Follow up!

It is in the act of having to do things  you don't want to that you learn something about moving  past the self.  The ego.
bell hooks

Well! Well! The test  is not tomorrow after all . The request was brought to the person of concern after my appointment was already booked and he said "No!"  He will repeat an ultrasound sometime in the future and then "he" will decide if a mammogram will be needed!  An ultrasound did not even recognize this mass the last time...it picked up a small complicated cyst and that was it! This is so, so bizarre...I know it is a great opportunity to learn but it is just too bizarre.  I am dealing with ego where there is no room for ego! And my reserves for  tolerance and forgiveness is maxed out!  This is crazy! I am pissed!

I step away.

I am back after grounding with breath.  On a brighter note...feeling angry, even though I do not want to stay here, feels a heck of a lot better than shame and fear.  I didn't want to have to put any work into advocating for my own health but this anger pushes me forward to do so .  I am getting all the information I can on the radiology protocol for diagnostic mammography/ ultrasound, on making and receiving a request for diagnostic mammography, on diagnostic criteria for complex vs complicated cysts (even though I know the cyst is only part of this...it is the only thing showing up on ultrasound), on ductal ectasia and ductal hyperplasia ( other benign conditions this thickening could be). 

In the meantime, I  keep checking to make sure that the mass is still there and that it is real so I don't slip back into the thought stream of thinking I am lying, making things up and seeking tests I don't need.  I AM NOT!! My physician and a well renown surgeon at the provincial breast clinic have made this request twice!!! Not me...I just wanted to know what it was.   I know for a fact I have not done anything wrong in seeking a diagnosis!  I know the issue that is preventing me from getting what I need is mostly due to other egos and not just my ingrained belief.  Whew!

I am gathering information not just so I make myself right but so that I can look at this objectively, respecting the guiding opinion of the other. Maybe I will discover that this is more than an egoic decision on his part.  Have yet to discover that after all my reading but maybe I will before I am done here.  :)

I am less angry, working on tolerance and forgiveness...seeing the person of concern as operating unconsciously as we all do from time to time.  Ego and pain body can be very demanding captors in any of us. The need to be right can sometimes get in the way of seeing clearly even in situations like this.

I have to remember that this is a wonderful learning opportunity to get beyond my habitual way of retracting in such situations .  I wonder if I am passing?

All is well.