Micahel A. Singer on Handling It

Yesterday I was clever and I was trying to change the world; today I am wise and I am trying to change myself.

Rumi

This intense reaction I had the other night both surprised me and inspired me. It led me away from my focus on what the others were doing, and allowed me to explore what was happening inside me. I felt this compulsion to stop running and to allow all that was crying to come up, to come up.  I sat with it.  I looked deeply into it. I explored that which the others' unconscious behaviour somehow triggered. 

It was amazing.  I didn't think I would be able to accept, let alone understand and release the amount of emotion that surfaced...but I did more than that.  I healed a bit.  Wow! I must thank the people I was recently cursing and wanting to change lol  for doing exactly what they did that inspired this release in me.

The clarity was astounding! 

These are words from Michael Singer that explore the reason why we need to let our samskaras to come up so we can experience and allow Life to be Life.

 It is not about going to God; It is about not hanging around with you.

The ego is constantly preparing itself for the way it will be presented outside, with the intention of creating something that will be a protection from anything that potentionally comes in and make it uncomfortable.

A clear being deals with things out of clarity, not out of ego

It is not about getting away from this thing; it is about getting rid of it. 

The need is to accept that the world is not under your control...

Be open to learning; Open to changing. 

Are you okay with the uncomfortable? 

You, who are in there, is not insecure; you are looking at an ego that is insecure...

[Many of us are]trying to build an inside that works for what the world is doing

Practice being able to handle what didn't feel good

Be the one in the room that can handle things.

If I can handle what is unfolding...I can be happy

If you don't get distracted by you...wait to see what happens..

Notice the resistance and the tendency to push it away...and relax

Learn how to be okay with not being okay...honor and respect when things don't go your way...

You don't go up...you just stop going down...and the energy goes up

Any work you do on yourself changes the energy of the world. 

The purpose of my life is to be able to handle the unfolding of Life that is happening in front of me...

Let go of your need to protect yourself at that level out there....

Micahe A. Singer/Temple of the Universe/ Sounds True ( May 11, 2026) The Spiritual Art of Handling Life.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cX59A7QoGFk&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=1

Learn to Handle It

 They do their thing...it does its thing and you are back here noticing...breathing...accepting, honoring respecting the pain...that's okay... it will pass...it passes if you let it pass...I can handle the pain...

Michael a. Singer

How I long to let this emotional reaction I have in the physical or "thought presence" of the people I feel have purposefully set out to hurt us, go. When I say us...I really mean my loved one but of course, his family is  attached to those manipulations, lies, slander, false accusations and other forms of defamation that took place over the last two years. The attempt to deprive him of his loved ones and rights, also denied us of ours.  I, especially , feel betrayed and hurt by those actions because there was supposedly a long time friendship between the one who orchestrated all this and "me"...whoever that "me" was when I saw her as a friend. 

This samskara that was reactivated so violently the other night...that felt like "hate" was something I knew I needed to explore. So, after I paced and paced, ruminated and ruminated twisting my hands into knots until they hurt...I eventually relaxed enough to call it up. I had a good look at it, seeing so many other samskaras stuffed beneath it. It was a complicated but very much needed releasing and exploration that took place, thanks to awareness of that hate brewing inside of me.. 

This situation also unleashed a series of realizations I have always known but suppressed about the nature of this so-called friendship---things others reported seeing years ago, that I refused to see. I spent the majority of my life wanting to trust her.  She was the first person I told my trauma story to.  I needed to believe she really cared. She became a "martyr" in my eyes...someone selfless enough to befriend such a broken soul as I. I refused to see that she was broken too, and could not see beyond her own brokenness...that my obvious brokenness and sense of being owing to her somehow gave her protective personality strength. The stronger that was, the less she had to deal with what lay beneath it, that which she ran away from. I was nothing more than something that fed her self protective persona with my own sense of unworthiness so she could continue hiding from hers. 

I am glad I see that now and am ready to face those relationship realizations that have emerged to be looked at; to see how this present situation is unleashing alot of those things I suppressed and which have intensified my feelings of unworthiness over the years. I see why I couldn't heal in her presence and actually felt worse about myself when I was with her. At the time, I was always so surprised and grateful that someone could say they care about me and call me their "best friend", even when I believed I was so broken and defective as a human being. She was a saint in my eyes simply for being my friend. And in a desperate, likely subconscious, attempt to avoid having to deal with her own samskaras, she used that to build her personality. 

I do not blame her for that. Not at all.  In fact, I have deep compassion for her when I see that clearly. She is just a human being who suffered and had the same tendency most of us have  to stuff and store that suffering; to build a protective personality around it  that would save her from having to deal with her own feelings of unworthiness. And she is definitely not responsible for any feelings of unworthiness I had...they were there long before I met her.

When I contemplate this reality as these samskaras come out of me, as they sit by my side to be viewed and conversed with in a gentle compassionate way...I actually have more compassion, for the first time since this battle began, for her in this situation as well.  I can see why she did what she did...why she needed to be the "martyr" , following a protective personality habit that has become a part of her persona. She has learned to identify with that persona when it is just a protective layer of image that serves no one in the long run.  Instead of facing that which needed to be faced within her own psyche and within her own family dynamics, it was easier to project outwardly at the wrong doings of others, to sit as judge and jury when it came to other people's parenting, and to intervene even beyond was was considered ethically or legally sanctioned.   I know we are not the first villains she had to create in order to justify her overstepping in the rescuing of those who didn't need to be rescued, so she could enhance her "saviour" complex. She attempted to "rescue" many others, including my own sister, over the years because the role of martyr made her protection stronger. I doubt that she did any of this consciously...but she definitely did it...or manipulated others to do it. Any pangs of guilt were likely covered up with a personality acquired sense of self-righteousness and superiority. She became so convinced of the need to save, and her self-righteous position to do so,  that she has convinced her loved ones and others as well.

 In order to save, there must be villains to save from.  And this is where the compassion gets tainted with anger and deep resentment bordering on hate. From the beginning, she made my son one of those villains, knowing full well that most of the things she was accusing him of were not true.  I am convinced beyond a reasonable doubt that she knew they were not true. Many of the others, maybe, were convinced they were true, and that gave her story and her persona strength, but she knew they weren't. She used his personal mistakes (of which he made many, and he did hurt her loved one in the break up in a dishonest way I will never approve of. ( I taught my kids to be honest!)  I felt terrible, absolutely terrible for that... but everything else was a bold faced lie!) to build up a story and a narrative to convince others of her need/their need to intervene and rescue once again. That would strengthen her image of "Saviour". 

Even before the custody battle, she made his life there a living hell convincing others she was doing the right thing by not allowing him to have full rights to his children, always intervening, always taking them from him...when it was so, so obvious to anyone who seen him with his children how wonderful he was, She purposefully did what she could to stunt his growth, playing on his mistakes, until she broke him.  I was there the moment he broke, and I knew he could not be the father he is now if he staid there in her presence (I was also recalling from experience that subtle manipulation she was also responsible for in my own life)....all  while  she built up her image of martyr and saviour. Her personality was calling the shots while breaking my son... in an attempt to protect her from what she really needed to deal with. Watching her do that was causing me so much confusion and pain. I couldn't see it clearly then ...I just knew that he couldn't parent the way he wanted to, I couldn't grandparent the way I wanted to under her watch. 

I was also very unsure about my own grandparenting abilities...and my own rights to these children.  Being around her triggered these core beliefs and memories from my past with her, to the point that I honestly believed I was not as capable as her, that I was not entitled to more time with them.  That I needed permission and guidance from them to be a grandparent. It was bizarre...That responsibility, of course, lays with me and my clinging to what I had stored. 

I see that so clearly now. If I were not to explore the reaction I had the other night...I would have continued with the confusing hate that was building inside me.  I did not want that in me! As that came up, at my request, so many other things came up.  I could see what I was storing and the whole picture began to make sense to me. 

Not that I have any right to explain her side of the story like I did here and not that she would see or agree with what I observed but this clarity that has resurfaced from the depths of me is so clear, I trust this very perceptive mind. Looking deeply and seeing what was there beneath it did help me  to diminish that feeling of hate, to understand to the point of  compassion and forgiveness...well almost...still have some ways to go when it comes to forgiving what  she is still attempting to do to my son.  What she says and does in regards to this human I call "me"...I am okay with that. Fire away,

I accept that she is just doing her thing and that I am simply back here noticing...The more I notice, allow, accept, and even honor the pain that emerges...the better off this human will be. I am truly learning to handle the pain.

I can handle what is going on inside of me, therefore I can handle what you did...I can handle it!

