Sunlight Through a Pane of Glass

 Beauty streamed into my hand 

In sunlight through a pane of glass;

Now atlas I understand 

why suns must pass....

Hazel Hall(1886-1924), Sunlight Through a Window

Sitting here at my dining room table and the most gorgeous morning sun is shining in on me. I feel so blessed just to be able to experience these rays of light and warmth from something that is a 149 million Kilometres away. That is quite amazing, isn't it? It feels like it is shining  right there just for me...lol...when rationally I know I am just one of an infinite number of beings on this planet also experiencing  its life giving energy. Sigh!

This "me" (and this "I am" on which the "me" was created over) is touched by that light.  It is like it is forming  gentle fingers that  reach down to pull out some of the pain and relief  I have not had the time to express over the last week or so. My eyes are watering in response. There is so much I want to let go of.

Good news!  My sister was successfully weaned off the vent two days ago and she is recovering physically. So grateful.  Her life long recovery is just beginning, if she should choose to go there, but for now her form is stable.  Grateful to all. 

The others are "needing me" less  than they did a few days ago and though I know it is not over for them...every moment I am not needed I am momentarily relieved of  the shame and guilt that I am not able to fix it is all for them, that I am not able to end their suffering.

You didn't break it and you can't fix it is a really hard axiom for a parent to swallow. I just feel the suffering of others so intensely , I don't have the energy to deal with my own.  Even though I know that my own is the only thing I have control over and where I must go. This light streaming in on me is reminding me of that. "Heal first," it seems to whisper, "Heal first." 

Well the sun is lovely and I am grateful for it.

All is well in my world.