Lack Of Vision

 

The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision.

Helen Keller

Excuse the typos lately.  I am having an issue with the eyes. 

Sometimes I have ocular migraines (without headaches) that start out with a bunch of squiggles and progresses to dark patches over the visual field.  I am okay with that.  I know they don't last long. Apparently, I also have cataracts though the optometrist did not seem to be too concerned about that when he told me. It was a relief for me to know why I was having such a hard time driving at night. I also have good old presbyopia that most people my age will have. So I don't see 100 % especially on darker days like today when my overhead light has burnt out and I am out of light bulbs. :) So, becasue I type so fast and really cannot see well (My new glasses cannot rectify the problem) ...I make a lot of typos.  I can inamgine how annoying they would be to read.  

I have also been experiencing something a little nore concerning for months now with my left eye. Pain and crazy flashing lights out of the corner of my eye.  Now...I know what that could mean.  I do have a astigmatism in that eye and have a tendency toward dry eye...no biggie, right?  That would be the less concerning cause of these symptoms. But unfortunately, there is also a history of retinal detachment in my family  ( I have been assuming for decades that all our heart issues, vascular issues, muscles issue [ herniated discs and dupetrynes] and eye issues are a result of a familial  connective tissue anomaly.  I have been shot down again and again whenever I approached some expert with that possibility and have stopped pursuing that long ago. ]. Regardless, I know I need a retinal exam to rule out the latter and that means stepping up, breaking through the long term assumptions made about me and saying once again, "I think I have something else going on in my body." That never works out well for me and triggers a whole host of circumstances and internal reactions.  Yuck!!!  I really want to deny, supress, avoid opening up that can of worms again.  I still do not have any specific diagnosis or validation for any of the health issues I have been dealing with over the last few years.  (I have given up on that too)   Still, if I value my eye sight,I need to suck it up and step up to the plate again. .

I ask myself...What would it be like to live without your eyesight?  And I try to imagine myself without that visual sense perception.  I would not be able to photograph which I have not been doing much of lately anyway...my good camera has some type of retinal retachment of its own  lol...it has lost the ability to focus.  It would suck not being able to photograph or even see the beautiful world around me that I so love to capture is some stills. I could still read, though, using brail.  I could still do yoga...in fact, I have been doing yoga with my eyes closed trying to tap into internal body sensations  and am getting better at that.  I would not be able to see my grandchildren's faces but I could hear them and hold them and love them just the same.  Then there was this big one:   Could I still write?  It would be difficult...but I could find a way.  I would find a way. 

Don't get me wrong.  I do not want to lose my eye sight.  It is a valuable gift I cherish. I especially, do not want to lose it just because I am afraid to step up to possibly confront assumption and judgement  again. 

Hmmm! This was not what I was going to write about lol..It just came out.  So we will leave it here.

All is well.