How a Tree Might View Death

 Praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow come and go like the wind.  To be happy, rest like a giant tree in the midst of them all. 

The Buddha

Looking at Life

Hmm!  I have been fascinated by a couple of things lately: The beautiful big old trees in my yard that sit so undisturbed in the midst of all the things I seem to have going on in my version of Life...bending when the wind blows a certain way, resting without complaint when the skies open on them; embracing the sun and the music of wildlife on their branches...throughout it all...just so undisturbed. Attached to none of it ...yet dependent on all of it.  hmmm!

Looking at Death

I am also fascinated with death.  And not in the morbid sense. I am seeking the beautiful and amazing learning that can only come when we accept  how significant death is and at the same time understand how insignificant. 

We tend to think of death in Western society with an attitude of very intense  "blame, loss and sorrow".  It is one of those many "things" we are conditioned to shut out of our conscious experience because the mere thought of it is so painful. 

The Western View of Death 

The culture of collective fear  supports this pushing away of the reality  of death . When someone dies in North America, the tendency is to immediately cover the body up and hide it away as soon as possible.  The "living" are allowed to peak at it only after it is made to resemble a living being as much as that is possible.  Three days of peaking and confronting death is offered to a select few before the body is hidden away for good. Intense unrelenting grief is then expected of those left behind.  

Because of the way we approach death...as something so taboo, its reality is  pushed away from conscious everyday attention as much as possible. It remains a dark and fearful secret until its inevitability makes itself known to us through the pending or actual loss of someone we love.  In that unexplored, untalked about experience of feared  grief we will find so much unexplored questions leading to   confusion:  "What really happened? Where is the person going?  What will happen to this version of "me" when my time comes? "  These are things we fail to address in everyday Life because of the fear death generates within us . We have resisted so long that facing death when it happens is so very hard for us to. We are carried from the natural experience of loss and sorrow to complete and utter suffering becasue of our resistance to what is. 

The Indian View of Death 

In India there is a place called Varanasi where many  Hindus seek to go to die.  As soon as they percieve their time is coming they do what they can to get there.  The poor who are dying  don thier loin clothes or flimsy Saris and travel around the streets with their alms bowls collecting enough money so they can survive until their time comes, saving, first of all, what they will need to buy wood for their funeral pyres.  They do not shun death...they embrace it.  Though to us visiting Westerns, so afraid of death and suffering, they may seem to be pitiful creatures...in reality ...to those who see beyond fear...they are the most beautiful and light filled human beings imaginable.

Why?  Because they understand death and by understanding death they understand Life. They look at Life in all its reality...acepting and allowing the blame, loss and sorrow into their conscious experience, just as readily as they accept the praise, the gain, the pleasure.  They are not clinging to Life...nor are they pushing death away ( as we are conditioned to do) . They embrace it all. Yet, they  are attached to none of it.

Death is so different in India than it is here.  It is openly displayed, not just amogst the dying who are begging in Varanasi, but in all the funeral pyres which are constantly burning in public.  Death is exposed openly and honestly...therefore it is less feared. (Of course, the belief in reincarnation has a lot to do with reducing the fear of death as well).   

Okay crazy lady...what has that got to do with the trees in your yard?

When I watch my trees (I know they are not mine btw)  standing so gracefully in the middle of all the comings and goings of the world , I think of this nonattachment to Life.  I mean I see the appreciation for it and the absolute joy of being a part of it ...but like the dying in Varanasi, these trees are not denying reality...they just accept and allow both the sunshine and the rain, the breeze and the storm winds, the living and the dying that is taking place around them. It just is. All parts of an amazing experience. They understand death and therefore they undersatnd Life. 

And I am reminded that we do not have to wait until the last breath to die.  "Death," according to Ram Dass, "is just a process of leaving what we thought we were." We may leave our bodies, our psychological me-ness, the people and things of this world that we think are "ours" but we can never leave what we actually are. We are none of these things. 

We can also leave our attachment to things behind...including our judgements, expectations and need to know what Life will give us tomorrow. We can leave behind our fear and our resistance to what is. We can leave behind our overidentification with concepts, stories, beliefs and opinions which are nothing more than mind stuff that keeps us trapped (the trees in my yard do not operate with this mind stuff). We are not these things we cling to. We can simply appreciate. 

Learning to accept death , with a willingness to let go of our earthly forms and psychological identies when the time comes, will help us to accept and appreciate the amazing mystery of Life. And we do not have to wait until we are about to take our last breath  to do it.  We can do it now. 

Only the nonattached mind can appreciate what is. Ram Dass

Hmmm!  How I ramble, eh?

All is well.

Deepak Chopra (2006) Life After Death: The Burden of Proof. New York: Three Rivers Press

Ram Dass/Spiritual Nomas ( July, 2021) Life, Death and the Cycle of Awakening. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQ__qlDf6WI

Searching for the Soul?

 When you ask, "Where is my soul?", the answer isn't a place but a potential. The soul is wherever it is, has been and will be.

Deepak Chopra, Life after Death, page 94 

All is well!

The Secret of the Soul

 "Do you see the sun reflected in the puddle?"

   Savitri nodded. "I do." 

   "Then watch."

     Ramana stepped into the water, stirring up the mud and roiling the water's smooth surface. "Can you still see the sun's reflection?" Savitri admited that she couldn't. "This is why people cannot find the soul," said Ramana. "It is muddied by the mind's constant activity and confusion.  When I destroyed the sun's reflection I didn't kill the sun.  It is eternal, and nothing I do  can extinguish it.  Now you know the secret of the soul, which even Death cannot extinguish."

Exerpt from Deepak Chopra's Life After Death: The Burden of Proof. ( page 47)

I am reading the above book.  I was more or less drawn to it as I have been contemplating death a lot lately.  Many  would find that very morbid, I suppose.  I find it very healing.  The greatest fear in Life, that  most of us have, besides the fear of public speaking lol, is the fear of death.  It is one of those painful realities we have been conditioned in Western Culture to repress and supress...to stuff way, way down. This fear and the pain of contemplating this fear do not go away and it is  constantly triggered by outside events. There really is no escaping this reality but man do we try to! 

I have learned, over the years dealing with one fear or another, that the best way to approach something we are afraid of is right on...I think with death that we have to get past our cultural and conditioned resistance and really look at it, examine it, contemplate it, observe how we react to the idea of it etc. We need to eventually accept and allow death into the human experience.  There really is no escaping it...so getting a better undersatnding of it, is the only option.

When we are willing to look at death openly we begin to look at Self openly and to make contact with that thing we think we have lost but that was never lost, the Soul ( as it is referred to it Christian terms). Once we make contact with the Soul...we see that there is no such thing as death...the Soul goes on, and on, and on...like the  sun.  All that is extinguished when death comes is the physical form, and personality but not the essence of the individual that has passed. 

Hmmm! 

Anyway, I gotta go!

All is well.

Deepak Chopra (2006) Life After Death: The Burden of Proof. Three Rivers Press: New York

Learning to Sit With What Is

Follow the flow of Life instead of following the noise inside the head.

Michael Singer

It isn't Easy!

 As I mentioned yesterday in my very imperfect little video...learning to sit with what is...is the solution to ending suffering and living in peace.  Though it may be a simple concept, "Do nothing! Just sit! Just be!" ...it doesn't mean that mastery of this will be "easy" for any of us.  It took years and decades  and a collective mind conditioning that goes back centuries before that to get where we are now in our pathological and habitual way of dealing with Life. De-conditioning takes time and practice.  

Break it down into small steps

For the mind that is still wrapped in the question, "What can I do?" we may need to use the concept of doing to explain the process of "Do Nothing!" 

