Out of the Corner of My Eye

 It was also during this time in my remote  viewing development  that I began to see things out of the corner of my eye.

Joseph McMoneagle

I realize after refreshing what I have learned about remote viewing, that what I did in my attempt two days ago was not really remote viewing. Well, at least not according to Joseph McMoneagle and the protocol set up by Stargate, a once classified and top secret US army intelligence project that utilized remote viewers.(Like that is a pretty credible resource for the validation of this process, isn't it? It cant be that woo-woo if army intelligence was using remote viewing for 20 years! Though the project was returned to the CIA, and then publicly labelled ineffective with vague results...the results when they were declassified and later publicized... were far, far from vague).

Anyway, I was not remote viewing according to protocol. First of all, I have no idea what I am doing lol...so lets make that clear. As far as I am concerned I was just "guessing" and somehow despite the absurdly low  probability of doing so, I was guessing right 3/5 times. I was following the suggested format, but most of the information I gathered did not come from the squibbling, the sensory data, or the sketching (though some of it did)...it came from that which it was not supposd to come from: The AOL or Anayltical overlay (the way the intellectual  mind makes sense of data, puts the vague pieces together into something familiar,  by using pre-existing perceptions and information). 

This AOL is often viewed as interference in the remote viewing practice and is said to get in the way of a pure download from the subconscious. The protocol is to write this data down as it comes in, in a seperate column on the left margin of the page. Anything that pops in and is very clear in the form of words or ideas...especially if they are nouns or clear ideas are written away from the "glimpses of download" one may be getting. One is not supposed to clearly state what the target may contain...only describe what they are picking up and to draw it to the best of their ability.

Well...Things come to me in words...thoughts.  Not sure if I am "hearing" them or just thinking them...sometimes I will actually see the word. When I "get" a word whether it is my imagination or not, I write it down in quotation marks to indicate it is a word I am sensing in some ways. It often feels like a guess so I write that word (or sentence)in the AOL column...other times the words feel  "right" than I write those words around the sketches I am attempting to draw.  

Are these words always matching what the target reveals?  Absolutely not...a lot of times they have nothing to do with the image...but many more times they do. If I had to measure accuracy of my guesses  by counting how many times I got something in terms of a glimpse, a word, a shape, or feeling...right versus how many times I got it wrong...even in some of my worse "guesses"when the picture never matched what I had in my mind...the data right usually outweighs the data wrong or at least some of  the details that I connect together are too specific to ignore. 

Sometimes, even though I have a lot of unmatching or even contrasting information in a guess, something like "arabic writing" will come through and it will be so strong I can't deny it. It will then lead to an AOL like   "arabic woman standing alone"  "in dark clothes". Now I could be piecing stuff I already know together with this vague stuff...the loops I was seeing did look like the q's and f's? of the arabic alphabet ( I didn't consciously think I knew that at the time...but part of me did) What I kept drawing over and over was a connection of these loops...thus "repeated pattern" came to me. Then suddenly "arabic writing" made sense to me. That was clear but at the same time I  doubted myself and put it in the AOL column. So, what do I think of most often when I think of that alphabet...devote Muslims.  What is a symbol of a very devote muslim that comes to my mind? A women in a Burka. Thus "dark clothes"...The woman part also came with the word "ponytail" that popped in my mind  seemingly from nowhere...I couldn't connect it with anything other than the guess"must be a female".  That may be why I saw a female. 

The whole time I was "guessing"...it was all guessing...some of those guesses felt very strong but I still couldn't trust them to be accurate...There is a lot of skepticism and self doubt getting in the way here. So much so taht I never summarize my findings.  Even after I realized that three pictures were pretty well bang on but belonging to different target numbers out of the five, I did doubt.  If I was really doing this, I convinced myself, the pictures would not have been scrambled. Then when I read that this happens sometimes I trusted that I could  just be getting information out of time...I was willing to try to trust the process a little more.  The pics really seemed to match my descriptions.  

But...I told myself this can't be happening....I am just wanting to believe this works. I want to believe in magic. I need to  make sure that I am seeing the matching clearly and objectively! So, I looked again at the picture of a woman standing over a barb wired fence...(the word "prickly" came so clear to me during the practice too)..I found myself ...questioning, "Well how do I know she is arabic? She is not in a burka...as I assumed she would be...sure she is in dark clothing but still...it isn't a burka. (I did not say Burka in the description...the words, "in dark clothing" came to me. My mind just made the assumption it was a burka...but the word "burka" never came to me like "in dark clothing" did )How do I know she has a ponytail when her head is covered ( as a devote islamic women's head would be)? Am I just assuming that the building she is looking at is a mosque? That style roof  is very similar to Russian orthodox architecture.  Maybe the photo is of a Ukranian women looking into her country during war time? I did very much get the feeling of "war time' when looking at the picture. Come on, how do I know she is arabic...Arabic was the biggest gut feeling I had. I clearly wrote "arabic writing" "arabic woman standing alone" "in dark clothes". "If she isn't arabic, and  if that wasn't a mosque," I told myself. "None of this stuff is  true." 

Even if she wasn't arabic...how coincidental is that to have a woman standing alone in dark clothes looking at something that "could be" a mosque??? Of all the thousand and thousands of pictures in that data bank....this is the pic that came up in the five.

And the man on the moon one...I drew what my mind told me looked like "Earth". I wrote it down and the word space came to me so quickly ..I wrote "space"  ...not in the AOL section but next to my sketch.  I wrote "distant" "alone"under the, What does this make you feel like? part of sensory data... because that was the feeling I picked up.  Most bizarre, I wrote "rim of orange light to my left of the picture." There was an obvious rim of orange light in front of the astronaut. 

The sand dune wave and cloud one had a lot of information that would never apply...but my final sketch was of waves under clouds. I also wrote "sand""soft". I was convinced it was water...when I first squibbled the waves. So when I did the dot dot dot sketch...I told myself that must be rain coming from the clouds or sprays of water on the camera lens...but the word "sand" popped into my head and I wrote that down near the sketch.  I told myself it must be the sand on the beach near the water. My mind was stuck on the waves being water...I started with writing "wave-like" but my mind was so convinced it was water, I wrote "water" in the AOL section. It turned out to be big waves of sand dunes under clouds. Hmm!

People often pop in when I am using this data bank of photographs..."Goethe lady in black"   came in this time...I discovered when blurry images  of these people pop in and they don't fit the scenario they could  actually be the photographers that took the pic (well I only gathered evidence of this twice and only once very clearly). When I started testing this a year ago, there was one pic of wild animals I got ...quite succesfully but I kept seeing this man...in his thirties...ginger...standing there, with an open hoodie on...I wrote it down because it  kept popping in and seemed quite clear...it was really interfering with what I was seeing of this wild animal...so I thought I must be wrong or the animal was in  zoo and he must be the zookeeper. So, I just wrote it all down...and when the pic came up...sure enough it was just of this mother leopard washing her baby...no human in the picture. Now the image if this man seemed to belong in this picture somehow so I decided to check the photo for the photographer's name (a lot of these shooters are from National Geographic). I looked him up under images...and the first pic to come up was of a man in his thirties with an open hoody on  and a camera around his neck...ginger. He was a wildlife photographer for National Geographic.  It was not the exact pic I had put together in my mind, but it was close enough for me to say, "WTFrontdoor?"

My mind is still convinced I am just "guessing". Isn't that weird?

I am not sure what this all means and why I am even sharing it. Something tells me this ability we all have is something too important to hide away.

The more intention you place on hiding something, the more it shines like a beacon in psychic space.

Pat Price, former Standford Research Institute Remote Viewer

All is well!

Learning from Another's Solitary Refinement

 

The transformed mind has the opportunity to transcend the ordinary, conceptual, dualistic, egoitistic level of our consciousness.