All is well

Releasing Expectations and Emotional Energy

 Be kind to yourself and be patient...put your expectations aside. If you are falling in love with the process and the journey, those external rewards and those big inflection points will happen as a by product of that. But instead of chasing them, just pay attention to yourself and how you are comporting yourself in the minute to minute kind of cadence of our everyday lives. 

Rich Roll

I heard those words spoken today and they came at an appropriate time, bringing about two things I was recently reflecting on: being in love with the process of writing/ sharing regardless of the absence of external reward, and about watching how I am comporting myself in the minute to minute experience of living.

I would love to be completely free of expectations. But truth is, I am not completely free of my desire for the added-ons that Rich  Roll says will come when we are doing what we love, unattached to outcome.

My sister and I had a long discussion just yesterday on the need to write to write and the need to focus on the process rather than chasing after the elusive literary success. We both, however, openly admit it would be cool to have that success. For me, being known as a writer is one of those things  Redeemer Ego craves. It sees it as a way to pull this "me" up from the pit of shame and say to society, "See...see what I can do....and see how I can portray the truth I see in you." In the height of any intense shame cycle...or when I am feeling undervalued by society ( which is often just a misconstrued perception...though it is also sometimes valid)...I go to this fantasy of others becoming awed by my words and seeing what I see. I also want what others see as success and acclaim to put those people who hurt me or looked down at me in their place. I erroneously assume this "special" status an acclaimed writer gets to wear for a while would make me appear superior to those who apparently see themselves as superior to me now.  It is just a little redemption fantasy that came full force into my thinking mind last evening. Driving home I imagined standing up on a platform reading from a book I had written and was promoting, looking down to see these people in the audience who look down their noses at me and mine, then wanting to claim that I am at par with them. 

Of course, it is kind of ironic that what I write here is often about our need to reflect on,  and be mindful of our conduct, our speech, and the energy we put out there. I was mindful last evening and I didn't like what I seen in me. Something deep and dark was triggered from within...something I thought I had already released. I  had to quickly come to terms that I hadn't. Sigh!

I had to once again be in the presence of the people who have hurt my family so much with their slander, gossip, accusations etc...none of which were true...yet they are still spewing this toxic garbage to anyone who will listen if it builds on the image of them as the only ones able to provide for the needs of certain others...well one is orchestrating the spewing by convincing and manipulating others to believe something I know in my heart she never believed to be true from the beginning. She is like a puppet master moving the strings of the people around her, manipulating and encouraging them to do the things she does not have the guts to do. (She is afraid of losing her kind and understanding social martyr's image which is nothing but a mask she wears.) And they do it...attempting to control and manipulate  the time we have with precious loved ones...convincing others that they are the only ones that can care for these beings in the way they need to be cared for and that we are , not only incapable, but spitefully harming them by not allowing them full access to them. All the lies have been proven in a court of law to just be lies. Whether or not the lawyer is, the court is on our side. We also have enough slander evidence to take many of them on in a defamation of character court action. Yet, we hesitate to do  that....the ripple effect of harming the beings we sincerely want to protect could be a consequence.   All we want is our uninterrupted time with these beings, loving them, taking care of them, watching them grow. They won't give us that. Why? Not because this one leader of this farce is actually concerned but because doing so would impinge on the image she worked so hard  to portray to the world...like their family are super beings that will not give up on their mission of rescuing others from the clutches of evil.  In that evil they claim to the world is real, exists only love, care, the meeting of needs, a passing on of values that may differ from their own...like teaching about the importance of being nonjudgemental and sincerely kind to all.  As well as lots of fun (They have fun with us...even with Nana and I have so much fun with them!) There is so much I can teach them, so much I can give them and I truly resent that they are not willing to allow that, proclaiming to be the only grandparents...like literally. So much maliciousness and desire to hurt exists in these motives ...it sticks to me like toxic waste when I am around them.And to think that long before these beings were born, I used to call them friends. That pain of shock and betrayal vibrates within me to the point sometimes I feel it will break me. It emerges whenever I see them or deal with their controlling or manipulating antics...brewing up like a volcanic eruption in something akin to hate. Hate! I couldn't believe I was feeling hate or something like it.

That is what I felt last evening...something like hate brewing up within me when they once again started interjecting on our time as if it was only their time. ...that we didn't exist as anything but villains and interruptions in their image seeking...that we had no rights and any semblance of such that they "allowed" was only out of the kindness of their hearts and not out of a court decree clearly expressing those rights.  Oh, they put their expectation in a form of a question but when the answer was no...then the strings started getting pulled. When the strings started to get pulled and the overbearing control started, we backed away. Just wanting to distance ourselves from them. When we backed away they got angry...and started doing the things they do in the way they do to regain control.  I felt it before I knew what was happening and I had to leave.  I rushed out because the feeling in me was so strong and so uncomfortable, I didn't want it in me. I knew it had to be released but was fearful of how it would be released.  I ran.

They are not repsonsible for this feeling inside me that emerged that I wanted to run from.Their behaviour and the new found clarity about their hurtful intentions is just a trigger.  I am responsible for allowing it to touch my stuff in such a reactive way.  I am responsible for my stuff. I have no control over them or  their behaviour but I need to master control over how I handle their behaviour.  I need to release this samskara within me that gets triggered when I am around people who I know have the belief they are superior or more deserving  and /or who have  the intention of hurting my loved ones. I feel that grandiosity induced maliciouness hidden behind the facade in more than one person in this group...but especially in her.  It is palapable and visceral. I feel it to the core and I know it is real. Yet, this that she feels and does is hers...not mine...I do not have to own it. No matter where she points her finger, it isn't mine. It is hers.  I do not have to absorb it the way I do, do I? I do not have to have my internal energy matching that, do I? I do not want to match that or be anything like her.

In an ideal world one could just stay far away from people like that, let them do what they do and allow truth to make things right in the way it does without our interference. Unfortunately, there are events where we will be in the same place and it is sooooo important that the little ones do not pick up any residue of what is happening between the adults.  I am confident that they see what needs to be seen in all of us, on this side, as far as sincerity and love. I want that to be enough from now. What others think is truly not important. I just want to have control ove rmy response.

I wanted to have control over my response last evening.  I wish this emotional reaction didn't emerge so violently at these times. I wish I could stay Zen when I am around these people...but the truth is that reaction was there for a reason...to show me what else I have to work on. I realize being in their presence is triggering a host of different samskaras at once. And that is good! I want this crap out....I want to release the shame, the core belief of my own unworthiness, my less- than mentality, trauma memories that their behaviour rubs against, this realization that this person -the first person I ever told my trauma story to- was never really a friend and probably wanted to hurt me from the very beginning, my own self-doubt in my ability to care for others without hurting them ( trauma thing) etc...so much. It all comes out in a big gush. 

Hmm!Again, they are not responsible for my reaction...I am. I need to release the thorns inside that they keep bumping against...then it won't matter what they do or don't do. I will not be so hurt by them...And karma will take care of the rest.

So, just like I release my expectations for my writing and other doings, I need to release my expectations of them being anyway other than the way they are, and me being anyway other than the way I am on this leg of the journey, whenever I am in their presence. It will take time to process the things that being around them brings up. I need to be kind to myself and patient.. I should even be thankful that they trigger these samskaras bringing them up to the surface for understanding and release. It was the farthest thing from their intention, but they are unknowingly helping me to heal, more than they are hurting me. Sigh! 

I will get there. 

All is well. 

Beyond the Entrenched Ego Programming

The personality is an entrenched ego programming, based on a biological and psychosocial need to belong. We create this personality for protection purposes and then we identify with this self concept, falsely believing it is who we are...

Me

Hmmm! That is the definition of personality I came up with as I was listening to Michael Singer's podcast today.  It is a definition that has been brewing inside me for a while now, intensified recently by recognition of this human's lingering concern about what others might think of her.  I could suddenly see so clearly how we build up these protective ego layers, attempt to become what others expect us to become, and do what we can to maintain our place in the pack. We create an ever-changing concept of self that we call "me".

What is the problem with this personality then? 

There is no self concept you can pick that works for everyone. 

Our desire is to create an image that will be okay for everyone, that will not hurt them, annoy them, displease them or make them say, "Strike Three! You're out!!!" How realistic is that?  Everyone is loaded with their own samskaras always on the verge of being triggered by things that we cannot always be aware of or control. Things about us are bound to bother others in some way. We cannot please everyone! 

It is not fun to live from this ego personality. Sure, there are times when everything we seem to do seems pleasing to others and we feel up. Even times when we surprisingly are extra pleasing to others and we feel elated! But it is impossible to maintain that level of successful people-pleasing functioning for ever. Things we do, say, think, believe...how we look, sound, smell...how we appear as these personalities...is going to be off putting to some at times. That's a given. We can not please everybody all of the time. 

