What to Do? What to Do?

 

The world may sound no trumpets, ring no bells; the book of life the shining record tells.

Elizabeth Barret Browning

Man, I feel like I just had a good talking to about this idea of service I was living with.  What does it truly mean to serve in the bigger picture and have I been doing it?

I fear I have not been saying "yes" enough to Life when it comes knocking at my door with the question, "Can you do me a solid?" 

I have not been doing much "out there".  Why? Because it all seems too uncomfortable for this "me".  As I mentioned, I am now like a shelled animal who just molted.  I am open and vulnerable ...with all my nerve endings exposed, it seems, so I am very reactive and aware, picking up too much information about potential threats. It is very uncomfortable.  So, I have more or less been hiding away, tucked into this little rock...avoiding and rationalizing that I am doing enough...because, I tell myself, it really isn't about the doing. It is about the being. Which it is...but I think some doing is still required.  I serve  but only as long as I can serve in this safe, comfort zone I find myself in. I stay under the rock waiting for some other type of shell to form around me.  Imagine...here I am actively trying to be free of shells ...telling myself I cannot go back out there unless I form another layer of protection. I make all my service very conditional and limited.

I thought service, even in my so called spiritual state meant ...give to others and the world...sure...but do it based on what makes this "me" comfortable. Well, nothing "out there" seems to make this me comfortable lately. Just the opposite. So, I haven't been saying "yes" a lot unless the request is right in my face and very, very obvious.  I will rationalize each time Life lays something in front of me that could be saying, "Can you do this now?" with..."Well maybe  this that is showing up isn't Life asking "me" to do something. Maybe it is a more general request. I will let someone else take this one. If Life really wants me, specifically, to do something, it will be more obvious than this." 

Then when it becomes somewhat more obvious, I will reply, " No, I think I need to stay here until I get this sorted out...or I need to heal first...I need to figure things out first."  ...All the while Life is moving past this human, unfolding in front of her, offering this or that. 

There is still so many conditions on my saying yes to service.  I have to be comfortable.  I have to like it.  I have to be free of insecurity, anxiety, or fear when I do it.  I cannot be rejected, disapproved of, or criticized by others when I do it.  It has to be "safe".

Hmm! Safe to who?  This version of "me" I am still clinging to? Isn't my mission to get rid of this me so it isn't calling the shots? So, why am I avoiding so many opportunities to serve Life because I still want to protect this me?

Singer reminds us that the calls to service are quite obvious. 

The world will call to you and every part of your being will be pulled and everything will come together. 

I am not yet aware of anything quite that obvious...other than what I do here. I definitely feel pulled to do this taht I am doing now. I question, though,  if that is an actual service or just an activity that allows this "me" to stay hidden away in a comfort zone. Everything is not coming together to say, "Yes...this is a service!"I don't even know if I am reaching another human being. 

 I also fear that I am not seeing or understanding when Life is asking me to do things in other areas. These messages are not always clear enough so I am not able to dispute it or rationalize it away because the service requested doesn't suit this "me."

In other words, I really do not know what God wants from me. I do not know what I am suppose to do in terms of my dharma. Do you know what you are supposed to do?

Singer goes on to remind us what dharma is:

Dharma: that which you are given to do when you let go of that which you wanted to do and didn't want to do...

Dharma and purpose just unfolds in front of us, I guess.  When we are not seeking to meet the needs of the little self, we will see what we, as the Greater Self, are supposed to do in each moment. We will know?

You will always know what to do

I hope so.  I want to know what I am suppose to do in each unfolding without a shadow of a doubt.  Too much? I want what I am supposed to do here to be told to me clearly and obviously. Wouldn't taht be great if it was always that clear?

We just need to be open to allowing Thy will; not my will guide us. We truly do not know what we are here to do and what type of a difference each of our actions will make to the universe. It is certainly not all about making us...as one little human in a sea of 8.5 billion humans... feel comfortable and good, is it?

Don't ever think you know what God wants of you..The universe knows what it is doing...your mind is so small.

Knowing that, we need to spend more time listening and waiting for an answer after  asking, "What do you want me to do now?" Then we have to be 100 percent committed to letting go of the personal self, so we actually hear the answer. Finally, we need to...

 Put your entire heart and soul in the moment that unfolds in front of you...

I suppose there will also be a lot of trial an error trying to figure out the difference between what God wants and what we, as "me", want? We will likley step into places where we are not meant to be, that do not serve anything but show us the error of our ways so we can correct.

if you are not suppose to be there, it will move you

Life will guide us then? 

It will move you and it will give you stuff to do

I still ask for more clarity with every thing that unfolds in front of this human. "Am I suppose to do something with this for the greater good?  If so, what?" 

And I hope to get an answer that is obvious and clear, I will do what is asked of me, I will...even if I don't like it and it makes me very uncomfortable (like exposing this self here)...I just want the request for service to be obvious and clear.  Is that too much to ask? I want to know what I am supposed to do.

The most blessed person is the one who knows what they are supposed to do. 

All is well.

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe/ Sounds True ( April 17, 2026) The Life that Leads to Liberation. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rx4Jm1e2vdk&t=1162s

Examining the Question: "What is the Meaning of Life?"

 The answers you get depend on how you examine the question?

Dr. Joe Walsh

What question do we need to examine?  

What is the meaning of Life and how can I best serve it?  

That is the question I ask throughout the day and into the wee hours of the night. I am defiitely not alone in asking it, am I? It is the question from which the field of Ontology emerged, is it not? Yet, is it a question that was ever answered to humanity's satisfaction? Probably not! Why? Because we fail to notice how we ask it. We fail to examine the question itself. 

Let's look at that question. How do we usually ask it? We tend to ask it from a very narrow view point of "me".  This "me" wants to know "What is the purpose of "my" life? Why am "I" here? What should "I" do with this time I have on Earth that will serve "me" best?"

 So if there are 8.5 billion humans on Earth asking the same question with the "me" focus, guess what we will end up with.  We are going to end up with 8.5 billion different answers. Not one that serves the entire race.

What we need to do is notice or examine how we ask the question and then proceed to ask in a differnet way, a less egoic way. "What is the meaning of Life?" This is a question that will lead to a general, non-personalized answer. It is not referring to "me" or "you" or any one being but Life as a whole. "What is the meaning of this Life we are all experiencing?"  

 Then once that question is asked, we can ask, "And how can this one human best serve Life without getting lost in the idea that "it is all about 'me'"?

It is hard to depersonalize the meaning of Life isn't it? So, it is very challenging to depersonalize the question so that we get an ontological answer that best serves humanity. If we examine how we ask the question, however, we can predict what type of answer we will get. We can begin to shift the paradigm.

I found myself asking the question on my way home last evening. It was a bit of a challenging day.  I had gone down to another city with my brother for him to receive a diagnosis, hearing a word that terrifies so many of us. We were kind of expecting it so it was no major surprise. Infact, the outcome of that visit was probably more positive than we thought it was going to be. Yet, the mere mention of that word puts us humans in an existential crisis as we scramble with what it means to the body and mind we call "me". 

I did think, of course, what this diagnosis would mean to him, his wife, his children, and the rest of his siblings, but I also thought of what it would mean to "me". It made me think. "What is the  meaning of my Life now that I know this diagnosis can creep into our awareness at any time?" Then I examined the  question and I rephrased it, "What is the meaning of Life if it is so fragile and impermanent?" Then I quickly asked, "How can I serve it knowing that?" 

