The Quiet Observer Sees

Sometimes it is the quiet observer who sees the most.
Kathyrn L.  Nelson

The Observer

Once again I pushed myself beyond a healthy state of being. 

Yesterday, I pushed and pulled the students  and myself through a brutal class of finishing assignments and testing to meet the course requirements, which we did.  Yeah! 

The quiet observer watched me from that inner space within...saying nothing, judging not...just watching as I panted and huffed my way through class.  I know it saw a tensed up body with brows furrowed, shoulders tight and a voice that was urgent like it belonged to the leader of a fire brigade directing others with the putting out of a life-threatening fire. :)

 It felt a body that was exhausted, dizzy, fearful of collapse pull itself from place to place. 

It observed this powerful, focused but misdirected mind at work as it...intent on getting it all done...shut out all the precious sights and sounds around me, all the bodily symptoms and the opportunities for connection with others.

It watched as I turned off the clock and accomplished one task at a time until the mind  met its goal.

The hours passed and I was shocked to see how late it got.  ...but the observer wasn't.  It pays little heed to time ...only to moments it is not  ignored and denied, moments where its grace and propensity towards gratefulness are  heard beyond ego's demanding chirps.  Yesterday...there was not many of those.

The Ego

 To others...I seemed productive maybe . .. despite the chaos of my desk.  Getting that 2 hour class in, marking 45 assignments/tests in a few hours, organizing student papers for filing, getting marks in and calculated after having to redo my evaluation criteria on the system to accommodate for the missed classes, dealing with students as they came in with questions and putting my course material in a neat, organized fashion together and away... is no easy task for the healthy body and mind.  To do it when I felt the way I did was quite an extraordinary feat. 

My mind, as I said , is a very powerful thing.  Yesterday, I let it and this goal of getting it done guide me as ego took charge.   Ego does not want me to think about the observer, that threatens its very existence. 

It wants me busy with thought and action so I don't "feel" it within me. 

It wants me goal oriented and productive...meeting professional and social obligations. 

It wants me focusing on external gratification not the inner stuff. 

It wants me fearful of loss and failure so I do and keep busy. 

It tells me if I don't keep up I won't   keep this job and earn the money I need to survive.   It is so worried about my financial situation, untrusting of Life and social systems to provide. It pushed me with fear and a need to do as well as a desire for external accomplishment and praise.

Ego said "Do!" yesterday.  The observer said "Be"...I listened to the ego. I met my goal and I got it done but at what cost? 

Sure...there was a moment of "Man...it is done! I can't believe I did that!  Aren't I great?  Aren't I amazing?  Wow!" Ego was happy...but ego, we know, never stays happy for long.

The Consequence of Listening to Ego over The Observer

The observer was neither pleased or displeased with my performance.  It was just quietly watching.

 When I stopped long enough to notice my "being"...I realized I was completely exhausted.  It was even challenging to walk to the elevator at the end of the day. I was dizzy, my vision was off.  I was numb when I wanted to be enthused by the renovations my daughter wanted me to stop to see on my way home.  I was numb in my interactions with everyone as exhaustion makes one.  I did not appreciate the lovely day or go for a walk in the woods.  I saw only what had to be "done" when I walked into the house  and  I had nothing...absolutely nothing left to do it with...so I was consumed by guilt and shame.  There was no energy or vitality  in me...I made it to the couch and there I staid, falling in and out of sleep for the rest of the day.

 Is this living? 

Was that one moment of accomplishment worth it?   My moments after the ten second feeling of glory were full of bodily symptoms, guilt and shame, and a total disconnect to the beauty around me, the people around me.  Is that living? 

The quiet observer knows that isn't living but it doesn't say "I told you so."  It doesn't shake a finger in my direction and chastise me for my stupidity.  It just waits quietly in the background of my life with its arms open, watching and waiting for me to come back to it where I belong. 

I want to go back to it.  I want to go home. I want to learn to just be again.

All is well in my world.