We know that, and we live in fear of the moment we do not please someone, don't we? We are always hypervigilant, wondering and worrying about when the others who seem pleased with us now are going to see beyond the imposter costumes we tend to wear, and then reject us. 

So, how do we get beyond this ego conundrum?

According to Michael Singer, we simply notice the ego in action...be aware of its misguided attempts at protecting us from expulsion. Noticing, however, doesn't mean resisting. 

Don't shut her up, don't push her down, just nod. 

I try to be honest with myself and others when I notice my ego personality at work and my people pleasing tendencies. I try to call it out by saying, "Oh...there I go again, worrying about what others might think. Hmm! " 

I observe the human tendency to want the good opinion of others. From a distance, I explore it and look deeply into it. I allow it. I do not shut it up. I don't push the samskaras back down.  I notice them and allow them and all those old core beliefs to emerge. give them a nod and continue observing it all from a distance.  This tendency is definitely beginning to wear away.

Once I catch the ego personality in action I say something to the effect

...just stuff that got caught...I can let go now.

I go back to my inner work of allowing samskaras to be released. This "work" involves allowing for the slow digging away of layer after layer of personality, usually by life. In this case, every time, I do not match the desires or expectations of others, I know it is okay. This lack of approval or down right rejection is good for me. It helps with the inner work. I remind myself of the words Singer shares in the podcast

You've taken on the greatest challenge...the liberation of the soul...

I get back to work.

All is well.  

Michael Singer/ Temple of the Universe/ Sounds True ( May 8, 2026) The Illusion of Self: Breaking Free From ego. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GU1sVkx_pII&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=1

Love Beyond the Other

 Love is something you either do or don't do inside yourself...

Love has nothing to do with the other person...it is already in you.

Michael A. Singer

I am going to proclaim something very bold and others may call be "grandiose" for saying such a thing but, "I think very much like Michael Singer does! We have very similar perspectives and wave lengths." 

You or any other human hearing me say that might respond with, "No, you don't! You are just listening and learning from him and more or less regurgitating what he says."

There is some truth to that.  I do listen and learn so much from him. I do assimilate what he has to say, putting it in my own words...but... I was thinking like this long before I ever read "untethered soul".  I was studying yoga long before I knew he existed, coming to many of these realizations on my own. He, however, pushed me further into my understanding of these things by removing the "woo-woo"I kept tripping over, and presenting these ideas in a very practical and secular way.  I just loved the way he explains yoga purification and it inspired me to learn more about samskaras and how to release them...thus the book I am writing now. I do owe much of my learning to him, but not all of it.  Whatever was directing his learning, has also been directing mine...and  possibly yours...and somehow that learning has intersected.

We do differ in our approaches, as well.  I do not pay much attention to low hanging fruit, for example.  I want to dig to the roots of this experience of living. Where as he might say:

Don't dig down to get it [the deeply buried and painful samskara], let it come up to you.  Focus on the low hanging fruit in your samskara release practice first. (paraphrased)....

I say "dig!"

 I realize now it is not so much that we should dig to get to that samskara, it is more of a digging away of the layers on top that prevents those hidden samskaras from coming up. It is about clearing the path.

What are we shoveling away when we clear the path?

We are digging up the articial layers on top of that which we are hiding from. We are shoveling through those parts of the psyche, the false parts of this "me" ego identification that gets in the way of us experiencing who we truly are.  This samskara release approach I share is about removing, or more often, allowing Life to remove the false layers of personality that we over-identify with. If not the personality itself, at least our identificaton with it. 

I thought of that as I listened to the below linked podcast on Love. I recently had this very same conversation with another regarding our expectations for intimate relationships. We discussed how texpecting others to match our preferences gets in the way of allowing the other person to be exactly who they are. And at the same time, expectations lead to resistance of the  person being who they are, stopping them from triggering all our samskaras, so it is easier to remove what is truly in the way of our healing and therefore our innate ability to feel and experience love. Relationships are meant to rumble, shift, and loosen the earth above our samskaras ...to give us the incentive to clear the path  and make room for these samskaras to arise so we can deal with them. So, we can grow into who we truly are.

It is not so much that you love the other person...you love love...

Love is not about the other person.  It is about whether we are open or closed to the internal flow of it that comes form within. What closes the channel for this love to flow through.  Expectations of how someone should be in order for us to love them! 

If you want to feel love all the time...don't close your heart

We need to acept that people have their own sum of accumulated experiences governing how they see and respond to the world...that opens and closes their hearts. They are not there to keep our hearts from closing by matching all our expectations. The job of keeping our hearts open belongs to us...not them.

We need to stop resisting the "what isnness " of our experiences including the experience of relationship. In order to do that we need to surrender and accept.

Accept that people are not the way you want them to be

And reminding ourselves, as we look at the other person who didn't meet our expectations of them...

Nothing you did is worth closing my heart over.

I agree. I accept and learn to embrace these truths.

All is well!

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe/ Sounds True (June, 2026) Love is not Fund: It Is Unblocked. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjN9fHFHNEw&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=1

A Book and a Lot of Greats

 Harnessing your spiritual connection [to your deepest Self] isn't about what you know. It's about how deeply you feel. How honestly you live. And how courageously you are willing to show up as your truest self. 

Sean Collyns

Reading a great book with great writing on a topic that resonates greatly within me. It is with great surprise that I found myself enthralled with this book, written by a psychic medium with great public acclaim. I have a great deal of skepticism, as you know, when it comes to the genuine intentions and ability of psychic mediums. So, I am not sure why I listened when something from the "Great unknown" inspired me to click onto one of his reading sessions, and then led me to go to Amazon to purchase his book. I wasn't expecting much.  I really wasn't...just following that compulsion.  But I found the writing to be great.  And the topic matter...not so much about talking to dead people...but about growing at that deepest level of our being...to hit me right in my core with a great big, "Yes!" The book has had a great impact on me so far! 

That is a lot of "greats", isn't it? 

All is well

Sean Collyns (2026) Your Soul is the Source of Your Power. Hay House: Sydney

"What Will Others Think of 'Me' ?"

You will become way less concerned about what other people think of you when you realize how seldom they do. 

David Foster Wallace

I love the above quote and find myself laughing at this "me" a bit when I read it. I just spent hours editing a web page that I gave my most recent yoga students access to. Why? Because I was asking the question, "What will others think of 'me'?" I was programmed since childhood to ask that question whenever I did or was about to do something that would call attention to this "me". (Still hear my mother's shrill voice in my ears). 

I laugh because I am reminded by the above words how little people actually think of my "little me" when they are too busy thinking of their own. Of course, there are glorious moments when others think of us in a positive way. That's nice but that is something we cannot become attached to.  It is very brief and doesn't last before their mind takes them on another journey elsewhere. And if judging, finding fault, criticizing,  or rejecting any expression of my little me will help someone distract from the problematic focus of their little me or help to inflate it in some way...well, then maybe they will spend more than a moment or two out of their earthly life spans focusing on me and what I offer in a negative way. But even that is less than a blink of an eye in that life span...isn't it? It certainly isn't worthy of the time and focus we put into worrying about what they might think and what we attempt to do to rectify their opinion if it is negative . Crazy.

So, there I was going through my imperfect....but potentionally very helpful.... videos for anyone wanting to take yoga a bit farther... editing the notations, removing those that I thought would be too out there for this crowd..for any crowd actually. "Sprucing the place up for company" lol. All because that question was in my mind.  I offered a gift and like I do when I offer  gifts of me...I question, "What will others think of this me?" 

It is not an overwhelming thought...I have long sinced gotten past the concern I used to have for other opinion...but there are still traces there...leading me to question and revamp the value of my gifts in terms of what others might think of them, and me as a result.  Sometimes, I retract my gifts before the others actualy receive them. What a pity.

A gift is a gift. It is inspired, created, and passed on.  What others think of it is really none of my business after that. I know that...but....

There I was wondering what others would think of this gift and me as the creator and giver of it. sigh

It is funny how we assume people are going to think more of us than what they do, isn't it? What does it really matter anyway. We have one Life to live. We can't live for other opinion.

We give our gifts because that is what we are called to do...whether they are accepted by others or not.  The giving from the heart makes the giver's life  richer, if not the receiver's.

All is well

Act, Dream, Believe

 To accomplish great things we must not only act,but also dream; not only plan but also believe.

Analote France

A lot to unpack with that one...will be back.

All is well

The Thoughtless Gap

[When you are in that still space, that gap between thoughts] the unconditioned consciousness can act and speak through you.

Eckhart Tolle

I know I spend much more time than I ever did in that gap. I see myself slipping into it when I look out at the tops of the flowers emerging from the window box; when I am watching the birds at the feeder, or listening to their songs. 