As soon as that question emerged in my mind, I immediately had to deal with another ongoing crisis. I suddenly felt overwhelmed and exhausted by the "Vanity of vanities" of this Life.  I questioned again, "What is the meaning of Life?" (removing the 'this' and the 'my') and I felt so much more peace without that "me" focus.  I saw the beauty and the specialness of Life even with this challenge. I saw the impersonal nature of it...the equanimity of this experience...neither bad or good...just is. ...just one of the many intertwining threads of this being human. 

The "me-ness" of the question also floated away and the paradigm shifted for me a bit. The experience of living is so much more peaceful without the "me" in the way. Life can be experienced with much more clarity and objectivity when it isn't so personal.  I did ask, "Now, how can I serve? How can I serve him and this situation? How can I serve Life?"  Without the "me" in the way, there was little thought of personal outcome, hardship or gratification in that question. 

Though I had a giant sized knot in my gut throughout the drive home...a sign of some lingering internal resistance...when I sat to meditate later in the evening, when I sat with exactly what was going on inside this human I call "me" related to the day's offerings,...I asked the question again. "What is the meaning of Life? How can I best serve it?"  I fell back into something a little deeper than the diagnosis, the suffering of others, my own worry and concern...and that knot just seemed to disappear. I fell into this non-thought place and it was very, very peaceful. 

I got an answer. 

The meaning of Life isn't about how much we are doing. It is about how much we are in it. Simply being and experiencing what unfolds in front of us regardless of what it is ... is the meaning of Life. How do I serve then? I just need to be fully in it and be willing to experience it all! Even this. 

Sigh! The knot was back this morning lol.  I still have work to do but I do believe if we want answers that soothe the soul...we need to examine how we are asking the questions.

All is well.

Meaning and Unconditional Joy: Experiencing the Small Gifts

 You are a very great being.  You are a very great being that is holding yourself down. Let go.

Michael a. Singer

I have been, as you know, contemplating the meaning of Life and the idea of purpose. I have this idea in my head that I, as this human, and you, as that human, are supposed to accomplish something "big" in order to make the most of these lifetimes we have been blessed with. We can't waste a moment feeling anything other than the highest forms of joy and happiness. We have to go on some grand mission to serve others or the world at large. We have to acheive ultimate ego worthy successes, and we have to make a big, note-worthy difference. We are great beings, aren't we? Shouldn't we then be doing great things and feeling great emotions? 

I have been walking around with a boulder sized knot in my belly full of have-tos, and shoulds, as well as a deep sense that I am not "doing enough", not "fixing" enough of what appears to be wrong in me and around me...not feeling enough of the joy, love, happiness and peace I am supposed to be feeling.  I feel like I am not being enough and therefore not living this life the way I am meant to. I fear I might be squandering it and the gifts I have been given to experience and express the magnitude of this life experience.  I guess, that kind of makes me feel like a spiritual failure.

I see that there are two things holding me back from embracing Life fully and enjoying the joy, bliss, love and peace within me.  The first of course, are my samskaras, and the second is this misconstrued expectation about what it means to embrace Life and be human that I hold onto. 

Samskaras need to be released and out of the way to experience the joy already within us. 

You let them go...because they are stealing the depth of your life

Oh I mean,  I see the necessity of and have committed myself fully to this life process of purification.  I am trying to release the junk stuck inside me. Unlike Michael A. Singer, I am not doing it in a gentle way. I am not just dealing with the low hanging fruit that plunk down on my head...I have a shovel and I am digging to the roots. I want this stuff out of me. I am committed to purification and I do truly see the wisdom in that quest. I put my all into it and am therefore hitting a lot of buried treasures. I am dealing with some pretty big and challenging emotional energy as it is released from the sealed trunk it was buried in. That isn't easy. I am facing that which I spent most of my life running from and believe me...I still want to run. I just don't. 

As I deal with the heavy and draining samskara stuff, I proceed through moment to moment living as a human being who has a lot of challenging life experiences, with a lot of heavy suffering going on around her. I keep hearing over and over from this self and from the suffering others around me, "I have to do more with my life or it won't be worth living! Its not meaningful enough as it is."  Somehow we are equating the meaning of Life with some "great doing" or some "grand experiences" that seem to be beyond our reach. For me, even despite all my work, I still hear myself saying, " Life will have more meaning and I will feel more joy  if I gain literary success, or if I become renown as a teacher of this stuff, if I get more readership, if I only had more money so I could stop worrying about money, if those I loved got better." Because I don't have those things now...I feel that twisting in my gut...that need to acheive and fix...I hear others reciting and even find myself reciting at times this mantra that I have come to know isn't true: "I will be happy when I accomplish this, if I get that, when I heal from this, if I help enough there, when they finally realize that or take the steps needed to get better, I truly have come to see that is not the way Life works.  I, therefore,  feel stuck. I feel like I am not doing what I should be doing with this gift of Life I have been given.

Life is right here and right now. Where is the meaning in this experience if it isn't in the striving for these great acts and this achievement?  

That is the question that brings me back to reality.  I spend my time wondering what that is. I have come to see that joy, love, happiness, peace and well being are already in me and I am not experiencing them for the two reasons explained above. I am blocked with samskaras and I also have very unreal ideas and expectations about the meaning of Life. So, I continue to purify to get rid of the first reason I am feeling stuck and I seek the true meaning in Life to end the second. 

Putting Away Unreal Notions About Life's Meaning?

Could it be that it doesn't matter what we do, where we are, what roles we play, what we own or have to Life's meaning? Could the meaning of Life simply be  about being in it wherever we are at? 

When I am walking in the woods and truly, truly feeling the earth beneath my feet, so much so I am no longer thinking about how to fix things...the knot in my gut releases and I know this is my life. This is it.  I do not have to do anything with it.  It doesn't have to be any different than what it is.  This is enough. It is beautiful as it is, worthy of my respect and admiration. Joy emerges in a very subtle form.

When I am hanging clothes on the line on a beautiful morning like this morning, hearing the bird song all around me, feeling the breeze and the sun on my face.  Man...that is no grand act of serrvice to humanity, maybe, but that is a precious moment in this Life experience. It is enough. It is worthy of my respect and appreciation. Joy emerges in a very subtle but real form. 

When I am writing in this crazy blog to God knows who, if anyone, I feel it then too.  This is enough. The act of writing, sharing learning is enough.  I do not need fame or money for it.  This gives life meaning. These moments, here, are worthy of my respect and appreciation. Joy emerges.

When I am sitting across from someone spewing out their pain and dissatisfaction with the Life experience and I can remain calm, somewhat detached but truly compassionate (even when they cannot see it)...it is enough. This too is Life. This too is worthy of my respect and appreciation. And yes, even in these moments joy can emerge.

 So instead of thinking and searching for the grand experiences, I can just look around me and find the joy that is there.   We do not need to do more with these lives…we just  need to be more in them. That’s all it takes to give Life meaning. Then joy, bliss, love and peace will emerge on their own.  And there is nothing we need to do to make that happen. .  

You don't need anything to make you happy.  Spirituality isn't about getting things.  It is about letting things go.

All of life is beautiful. All of life is joy ...enjoy all of it.

Every moment in life is an opportunity to bliss out.

If you want to be happy...let go...let go of the part of you that is making you neurotic

You can be happy if you let yourself be.

All is well.

