Dear Yogananda

 To lay aside what you have in your head (selfish desires and ambitions); to freely bestow what you have in your hand; and never to flinch from the blows of adversity.

Yogananda, Autobiography of a Yogi.

Dear Yogananda,

I know you have left this planet years ago leaving behind your teachings, many believers and your autobiography that I am presently reading....but still, I wish to address you as if you were still here in earthly form. I want to reach out to the great minds of this world...not for answers from you  but for answers in me. I am hoping the reader will bare with me on this silly little venture.

Though I have been practicing a rudimentary form of yoga for years, as well as,  meditating and teaching, I can not , by any means, profess to know Yoga. The more I read of your autobiography, the less, I realize, I know.  I question if I am a true yogi. 

What I want from yoga may differ from what a true yogi seeks? I chose the above quote for my entry today because it is something  said that I can relate to. It is  what I am obviously seeking in my own practice.  I want to lay aside what is in my head, this idea of "me" with its preferences,  that is often so noisy and distracting, as well as suffering inducing.  I want to give away all I have to give to the world: my gifts, talents, learning,  light, peace.  I also want to stand strong in the face of challenge or adversity...to not be bothered by anything. I want peace and freedom from suffering for myself and others. That is my yogic  goal. This is proving to be no easy feat to master.  I am committed but struggling with this part of yoga. Yet, I know from what you and others teach, Yoga is  about achieving so much more than that. It is about achieving states  I can barely even imagine, let alone seek for myself.  

You, among the gurus you write about, through the practice of kriya yoga, have attained this minimum I am seeking  and so, so much more.  You have reached Samadhi and have thusly been blessed with the Bliss of a free flowing Shakti and then even the siddhis....the highest achievements of a Yogi.... supernatural power.  I must admit, I have a hard time with this idea of finding Bliss, let alone supernatural powers.  I can not wrap my head around the concept of "Siddhis" ...It is too "Harry Potter" for me and thusly it is a part of yoga I do not actively seek to attain. It seems too far out for me to even think of, let alone go after. In fact, to this "me" that is still in the way of my freedom, finding peace is a challenging enough goal. Bliss seems so far away, even though I have been taught, over and over again, that bliss is a natural state of being and once we free ourselves from the "me" and all its samskaras, it will flow beautifully and abundantly....I find it hard to actively seek it.  Freedom from fear seems like a wonderful and amazing thing, on its own, and  I would be so happy to attain just that. It seems like enough. Peace seems like enough.  Bliss seems like an over reach at this point in my life.  Does that make me a bad yogi? 

In your autobiography you  speak of things like your own precognizance...your ability to see things in the future happening before they happen.  That one is somewhat easier to swallow because it seems to happen to me from time to time...though  my  mind,  a part of this still  sticky "me", is skeptical.   Then you speak of seeing those that have passed on, the rematerialization of gurus from one place and time to another, the eternal, never changing youthfulness of Babaji  and the Christ-like Life of your guru, Lahiri Mahasaya. I, as a Christian, was raised on a belief in Christ's miraculous powers and it makes sense that if  these powers were real, they would not be limited to one being on a selective religious basis. But my mind questions: Are they real? My mind questions but my heart says yes, for some reason.  Is that because I want them to be real or is it that a part of me, beneath my skeptical mind, knows they are? So there is a certain degree of "woo-woo" in yoga I am just trying to get around.

In my trying to get around it, I do my best to ignore the 8th limb of yoga practice and I carry on with all the rest in a somewhat committed way.  Self-realization and freedom from "me" is my goal.  Is that enough for now? 

Anyway, I want to thank you for sharing your light and free flowing Shakti with the world.  I look forward to reading more about you in Autobiography of a Yogi.

Sincerely,

The "I" beneath the "me" in this form that is writing

Well that is what came out of me when I imagined addressing Yogananda.  Certainly somethings to think about. 

All is well

True Nature of Bliss

 Lord Krishna ...proclaims Self-realization, true wisdom, as the highest branch of all human knowledge-the king of all sciences, the very essence of dharma ("religion") for it alone permanently uproots the cause of man's three-fold suffering and reveals to him his true nature of Bliss. Self-realization is "yoga" or Oneness with truth- the  direct perception or experience of truth by the all knowing intuitive faculty of the soul. 

Yogananda

Yoga is the direct route to the end of suffering and that is why I practice it.   It takes us out of  habit minds and the tendencies of the "little me",  to the truth of who we really are. What is the cause of man's suffering? "Me" is.  "Me" is between consciousness and consciousness. Huh?  We have created this needy, fearful and easily disturbed psyche and plopped it right down in our spacious inner world.  It seems to have created a wall that, as space, we cannot see beyond. It has become so distracting we are constantly compelled to focus on it. This wall isn't real, we just come to believe it is.  And as long as consciousness is focusing on "me" with all its desires and its aversions...it does not see Itself. It isn't aware of Its own Oneness. Yoga helps to get this "me" out of the way so awareness meets awareness once again.

More than that it is said, by the masters, to be  the direct route to  Bliss. Getting beyond suffering to Bliss is not my goal right now. It seems like something beyond what I am seeking. But who knows, maybe someday, with steady practice,  I will realize, not only the absence of fear, but  just how blissful Life can be as a truly Self-realized human being. Maybe someday I will have a joyful and direct experience of truth as the soul.

All is well 

Bring On the Disturbance; Bring On the Healing

 

If something comes along that disturbs my heart, bring it on!  I don't want to live in here afraid of my own heart. If something comes along that disturbs my mind, bring it on!  I don't want to live in here afraid of my own mind. 