I really feel it when I am walking in the woods...one step at a time on the path that just goes around in one big circle with no beginning, no ending. Like the moment I suppose.  As I walk without any real thought of "doing", I take in all the sensory information: poplar trees, bigger and older than I have ever seen before, beautiful birch and cedar, new leaves emerging, the smell of honey suckle and apple blossom, the buzzing of insects, the sound of wind or rain in the branches; the huffing and puffing of my dogs as they sniff about tugging and pulling at the leash.  Though I am recalling and recording description now, at the time there is no thinking about these things; no narration- just the felt experience and awareness of them. Time slips away...there is no "when I..." there is just "this, here, now." 

I am not aware at those times of being in the thoughtless gap that I, as one of 8.3 billion human beings,  am experiencing "presence"...I am not aware of a "me" and an "it".  The moment just is and I am it. Everything, including me, all tangled up in one perfect moment of existence. 

It isn't until I reflect on it like I am doing now that I see that I was aware, in a thoughtless gap. Then athe writing comes...the unconditioned consciousness acts and speaks through me and reminds me of where we humans are menat to be.

Hmm!

All is well.

Samma Ditthi

 Life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans.

John Lennon

I have been contemplating the purpose and meaning of Life for quite some time. Wondering how best can we humans experience these gifts of Life we have been given to play with for a few decades of earthly time? I came up with this after listening to this Sounds True offering today:   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKBiaOnoMmg

Your life takes its shape from what your mind dwells upon...

Huh? 

Your personal mind takes its shape from what the individual dwells upon on...Your brain takes its shape from what the mind focuses on (neuroplasticity)...Your body takes the shape from what the brain focuses on. Are we, then, what the mind focuses on and can we then control body and life by changing the way we think? 

What I got from this is that...yes...it can and we do need to work with our minds if we want to change the lives we are living. We also need to change our view of the world...what we are looking on and what we are expecting from that which we are looking on.

Does that mean that we are shaping what it is we are looking at? That we are creating lives of struggle and scarcity or lives of abundance and ease? That we have the power to get what we want by changing our thoughts and manifesting etc.? 

"Can I use my spiritual powers of will to force the moments in front of me to be the way I want them to be?...

Yes, you can ,,,,but I feel sorry for you...cuz there's a whole lot of people who didn't want it that way and they didn't get  to have it the way it naturally would have been....

So, there is a ripple effect of manifesting that goes beyond the wants and desires of the "little me" that we often fail to consider? We do not tend to explore the far reaching consequences of getting what the "little me" wants ...how pulling that from the universe may impact other beings, nature, karma, the natural flow of universal laws. 

So much of manifesting is all about the "little me's" desire to be comfortable, isn't it? It isn't about experiencing the natural flow of reality or about why we are wanting to manifest certain outcomes in the first place. What we fail to see is that the answer to our so called pursuit of happiness is not about manifesting and changing the "out there", it is about dealing with the "in here."

This brings me right back to where I was in my discomfort...back to the painful but neccessary process  purification.

Either you accept reality and let go of  the garbage you stored inside because you couldn't handle the realiy that happened before, or you go out and try to manipulate reality to be the way you want it to be right now....what about everyone else? 

Maybe the big question isn't so much, "How can I change the neuroplasticity in "my" brain, so both "my" Life and "my" health are more comfortable for "me"."  Maybe it isn't about, how can I learn to manifest so I can change what shows up in front of "me".  Maybe the big question is how do I view reality now?

The big question is: 

How do we tend to view reality when things happen? The "right way" or the "wrong way"?

The first "Right" in the Buddhist Eight Fold Path is "Right View" or Samma Ditthi. Right View is all about seeing reality exactly as it is. It is all about seeing Life through the Four Noble Truths: There is suffering; more importantly, there is a cause for that suffering (our pulling in and pushing away from our experiences based on our preferences) and there is a way to get beyond suffering- the Eight-Fold Path.

The practice of right view is to make a choice, moment by moment, not to focus our gaze on what we want things to be, nor to ignore the parts we wish were not there, and not to close our eyes. Its looking at what is right in front of us. Koun Franz/ Lion's Roar

Can you look at what is right in front of you? Can you accept Life for what it is, even when painful things happen? 

Can I honor and accept its [the happening's] right to exist? Singer

Most of us are taught to resist those things, aren't we? To pretend, deny, hide, avoid, numb, suppress and repress. First, we judge the happening as being good or bad, right or wrong, should be or shouldn't be. Then, if it is painful...we close our eyes! Our judgements and resistance prevent us from experiencing the lives we were given to experience fully. 

It is not that it is good or bad, right or wrong- it just is.... Why? ...It is because...

I have been having a challenging time over the course of the last few months.  I have been practicing samskara release through purification for years now...which simply means attempting to heal by releasing all that stored trauma etc from within.  I am really getting somehwere with that.  I have, or life has, peeled away so many layers and I have hit the samskara layers. It isn't easy when all that stuff that was stored in pain comes back up to conscious awareness. I spent my life running from it and here it is ...smack dab in my face and I have to deal with it for the first time probably. Yuck!  I have also been looking around at these present "life circumstances" I erroneously call "my life". ...and sometimes, despite my awareness and practice, find myself judging it as "bad, wrong, shouldn't be". I resist the moment by wanting something other than it. I also personalize the experience by focusing on this human's little slice of existence, saying things like, "When is this human going to catch a break?"

After months of narrowing this focus of awareness...this view...down onto the "me" and its problematic life drama, it was getting really dark and heavy in here.  I just wanted happy change...for things "out there"  to become easier, so I could feel better "in here".  So, I began this week to dream and visualize, positively affirm, and attempt to manifest a better life.  Now, I know there is nothing wrong with doing that. Science has proven that hope and positivity are powerful energies that can change the neuroplasticity of our brains, and therefore our life experience. It is much better to focus on the positive than it is to focus on the negative.

 I found myself in the last couple of days looking into the idea that maybe I can change the reality of what is happening around me and to this "me" by changing my perspective, my view.  By being more positive and hopeful...by ...heaven forbid... "manifesting".  Though I loved the increase in energy, the focus didn't really feel right. Why? This type of focus  keeps me from exploring the real question that will set me free. 

How can I accept, allow, and honor life as it is? 

The temporary manifesting focus was all about 'me'...this entity that is really nothing more than a self concept. It was denying the truth that though I could, through this powerful mind once it is trained, get what I desire.... Life isn't here to serve this "me"...it isn't all about "me". I am just one of 8.3 billion humans on this planet. My time here is just a blink of an eye. What can I know in this blink of an eye compared to what the planet, which has been here for 4.5 billion years, knows...and the cosmos which has been here for over 13 billion years knows?  

It isn't all about me and my desires or aversions. This idea of "me" is in the way of the true experience of Life. That being said, we do need to love all of who we are, including this me identity, I believe, in order to truly love others, to truly love and experience Life.  We also have to gently love this "self" away....if that makes sense... with Right View. Hmm! Back to the drawing board and not the dream board for this human.

A great spiritual being... they don't want it to be the way they want...they don't have a want...there is just experiencing reality and doing what can be done to raise the energy in that moment.

All is well! 

Michael Singer/Temple of the Universe/ Sounds True ( June 1, 2026)  You don't need to Rise; You Need to Release. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=goVMUe6yJrA

Koan Franz (May 24, 2023)  The Eight Fold Path: Right View in Lion's Roar.  https://www.lionsroar.com/right-view/

Sounds True ( May 31, 2026) Your Brain Was Built for Predators...https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKBiaOnoMmg

Yoga Anyone?: A Blast from the Past

 Here is a little something I originally did up for my yoga students during the pandemic. I just ran across it recently...had forgotten all about it. Thought it was worthy of sharing with anyone who might benefit.

Be patient.  Takes a few minutes to download.

https://express.adobe.com/page/tWkqUA9YwK13m

All is well!

Hope's Light

 Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all the darkness.

Desmond Tutu

The sun is shining brilliantly and I feel my heart lighter than it has been in days. I am experiencing...ugh...what I believe is...hope? Something I often dismiss as an unhealthy defense mechanism. Hope... yes...I am experiencing the lightness of hope. I am not weighed down by the heavy clouds that have followed me around for days ( both literally and figuratively) and the weight of "This is it! It is only going to get worse from here" that I was trudging around carrying. I feel a relief of that weight, that darkness, as I look out at blue sky.

It wasn't the change in weather that brought this on (though it definitely helps). It was a requested sign or a few different signs I received from, let's just say, "the universe". I have been praying, intending, asking to be shown a way through this darkness and I got signs that things are going to change for this human...more or less told that she has done the work required and it is time to step off the hamster wheel of effort she put herself on, taking her nowhere. Things are gong to change as long as she stays out of the way with her resisting tendencies.  