Jetsunma Tenzin Palma

I have been learning about and listening to Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo, a Buddhist Nun (and yogi) who spent 12 years in a Himalayan cave seeking enlightenment. I think she is my new hero. She came out of isolation to advocate for the rights of women to pursue the spiritual ranks of Buddhist Monastic practice and tradition that, up until then, was typically reserved for men. 

She, I assume, would have an understanding of the mind few humans would have. She touched on, without getting into too much depth at all in this interview, the reality of this unified field of consciousness that so many people are attempting to understand now. Unlike in other Buddhist sects, yogis and yoga are very much a part of her nunnery.  

I want to know about her understanding of this world and the world beyond that we just don't know enough about. That is why I experiment with kooky things like Remote Viewing...which definitely transcends the ordinary.  I would like to view such things with the level of calm and almost natural acceptance she does. 

If you are in a state of open awareness, then whatever appears is simply what is appearing at that point... It really isn't much different.

And what could be appearing at any point, I wonder.

...Even though one cannot see them one is surrounded by very positive energy which in the Mahaya is seen as buddhas and bodhisattvas. That positive energy that is in and from the universe is all around us...

This very interesting and evolved human might have  lot to teach us. Her biography is entitled, Cave in the Snow.

All is well.

Jetsunma Tenzin Palma/ Clear Mountain Monastry (December 27, 2023) Solitary Refinement: How Twelve Years in a Cave Can Change the World. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvHIZJ7psdE

A Remote Viewing Experience

 

To be in the sense means to know, and to know is to add energy to energy, life to life, love to love. such is the way of the universe.

Michael Random (as quoted by Joseph McMoneagle in Remote Viewing Secrets)

I tried my hand at Remote Viewing again today, for the first time in a very long time. This is what happened:

Remote viewing practice:

Target one from randomly automated target pool

After all my scribbling, and sensory data observation I came up with a lot of data but the strongest impression was of these wavelike shapes that take up most of the scene. I later see them under big fluffy clouds. I wrote "wave-like" down more than once. I sketched several pics of them.I make the assumption in my summary that what I am seeing is a close up of "waves" or wave like structures under big fluffy clouds that I am seeing. I am thinking and writing "Is this water?" I assume it is water but I also found myself making a series of dots on the paper, and I thought and wrote "sand"? I think my mind might have been  connecting sand to a beach around water. I felt and wrote "soft" several times. What is clear is there are waves and clouds taking up most of the picture. Not much else.

Validation: Picture that came up with this target was way off...no validation... totally off

Target Two results;

Many things came up but the one recurring thing was this loopy connected and repeated pattern. It was prevalent in everything I saw, squibbled, sketched... so I knew it was significant. I also had the sense that the light was off...indicating a filter or dusk..."Ponytail" came to me so I wrote that down...wrote down "smile". Had a sense of something "prickly". Also had the sense of, and I wrote it down several times, "repeating pattern". Suddenly the loopy things made sense to me "arabic writing" and something came in and  I wrote down "arabic woman standing alone in dark clothing"

Validation: none ...picture totally off

Target three:

Many things came up or through whatever that is...but what was the clearest and most sticky was this shape like a globe of Earth I found myself drawing...messy, blurry like it is far away. So, I wrote down "Earth"...and then immediately I felt "space" and wrote "space".  Had this feeling of being so alone...wrote "distant"  "alone". Then I saw this shape like a rocky precipice...I drew it and I wrote down "rock... there is rock in this picture". I also had a very strong image of a human knee?  I also saw and felt a rim of orange light on the left side of the picture. I wrote "orange light on my left side". Had this image of a Goethe lady in black...not sure she belonged there but I wrote it down.

Validation: none ...totally off. 

Failure?

There were two other target practices and I was off with them as well. I was feeling pretty defeated until I realized there was an image in the collection of these five images related to the targets that fit Target one beautifully...just as I described it..an image of just waves and fluffy clouds taking up the whole screen...it was sand not water though...soft... it was the image I kept drawing over and over. It just didn't fit the target number.

Then I noticed amongst the pictures attached to another target number practice I did, was an astronaut  standing alone on the moon. Could see the moon rock so clearly around him. There was this big rim of orange light on my left side of the picture. That matched what I found for another target number perfectly.

And the final picture was a woman standing alone over a prickly barbed wired fence looking at a mosque like building in the distance. It was dusk and she was silhouetted. She was dressed in dark clothing. Her head was covered so I couldn't see if she had a ponytail and her back was turned to the camera so I couldn't tell if she was smiling...my guess is she did and was. 

At these realizations, I jumped out of my seat and ran to tell D.  I was so floored by these crazy coincidental findings. I had to show someone else the evidence. When he concurred that it was too substantial to be coincidence, I had to do some research to find out if this mixed up target practice often happens with remote viewing with online targets...and it does, especially if we are using a big data pool like I was doing and if we are not clearing ourselves between viewings. I was just going boom...boom...boom, one after the other.

The explanations I received...and I know nothing about how or why this happens...so I cannot validate these explanations...is that there is sometype of "feedback-loop displacement and subquential bleed through" going on.  My subconscious is basically all mixed up when it is in there ( wherever 'there' is... where this information is stored). It is picking up information from other target numbers instead of the one it was assigned, and it is also jumping ahead to the information for the targets coming after the one I am working on. I am getting it right...but not in sync with linear time. 

What crazy lady? You expect us to believe that you not only remote viewed but you actually crossed the time space barrier?

Okay, it all seems so totally bizarre and unbelievable. I am not sure if it matters if you believe me or not.  I am not even sure if I believe what happened.  I certainly can't explain it...other than...three clear descriptions of data that was collected from some place in my mind, and then drawn, scribbled, written down, matched, somewhat randomly, but quite perfectly, a picture in a subset of five targets. These pictures from this data pool could have been absolutely anything and there are thousands and thousands of possibilities.  Yet, out of the five randomly selected targets...there were details that matched three of them. The details were astounding. ...absolutely astounding!!! That is not coincidence. There really is something to this!

At the same time...I know I have to be careful. Ego, always trying to feel "special" , is trying to convince me that I have some special gift because this happened to this human, that this "me" was especially chosen to experience this "kooky science at a distance" that so few of us experience. Truth is, I didn't do anything special. I just put an intention out there, "Well I hope so and so calls and lets me know what is going on."  And I waited by the phone for them to call. I am really not doing aything...I am just answering the phone when consciousness calls with the information. Every single one of us can answer a phone, can't we?

The next step is being willing to put in the effort to truly listen and hear what is being said. Consciousness doesn't talk loud. Its voice is pretty mumbled and hard to hear. Sometimes It speaks in a  different language all together and one has to scramble to translate. And there is so much other noise coming into the conversation too making it hard to decipher what is important and what isn't. Have to keep asking, "Is that noise on my end or the other? Is that static or something I need to hear?" Sometimes it is easier to video call with consciousness...to see  the gestures and symbols it uses to reinforce the message and make it clearer.  Still not real clear, though. Connection can get fuzzy there. Consciousness is not always the best artist or photographer either. You just get these glimpses that do not seem to make sense. It is confusing.

I am still very much at the point where I am wondering if the glimpses I get are just my imagination or something from someplace other than this "me". It is still very hard to tell. It is hard not to pass all this off as coincidence.  At the end of  most of these conversations that take place in this practice I am so convinced that I never got anything from it...that I misunderstood the message completely....that my imagination is just making it all up. Like I did after each session today when nothing matched.

 "This doesn't work," I told myself. "and even if it did work why did I think it would work for me?"

And then when you realize they did or do match...that there is something to this. Wow! Your idea of reality changes. Your idea of what is possible for this human mind just expands tenfold. It is the most amazing feeling. Consciousness is not limited to matter...it is omnipresent, omniscient, and omnipotent. When you personally tap into the truth of that. mind blowing! I am still more than a little blown away by it. And my rational mind wants to dismiss and discount it, because this "tapping-in thing" doesn't make sense to it. I am still very much a skeptic. Maybe a healthy dose of skepticism is needed here.

