And the story continues...but doesn't have to...
I wrote what I wrote a few days ago...Strange Tale of Truth and Tooth....just facts and truth with little emotional attachment and no intention, what so ever, to give ego the starring role as "victim." At that point, I was simply the calm, cool objective observer witnessing a life drama (from a distance) and sharing it...only because it seemed so bizarre and interesting. It was amusing...not disturbing. How quickly one can go from being amused by Life, however, to being disturbed by the mind's reaction to Life.
Later that day and into the next, I began to think about it and found myself saying..."I feel so bad for everyone involved, mistakes happen and I should just let it go as my wanna be yogi nature instructs..."
That would be the sensible thing to do...maybe...but as I am discovering I am not yet the sensible yogi I want to be...at least I cannot stay put in the seat of observer...
From Calm Observer to Triggered Participant
Just as I am congratulating myself for remaining so calm...Shamer ego pops into my mind to have its say, telling me I "should be ashamed" of myself for even sharing this story in writing and possibly hurting or offending others. "This is not what a spiritual or evolving being does!!!"
Once that shame spiral gets triggered, it gets more and more demeaning really fast, doesn't it?
"It is just your body. What should that matter to you or anyone else? There must be a reason why all these things keep happening to your body that there is little to no external validation or help for. Maybe, it is is all insignificant or maybe, you are insignificant ...or maybe,... you deserve it!"
So, feeling the heat of shame on my face and caught up in this unpleasant shame spiral triggered by my honest and somewhat public reflection, I resist the trigger...the "what isness" of this life circumstance. I take the story down.
More Triggers
Then, this morning I wake up hearing the body complain loudly...the neck is sore, and I realize there is definitely something going on in there that is problematic. I know, in my gut, that this has to be looked after. I might have a "broken neck" for God's sake.
And my mouth and cheek are swollen again...I have abscesses. I even have a little fever that comes and goes. Sigh! The Mitral Valve prolapse didn't go away over night. I know I cannot keep having these mouth infections without eventually getting an IE. It has been almost 6 months, and five rounds of antibiotics, since it all began and the source of the problem has yet to be addressed.
The Activity of the Triggered Mind
So, fear creeps in at the idea of maybe having to go into emergency again...for both the neck ( I probably should have the neck immobilized in some way) and the mouth. I don't want another antibiotic but what do I do?
I start to feel frustrated, then angry. These thoughts keep circulating in my head pulling me from shame into 'justifiable' anger and resentment. I begin to think that beacause my anger is justified, I should let it spin into a victim narrative. ( I know better than that but I let it go there, just the same.) I put the story back up and here I am on the sequel. Sigh...
"You would think that an "emergency root canal" would be done...knowing the extent of this infection! They made the mistake! Why is the patient having to pay for their mistake in a way...if I am not being too dramatic...that could cost them their life? That is absolutely crazy!!! I still have to wait months to get in for a procedure that should have been recognized as an "emergency" in April and performed right away. That was almost six months ago, and I am still waiting. And look what I had done since then? I had wisdom teeth removed that didn't have to be removed. I developed a sinus issue from that procedure that inadvertently led to a possible fracture in my neck because I had to go off my osteoporosis meds as I wait. It doesn't make sense!!"
Then the mind goes back to frustration over 'the idea' (and it just an idea fostered by a core belief...not necessarily truth) that I have to once again push beyond the barriers to get people to hear me, "I need help for this body!" ...knowing full well that they may not.
That brings me back to fear of more shaming. That fear-shame mind activity goes like this: "Can I get them to hear me this time? They did last time but by the law of probability...next time I might not be so lucky. These barriers seem so impenetrable sometimes for this shame-based "me" to push through.
Do I have enough objective signs? I need objective evidence to prove my point.
Maybe they won't do a neck X ray...maybe they will discount my complaints as insignificant....or maybe they will order one and nothing will show up on it? Then man...that is more shame on "me". What about the mouth? I can't give some tired nurse or doctor this long ramble about my mouth again, can I? They will likely just say or think, "Just go to your dentist!" How can I explain in that 30 second window an ER patient has to explain the nature of their problem without losing the attention of the listener that I have been to the dentist or trying to get into the dentist to get this resolved many, many times since April ....and bizarre things are happening? I need objective signs they can see. What objective signs can I bring with me as armour? I am swollen enough now but the swelling comes and goes and by the evening it will be gone in my face, if not in my gums. Maybe I will wait for this fever to amount to some "objective sign" that cannot be disputed by others or by the nature of my own fear/shame mind? "
Jumping Into the Cyclone of Mind-Stuff
That is the activity I am witnessing going on in this mind now. It is all so bloody cra-cra. What goes on in this mind...the human mind in general...is so crazy making...yet not only do we tend to observe it...we humans will jump right into that mental cyclone and go for a nasty ride in it. We will allow it to take us away.
Sigh! I see what I am doing...yet I do it anyway. This does not help me deal with reality. Does it?