So, here I am. Allowing hope...that feeling expereince I tend to discredit...guiding the way.

All is well.

Obeying the Compulsion

 

Let yourself be drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will never lead you astray.

Rumi

Here I go with the shorts again and I am not sure why.  Other than..."It seemed like a good idea at the time." lol.

Some kind viewer, more than one actually, suggested that I would get more views with the shorts, leading to more subscribers.  I never really set out to get subscribers...a few views for sure...but not subscribers so much. I just wanted to be able to practice my speaking and my ability to pass on what I was learning in hope of it being of benefit to another. I wanted it to be more about Self than self. That was my mission.

 But because ego is still around, I found myself looking at the numbers much more than I like, and wondering how I could get more.  I already have the lecture hall past full capacity in terms of subscribers, why do I want more? Still, I heeded the advice and even enjoyed the immediate ego gratification publishing shorts offered. I received more views, more likes, and an immediate "I see you; I hear you!" reward for doing what I do here. I got more subscribers. 

When this happens I get all confused about the purpose of my being here doing what I do in the videos and this blog. Ironically, I pulled out a question from the jar the other day that led to this answer and subsequently the short above:

All is well.

Just Something You are Experiencing?

 

Depression is an invitation.  It is the first phase guiding us into an awakening. Depression leads to transcendence and we can track that in the brain. We find that when people find the yearning and struggle, it is the precursor; it is the annuciation, of a spiritual expansion coming. If we say yes to it and walk the full path. So, the next time you start to feel anxious or depressed or we aren't getting what we want...that is not a bad thing. https://www.youtube.com/shorts/t946xC_wCzM

I have been waking up every morning with this big knot of sadness, confusion, and a sense of being stuck in me.  Every morning lately, I feel like I, as a little human, am a mess. Why? For several reasons that have nothing to do with the reality of the experience.  It is not the sadness, the struggle, the feeling stuck and displaced that is the problem. 

What is the cause then crazy lady? 

There are many reasons. The first cause is that I am bringing my focus down to this "me".

We are a mess because we don't keep things in perspective....Everything comes down to "me". Michael Singer

We are a mess because we are taking it personally, when it isn't personal. We are spinning off and wallowing in self pity. Pema Chodron, paraphrased.

The second cause is I am also resisting it. I feel like this experience is "bad, wrong, shouldn't be".  I struggle against the what isness of it. According to Pema Chodron, I am spinning out away from what is. 

There is a difference between pain and suffering. Pain is the what isnness of the experience and the suffering is lack of acceptance of reality. Pema Chodron, paraphrased

That leads to the third reason. I am not collaborating with reality. I am not accepting the suchness or the what isness of the moment.  In those moments I am feeling sad, I am feeling confused about where I am and where I am supposed to go from here, and  I am feeling stuck in an unwanted set of circumstances.  It doesn't feel good.  But this is the experience I am having.  It is what it is. My resistance of reality cause the suffering. 

"I don't want to experience this...I don't want to experience reality" Good luck! (Singer)

I am not seeing the beauty of simply being able to experience this as it is. 

Beauty? What beauty could be in this experience of pain?

First of all, it is a perfect and beautiful sign  of a much needed debridement ...of a healing taking place. 

Say what, crazy lady? Depression is  sign of a healing?

Yes, I believe it to be.  In this case, for this human, anyway. So many false layers of protective personality have been removed over the last few years. This protective personality may have stopped me from feeling this sadness I am experiencing now...but that sadness was there for decades.  It is something I stuffed and stored years ago. I built these layers of Redeemer Ego around it in the form of a personality, a false, 'masquerading' self...but that personality became like unhealthy tissue preventing the tissue beneath it from growing and being truly healthy. In this process of waking up, Life has removed many of those false layers through circumstance and I, finally realizing the unhealthiness of this outer tissue, cooperated and did my part in removing it. Together we have exposed the vulnerable tissue underneath and it stings.  I am seeing it and experiencing it as it is....for the first time in decades. It and all that has contaminated my life is now free to be released. The process is painful leading to such emotions...but it is a necessary part of true healing.

How else can such a heart wrenching feeling be beautiful?

Because it is reality and reality is beautiful as it is. This, that we get to experience in every given moment...be it considered "good, bad, or ugly" by the personality... is beautiful for consciousness ...and consciousness doesn't get all tangled up in the personalization of it like personal mind does. A moment of depression is one of many different experiences consciousness gets to have. In those moments when I wake up with that knot in my gut, consciousness gets to have that experience through this human I call me. 

The moment you are experiencing is a special experience...it has never happened before and it will never happen again and o are the one that is experiencing it. Singer

The moment I notice the knot in my gut, that feeling of sadness, that anxiety, that sense of being stuck and this need to do something about it, can be a wonderful, precious experience. Why? Because  consciousness is having it.  It is like consciousness is saying, "Oh, so this is what it feels like for this human I call "me" to be stuck in in an experience it isn't sure it wants." 

Depression  gives us a chance to fall back away from overidentification with little me and back into the perspective of consciousness. ...to observe what the human is experiencing without the attachment of "me, my, and mine". Who is feeling the suffering? Just the resisting "little me". Sure, consciousness has the experience of pain and discomfort, as it is here to experience amongst all the other things it can experience, but it doesn't have to get all caught up in  the suffering that only personal mind can generate.

"I am the one in here experiencing this..." 

Suffering forms like depression, then, can help us to expand away from our focus on little me and into the spiritual experience

Once we recognize that we can use our suffering in a beautiful way to take the mind from me and into our interbeingness with everyone and everything, according to Pema Chodron. In a paraphrased form of her blessing, I will leave you with this:

May our personal suffering...instead of being something that causes us to turn protectively inward and close off ... become a vehicle for understanding the shared experience of humanity through compassion for the like suffering of others... 

All is well

Andre Duquim/Know ThySelf ( ?) Depression Might Actually Be the Beginning of Your Awakening.https://www.youtube.com/shorts/t946xC_wCzM

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe/Sounds True (May, 2026) The Truth About Acceptance: Why Resisting Reality Causes Suffering. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AiXOOd4iiNo&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=1

Pema Chodron/Sounds True. (May 27, 2026) Why Pulling Away From What is Hard Always Makes It Worse https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfCwjumpJRY&t=4s

Doing Great Things?

 If I cannot do great things, I will do small things in a great way.

Martin Luther King Jr

I may never be known for doing great things in this lifetime. I may never do great things. I may never be recognized, appreciated, or rewarded for what I put out there. That's okay. I can still offer the bit I have to the world and hope that someone or something finds some type of benefit in it. Can't I?  As long as I am serving Life in some small way...isn't that enough?

All is well

Stealing the Mind from Care?

 Flowers with the sweetest odors 

filled all the sunny air,

and not alone refreshed the sense, 

but stole the mind from care.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I sit here at the small table that fits this space, looking out at the tops of my flowers recently planted into boxes outside my windows. They themselves, in their natural splendor are beautiful...the boxes...not so beautiful. They are too small for the window frames.  I was hoping that it would be okay but I know from my research into expert opinion that the box should match or be bigger than the window frame itself. Sigh! I assume they look "tacky!". Once again, I did something imperfect and I am now wondering and worried about what others will think. This return of a thought focus I have been without for many months, I know, is a carry over from the open vulnerability I experienced yesterday. 

I am not like other people in the way I view things.  What is okay for me in my domestic attempts is not okay for most.  I realize that.  I look at nature and see the perfect beauty in the imperfect disorder of it. I do little to manipulate or control it...and when I do it all feels so wrong to myself and likely to others who are witnessing my awkward attempts. I just wanted flowers growing in their own lovely way in front of my house and that is exactly what they are doing. Why does it matter what type of box they are in or how they appear to humans? The wasps who are still in control of this household, because of my fear of them :), like the flowers just as they are. 

It is all good. It is all as it is.

"So Be It!"

Mind can be the biggest trap, or the biggest liberator. The personal mind is the biggest trap... and you are completely addicted to it.... Do you know what liberation means? Freedom from the personal mind....The personal mind is a problem...Are you willing to look underneath that?   You [can]eventually let it go...becoming nobody. 

Michael A. Singer 

 "So be it!"

Imagine being able to say that to everything that unfolds in front of us or through us, regardless of what it is. 

How I long to be able to say. "So, be it!"  to every experience life hands this human I call me to feel its way through. Why don't I?  This "me" is still there, addicted to the personal mind, reacting to circumstances where it perceives it is being judged, criticized, or expected to be less than others.  