At the same time, it is pretty cool, especially for the ego that says, "Look at what we can do!" or worse, "Look at what I can do!"  I think it is very, very important not to let ego get involved in this type of experimenting. This is not a magic trick for ego to inflate itself with. What happens here doesn't make the person who taps in and is actually able to understand some of what they were told, special. There is no room for ego in this. Whatever this is, is too precious to allow for any ego contamination. It is a gift to use wisely and with the purest of intentions. 

And this is a gift we all have! Believe me, if the likes of me can do it...anyone can.  Just pick up the phone the next time consciousness calls and find out for yourself.

All is well

Joseph McMoneagle (2000) Remote Viewing Secrets: A Handbook. Crossroad Press

Untying Knots

 

We learn the rope of life by untying its knots.

Jean Toomer

I knit..albeit not perfectly...as the tangled up mess in the yarn I am using to knit my grandaughter a sweater shows. I pulled the wrong strand out from the center of the skein and began working with that. When you do that the working strand gets all tangled up with the end strand and boom...you got a mess. I spent three hours yesterday evening trying to untangle these knots so I could go on knitting. I watched myself as I was untangling and was like, "Wow...my life practice is really working." 

I sat there for three hours with a smile on my face, patiently tracing the yarn through one tangled knot to another, very, very slowly and painstakenly unravelling the mess I made.  I wasn't complaining to myself or others. I wasn't thinking or saying, "Oh this shouldn't be. What a waste of time and energy. I'm supposed to be knitting, not untangling." Nope...I just sat there patiently unravelling the mess that was before me as if it was simply a life event I was given to deal with. I was dealing.  

I realised it was my mess, I made it, no one else. I didn't waste time blaming the cat. It wasn't the cats' fault though they like to swat at my yarn. I didn't waste time blaming the quality of the yarn.  It wasn't the yarn's fault. I made the mess...no one or nothing else. I made an unskillful choice and I ended up with the mess, therefore it was my responsibility to clean it up.  At the same time, I didn't blame myself or beat myself up for that little error in judgement. I just learned from it, teling myself I will do better next time.

I did think during it all about a short cut I could take. I could cut the tangle out and rejoin the ends in  a lil knot...but something would not let me do that ( I may at some point do that) but there was something about this untangling that had a lot of symbolic meaning for me . It was like I was untangling my samskaras, the knots within me and cleaning up the mess. It is a slow and painful process getting through one little tangle after the other...but a very necessary one if we want the freedom to create the Life these untangled strands of life energy will give us. If I were to cut...it would almost be like "spiritually bypassing". I reminded myself that the only way out is through. So, I kept on working my way  through the tangles.

Everytime I got through a patch of knots and the yarn loosened significantly, I felt myself getting lighter, happier. It was crazy. I realize now that I actually see myself getting through the samksaras within and that I am releasing them...one knot at a time.

So cool!

All is well!

Samskaras Related to Writing

 All these self sabotaging techniques gradually disappear if you apply awareness to them, observe them. 

Eckhart Tolle

I was exploring the possibility that I was self sabotaging when it comes to my writing. A very wise person brought awareness of this possible tendency to my attention and it surprised me. I was also, that very same day, questioning the true motivation behind why I asked a loved one to read one of my manuscripts. I realized there were several underlying factors at play besides, "Can you tell me what I can do to improve this?"

 I guess I was sensing something was up in my approach...not so much to the writing itself (that remains pure and natural)... but when it comes to showing my work, submitting, and getting it out there so others can read it. I have many unpublished manuscripts and independently published books- that I had worked very hard on; that I thought were good; and that I had written with the intention of helping others, collecting dust on my bookshelves. Why? Why does it stop there for me? I was convincing  myself, that I wasn't meant to be read by many while I was alive, maybe post humously, but not while living ...that obscurity was my plight...that if the universe really wanted what I wrote out there, that it would take care of it...I just had to write what needed to be written and the universe would take care of the rest....that by not putting a lot of effort into the post-writing stage of this process ...into promoting and showing my work...I was simply expressing that I wasn't attached to outcomes etc. 

Is that the truth?

Of course, this stalling and getting stuck prior to significant readership, was happening because it was a self sabotaging technique I was not aware of having. Now, I want to shed light on it. Explore that possibility. Look deeply into it. Bear with me. I am convinced though that much of this can be relatable to others. 

I write usually with the intention of bringing something of value into the world. I want to serve, I want to give, I want to help...that is all true...but there is also a big part of me that wants to express herself through this artform...I am more myself when I am writing than I am anywhere else. It is my playground where I get to say and be who I am. I feel free when I am writing. (Well, as long as no one else is reading it...as soon as a reader comes to mind, things change.)  

So, what has that got to do with why you self sabotage the chances to be read? 

Well, like many of you likely did as well, I perceived, that I was not allowed to be "me" as a child. I was not allowed to be and express myself freely. I often got shamed, shunned, ridiculed, and even punished when I was happily expressing my most authentic beingness. (This, I am sure, is what many who grew up in the culture I grew up in experienced.) 

Growing up (before the programming took hold) I saw beauty everywhere. The world seemed like one big, beautiful playground to explore. Everything was "poetic". It was fun; it was exciting; I loved people...I loved it all. And it also terrified me. I never felt safe being "me" in it. I, in my truest form, was so different than the other kids around me. Much more sensitive and emotional, much more introspective, connected to things others could not see or understand (that I could not see or understand), and inquisitive to the point of being extremely annoying. My siblings and friends thought I was "weird", "strange", " a sulk". They unknowingly convinced me that because I asked so many stupid questions that I was stupid. I owned that, growing up believing they were right. That there was something wrong with my true self. I wanted so badly for this "me" to be seen, heard, accepted, and loved but the more "me" I was the more I got the opposite of what I thought I needed. So, I learned very early on to do what others wanted me to do, to say what others wanted me to say, to be what others wanted me to be. Sound familiar to anyone? (This, I believe, is a very common conditioning response in the formation of our personalities.) I stuffed "me" away...but... she came out when I wrote.

When I was in grade five one of the stories I had written for creative writing class and got to be myself in, got read out loud to the whole class. I actually got praised for this expression of "me". It felt so good. This "me" was seen, heard, validated, accepted. She wasn't "weird", "strange", "sulky" or "stupid"...she was a writer! It happened again and again whenever I wrote for school. I even had a grade nine teacher tell me that she expected to see my name on the best seller list someday. That cemented it for me: As long as others thought I could write, I would be okay. Writing gave this true "prior-to-personality -development me" worth and value, in a world where she felt shamed and devalued. As long as I could write well enough for people to praise my work, I had value in this social pack.

So, as the years went on the "idea of writing" became my redemption. When I screwed up in math class as I often did, I would remind myself that I could write. If the people pointing out my inadequacies in any area could see how I was with words, I would tell myself, then maybe that would redeem me in their eyes. When I got rejected or ridiculed for whatever reason, I would say to myself, "just wait until they read my best seller, then they will squirm for having said or done that." Or, when I felt misunderstood, as I often did, I would soothe myself by saying..."They will understand me and accept me when they read that great work I am going to write. My gift with words will show people someday that this "me" is good and okay."

I became very attached to the "idea of writing" and what it could give this "me" in the future. So, though I still write mostly for the sake of writing and expressing my "beautiful" authentic self that is truly independent of the need for other's approval...this child seeking to redeem herself through writing still lingers around, determining how I show my work. This child still has the unspoken request whenever I open up my writing to others, "Please tell me I can write." Why? "So, I know I have value." 

So, what happens if someone doesn't like what you have written or doesn't think you are a good writer?

