Yoga is the practice of tolerating the consequences of being you.
The Gita
Sometimes it is hard to be a "me" constantly triggered by Life.
An Excuse to Hide Away From Life
Chest pain persists off and on and I am looking for a place to hide out from the world. ( Well...I am trying to avoid those parts of the world I am having such a visceral reactive response to!). So I come here. I am telling people I have chest pain, which I really don't like to do unless I need to use it as a legitimate reason to hide out. That is what I am doing with this chest pain. I am using it to "my" benefit, as an excuse to rest. Well, as an excuse to "escape". .
Listening To A Friend
Angina really isn't a problem for me anymore. After years of allowing it to seemingly take so much of my life away [in my mind only], I have learned to live with it amazingly well. Where as at one point, I did what ever I could to resist it, deny it, push past it etc because of the worry and shame it provoked in me, now I stop and listen. I am no longer worried about it, concerned about the outcome and I don't feel the need to waste energy trying to get others out there to look after it. I have gone beyond simply accepting it, to befriending it. I see what it offers me in terms of learning and keeping me on track in my growth. I do treat it in the allopathic way when it arises. I am not stupid. I take a medication on a regular basis that really helps and I rest and take nitro when I need to. But I am not worried about these episodes at all.
When I have a cluster of pain that comes and goes over 3-4 days, I simply stop and say, "Hello my old friend. What is going on in my life or in my mind that you want me to pay attention to?"
"Look after Yourself"
I am always reminded that I am failing to be compassionate and kind to self. It is the heart right? Chest pain has to have something to do with love. It is a key sign that I...this body and mind...need to have the same degree of kindness, service, compassion I am offering to others, applied to it. I don't know why it is referring to the "me" part of Self, but until I am fully realized that might be where it is pointing me. Which is kind of confusing being that I am on a quest to diminish "me" for "I am". Anyway...it is a plea for Self-care and Self-love. I do recognize that though I may not always heed that suggestion like it wants me to.
"Rest"
The most important step to do in an angina attack is to physically rest. The pain is also telling me to rest. Unless I can use this need to rest as a way to avoid those stressors that some would say are causing my chest pain and to which I now know are simply triggering what is already there and my resistance to it....I may not rest. I still tend to push past it, to keep giving to others, at the expense of self. Why? See above. I don't care enough about myself. That takes me to the third thing it is telling me.
"You have some pretty sick stuff in there!"
There are some unwholesome things stuffed in me that I need to release. At the root of this chest pain is a samskara arising to the surface. An impression of a deeply wounded little girl who is shame and fear based to the core because of past trauma is triggered by certain external stressors. Intense feelings of unworthiness arise. as well as a fear that I might hurt more deserving others in my attempts to get what I need from life to just survive physically. I tend to give, give, give in an attempt to redeem myself....compensate for my unworthiness.... as I often say, "pay extra rent for being on a planet I don't deserve to be on." The denying of the chest pain, the pushing past it...the seeing it, (as well as the shaming I received in my presentation of it), as something I simply "deserve" for taking up air that others could be breathing, is a conditioned reaction to these twisted and sick core beliefs.
"Get rid of the blockages"
When that samskara begins to unravel...man is it messy in here. The messier it is in here, the more chest pain I feel out there. It is a bit of a cycle. Chest pain is both a reaction to a body that has been not taking care of itself because it doesn't see itself as worthy, absorbing and owning the stress of others, and it it is also a trigger for the release of this samskara. Double whammy! My heart is physically closing in an attempt to keep the pain of that old wounding from coming to the surface, preventing those specific triggers out there from pulling them up. And the physical closing (vasospasms) causes pain that triggers the samskaras so they will be released. The chest pain is actually trying to do me a favor. The only way of truly healing emotionally and physically is by getting rid of these blockages. I honestly believe that if I could release all that old junk once and for all, there would be no more chest pain. My heart would truly be open , remaining so. It would be like a balloon angioplasty for the soul. Yoga, I believe is the best medicine for that.
Not There Yet
Sigh! So...I know all this but I still have a long way to go to "realizing" it. I spent the last few days resorting to old habit energies. Going between shaming myself and using the chest pain to avoid dealing with Life. I was shaming myself for the chest pain and the fatigue that comes with it...for not doing more...like cleaning the house, or spending more time at my daughters (even though I spent six hours there yesterday), not picking up a work day, not offering my yoga classes, not doing more for my grandchildren and children etc....I was really beating myself up. The old unworthiness samskara was flowing into my psyche like a broken faucet because of the stressors I have been dealing with.
Don't Need an Excuse To Say "No"
Then when I felt the "stress" was too much I told myself well I will use this chest pain, not for the purpose it was meant for, but to further resist life. It seemed the only plausible excuse I could use to avoid the stressors that were triggering me, so I could say to those others who seemed to need me, "Sorry! I can't be there 24/7 because my heart is acting up." I don't worry about my heart but I know they do, so I will occasionally share with them when I have chest pain in hopes it will reduce the demands. Sometimes that works...sometimes ( maybe not so much this time) they will cut me some slack and stop demanding so much of me. It really didn't work yesterday but I am trying it this morning. Like, . "Just give me a morning to myself ...if you can't give me a whole day so I can rest up enough to be there for you." I don't take a call for work even though I need the money...I can't risk working with this... so one would think...yeah that is a legitimate excuse . But man...why do I have to have others reminding me that it is okay to take the time I need to rest when I am not well? Why do I have to wait until I am a spray of nitro away from emergency to say, "No. I can't give you all that you need...it is too much for one person." ? Again...that samskara is operating. It is challenging to be assertive and say no when you feel, not only unworthy, but that you are the cause of everyone's misery. Hmm!
Sharing the Pathetic Pieces
BTW...it is really embarrassing to see how pathetic this "me" is in its core believing . Wow! I know how irrational these thoughts are. I do but the feelings stuffed inside don't give a darn about how much I think I know. Then why the heck are you sharing it, crazy lady? I figure I am not the only one....in fact, I know I am not the only one who has a physical ailment as a result of a samskara related to deep seated shame and unworthiness. Maybe not to this specific degree or detail...but similar.
Have you ever taken the time to investigate the relationship between your own body symptoms and your samskaras? Have you looked into your core belief's and the wounding they come from?
I find it absolutely fascinating! And that is what I want to spend my time doing. Not enabling, or being in a situation where I am really not serving anyone, least of all me. I know the best way I can help anyone is to get rid of my blockages so I can be there for them in a non-resisting and open way...
Anyway, how I rambled this morning when I was going to take my hiding away time to simply rest. Maybe this "looking deeply" is a better use of my time.
All is well.
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