John Welwood (American psychospiritual psychologist and writer)
Why We Collect Grievances.
My shameful experience the other day ( shameful only to my ego and the egos of others :)), when I found myself searching for and collecting grievances, is not a unique one. It is believed that most people, in general, spend more time collecting reasons to be upset than they do seeking reasons to be happy.
Why?
Because our egos...that outer shell of personality that we use to define ourselves and to make sense of our worlds with... wants us complaining. If we see the people around us and the world as lacking or at fault...it reinforces this belief system that we are all alone...separate from others and God.
Ego needs us to believe this because this is the belief that gives it strength and allows it to endure. Blame, judgment, manipulations with guilt and condemnation puff ego up. Self pity, a notion of rejection, isolation and abandonment, though diminishing, "sting" the ego. A stung ego is an active ego. Ego wants to be active!
When our egos are fault finding or stinging from the perceived neglect or insult from another...we only see reasons to grieve and not the blessings that surround us. Instead of finding ways to reduce inflammation and soothe the pain we consciously and sub consciously seek reasons to keep the inflammation of ego going. The more inflammation, the more swollen ego becomes...giving it the appearance of size and power.
We see ourselves as our egos ( our personalities) and we assume that by allowing it to grow (or at least have the illusion of size) and endure we are protecting ourselves. Grievance collection is a self preservation and survival reaction, nothing more. The only problem is...by complaining and fault finding we are allowing something to grow that wants nothing more than to keep us from who we really are. If we knew from Whom we came, we would realize we do not need ego's protection...in fact...it is only in the way.
A Practical Example
I understand the ego is a foreign term to many people and many would view my little trip down self pity lane as nothing more than a quirk in my personality. They would not see or understand the "spiritual lesson" in it. That's understandable.
So in practical terms...let's look at it this way....I was tired, not feeling physically at my best and enduring the early hormonal fluctuations that occur with menopause. We tend to see the world, ourselves and other people's reaction to us a bit negatively when we are sick or tired. (I was feeling alone and disconnected from my Source...ego was active)
I was beginning to feel good and sorry for myself and looking for reasons to keep this self pity trip going. I was looking for an external reason to grieve at that point...to explain this alone feeling I was experiencing. (Ego was feeding itself ...the little me... with this notion of separation).
I thought I found one in a perceived accidental exclusion from a social event that I honestly probably would not attend anyway ( I am really not up to socializing these days). I wanted to feel sorry for myself...I wanted an excuse for feeling so miserable...so I looked for this one thing outside myself to latch onto. I did not examine the facts or evidence that would prove otherwise...I just jumped on a reason to be upset. "They forgot about me again. I really am on the outside looking in aren't I? I am no longer important. I don't belong." ( This fed the ego making it more inflamed. It wanted more. )
So I thought about other times I was excluded or my needs were less than addressed with concern by certain people...I had to dig really deep into my memory banks to find them. I had to push all the times I felt cared for, listened to, supported, included away to get to those few negatives...but I found them. I collected those few memories and held onto them as evidence (Ego needed to collect past memories of any form of wrong doing to prove to me on some level...that I was indeed alone, separated from all so that I would rely on it to protect me.)
Now I could use my absolutes and intensify the situation. : "This is not the first time. They...not just they but everyone...excludes me all the time. I am forever being left out. No one cares for me etc." (Ego was growing at an alarming rate by collecting reasons to intensify this self pity reaction even if it was blown utterly and completely out of proportion... it needed to effect change in my world with pity or guilt so it could gain even more power. It wanted drama. ).
Instead of expressing anger and resentment...I would use the manipulation tactic of guilt and pity by telling one trusted person that I was not invited. Instead of just leaving the whole accidental exclusion behind and not show up to the event because I really was not up to going...I would tell someone I was not going because I was not invited. There is some merit in my confession...I wanted this one person to know that I had good reasons for not showing up that went beyond my selfish one of fatigue. ...but most of it was ego generated...I wanted someone to pity me and stir up a guilt reaction in other people. (Ego wanted the drama of other pity and guilt).
This emotional reaction all happened so quickly and lasted for a total of an hour. In practical terms...that hour represents how the ego gets fed with grievances.
Choosing Gratitude over Grievance
As I watched what was happening from the position of the Observer, these are the questions that ran through my head: Do you want to keep feeding your ego? Do you want to continue to feel sorry for yourself or consumed with anger resentment towards others? Do you want to create guilt and pity reactions in others so there is drama? Do you constantly want to collect and see only that which causes pain? Do you like the sting of inflammation? Do you want to feel separated and alone? No. ...was my answer.
Grievance is really not what we want
I bet you don't want these things, either...I mean the ego might want it but the you that resides beneath the ego knows better and wants more. Remember the opposite challenge? When we encounter something we don't want...and though ego enjoys the drama, you really do not want it in your life...seek it's opposite.
You want the opposite of grievance and what is that? Gratitude. Gratitude is at the polar end of grievance. Gratitude is the feeling of appreciation for blessing instead of lack, inclusion instead of exclusion, connection instead of isolation or separation and joy instead of shame, loneliness or despair. Grievance feels yucky!!! Gratitude feels good! We can always choose gratitude.
It may take some effort on our part to get beyond the conditioned habit of grievance collection and complaining. If we look back honestly we will see that we have been complaining for most of our adult lives. We can change, however.
How can we change?
You just need to focus on what is right in your life rather than what is wrong. Be aware of the sting of self pity or offense when it happens and know it is simply ego trying to gain power. Choose otherwise....one step towards perfect gratitude at a time.
Find something to be grateful for in the situation. When you feel forgotten...recall all the times you were remembered and most importantly know that you have never been forgotten by the One that really matters. Appreciate that! When you feel excluded...recall the times when you were a part of the lives of others and more importantly know that you are a part of the One where exclusion is impossible. Appreciate that! When you feel attacked or insulted...recall the times you were appreciated, praised and supported and most importantly know that no one can hurt you...who you really are. You have God on your side. Appreciate that!
I also find it helpful to know that most conflict is generated by ego against ego. It is simply an ego thing, not a real thing. We are in the truer sense not in conflict with one another. Our egos are basically dealing with other people's egos. If we could look past the ego in our self and the ego in the other...we would see there is no conflict, no reasons to feel hurt or to hurt. There can't be. There is only presence and connection!
Recognize what is here....the simple beauty of presence and human contact...and be grateful for it.
All is well in my world.
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