I came across this poem that was ironically written a year ago today and see the relevance of it. It may certainly suck in poetic terms (may rework it) but its message is pretty solid. The last line of the first stanza is what hit me at first. I think of the game of egos I feel caught in between now and my victimized ego says, "I am the cost". Ego would run away with that as it has so many times in the last month...the last few days especially ...since I found out my test was denied but as I truly look at it...I see it is not about being a victim to something or someone outside me. It shows me there is a way through this story I am telling myself. "If you find your little self ...fighting to survive...allow the door of truth to open."
When that door opens we see that whatever we are afraid of losing is insignificant and what is significant we cannot lose... "remaining as it is". This test is just a test that may or may not be necessary to save my health from deteriorating. Whatever is going on in my body is insignificant...just something passing across the "surface phenomenon of Life". I just need to watch it pass from the deeper background of "timeless awareness". Regardless if it is or isn't cancer it is just a "thing we cling to" that effects the body. All "Bodies will die , yours and mine." ...with or without tests, or diagnosis of some form of disease.
I gave a month of precious life energy to this worry. It was always in the back of my mind or in my body ( now that I have the pain with it). It was only when I was able to still myself for a moment or two that I would remember this truth and see it all I was worrying about as insignificant.
It did become harder to still myself...in the last few days...but I make a concerted effort to because I want to be reminded of the truth. I do not want to get lost in worry over how things are or aren't getting done to show me what this is in medical terms. At the deepest level...it really doesn't matter. This experience is offering me a wonderful growing opportunity. I must, "learn to breathe, learn to smile, learn to love and to learn to simply be " through even circumstances like this. If I master that here and now, I will master it anywhere. I will be able to go through life without worrying or feeling caught between the egos of others.
I am grateful for this learning opportunity. I want to be able to enjoy "the changing scenery" of my life...all of it.
Hmmm! All is well!
Fragile
How fragile this cup I hold in my two hands. I suddenly realize it will not last.
Like all of the surface phenomenon of Life, it will crack; it will crumble; it will pass.
I look down at these hands, wrinkled with passing time and see the same
like the cup, this idea of me in its aging form, is just a chip in ego's cruel game.
Nothing lasts. The clock's busy second hand will someday cease its distracting noise
and the magic secrets of past and future will be revealed as deceptive ploys.
Bodies will die, yours and mine. The things we cling to will rust , decay and get lost.
Our desire to win a game or two as ego deals, will always come at cost.
The continuous flux of worldly things will surely turn to rubble and bury us alive
but if you find your little self choking on the dust beneath the debris, fighting to survive...
Stop for a second, quiet your mind and listen . Be still. Allow the door of truth to open.
Through just a crack you will see the absolute reality when true vision has awoken.
There is something there that is not fragile, that is permanent, real, remaining as it is.
This timeless awareness of who you are will show you there is so much more than 'this'.
From that place of knowing just watch the insignificant pass and enjoy the changing scenery.
Learn to breathe, learn to smile, learn to love and learn to simply be.
Dale-Lyn Dec 2018
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