Michael A. Singer

The Experience

I had an experience this morning and as part of my practice, I did my best to stay with it.  It was a somewhat  uncomfortable feeling that teasingly poked and prodded some old samskaras, making them grumble and rumble inside me.  Though it was not an intense sensation,  I felt it in the body parts  I always feel this experience in...in my gut...and jaw...a tightening and clenching in a variety of degrees. Today it was a mild to moderate degree.  I could feel myself curling forward as if to protect my vital organs from attack.  Nothing dramatic ...just a slight reflex. I could also see how my mind was reacting with old habit tendencies.  It was automatically trying to solve the problem of this experience by pushing the experience  away, looking for something that would make me feel better inside or at least, not worse. It was doing me a solid. It wanted me to avoid the situation-potential that was , it believed, responsible for the discomfort.  Since it was an anticipatory focus on something that may or may not happen in the future but something I was committed to being available for should it happen...since it involved a "waiting" and a "not knowing"...the mind, I could picture, was pacing back and forth wringing its hands, cuing the body to stay super "alert" for signs of this thing coming into my experience. It had the amygdala on guard. I was hypervigilant and easily startled ( mildly so) by noises that indicated  this thing mind was preparing itself for might be unfolding in front of me. It was challenging to settle into the moment.

Asking "Why?", Instead of "What Can I Do About It?"

Now,  I awoke with this experience, of what psychologists might call "mild anticipatory anxiety", but I also went to bed with it.  In Fact, it was there in my subconscious mind as I was sleeping making it a somewhat restless night, and it was definitely there when I awoke before my alarm even went off.  So I lay there at five a.m. with a choice to make.  I knew I could do something to make the thing the mind thought was responsible for this level of discomfort go away and that would mean  I wouldn't have to handle it or I could continue to commit to allowing all of it into my experience: the thing mind was anticipating and my reaction to it. I knew I could resist in a variety of ways or I could simply be here inside with this restless mind observing it and body "experience" what was happening as it waited to see if this thing would materialize.  Instead of asking what can I do to feel better, I knew I could ask "Why?  Why am I feeling this way? " I decided to do the latter.

Relaxing, Observing, Allowing, Asking, and Healing

So I lay there and began to focus on breath by counting my exhales.  I observed my body and mind handling this experience of anticipation  as I gently encouraged them to relax. Body was easier than mind to encourage. Mind, in its fearful ( albeit mildly so), problem - solving and protection mode was restless and it did what it could to carry me away from the "what is" of my moment...to prepare me for what might be coming up.  So, I had to bring myself back again and again and again to the moment, to body, to breath, and to my commitment to stay with this experience. I had to counter mind's recurring question "What can we do about this to feel better?" and I asked "Why? Why am I feeling this way?"  As I asked that I was suddenly hit with a visualization of a little girl standing in the corner of a familiar room absolutely terrified as she waited for something bad to happen.  I suddenly knew why I was having the experience I was having.  Though the degree of fear I was having this morning was nothing in comparison to the degree of fear the little girl was experiencing back then, I knew it was the same fear. That realization was very profound. (Probably more profound than I am actually understanding at this moment). Most of the fear we experience today is a diluted form of the fear that is stuffed inside us...that for some reason has been triggered. 

Why Relief?

With that in mind, I brought myself back to breath , body and moment and continued to do my best to meditate, this time with a little more insight and self compassion. The discomfort did not go away but I was more accepting of it.  When the alarm rang I allowed mind to take over a bit in its preparation for what I had committed myself to that day, should it materialize. I got up and I waited an hour. As it happened, it didn't materialize and I must say I felt, as usual, a tremendous sense of relief.  A feeling that comes with "not having to" flooded my body and mind and the jaw unclenched, the gut relaxed, the iliopsoas let go of its need to pull me forward. Mind stopped pacing and was happily smiling. I had to ask again, "Why? Why am I feeling this way?" 

The mind quickly responded, " We are relieved because  we did not have to face and deal with what we were afraid of: the challenge that might  lead to something bad happening to us. We get to stay here where it it is safe, doing what comes naturally to us...writing and healing. " (Mind likes to use "we" or "me", "I" prefers that the mind didn't take such liberties.  Self does not identify with mind.  lol)

Of course, "I", unlike mind,  knows it goes a lot deeper than that.  Mind is relieved that it no longer has to be so vigilant, that it didn't have to handle the challenge.  Self , on the other hand, was never anxious and was never relieved. It would have happily taken on the challenge as something to help it grow (...if mind didn't feel so compelled to protect the "me")...just as it gratefully  took on the challenge of me sitting with this emotional experience this morning..   Self sees how my willingness to sit with disturbance helped the "I" in me  to grow with that visualized realization I had.  Some samskara pieces were released this morning, as small as they might have been.  Some healing took place. 

No Shame. Progress

I also see, in comparison  to other  similar morning experiences brought on for the same reason, this one was much milder and the relief was greater because there was no shame involved. There was no shame because I was willing to be with what was.  I was not avoiding and running away this time.  I was not doing something to make the feeling go away.  I was committed to accepting the situation should it materialize.  I was prepared to face the challenge regardless of how I felt inside. Most importantly,  I was committed to experiencing the anticipatory anxiety, the discomfort and whatever else came up as a result of waiting and not knowing.  I was allowing it all into my life.  I was saying to Life..."Thy will be done, not my will."  This is progress!!! 

Willingness to Heal Greater than Fear

My determination to heal by releasing all the samskaras stuck inside me was and is, I realize, much greater than my fear. The fear is not going to go away over night.  It is going to come and go in its varying degrees. I am still going to feel yucky and uncomfortable inside because of it but I know now I don't have to resist it. There is a reason for this fear, this pain and discomfort...one that deserves acceptance, respect, kindness and compassion...and the less I resist it, the freer I will be.

The less we resist our pain and discomfort, the quicker our samskaras will be released and  the freer we will all be. 