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe/ Sounds True (April 13, 2026) Stop Chasing Happiness: Remove What blocks It. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2SXcMK4dj70&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=1&t=1145s

51 Mental Formations/Samskaras

Whenever you see an unpleasant mental formation manifesting, call on the seed of mindfulness to manifest as a second energy in your mind. Mindfulness is like a mother, gently embracing a crying baby,the unpleasant mental formation. 

Thich Nhat Hanh

According to the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, a samskara is said to be a subtle, latent impression, mental trace or subconscious imprint left behind by every thought, action or experience. The AI generated definition on google describes them this way.

They are the residual effects of past experiences stored in the subconscious mind (chitta), which influence future habits, tendencies, and behaviours. 

These samskaras can be pleasant, or unpleasant. I basically describe  samskaras in these terms, referring to the yogic understanding. Does it differ in the Buddhist understanding? You tell me.

51 Mental Fromations/Factors

 In Buddhist tradition a samskara is a mental formation...it is a particle of mental form that arises in the mind. There are said to be 51 mental formations, factors, or mind particles. We should, according to Thich Nhat Hanh, be able to recognize and name each one should they arise within ourselves so we can look deeply into them, allow them, understand them and then release them with great compassion should they not serve us or the world.  We do want to release many of these babies when they arise in our mind so they do not impact our lives in a less than wholesome way. It begins with being mindful of them.

 These formations may be deemed  positive, negative, or indiscriminant and are listed under six different categories: Five Omnipresent Factors (Universal); Five factors with a Determinant Object (Particulars); Eleven Virtuous Factors (Wholesome); Six Root Mental Afflictions (Unwholesome roots); Twenty Secondary Mental Afflictions; and Four Variable Mental Factors. 

Let's look at the Five Universal Formations. These include contact (the initial meeting between the sense object and the senses, between the mind and the world), attention (what we selectively focus the mind on), intention (volition or will in our focus), perception(the interpretation of what that sense object means to the body and mind based on past experiences), and feeling (Is the vibration of information we picked up with the senses pleasant, unpleasant or neutral?) These formations are said to arise with every moment of consciousness and are the essential elements shaping our experience of the world.

What are the Five Particulars?\

The Five factors with a determinant object are said to be relative, meaning they can be considered to be wholesome, unwholesome, or neutral depending on the situation. Desire or aspiration, of course, could be wholesome or unwholesome depending on what we are desiring and how attached we are to our object of desire. Resolution and appreciation for what is, is considered to be a very wholesome way to approach life. (Not to be confused with indifference). Mindfulness...being aware and maintaining focus on that which is our conscious experience, seeing through a balanced perspective is wholesome if we are embracing reality. Being mindful of only the so-called negative  or the so-called positive in our experience is not helpful. Concentration can serve us by training the mind to focus steadily on one thing instead of wandering off in many directions as it tends to do. Insight/Wisdom/ and Understanding can be very wholesome when we are willing to look deeply into what we have stored inside and learn from it.  

Then there are the 11 Virtuous or Wholesome factors that we should be always attempting to nurture and grow within ourselves. These include faith, self-respect ( now it is interesting to note in the Vietamese translation it is called shame...Being someone who writes a lot about the toxic effect of shame in our lives, I had a hard time with that. What was meant, I discovered in my research, was that we were to be respectful but humble, free of arrogance, free os self-rigtheousness), decorum/consideration/shame to others/embarrassment (this too kind of hit me hard...again it speaks to the need to be free of pride, for humility in comparison to others. Not to set oneself apart as special or better than...I think humility would be a better word but who am I to say that lol? ), non-attachment, non-hatred/ loving kindness, non-ignorance/nondelsuion/wisdom, diligence/effort, pliancy/flexibility, conscientiousness/heedfulness/care of the mind, equanimity/balanced perspective, and nonviolence/harmlessness/compassion.

Afflictions? 

The Six Root Afflictions are said to be the major cause of all human suffering. They include Attachment/craving, anger/aversion, pride, ignorance, skeptical doubt, and afflicted views such as wrong view. These are the roots to all afflictions or causes of suffering. These roots give birth to the Twenty Secondary Mental Afflictions: rage, resentment, hypocrisy, spite, jealousy, greed, pretense, sly deception.arrogance, shamelessness/pride, unembarrasment/brazenness, dullness, excitation/restlessness, faithlessness, laziness/sloth, heedlessness/carelessness, forgetfullness, lack of meta-awareness, and distraction (natural, external, internal, involving distinguishing marks, nonvirtuous tendencie or attention).

The Four Variables or Changeable mental factors can also be wholesome, unwholesome, or neutral depending on mental state and motivation. They include sleep, regret, Inguiry/looking deeply into self to gain insight, and analysis to understand Truth and gain wisdom. 

51 mind particle energies stored in store conscious (the subconscious) with the potential of arising to the surface of conscious awareness and impacting our lives. Don't know about you, but that sounds like a samskara to me. 

I think in our mission to purify we should understand these 51 factors a little better and be alert to their arising within our minds. The last thing we want to do is suppress and repress them farther, creating more blockages. We do not need to force them out of our awareness....nor do we need to act on them in an unwholesome way.   We simply need to be aware of them and their potential, be willing to look deeply into them, understand them with compassion and mindfulness, and release them when they are ready to be released. 

Hmm!

All is well

Thich Nhat Hanh/Plum Village (August 21, 2020) Our Mind and Mental Formations.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-copiRlX1s&t=4s

Wisdom Exeperience....How the Mind Works Asanga 51 Mental Factors List. https://wisdomexperience.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/11/how-the-mind-works-Asanga-51-mental-factors-list.pdf

Google AI Overview

Watching Instead of Fruitlessly Trying to Improve

Trying to improve yourself is like trying to lift yourself up into the air with your own boot straps.

Alan Watts

Most of us are on a self improvement kick. We have an urgent feeling that we must improve  the "me" and ask, "Can I improve me, when the person who is going to do the improving is the person who needs to be improved?" Kind of an oxymoron.  

Watts asks, 

What if you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is nothing you can do to be better?

Well, then we would be doing nothing but watching as Life happens and as we react to its happenings. We will be watching Life and we will be watching these humans in Life. 

If you do that...you, at least, give yourself a chance...You are freed from busy-bodiness and this need to improve everything...your nature will begin to take care of itself.

He reminds us:

The great things that you do are really just happenings.

All growth is fundamentally something that happens and it depends on two things, First, you must have the technical ability to express what happens; andsecond, you must get out of your own way. 

We begin to simply watch, allowing Life to be Life and us in whatever stage of human development we are in, be what it is when we realise that doing something about your situation is not going to help you; not doing something about your situation is not going to help you...you are reduced to simply watching

All is well

Alan Watts/Official Alan Watts Org (October, 2025) Mind Over Mind. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lHXisYGjvmM&t=3168s

Allowing the Unfolding

 

Just Unfolding

Life is just unfolding,

a rippling wave rippling

in the way the finest cloth will ripple

and you are just existing, 

a delicate thread in the tapestry 

of this unfolding  fabric,

 flapping, flapping, flapping

being swept clean

by the wind of cosmic love.

You cannot control the unfolding.

You cannot control the rippling.

You cannot control the flapping

but you can experience it,

by simply riding on this 

unfolding, rippling,  and flapping wave,

 enjoying  it all. 

© Dale-Lyn (Pen) April 9, 2026

Well, this is what came out of me in less than two minutes (that probably shows lol) as I was listening to Michael Singer-below. Don't judge the poem or the personality that allowed this poem to come through lol.

"I have no right to judge reality...including a person's personality."

I would like for Life to come in to touch me at the depth of my being...always.