There are people in this life experience, whom I love dearly, but who, without meaning to, poke that samskara within me that shouts, "You are not only not enough but you deserve to be shamed, criticized and punished for your less than normal efforts. " These individuals are good and amazing people who just happen to have a lot more than this human has. They earned their success and I am truly happy for them. Yet, personal mind still tends to feel "less than" when I am with them...not good enough in anything I do or say.  As a result, I find myself sometimes ingenuine...attempting to create image, please in some ways; becoming overly defensive, and self protective in others. 

Are they responsible for this feeling experience within me? 

No! Absolutely not. I am the only being responsible. I am simply experiencing samskara triggering while in their presence.  I stuffed and stored very radio-active and sensitive-to-explosion stuff within me.  Being that the shame samskara is already making its way to the surface, and I have already peeled away so many  layers of ego-self  that once offered at least some form of false protection from the world, this humanis very vulnerable and 'sensitive'. It is much easier for others to trip over the invisible trigger line, to expose, aggravate, and ignite this toxic stuff I stored inside....without even realizing they ever did. It doesn't take much these days to stir up my insides. The samskara ridden personalities of others, unknowingly, tend to stir up these inner emotional currents and core beliefs from this human's personality.  

And that is a wonderful thing to a mind that wants to be free from the trap of personal mind! 

So, be it!

I woke up feeling this innocently triggered samskara of shame and unworthiness once again in the center of my core. It made its wiggling and writhing way up to conscious awareness. I didn't squish it back down, though personal mind was strongly encouraging me to do so. I said , "So be it!" and  I sat with it.  I could see where it was coming from, and why, but I didn't dwell on story. The tears came. I allowed them. 

So, be it!

Once I took a step back, I could also see that the experience was a result of a personal mind trap. In my addicted tendency,  I was directing this amazing, infiniitely wide consciousness, the impersonal mind, to once again stare down at the "little me."  I realized, I was allowing my perception of Life to be all about me again. So, I took another deep breath and another mental step backwards. I recited my intention to "open, release, purify, heal, align, love self, expand my heart, live life through Love, and to find freedom in awakening".   I breathed my way through the physical and emotional discomfort, honoring both. I released that which was ready for release and then I went back to the business of living.  Hmmm! 

There is still a big knot in my belly but it is getting smaller and smaller with every release, with every trigger. 

So be it!

I may not appear to be much on the outside to others. That is true. An imperfect human who has little, does little, offers little but a few imperfect gifts to the world. But...I also know that is just the way personal minds, including mine, may see it. It is not who I am. 

What is inside you is more beautiful than anything you could ever feel [or show] from the outside. 

I am becoming "nobody" and I am  greater for it.

So, be it!

All is well.

Michael A. Singer ( May, 2026) The Impersonal Nature of Reality. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LffWNeYwXVY

Beyond the Being Thought

 You don't think.  You are being thought by thought.

Eckhart Tolle

Then when we start to catch ourselves thinking, we might want to remind ourselves...

The recognition of thought is not a thought. The recognition of thought comes through awareness or presence, and the awareness or presence is the higher consciousness, the arising new consciousness.

Tolle

All is well.

Eckhart Tolle. ( May 2026) What Most People don't Undersatnd About Spiritual Awakening.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wLN1A7x2OHk&t=595s

Be You?

 To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying  to make you something else is the greatest accomplishent.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

In other words...it is tough to be who you truly are in a world trying to condition you through shame and fear to be someone that matches social norms, convictions, and expectations but being so is a great acheivement.

So that being you and "doing you" refers to who we are  "personality" wise, I suppose and appeals to the mind set still stuck on that level of thinking, which would be most of us, right? So, Emerson could be saying if you find yourself in a physical body, relationship, role, or life situation that doesn't match who you feel you are pronoun wise, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or in any other way ....do something about it. Be you. Do you...If you can follow your heart even when society judges, criticizes, condemns, you are acheiving something great.

I agree...but...we can take it deeper than being who we are at the little self level, can't we? We can learn to be who we truly are beyond the gender identifications, the roles we play, the circumstances of our lives, how we think, and how we feel.  We can seek to be the Self that exists beyond the self. Now, that to this "me" is the real acheivement. To see the One "us" or the One "I"  as the only pronouns needed...is the true accomplishment of this life time, wouldn't you say?

All is well. 

What Would Happen if You Stopped Staring at Yourself?

 You are running away from what you know will close you, and you are running to what you think will open you.

Michael Singer

Imagine what life would be like if we were not constantly staring at this "little me" we believe ourselves to be. What would our experiences be like if we stopped running to and from everything in life in order to protect this sensitive heart, but settled, instead, into the special spaciousness of what is? Hmm! It would be a lot easier, wouldn't it be? It would be alot more joyful and peaceful. 

We need to learn to keep the heart open.

All is well

Michael Singer/ Sounds True/ Temple of the Universe ( May, 2026) Stop Closing Your Heart. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfknZDd6FaA

Real Danger! Real Fear?

 

Danger is very real, but fear is a choice.

Will Smith

I spent the rest of the day yesterday, after that posting, afraid and building on that fear the way that humans do.  I Googled! 

I discovered, during the extensive Google search, that we likely have a large colony or many colonies of European Paper Wasps ( an "invasive species" ) in the attic and wall boards of this house...thus their appearing inside when all openings out seem to be sealed.  The numbers we have inside in a run of a day (anywhere from six to 20) are a fraction of the numbers we are seeing outside, and the numbers we are seeing outside are likely even a smaller fraction of the numbers inside their colonies. So, I started to envision this really, really big collection of colonies above my head. I then read how Paper Wasps could chew through dry wall and how colonies could then swarm through ceilings to attack those below whom they naturally assume are responsible for their new exposure. I also read how strange vibrations down stairs could aggravate the defensive gaurds in those attic nests to do what they feel they are there to do. The numbers above my head kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger and more dangerous in my mind's eye as I learned all this. 

Just as I was reading that and imagining a swarm of angry wasps landing on my head, I could hear a certain hum in the vent leading to the roof. I thought it was just my imagination until the dogs began to bark and sure enough two wasps came down through the vent as if instigated by the dog bark. Caught up in what I read and what the mind can do with its catstrophic thinking, my amygdala and I freaked.  I began to run outside but when I opened the porch door one of the usually non-aggressive wasps began flying at the glass door...(sensing my panic maybe?) ...I slammed that and found myself stuck in the kitchen between the guy outside and the two flying around inside, and all the others I imagined were  above my head. 

At this point, I had no epipen...I grabbed my phone and called the pharmacy to order one. I then sent an "I -am -really -panicking -here -and-need-you-to-do-something -but -I -am -going -to -pretend -I -am -not" text to D. who was golfing. I explained that I needed him to pick up the pen on the way home and why. I began to call and talk to people I know to casually speak of the wasp situation and my possible need for a place to crash for a few days.  When I explained the situation ...especially when I told them I woke up with one on me this morning...they, of course, reacted in a way that my dramatic ego mind liked and in a way my amygdala spent its life waiting for. "Oh Great...a legitimate reason to do my job!"

And the fear and the obsession increased. ...as did the activity of the two wasps floating around in my living room. (There has to be something to that...seriously...they must be able to pick up on the vibration of fear and because of their own hive mind, individual insects must pick up external tension as if being signaled to defend from a threat all at once...I am sure people study that phenomenona and I would be interested in reading more on it. ...but definitely not while I am still living in this house lol). Anyway, I tried going outside again...but buddy said "Nope!" as he again came at the glass. I was a mess...a big cortisol loaded mess. And I was stuck...spent hours in the kitchen. I did not have the same passive compassion and respect I had for the  wasps earlier that day, let me tell ya! Fear was bigger than all of us.

The danger was indeed real but maybe not to the extent I thought it was. Fear could have distorted the reality of the danger. I wanted my epipen, convinced that would make me feel safer at least. I called D. again to casually ask if he was almost home.  He wasn't...he was just leaving the greens. I am sure he must have heard the panic in my voice. I chastised myself , "Oh my gosh...you feel trapped between creatures that are only one inch long. Come on!  What's up with that?" 

Then I  tried to soothe the mind, " Well maybe I am not anaphylactically allergic. I mean, I was stung on the tip of my finger by that tiny little hornet years ago and all that happened is that my hand and arm swelled up. I didn't have any other systemic sympmtons (it was a tiny hornet). Maybe all I will have is a large local reaction if I get stung by one (or many) of these guys."  But then the memories of that day I got stung by a big yellow jacket in Brownie camp years ago flooded me.  I got so sick then...swelled up so much...arms, neck, face so quickly.  I vomited and passed out within minutes as well. Yeah...I know I am allergic. The danger is real and knowing that makes me choose fear:  "I need that epipen!"