Story Details May Differ but Fear is Fear

Now, that was a long winded story about  a common challenge we all face with our stuffed fear that may arise as anticipatory anxiety in many of us. Fear is fear, in whatever form or degree it comes in and as long as we are fearing, we have some healing to do! We do not want to stay afraid of our hearts and minds do we? 

I didn't tell you the life situation details as to exactly what I was fearing because it really, really doesn't matter.  What matters is not what is or isn't happening "out there" but what is happening "in here".  Do you get that yet? There is nothing "wrong" with the  outside world with all its changing events and circumstances.  It is not the problem. It may trigger what is not okay inside us ...as this waiting did for me this morning, as it does for me most mornings...but that is as far as it goes. Nothing "out there" is going to break us and nothing "out there" is going to fix us. The problem is we are not okay inside. We , as "me" are broken in some degree or another because we have stuffed our pain inside and it has become a knotted tangle of emotional energy that needs to be released.  It is in the way of us experiencing what we are meant to  experience...true joy! We, with our problematic little mes, have gotten in the way of who we truly are. We need to admit that to ourselves and then we need to begin healing by relaxing and letting go as life pours through us.  We need to become strainers that allow life's precious energy to flow through us...instead of the sealed up airtight containers many of us have become. 

As Michael Singer says, we just don't know how beautiful we are inside, beneath all this junk we have stuffed on top of Self.  I don't know about you, but I want to be beautiful inside.  That, I know, is the greatest gift I can give anyone. So though I may tense up and tremble from time to time, I still say, "Bring it on!"

All is well. 

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of teh Universe ( May 8, 2023) You don't want what you think you want. https://tou.org/talks/

Dancing Without Fear

 Without fear...life becomes a dance with God...and then what difference does it make what comes next...

Michael A. Singer

I am a  fear based person wanting to dance with God. Though I have done a great deal of work to confront my fears, I still have fear in my life.  I am still afraid. 

If you are afraid...you will not be able to dance this dance at the level it was meant to be danced (Singer)

I am not dancing in the way I danced as a child, before I became scarred with fear.  like A sufi master spinning and spinning in big glorious circles in honor of my connection with God. I don't dance like that anymore.  I am too afraid of what others will say .  What about you?  Are you dancing? Or are you, like most of us, living a life narrowed by fear and therefore not living at all. 

As long as fear is driving your life, you don't have one. (Singer)

Eckhart Tolle reminds us again and again that there is a big difference between our life situation and Life.  Our life situation is our past history and it includes the story of us...what happened to to us, what situation we are living in now, the roles we play, our relationships ...our thoughts, beliefs and feelings etc...and Life, on the other hand, is who we are. So many of us are trapped in the story, seeing the world and life through that narrow lens ...which often equates to a fear based view...and we are not living.  We are thinking, planning, and "doing" whatever we can to avoid or deal with fear and in so doing, we are  missing out on Life.  

Life is here and now and has little to do with the  story in our heads. When we focus this lens of consciousness down on the story...on this narrow perception we have of the world and the situations we have or are facing...the fear...we leave the  seat of consciousness where the energy is high and beautiful and we descend down into the situation, into the fear ( which, btw, is the underlying energy of most of our emotions).  We can get trapped down there and the amazing energy of Life, who we are, can become blocked.  We then miss out on the dancing, on the present reality, on the beauty of Life in the here and now, and our connection with God. 

I consider myself a student and a practitioner of yoga...as unskilled as I may be at this point :), and as such I do try to extricate  consciousness from my fear rather than spend my time trying to remove fear from my life.  I have learned the hard way that fear cannot be removed from our bodies and minds...it is a part of being a human animal...but consciousness, awareness, can be removed from fear.  We do not have to focus all our energy on fear. 

We are here to learn, grow and expand into consciousness.  We are not here to be restricted and coiled up into balls of fear,  And we will learn regardless. If we stay in fear focus...we will act in fear focus and karma will be our teacher.  The lessons are hard and slowly learned in this way, according to Singer. The quickest way to learn, he goes on to say, is through "being there, being here" through the challenges of fear. We can, instead of running away and hiding from fear,  embrace it by being willing to sit with it, observe it and experience it.  Without resistance, fear will enter our lives and it will leave our lives. 

If we  stay conscious, past samskaras get removed and released, and energy stays up in the higher levels. When we stay in the Seat of Conscousness...at the center...we are closer to God. When we get distracted by fear and lower based thinking, we lose consciousness. Energy leaves the center  and it goes to much lower levels . We are no longer there and we lose that level of consciousness and awareness. We may use "will", which is an integral part of the  force of consciousness...consciousness asserted and moving in a direction to keep the fear away and this  creates blockages. Resistance  and will make the energy stay in those lower areas. When we focus there, we lose awareness of the here and now...the only place Life can be. We miss out. We need to stay conscious and aware if we want to dance with God! ( Singer)

"The price of God is the willingness and capability to never go away...to be there!" (Singer)

Singer tells us that if we can stay there, every day we will  evolve, getting closer to God. We will not be the  same the next day as we were the day before.... We will begin to care less and less about the life situations. In truth, the world doesn't mean anything.  It is just a product of little "me" and its  conceptual thinking, its preferences, its judgements and opinions, and its  story.  Once we realize that, there will be nothing to fear.

When you are busy dealing with your life situation you miss Life...Life is not in the doing...it is in the being now ET

All is well!

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of teh Universe ( April 17, 2023) Remaining conscious in the midst of Life  https://tou.org/talk-archive/

Eckhart Tolle ( March 7, 2023) The End of Fear/ Eckhart Tolle's Guide on How to Achieve True Peace. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58dT53V7B_M&t=1s

Distraction

 Distraction is extremely spiritual...it is what is keeping you from God.

Michael A. Singer

Most of us do not equate "distraction" with spirituality but Singer, in the below linked podcast, explains why distraction is a spiritual concept worthy of  consideration. Distraction keeps us from God.  It keeps us from discovering who we truly are which is consciousness. God, he goes on to say, is:

...the One consciousness that is the same throughout the entire universe...