Honor and respect that reality wins and reality always wins.

It is really amazing how deep the letting go of yourself path is.

"I can learn to relax...I can learn to be open.

I love the process of cleansing. "

Are you willing to go through the process of cleansing...so you can be free in there?

All is well.

Michael A. Singer/Temple of the Universe/ Sounds True (April 9, 2026) Why Love Stops: The Real Cause of Inner Closure.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DJuF0KFmwY&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=1

Beyond the Dark Night

 Freeing the Timeless Essence

There is a timeless essence beyond "me"

hidden in the soul,

beyond the grasping ego

that is always seeking more.

Swallowed by the rubble

of a collapsed philosophy,

confusion is the only marker

that will set the essence free.

Yet, one trips over this pointer

falling flat upon the face,

gets up and moves away from

the wisdom of this place...

Again and again and again,

we  fall as we circle all round

convinced the graveyard of the Self\

will remain hidden in the ground.

Within the grip of interpretation,

that makes sense only to the mind,

Soul's elusive nature seems impossible

to find.

We suffer in the "vanity of vanities"

of a thought stream that is dark,

drowning in its pointlessness

until suddenly there is a spark.

We hear the whispers of ascended masters

saying we will help you friend,

We have shown you how suffering begins,

now we will show you how it ends.

The message, just a tiny little ember

burning within the very core

lights up the sign we missed

and slowly burning more

until

we see where Self has been buried

beneath the mass of  worldly lies,

and digging down we free the Soul

admist triumphant cries.

© Dale-Lynn, April, 2026

This came out as I was listening to Eckhart Tolle in the below linked podcast on the dark night of the soul. Don't judge the poetry lol. 

All is well

Eckhart Tolle/ Sounds True ( April 7, 2026) Eckhrat Tolle LIVE On the Dark Night of the Soul: The Way out of Suffering in Tumultuous Times. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Di5s1DtRbM&t=389s

Look Up!

 

Remember to look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see and wonder about what makes the Universe exist. Be curious.  And however difficult Life might seem, there is always something you can do and succeed at, it matters that you just don't give up.

Stephen Hawking

We can do better than what we are doing now, can't we? We shouldn't give up by thinking the things we are doing on this planet are okay.

Hmm!

Artemis, Goddess of the hunt, protector of women and children, seeker of the moon and  twin to Apollo, is the perfect eponym for the craft now returning to Earth after viewing and capturing images of the far side of the moon. 

With all the crap going on down here (and the magic and beauty that is not getting the same media attention as the crap) it was so lovely to look up yesterday, away from so much egoic absurdity and destruction, as Artemis carried humans on a quest where no human has ever gone before. It was so soul soothing to see the devoted coverage on some live streams...just minute by minute  play  by play as  this craft transversed each of of the 384,400 kms ( 238,855 miles) to its destination and back. So many of us were mesmerized for hours trying to make sense of what we were seeing. We were taken away from our attention on the chaos of global politics and blundering egos. We began to wonder, once again, about what makes the Universe exist!

Humans can do that!!!  They can venture up and away from "me-me" focus and explore the spaciousness of reality...connect to that mystery and magic which is so much greater than the tiny needs of the personality. This is what we should be focusing our attention and awareness on!!! This is where we should be putting our energy. Why do we resort, then, to doing the crazy things we do down here? Why do we focus on the messes we make when we could be looking in awe at the magic of this universe? Sigh!

Just the fact that this is the first time a human has directly viewed the wrong side of the moon and why that is so, is amazing. The moon rotates on its axis and revolves around the Earth in perfectly matched 27 days cycles. This rotation and revolution is so in sync becausee of tidal locking (the strong uneven gravitational pull of the Earth) ...that we can only ever see one side. It is like Earth and Moon are ballroom dancers and moon is always showing her smiling face to her partner. Her partner never sees the back of her head...well until he gets an ingenious idea to build and send off a little drone to snap pictures of it while they don't miss a step in their choreography. :) 

Those four astronauts will never be the same after this experience, I am sure.  They risked their lives for the joy of tapping into and exploring mysteries so beyond our limited focus here. 

Such a quest changed Edgar Mitchell, for sure.

You develop an instant global consciousness, a people orientation, an intense dissatisfaction with the state of the world, and a compulsion to do something about it. From out there on the moon, international politics looks so petty. 

Edgar Mitchell

We need to change our focus, don't you think?

All is well.

Happy Belated Easter

 From death came life, from sorrow came joy; this is the hope of Easter.

Aloo Denish Oberio

It looks more like Christmas out there today than Easter.  And I spent the holiday almost as sick as I was at Christmas. Crazy, how that works. Well, after almost eight days I am recovering from this uncomplicated virus :) and from the negative mind trip it took me on.

Having a family meal at my daughter's tonight. 

Well I hope this season brings you a special kind of hope that keeps you grounded in the magnificence of what is.  

All is well!

Serving Life: Doing the Best You can Without Attachment to Outcome

 

There is nothing holier in this world than doing the best that you can.

Michael A. Singer

Are you doing the best you can in every moment that unfolds in front of you?  In that doing are you seeking something for the "me" from it? Or are you simply giving in an attempt to acknowledge, allow, honor, and serve the reality of what is? 

Do the best that you can without being concerned about the fruits of your actions.

Do the best that you can and honor and respect what comes back

If you are doing the best that you can you will evolve.

Doing the best that you can involves being here now

Can you give yourself away to the reality unfolding in front of you, right here and now, by doing the best you can while remaining "present" and while renouncing the fruits of your actions?

Hmm! I often ask myself that question and I do truly try to serve Life as it unfolds in its twisted pattern before this human, but "me" unfortunately is still around in the background saying things like "Well what do I get for this?" 

I also have a lot of "mind stuff" interjected through the purity of this mission, contaminating it with things like, "I am not good enough" or "I am above this" that stops me from doing the best that I can in every moment.

I am constantly repeating the mantra, "Thy will, not my will, be done."  Yet, when Life does what it does in front of or through this one little organism called "me" out of 8.3 billion other organisms, in this species alone, I still hear myself asking, "Why me? When are you going to make it easier for this human? When is she going to get something back for her efforts?"

Like so many humans, I still limit my frame of reference to "me".  I am getting a bit better and less "me" focused but I still have a ways to go. I prioritize a so-called spiritual practice in my Life so that I can get beyond this misconstrued concept that is a part of my programming that says , "Life is here to serve the human.  It is here to serve this "me" even though this "me" is not worthy of everything other humans are deserving of.  Still, if I as "me"  do this or that, fix that, control this or that etc.,  Life might meet "my" expectations and desires too...or at least stop presenting "me" with so many challenges." 

I do this out of habit mind, even though I know at some deeper level that...

Spirituality is not about provng yourself...it is not a comeptition

Singer reminds us that Life is simply doing what Life does and we have the miraculous opportunity to be a part of it ...to serve it  by saying..."Here's my small part." He also suggests that all we have to do is our best and our best is enough.

Never a time when the best that you can do is not good enough.

I would like to think that what I do here everyday is "good enpough" and it doesn't matter one iota what I get back for it as a separate little "me". That what I do with other areas of my writing and teaching, my presence for others in terms of being there in their suffering... is enough....that what I do in every moment is enough. I am really working on purifying and releasing that which is keeping me from being "okay" inside so I am open to all life is giving me.  Is that enough? 

You are a conscious individual with a moment in front of you.  Can you serve it completely?

I want to be okay so that I can give more back to Life.