Hmm! That's the problem, isn't it? Of course, not everyone is going to like my style of writing or what I write. The writer within me who writes for the sake of writing is okay with that...expects that...sends her work out on occasion knowing that...But that child in me isn't okay with that. She is still seeking to be seen. She is still seeking to be validated and accepted for who she is.  She still believes that her value to this pack called "society" comes from approval for her writing. If she shows this true expression of who she is to others and they say, "Nah! Don't like that. Don't want to read that!" she will hear, "Nah! Don't like you! Don't want you in this pack! You never belonged then and you don't belong now. " 

That is why I go back to those who were around during the time this denial of "me" began, who were in the same conditioning group I was in, who might of even innocently believed I was "weird, strange, stupid" back then...to read what I want to pass on to the world.  They are the test screen my writing must get through. I mistakenly assume that if they say, "Oh you can write!", it will erase what I have come to believe about this "me". It will make it okay to be me as a writer and as a person...it will be safe. And I can then open myself up to the world. I will begin to do what I need to do to get my work out there. I will begin to do what I need to do to openly be my authentic self."

If they hum and haw, with the purest and best of intentions, to protect and help me...and tell me that "Maybe this isn't ready to show the public yet" (remember...they have the same conditioning in them that I have in terms of, "This is what you show the world and this is what you don't and it has to be really, really good before it is safe for you to send it out there." ... the child will only hear what she heard back then, "Weird, strange, sulky, stupid etc. " I close up. How does that look? The books go on the shelf, and I reprimand myself for being weird, strange, stupid enough to think I had a right to express myself in that way. Thank God, they stopped me before I showed this "me" to the world...again!" 

Now, my loved ones have nothing but the purest intentions...to help me. They have no idea of this broken little child in me and what she is looking for when she asks them to read something. They won't remember what they may have said fifty some years ago and how it impacted me.  We were children for goodness sake.  Heck...I barely remember anything from childhood, just glimpses of this or that. I had no idea of this child still lingering around in my psyche until yesterday...and it was like "What the Front Door!" I immediately emailed the person reading one of my manuscripts and explained that what I was asking her to do was related to an unhealthy tendency in me that I am looking into breaking. ...she could abandon her mission.

So, why did all this come up now? 

Because I am openly willing to release the samskaras that are holding me back from living life to the fullest, which will include for this human...writing to the fullest. This was a big one...memories came back, the awareness of this child came back and here I am. Watching, observing as this big samskara comes up to be heard and understood before it takes the next train out of here. 

Do you think you will publish or promote those books on your shelf now?

I don't know. I may. But I think the real break through here is in the clearing away of a samskara that was holding me back from being who I am. So cool!

All is well in my world. 

Going Up?

 

Spiritual evolution is survival of the fittest- those who can handle anything

Michael A. Singer

Learn to handle everything without pushing down or away and you will stop creating the imprints and impressions, the tendencies known as samskaras. You will stop preferring and resisting. If you do that, you will stop closing. If you stop closing, you will stay open long enough for the old samskaras to be released. You will be purified. If you are purified...the channels for Shakti to flow will be clear. Shakti will flow up and you will be taken upward with it to permanent states of peace, joy, bliss, and love.

When you are not being pulled down, the natural ascent upward will start. 

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe/ Sounds True (July 27, 2026) From Ego to Divine Consciousness https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbjy1e3FcUc

The Desires of the Lingering Self

 "Bright, loud, and mobile is the false. Subtle and indistinct is the true." 

Ajanh Amaro

I do not wish to live in the false. I wish to live in truth, even if it means being indistinct. 

I listened to Ajahn Nisabho answer a question about what happens when we get too attached to our world pursuits in hope of becoming distinct...like writing a book, for example. 

When attached to outcomes, say very slowly, "When I finish this book, I will be very happy forever."

Well, of course, I see how ridiclous that statement is. Yet, it is very applicable to 'my' life right now. (Well, to this human's little experience of life). I am struggling over this book I committed myself to finish.  I think it is such an important book in the sense it offers some wonderful life healing and hard-earned wisdom. As I am writing, rewriting, writing, rewriting...getting stuck...finding some release only to get stuck again...I find out, a book very similar to this intention has already been done and recently published by Michael Singer. Part of my commitment, as well as my jaw, just dropped to the ground for all kinds of reasons. (Besides being floored, once again, over how our minds seem to be so connected to the same thought waves.) 

How on earth is an obscure author like this "me" going to compete with the likes of Michael Singer? There is only so much limited space out there on that platform to begin with and only the best and the worthy will be able to stand on it next to him. There will be no room for this obscure little human that I am.  I put so much time and energy into this but I don't seem to be getting anywhere anyway...maybe that's a sign I should abandon this mission. This human may not be worthy of it.It ight be a waste of time.

 That is the thought stream I observed in this mind. So, when I sat down to listen to yesterday's podcast, that question came up (another piece of undeniable synchronicity) and I immediately began to practice saying over and over:

When I finish this book, I will be happy forever.

When I finish this book, I will be happy forever.

When I finish this book, I will be happy forever. 

Of course, I know happiness is not dependent on the finishing of this book.  Nor is it dependent on what I assume are the outcomes of a finished book: Notoriety or obscurity...doesn't matter. 

I see two intentions behind this endeavour...one wholesome, one not so wholesome. One spurred on by "little self",  and one spurred on by "Greater Self". Little self, which is very much still in me (the subtle sense of lingering self remains) is still longing to be lifted from obscurity and scarcity as if that will bring happiness. Greater Self knows that it won't. Little self is still trying to convince me that the outcomes of finishing this book will bring happiness, while Greater Self is telling me to simply write the book for healing purposes and share it so at least one other may find the direction for healing, they too may need. When I found myself in the above thought stream, I realized once again that ego was still very much attempting to take over this mission. 

Even this downward spiral of thought into this human's sense of unworthiness to write and speak that which someone who is already known has written and spoken about ...was ego doing what ego does. I was circling around myself. 

 Self flagellation a sense of narcissism, a sense of circling around one self is unwholesome selfing

What can this small, insignificant human through the writing and thus the completion of this book give of value and meaning to the world?

Not worldly stuff that would ever satisfy theattachments of little self in this human and in others. 

Milarepa: the wise Tibetan yogi said...."all worldly pursuits have but one inevitable end, which is sorrow. Meetings end in partings, acquisitions in dispersions, buildings in destruction, birth in death. Knowing this, one should from the very start renounce meeting, building and acquiring. And faithful to the demands of an eminent teacher, go about realizing the truth which has no birth or no death. This alone is the best science.

All these things ego wants from this writing endeavor will not last or satisfy for long. 

Be weary of gain, honor and praise...[They keep us stuck in self] [All these things] "will be ripped away"...these [things] are impermanent.

This endeavor, however, can serve the Greater Self. What the writing of this book  can offer is a very healing truth, a truth that does not come from this little me but from something much greater, that Singer has already tapped into. I do not need to stand on teh platform beside him. The platform I stand on will likley be of much smaller scale and grandeur. That's okay. We are not competing...simply sharing that universal Source of wisdom. There can never be enough expressions of truth, can there be? Even if the expression that comes from this little human remains subtle and indistinct. 

I will not abandon this mission. I will finish this book knowing that it was never meant to make this "me" happy forever. That happiness is already within, whether I write this book or not.

All is well.

Clear Mountain Monastry (April?,202) The Wing Span of Humility. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpS6CaBZxMg

On Annata

 

Anatta is not nothing. It is somehow the photographic negative of how we look at the world, the trees of light between the trees, the cracks between the people, the moments of silence and quiet between those moments of vibrating heat and the majesty that is hidden in them.

Ajahn Nisabho

The following are gems of wisdom gained from listening to this humble being speak so beautifully this morning:

[Practice] is the daily following of something quiet and you have to be quiet to follow it.

