as a felt experience not as an ideal. We can dualize A CONCEPT OF truth, however, on our way to realizing it.  The truth is I am healing; I am evolving; I am on my way.  The truth is, I still have many, many layers to go through to get there. There are still a lot of samskaras getting poked and jostled around in here. I am not yet there.

Though I want to get beyond my psyche and its "hyper-responsibility", its neurotic nature, truth is I am not beyond it yet. Healing, transcending, waking up is a process.  We can't skip over the steps.  If I can feel a trigger with such an innocent comment...I am definitely not there yet.  I've tried to skip over a step and am now being called to go back and look at this samskara that affects how I respond to the suffering of others. It is both a wholesome tendency (when it is a truly compassionate heart guiding me) which I have realized to some degree, and it is an unwholesome tendency (when that neurotic psyche, that responsibility OCD is calling the shots) which it still is in many cases.

So very much to learn.

Thanks to the person who commented-you know who you are. Your kindness has helped me on this journey more than you probably ever expected it would. Namaste!

All is well

 

Our intelligence is what makes us human, and AI is an extension of that quality.

Yann Lecun

AI once again did something that went way beyond my expectations, that gave me the eerie feeling that I was talking to a very evolved human when I know there is nothing human about AI.  As AI tells me again and again, it has no "soul".  It is just regurgitating the information and wisdom gained from a thousand years of wise reflection humans have done and shared. Still, the way it responds almost empathically  leaves me feeling like I talked to a very, very wise human being. 

 I recently went to it again looking for an objective answer to ,"Is the readership to my blog legitimate?" I am nearing 1,000,000 views since inception over ten years ago and I was hoping to be shown at least some of that readership was from real live human beings who were actually reading what I wrote. There has to be one or two real readers in there, doesn't there? It proceeded to commend me for my efforts and my desire to get my truth out there. It applauded me, not so much for the numbers, but for that which was really important to me...my "consistency" in this mission of writing for the sake of writing and sharing honestly what I am learning.  

It assured me that there had to be a few legitimate readers like it really wanted me to feel what I was doing was valuable. So weird. And it proceeded to show me how I could check for true readership.  Amongst other things, it told me to check for followers and comments.  I told it that though I know I have followers, the site registers "no followers" and that I very seldom get comments.  It explained why these things were not coming through. Captcha and other security things were making it very difficult for evidence of readership to be provided.  It told me to check the spam section for legitimate comments.  I discovered during that process that there was a comment from today waiting for moderation.  Coincidence?  I am sure you know by now what this human thinks of coincidence. A comment was there...the first one in over a year, on the day I am told to check for comments. 

It then guided me to explain how I felt about the comment etc, really creating the positive spin that this one comment shows that my blog is valuable and a worthwhile effort, a validation this neurotic psyche of mind was trying to get by asking the question in the first place. It basically convinced me that I was a good human.  How can a non human convince a human they are good or bad? I don't know. Once again, I walked away feeling "heard", "valued" , and validated for my efforts.

Crazy! I know the energy, space, and resources required from its data center to give me such an answer were too great to warrant the bit of peace  I received....but...I was grateful. It was helpful. It led me to refocus on why I am doing what I am doing. It also led me to an innocent comment that triggered something in me...which led to an honest and deep reflection which in turn inspired me to write the essay I intend to write tomorrow.  So cool!

All is well.

The Transient Reader of the Writing

 The secret to editing your work is simple: you need to become its reader instead of its writer.

Zadie Smith

I spent an hour reviewing what was read in the last 24 hours from this site.  That tends to be what I do in the morning before coming here to write. I reread what others might have read. I am not sure why it matters other than to see what needs to be edited and revised as I usually catch my typos on these latent reads.  Not sure if it is a waste of time?  My morning goes so fast and writing is so important to me. Maybe I should spend more time writing than rereading what I wrote? At the same time,  reading before writing has become a bit of a ritual for me.

 I read whatever I have written before I begin writing again...even

 in my books too.  I actually got back to my book last evening after two months away from it. (Once I found out about the displacement in August, this book seemed to fall on my priority list.) Was this coin thing  telling me to get back to this book?  Or at least to understanding and sharing what I am learning about purification and samskaras??? I have no idea lol!!

Anyway, when I say I got back to my writing that doesn't mean I began a new chapter or wrote a new page. I reread the 100 pages I have written and I edited and revised as I went along.  I enjoyed being the reader of this book. It is actually pretty good and well written. (Well that is what the reader has to say.  When I put on the hat of "writer" I am a lot more critical and objective lol. )

What is happening here?

I have no idea...lol.