Hmmm? How are we distracted from God?  By focusing on the things that have and are happening to and around this big distraction of "me".  When we are pulled into "me"  disturbances , we are distracted from who we truly are. We have not maintained our seat of Self.  When we are focusing on  the pain outside and inside...we are distracted.  We leave the  seat to follow the pain.  We are distracted. When we grasp and cling to  positive or pleasant experiences , we are distracted. We have forgotten who we are...the objective, undisturbed Witness. 

In order to be free of our ADHD tendencies...we need to learn not to be distracted.  We need to let go of our tendency to follow every bit of sensory input that we are made aware of, every thought, every feeling, every desire to cling and every desire to push away. 

Letting go, we know by now, is 'spiritual' and letting go  is all about not getting distracted...not going with the distraction.  When we start to notice we are getting pulled...than we let go. 

Spirituality, real spirituality, is about learning not to be distracted.  It isn't about right or wrong, good or bad, what should I do and what shouldn't I do. 

The more we let go, the less we get distracted, the "ascent"...the inner pull upward gets stronger and stronger as opposed to the outer pull downward. That is spirituality.

We have attained a certain freedom when the drop of consciousness that was staring at my mind has fallen back into the ocean...

All is well.

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( May 6, 2023) Liberation-Releasing the Pull of Distraction. https://tou.org/talks/

Pulling the Threads Out in Yoga Class

 What is the best way to remove a veil? By pulling the threads out, one by one, until it exists no more. ......The mind is a veil woven of thoughts. It has no substance by itself. If we pull the thoughts out one after the other, when they have all been removed , there is no mind left. 

The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali Book II: 52, as translated by Swami Satchidananda

Whether we know it or not, we all want this busy, crazy-making veil of mind removed and meditation  practice  can help us do that. 

Not many people come to meditation class, but hundreds and thousands come for asanas and pranayama.

Hmm! I certainly don't have "hundreds and thousands" coming to my yoga classes but those that do come, come purely for the physical benefit of  the third and forth limbs of yoga: asana and pranayama (breath control.)  Yoga is viewed by western culture solely as a way to stretch and relax the body.  The next four limbs are a little too "woo-oo " for many students to accept,  even if it is what would benefit them the most. The true practice of yoga is not understood.  Many do not realize that  asana and pranayama were developed merely to enhance the practice of the other four limbs: pratyahara( removal of the senses), dharana ( concentration), dhyana (meditation), and ultimately Samadhi (mergence with the One). Western students do not want to go there in a yoga class!  Stretching and relaxing muscles is where many students want it to end. In fact, some find any reason they can to skip out prior to savasana. Those quiet moments of going inward are too scary for some.  They fear the "woo-woo part " of yoga.

 I  am also a certified meditation and mindfulness teacher.  I know though, that is the last thing people seem to want when they come to my classes.  I do not outwardly and obviously teach meditation in my classes for that reason.  It is offered subtly through both asana and pranayama. I try to incorporate the awareness  of breath with every asana...that is meditation and mindfulness.  I encourage and lead people to be aware of sensations in the body, and to relax into each posture.  That is meditation and mindfulness.  In savasana, we return to breath awareness again and the breath leads to awareness of the body section by section. I actually guide them through a body scan meditation...though I do not call it such. 

So though people do not tend to come to me ( I had one) for instruction on meditation and mindfulness, I do teach it in my classes.  I am introducing the students to the next four limbs. They just don't know it.  And the fact that I am a committed practitioner of  pratyahara dharana, and dhyana...maybe that rubs off a bit too, subliminally? I don't know. 

Anyway, breath control and awareness, especially,  has been taught by Patanjali to help remove the veil of mental darkness that hides our light.  When we focus on breath we are not focusing on thought and what is going on in our busy minds. One breath at a time...we pull away the strings of the mind veil until it is unravelled. 

Pranayama indirectly helps us to understand the Oneness, the never-changing One, becasue it removes the veil. 

I am helping my students do that even though I don't proclaim to be. 

All is well. 

The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali as translated by Swami Satchidananda (2011) Integral Yoga Publications: Yogaville. 

Be careful with, "I am"

 

I am before, during and after all conditions.  I am a constant never altered by the temporal. I am!

Dr. Jacinta Mpalyenkana, PhD

So I awoke in the wee hours knowing that I would discuss the use of "I am" this morning.  I am? Yes, 'I am'...how we mindlessly use it in context to what is unfolding around us or through us and how it can trap us . 

I went to bed with this thought pounding in my head, "I am not doing good."  That, besides the incorrect use of english, is a misuse of words and concepts.  The mind, still overly dependent on words and concepts, will swallow that whole and it will become, if I am not careful, another "belief" in my subconscious mind. Many of us are constantly attaching the temporary fleeting experiences of life to this eternal beingness of ' I am' in a mindless and unwholesome way.

" I am not doing good."

...not doing good?

Before we get to "I am",  lets look at the tail end of that sentence: "not doing good" These words are about  what I am experiencing  in comparable terms on the physical/mental health and productivity social scale of things. At the time of their occurence, I was not feeling well physically.  I was not feeling well emotionally. I felt lethargic and down.   I was thinking of all the things I had to do to "keep up" and that I have yet to start. Though,  I am aware how I have been successfully peeling off one unhealthy layer after the other, I recognized last night how many more layers I had to peel off ...and how tired I felt at that moment of realization. It was then, the statement came to my mind.  It was repeated again and again...

Why was the tail end of the statement  unwholesome?