"I am this"...the self forms in the shadow of Self

[Even when we advance in the practice] the subtle sense of lingering self remains

Self flagellation a sense of narcissim, a sense of circling around one self...unwholesome selfing

Problems are not solved, they dissolve

Anatta = no self

An empty of self =full of reality, full of life, full of light

[Take]one more step in dissappearing

nivata= without wind= humility= without self

'self' forms in the shadow of craving

Be weary of gain, honor and praise...(keep us stuck in self) "will be ripped away"...these are impermanent

Do not wish gain, honor, and praise on anyone

Milarepa: tibetan yogi...."a worldly pursuits have but one inevitable end, which is sorrow. Meetings end in partings, acquisitions in dispersions, buildings in destruction, birth in death. Knowing this, one should from the very start renounce meeting, building and acquiring. And faithful to the demands of an emminent teacher, go about realizing the truth which has no birth or no death. This alone is the best science.

The less well known, the greater the angel..Christian saying

There is pride in not being despised...

Mara controls that wanting to be seen when we give...

Not being seen magnifies karma

Try one unnaminous act of kindness a day

"Bright loud and mobile is the false.Subtle and indistinct is the true." Anja Amaro

Remove self from praise...whatever good you do and are praised for, acknowledge that the gift you gave was given from another to you...

Say, when attached to outcomes, very slowly, "When I finish this book I will be ver happy forever"

What you don't acknowledge becomes your destiny...Carl Jung

All is well

Clear Mountain Monastry (April?,202) The Wing Span of Humility. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpS6CaBZxMg

Peace of Mind and Coincidence

 Set peace of mind as your highest goal, and organize your life around it. 

Brain Tracy

I want to write about two things this morning. Firtsly, I want to write about that which I was intending to write since I returned home last evening after a birthday celebration: about a question asked of me and how I answered. And secondly, about the crazy nature of entanglement observed in serendipity- "spooky action at a distance" as Einstein had called it. 

Last night I was asked, "Now on your birthday...what do you wish for going forward?" That is a fairly common question asked to people on birthdays. I thought about it and was about to answer something to the effect..."To finish this book on Samskara Release" (something I incidently just found out Michael Singer already wrote and published with his third book, much to my surprise)"and to start sharing what I learnt about it...to get back out there speaking. " 

And then something stopped me. I heard a little internal voice say..."Is that what a woke person would ask for? What do you assume doing this will give you? What do you really, really want that is not as temporary or fleeting as this? 

I answered with confidence and sureness, "I want peace of mind." 

That led to  "Come on...what do you really want?   Money? Success?  Or ...like what do you want for each of us? Say for him", while pointing to my brother in law, "Good health? Do you wish him and yourself good health?"

I answered, "Sure...I would love for everyone to be well but if everyone had true peace of mind, it wouldn't matter what their bodies were doing or not doing."

Well, that led to a big discussion on what is more important ...peace of mind or physical health etc. ...That is, until everyone got bored with my repeated answers and moved on. 

I do believe a tamed mind is the answer for everything.

Anyway, as I sat down to write about this question/answer today and before I opened "New Post" I did a quick search of stats to see what was recently read and I came across an entry witten two years ago, after I got this same question asked of me at my then birthday party. My answer then was the same one I gave last night. Now, let's put this in perspective: Not only did I get the same question at two different birthday parties (which is likely to happen), that was answered in the exact same way ...but....out of the possible 4000 entries that a reader could possibly open and read from this site, one of the 12 entries chosen in the last 24 hours...seemingly randomly ...was the one that included this same topic I sat down to write about this morning, about this same question and answerthat I shared after a birthday party. (see July 29th, 2024 entry).

My first thought, was "Oh my...cool...serendipity...entanglement. Must write about that." As I went on to check the read entries, I came across another entry that was read in the last 24 on "entanglement."

That to me, is a little bit too kooky to be coincidental. 

All is well. 

Does the Intent to Purify Body, Speech and Mind Make Me a Buddhist?

 

And a Buddhist is someone who speaks in ways that are harmless, gentle, skillful. They  act in  ways that are harmless, skillful, beneficial. And they think and conduct their minds in ways which are harmless and beneficial....purifying body, speech, and mind.

Ajahn Kovilo

 I no longer consider myself a Christian in the way I was brought up to consider myself (Catholic) though I find such beautiful practical wisdom in Christ's teachings and do my best to adhere and live by them. Though I may loosely refer to myself as a yogi because I study and practice yoga in all its forms, I really do not consider myself a yogi. Still, I do my best to adhere and live in what I am learning from this practice. I don't consider myself a Taoist though I have studied the Toa Te Ching in great depth and practice QiGong and Tai Chi everyday. I try to live by that wisdom shared by Loa Tzu.

And...I don't consider myself a Buddhist... though I love and do my best to adhere to the dharma because I find such beautiful practical wisdom in it. It resonates so much within me. I also seek to purify body, speech and mind. Purification is my major goal in Life these days and I pick and choose from both the Buddhist and the Yogic path as I journey towards healing and freedom. I do my best to speak in ways that are harmless, gentle, and skillful. I try to act in ways that are harmless, gentle, and beneficial. (In yogic terms, I seek to serve the moment, the world, and other beings as well as the Higher Self). And I seek to think in wholesome ways, attempting to train the mind  while I watch it and learn from its unwholesome tendencies. My practice is all about going forth from bad habits to good habits which is also the mandate for "Sin no more" in Christianity...and the mandate for wholesome skillful karma in the others. 

I love the dharma and I love listening to dharma teachers share these beautiful and very, very practical teachings from the Buddha. I get sucked right in to some crazy type of "familiarity" with it. It all makes such perfect sense to me...yet I do not call myself a Buddhist. I personally don't want to label myself as  anything actually. 

I do in many ways follow the five precepts of Buddhism. I try to refrain from taking the lives of any living thing. People think I am crazy that I do not kill spiders, flies or ants and protest loudly when others are about to. Not because I see self as a Buddhist but because it just feels so wrong to my mind and my being to take the life of another being away or even harm. I do my best not to take anything from others unless it is given to me. I refrain from all forms of sexual misconduct. I do my best to refrain from lying. I am considered a very honest person. (Though I know I could strive to be even more honest.) I refrain a great deal from intoxicants...though I do drink tea and coffee and I will have a glass of wine on occassion. (Tonight I plan on having a glass when I celebrate my birthday.) But I truly see the unwholesome reasons why many humans partake and abuse substances (including this one) and how that use can interfere with higher goals. (Even knowing that, I will still have a glass of wine so I am obviousl not a true buddhist.). 

I meditate regulary and practice mindfulness, equanimity- the  acceptance of Life as it is. I also try to train my mind in the bliss of seclusion. I love my solitude,

Anyway. in so many ways I appear to be a practicing Buddhist, without labelling myself as such.

So, what does that mean? Can I still learn and practice what I am learning from this path if I am not a Buddhist?  

I hope so. Missing the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh from Plum Village, I ran into another podcast commnity...Clear Mountain Monastry. These teachings are actually from the Theravada tradition (The way of the Elders). One of the oldest (3 centuries BCE)  and most structured schools of Buddhism with "strict" rules and regulations. Its teaching are preseved in the Pali Canon. Both Thich Nhat Hanh and the Dalai Lama, on the other hand, were/are of the Mahayan school, originating in 1 century BCE.

Anyway, this podcast touched my heart and made me ask the question: Do I want to label myself and commit to being a practicing Buddhist?

The answer: Not yet. I still, find great wisdom, grace, and strength from many other religions, and fields of thought...so I would rather keep seeing the one unifyng nature of all of them as I pursue this path. 

Does that make sense?

All is well!

Clear Mountain Monastry Project (January, 2026) "Why We're Not a Cult" or "Going Forth"...https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tejAh-56S7Q&t=5s.

All in the Perspective.