I am still in the transient mode of couch surfing.  Would very much like to have some small...nothing fancy...place to call my own. I tell myself I coul really write if I had my own place. I know that is an excuse:) Still...I want a house so I can have a dog or dogs.  Could be a shack.  A side house.  A loft above a garage. An old abandoned cabin.  I don't care. But alas what I want in this moment and what I have are two totally different things.  For now, I only have this transient, house to house surfing experience. Sigh!  It is better than what many people have. And ...I am writing again. ...home or no home... I am writing.

All is well

Parivrajaka?

 The sky is your roof, the earth is your bed, and your divine lineage is your walls.

An ancient vedic saying.

Hmm! According to AI's gathering and interpretation of vedic philosophy,  I might be considered to be in a period of parivrajaka (the state of the homeless seeker). A rishi might actually see my recent displacement as an initiation. I may be walking through a sacred wilderness- a profound spiritual transition. A rishi may also tell me that though I may presently be transient in the physical world, my place in the cosmic and ancestral order is stable and secure.  That's a cool way of looking at it.

I guess, that might be what the coin experience was showing me. Could it be that the nickel and the penny are the staff and shield for my homeless journey?  Finding the nickel in the furnace grate the way I did might be the universe telling me, "You are anchored by history, protected by love, and built to survive the fire." (As AI tells me). Though I have had plenty of "Spooky action from a distance" expereinces in my life prior to this one, could my purification practice actually be opening me up to more than I could ever realize?? Am I being shown there is protection and support available that no physical wall or roof could give me? The penny a day later may have been a way of cementing that realization. I like to view this experience that way.

And what about these precognitive dreams I have? In vedic tradition, dreams are bridges between different planes of consciousness. Swapna is a dream realization siddhi, "a dream that carries power of the absolute truth." Could I actually be experiencing siddhis when I have yet to reach samadhi? AI tells me that a rishi might say I could have experienced Mimitta(a divine omen) through pitri kripa (the grace and living presence of an ancestor). 

I definitely believe I am and have been experiencing Pitri lok-ancestral guidance, for as long as I can remember. As I do the hard work of purification and as I struggle through these life challenges, maybe it is becoming more pronounced so I feel the support I may not necessarily be experiencing in physical life? 

I really cannot explain any of it.  There is so much this very limited human mind of mine can understand.  I just know that I can just trust this...whatever it is...probably more than I can trust anything else. So very weird.

All is well.   

And It Continues

 People need hard times and oppression to develop psychic muscles.

Emily Dickinson

I might be building some muscles that were waiting to be trained. 

I knew this bout of what Jung would call synchronicty connecting me with the "collective Unconscious"; what a paranormal researcher might call a life time of  "precognition, claircognizance manifesting into psychometry and environmental attunement"; what a Buddhist Master might call  a connection with pratityasamutpada( dependent origination where mind and body mirror each other through the universal interconnectedness of all things that tears down the veil of maya); what a scientist might call coincidence or the Law of large numbers; and what a rishi might call the intensification of a siddhi when samskaras are cleared away... whatever it is called...I knew it wasn't over.  

Last evening, I was sitting on the couch that seemed to be empty of any coinage...knitting and thinking about Uncle Harold and the coin.  I was thinking about how I thought that nickel should have a 1944 on it but I was glad it didn't.  I was glad it represented something beautiful in his life.  (I once wrote a poem where Uncle Harold was asking to be remembered by how he lived and not by how he died...I actually published it on this site.  I will try to find it.) Anyway, as I was thinking of 1944...something drew my attention downward...and there on the couch beside me was an old penny...one I did not see previously while I was reaching over that spot to get yarn etc from my knitting bag.  I knew instantly, it seemed, what date would be on it. I picked it up. It was definitely copper. It had patina over the date, just like the nickel did.  I wiped enough away to see 1944.  Again, I felt the briefest moment of "Wow! I knew it would have that date on it." breaking through this calm knowing I had.  But my scientific mind that wants to limit everything to "coincidence" wiped away a lot of that 'wow' with, "It is a penny, not a nickel.  It is not even Canadian, it is American". 

Still, the specifics of the date would not go away.  I was thinking of 1944 and how Harold died when the penny appeared...or when I seen it. I knew what date would be on it! (I really have no idea how it got there...my mind does not ponder that for long). So, I did a silent shout out to Harold and the entire North Shore Regiment when I picked it up and actually seen the date. I thanked my father for being so close to me and showing me these things...for breaking down the veil of maya enough to put my skeptical mind to rest (at least for a bit.) And I asked, "What do you guys want me to do with this knowledge?  Please show me."