First of all, it was obviously a negative statement brought on by my consciousness focusing on what was 'not good' about my experience then. The statement affected me negatively...bringing on guilt and shame for not "doing better". The repeated use of it kept  consciousness focusing down into the muck of human experience rather than where it could shine.  The more I uttered it, the more I believed it.  The more I believed it the more it got cemented in my subconscious mind as a core belief. The more core it was, the worse I felt.  The statement negates all the good I have done and focuses on what is not right.  It, by itself, was unwholesome.

It became even more unwholesome and damaging when I attached it to "I am".

Why?

It was not truth...This experience was not who I was or am...it was just something I was having.  What I have and what I am are too different things.  I was having an experience of "not doing good".  "Not doing good" is not my identity, it isn't who I am. 

When we use the term 'I am',  we also  negate the temporary nature of passing phenomena.  'I am' is an eternal and permanent state of being. My "not doing good" was temporary and fleeting but when I attach it to 'I am', I am connecting it to something that will not pass.  All phenomena is meant to be observed, experienced and then let go of.  It is meant to pass through us.  When I attach the permanence of "I am" to it...it doesn't pass through.  It gets stuck inside us as part of "me" identity.

Most importantly, this mindlessly spoken statement diminishes the essence of "I am"; it diminishes who we are.  'I am' is pointing to who we are beyond our temporary human experiences...to the witness consciousness, the light that shines on the phenomena and experiences that unfold around us and pass through us. This  is not those experiences; we are not those experiences . 'I am' is so much more; we are so much more .  This light  could be shining on so much more.  This experience of "not doing good" was very low and limited energy condition.  When I used the statement repeatedly, I was using  this wonderful light of pure consciousness and focusing it on this temporary and low energy condition of "not doing good", at the exclusion of all the other things it could be focusing on. I was diminishing it and therefore diminishing the Life I was having in that moment.  Hmm!

I use this example as a reminder to be careful about what we attach "I am" to.  Though these are all just concepts and in themselves meaningless,  as long as the mind ascribes to them , we need to be careful. Use 'I am' only  for things like..."I am peace; I am love; I am light!" etc and 'I have' for the others. 

All is well. 

Withdrawal of the Senses

 The senses withdraw themselves from the objects and imitate, as it were, the nature of the mind-stuff, this is pratyaharah. 

Pantajali's Yoga Sutras, Book II, 54

Pratyaharah is the 5 th limb of Astanga or Raja yoga, according to Patanjali. It is defined as being the ability to control the senses...a withdrawal of the senses from their outside world focus and returning them to an inner world focus.  The fifth limb can be practiced after one masters, to some degree, Yama or abstinence from violence, lying, stealing, lustful urges, and greed; Niyama or observance: purity, accepting but not causing pain, study of spiritual books and self-surrender. ( page 120); Asanas and pranayama ( basically what I teach in my yoga classes). I am more than ready for the practice of this fifth limb.  Infact, I have been practicing for years with breath awareness, attention to the karmic effects of my actions etc. 

It helps though to better understand what it means:

The withdrawal of senses:

The senses are like a mirror.  Turned outward, they reflect the outside; turned inward they reflect the pure light.  By themselves, the senses are innocent, but when allowed to turn outside, they attract everything and transfer those image sto the mind, making it restless. Turned inward, they find peace by taking the form of the mind itself. Translated by Satchidananda, page 156

I may need to look into this a little more.

All is well

Satchidananda (Translator) ( 2011). The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali. Integral Yoga Publications: Yogaville, Virginia

"I Am Depressed" ?

 

[What we may discover about ourselves when we look inside]: "I have collected all my not okays and identify myself with them."

Michael A. Singer ( paraphrased)

"I am depressed."

You are not depressed...no one is depressed...you are just staring at depression. 

What??? How can you say that?  I am depressed...I have a diagnosis.  I have a biochemical malfunction in my brain!"

Yes, okay.  You may  have a diagnosis of depression.  You may have a biochemical malfunction in your brain...an issue with serotonin or dopamine... but it isn't truth when you say, "I am depressed." 

What???

"I am" is a declaration of the verb "to be" . You cannot "be" depression or depressed.  Your brain and body  can have the biological complications of a biochemical thing or your mind can be having and extreme situational reaction to Life ...but you cannot be it.  Having it and being it are two different things. You are identifying yourself as depression, when you say: "I am depressed.".  How would it sound if I went up to you and said, " Hi Depressed or Depression , I am Colitis.  It is nice to meet you?" 

Are you ridiculing me? I know what I have and how it effects my life.  My body, mind, my thoughts and my emotions are driving me crazy.

Believe me, I am not making fun, I have nothing but empathy for you in this situation. I also agree 100 % with that statement. It makes perfect sense to me when you say "My body, mind, thoughts  and emotions are driving me crazy. "  It is your body,  mind, thoughts and your emotions...not you...that are problematic and when you attach "my" to them...they become something you own and not something you are. It is they that are problematic, not who you are that is

What are you talking about?

Well you are not your body or mind.  You are not your thoughts.  You are not your emotions.  These are just things you "have."

WTFork? 

How does it feel for you to simply change some words around and say, "I have a diagnosed depression."  rather than say, "I am depressed." ?  

I don't know...lighter ?

When we "have"  something ...it is like  we are possessing this thing temporarily,  like holding it in our hands. It is outside of us. The act of having it and holding it are also impermanent.  We can eventually put it down ( we may need help to do that) without losing anything.  When we say "I am", however, ...it is like this thing is who we are and removing whatever it is may seem  more like amputation. We are too attached to it. It is a part of us.

I am not attached to depression!!! I don't want it in my life.  I want to be normal and okay.

Well normal is not necessarily "okay",  but I can truly understand your desire to feel better. I can see why you believe the "depression" is the reason you do not feel okay.  But is it possible that the bigger problem is how your depression has become the focus of your attention and not this so called disorder you have been labelled with?