Look up; not down!

A few days ago  I wrote a poem through a mental perspective of feeling stuck.  (See "Heavy" from July 19th)The poem radiated a certain negative focus downward. I, as the poet was purposefully focusing on the negative.  

Our lives are determined by our perspectives. I took that very same poem and reworded it using a different poetic perception ( as Thoreau calls it).  I felt so different simply writing it and reading it in a positive way. So much more lightness, peace, light, and joy can be found through this perspective.  It reminded me of how much power is in our perception.  We get to choose how we perceive and express what we are perceiving in this life. We get to choose if we will focus down or up. This perception will determine the quality of our days. Up is definitely the way to go. So cool!!

 

Light...

I open eyes 

to a purring cat on my hip, quick and determined claws

kneading biscuits in the abundance that has become my body.

Familiar and energetic twins ...also greet me: Smile on face...and mind, 

a calm and grateful tool that refuses to look down..

I wake up.

 

I slip from the bed.

Limbs experiencing the many aspects of sensation...

Expressing love for all who are suffering, my feet kiss the earth.

And the intention to help, meta kindness, fills my calves with purpose

I stand.

 

I step down.

The earth is solid and steady beneath my feet.

The awareness of the world's suffering, lifts me with compassion into the morning

 Toes and tendons, molded by life’s many ups and downs offer testament to time that has passed

As they curl forward in appreciation for all that was given including the gift of motherhood.

I ground into solidity.

 

I uncurl.

The body’s sweet noises like the soft rustle of breeze against aging leaves,

 lovely musical notes that come with being alive, escape from joints.

Bone supported by bone, the sturdy leaning on the strong

body and life sharing moisture, softness, the precious lubrication of joy .

I straighten.

 

 I stretch

Various sensations, some pleasant, some not ...tease and dance...playing with muscles

Awakening aging sinew as limbs are lengthened

I do not stamp out the unpleasant. I wrap my arms around it.

The cramping, another whispered Hail Mary 

added to the gratitude list I have long ago kneeled to write ,

I welcome all sensations.

 

I move.

Neck down, Shoulders curled forward in reverence to gravity...a gift they willingly carry

Body slowly and gracefully moves with  it, into this precious dash of life I have been given.

The draft ...created by this illusion of disconnect and aloneness the empty space creates

Is blown away by the wind of his breath behind me, reminding me of my own

creating lift under my arms. Shoulders move to ears.

I am propelled like one of the many soft and floaty things carried by the breeze

 over the mound of abundance that grows and multiplies beneath me,

and through the door.

I softly sway.

 

I move into another room, another day.

Warmth in chest, I breathe; Lightness of mind, no need to think

Gravity’s chosen pawn.  Like a shuffleboard puck, I am playfully slid from one task to another.

Flowing with the force above me, I lift arms like water. I do what I get to do.

Flush toilets, run hands under taps, fill bowls, make coffee

sit to write something of meaning...opening to the empty page

bring cup to lips, use fingers and compassionate heart to answer the human calls for help,

Write, 2000 words ...words with depth, words with meaning like the sincere "good morning" I offer.

Put away dishes, sweep the floors...rejoicing in being able to pick up broom

tapping, tapping, tapping fill remaining pages of chapter with something...anything...nothing...it doesn’t matter

Arms tremble with delight under the stream of hope and expectation the morning light from window offers.

Its reality brings tears of joy to my eyes. I bow my head in reverence.

I slip into any opportunity to serve I can find.

 

I serve

Light with joy. One of the many beings under gravity’s guiding palms 

I slip like a breath of air from one giving activity to another,

From one lovely smiling face to another, 

from one more thing I can give away to another,  

taking nothing of it seriously, I go from

 laughing and playing with reckless abandonment

to the listening truths offered by wise teachers

Moving all parts of body as one unified serving machine

While going nowhere, doing nothing but breathing

Into a body and soul that no longer needs to cry out to be heard.

I am free

 

I sigh

Clocks ticking patiently in background,

Life’s many noises and humanity’s many words entering the silence

Without disturbing the meaningful watching and noticing of life,

a comfortable and healing practice that takes over the day

uplifting any weighted heart, unveiling any clouded mind.

I sigh

 

I watch as time passes

Morning becomes dusk. When dark enough, I make my way back to bed

Body still light, supple, carrying the energy of life and the stream of morning light in every cell.

Head softly rests on pillow...waiting ...for cat with happy claws to remind this human,

once again that it can feel what it is like to be alive.

Smile on face. Mind, free of anything that does not serve.

I close my eyes.

All is well!

Addressing Fear and Its Little Friends

 I hear you. I understand your concern, and your comments are valid; but I have decided to ignore them.

I was sitting outside this morning listening not only to the amazing choir of bird song and wind around me, but to the wisdom of a Buddhist monk from "ClearMountain Monastry"...who I incidently tapped into on  search for morning wisdom. 

He, amongst other things, spoke about fear, what it was, and how we should deal with it. Fear of course, is a form of aversion...a human reaction belonging to the Second Noble Truth of Buddhism ( The cause for suffering...of course is desire...but aversion is the counter of desire leading to the same effect on our psyches and lives in the long run). Averson is resistance to what is. Fear creates great resistance to what is.  It creates a lot of our "Oh No! " moments. 

Now, fear has many faces or degrees.  It can present itself as down right panic or it can present itself in the form of one of its many friends...anxiety or worry. The problem with fear is not the physiological or psychological nature of it...but how the mind gets so convinced that it is telling us the truth. How the mind gets convinced that the podium, for example, is like the mother lion about to eat us a live, or how all those "what ifs" that come with anxiety and worry are gold standard truths.  In fact, as the speaker in the below video states..."Fear is a liar"...and instead of listening, following its pull...we can simply confront it...and kindly and respectly say to it.

"I see you, Fear. I hear you. I understand your concern, and your comments are valid; but I have decided to ignore them."

Let's try addressing fear and its lil friends that way the next time they show up in our lives. 

All is well

Clear Mountain Monastry (July 23, 2026) I Hear You and You're Wrong....(sorry can't find the url on this computer)

Give Me the Obscure Life?

Give me the obscure life - the cottage of the poor and humble - the work days of the world - the barren fields - the smallest share of all things except poetic perception.

Henry David Thoreau

I don't openly seek obscurity as Thoreau had done but I seem to be finding it. 

Whatever I do here I do, hopefully, for higher reasons than becoing 'known'...possibly for some form of expanding poetic perception, though I am not sure if this poetic perception is reaching anyone. Blog page stats are showing readersin the thousands.  The stats have never been trustworthy and always showed way too many readers in comparison to what Google analytics picks up. Lately, however, even worse. I noticed over 3 k a day on certain entries that are really not that great. Even the low numbers on analytics show many more readers than those who are actually engaging. Most of the so called "readers" there are showing 0 engagement. 

Atlas, this blog is as obscure as Thoreau's cabin in the woods was, as obscure as he remained until after death. Sometimes, I feel like this blog and I as a writer are receiving a small share of the things Life has to offer, if not the smallest. I believe the more obscure this becomes, the more it picks up scrapers and bot activity. In short, in this obscurity, I have absolutely no idea who, if anyone out there, is reading this. Hmmm! The reasonable person would probably say, "Why bother then?" But the unexplained compulsion within me says, "Keep going!" 

I can't tell you why, then, why I do what I do. It can't be for ego, if ego isn't getting what typical ego's need...to be seen, heard, validated etc...unless shamer ego is getting something from it - "See, there is a reason for my shame. " 

If a higher Self feels a need to serve, share, offer doesn't it need someone to give, serve, share and offer to? I guess that someone doesn't need to be outside this Self, does it? I am serving Self by being here regardless of the outcome.... regardless if I remain poor and humble while my fields remain barren for the rest of my days. Maybe someday, I will find the joy and peace in obscurity, as Thoreau had done. 

