The closer you come to the foundation of the ego's thought system, the darker and more obscured becomes the way. Yet even the little spark in your mind is enough to lighten it. Bring this light fearlessly with you, and bravely hold it up to the foundation of the ego's thought system.
ACIM; Chapter 11: Intro:3:5-7
Ego ...still around
I have had a lot on my mind the last month or so. I have been able to transcend it more often than not, to disentangle myself from the situation and the thinking that surrounded it a great deal. I am so grateful for the learning that took me to the place where I could do that. For the most part, I am no longer absorbed in the dramas of my life. At the same time I know this evolving is a practice that will take a life time to perfect....if I ever get that far. Ego, even though he is riddled with cracks and holes, is still hanging around. :) I hear him chattering away in the background. What an annoying little dude.
I have yet to be able to shine the light so fully on ego that it hides away, to completely trust Life enough to fall freely into her arms. Have you?
I made a call yesterday...a simple thing to do but one I debated and debated over. I was almost sick to my stomach as I held the phone in my hand. Only because I was ashamed as health seeking tends to make me because of past experiences.
I had not heard any news about that test that I was told would be done "now". A week and a half had passed since it was ordered so I questioned if I should intervene and find out why or let it be. I swallowed my shame and intervened with a "doing". Why?
Truth is , I am still worried about this thing and had been all along.
Rational Mind Says...
Most of me truly believes it is just ductal ectasia which makes perfect sense to my rational mind. Considering my age, my menopausal status, the mastitis, the little cyst...it explains that this thickening, which is quite extensive, is likely just that.
Yet ....
I find myself several times throughout the day drawn to this mass ( it sounds so dramatic to call it a mass lol but it sounds better than thickening). I can feel it now without having to do anything...it doesn't hurt a lot but it definitely wants me to know its there. I also wake up in the middle of the night feeling it ...I reach up to see if it is gone or at least smaller...I find myself sighing out loud when I realize it is still there. I am sometimes filled with worry.
I guess, I want the conclusive diagnosis ..."just ductal ectasia" instead of "probably nothing" or "we will wait a few months and check it then". I know others are focusing on the cyst and not the thickening. That is why we had quite a difference in our size estimations...man this thing is like two inches that I am feeling (assuming it is what my GP felt too) whereas what they are seeing on ultrasound is only 1/2 inch...that is a big difference. This thing, I am feeling, isn't round and its hard. But then again that is what ductal ectasia ( clogged ducts) would feel like. Wouldn't it???
Rational mind says yes...just ductal ectasia.
Ego Mind Says...
Ego says..."Now hold on here! Don't jump to conclusions. Remember your family history...you are a very high risk. Your sister had stage four breast cancer diagnosed before the age 40, aunt died of breast cancer, cousin died of pancreatic. This could be the big "C" ...you better prepare yourself for that. And don't depend on the health care system...you know what you have been through with your heart. You can't wait 20 years for a diagnosis on this! Someone somewhere is probably already considering you "a liar", a " hypochondriac" and your findings as "insignificant" while this thing eats away at you. That is probably why you didn't get the test done. They are never going to take you seriously until you are dead!"
Man...I don't like my dramatic ego :)
Collecting Evidence that proves Ego Right
So I called and sure enough to feed my ego's need for drama and its need to be right....I was told that there was no referral. I was not surprised. I called down to the breast clinic to find out why...I wanted to hear someone say , "Because it is just ductal ectasia" but what I heard was that they were more surprised than I was. Apparently, they sent the requisition and the radiologist here...sent them back ...stating that there was no need to do another mammogram or ultrasound. This after he told me when he seen me during the ultrasound...that I would need the opinion of a surgeon, they might perform a needle biopsy in the cyst though he seen no need for that right then and that he would do another ultrasound in a couple of months.
But suddenly there was no need for further investigation? It felt like the wind was kicked out of me again. "What about this mass???" ego screamed in panic. And then a "I told you so...it is happening all over again."
It is like a self fulfilling prophecy manifests with any health seeking I do. Getting a diagnosis that puts my mind at rest is never going to be easy for me. Not only that...ego tells me I am being judged and shamed for my seeking again and again. I didn't even want to show anyone that lump for fear this would happen again . Ugh!!!!
Shining the light on ego
Deep breaths, yoga and meditation brought me back to a clearer state of mind.
I showed the lump because, just as something told me I had to make that call yesterday, the same thing told me I had to bring that lump to some one's attention. That inspired action came from something bigger and greater than my ego. I did right to listen...to get past my fear and shame...to take part in inspired action. I did no wrong in showing the lump, going for the tests and making that call yesterday. I can slip away from ego's story of this to a certain peace.
So someone is looking into it. It is out of my hands again. It feels so good to just have it out of my hands. It will turn out anyway it is suppose to. I may or may not get this test done. I may or may not get a correct diagnosis any time soon.
Regardless, I will put it all aside until I hear back from someone somewhere. Whether I hear from the voice of a health care provider or the Voice of something much more wise, does not matter. I will wait and I will do what they ask me to do then. I will handle this life circumstance by letting go. I will do nothing until I hear more direction.
All is well
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