So, I waited in the kitchen for hours until he came home. When he did finally arrive, he removed the wasps from the house and porch, tried to seal up the vent, and proceeded to explain how he was going to handle the problem on his own.  He got some pesticide from the neighbour.  I pointed out that we do not know where the nests are.  We cannot follow them in to one particular spot with a spray or dust because the openings are everywhere!  I counted about twenty spots where they can be observed coming in and out of from one end of the house to another. Where does he spray..??  That makes it quite complicated.He didn't seem to hear me.

Like he tends to do ( no judgement...just observation), he reduced the significance of the problem to a level of concern that was under realistic...but... it soothed me. I took a deep breath and  I gave it back to him to handle. I stopped focusing on wasps for the rest of the evening...(that is until I heard a buzz or seen another one floating around the house for him to remove.lol) I showed him how to use the epipen in case I can't. With no sight of a wasp, the problem went out of our minds...more out of his than mine maybe.  I still remain a bit too vigalent for my liking. 

I realize that I can not stay here. I have to leave  until the problem is fixed. I do not want to harm these wasps but I cannot risk my life either.  I have to leave the problem with him...he is not allergic and it is his house...I strongly encouraged a professional assessment and a gentle approach ...but it is his to handle in any way he chooses. I...in this human body...need to step out of the way.  These guys may never sting me (though D. got stung at least once) but I decided I value my life enough not to take that chance. I don't hate the wasps or even resent them.  Let's just say I respect them lol. And I would like to respect them from a distance while D. takes care of the problem.  That's all. So after my yoga class tomorrow, I will move in with my daughter until the problem is taken care of.  The wasps and I cannot be roommates. This is how Life was telling me to ripple. They showed up in my life for a reason. I just need to go with it.

The danger is real but the fear is a choice. I cannot live in a place where I am constantly  'reasonably' afraid of a very real danger that will get larger and larger as time passes. This is, afterall, only spring and if we are seeing numbers this large now...imagine what it will be like in late summer. 

All is well. 

Wiggling?

 Taoism teaches you to wiggle all the way through...not only from foot to head, but  from one end of space to the other. To learn to be with the wiggle is the Tao.

Alan Watts

What is the wiggle?

It is mutuality...where there is an accord to move together like dancers who are wonderfully  partnered so you don't know which one is leading and which one is following...and that is how you act in concord with your environment...you arise together ...not necessarily in time...

In other words, we are One with the ever changing nature of phenomena, of our passage through Life. We need to dance with it instead of try to control it. 

Nothing could look more different than a bee and a flower but they are one single orgnism...tied together by things that are not so visible to us but visible to the bee. They arise mutually....come into being together.

You, as an individual, arise mutually with the rest of the universe... 

We wiggle when we flow with nature, allowing it to be as it is, becoming its partner not its boss. 

I try to wiggle my way through Life.  I have literally been wiggling alot lately. Moving here and moving there like a straw floating on the surface of an ever flowing stream that is sometimes smooth, many times choppy but always moving. 

I am wiggling even more now wondering what to do next. This human is presently experiencing a challenge in  this present living situation.  I am observing  nature doing what nature does but a little too close to home,  in a way that any partnership with it creates a survival risk for  this body I call mine.

Wiggling and Dancing with the Paper Wasps

Paper wsaps are interesting facets of nature. They do a lot of good in the spring, keeping the numbers of certain insects in check. (They are carniverous). And unlike other wasps they are not overly aggressive and are very cooperative. Though a colony will stick with their queen from the beginning, staying in the same nest she built all season...they will allow other paper wasps to set up colonies near by creating a whole city of different nests. There appears to be hundreds, and I mean literally, hundredsof paper wasps colonizing under the shingles of this roof and inside its many age induced cracks and crevices. They are constantly circling around the house from all angles going in and out many different holes. They gather in this little porch in the dozens.  They group together in great numbers in between the panes of these little windows to the point it is difficult to see outside. And they get inside. Despite the  closing of the windows and D's constant attempts at gathering and removing live bodies to the outside, there is always a few flying around in here. I woke up with one on me this morning.

So, crazy lady?

This human body is allergic to wasp stings.  I don't have an epi-pen.  (Not having an epipen is totally on me...very irresponsible... being that  I am 30 minutes away from the hospital. I need to rectify that...okay  this part doesn't fit into the story I am trying to tell lol). Not having emergency protection is my doing.  The wasp infestation, however, is nature's doing. Nature is just doing what it does.  The wasps are just doing wat they do and my immune system will do what has become natural for it- over react. Sigh!

Though these  paper wasps are not naturally aggressive...they will sting if aggravated or when other beings get  near their nests. The problem is we do not know where those nests are.  Because of the number of these wasps...and I am saying hundreds floating around this little house at a given time...there must be several nests in the roof and in other places we cannot see or get to...therefore we cannot do something about each nest. 

I don't like to kill anything. I especially do not want to kill any pollinators. (I fear the numbers of pollinating insects...despite what is around my house ...are dropping...Maybe the last of the world's paper wasps are congregating here. lol). I definitely do not want to call in an exterminator or to use pesticides that would also harm the few bees I see in the yard, the hummers, and the birds I am feeding.  No, I cannot do that, not only because I sincerely wish no harm on anything, but because I truly see the interbeingness of everything. I KNOW we are all so deeply, deeply connected in ways we cannot see or understand with our limited minds. Harming anything, then, doesn't make any sense.

So, I do not know what to do. Do I just let nature be of itself?

Yes, I need to get an epi-pen! Then what?  

This is only spring. Right now wasps are just looking to build their nests, populate and eat meat.  They are going about their business looking for insect larvae etc. Come summer, however, they are going to have a wicked sweet tooth and even the paper wasps will be a little testy. How am I going to go about my business then?  I have ordered all my gardening suff with the intention of adding a bit of natural beauty to the front of the house. Even if I have an epi-pen, its protection ability is limited. After each subsequent sting, the reaction gets worse. To run into a nest...well that could be the end of me in this body. 

So, as I float down this stream, wiggling and dancing with the paper wasps I ask the question, "Do I need to leave this place?  Is this nature's way of saying, "I want this dance to be over because you keep stepping on my toes crazy lady!Go elsewhere. It's time for you to leave. This is not your home?"

I mean regardless if I stay or leave does  something have to be done about the wasps?  The numbers are so great it is dangerous for any human. Even D. could be severely harmed if they all decide to go after him at once for constantly tapping on the roof to see where they are...as he does to no avail. They come out of so many places.  And he needs to replace the roof which could prove lethal if there are many, many nests under the shingles like I assume there is. Like I am not exaggerating...the numbers are ridiculous. 

So, when I can get through the porch to go outside, I find myself just standing there looking out at one of nature's many perfect creations flying around the house, asking, "WT Frontdoor are we going to do about this?" and more importantly, "Which way is Life asking me to wiggle now?"

I know that just because I am human my life is no more valuable than the wasp's because my life is the wasp's. It is so strange knowing this.

Deepen your consciousness...go down to the roots where it ceases to be you.

All is well. 

Alan Watts/Official Alan Watts Org. ( May, 2026) Alan Watts-Being in the Way 2: On Taoism, Energy, and the Illusion of Separateness. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LE3G7GC3HnU

In the Bardo?

 Right now is a bardo and has a lot of possibility for growth and happiness...It is continously arising, dwelling, and ceasing. 

Pema Chodron

What is a bardo, crazy lady?

A bardo, according to Pema Chodron and Tibeten Buddhists is a gap, an in-between state, where something has ended and something new has yet to begin.  

In Pema Chodron's life, it came as a state of groundlessness, where she reports she experienced a loss of bearings. Part of her wanted nothing more than to go back to what was familiar but at the same time she had a deeply intuitive feeling about the possibility of it. She told herself:

This is a chance of a lifetime...soemthing just disappeared on me and I am in this pregnant place where anything can happen, and I can go anywhere I want. I kept oscillating between the great possibility and the terror and wanting to go back

Being in this bardo, what I would refer to as the dark night of the soul, is said by Buddhist teachers to be an experience where we are  torn between wanting to leap and wanting to go back to the familiar (nostalgia).

I am not sure where I am in this dark night. I definitely feel the groundlessness of it.  I feel unsettled.  Part of me wants to run back to what is familiar and the other part of me is excited (also terrified) about leaping into what Life will give me next. It is like I have one foot, or at least, the toes of one foot in the past and the toes of the other foot in the what-could-be...I keep shifting my weight from one foot to the other. 

Though I have an adventerous spirit, both my amygdala and this neurotic personality, which is always trying to prevent the samskaras stuffed within from resurfacing, doesn't like the instability and unpredictability of groundlessness and uncertainity. It wants to go back to what it knew. 