All is well

Tanha

First Noble Truth: Suffering exists. 

Second Noble Truth: There is a cause for suffering. 

Tanha [craving,desire,grasping, clinging, preference] is the cause.

The Buddha

No matter what you do. No matter how you try to pretend otherwise...suffering exists. Pain is a natural and necessary part of this life experience. Though Life is filled with ten thousand joys, it needs to be contrasted with 10,000 sorrows. The joy and the pain balance each other out. 

Denial, pretending, running from, selectively choosing what you will consciously accept as reality...does not change reality. Life is as it is; it is as it is.The more resistant you are to the contrasts that do not feel comfortable to your inner experience of living, the less open you are to reality; the less open you will be the the full experience of Life. This is suffering.

Tanha...the craving we have for certain things (joy) at the exclusion of their opposite (sorrow) creates suffering.

So, instead of resisting and saying "No! I will not accept that into 'm' reality!" when something we judge as "bad, wrong, shouldn't be" shows up, which leads to soul crushing resistance in the form of repression and suppression, we need to....

Relax in the face of discomfort.

Honor its right to exist and let it pass through.

All is well.

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe/ Sounds True (July 20. 2026) The Mind is a Voice of the Heart. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_cDau9yNf0

Love and Samskaras in Relationships

 Love gives not but itself, and takes not but from itself. 

Kahil Gibran, The Prophet

If our relationships are really never about the other person, but all about whether or not our samskaras are opening us or closing us...we should, then, be happy in any relationship we are in?  The goal then is to stay open, not to find the perfect love match or friend? Is that what it means? 

As the quote above implies, Love doesn't come from the other person, it comes from us and our state of openness to that inner flow within us. If we are attracted to someone...it isn't them or anything really about them. They just happen to match the "good" stuff inside us...the expectations on our "must have " lists, the positive stuff (memories, very pleasant emotional experiences) we have stored away in hope of reliving, the  samskaras  that lead to an open flow of shakti. We are simply opening to the flow of love when they match our samskaras by something they do, say, or how they look and present themselves. 

If we are not attracted to another or even repulsed by them...it isn't them. It is simply that "something about them" triggers the samskaras within us that we do not want triggered, the trapped emotional energy we do not want to experience again. We resist feeling that way again so we close...seemingly to the other person, but in actuality we are closing to the mess we have inside crying to be dealt with, that is triggered by something this other says, does, or appears to be.

Love is all about whether or not we are open or closed. It is not about the other person. As I tell my children over and over again, no one can make you feel a certain way. They can simply trigger something already in you. Expectations and judgments of others are often the things that determine if we are open or closed to that inward flow of love in the presence of another. Remove the expectations and judgements and we will love everyone. 

How do we move expectations and judgements? 

By removing that which led to us forming them in the first place. That is, by releasing our samskaras.

How do we release our samskaras, crazy lady? 

By turning around and facing that which we have stuffed and stored whether it be joyful or painful. (Most samskaras we run from are the painful ones, of course. We resist pain and therefore we close up when we are theatened by the possibility of it. ) Have a good look at the conditioned programming that made you determine what you like and don't like, what you want and don't want.  If you are able, go back to that which led to those preferences. And then simply release that stuffed and stored emotional energy around those things. Release the samskaras. Purify. Clean up that which is blocking your flow of life. 

Okay, crazy lady, what if we are in an abusive relationship? Do we love our abuser? Do we stay? 

The quickest answer is, "Don't stay if your body, mind, or life is at risk. Get out in the safest way you can when you can. You do not have to put up with abuse of any kind!" 

So, this "Love is an inside game", doesn't apply here? Does that mean I am not responsible for the relationship?

Yes and no. You are definitely not responsible for what the other person does. You are not responsible for the abuse! That is theirs. You need to love yourself enough to protect and look after this life you have been given. At the same time, you need to explore why you got into that relationship. Of course, you do not want to beat yourself up too, for possibly repeating a subconscious pattern established long before you met your partner, but it is good to recognize if that is the case. Are you repeating patterns? Were you abused as a child? Do you feel worthy of a healthy relationship with self and others? Do you somehow feel you deserve less love than others? That you deserve punishment? Explore your core beliefs. Explore, hopefully with a trauma professional, your own past conditioning. It is very likely that there is a big samskara within you preventing you from feeling worthy of healthy love. With the manipulation techniques used by your partner in their attempt to get control, this negative belief could have been greatly reinforced to the point where you came to believe "you deserved what you got. " You didn't!!!

Is it wrong to still love my abusive partner?

You can still love your partner...at a distance until they get the help they need, which they may never get...in which case at a permanent distance. For many people in these relationships, it is a very confusing emotional roller coaster. They may feel love as well as hate. How can I still love this person? They may be torn between this perpetuated notion that they either love their partners all-in and accept the punishment, or hate their partners and get out. It is never that cut and dry. You can and likely do still feel love for this abusive partner. And it is okay to feel love. It was love that drew you in. It is okay to feel love. Just remember that love didn't come from them...it came from you and your big open heart. And true love begins with loving yourself, recognizing your worth. It is okay to still love your partner but just be careful an "attachment" or  a belief in, "this is all I deserve" or an "abandonment issue" is not keeping you stuck in an unhealthy relationship all because you do not love yourself enough. Open that flow of love for Self in your healing.

What about non-abusive relationships where I feel stuck, because emotional, intellectual, and physical needs are not met?

That is a complicated one. The first thing I would advise anyone to do, if I was in a position to advise anyone that is, is to explore what is iniside themselves first. Instead of focusing on what is wrong with the relationship, what is wrong with the other person...focus in a sense on what is wrong with you. "What is wrong" sounds pretty harsh I know...Let' try "What in me needs to be healed at the emotional, intellectual, and physical level." Then remove the responsibility and expectation for healing you from your partner. Heal yourself! Make it about you and getting what you need from you first before depending on someone else to fix what is broken in you or attempting to fix what you think is broken in someone else...and that is what we are basically doing when we ask others to meeto our needs. Start working on releasing your samskaras over fixing the other person, or fixing a relationship. It is not about them...it is ultimately about you and this simple question: Are you open or closed? 

Most of us are closed much more than we are open.Work on staying open and the relationship problem will take care of itself, in one way or another. 

Gracious, how I rambled on. All is well. 

Inspired by: 

Michael Singer/ Temple of the Universe/ Sounds True (July 20, 2026) The Mind is the Voice of the Heart. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_cDau9yNf0

Heavy

 

Heavy...

I open eyes 

to a purring cat on my hip, sharp and determined claws

kneading biscuits in the abundant flesh that has become my body.

Familiar and sluggish twins ...also greet me: Weight on chest...and mind, 

a dark and much too pregnant cloud that refuses to open and give birth.

I wake up.

I slip from the bed.

Limbs heavy...

sandbags of their pain weigh down one aching foot

while the arms of their still unanswered cries for help wrap around the other calf

I stand.

I step down.

The floor gritty beneath my feet

The weight of  the world's suffering, presses me down into the morning.

 Toes and tendons, misshaped and deformed from the weight they have carried 

 curl forward into claws, the accepting resistance that has become an old  mother's norm.

I ground without grounding.

I do my best to uncurl.

Creaks and cracks, like a spoon through a bowl of Rice Crispies, 

poorly orchestrated musical notes escape from joints.

Bone against bone, hard thing rubbing against hard thing

body and life ...lacking moisture, softness, the precious lubrication of joy .

I straighten.

 I stretch

Charlie horses ...teasing....tormenting...twisting, grabbing at muscles,

tie aging sinew into knots when limbs are lengthened

I do not stamp their fire out.

The cramping, another whispered Hail Mary 

added to a penance I have long ago  kneeled to accept.

I know I must pay for all I have done and all I have failed to do

...whatever that may be. I don't know anymore. If I ever did.

