Think Through the "What About Me?" Until It Dies

 Confusion usually results from not following ideas and feelings to their death...think it through!

Alan Watts

When we have a feeling, especially of confusion, we really need to think it through before we act upon it. Would you not agree?

A Personal Example

I have been feeling more than a little overwhemed at times. I  feel more than a bit heavy, more than a bit stuck.  I feel confused, mostly, as to what I am supposed to do with all this.  My ego mind (as well as many of the individuals who are observing my situation)  automatically assume I have to make some changes in my external world like kick people out so I regain "my" space, become more assertive so my needs are met and  regain or at least maintain some semblance of "power" that I "percieve" others are taking from me. This higher and wiser part of my thinking self , however, knows that I am simply confused and I  need to explore these feelings and thoughts right to their death  before I make any life changes. 

As I look deeply into these feelings, I am reminded over and over again that I am losing any semblance of  "My" and "Mine"...I see how I am literally being pushed to the edge of this picture of "my home" and this "perception" is leading to a mixture of feelings ...mostly confusion.  

I find myself in a "What about me?" confusion. I really want to look into this.

Just a Chair

For example, I had a particular seat at the kitchen table that I have been using since I moved in here...It provides an  easy access because I am  the one usually setting the table, putting the food down and running to get what is needed for a meal.  I and the kids always referred to it as my seat. No one sat in it but me. It was just a chair but it was "My Chair!"

Well someone who came to stay with us  has somehow claimed it for his chair. Oh I tried, in the beginning of this individual's arrival into my home, to passively stake my claim to it  by making little territorial gestures, dropping hints, getting there first.  There were several times I mentioned, "I usually sit here because it is easier...that is why I moved you over there" only to find him in "my chair" the next meal. . Others and myself even referred to it loudly  as my seat in front of the individual on many, many occassions.  I would, at the beginning, set his place at another part of the table but he always seemed a little begrudging when I did that and kept ending up in my seat when I didn't have a chance to control the seating the following meals.  

I was not sure what was going on with this mini battle.  I was not sure if he simply still, after all the assertions, hints and what not ,was not getting that it was "my seat" he was claiming or if it was a deliberate gesture of dominance on his part. It was really a source of contention for me.  I felt like I had to fight for my place, for respect, for control ...it became a competetion to reestablish my power at the table and therefore in my home...it was exhausting.

Detaching 

At the same time this was happening with "my chair", I was trying to establish a state of  mind and being that was free of "me, my, mine" ...so I didn't want to assert right out loud, "This is my seat...stay out!" That seemed counterintuitive to my ultimate goal to become detached. (I was obviously very attached to my seat...which in a sense was representative of me being attached to the "ownership role" of this house and "my life" as well as a certain power and control that came with it.) 

Wanting to advance spiritually and compassionately, I therefore took the time to attempt to understand all the variables that might be behind him taking my place at the table.  I figured  he might be experiencing a sense  of being trapped on the other side of the table where I usually placed him (He suffers with paranoid delusions); he has very poor short term memory because of the damage done so he might forget that is my chair; and he feels the need to be physically close to his father etc etc . I felt compassion and kindness with that realization and I decided I would take  the higher ground in order to keep the peace... and in order to advance away from ego  as well. I let go of my chair to him.

Letting Go? 

Well...I thought I let it all go when I began to refer to it as his chair ...but I didn't.  The resentment and this feeling of being taken advantage of still lingered even after I would have these long conversations with myself, Well "who" exactly is being taken advanatge of ?  Who owns  the "my" in my chair and my house?  Is this the self I want calling the shots etc? Whose "rights" are being impinged here...ego's or the higher Self's?  This is just a chair! Is it worth giving up your peace for?

I realize that this is a wonderful lesson in letting go of ego...and I feel better for a bit when I realize that and I let go  but eventually ego will step in again to stir up some drama. I  then feel the resentment and the "this is not okay!" telling me I have not let go completely ...obviously. 

No room for "me"

Now this situation is complicated by the fact that because another needy individual has entered my space...I am using half the dining room table as my writing spot.  It is crowded and congested with computer equipment, books and papers etc. It is obviously not the best  place to write, leaving only a few spaces at the table to eat and I feel so "this should not be!"at times  

I do most of the cooking but on nights I teach yoga and nights where they are not willing to wait I do not cook for them.  They cook for themselves without any thought of when, where  or what I will eat...which is okay...I seriously do not expect other people to concern themselves with my vegetarian choices.  But because my dining table is now  cut in half  ...there is no seating for me during these meals...They sit down together with their meal with no thought to what I will eat, no concern, no place set, no seating for me  at "my" table. Despite my assertions about the importance of family eating together...they plan and carry on a family meal in which I am not even in the picture. I hear myself crying out in my mind "What about me?" and it sounds too pathetic to utter it out loud. 

At the same time, I know that there is no "me" of value.  I don't want my hurt little ego entity to have any say in the decisions I make. I don't want to appear "selfish". Watts reminds us in the video below, however,  that we are all inherently selfish.  We just need to consider who "self" is...who "me" is?

So last night as I found myself crunched up in the corner in front of my computer after throwing something together for myself because meat was added to the salad before I was offered any...I was  angry as the thought whirred through my head:  "What about me? This is my table...my home that I am allowing others to stay in ...I cook 80 % of the meals and do 100% of the clean up...why am I excluded from this meal like I don't even exist?" I ("little me") carried that resentment with me like a stomach bug for the rest of the evening. 

I came across this Alan Watts video this morning. I am willing today to think my confusion through until it dies.  I am going to look deeply into my resentment here listening to ego, sure, and what it has to say about it all but really listening to Self ...it is that wisdom I will ponder until the thought and the feeling related to "What about me?" and "My Chair at my  table in my home...not yours " dies.  Then maybe I will make some changes in my external world...or maybe I will make some changes in my internal one...who knows.

All is well. 

Alan Watts/Philosophy and Esoterica ( Feb, 2019) Alan Watts on Exploring Your Dark Side. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OakcVC6Z9g