Forget Your perfect Offerings

Ring the bells that still can ring, 

forget your perfect offering 

There is a crack; a crack in everything,

that is how the light gets in.

Leonard Cohen from Anthem

Disturbing Thoughts

I was recalling the nursing procedure I did recently that was far from perfect. I failed to offer perfect help. The disturbing thoughts related to that have returned even after the moment of superb reprieve and 'aha' I experienced  when I realized where they came from and what they were.  For a while there, I thought they were gone for good. I felt like I took a major step in my growth and healing. I felt peace.  

Then yesterday they slipped back  in to my thought stream, trying so hard  to disturb and call me away into a 'you are defective and deserving of punishment mode' with : "You did not do that perfectly therefore you are wrong!  You may have made a mistake that could hurt someone and you are not allowed to make mistakes especially if they hurt, bother, or upset other people in any way. Aren't you always doing that?  Why do you bother to even try to help?You are just going to end up hurting.  If you are not perfect in this role, you are bad and you have no business doing it! You deserve  to be chastised, shamed or  punished! "  Pretty pathological and gruesome, eh? 

Return of PTSD

I witnessed these intrusive thoughts coming in one  at a time, slowly at first before multiplying like baby rabbits.  I witnessed the way my jaw got tight and my teeth  clamped together, how my belly felt tight and my chest got heavy as my body began, almost automatically, to curl forward in protective freeze mode.  I witnessed the fear  increase at the thought of possibly hurting someone took over and the shame, I felt in my core...for possibly making a mistake I am not even sure I made but assume I must have made because in this role, don't I always make mistakes?  Wasn't any offering that wasn't perfect a mistake? 

Ego Twins

I watched what my mind wanted to do with these thoughts...in one breath it seemed to be welcoming them as it pushed anything positive I may have done in the past or have the power to do in the future away...the next it was trying to push the bad  away as it desperately went after anything that would be positive or at least diminish the negative. I watched the ego twins battle it out too: shamer ego doing its dirty work chastising and diminishing me and redeemer doing its ego-salvation work to fix, repent, repair and of course to save face. I tried to reach out to people, "Check and see...make sure...watch for...I will come back and fix.etc "Even though I was assured everything was fine...   I awaited for the  the punishment to come to me.

Watching with curiosity and a certain detachment

The whole time I watched what was happening inside me with a certain curiosity. I  knew my reaction  was all so irrational and overly dramatic. I knew so clearly for the first time in my life  "why" I  reacted the way I did, felt the way I felt. I could trace it back and see the whole picture and that was amazing to be able to do that. . Still...the thoughts didn't seem to know that I knew lol. The feelings didn't seem to care...they were going to move around inside me regardless. My knowing and understanding and being able to witness what was happening did not stop the PTSD experience...but...but it didn't overwhem me. It didn't "kill me." 

Throughout it all, I could breathe and watch the breath.  I could bring myself back to the moment.  I could witness and when we witness we are not lost.

Cracked and Broken In Places

I am realizing now that I am cracked and broken in places. Whatever trauma I experienced in my life...all that pain...it has left its mark on me.  I am deeply wounded and deeply scarred...so it would not be realistic or do anyone  any good to have me  "pretend" that there are no wounds and to restrict my offering only to that which is perfect. I cannot give what is perfect for I am broken in places. And as Hemmingway says...the world breaks us all in one way or another. 

Strong at the Broken Places

Acknowledging that will allow us to see that it also makes us stronger because it has left its mark on us. If I didn't break with Life...if  my outer shell did not crack..."I" would cease to be in the sense that I wouldn't be able to see the light that pours  within and comes from within, that is so much more powerful than any onslaught we experience externally. 

Forget your perfect offerings

Suffering can take us inward, to the light we are. Let's not be afraid of that suffering or ashamed of our cracks and breaks.  Let's learn to expose them so the light that comes through, the strength that enemates from them  can be there for all.We may not be perfect, what we have to give may not be perfect and that is okay.   Let our True Self that lies within our cracked and broken shells  be the  gift we really offer. 

All is well!

The world breaks every one and afterwards many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills.

Earnest Hemingway from Farewell to Arms

What Would Bale Do (January 2017) Stop Misquoting Leonard Cohen and Ernest Hemmingway. Start Listening and Reading. https://whatwouldbaledo.com/2017/01/12/stop-misquoting-leonard-cohen-and-ernest-hemingway-start-listening-and-reading/