When you are okay you are always giving

The question remains for me and for all of us who wish to honor and serve this precious Life we have been given...

Can I serve the reality that is unfolding in front of me...whether I like ir or not?

All we can do, I suppose, is our best and to take comfort in the truth that our best is enough.

All is well.

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe/ Sounds True ( April, 2026) The Spiritual Practice of Doing Your Best https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TombRy8Csho&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=1. 

Being An Uncountable Point of View

The universe is delightfully arranged...so that as it looks at itself, in order not to be one sided and prejudice it looks at itself from  an uncountable number of points of view.

There is nothing to pursue because you are it...you always were it. If you do not know that you were God from the beginning you will try to become God by force. 

Alan Watts

Jnana yoga is about developing the felt experience of knowing...the state where one is clearly awake and aware of the world as it is. It encapsulates a nonconceptual awareness that goes beyond thinking..

For that reason Watts tells us that it is incredibly important to unthink at least once a day.

He says that the thinking is all words about words and with thinking we become increasingly distant from life. We need to become, once again, like an infant. The baby has the oceantic experience...unable to distinguish between the universe and its action on the universe

There is an intellectual way of getting to this type of knowing. We can use mystical wisdom.

All mystical writing is just instruction. Mysticism, Watts shares, comes from a Greek word that means silence. We need to follow the instructions.  What are those instructions?

 "Stop look and listen!" That is yoga!

Through our seeking beyond thought...even if seeking is said to be counterintuitive...we will exhaust so many avenues that we eventually come to the simple truth that we were "it" all along. 

A fool who persists in his folly, will eventually become wise...William Blake

We eventually will discover we are it but it is very uncomfortable because we can not grab this knowing, just like we can not see our eye with our eye, or grab our right hand with our right hand. 

Tat taum asi is a beautiful truth we already have within us but we find it uncomfortable to ponder. Watts says it is like crawling into a hole and pulling the hole in after you.

Regardless...

..eventually you will realize that it is not necessary to hang onto to anything...to rely on...you are it...

All our terrific anxiety to survive is because we didn't know from the beginning that we were it. [but we did know from the beginning, Watts adds...when we were a baby]

It is basic to Hindu understanding that we are all God in disquise and the  world is an illusion. The way people with such belief create beautiful complicated music and laugh and play with it, instead of being all serious about it, exemplifies this knowing.

If you do find out by any chance who you are, instead of becoming merely lazy you start laughing and laughing. This  leads to dancing and dancing needs music and you can play with each other for a change...

All is well!

Alan Watts /Official Alan Watts Org ( April 4, 2026) Intellectual Yoga: On the Limits of Thought https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jk0EhRKwT_c

Illness, An Opportunity to Evolve

 Nothing real can be threatened

Nothing unreal exists

Here in lies the peace of God. 

A Course in Miracles

Love cannot be hurt.

That line from Michael Singer reminded me of the opening line in ACIM. What is real...love...is eternal, unconditional, and omnipresent.  It is the only real thing there is. It is everywhere.  It is in us...It  is us.  But instead of living in its flow in the heart chakra, most of us are stuck in the ego of the third chakra. 

How do we experience life through the heart chakra?  How do we get out of the stuckness of the third chakra? How do we stop closing to love because of our fear of getting hurt?

It doesn't take any more time to work on yourself. Just need to relax into those things you habitually resist. For those things that come up that were suppressed and repressed...honor their right to pass through.

Your past, by the way, is okay...forgive, let it go, be open....Don't you dare judge yourself becasue of your past. There is not a single thing that ever happened to you, that you did or that happened to you, that was not for your growth. 

Guilt leads to more samskaras and stagnation. Remorse leads to growth and release of our samskaras.

  Remorse is feeling the release in the heart of that which was making you behave like that. 

"Every minute of my Life is an opportunity to evolve." 

Life pushes you to face yourself. 

I would really like to know this is true. As I am dealing with this dark night of the soul and this movement of energy within me, bringing samskaras to the surface, I find my physical and mental health impacted.  

I have another bug...what my body and mind judge as a "nasty one". Was unable to sleep much through the night once the Tyelenol wore off. The throat was so sore...the worse its been since when it started five days ago. It got pretty dark for an hour or so. My thoughts got pretty negative and more than a little irrational. I was fevered and chilled thinking, "Oh man this thing has gone bacterial on me again, hasn't it? This mouth thing I had for over a year never cleared up completely and now I might have a frigging Strep Throat because of it!" And as I lay there thinking about all the antibiotics I was on over the last year to prevent an IE and the way it disturbed my natural flora leading to the growth of opportunistic infections  I told myself, "No more antibiotics!" I also thought about  how sick I was at Christmas with what I knew to be pneumonia and the promise I made to myself after the ER visit...that I would not go back to the ER unless I was unconscious in the back of an ambulance...I told myself I am letting nature take care of this one.  I thought of the worse possible outcome for not seeking help and I surrendered to it. "Thy will; not my will be done." I was literally okay with the prospect of getting septic or an IE should they be the outcomes. I just did not care at that point. I was exhausted with dealing with all this suffering around me and in me and decided I did not want to fight for or struggle against anything in this life any longer. I wanted to relax into all of it. I wanted to give it all up to the powers that be. I did not want to be the one constantly seeking to be heard so I and others could stay alive. I knew I  definitely wanted to honor this life I have been given and any soul contract I may have made. I would continue on as long as I could learning, growing, and loving but I was not going to live in fear of what could happen to this body. I knew so clearly then this body was not who I was. I felt ready to go home anytime.

So, I relaxed into the pain and the thinking and I felt a certain peace. When I got up and took some Tylenol...I began to feel better physically and mentally. I realized it was just a virus and it was only my mind taking me a dramatic twist to this story. I don't think I am dying anymore lol but I am still okay in knowing that this body could expire at anytime. Such is the way of this life. We are not our bodies!  In the meantime, I want to use whatever time I have to simply love and relax into whatever suffering and joy  unfolds in front of and inside of this human I call "me". Isn't that what we are here to do? 

Sigh! That is not that easy to do though, is it? 

All is well.

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe/ Sounds True ( March, 2026) Letting Love Flow: The Practice of Relaxaing and Releasing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h2QlD0HjKcA&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=2

Michael Singer on Evolution as the Meaning of Life

The measure of intelligence is the ability to change.

Albert Einstein

Michael Singer spoke about evolution and the meaning of Life today in the below linked podcast. He basically supported the point that "Earth is a place where souls come to evolve".

Are you evolving or...

Is the meaning of your life, to be conditionally okay?

What is the meaning of your life then? Self -realizaton

It is the ability to handle the situations that Life presents you.

Evolution means you chnage by growing through the situations you go through.

You do not get to write the script of your life...evolution means that you can handle reality

That is the meaning of Life...evolution

Life is not supposed to be what I want. Life is supposed to be the way it is...

You are not okay and trying to make your life okay.

Say to your mind when you get up in the morning, "We are going to be better today."

Ask, "Can I handle this moment in front of me...can I let go more than I ever could before?" 

Is this [pleasant experience I allowed in and wish to repeat] in harmony with the rest of my life?

Your life is an interactive sport...[we need to act].

Your life on this planet is a stimulus for your evolution

You are inheriting the experiences of your life, you are not creating them.

You are the experiencer of the experience you are having

I am going to handle today!

How can I tell if I handled it or not? Believe me you will know. 

You are not meant to be perfect...not meant to get it right.  You are meant to learn and grow

You are meant to go back with less than you came down with.