I accept the pain.

I try to move.

Shoulders curl forward....gravity...too much for them to carry.

It seems I cannot move past it, into this dash of life I have been given.

Only the draft ...the innocent emptiness this hollow connection provides

and the wind of his breath behind me, pushing through the congested cough

I know too well

creates lift under my arms. Shoulders move to ears.

I am propelled like one of the tumbleweed-sized furballs on the floor

 over the mound of his dirty socks that grow and multiply beneath me,

and through the door.

I tumble farther away.

I move into another room, another day.

Weight on chest, hard to breathe; Weight on mind, hard to think clearly

Gravity’s pawn.  Like a shuffleboard puck I am slid from one task to another.

Against the force above me, I lift arms to do what must be done.

Flush toilets, run hands under taps, fill bowls, make coffee

sit to write something of meaning...ignore empty page

bring cup to lips, robotically use fingers to answer calls for help, never ending calls for help.

Write 2000 words ...depthless, superficial words like the "good morning" I offer.

Put away dishes, sweep the floors...well at least pick up broom

tapping, tapping, tapping.... fill the remaining pages of this chapter with something...anything...nothing

Arms tremble under the weight of hope and expectation the morning light from window offers.

Its reality burns the eyes. I look away.

I slip into any distraction I can find.

I scroll

Heavy. Caught under gravity’s relentless palms 

I am shuffled from one senseless activity to another,

From one distant smiling face to another, 

from one more thing I do not need to buy to another,  

from Simon Cowell's surprised look to their leader's orange-faced lies,

Moving thumbs, going nowhere, doing nothing of value 

for a body and soul that stopped crying to be heard.

I am stuck.

 

I sigh

Clocks ticking impatiently in background, 

coughs and empty words breaking the silence

of meaningless watching, of mindless searching, 

a comfortable trap that takes over the day

numbing my weighted heart, veiling my clouded mind.

I sigh again

I watch as time passes.

Morning light becomes dusk. When dark enough, I make my way back to bed

Body now heavier, stiffer, more drained of life than it was in the morning light.

Head down on pillow...waiting ...for cat with desperate claws to remind this body, this human,

once again that it can feel something ....other than

Weight on chest. Mind, heavy with a rain that will not come.

I close my eyes.

© Dale-Lyn (Pen) July, 2026

Okay crazy lady, why don't you tell us what you really feel?  :)

Day after: I wrote this yesterday after listening to Mayim Baliak's podcast with a guest who was talking about distraction, among other things, and was inspired enough to write  a poem about scrolling. I didn't think it was supposed to be about this "me" at the time I was writing it. I really do not scroll that often...infact, most days I do not even know where my phone is... but I have on the rare occassion spent all day doing so. Still, this poem didn't feel"honest" to me. Today, I realize at the time I was writing, that I was also feeling pretty stuck and wanted to explore and express "what I really felt." So I reread the quickly written poem and found myself personalizing it and revamping it to do what the muse inside me really wanted to do with this poem....express herself honestly ...to express what it is like to feel "stuck"as a writer and as a person. This sense of stuckness can indeed lead to mindless activity like scrolling. I do believe we need to be honest with ourselves about what is going on inside us if we want to truly heal. I don't think I feel this way everyday but I definitely do some days. Being willing to recognize and sit with that experience is important. That is the amazing thing about poetry...it makes us honest.  Cra cra , I know :) ...but honest. 

All is well.

Inspired by: 

Mayim Bialik (August ?, 2025) # 1 Reason for Anxiety, Depression, and ADHD: How to Fix Your Focus and Your Mental Health    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dYb62PBK4k

 

 

Mui'nagati: Place of Bear

 Mou'in-bear and scratching and Medicine hands- medicine on hands;

Sunlight, like honey, dripping off claws.

The place, he said, was Mui'nagati (place of bear). the whole of the forest here is mapped out in Mi'kmaw nomenclature...I remember the unerving feeling of first entering bear grounds. ...you could feel the gravity of this medicine animal...the bear is a tutor of sorts that lumbers around the forest eating plants and animals...

Raymond Sewell

I seen a juvenile bear this morning running across  our yard and into the neighbor's. My first thought was, "He is looking for his mother. Where is his mother?" And I felt such grief and concern for the little bear. My trauma brain  is always hyper alert and anticipating the suffering in myself and others and feels compelled to do what I can to stop it...The reaction to the sighting reminded me of how my neural pathways are so wired towards the potential for suffering in this world.  So, when I see a young bear scurrying across the field without its mother in the morning...I assume it is suffering. I feel so much concern for the bear....and for its mother who is probably searching and worried about her young, if she is still in a position to worry, that is. I feel compelled to do something to help.  I felt so helpless this morning. How could I help in a case where nature does what nature does? D. assured me that the bear was old enough to be on its own. I wanted to believe that, but my brain wiring and my  gut were crying out that it wasn't.  

I followed the bear across the yard. On its retreat back to the wooded area it came from, it stopped and turned to look at me. We stared at each other for a few moments before it ran off. I couldn't help but feel that that exchange meant something beyond reminding me of my much too hardworking amygdala. 

You see, I often dream of bears. Out of nowhere, I win or receive pictures or statues of bears. I see them everywhere, it seems. I have had many a conversation with them as I stood only metres away from those that were raiding my garbage cans back at the other house. Though I am cautious, I am not afraid of them. I feel such awe and respect for bears. My heart breaks when I hear of people hunting them. I guess, I see them as a sacred animal. 

Who am I, a caucasion offspring of settlers who came from a country where bears are extinct, to see a bear as sacred? 

I don't know. I just do.  I know, in some crazy way, I dream and see them for a reason. I also see this place where I am living as sacred...I feel the people who have walked these grounds many, many years before the settlers arrived lingering around me when I look across the field or walk on the little cedar lined trail near by,  or when I watch the crows and all the others birds  flock around this yard. This place is really special in ways my little human mind does not quite understand. I feel it though...I just feel it...especially when I am meditating. 

So, I meditated out in the yard, after the sighting and before and after I practiced Hatha. During the first meditation I had a vision of me walking up to a Mi'kmaq campfire...centuries ago...as they were singing and dancing and worshipping the bear by moving like them under a big starlit sky. I was just watching...feeling that my white skin would lead them to reject me, so I didn't get too close. I placed my gift of tobacco down in hope someone there would pick it up and accept it. 

Then I went on with the meditation...forgetting about the bear and the land and fell into that state of no thought. I am not sure how long I sat there.  As I was coming to...I did ask for a sign from the ethereal world to show me that I, in this lifetime was being supported and guided and loved by beings in that formless realm. I was feeling down this morning and  feeling so alone in this venture towards Self that I have chosen.  I had woke up with chest pressure and very low energy so my mind was 'blah". Life seemed "hard". 

So, after the first meditation, and that request that I soon forgot about, just like I had forgotten about the bear, I began to practice hatha yoga wearing the PJ bottoms I went to bed in. Now I have had these PJ's for years and always thought that it was reindeers on the pattern. Even found myself running into the house this morning wondering what people were going to say if they seen me in my "Christmas" PJ's, as I looked down at them, convinced I was seeing reindeer. Anyway, as I began the Hatha and was bending down into uttasana...I looked at my pajamas to see that it wasn't reindeer but bears.  So many bears.  I knew then, I had my sign. 

When singing bear song, we mimic bear movements and tether to that bear spirit or vibe. We lay tmawei(tobacco) down for everything we take...

Okay, more kooky science at a distance...I read this while I was writing this entry, hours after I had my vision. How do you explain that in a way that makes sense to a practical mind?  Sometimes, I freak myself out. lol

All is well in this world, and apparently, in the other.

Raymond Sewell/NiCHE (August 9,2024) Bear Medicine. https://niche-canada.org/2024/08/09/bear-medicine/