What?  Of course I am focusing on it. I am constantly facing and drowning in  this heavy darkness that is all around me.

I can only imagine how challenging it is and how it must seem so beyond your control. This so called depression ( and I am only saying 'so-called" because I don't want us to get lost in  concepts) is real...it is what is unfolding in front of you.  It is one thing  Life is presenting to you and it is big....right -smack dab- in -front- of -you big .  Yet, it isn't the only thing Life is giving you right now, is it? There are so many other pleasant" things unfolding around you and other "unpleasant things unfolding and an endless amount of neutral things unfolding that you don't even notice, right? The depression is not the only thing showing up  in your life right now, is it?

No...but how do you expect me to appreciate the other things when this is in the way and I am so busy trying to fix it, so I feel even remotely okay  inside? 

Exactly...you are doing what all of us tend to do to the detriment of our own happiness and peace of mind.  You are staring at what is not okay inside and while you try to find ways to make you feel better and try to find ways to avoid feeling worse.  All your conscious attention is going to the collection of "not okay" you have stuffed inside, this "depression" being the biggest and loudest knot of them all. You are staring at what has become your "problematic and depressed me", at the exclusion of all else.

Huh?

You are not the depression. You are that which is staring at the depression.   Though the experience of depression is very real for you and so in your face, it is not you and you are not it.  It is simply something you are observing.  You are not the collection of "not okayness"  stored inside either...you are simply that which observes it.  This collection of 'not okay' is what has become the "me" of your life. You...who you are...are okay; what you are staring at isn't. The "me" is not okay but you are. The "me" isn't real.

Are you saying I should  feel guilty for focusing on my depression?

Of course not...no, no , no.  You are human and it is human to have our attention pulled down to the most distracting and noisiest thing unfolding in front of us or in us.  Consciousness tends to get  pulled down to the loudest noise.  This experience of "depression" makes a heck of a lot of noise.  It is very normal to get lost in it.  Most people do.  But what if you could be abnormal here? What if you didn't have to get lost in it?   What if you could look at depression as one of those things you are holding in your hands...like a parcel Life has handed you for whatever reason. It wouldn't be a part of who you are.  It would just be something you "have", something you are temporarily holding on to.  While you are holding it...you could still be mindful of all the other things unfolding around you and in you.  You wouldn't be staring at the parcel...you would be looking over it, under it, around it...not denying that it is there  but not focusing solely on it at the exclusion of all else. Wouldn't that be so much more freeing?

Oh...maybe

You are not depressed.  You are just having, among all the other experience potentials around you, a temporary but intense experience where your body (neurotransmitters maybe), your mind, your thoughts and feelings and your "me" are more than a little demanding.  Pay attention sure...do what needs to be done...but do not keep that amazing Light of consciousness, which is you,  focusing there at the exclusion of all else.

All is well. 

Inspired by:   

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( May 1, 2023) False Identification- the Root of Doership. https://tou.org/talks/

Curious?

 By replacing fear of the unknown with curiosity we open ourselves up to an infinite stream of possibility. We can let fear rule our lives or we can become childlike with possibility.  We can let fear rule our lives or we can become childlike with curiosity, pushing our boundaries, leaping out of comfort zones, and accepting what life puts before us. 

Alan Watts

Today I step out of a comfort zone...test my body and mind to see if I am up to continuing on this little adventure that I was taking a break from. I am curious to see if I can. Only one way to find out and that is to try.

All is well. 

Dusting Off the Lamp

He said to them, "Do you bring in a lamp  to put it under a bowl or a bed? Instead, don't you put it on its stand? For whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed, and whatever is concealed is meant to be brought out into the open. If anyone has ears to hear, let them hear."

Mark 4: 21-23 NIV

This lovely parable from Jesus epitomizes my new mission in this life I call "mine". My practice taking me to my polestar ( again using those pronouns lightly) is to expose the buried ( hidden and concealed)  roots of suffering. They, to me (this is not in that passage from Mark), are like a thick layer of dirt, dust and grime over the light that shines inside...a light we all have within us. They diminish the light to the point of darkness sometimes. So, many of us, like me, increase that darkness by taking our dirty lanterns and hiding them under a bowl or under the bed (away from our conscious awareness). In order to allow our inner lights of consciousness to shine brightly , we need to clean off the samskara dust...but we can not do that until we take our lanterns out and put them on the stand, until we expose them in their imperfect dust collecting forms. We can see the dust and then wipe it off. We let go of the hiding; we let go of the layers of suffering we have been clinging to for whatever reason and we allow that little light within to grow. I then share that light with whoever will hear it. 

I am here to grow; I am here to let go.

I am going to borrow this often used mantra that Michael A. Singer shared in the below podcast. I am going to try to create a meditation around it. I need to keep reminding myself that is why I am here!  

Singer explains how we can use this mantra: when we sit  down in our car, before we pick up the phone, right before we go through a door, when we go to work on whatever it is we are doing and most importantly when we are triggered...when we find ourselves bothered ( or with more practice ...right before we get bothered). Hmm! He said our commitment to our practice of letting go of little me with all its bothersome tendencies ( not in those words exactly) is the most important thing. 

Hmm!  I try to remind myself on a daily basis that my whole Life is one big practice of removing the layers on top of who I really am. Well that sounded very proactive and action oriented when it is more of an allowing and letting go of when the time comes. 

I am committed today to let go of whatever it is that comes up, disturbing me, as a reminder that it, and the "me" that gets disturbed,  needs to leave...so  the light of who I really am can grow and shine for the world to see. 

He also says that this daily practice is like we are buying moments of consciousness...until we are established in the Seat of Self. And he goes on to say that a great being doesn't get taught these things, it experiences them. 

I want to make anything that takes me closer to  being awake the most important purchase in my life.  I don't just want to be taught...I want to experience.  What about you?  

All is well.