Every single day is a different person than the one who woke up the day before because you used that day to evolve. 

All is well!

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe/ Sounds True ( March, 2026) The Real Meaning of Life: Inner Evolution. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hC-qYP7a7x4&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=3

Learning and Teaching

 I cannot forget my need to teach what I have learned, which arose in me because I learned it.

ACIM T-5. IV 4:3

Feeling a bit off with this bug. Spent the day yesterday making shorts of my videos.   Why did I bother? Well, it was something I could do to fill a portion of my day, a distraction that required little of my limited physical energy. I suppose, I also did it for ego. It is still lingering around trying to prove this self as someone who has something valuable to offer, so it doesn't get kicked off the team lol. Not that I gave it or the team anything to write home about. (The shorts exemplify the imperfections of this human more than the videos do. The headshots represent every bad picture I have ever taken in my life...like the worse lol. I leave them that way because I want to stop being concerned about appearances and also because I haven't got a clue how to change them lol. )

 I also made shorts for this compulsion I have  to share what I am learning with more people. Part of this human wants to remain in obscurity, and another part says that though I can remain in obscurity forever, the learning can't. It has to be passed on. 

Someone sent me a comment once, suggesting that if I made shorts I would reach more people. After reading that comment my immediate thought was, I don't want to reach more people with this stuff. Ego is embarrassed sharing this that I learn. Then I was reminded in someway that this life isn't really about this "me" and what it wants,  is it? There is a reason why I have been directed to learn what I am learning and it wasn't just so this human could be more knowlegeable and keep it to herself. I learn it so I can tecah it. Teaching is a higher-directed need we have when we learn. Might as well listen to that compulsion. 

All is well

The Cost of Exposing Unhealed Wounds.

 It is the false shame of fools to try to conceal wounds that have not healed.

Horace

As I have been writing, I have hit a very yucky stage of the dig inward. It is the stage where old protective layers have been eroded or dug away and we are forced to see the unhealed wounds we have been trying to conceal. The dark shadows we have spent our lives running from are once again staring up at us.

 I am feeling more than a bit off. I am facing the reactivation of old shame wounding at the concrete layer of my Self excavation. As a result I suddenly am so aware of how I feel ashamed about almost everything I do or don't do enough of. 

To be shame-bound means that whenever you feel any feeling, need, or drive you immediately feel ashamed.

John Bradshaw

It is almost like the shame creates experiences to be ashamed of? It's more than a bit crazy. Sigh! This stage sucks! :)

I know this is about more than just the cat issue or what life and my body is or isn't doing.  It is about where I am right now  in the healing process, with the exposure of this samskara of unworthiness I uncovered on this dig inward. I feel so vulnerable to one of the greatest fears...being kicked out of the pack because I am not only defective and not enough, but this is e exemplified by possibly doing harm to another being...sigh. So weird. I I can't seem to do things right to help my cat or others. I know it is weird and irrational but at the same time it all seems so real to my nervous system. Shame and fear, once again exposed from beneath the layers of protective ego that once covered them, seem to be the default mechanism that directs my body and mind?

Did this yesterday.  It is a long one.

All is well

From Animal Surival to an Archeological Dig to the Core of Who We Are

 We fear to know the fearsome and unsavory aspects of ourselves, but we fear even more to know the Godlike aspects of ourselves.

Abraham Maslow

The need for approval from others is a tricky thing to get rid of and I don't actually think we can get rid of it altogether.  We are hardwired through our nervous systems to maintain our place in the pack.  As mammals interdependent on a social pack to ensure our survival it is impossible to completely diminish this instinctual need to be accepted. We need, therefore, other approval to some degree. We are also wired to experience intense reactions when we do not get that approval or when we receive its opposite...again a survival warning sign that our expulsion and therefore our demise may be imminent if we do not change our behaviour. 

Beyond the Biological Need to Belong

Some of us have very heightened nervous systems with over active amygdala's and others have underactive or underdeveloped prefrontal cortexes...so this surival thing gets over exaggerated.  It seems that everything is a threat to survival even when it doesn't make sense....  We cannot always "talk ourselves down" or rationalize our way to a sense of safety and security or to a sense of belonging. Some of us also have deeply conditioned beliefs(from the pre-seven-year-old programming) that tell us that who we are is not something the pack wants or needs.  We better, then, pretend to be whatever the pack needs us to be so we don't get kicked out. We build layer after layer of protective personality over this core belief that we are defective and worthy of expulsion. We begin to see ourselves as those upper layers of protection, denying what is underneath them, even though what is underneath will still get triggered by life events and seep up again and again. We live in a perpetual state of "imposter syndrome". 

The Dig Inward

Then as we begin this journey of healing inward, we are told we need to remove the layers or more precisely let those upper layers be debrided away by Life. Instead of clinging to them, defending them, claiming ourselves to be who they are...we begin to gingerly let go of those false selves we created to belong. We try to find our way inward to the One true authentic Self that resides in the core. 

Like an archeological dig, the journey is an arduous one. As each layer is peeled away, we become more and more raw...with less and less protection. Its scary. In our lengthy excavation we suddenly hit that pre-seven-year-old programming that was so well hidden from view but at the same time contaminating all the soil layers above it. It's like hitting cement...the shovel's reverberation can be intense sending shock waves through us. 

I hit that layer hard!  If your programming is anything like the junk I have been carrying around and been subliminally controlled by...it can be overwhelming to face...especially because we are now red and raw without protection, without the guise of our imposter costume to escape behind. We have to face who we have always truly believed we were. Then, there staring up at us is this belief of how unworthy we are. We see that our lives have been determined by this belief that we are not worthy, not good enough to stay in the pack. Without our false masks we are exposing our selves to be seen as these imposters and deeply fear we will be thrown out. Our demise feels like it is imminent. 

If we are not careful...we can get stuck here.  I sense that it is a very precarious spot to be in. Mental and physical health can be greatly affected by the negativity that occurs here, by the intense reactivation of the amygdala and the rest of the nervous system, by the heaviness that comes with realizing these beliefs. Right now I see the impact on my body.  My immune system has made a hasty exit it seems.  My ticker is acting up.  My mouth is inflamed again as are other parts of my body. Having wicked night sweats at night. It's crazy!  As for my mind...it is screaming at me to "Run!" and I am like "Where? Where can I run to now? I have already dismantled most of my hiding places." 

I realize I just have to sit with these beliefs and the reality of  this programming until I am ready to move on. And it is very, very heavy. Not a heck of a lot of fun, let me tell ya!

Hmm! At the same time I know...that this layer too...is not who I am. I am committed to keep digging. This layer  is not the core I am digging towards.  It is, however, where most forms of psychology and science will stop, but I know in my heart there is something deeper than this.  I want to keep digging...even though I realize not many go beyond this level and there is not much encouragement to do so. I won't have the support I had to dig through the upper layers.  It will be challenging to settle into this so I can get beyond it.

I have to soften the earth here before I can go deeper.  As I wait for the ability to go beyond this layer, I  sit with the artifacts I am discovering...see how they impacted my life...possibly see where they came from and learn from them.  I need to accept their part in the history of this human I call me without getting pulled down into the story again. It won't be easy but I can do this. If I can do this, anybody can do this!

This layer I am at now is the last human layer to dig through. What awaits beneath it is the Being level...the One being layer. Part of me has to die...all my ego layers, including this last layer of core belief programming must go...before I can experience proverbially rebirth at the deepest level. 