Since "sitting with what is"  is a complex learning that can be broken down into smaller steps or increments...we do not start the practice by dealing with the most complex steps.  For example, for those individuals I spoke of yesterday who have very tormented minds ...we don't expect them to sit with all that pain and complicated, destructive and potentionally dangerous thinking all at once. That could prove to be counterintuitive to their recovery and instead of fostering a sense of mastery, it could foster a sense of helplessness and defeat. We start small.

We begin by getting support and guidance. When dealing with mental illness or addiction ...we need support from professionals and others who are trained and qualified to truly understand the conditions. Of course, I want to stress that we are all mentally  ill, whether we are diagnosed with some label in the DSM V or not, when we are caught up in these old accepted and "normal" mind patterns of pushing away pain and seeking to cling to what is pleasurable. Just because a pattern of thinking, feeling, behaving is normal, does not mean it is healthy.  We got that, right? Luckily there are treatment modalities out there, that incorpoarate this "sitting with what is" into there methodolgy. (I am thinking of something called DBT)

Then we start with small things.  Michael Singer reccommends for example that we begin with those Life events that have less of an impact on us...like the weather. So let's do a step by step practice with the weather. 

Using the Weather as an example on how to sit with what is

Situation: You have plans to do something outside that is somewhat dependent on sunny weather but wake up to rain. 

The Normal Reaction 

Before committing to this practice of "sitting with"....your reaction might have gone something like this: You look out and see the rain and feel a tightening in your gut, the hands go to your face as you cringe and say, "Oh no! This can't be! The day is ruined!  Why is this always happening to me?" You begin to remember all the times things like this have happened to disappoint you and you  collect evidence for your victim status.  (Your mind  may even take you all the way back to the original trauma...say, for example, the rainy  day your father left you after promising to take you on a picnic.)  You feel your energy going down, down...you feel yourself getting heavier.  The world looks especially dark.   You may then  snap at your partner, growl at your dog  while the tightness gets worse inside and the " This is bad, wrong and shouldn't be!" become louder inside your head. You are caught up in a conditioned way of reacting to Life...sadly, a very normal way of reacting to Life.  The rain touched some deep dark samskara inside you...a repressed memory, or feeling that was not released years ago. You made a judgement that this rain was a bad thing; you determined that Life was wrong for giving you rain on this day and decided that this rain should not be. That is what  normally happens in a mind that is actively seeking pleasure and pushing away pain. 

Normal is not healthy.  What you have done here is resist what Life was giving you and therefore you were resisting Life, closing down phsyically ( the tightness in belly, the hands over your face), making judgements "bad, wrong, shouldn't be" and getting lost in expectations about how Life should be. Your old repressed stuff got touched and you reacted with even more resistance and closing down. You ended up feeling miserable as did the beings  around you. You are suffering!

Hmm! So let's change this!  Let's commit to "sitting with what is". 

1. The first thing to do, if we dare use that word "do",  is practice meditation, mindfulness when there is nothing to react to.  Of course, for someone with certain conditions there may always be something to react  to . So if you cannot sit and be still...do something physical...a walk, run, yoga or whatever to move the body and move the energy on a regular basis followed by a short, maybe five minute stillness practice, working your way  up to 20 minutes. Commit to this at least once a day.
2. Then use Life as your practce. Starting with small things like the weather. 
3. So, using this situation with the weather, the first thing we need to "do" ( again using that word cautiously)  is notice and observe how we are reacting.  Notice what is happening in your body.  Notice how you are feeling.  Notice what thoughts are going on in your head.  And notice how you are behaving.  Notice! This noticing may start out in a retrospective way...we may have a full blown reaction with all the consequences and only  after we are spent...we may notice how we reacted.  That's okay.  Just notice.  Gradually the noticing will come sooner...maybe near the end of the reaction, with more practice...in the middle of the reaction and eventually at the very beginning of the reaction.  Notice as soon as you can what is happening in your mind and body with this resistance reaction to Life.
4. Recognize it as resistance, a closing down to what is. Recognize that it is a normal "thing" that takes place in you when Life touches your stuff. Notice that we have a tendency to seek and cling to pleasure and to push pain away. 
5. Remind yourself that this way of approaching Life  just adds to your sense of suffering and that it serves no one, least of all you.
6. Recommit to your pledge to "sit with what is"
7. Again...look at what is happening "out there" and what is happening "in you" and simply allow it to be.  Remind yourself that Life is just being Life. Remind yourself that you have no control over the weather. It is what it is. Remind yourself that the mind is just doing what it was trained to do...protect you from pain.
8. Become aware of your habitual need for judgement, expectation and a need know what will  happen next and remind Self that this does not serve you.
9. Look at your judgements of "bad, wrong, shouldn't be"...and reframe them.  For example, when we say the rain is bad...ask, "Is the rain really a bad thing...when it waters the whole earth, giving all beings much needed hydration?" Is it wrong for Life to rain on my day? "There is nothing personal in this rain today...has nothing to do with "me"". Should this not be?  "It is... so it must be." Is there something wrong with me, am I a failure  for reacting like this? "No I am learning and seeking a better way...I won't beat myself up for my learning." 
10. Remind yourself of the first line in the serenity prayer, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change." 
11. Be compassionate with Self
12. Witness what is going on in the mind. Ask , "Who is observing?" so you can see you are not the mind. 
13. Allow the feeling and the experience to just flow through without needing to push it away, cling to it, stuff it etc. Release
14. Observe the distance between Self and what Self is observing. Watch the difference expand with practice. 
15. Monitor your progress.

Hmm! Well that is the way I see it.

All is well!

Michael Singer ( 2007) the untethered soul. New Harbinger/ Noetic Books

Michael Singer/Sounds True (March, 2020) Living From the Place of Surrender. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSzIJc5G9Eo

Do Nothing

 Q: What am I  going to do about this suffering?

  A: Do Nothing.

Note: By no means is this video meant to diminish the suffering experienced in mental illness, nor is it meant to replace the possible need for expert intervention. I am not saying it is easy! Sometimes, it is very, very challenging to sit with what is when the mind is in hyperdrive.  

I am merely saying that the true solution for suffering exists in the mind where it began.  Our willingness to go there, and practice stillness, mindfulness or meditation will offer us the only true  solution to suffering. 

And like any life changing endeavour we take on...we do so in small increments...

All is well! 

Sweet Surrender

 I found this in a hardcopy of old blog entries dating back to 2010, a time where I found myself intensely seeking the end of suffering through meditation. I thought I would share it here.

Sweet Surrender

I close my eyes and breathe in the humid air around me, 

allowing it to fill the space in my belly before escaping back into the universe.

I listen for the silent pauses between each chorus of breeze 

as the elegant leaves twist around the branches above my head.

I sit still beneath these maginificent beings 

that require no label to explain their existence.

I feel my body sinking into the earth, 

becoming one with it and all around me.

I surrender to the state of consciousness within me, 

allowing it to consume me like a lover at one with my soul.

I whisper "yes"  between trembling lips 

as the spaciousness expands  

creating more lucious distance between me and my thoughts, 

my roles, special others, and the things I call mine.

I can see and understand all that exists in the physical realm 

but I am no longer glued to any of it by tenacious strings of ego.

I let go.

Like words that suddenly become sharper 

when the page is held at arms length....

I see it all more clearly.

It is more precious than I could ever imagine 

and I don't need any of it.

All I need is within me.

I suddenly stop breathing for myself.

I stop living my little life 

and instead feel my life being lived and breathed 

by the One.

 

©Dale-Lyn, August, 2010 

Release, Relax and Let Go

 

In a gentle way you can shake the world.

Gandhi

At the end of every yoga practice when I or my students are in Savasana I utter three gentle commands, repetively and very much intentionally, as we progress through each body part on the body scan: "Relax, release and let go".  I want them to let go of muscle tension  in those areas while they are on the mat so the body relaxes fully but I also want them to learn to release mental tension while they are off the mat  so they can  live peacefully.  

