I, The Observer

Understand that thoughts are thoughts.  If they are unreasonable, reason with them, even if you have no reason left.  You are the observer of your mind, not its victim.
Matt Haig (Writer)

The Little "I" in action

Yesterday I was given a wonderful little opportunity to witness my "little I' in action. 

My little I of course is my egoic self...the one that is consumed by mental and emotional reactions; the one that feels separated from all and God as it looks for ways to prove this separation theory through illness, chaos, loss etc. The Little I is constantly needing to defend and attack its way to survival....to manipulate the world around it  to establish  some outer form of protection.

 It judges and condemns. It puffs itself up and growls and huffs its way to power...convincing us that it is in charge and we follow the path it leads us down  to our own destruction. We become victims to it.  We are so identified with it...thinking it (and the body) is all we are...that we forget who we really are.

Yet...when the Little I catches a glimpse of itself in the mirror, it sees how tiny and pathetic it really is.  Yesterday...I caught a glimpse of this part of me in the mirror and it certainly was not something to be proud of.  I did not judge however...well...the I that is the True Observer...the One Self...That which Is  in all....did not judge.  It was the "little I" that judged itself...the ego judging ego...and I am not my ego.

 That Which Is ...is beyond the need for judgment...It simply watches and observes.  It is from that place that I want to operate. I want to be an observer of my mind, not a victim.

Learning through Life's situations

I was given that situation yesterday...or more likely... I created that situation for the whole 40-60 minutes that it lasted...for many reasons. 

Menopause

The first one is menopause...yes.  I wrote yesterday about ego claws digging in more tightly when one approaches the wisdom years.  Just like an animal about to be pulled from its source of nourishment and protection...ego digs its claws in and clings even more tightly as I start pushing it away. 

Menopause marks entry into the sacred years. These are the wisdom years I am stepping into...years of greater understanding and awareness, years of less need for the good opinion of others; years of remembering Who I really am and from Whom  I came.   I don't want ego anymore.

Ego knows that.  So like a festering boil before it is lanced...it becomes painful and swollen...tempting me back to old painful  ways of thinking ...to a world where I believe I am separated and alone...to a time when I was so dependent on the good opinion of others.  It tried to manipulate me yesterday  and for a short time it did.

 But these are, gratefully,  the wise years...and wisdom took over allowing me to observe from  a place of greater awareness what was happening so I was able to get beyond it.  Oh ego is still present within me...still digging its claws in...but I am now aware of its desperation and hopefully will respond better the next time a challenge presents itself.

I experienced what I did yesterday for another reason.  It offered another lesson.  

Getting Beyond Ego

It is my intention...in fact, it is my life mission... to get beyond ego.  My ego is most sensitive to and becomes most inflamed with any sense of being left out, ignored, forgotten or excluded. (A left over from childhood).  It is in those situations that I really notice it. 

So if you want to learn to overcome something what do you need to do?  Put oneself in the line of exposure!! Confronting  the experiences offer the most learning.  That is why, I believe, situations like this keep showing up in my life. They offer opportunities for better learning.  They  remind me that ego is still active and I need more practice!  I still need to learn to stop reacting so.

Reminder of Purpose

I also encountered that situation yesterday as a reminder of purpose here.  We are observers.  Within us all this Observer watches without judgment ...truly living through us even when our minds take us out of present moment awareness and even though no one...not even ourselves...can see or understand It.  We all have that...whether we are tapped into it or not...but some us have a more obvious observer in us...that others can see. Some of us have a human and physical function to observe. 

Life Observer

I, ever since I can remember, was someone who stood back, watched and recorded what I seen, heard, felt, etc.  That is what makes me a writer.  I often find myself on the outside of human interaction and exchange...looking in...taking notes in my head and later putting them down on paper. I record Life as I see it happening around me.   I also do the same with a camera. I think of myself, sometimes, as a photojournalist for God in His edition of Life:).

I never asked for this role as life observer ...it just happened naturally. 

As a result...I often found myself excluded...on the outside looking in to the human experience...missing out on human interaction.  I became a listener in my observer role...but not one to often share my own experience. 

I became a giver of feedback and praise when I saw how wonderful people could be and what they were capable of...but not often on the receiving end of such.

 I was one of those people, because of my quiet observing presence...who gave  the impression possibly  that I was neutral...not needing...there, merely,  for others as a reflection or sounding board.

 My needs were often not considered (well...that is how I perceived it). I was easy to forget...just like the photographer at a wedding observing and recording people's happy moments. It was just expected that I would be there through the long hours doing my job  regardless of how tired or hungry I got. Forgotten until I was needed by another. (awe...another little trip down self pity lane lol).

 Part of me resented that and yesterday reminded me of that resentment. 

Once I got beyond the egoic perception...however...I realized there really is no reason to resent or feel insult.  In fact...I am more than blessed.  What an honor it is to have this God given role as human observer.  I am not separate and alone from others...I am just busy watching and recording the beauty that is Life.  In some ways...it makes me more conscious of the world and my connection to it. I become more aware of the real Observer  within me that the mini one reflects. 

Truth is: I want to be an Observer! I want to be The Observer

So I am okay with being mistakenly forgotten or having my own needs innocently neglected by others. (Even if it is more than  just a mistaken perception on my part which it wasn't.  My perception of the event was distorted.) 

Truth is, I have a much more important job to perform while I am here, that goes way beyond the ego.

All is well in my world!