Reality
What is the reality I am dealing with? There is the reality of life circumstance that unfolded in front of this human. What happened happened. Everything I wrote in the previous entry is true. Remove any assumption, presumptions, speculation, and 'ideas' from it, however, and what do you have?
The Boring Facts
Tooth infection in April...seen dentist...referred to Oral Surgeon for extraction of wisdom teeth believed to be the problem...also hear that a tooth needs to be extracted but that "specialist" will remove it because of health history...informed urgent referral is made because cause of infection should be addressed within two weeks...antibiotics given...bisphosphonates stopped....after a month of waiting for urgent consult for OS...infection becomes obvious again...call dentist office to inform them I have infection and am still waiting to hear from OS...another round of antibiotics ordered at my request...2 months after dentist visit have OS consult...OS explained that two wisdom teeth will be removed...no real oral exam done during consult and no mention of infected tooth...explained that being that one tooth is nestled up to the sinus there could be damage done to the sinus during procedure... could easily be repaired but worse case scenario there might be a chronic sinus issue...two weeks later procedure done...D. tells me he has been informed by surgical team that I need to have a tooth extracted when I get home to prevent IE...(remain off bisphosphonates)....week later I ask OS nurse about this during follow up check in...she hesitates but tells me that I have a cavity and if I have regular check ups it will be taken care of...noticing frequent and somewhat violent sneezes since procedure and pain in cheek...two weeks after procedure call to dentist office made to ask for clarification of what D. had heard...told that consult note was received from OS and I should be seen right away...see same referring dentist that day...told consult from OS said I have "a pimple"/abscess behind tooth indicating a deep infection in tooth...examination done...surprise expressed over the fact that I have absolutely no pain or feeling in that tooth during examination...explain that I am experiencing cheek pain and sinus issues...further investigation revealed infection in pulp of tooth...shown Xray and see what is being pointed to is where I had the pain in April...told of options: tooth extracted by specialist or root canal...I decide on root canal...no antibiotics suggested or prescribed on discharge...told appointment would be two more months away...also told insurance has been maxed out...will have to pay out of pocket...two or three weeks later mouth is very infected again with another abscess formation at the front of the gum this time...call made to dentist to see if I could get into to see "someone else"...put on hold to check and then told that there was no one who could see me that week and that the next week office was closed...the following week they are full up because of catch up appointments...might be a month or so. I was told to go to emergency if I was in pain. Went to ER that day... assessed by doctor and informed of small abscess on anterior gum...arrangements made with another dentist through ER doctor to see me the following day... started on antibiotics...the next day met with this dentist who drains the abscess and prescribes antibiotics...office closed for one week...the week of being reopened call to see if I could have the latest dentist do root canal...told he was leaving the end of August...another dentist can do same in October... off osteoporosis meds for five months...felt neck pop during a sneeze...limited ROM since sneeze: unable to look over left or right shoulder without pain ..roll head forward especially while lifting something or to hyperextend head backwards...up until this point I had full range of motion.
That doesn't sound so dramatic, does it? Without the speculation and added drama, reality is just a bunch of boring facts.
What about the reality of what is happening in the body? The reality is that there is pain and limited movement in the neck. The pain is very doable like most pain is for me...but there is enough discomfort and change to indicate something is going on in there. Right now...in this moment...here and now I just feel a tightness or heaviness right along the vertebrae as I write. Right now and right here I also feel some burning discomfort in the left upper gum...my cheek feels "puffy" . My mouth feels tender and it hurts again to smile. I feel the bumps behind my teeth. This is the physical or bodily reality of what is going on. Nothing too dramatic.
What about the internal reality? Internal reality includes the activation of these samskaras. There is the emotional experience of shame and fear related to the possibility of more shaming emerging in my present moment reality. There is the tendency toward NST of the mind that begins with these external triggers. There is the reactive triggering of old samskaras that come up when the mind decides this human needs to seek help for the body. There is this desire for distraction away from that thought by telling this story again. There is this realization that telling the story helps me to distract from actually dealing with the story. Sigh!
And where does that take me? Right back to the realization that I am observing all this going down...that I am seeing this very human tendency in myself...that I...as the observer... am witnessing the way the mind reacts to life circumstance...how instead of just observing it from a distance, allowing life to be what it is and pass through... the witness can quickly fall into all that crazy mind stuff and identify with it...it can personalize it... it can get all caught up in it. It doesn't take much to go from objective and detached to all tangled up in the mental mess. Just like it sometimes takes something as simple as a sneeze to compress some vertebrae in a person with osteoporosis...it doesn't take much for the mind to go from calm to disturbed. Does it? The mind sneezed, and now I am suffering.
In reality there are just the facts of the circumstances I observed. If I do not attach alot of mind resistance and reactivity to those circumstances they are just events that are no longer in my life. They are gone. Boring facts that belong to history.
Why am I getting all worked up about them? That doesn't help anyone. I just need to deal with the facts. I need to get my neck Xrayed and I need to do something about this new infection. That's it.
All is well
No comments:
Post a Comment