Release, Relax, Let Go: The First Step in Living a Peaceful and Joyful Life

It is obvious from all my writing and speaking that the  biggest thing to be learned is that we cannot control Life, right? Life is going to be Life...offering all kinds of wonderful experiences that seem to fill us with joy...and offering all kinds of challenging experiences that can fill us with pain.  Accepting and allowing Life to be Life is a crucial step that begins with releasing and letting go of resistance and relaxing into what Life offers....whatever it offers without judgement, expectation and a need to know what will happen next.  

So whenever we are met with one of Life's bumpy circumstances ...be it in the form of a challenging  event, a "difficult" person or a nasty feeling...the first step is always going to be to "Relax, release and let go of resistance". 

Michael Singer and many great Masters teach this again and again. If we want to live peacefully and joyfully "no matter what" Life is throwing our way. ...we need to learn to lean in softly to all  that enfolds in each given moment instead of getting tight with resistance against it. (That resistance comes with denying, pretending, supressing, repressing, numbing, avoiding, fighting against, controlling, trying to change that which we have no business changing, using this moment as a stepping stone to get to some other moment up ahead etc)  Relaxing, releasing and letting go into what is... is the secret to a happy Life.

Of course, doing so is going to require a certain degree of deconditioning from old habits of judging, expecting and seeking to manipulate, control, fix the world around us so it accomodates us.A  desire to let go of old ways that never worked and a committed practice of trying another way  is necessary.  It might be easier to practice with the "small" things so we gain a sense of mastery over the mind in gradual increments.

A Small Thing

 My cup is missing. I looked for it this morning when I was about to drink my tea and it was gone.  I felt that tightening in my core, that feeling or resistance and I said, "There! Use this as part of your practice. Relax, release, and let go!" Dealing with the challenge of a missing cup is no big deal, is it?  I leaned in to the feeling that I won't be drinking from my favorite cup.  I relaxed into it...released tension and for this morning let go of some need I had to drink from this cup.

Now...it is not just the cup that is the issue....we all know that, right?   It is an ego that is losing its "Me, My and Mine" power that is the real problem.  

Something Bigger

It is also this realization that  came this morning like a flash of light with my missing cup that I am likely  dealing with a passive-aggressive tendency in another.

So my ego which is still swarming with  "I am losing 'Me', 'My' and 'Mine'" is feeling threatened by this tendency in this person ...I first of all don't want to believe it is there. I wanted to believe I was dealing with a suffering being who genuinely needed and appreciated my help when I first opened up my home ...that I was indeed helping.  Still I have been noticing these subtle little things from the beginning that indicate a passive-aggressive tendency on top of everything else.  I can handle just about anything of the biggies in challenging behaviour but it was the possibility of this that was making me all resistant inside. If it is this...I tell myself...I am not helping anyone...least of all, 'me'! I have pushed this suspicion  down,  denied  and ignored this gut twisting knowing  I had all along,...chucked it up to many different things because I did not want to deal with something like this in another.  Man... Passive-aggression  is tough to deal with ! It is like being punched repeatedly in the gut when the lights are out...never being able to prove where the punches are coming from, never being able to know or trust the motivations of another. 

So my cup is missing...no big deal right? It is just a cup...but my missing cup whispers to  me that there is something bigger going on here. My resistance to the fact that this is the way it is...was and is my problem when it comes to my present living condition.

So I am not fighting back...not resiting...I am simply seeing what is...relaxing, releasing and letting go. I accept that this is what I am living with now...It does not mean I will live with this tomorrow.  Definitely not! It just means for now I let go and relax into this...accepting and allowing it to be exactly as it is.  Not judging, expecting or needing to know what will happen next. It is just the way it is.  He is just the way he is.  I am just the way I am.  No big deal. 

Fisrt step: Relax, release and let go! I can do that. 

All is well

Nana's Lessons

Nana's Lesson Number One: Nothing from this Physical World Will Fill You Up  

If I ever get the chance to teach my grand daughter anything, or my grandchildren -to- be something of value...I will start by telling them not to exhaust themselves looking to the outside world for fulfiment or happiness. No matter how tasty "the cake " it offers may be, how fun it is to dig those hands right into it and how tempting it is to cling to it by attaching a big "My" or "Mine" to it. ...it ...whatever it is that is sought out there in the world of form...will not fill some make belief void within  . It may, in fact, actually make them sick. 

Of course, I am not literally referring to this cake my granddaughter had so much fun with but it could  represent a deeper learning, couldn't it? 

I want my grandchildren to learn that they are already whole and complete and truly only need to go inward to see that.  I want them to enjoy Life for sure...to try the cake that is offered, have fun with it, mush it up if they want to but know...in their core...that it is not what they need.  I want them to see that constantly seeking gratification from such cakes will be a futile task. Of course, they will have to enhance that  learning  by getting a few belly aches.  Then,  I want them to know that even the belly aches are as  wounderful as the cake itself, and just as fleeting. 

Hmmm!  There is so much I would like to teach, if I ever get the chance.

All is well in my world.

Ripples in the Mind

 If you can control the rising of the mind into ripples, you will experience yoga.

Patanjali

The Yoga Sutras of Pantajali teach that Yoga is all about the amazing experience we gain when we  learn to control the " modifications of the mind " ( our attachment to and overidentification with  thought and emotional energy).  Yoga is not about trying to control the outside world so it suits our inner world...it is not about fixing, manipulating, changing Life so it keeps our mind peaceful. Its  goal is our  learning to experience our natural state of peace no matter what Life is showing us. 

Say what crazy lady? 

Michael Singer, in his Podcast, Ceasing to be Caught in the Waters of the Mind, explains this teaching beautifully in a way the modern mind can understand.

He uses the analogy of a bird floating on the surface of a body of water to explain how we, as Self/consciousness/awareness,  rest on the mind. We, as awareness and Self (the bird that can naturally soar above the water), are not the mind...we are simply floating on the surface of it. It is important to understand that.

The Natural State of the Mind

The mind, like water, is naturally still, calm, peaceful and when it is still we expereince a smooth peaceful ride through Life. It can be very pleasant. As this awareness, we can see Self clearly reflected on its surface. We can see that we are not mind but something deeper.  We can see that mind, which is neither good or bad, is a tool by which we can see ourselves  and enjoy ourselves and experience ourselves...that is if we don't get lost in it. If we can experience clear mind...we can experience Self. This experience of Self is Yoga.

The natural state of the mind, then, like water is empty of disturbance until some force outside it, some energy causes it to ripple. (There are billions of forces in this world that can cause the water to ripple).  These ripples or "mental modifications", changes in the still pattern( Sanskrit term is Vrtti) disturb that natural state.  The water/mind becomes disturbed. When the water becomes choppy ...when the mind becomes too active...we will not be able to see Self...What was once a clear reflection  becomes  blurry and disturbed. We lose that sense of who we are and begin to see ourselves as beings stuck in this water/mind and  at the  mercy of the water/mind. 

Let me go back a bit to the analogy.

This bird that can naturally fly high lands on the water and floats around for a bit.  He begins to believe that being on the water is his natural state and that  the water is a natural extension of him. He forgets that he can fly and settles into a life of a water floater. When the water is smooth and calm he finds the ride smooth and pleasant. Some nice easy ripples come along that create a tingly feeling in his belly and he really likes that.  He decides he likes this type of ripple and he wants more of this. That is, until suddenly, the wind blows and the storm hits and the water becomes very, very rough...he loses his balance and gets sucked into the water.  The storm picks up and the little ripples become swells that keep dragging him under again and again.  He is swallowing water.  He is drowning and having to do whatever he can not to be totally overwhemed by the waves.  He decides he does not like this type of ripple. Even when the storm passes and the water becomes semi-smooth again....he swears he is going to do whatever he can to prevent that from happening again.  He has made a judgement about what is good, right and should be and what is bad, wrong and shouldn't be.  The nice tingly waves should be...the nasty harsh waves shouldn't be. so he is going to seek the nice ripples and avoid teh nasty.