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe (April 27, 2023) The Practice of Being Conscious. https://tou.org/talks/

Hand in the Jar

 The monkey who doesn't care what is in the jar won't get caught.

Michael A. Singer 

I was so inspired by Michael Singer's talk today that this came out of me while I was listening. Again...not judging the poetry, just trying to appreciate what was brought up from the  depths of me through a zap of inspiration.  There is a wisdom inside all of us and sometimes all it takes is someone "out there" sharing their wisdom to trigger our own. (Well, it is One library of wisdom we all share and it often takes another to get us to utilize that service).  Michael A. Singer does that for the Self I am beneath this cover of "me". 

The Ring In the Jar

I was attracted to the sparkling  diamond set in  its golden bling,

so I slid my fingers down   into the jar to grab the shiny ring.

And as I held it in my palm,  my heart beat and lept with glee.

This wanted thing, I was so sure, would fulfill my needy me.

 I wrapped my fingers around it,  holding on with all my might

and with clenched fist began to pull it out the hole that suddenly was too tight.

I fought and struggled so determined to free and wear what I had won,

to show off my conquest,  my winner's  status, to each and everyone

I pulled and  twisted and pulled and twisted again and again and again

but no matter how hard I tried   with desperate breath, it was only when

I relaxed my fingers and let the cherished thing fall from my weary hold

sadly  watching  as I let go of hope, the sparkling diamond and the gold, 

that my hand was able to slide out from the jar and once again be free.

Choosing freedom over holding on to wanting, I knew, meant a letting go of me. 

© Dale-Lyn, April, 2023

Michael A. Singer ( April 30, 2023) Freeing Your Consciousness From the Limited Bubble Of Your Mind. https://tou.org/talks/

Waking Up to Truth

 Truth is exact correspondence with reality.

Yogananda

I often wake up in the middle of the night with some very clear thoughts in my head...more like instruction as to what I am to remember to write down the following day.  And it is always about my practice lately. I know it is important teaching I am receiving as I lay there and I am very grateful for the insight , even if I might not understand what it means or why I am to remember it at the time. So I tell myself...oh I will remember that and it if it is general information... I will remember it.  Sometimes , however, it is like a line of poetry or a beautifully written phrase on a chalk board, that I am to remember ...and I recite it and recite it and recite it in my head convinced that I couldn't forget something so beautiful and I get up in the  morning and I forget...sigh.  I need a notebook by my bed. Hope there isn't another "Paradise Lost" waiting to be written through me lol.  I don't know how Milton did it. (Of course, I am not comparing myself to Milton...it was a joke),

Anyway, I woke up to this:  When confronting the phenomena of  life...First, Know! Know if you are reacting or responding to what is and why?  What kind of an effect is it having on you, in terms of  pleasant, unpleasant or neutral? Are you judging it as good or bad; right or wrong; should be or shouldn't be? Why? What samskara is it triggering?  Know that this phenomena is just that phenomena...something passing through.  Know that Self is okay with all of it and if there is a problem with it is just your "little me" doing the complaining and that you don't have  to listen to your little me.

 Second, Feel it. Feel the emotions and sensations of  the phenomena as it passes through, as well as the feeling of the reaction of response you might be having .  We need to get out of the head to do that...to make it a feeling response we need to be free of the interference of thought and story.  Where in your body are you feeling it? Can you briefly, without detail, name the emotion you are experiencing...focus more on what that emotion feels like, than describing it or analyzing it. 

Finally, Experience! Allow yourself to just experience it all ...fully and completely. That experiencing is done without words or doing.  It is done by simply being. 

Hmm!  Well that is what came to me. Could just be my mind reacting to all the studying I have been doing, prepping me for some big exam that is coming up :) Still...when it tells me to write it down, I do.

All is well. 

Blossoming Into Okayness

 By letting go of what is not making you okay, you will be okay.

Michael A. Singer

I am looking outside at the little tree in front of my window and my heart opens with a certain joy.  As I see the green leafs emerging from its tips. I just feel so much love in my heart.    I am not sure why except it reminds me how amazing Life is.  Every year after a sometimes brutal winter, those leafs pop out from where they were hidden, begin to stretch and yawn, expand and grow until the whole tree is green and full of buzzing Life.  That is just amazing to watch.  

We do the same. We live for decades in a dormant state of false-safety, hiding away from imagined winter storms, beneath layers of frost and ice. The magic of who we are stays curled up in a little ball, hidden away,  until one day we just say,  "It's time"...and we begin to emerge, to wake up,  expanding and becoming more alive with every conscious breath we take, making ourselves and the world, better for doing so.

We wake up when we begin to practice being conscious every day. We let go of that which kept us hid and stuck and we begin the beautiful evolution of becoming who we really are, who we have always been. 

Well, it is spring out there now people.  It is time to do as my little tree is doing...It is time to let go of all that keeps us from being okay and time to simply be okay .

All is well. 

Cracks in the Ice

 I let people see the cracks in my life. We can't be phony. We got to keep it real.

Charles R. Swindoll

This blog tells me there was zero readers today and Google analytics tells me otherwise.  Why is that? 

I am so tired today...drained actually.  The chest thing which I am beginning to believe is a different manifestation of the heart thing...is draining me of physical energy.  And the bit of energy that is able to get through my blockages is seeping through my pores with every hot flash of transition and life circumstance I experience. The majority of this Shakti stuff , I know, is still blocked under some heavy duty samskara, circling around itself , creating a lot of energy underneath.  With the work I do in my practice ( why did I call it work?) and my prayer/intention to have it rise to the surface and wash the remnants of this broken me away, it is more determined to do that.  The energy below is getting stronger. The ice is cracking above the current,,,and there is a lot of rumbling going on ...Man... I can feel that rumbling...but the blockage  is still thick. 