When the layers soften enough for them to be peeled away I will go deeper to the light I know is there. That Who I Am is hidden like a buried tomb of treasure beneath all this ego stuff that was piled on top of it. I am determined to uncover it...if not in this lifetime, in the next. Sigh!

But for now I am, like many of us, seemingly stuck at the slow part of the dig. It seems like we are drowning in these new and not so new discoveries. It is painful for sure, but this stage like all things in life will pass. We will find our way through if we make the light of who we really are our pole star.

Anyway, quite the ramble, eh? My twisted mind took this human from a rampage on the animal-like survival need for approval... to an archeology dig for  the soul of who we are.  Now that is a busy day. :)

All is well.

The Painful Shedding Away of Ego

 You are not suppose to love yourself until you do.

Byron Katie

I set out to know and love Self. I know now what is in the way and what I want and don't want. 

I don't want this me inflated by the happenings of life ...exalted by praise, and false confidence

I don't want this me deflated by the happenings of life...crushed by aversity, and negative opinion, 

For not only, am I not the happenings in this Life, I am not the "me" who gets inflated or deflated by these happenings. I am not this personality encased in a body that seems so seperate, so dependent on the opinion of others and how it appears in this ever changing world.  

I am not that which cringes in shame when things done are not enough. When words said are not received well...when gestures of kindness are dismissed or ignored. I am not that which is judged by other opinion, not appreciated or ignored.

I am not that which puffs itself up in a time of crisis to appear bigger than it is, or that which will stick its nose in the air as it lists its accomplishments to anyone who will listen...just so it doesn't have to hear its own pathetic messages of unworthiness. 

I am not ego. I am not good.  I am not bad.  I am not someone to be admired or someone to be rejected. I am not someone to be liked or someone to be disliked.  I am not my pride and I am not my shame or my fear.

I am the soul of perfect authenticity, equanimity, and humility that exists beneath the many, many layers of a personality that is forever exhausting itself in an attempt to bring itself up when it is down  and down when it is up too high. These layers are in the way of me experiencing Who I Am.  I want to expereince the free flow of Who I am. I no longer wish to be made small by my shame and my fear.  I no longer wish to be made falsely  bigger by my pride and my redemption tendencies. I want these layers gone.  I want to be Who I am.

Oh...but what a painful and confusing process this shedding and tearing away is. 

It wasn't fear holding me back.

Hmm! I realized why I haven't been picking up calls for work.  It wasn't the avoidance tendency that comes with anxiety and fear holding me back, like I feared it might be.  I had to find out for sure.  I couldn't continue to not take calls because of fear. I don't want to avoid my life. I was so glad to discover, then, that it wasn't avoidance but an inner knowing about where I am in this process I set out to complete. 

I worked yesterday, just a few hours, and I had the same internal experience of overwhelming exposure I had the last time I worked months ago.  I knew that if it was anxiety or fear facing the situation was the only way to conquer it and that I would know when I did confront it. I discovered, however, that I was not anxious or fearful when I got there...I was simply too exposed to all the energy around me. This is how I get lately. I suck it all in without noticing until the end of my experience...that is when I tend to feel very unsettled...when I realize I am not thinking clearly. My nervous system, I am realizing, doesn't know how to handle it anymore...how to filter, select and organize the stimuli coming in. I am open to it all. So, everything comes in...I pick it all up...what I am seeing, what I am hearing, what I am smelling, tasting, touching...and most importantly what I am feeling...so, so many feelings that aren't mine. Allowing it all in is difficult because I am so raw...clinging only to the tattered and shattered shells of a crumbling ego and its shaming and redeeming tendencies like they were scraps of tattered fabric blowing behind me. Without the protection of these layers, I tend to pick up everything from an external environment and I have no place to put it...I have no paradigm to stuff and store it in any more. And at the same time I see so clearly...the ego that remains still looking for others to tell it is okay. I find myself seeking approval. When ego doesn't get what it wants,  it begins to puff itself up. It internally , and to my surprise, externally redeems itself by listing all its accomplishments and why it deserves to be here. I see what it is doing while I am taking in all the stimuli around me and I don't like it.  I walk away from what should be harmless situations feeling like a magnet that just walked through a scrap metal yard...so much is sticking to me....all while I drag even less of thes protective layers I once identified as, with me.  It is very unsettling. It will take days for me to get all the stuff I picked up off...to regain my balance...just from a few hours of such oridnary exposure. It's crazy. But it is very real.

Is this a normal part of the waking up process?

Well intuitively I know it must be. My heart, I figure, was protecting me here by avoidng or resisting calls, ....even when my ego was protesting and shaming me for it.  It knew I was at a very fragile and vulnerable stage of this process even when I, as the "me", didn't know it yet.  It was no longer trying to protect body and personality...it was trying to protect the vulnerable part of my connection to a higher Self as it emerged through the shattering of ego defences. This is why I so need the healing safety of solitude these days.  Not because I am running away from Life but because I am preparing myself to jump back in it as the most authentic Self.  I am caught somewhere between the dying part and the newborn part of "Die to be reborn" ...I am, as a protective personality, still dying and at the same time I am coming to Life in a new way as a very raw and vulnerable being.  Bizarre really. 

Wow, it is so great to have that realization. That my retreating back into solitude might be for a higher reason than just fear based avoidance.  I am growing.  I am expanding. It feels absolutely terrible.  And I also know, that though it is very, very confusing and uncomfortable to put this human through the exposure I put it through yesterday...if doing so is helping the "me" to die quicker, helping shed the remains of ego so who I am at the deepest and most authentic of levels can emerge...then yeah....maybe I should continue to expose myself a bit.  Humans can handle that discomfort in small does. can't they?. Well, maybe I need to do it slowly and gently with a great deal of compassion for this human I still call me.

All is well.

Jumping Back and Forth Between Mountain Paths

 

There are hundreds of paths up the mountain, all leading to the top, so it doesn't matter which path you take. The only ones wasting time are those who run in circles around the mountain, telling others their path is wrong.

Hindu proverb

It is snowing today...we had what seemed like a world awake and stretching into spring and now we have a world that seems to have fallen back to winter sleep. Is this not the way of Life? I know it is the way of human consciousness. It is very, very hard, I am discovering to stay awake.  :) 

In an attempt to wake up more and to stay awake I started studying and practicing  QiGong or Chi Kung...however you wish to label it. In the same sense I am studying yogic purification and shakti release. They are ultimately practices doing the same thing, just with different names with different cultural influences. Seemingly different (but very, very parallel) paths to the same destination. 

All is well. 

Something Sweet In Sadness

 Something sweet can be found in sadness, a soft melancholy whisper that breathes life into a withering soul...filling the void where apathy once sat.

Me

I wrote that line decades ago in a poem I remember only vaguely.  Though I didn't understand them completely until recently, those words from that poem have haunted me since I first allowed them to come through onto the page. They were meant for me more than anything else, I now believe. A message from my soul to my soul. 

So, so many false layers of story, protection and image we wear over our life spans...so many pseudo feelings hiding the real feelings needing to be expressed. We truly do not understand the felt experience of honest sadness until we can experience it without the narrative, the history, the causation focus, the layers of numbing filtering, and the "me" of it. We need to tap into it as it is. 