Trying to Control that Which We Cannot Control

Not wanting to feel helpless and at the mercy of waves he cannot control, he convinces himself that the way to solve the problem and float through this water in a way he likes to...is to control the water.  He convinces himself that he can.  He becomes extra vigalent as to what makes the waves get rough and what makes them smooth or tingly.  He noticed once that when he turned his head to the right...that the waves picked up and became nasty.  He commits to avoid turning his head to the right from now on.  He also noticed once that when he chirped a certain sound or flapped his wings a certain way the water became soft.  He swears he will keep doing things in this way. He is totally committed to collecting memories,  ideas, notions and beliefs about what makes the water smooth and what makes it rough and doing what needs to be done to control the water.

But guess what?

There are times when he has turned to the left that the water got choppy...and there were times when he chirped the  perfect sound and flapped the perfect flap that the waves got rough.  What did he do then?  He convinced himself he didn't "do" it right or wasn't trying hard enough. So he decided he had to be even more observant of the water, more analytical  and more digeilent in his doing, his fixing, his manipulating and controlling.  He became one mixed up bird!

So our minds, in this analogy, are the waters  we are floating on.  These waters, though naturally calm and still at the core,  are constantly reacting to the energy of circumstances,  thoughts and feelings we experience; they are reacting to Life ....creating  primary ripples on the surface.  (What Patanjali referred to as mental modifications.) 

And like the bird, we become convinced we are the mind .  We notice that certain things in Life create a nice peaceful ride for us at times, certain things in life create waves in our mind that make us tingle with pleasure and certain things in Life create waves that make the mental ride unpleasant or worse make it down right nasty. If we do not stay hypervigalent and attempt to control the outside world that is causing our minds to ripple, we convince ourselves, we will get swallowed up by this water.  So we seek, attempt to gain, claim and cling to people, circumstances, thoughts and emotions that feel good and we do whatever we can to avoid the waves from getting rough by struggling and resisting against what is...what is in the external world and what is in our minds.  So it becomes one exhausting ride. 

All because we forgot some important truths:

• We are not the water we are floating on. All we need to do is look into the water when it is clear and smooth without ripples ( the good kind or the bad) to see that we are the one observing it and our own reflection on its surface...not it! So the goal of yoga then is to see beyond the ripples to the natural clear empty state of the mind. To see our Self in that.
• We cannot control Life, just like the bird cannot control the water it floats on.  Life is going to do what Life is going to do.  It will offer us things that please our minds and make them ripple with pleasure and it will offer us things that displease the mind and create the experience of pain. That is Life...and avoiding that truth and assuming we can change these factors will only exhaust us in the long run.  We need to accept and allow Life to be Life...just as we accept and allow our minds to do what they do...ripple.
• Controlling the mind may not be the best choice of words...recognizing how the mind ripples, allowing the ripples, looking deeply into the ripples is a better way to explain how we overcome them.  When we allow pain, for example, into our lives, into our conscious experience......it will ripple and it will flow through.  We do not need to do anything about it. All things in Life come in and flow through our awareness. This is the primary ripple, Singer refers to.
• Resisting the ripples in Life and the  ripples in our minds (Secondary ripples) only makes the water choppier and more challenging to float through.  We really need to stop resisting Life and what it offers...stop resisting thoughts and feelings...and just allow it all to just be.  Suffering is resistance!
• We can actually fly!  We are not stuck in this mind...at the mercy of its ever changing ripples. We can fly above it, transcend it and look down it from a higher place ( higher consciousness) 

Anyway...that is what I learned today. 

It is all so good.

Michael Singer ( June, 2021) The Michael Singer Podcast: Ceasing to Be Caught in the Waters of the.  Mind https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qxMS_el-5yA

A Resistance Cup

The way to become one with the universe is to trust it as you would another.

Alan Watts 

I am drinking tea at the moment from my favorite cup.  It was given to me in a thoughtful little gesture from my daughter. She seen it at the Dollar Store one day, thought of me and baught it for me. It is just a cheap little dollar store cup but it is "mine."

I am very protective of this cup because it not only keeps the tea perfectly hot and is a sentimental object...it is a salute to Yoga. It explains yoga in a few words and it says "I'd rather be doing Yoga" all over it. So I tell people,"  This is my "Yoga" cup, don't drink out of it and leave it somewhere where I won't have access to it!" 

Of course they still do...(as I have explained before ...there is not always consideration for what is "mine" anymore, not that that is a malicious intent, and as I also explained that in the long run  may be a good thing in helping me get past my ego.) Still...I cling to ownership of this cup as I cling to some semblance of "me, my and mine" in this household I percieve I am being so diminshed in.  I resist people using it! 

So I will hide it or keep it dirty until I am ready to use it again...washing it then...just so no one takes this little piece of "me" away. So silly, I know...almost pathetic...but it is just a way to hold onto "my" place here, "a" place here, in a home that was once "mine". This causes guilt and shame in me for not being evolved enough to let go. Then I will justify my clinging, my attachment, my deception by saying..."It is a yoga cup...it was given to me...I have a 'right' to it. " 

This is actually not a yoga cup...it is a "resistance cup", the opposite of yoga. There are three things that make it a resistance cup. 

The first is what it represents to me. Clinging to the cup represents my resistance to my present set of circumstances. 

What I do with this cup is a form of resistance to what is.  I am resisting others physically taking my cup so I can't drink out of it...just like I mentally and emotionally resist others pushing me into the corner of my dining room table so they can feed themselves; just like I resist others not considering  the "me", who is technically and legally the "owner" of this house,  as more than a passing thought that can be swiped away. 

This is my "situation" right now whether it is mostly in my environment or in my mind.  This is  my experience.  My mind is judging it, be it real or not, as "bad, wrong and shouldn't be!"  That is resistance! I am resisting what is.  I find myself also saying, "I don't want this in my life right now!" 

The thing is...it is in my life right now.  My resistance to it is saying, "Okay Life...I don't like what you are doing here.  I think you have it all wrong...this is "bad" and shouldn't be!" 

I am using precious energy to growl Life, to distrust it and to resist it...as if I know better.  I don't know better.   

This is how Life is unfolding in front of me right now.  It is what it is.   Right now...I am in a situation where there is little "me, my or mine", where  I percieve I am losing out to others, where I am feeling like things are being taken from me, be it space, peace of mind or a cup. I am in a situation where I am feeling resentment, fear, diminishment, guilt and shame as well as a good dose of confusion. 

That doesn't mean  it will stay this way...these things will come and they will go....like all the things Life shows us or gives us and it is all okay.  There is no problem in this.  It just is.

The thing that generates the resistance is my mind telling me, "This is wrong, bad and shouldn't be".  It is my looking at what Life offers with judgement, expectation and a need to know how it will all turn out that causes the idea of problem.  It is my attempting to tell Life that "my" way is better when I don't even have a way.lol...that makes my cup and my approach to Life right now one of resistance.

Life knows what it is doing.  I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now.

This cup is also a resistance cup because of what it says:

"I'd rather be doing yoga!" 

When I look at these words as I sit and drink my tea in peaceful solitude...the cup is not looking up at me with the wisdom of a yogic master...it is looking up at me with resistance  to what is.  "This moment," it is basically saying, "is not where you would rather be; what you are doing right now is not what you would rather be doing...you would rather be doing yoga than what you are doing right here and right now!" 

It takes my attention  away from my present moment and puts me into some future moment up ahead where I can do yoga. It takes me from this quiet spot and drags me down to my studio. As much as I love yoga...I cannot be practicing it all the time. 

