The Mission to Transform

 

Awareness is like the sun. When it is shined on things, they are transformed. 

Thich Nhat Hanh

I asked for this...whatever I am experiencing in this waking up process: all the confusion mixed in with the new found clarity, the challenges, the struggles and the somewhat painful stripping away of all that I clung to ( including my beliefs) .  I asked for this and I , despite my being slapped in the face by the reality that suffering exists when I do, continue to ask for it everyday. 

I pray before I meditate: "Help me to awaken so I can help others to awaken..." 

Huh? Why am I asking this??? What is wrong with me? 

And I don't know why I ask, and why I practice or why I think that "I" , in this aging form and less than perfect mind..., has any "right" or "ability" to help myself transform suffering, let alone help another living being on this planet do the same.  Who do I think I am? What do I know? Who am I? 

It doesn't make a lick of sense to me most of the time. Yet, here I am.  I just feel the need to do so, so viscerally,  I know I will experience more pain if I don't continue on this path than I ever will if I do. I  feel compelled. It is a pull much bigger than "me" that brings me here everyday, that brings me to these teachings that I study as if I was studying for the MCATs or  LSATS, to my studio or to my cushion.  This  mission to awaken into awareness and its practice has become the most important part of my life. 

I never in my wildest dreams, imagined myself here, where I am now, at this point in my life: retired early, absent of all professional titles,  broke as s%^&, spending every morning practicing and writing what I write here. It is all so bizarre.  Yet, here I am.

And Life responds by unfolding in front of me with  one lesson after the other.  I mean...Life is not that personal...she is not just unfolding for my purpose lol...but with lessons for all of us...it is just that I , lacking in so much of my previous defenses, am running smack dab into these lessons, unprotected.  I am absorbing them and observing myself responding ( or reacting...I still react more than I respond). It freaking stings like the dickens but I realize that  is the way I learn. 

I choose to learn.  I choose not to run or hide anymore, but to make my way through to the other side of this confusion.  I chose awareness.

This learning or awakening has little to nothing to do with "knowledge I pick up from others" , no matter how wonderful these teachers may be and how they point me in the right direction. True learning does not come from concepts, teachings, religions or ideologies, though they all can be very helpful pointers.  True learning is derived from observing the mind and how it responds to Life.

That is all that I am doing...observing the nature of the human mind by observing my own. 

Hmm! Anyway..it is what it is! 

All is well.