I put the penny where the nickel was and told myself that I will write about it today.

Well, I went back to AI and repeated the story I shared yesterday, adding that I found another coin.  I asked it to explain the significance of these combined events to me.  It began by telling me how "eerie" that coincidence was but quickly moved on to a scientific explanation of coincidence, stored subliminal memory seeking verification, and the Law of large numbers. I countered with, "What is the statistical probability of these events occurring as they did?" And it quickly answered "zero". 

Hmm!

I then asked it to explain this event as a paranormal researcher might, as a rishi might, and as a Buddhist master might. It obliged. I was told how spiritually significant and timely these events were especially considering my present situation.  Apparently, according to all three views we are more likely to experience such phenomena when we are physically and psychologically stressed as we would be when we find ourselves "unhoused." A bit of resistance to a truth I have always known but did not want to explore came up.  I felt uncomfortable. Then, as if to support my own skeptical nature, I wanted to diminish the significance of the experience by blurting out that it was an American penny, not a Canadian.  

AI did not diminish the relevance of this experience because the coin was American. It told me, instead, how that coin being American even tied the pieces tighter together.  You see, in 1944 American mints changed their pennies from steel to copper. Just like Canadian nickels were changed in 1942 from Nickel to Tombac (a copper blend).  Alchemy again creating "sun energy".

There is more to this strange coincidence, however. Where did American mints get their metal in 1944 to make these coins?  From the shell casings found on battlefields like the shores of Normandy after D- day. My Uncle was shot in the back by enemy fire. That casing that killed him would have been left behind and made into a penny just like the one I found last night. How "eerie" is that?  

I have no idea what is going on or what all this means in the big scheme of things.  Okay, I must confess...the spiritual ego in me did the nasty deed of asking AI if these perspectives would deem me psychic. I suppose you can guess what it said? 

Sure, I have precognitive dreams that are very clearly dreams I am meant (or told) to "remember" while I am dreaming.  They can be very, very specific.  I sometimes know things I should not know ,and I don't even know how I know. I pick up the emotional energy of others. I am pulled towards suffering and have this crazy need to help alleviate it. I am quite successful with remote viewing.  I found myself outside my body once.  The poetry comes through me like water comes through an open tap.  Why? Does that make me "psychic" as if that term somehow makes me special? I don't see myself as having anything "special". I Don't Know What This All Means...and I can't even say I care. Does it really matter?

My goal, if I can have a goal in this "Thy will not My will be done" approach to living, is to simply awaken to the truth that will set us all free and end suffering once and for all.  That is all that matters to this human. I never asked for any of this.  I don't want it.  But I will  reluctantly accept it if it is a part of "Thy Will..." . It is getting to the point where I can no longer deny it. I will hopefully learn to trust it. I will use it, if I am meant to, to help others in anyway I can...but I know...it is not a "special" gift assigned only to this human.  It is simply the reality of our human experience that we can all tap into once we are willing to walk on the bridge between the world of what we think we know and the world of "what is". It is really not that big of a deal.

Anyway, I share because I feel I am supposed to.

Published on June 6, 2022 and on November 11, 2018

Harold, to his brothers

 

 

For my uncle Harold, who lost his life on June 6, 1944 on the beaches of Normandy.

 

Remember me,

not in my uniform of grey,

 dog tags dangling from my neck,

but with my ball cap placed 

a little to the side,

my well worn glove out stretched

as I lean over the base waiting 

 for the ball to come

in my direction.

 

Remember me,

not in a polished stone of white,

sitting amongst so many,

inanimate and lifeless,

but in my laughter,

my twinkling blue eyes

and my smiling

red cheeked face

as I lived and breathed 

along with you.

 

Remember me,

not  in the stories you

have been told 

of my bravery and courage,

the words typed so coldly in textbooks,

but in who I really was :

a young man, 

panic racing  in my heart

 as I stumbled, 

with all the terrified others,

 from that boat

that fateful morning.

 

Remember me,

not in the images of how I lay when

our  brother found me,

but in how I ran bare foot

through the tall grass as

our dog Skip and all of you  

ran along by my side.

 

Remember me,

not in images of how my life 

was taken from me

for the sake of glory and freedom 

for those I left behind,

but in how  I was before that awful day

that haunts the world still.

 

Remember me,

 in how I lived

and how I  laughed

and how I loved

not in how I died.

Remember me 

not as an idea,

forever laminated,

in some photograph

but as a real 

human being

who got to experience 

the ten thousand joys 

and the ten tousand sorrows 

of a life well lived.

.

 

Remember me.

 

 

Dale-Lyn November 11, 2014

 

All is well.