This moment right here and right now is pretty great as it is...I think right now I would rather be here doing nothing. 

And what is this "doing yoga!" One does not do yoga...one becomes yoga...one falls into perfect unity with all. I mean we "do" asanas in preparation for yoga but we do not "do" yoga. 

The third way this object becomes a resistance cup is because it generates resistance  to my resistance.

I see how I am "reacting" and I feel guilty and ashamed for not being more evolved, for not being able to let go of the "my, mine, and me" of this. I know I am resisting and I am resisting the fact that I am resisting.  I am not leaning into this resistance ...I am not accepting and allowing the resistance within me as a temporary expression that will flow through.  I tell myself my resistance is "bad, wrong and shouldn't be," when just like my present life circumstance, it just is. It is what it is...that simple.  I am where I am at in my awakening and it is exactly where I am supposed to be right now.  I don't have to beat myself up for it.  I can just lean into it.

Hmm!  This little cup has a lot to teach me, doesn't it? Life has a lot to tecah us all if only we would trust her a little more...and accept and allow what she has to offer instead of always resisting it. 

Maybe I need to loosen my  grip on the handle of this cup.  What do you think? 

Let's see, Life, what you are going to do next...

All is well. 

Thanks to Readers Around the World

There is no distant places any longer:  The world is small and the world is one. 

Wendell Wilkie 

Stats are revealing a low readership again. I  have learned that the bit of  readers I am getting are actually over represented on my stats...so the numbers are even  lower than what I see lol . That's fine...I don't get too hung up on that. 

I have to wonder though...why people are tapping in. Why? I wonder.  Are they actually reading what I write? What are they getting from it? Who are they?  What are they like?  Do they think like me or are they interested in what I write because it is so different from the way they think? Are they writers or teachers? Bloggers? 

Maybe they are tapping in because they see me as the what -not-to do in writing and teaching and are using me as an example. Maybe they are concerned or entertained by  my "woo-woo". Maybe they are  getting a kick out of counting typos or grammar errors and are not a bit interested in the content lol ( have had those before in other writing mediums...well I at least am keeping them busy with the the typos :) . 

Or maybe they actually like how I write and what I have to say? 

...Are they respecting what they read here as "my"  stuff, crediting me for it or are they taking it from me ? (I want to remove that thought from  my head as quickly as it comes in but it does come in for some reason. I have to be honest. ) 

Am I helping them in some way?  (How I would love to be helping them) Can they help me? Well they are helping me...regardless if they intend to or not.  They are giving me numbers and hope that I am reaching someone somewhere as I feel pulled to do. They help motivate me to sit.  When I sit down to write I think of them and wonder what I can say or share that will make their journey through Life a little easier. 

So numbers are really not that important as long as I am reaching and touching someone's mind for the better. Am I doing that?

What is fascinating to me...is to see countries from all over the world showing up on my stats again and again, including my own..

Thanks Canadians...for stopping by whether it was intentional or by accident lol. 

It is obvious that someone or someones from below the border is/are consistently tapping in to my page as well. They have the biggest representation. Who are my American friends who are reading this, I wonder.   Is it one or two or more that are taking up most of the space on my stats bar?   So to my American friends...I say thank you very, very much for tapping in to my page so consistently and loyally.  Though I do not know who you are, nor do I need to, I write for you.

Then there is my Romania friend...I am quite sure that is one person lol...showing up quite frequently from so, so far away. Thank you! Again...I don't know who you are or what you are getting from this ...all the same questions that apply above apply to you...I am hoping though you are gettting something "positive" from being here  and  I want you to know that I  see you through the way you represent your country on the stats page.

I get other Eastern European and former USSR countries on my stats as well ...Bulgaria, Hungary and of course a country I am so fascinated by for its history and art ...Russia ... the same thing...thank you. 

European countries show up often: Netherlands, Germany, France, Italy ( and others) 

These countries named are the ones that have been named as the location of readers in the last 30 days. Seeing the names of these countries tickles  a travelling bug within me.  It would be wonderful to visit each and everyone of them...to experience the culture, the art and architecture, the geography, the language and the spirit.

Though the numbers may be low, there are a lot of countries that repeatedly show up in readership. And if these readers are showing  up for healthy reasons and if they walk away with something valuable...that means this message, though it may not be reaching many,is certainly going far.  How cool is that?

Thank you so much readers!!! 

All is well in my world.  

A Grandmother's Promise

 

 For My Granddaughter

Though the same ancestors

that whisper within  me, 

 sing softly to you as you dream,

you are not mine.

You belong to Something

so much greater than this 

aging earthly form of mine,

of anything this world can provide. 

Neither,  am I your mother, 

your father 

or your brother-to-be

in this world that 

is now your home.

Nor am I like  the other grandparents 

you call Poppy and Nannie

who live so close

they claim you as their own.

I can claim nothing.

I am simply a heart 

that swells when it sees you,

a mind that so wants 

to teach you and  create stories for you,

a mouth that cannot help 

but smile and laugh when it is with you,

ears that turn your giggles into music,

arms that ache  to hold you,

a lap that is here to rock you,

eyes that see every bit of you

in your perfect imperfection.

And I am a soul that has known this "you" 

much longer than you have known yourself.

As you wobble,  pitter patter and run 

through this life God has given you

on chubby, awkward feet,

experiencing each blade of grass,

each bit of light that shines on you,

each face you encounter

as something miraculous and new...

I will not stand in your way,

or fill your mind with 

explanations and limiting labels.

I will just watch in awe

as you breathe it all in. 

I will not demand your time, 

your attention,

any special affection

nor  will I ever expect

that you be in anyway like me...

But my darling, precious  girl...

please know 

I will always be here 

with my heart, my eyes 

and my arms wide open

ready 

to recieve you exactly as you are...

whenever you reach for Nana.

Happy Birthday!

Express the Messy You

 Ultimately there is no failure...it is just a part of the learning process. It is only the ego that is afraid of failure.

Eckhart Tolle

Only the Ego

That is so true, isn't it?  When I bring my imperfect self to this page iand express it in prose, the  images I took, poetry or videos that are all so imperfect ( Man ...counting the typos and grammatical errors alone could keep someone busy for  along, long time) ego is afraid...ego is very, very afarid.  Why?  Because ego does not like the  vulnerability that comes when we shed our false faces and suits of armour and just stand there as transparent as can be. 

It is the Wise Self within that says..."Speak! Write! Shoot! Share! the most real you."  

Ego cringes and says, "No...that real you is so "messy" and so so tender...it will get hurt...only share the most perfect you. Put on your false face and your protective costume and only speak the lines you rehearsed that someone else has written." 

Ego doesn't like it when we present the messy brokenness of who we really are. It  wants only the perfect finale...and does not want to risk mistakes, failures and ultimately rejection.  It would rather we didn't do the thing we loved authentically than it would for us to risk failure.

The only way to do what we love, however,  is to start doing it imperfectly...start failing and finding joy in doing no matter how it turns out.  We know we are going against ego's wishes and following Spirit's guidance when we love what we are doing while we are doing it, without concern for outcome.

That is what it is like with me and writing...coming here...so, so far from perfect but so very much me. Sigh!

All is well in my world. 

Life, A Karmic School

 In School

I used to go to a bright school
Where Youth and Frolic taught in turn;
But idle scholar that I was,
I liked to play, I would not learn;
So the Great Teacher did ordain
That I should try the School of Pain.

One of the infant class I am
With little, easy lessons, set
In a great book; the higher class
Have harder ones than I, and yet
I find mine hard, and can't restrain
My tears while studying thus with Pain.

There are two Teachers in the school,
One has a gentle voice and low,
And smiles upon her scholars, as
She softly passes to and fro.
Her name is Love; 'tis very plain
She shuns the sharper teacher, Pain.