Hmm! As I look out at both the beauty of this life and the difficulty, I feel real sadness in little spurts...in behind my eyes trickling down in tiny streams of felt experience or bubbling up behind the gate of my mind waiting patiently for the okay to flow more freely. I look forward to that authentic, unrestricted flow for I know, unlike all the contaminated by "me" sadness I might have experienced to date, this stuff will be real and cleansing. It will breathe Life back into the soul ego tried to bury under all this human drama. It will pump up the space that has been for too long cut off with some honest emotion. I will finally feel it and experience it fully. I will feel and experience the actuality of Life.

Maybe sadness is one of the first emotions we need to tap into as we shed our layers and confront and embrace our unprotected cores. There is so much suffering in the world and there is so much awesome beauty and mystery.  To be open to all of  it, is going to lead to sadness at times...sweet, sweet, beautiful sadness. 

All is well.

The Commonality of Psychology, Spirituality and Physiology

 All change happens when we see ourselves from the grounded state of presence...

Dr. Nicole LaPera

I like to find the commonality of psychology, spirituality and science (physiology) and merge them together for a better understanding of the effects of wounding and the route to lasting healing.   

I believe they all point to the same thing...Life does what it does offering a host of different sensations.  We have all these experiences. Some of them beautiful and others very difficult. If the experiences were very challenging for our nervous systems to cope with...we store them in our bodies and minds. They become, what a yogi would call a "samskara" and what a psychologist would call a repressed emotional pattern and what a physiologist would call an energy blockage or disease. 

They also all point to the fact that we need first of all to become aware of how these stuffed and stored energies are determining our lives.  Even though most of these samskaras were created before the age of 7 with our childhood programming....most of our core beliefs about our worthiness, the safety of the world, or our place in it...they will determine our lives until we wake up to them.  Our programming determines the personalities we create and how we experience life. 

We need to look at the life patterns in our adult life and see how they relate to what we stuffed and stored, our childhood wounding that we spend our lives running from by creating personalities and actions  that diminish the negative experience of the messaging that keeps coming up.

We need to be willing to spend time alone exploring these patterns and releasing the samskaras so the energy of who we are can flow through. We check in with the body several times a day to see where these samskaras are stored and begin encouraging the body to relax so they can begin to release. We explore the mind and its connection to our life experience. ...accepting and letting go of what does not serve. 

We watch and train ourselves through the life triggers we are given. We go from reacting to responding in a healthy way.

We still act but we do not react based on that stuff we have stored in there.

Michael A. Singer

So many tools for understanding and healing in both of the below podcasts. Please have a listen

Andre Duqum ( March, 2026) What your Childhood Home Did to Your Nervous System/ Dr. Nicole LaPera. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BlpyzG5vV_o&t=3015s

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe/ Spunds True ( March 23, 2026) The Clouds that Block teh Inner Sun. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZX0do-ToHI

In the Middle of a Swinging Pendulum's Arc

 

 When you know that bad things aren't so terrible, and good things aren't so terrific, you can be quietly grateful for whatever occurs. Balance is neither pessimism or optimism.

John F. Demartini

I came across this entry from several years ago when I was checking to see what was read in the last 24 hours. I played with it a bit. This seems to echo this question I have been asked to answer, "Is Life worth living?"

Even in challenging times Life is worth living...because though our focus too often may be a bit askew and aimed only on one side of a swinging pendulum ...the actuality of Life is perfect just as it is. With its challenges and its blessings, its high moments and its low, its beauty and its ugliness, its ten thousand joys and its ten thousand sorrows, Life is amazing.  It is never all wrong or bad or difficult, nor is it ever all blessing and ease. It is just our perspective that makes it so.  

We need to find the balanced middle way between the negative and the positive dualities. We need to make it a point to view Life where it is meant to be experienced...in the middle aspect of a swinging pendulum. 

On This Day

On this day, the beginning of my 58th year, I celebrate in the only way I like to celebrate milestones of passing time.

I come here. 

I sneak out of an overcrowded bed to another crowded spot, my dining room table which is now my writing space. 

I seek solitude and solace here while all those, who tend to demand so much of my time, my space, my energy are still in bed.  

I need to be alone with my tea and my furry friends, if they care to join me, but alas, they are too lazy and sleep in this morning. 

As I settle into the chair rolled in from my office, I do my best to ignore the books piled high on this makeshift desk, the pages and pages of notes scribbled...yes... literally scribbled onto notebooks and loose pages...notes I intend to get to someday in my many, many yet to be complete writing projects. 

The mass of wires necessary for me to transfer thoughts and images onto this machine are tangled around my feet, while the somewhat neglected cameras and photography equipment awkwardly clump together for comfort, collecting dust, on top of the hutch, a place they don't belong.  

A plaque from the college I used to teach at, sitting on my table, recently opened and hurriedly removed from the Purolator package it came in yesterday, claims my reluctant attention. 

It was a birthday surprise, I suppose, saluting many years of service when I retired.  Two years ago, thinking it would be best for all, I snuck my misbehaving body out the back door of that world I loved so much. I now run my fingers over the smooth glass surface of the framed certificate. I didn't think anyone had noticed.

The gratitude journal I write in every morning, from a thoughtful friend, given to me on my birthday four years ago, is open and I can see the scribbly writing, today's entry, that reads, "Thanks for 58 years of Life" .

That is not just a platitude. I do feel grateful, like I accomplished something. I have made it, after all, to the lines at the bottom of the pages...the last year of open entries waiting to be filled. And I know, somehow, that means something.

I can hear the faucet from the messy  kitchen dripping. It has to be replaced but I know that won't get done anytime soon. I can't afford a plumber or a faucet and wait for others who are so busy doing their things to do what they cheerfully say they will do.   

I Sigh.

I should worry more about the roof. It is leaking. There are big brown circles on my ceiling tile.

I drop my eyes, telling myself, that on this day, the beginning of my 58th year...I will not look up.

I look down to see a very red pinky finger, busy keeping up with the others dancing along the keys. It is three times bigger than my other pinky. I let an infection I got from the tiniest of openings over a week ago, go too long. This little finger just didn't seem as important as all the other things I had on my plate so I convinced myself ...it would go away.

It didn't.

I will probably need antibiotics which sounds like overkill, I know...but it is the course of treatment for such things. That means seeking medical attention, the mere thought of  which opens a Pandora's box of stuffed shame and pain that I would rather keep hidden away in my psyche. 

I tell myself, though on this day...the beginning of my 58th year, I will not look down. 

Instead, I look out the windows that surround me.  The blue sky warms me...well not "me" intentionally. It does not know this "me"...a tiny, tiny speck so far from its massive center, and does not single this "me" out. It is generous and giving to all. It warms everything it touches ...with such loving, accepting arms. Understanding in some way I can't explain that this "me" that now feels its warmth is a small but significant part of that everything...

I relax into its embrace. When I do I hear the most beautiful music of robin song being played amongst the branches of my favorite companions.

I settle into this precious moment on this day, the beginning of my 58th year, and I breathe.

There is a beautiful sprig of lavender beside me, a gift from another friend who knows me better than she thinks she does. I take in the sweet, familiar scent and allow the healing aroma to comfort this clump of flesh I call "me". 

 I can feel them in my eyes for some reason wanting, and needing to come out, to trickle down the aging skin of these cheeks. I know better, now, than to resist them. They and whatever buried secrets or stories they hold within their liquid truth...just are what they are...not good, not bad, just energy....flowing....passing through, like all things in Life are meant to do.

I relax into them. I relax into all that surrounds the everything I am.

I breathe into what is...on this day, the beginning of my 58th year, of precious Life. 

© Dale-Lyn, July 2021

Reworked March, 2026

All is well!