Spirit, however, is stronger and louder these days. so though I will still empty the weight from that foot pointing in the direction of the unknown and the "Great possibility "at times, I will more often lean back on it with all my weight. Hmm! Part of me is so excited about what awaits this human there, even though she is scared sh$#less at times and still finds herself wanting to go back...both physically and mentally to what she knew.  There is no going back mentally though.  I realize that. I cannot unlearn what I learnt.  Once we get this far in our awakening process, there is no going back....just forward.

All is well.

Content or Burdened?

 A humble spirit does not ask for more than it  needs, and what it needs the Universe provides. A humble spirit is content with the fulfillment of its authentic needs,and is not burdened with artificial needs. page 216

Gary Zukav

I am thinking about humility. I know at the core  I  am a humble spirit,...we all are. Self doesn't need pride, redemption, or anthing of that nature.

But ego does. 

Spirit is humble, ego isn't.  Ego still lingers around in most of us. I know it is still a part of this human experience. It is partly repsonsible for my  coming here, and for the publishing of the videos I create. It is constantly looking for a distraction away from reality.  Though it was never expected by anyone, I am sure...it found a bit of both distraction and redemption and it is running with it. Ego has thusly developed a need to check to see how many people read these entries everyday, according to the Stats page. It also checks how many views the videos I put up have and then there are the shorts.

Ego and the Shorts 

Ego likes those video shorts, I am discovering. I resisted doing them for fear I would be feeding Shamer ego by shoving them in people's faces and making a fool of myself. After much encouragment, however, I decided to try it. Was not sure, in the beginning, if it was ego or Soul hoping to gain by that decision. Now, I am discovering it is Redeemer Ego who is gaining. The shorts kind of redeem this me from its shame of obscurity...if only slightly. They offer a more immediate ego gratification and the nubers are generally larger, stroking ego more intently.  I watch the puffed up ego in action as I do what I do here.

The purpose for coming here was not supposed to be about the ego. From the very beginning, there was a deeper motivation guiding me to the page and then to the videos. I felt this compulsion to express and share what I was learning. It seemed like the "spiritual thing" to do. Ego did not seem to want anything to do with this, in the beginning.  It wanted me hiding under a rock somewhere protecting it and the body...protecting this image it told  me I  must maintain to ensure that I staid in the pack.  The content was too woo-woo, making it feel more vulnerable, and ptting us at risk for expulsion from the pack. 

This Human's Idea of Success

Still...it got something from this process when I went ahead anway. Shamer ego, once it realized it was not going to get tomatos thrown at it from a heckling crowd, had to step aside for Redeemer, who now kind of liked being "out there"thinking it could, maybe, get something from this mission.  It didn't like that I insisted on putting up the very imperfect stuff I created...but it liked it when the numbers climbed for whatever reason they climbed. (You have to understand that to me anything in the three digits is a big number...much more than expected. So my idea of Youtube success is much different than it would be for others lol. I always think of how many people can fit in a classroom or lecture hall. If seats are full and I don't have everyone getting up at once to go to the "lie-brary", never to return...that's success.) 

Ego started to want more and more views (even if there was no way to determine if they were authentic views). Though I never ask anyone to subscribe, it wanted  more subscribers, more likes. That is partly why I suddenly agreed with the external advice offered and I began to do the shorts.  And then someone mentioned..."You could actually start making money doing this, you know? If you spruced up your videos, got better equipment...combed your hair...maybe you could get something for this. "  

Ego jumped up in anticipation, "What?? We could get money for doing this silly stuff? We could actually get out of this hole by doing this. And we could be recognized in some way, offering us another coat of personality redemption to wear. Sweet!? I am in."

It was then that I realized I was losing my humility, straying away from purpose, beginning to want what I didn't need...again. I knew where this could take me. It certainly didn't take the sometimes negative consequences of instant fame and riches to get me to that realization (what I was getting was nowhere near rich and famous lol...just a few extra views.) but there it was.  

Anything wrong with wanting succes?

Don't get me wrong...there is nothing wrong with making money and gaining acclaim for what you do, especially if it comes from the heart. Accept such a gift if the Universe sends it your way. By all means. Embrace and enjoy it ....as long as... the desire to satisfy superificial needs doesn't become your purpose for doing what you do, and as long as you do not get too attached to the superficial outcomes. 

Not Ready for such Outcomes?

Noticing how excited Redeemer ego was getting over this very slim possibility showed me I was not ready for such outcomes.  Monetization and recognition are very superficial needs for this human, even if they would be greatly appreciated and beneficial fruits of action in this lifetime. (In other words it would be sweet!")  I know, though, they would feed this ego too much, making it stronger than I want it to be, possibly making it once again the driving force of this Life. It would be a problem for this human who had learned the hard way what Life could be like when Ego is in control. I had finally wisened up to Ego and had learned to see that if I let it, it would take me on one nasty Roller Coaster ride after the other. It would not take me to where I needed to be. 

I imagined Soul/Spirit/Self standing in the background watching this human and saying something to the effect,  "Stop asking for more than what is needed.  It's not about the numbers, the likes or monetizing.  It is simply a means for this human to express her authentic need to share what she is learning. It is not about burdening the Self with more superficial needs. It is about growing away from them. That ego needs to be put down!"

Put the ego down?

I find self chastising self whenever I see how I allowed ego to run off on its rampages of desire and aversion.  That isn't the answer either. There is a reason why ego is still around wanting what it wants...I have to have compassion for that. I don't have to listen and follow its directions...but I need to allow this ego to be an ego...a seeking , craving, resisting ego.  My role is not to "stop it" or "put it down!" My  role is to notice it, understand it, and do what Spirit wants me to do over what it wants me to do. 

To be honest, I am not sure if that is Self talking or another aspect of  ego...the spirital ego possibly... who wants to appear completly altruistic and evolved.  I don't know. I just know that Ego is still lingering around and though I do not have to resist in fear what it suggests I do...I do have to question it and seek clarification for my next move from a higher Self. 

I want to foster and nurture humility throughout this Life experience and trust that the Universe will give this human exactly what is needed for her growth. What about you? Are you seeking to fulfill your authentic or your superficial needs? 

All is well. 

Gary Zukav (1989/2014) The Seat of the Soul. New York: Simon and Schuster

The Practice of Handling Life

 The entire problem of your life is because all you think about is you. When you learn not to think about you, life becomes entirely different, absolutely unbelievably different. 

Michael Singer

Hmm! Here we are with this amazing consciousness, this amazing intellectual mind capable of almost anything and we are staring down at a bunch of garbage. We are narrowing these lenses which are capable of taking in absolutely everything at the greatest resolution and focusing only on the "me" part of it...what this amazing world has to do with "me" part...the impersonal mind part. On top of that we are seeing a very distorted and blurry version of that reality because we are viewing it through a dirty filter, a filter we spent our lives creating, We are looking down at the garbage instead of up at all we could be in this amazing school playground we get to play in, grow in, learn in. 

Personal mind gets in the way of the impersonal mind and the mind's focus then becomes all about, "How can I make this better for 'me'?"

 You are not okay because you decided I can't be okay because something might go wrong.

Obviosuly, the personal mind...the ego...the needy personality is the problem but it is not something we want to bully away.  We need to learn to:

Use the impersonal mind to raise the personal mind so you are not destroying youself

And then we ask this very important question:

Can I learn to handle reality?

How do we begin to test our ability to handle reality?

Firts of all, imagine what life would be like if you could handle anything that unfolded in front of you. If you weren't as neurotic as most of us are.  If we stop staring at the "little me" and its so called problems...our world would open up.

When you stop staring at you. you relaize you a really great being...full of love...full of joy...full of God 

Then imagine your life without preference dependency and expectation and the possibility that Life was not here to serve you...

What if everything doesn't have to be the way you want. 

Then begin the practice. As I tell my yoga students, Hatha practice is not about being able to slip into a pose or anything in our lives easily the first time we do it. 'Getting Life right',  isn't about being "great" at whatever we do and always doing it right.  Just the opposite.  It is about learning and growing one step at a time. It is about not doing great...about slipping and falling and making mistakes. It's about the willingness to learn from these slips, falls, and mistakes so we do better next time. Yoga is called a practice, Life is a practice...for a reason. We need to

 Start practicing the ability to be okay. 

We attempt something.  It doesn't work. Instead of beating ourelsves up, without shaming or judgement, we say, 

"I fell...I'm back on my feet...and I begin again."  We keep saying that until we are able to exclaim, "Oh wow! That was fun...so much learning in that slip....I will do better next time."

You got this! You can learn to handle everything in your life. Start by practicing from where you are at now.

All is well. 

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( May, 2026) From Ego to Freedom: The Path to Liberation. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Hj8x0YY1cg&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=1