Or so I sometimes think; and then,
At other times, they meet and kiss,
And look so strangely like, that I
Am puzzled to tell how it is,
Or whence the change which makes it vain
To guess if it be--Love or Pain.

They tell me if I study well,
And learn my lessons, I shall be
Moved upward to that higher class
Where dear Love teaches constantly;
And I work hard, in hopes to gain
Reward, and get away from Pain.

Yet Pain is sometimes kind, and helps
Me on when I am very dull;
I thank him often in my heart;
But Love is far more beautiful;
Under her tender, gentle reign
I must learn faster than of Pain.

So I will do my very best,
Nor chide the clock, nor call it slow;
That when the Teacher calls me up
To see if I am fit to go,
I may to Love's high class attain,
And bid a sweet good-by to Pain.

― Susan Coolidge, What Katy Did

Retrieved from Good Reads https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/9550282-in-school-i-used-to-go-to-a-bright-school

Learning From Pain

I have had an intense immune response to the vaccine as some people have.  I am okay with that.  I would get vaccinated all over again if I had to...knowing that the  development of antibodies in my little form will lead to a herd immunity that will help so many others. My reaction( which included fever, chills, aches, extreme fatigue, inability to eat and a very swollen and painful arm pit) , it seems, according to what I read, falls into the 0.3 % of the population  who have had the type of vaccine I had. 0.3%

My family laughs..."Of course...if it is going to happen to anyone...it is going to happen to you." 

Now that is what I want to discuss today...not my response to a vaccine that can save lives...but the fact that I  and the people who know me view me as an "unlucky soul".  Being in this 0.3 %, validates  that I am also often in the 0.3 %  for "a lot of crazy and 'unfair' things happening around me or to me ( again ...whoever 'me' is),  more so than maybe a lot of others. (I stress that it just appears that way!)

Lesson Not Luck

Not for a moment do I believe "luck" has anything to do with my life circumstances.  I deny the  voices of collective unconsciousness that comes from my celtic ancestors and say that no amount of  horsehoes hung in my doorway will change this. What I am experiencing as "unlucky", if those perceptions are correct, come from more than just random forces at play.

I look at my version of life now...as a perfectly planned karmic expression. 

Say what, crazy lady?

Life, A Karmic School

A discussion on karma and reincarnation, as  tabboo and blasphemous as it may seem to many of us raised in the West , is required to explain my thoughts here. Yeah,  I have studied and continue to study  these things in detail. The more I do...the more they make sense to both my spiritual mind and my practical mind. I just finished reading, Many Masters, Many Lives by Dr. Brian Weiss.

So let's look at what seems to be an unfair allottment of heavy life circumstances onto my plate. 

 I am presently dealing with many  heavy life circumstances  in my own personal life while picking up and absorbing the suffering of others. There is a lot to deal with.  For so long...I cried out, "It is just too much!" only to have more of the same dumped on me. 

So Much but not  Too Much

There is a lot. That is my truth.  I have, however,  recently been able to change the recurrent thought, "There is just  too much" to "There is so much"...which makes it so much easier to deal with the complicated and multiple issues I am asked to cope with  day in and day out.  So I admit to having "so much" to deal with , sometimes to the point I am frustrated and overwhelmned by it...but at the same time I know it isn't "too much".  I have been equipped with  everything I need to deal with it. ...and this reframing reminds me of that. 

Now, I honestly believe we are never given more than we can handle and that everything we are given has some learning value in it. We are given what we need to handle in order to learn what we are here to learn and move on.  There are things in this life...that I didn't learn well...so the lessons get repeated . These remedial  lessons may show up in a multitude of new challenges, sometimes all at once. Yeah...it can feel  overwhelming ...like we have just been given way too much homework from a cranky teacher.  I believe, however,  if we do not do our best to accept the spiritual homework and get it done, to trust the wise and good intention of the teacher (Life) we are going to end up in summer school.  We will always seem to be in school and not enjoying this life we have been given.  Avoiding the learning, then,  is not the answer. 

Repeating 

Besides.... If we do not graduate in this life time...we will be starting where we left off in the next. Yeah...I believe we come back again and again  in different forms and different circumstances until we master what Life is meant to express through our learning.  Crazy, huh? Can you hear the music from the Twilight Zone playing in the background?

The cool thing about this is...as tough and unfair as it may seem , we really have no one to blame but ourselves. We helped to develop the curriculum.  We helped to decide what was needed to be learned in each Life time and what learning design we would use.  I believe that too ( the music getting louder?). 

I know that is a lot to swallow and I am really not asking you to.  For most of my life I thought the idea of karma and reincarnation...all the teachings and teachers that came from the East were from "Bizarreville" . No way was my mind going there. Now, that I am open to everythng I see the wisdom in those teachings...that doesn't mean you have to. 

My point of all this was that I am okay with being in the 0.3 % of the human population in terms of how "luck" is distributed.  I am okay with my circumstances as intense, varied and many as there may seem to be at one time. I am okay with being in the infant class in the school of pain as the poet above describes. I sit myself down and say, "Okay what am I learn from this?" I  even say "thank you"  to the teacher I am learning to trust has my best interest at heart even when she keeps sending me to the Principle's office with a request that I repeat a lesson, a course or a year.  Hmmm!

All is well. 

Truth and Reconcilliation

 

Truth and Reconcilliation 

As your ancestors 

cry out to be heard

through the chaos 

that makes up 

this world of  lost, 

busy and greedy minds,

a world too many still cling to 

with white knuckles and heavy breath

as if it is the only reality,

my ancestors 

bow their head in shame

within me.

I feel the heaviness 

of their shoulders 

dragging mine  down

away from  ears

 full of the echoed cries of children,

of  lost women, 

of brave souls

mortally wounded by broken promises 

and exhumed from  the sandy depths 

of someone else's

unconsciousness. 

These ancestors within me

cry out for forgiveness

as they see clearly 

what they could not see

when they walked around in forms

that felt so righteous

 in their taking 

of that which was never theirs. 

The red, once proudly worn 

with national pride,

is replaced with the saffron

worn by those 

who have achieved 

the sight of truth

few will ever achieve 

in this busy world.

Though my form 

that carries the sins of my fathers

may never be worthy 

to wear such ceremonial dressage,

I do so with the hope

of healing for all. 

© Dale-Lyn, July, 2021

Sigh!  It was a sad and strange Canada day for me.  I, as if in some form of pennance for what my ancestors have done, ( yes we carry the sins of our fathers) was quite ill from the vaccine I received the day before. My immune system is working...let me tell ya.  (I am now fully vaccinated...which is truly something to celebrate!)  But I did not celebrate.  I was not so proud of both my Catholic and my Canadian history.

As someone who tends to suck up the emotions of others, I always felt, I guess , the suffering of the indigenous population around me.  I seen the totally absurd and uncalled for prejudice and even hatred directed toward them...I felt their dispondancy, their intense pain ... as well as their buried anger. I seen how "my people" ( I hate that) tried to strip their beautiful and amazing culture and tradition , as well as the land they settled thousands of years before we arrived , from them.  I did feel the absolute  injustice of it...so much so it hurt.  

But it was too much pain to carry, I guess.  It was easier to walk away from it, not think about it and pretend it didn't happen, pretend it wasn't still happening. 

What was unburied in my country, not so long ago, cannot be buried again. The sad and beautiful thing about this discovery...is that it is free and open...truth has been revealed.  We cannot walk away and pretend anymore. We must go forward into this truth.

Healing can not happen when things are buried within us...we must bring everything to the surface, as the bones of these dear children were.  Maybe , with the revealing of this gruesome truth, healing can truly begin for all of us.

All is well. 

