Regardless

Do you want to be happy [peaceful , calm and grounded] from this point forward for the rest of your life, regardless of what happens?
Michael A. Singer( the untethered soul, page 142)

OMG!  Another call.  I thought it was to repeat the ultrasound and I was going to tell the one calling that I am not sure if I would waste tax payers dollars and resources on a test where only the cyst showed up before.  I was going to inform them that I would check with the referring doctors first.  But I didn't have to tell her anything...she told me it was for a mammogram and an ultrasound. The mammogram got ordered after all.  I am not sure what changed his mind but something did from yesterday to today.  I am glad because it hurts more now than it did.

The only thing is that I have to wait 2 and a half more weeks.  I have to wait and wonder over Christmas...when if ego didn't get in the way, I could have had an appointment as per the second  urgent request from the surgeon this afternoon...when if ego didn't get in the way  back when this began over a month ago...I would have had it all done as per my GP's request and we would know what this was.  I would have gotten the diagnosis, "ductal ectasia that caused a complicated cyst" ( I can't remember if it is complicated or complex...he told me it was "simple" but the report said differently.) It would have been out of my mind and out of my life...well at least for a few months until they had to look at the cyst again ...but you know what I mean.

Now as a lovely Christmas gift from a bruised ego ( I don't know where the final punch to it came from...that led to the sudden change in mind) ...I have two and a half more weeks of glorious worry.

Hmmm!  Glorious worry as a gift?

Now  a prolongation of worry  may be ( or may not be)  what this ego is offering me but the question arises: Do I have to take it? And the answer is No!  I definitely do not! 

I mean in the external world sense I could  resist the wait. I could call back down to the breast Clinic...and I could probably get in for a mammogram down there long before Jan 6 and have the opinion of a non biased observer that I wouldn't have to go into full confrontation mode with, as I am assuming will be the case on January 6. I could put up a fuss and manipulate the system somehow.

I am not going to do that though.  I think this is all happening for a reason. This is about so much more than what may or may not be going on in my body.  I need to have the appointment done here because I need to find my way through shame and fear so I can confront what and who needs to be confronted in a healthy, peaceful way...for my sake and for the sake of all those coming behind me. I need closure of this health seeking shame once and for all.

And as far as having to worry.  Of course, I don't.  Worry is a choice for fear rather than peace, for ego rather than a calm and grounded presence.  I choose peace  and I choose presence.  I have learned enough skills over the years to bring me back to this worry free being whenever ego creeps in. What a wonderful opportunity to perfect the practice.

It is all so very good.  All is well in my world.