Wise Words From Alan Watts

 The following are a collection of thoughts taken from an Alan Watts lecture:

We are busy beings getting everywhere, eliminating distance...until the two ends of the journey become the same place.[the whole point was traveling that distance, not eliminating it]

In music one doesn't make the end of the composition, the point of the composition[ yet this is what we do with our lives]. 

The whole point of the dancing is the dance.

It[ the life we missed while we were so busy getting some place]was a musical thing and you were supposed to sing and dance while the music was being played. 

You just had to do that thing-you didn't let it happen.

Man is the animal pecularily aware of time sequence. [And though that awareness helps him to predict for survival reasons, it also increases anxiety because man knows in some part of his mind ...that "it is all going to come a part in the end", anyway]

Existence is musical in nature-not serious-a play of all kinds of patterns- all different beings and things doing their stuff.

Tzu-Jan is the chinese word for nature and it means " that which happens by itself"

Most of Life is a spontaneous process... 

[and we need to let it happen by itself]

Hmm! Beautiful words of wisdom.

All is well.

Alan Watts/Wiara ( November, 2017) Let It Happen By Itself. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rC-IsCryRlE

How we spend our days

How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.

Annie Dillard 

 Spent my whole morning so far going through my yoga page...reviewing it, analysing it...making sure it will meet with someone else's approval. ..even though I hear myself saying in another  breath..."It doesn't matter what others think"lol Such a walking contradiction the mind can be, eh?  Did not meditate or record my dreams from last night, let alone get into my novel.  So strange what I spent my time doing today...reviewing the past I guess and boys did the time go. 

If the above quote is right...I am spending my life looking backwards at my so called achievements and so called failures...determining how others will react to them?  Man...I don't like that. lol.  I want to write and speak and teach and give whatever I can with whatever time I have left without any attachment to outcome...with not one concern about how it will be recieved.  I don't want to spend a moment wondering if what I did in the past is okay with someone else. ...

Now that I am finally here... I am not sure what I want to write about...if anything.  Hmmm! Lesson learned?  I am not sure yet.  

All is well. 

Think Through the "What About Me?" Until It Dies

 Confusion usually results from not following ideas and feelings to their death...think it through!

Alan Watts

When we have a feeling, especially of confusion, we really need to think it through before we act upon it. Would you not agree?

A Personal Example

I have been feeling more than a little overwhemed at times. I  feel more than a bit heavy, more than a bit stuck.  I feel confused, mostly, as to what I am supposed to do with all this.  My ego mind (as well as many of the individuals who are observing my situation)  automatically assume I have to make some changes in my external world like kick people out so I regain "my" space, become more assertive so my needs are met and  regain or at least maintain some semblance of "power" that I "percieve" others are taking from me. This higher and wiser part of my thinking self , however, knows that I am simply confused and I  need to explore these feelings and thoughts right to their death  before I make any life changes. 

As I look deeply into these feelings, I am reminded over and over again that I am losing any semblance of  "My" and "Mine"...I see how I am literally being pushed to the edge of this picture of "my home" and this "perception" is leading to a mixture of feelings ...mostly confusion.  

I find myself in a "What about me?" confusion. I really want to look into this.

Just a Chair

For example, I had a particular seat at the kitchen table that I have been using since I moved in here...It provides an  easy access because I am  the one usually setting the table, putting the food down and running to get what is needed for a meal.  I and the kids always referred to it as my seat. No one sat in it but me. It was just a chair but it was "My Chair!"

Well someone who came to stay with us  has somehow claimed it for his chair. Oh I tried, in the beginning of this individual's arrival into my home, to passively stake my claim to it  by making little territorial gestures, dropping hints, getting there first.  There were several times I mentioned, "I usually sit here because it is easier...that is why I moved you over there" only to find him in "my chair" the next meal. . Others and myself even referred to it loudly  as my seat in front of the individual on many, many occassions.  I would, at the beginning, set his place at another part of the table but he always seemed a little begrudging when I did that and kept ending up in my seat when I didn't have a chance to control the seating the following meals.  

I was not sure what was going on with this mini battle.  I was not sure if he simply still, after all the assertions, hints and what not ,was not getting that it was "my seat" he was claiming or if it was a deliberate gesture of dominance on his part. It was really a source of contention for me.  I felt like I had to fight for my place, for respect, for control ...it became a competetion to reestablish my power at the table and therefore in my home...it was exhausting.

Detaching 

At the same time this was happening with "my chair", I was trying to establish a state of  mind and being that was free of "me, my, mine" ...so I didn't want to assert right out loud, "This is my seat...stay out!" That seemed counterintuitive to my ultimate goal to become detached. (I was obviously very attached to my seat...which in a sense was representative of me being attached to the "ownership role" of this house and "my life" as well as a certain power and control that came with it.) 

Wanting to advance spiritually and compassionately, I therefore took the time to attempt to understand all the variables that might be behind him taking my place at the table.  I figured  he might be experiencing a sense  of being trapped on the other side of the table where I usually placed him (He suffers with paranoid delusions); he has very poor short term memory because of the damage done so he might forget that is my chair; and he feels the need to be physically close to his father etc etc . I felt compassion and kindness with that realization and I decided I would take  the higher ground in order to keep the peace... and in order to advance away from ego  as well. I let go of my chair to him.

Letting Go? 

Well...I thought I let it all go when I began to refer to it as his chair ...but I didn't.  The resentment and this feeling of being taken advantage of still lingered even after I would have these long conversations with myself, Well "who" exactly is being taken advanatge of ?  Who owns  the "my" in my chair and my house?  Is this the self I want calling the shots etc? Whose "rights" are being impinged here...ego's or the higher Self's?  This is just a chair! Is it worth giving up your peace for?

I realize that this is a wonderful lesson in letting go of ego...and I feel better for a bit when I realize that and I let go  but eventually ego will step in again to stir up some drama. I  then feel the resentment and the "this is not okay!" telling me I have not let go completely ...obviously. 

No room for "me"

Now this situation is complicated by the fact that because another needy individual has entered my space...I am using half the dining room table as my writing spot.  It is crowded and congested with computer equipment, books and papers etc. It is obviously not the best  place to write, leaving only a few spaces at the table to eat and I feel so "this should not be!"at times  

I do most of the cooking but on nights I teach yoga and nights where they are not willing to wait I do not cook for them.  They cook for themselves without any thought of when, where  or what I will eat...which is okay...I seriously do not expect other people to concern themselves with my vegetarian choices.  But because my dining table is now  cut in half  ...there is no seating for me during these meals...They sit down together with their meal with no thought to what I will eat, no concern, no place set, no seating for me  at "my" table. Despite my assertions about the importance of family eating together...they plan and carry on a family meal in which I am not even in the picture. I hear myself crying out in my mind "What about me?" and it sounds too pathetic to utter it out loud. 

At the same time, I know that there is no "me" of value.  I don't want my hurt little ego entity to have any say in the decisions I make. I don't want to appear "selfish". Watts reminds us in the video below, however,  that we are all inherently selfish.  We just need to consider who "self" is...who "me" is?

So last night as I found myself crunched up in the corner in front of my computer after throwing something together for myself because meat was added to the salad before I was offered any...I was  angry as the thought whirred through my head:  "What about me? This is my table...my home that I am allowing others to stay in ...I cook 80 % of the meals and do 100% of the clean up...why am I excluded from this meal like I don't even exist?" I ("little me") carried that resentment with me like a stomach bug for the rest of the evening. 

I came across this Alan Watts video this morning. I am willing today to think my confusion through until it dies.  I am going to look deeply into my resentment here listening to ego, sure, and what it has to say about it all but really listening to Self ...it is that wisdom I will ponder until the thought and the feeling related to "What about me?" and "My Chair at my  table in my home...not yours " dies.  Then maybe I will make some changes in my external world...or maybe I will make some changes in my internal one...who knows.

All is well. 

Alan Watts/Philosophy and Esoterica ( Feb, 2019) Alan Watts on Exploring Your Dark Side. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OakcVC6Z9g

As it Will

 Don't seek for everything to happen as you wish it would, but wish that everything will happen as it actually will-then your life will actually flow well. 

Epictetus

Numbers are way down again and that oddly relieves me as much as it concerns me.  "Am I reaching all those I am supposed to be reaching?"... is replaced by, "Whew...Life is telling me I can do this for "me" again...so I learn what I am here to learn."  

Wishing everything to happen as it is happening...is a heck of a lot easier on the mind and body than wishing it will turn out a specific way. 

With no expectation...no judgement and no need to know what will happen next...is the way to approach each moment as it unfolds before us.  Opposition to what it provides only brings stress and damns the flow of life energy through us and around us.

We went away for a night this weekend ...I really thought I needed to get away from all the clutter of bodies, stuff, emotion  and circumstance that has been congesting my living space.  I guess...I went with a bit of expectation, judgement and a need to know what would happen next because ...I found myself dissatisfied with how things turned out at times and even complaining to some degree. I complained about the expensive motel room we booked that had a bathroom half the size of my bedroon closet...and an expensive meal at one of the restaurants that I could not eat. I reacted to the weather when the sun we left with turned into rain. I had "assumed" that getting away would perk me up and  all the less than favorable circumstances and negativity that was clinging to me would just slide off with each Km we got away from home base. ...but it didn't. I expected the weekend to "fix" everything in my head and heart.  I therefore made judgements that this or that was "bad, wrong and shouldn't be" when it didn't fix it and I began to spend a lot of the trip  planning and preparing for the next moment ahead.  Sigh!  I was pretty stuck in old ego ways. 

I realize after I observe myself in these situations that it is not the readership, the situations or what happens but my wishing it would happen a certain way that causes any so called suffering. Just allowing things to be as they are will make Life flow so much easier.

We need to start wishing that everything will happen as it will instead of how we demand it should. It needs to be "Thy will be done" rather than "my will be done". 

Any dissatisfaction I have with my stats, my trip or my present living sitautions has little to do with the trip events or weather  and little to do with my present set of circumstances, as challenging as they may seem to be to others. It has to do with what my mind is saying about them...that's all.

My thinking is the problem...not Life.  As Eckhart Tolle teaches in Achieving Happiness Beyond Thinking, true peace, joy, 'happiness' comes when we are able to transcend the trap of thinking so many of us are caught in. 

Hmmm!  All is well in my world.

Eckart Tolle (June, 2021) Achieving Happiness Beyond Thought https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCCi38nIVzA

In the Company of Friends

 

In the Company of Friends

When the chaos begins to swirl around me 

threatening to knock me down,

I seek their grounded  company.

I sit in amongst their warm circle,

absorbing their green strength 

and healing nature. 

They sing to me, 

in the most soothing 

of voices,

and whisper to me 

that it is all going to be okay.

Within their full maternal arms

I am rocked 

and protected from my dreams.

I lean in 

and they sigh 

with appreciation for my trust.

I let go 

They soak up my pain  

one precious drop at a time....

All that was problematic

all that was not real...

they breathe back to me,

 clean, and transformed

in beautiful breaths of

spacious and  refreshing air.

I seek the company of friends

so I can  breathe 

for the first time all day.

© Dale-Lyn (Pen) June 25, 2021 

Resonating With Suffering

 Empathy is the faculty to resonate with the feelings of others.  When we meet someone who is joyful, we smile.  When we witness someone who is in pain, we suffer in  resonance with his or her suffering.

Matthieu Ricard

So much suffering around me.  Sometimes I fear it is going to break me. I get to the point where I feel so saturated with other people's suffering that if I absorb just one more drop, I imagine I  will explode.

 For the most part...when I am there in the moment witnessing and supporting...I feel okay.  I feel I can handle it. I can support, empathize, stay calm and open, provide a little wisdom and presence if required and do some good.  My gut takes over guiding me as to what to say or telling me when to shut up and say nothing. A wisdom often comes out of this presence that would never come out of a reactive mind. 

But...and you knew there was going to be a but, right?...when I walk away from whatever was shared with me or what I observed or was the target for...I feel so much heavier. I feel like I sucked up every bit of negative energy in that experience.  I visualize parts of me dripping out behind me to make room for what I just absorbed as I move on to another crisis ( and for some reason...in my experience of life ...these  "suffering" manifestations  always come in clusters...just like my chest pain does with very little reprieve between one attack and the other.  I never seem to have time to fully process, regain my balance or catch my breath before I am confronting another whammy.) And just like I feel during an angina attack my chest gets heavy and shrivels up and my gut gets tight when I feel their suffering. .  I am completely exhausted afterwards like I was the one that broke down. I feel it so physically. Some times it is hard to distinguish between an empathy attack and an angina attack. Sigh!

And the sad thing is... there are times I absorb all this only to have the person tell me it didn't help. Even when I can almost see the heaviness sliding off of them, the darkness lifting from them, they may turn to me and say that not only am I not helping, I am making it worse. It is like WTF? Why do you need me here then? Why am I doing this if it is not helping you and hurting me? Sigh.  My inner guidance  tells me at times I can listen though that it did help them, but not their ego. 

I can respond clearly and calmly for maybe the first two individuals that "need" me that day, depending on their level of emotion and the circumstances (dealing with a slip in recovery or the unfair treatment by a narcisstic partner is easier to deal with than witnessing the terror that comes with a paranoid delusion of someone having another psychotic break in which you are the source for suspicion or the expression of another not wanting to go on living)...but as it is in my experience... there is usually a number three and a number four, sometimes a number five to deal with that day.  And anyone from number three on is going to have a soaking wet sponge , already oversaturated to pick up their pain with. I am , by no means, a "Bounty Man Sponge" like in the commercials. I may look like them around the middle these days...but that's about it. I have four biological children, a step son and a grandaughter...with two more grandchildern along the way.  With the exception of the grandchildren, each of these individuals have a very significant amount of suffering in their lives and they look to me for support, guidance, and empathy. I am just one very broke, less than healthy. far from perfect mother. There is only so much of this imperfection to pass around. 

  There are times I have nothing left to give.  I'm done. Then I feel so guilty...I feel so sad when I get to that point I cannot absorb another drop as I watch myself close down.So, ironically,  I am always very grateful for the universe, as I plea for forgiveness, for prioritizing for me when it offers me the most needy things to deal with first. I also get angry and frustrated at times, looking up and calling out, "Why can you not just stop it with the onslaughts? Why can you not give us one thing to deal with at a time...or at least make the things we have to deal with a little less challenging?Why can you not provide enough other support for us so we can deal better?   Or  if  we are not meant to have more support, why can you not wrap me in more bounty sheets making me a more effective "quicker, picker upper!" so I have more room in me  to absorb at least some of the pain from them?  

I will also cry out at times, "It is just too much!!!" I know as soon as those words levae my mouth that that isn't true. This is simply as it is...not too much even though it feels too much.  It is what it is and it is all meant to be.  I had recently prayed for an acceleration in this awakening process. Maybe just maybe...this is all part of the acceleration for all of us to become more concious at a deeper level. I don't know.  I don't know much...but I will trust that Life has all our backs. 

So...yesterday was a challenging day...started out feeling good providing small services for others and then I walked into one suffering experience after the other.  By the evening I was toast...completely burnt out. 

I woke up this morning after a hard sleep with so much grief, worry, concern  as well as all those residual emotions I absorbed yesterday that are not my own. So I sat down to meditate over this and  I felt I had a choice...I could do one of those meditations that would make  all the energy that was not mine  slide off...or I could do a meditaion that opened up my heart more and created more space in me or around me so I could absorb more (Tonglen).  I wonder if you can guess which one I chose.

All is well.