I find my self, in whatever form I am...under the ice ...desperately crying for a good breath of air and the feel of warm sun on my skin.  It is just recently, however,  that I allowed myself to admit that is what I truly "want", to experience the fruition of that soul desire that has always been there. I have spent my life making the most of my "situation/situations",  working so hard to be brave...as I, a little "me", broken and afraid...but oh so hopeful...made the best of my so called "life" down here below the ice. I believed this was all there was. So I looked for and celebrated in any tiny bit of light that made it a little less dark in here. I braced myself and "hoped" my way through the very dark and cold times.There were many of those.  I lived like I was supposed  to create an image of strength for those down here with me as the ice above got thicker, and thicker and thicker...  " I should be, have to be, must be strong" I recited to myself. "I must grab and rejoice in any bit of happiness and peace I can find."  I felt great shame when I wasn't strong or happy, when fear dragged me deeper into the swirling trapped energies. But I thought that was my plight, my destiny...that there was nothing "more". I couldn't see what really needed to happen. Now I do. 

I don't want to live like that anymore!  I want to get rid of all the have-tos and just be free.   I am saying out loud to the Universe within mySelf :  "I don't want to do this anymore"...I want this Forking  ice off me...once and for all so that I can see this "me" that is doing all the suffering as nothing more than something in the way of  my true strength as Self. So I can see mySelf as the very water I feel trapped in because of the ice this "me" put there.  Imagine simply being that free flowing current? Of feeling the sun warming and brightening this Self without barriers and  the warm spring rains replenishing what I thought I lost but that truly never was lost...knowing it was always just absorbed and stored away in another form ( like precipitation in the clouds) . 

Anyway...I ramble this morning...not making sense. Something just pushing up through the cracks in the ice, I guess. I need to sit with whatever that is.

All is well.

A Ray Of Source

 To know yourself as consciousness is the most amazing liberation...not for the person, but a liberation from the person.

Eckhart Tolle

I love talks about consciousness, about what it is and what it is not...that is why I was drawn to the video linked below from Eckhart Tolle. 

This invisible realm, almost always distorted by religion and denied by scientists who are hooked on materiality, is invisible, yet so very, very real.   You cannot see consciousness, not even under a microscope.  It or its expression as thought, memory etc can not be found on dissection. You cannot touch it or taste it. Yet we know it is real. How? Because we are conscious. We are aware that we think, aware that we have memories.  Even when we sleep, consciousness does not go away.  We wake up knowing we were asleep, recalling, possibly, the dreams we had during the night.  In order to do that we had to be conscious right? Even when our senses were not picking up information. Consciousness, then,  is more than just a byproduct of our nervous system functioning. It is real but invisible. Even though it is invisible, and falls away from the natural laws of matter, we know consciousness exists because we are conscious. 

It goes beyond even that, though. We are not just conscious we are consciousness.  We are not just aware of what is happening around us or in us, we are awareness.

Say what, crazy lady?

Well like anything consciousness has to have a source, doesn't it? It has to come from somewhere.  Eckhart Tolle describes it this way: A ray of sun shines light on something so we can see it but it is simply an expression of, a part of, an emanation of the sun...its source. In the same way we are conscious, like that ray, because we are an emanation of consciousness, an expression of consciousness , a part of consciousness.  If we are a part of Something, are we not  that Something? The answer to that could be yes and no, right? If I have a pie in front of me and I cut you a piece...the piece I give you is still Pie, isn't it? It is pie but it isn't the whole pie. The Source from which that piece was taken, the whole pie,  is much greater and grander. Hmm! And unlike the piece of pie, the ray of sun does not make its source,  the Sun,  any lesser by extending from it , does it? Our being conscious does not make the Source any less because it is shining through us, does it? 

Consciousness and this invisible reality goes beyond duality. We are a just a part of consciousness and we are consciousness.  We are just a part of the universe, and we are the universe.

The greatest miracle is that the universe is conscious....I know that because I am conscious. 

The only thing in the way of us knowing that is this little dualistic sense of "me"...of 'self".  Knowing the truth of who we are can help this "me"  to get out of the way, so we can shine like the sun. 

All is well

Eckhart Tolle (August? , 2023) How to Get True Guidance. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYCwYmk6248&t=549s

Writing

 The role of the writer is not to say what we can all say, but to say what we are unable to say.

Anais Nin

Chest pain persists, not working outside, back to doing yoga classes but not much else in terms of physicality. It is like Life is telling me I am meant to be writing. I am left with the ability, the  opportunity to spend my time here and it is exactly where I want to be. 

I have been writing and submitting...which is productive enough to sssh the Martha in me, isn't it? I have to ask myself this question when it comes to writing: Is being read by many all that important to me? When I submit, I submit not so much with that goal in mind but to simply complete the writing circle I created for myself.  That circle involves being inspired by some great 'healing' idea ( most of my writing centers around this concept of 'healing'), coming here...allowing whatever it is that wants to come out to come out, taking bits of citation from all the research notes I collected over the years and adding them if and where they fit, using the intellectual mind to rearrange the thoughts and concepts in a relatable way, and then I create a draft, then another and another...I do all this before I am ready to submit, even a proposal. I then do my market research...I choose about 8 publishers at a time, readjust the query or proposal to those requested submission guide lines each publisher wants and I submit.  Once I click "send", I am done. I have completed my circle knowing that I have sent what I have written to one reader...the acquisitions editor.  I have done what I can do.  I do not sit around wringing my hands waiting.  Most times, I completely forget that I have something 'out there'. It is out of my hands.  Hmm!

As far as this blog...I obviously do not care about being read by many.  I am not sure about what is going on with it...going from 100 readers to less than ten a day? The last 20 entries have not been read and what does get read, according to statistics, is stuff dragged up from years ago? Those that I know that used to read me tell me they cannot "find me" anymore?  I am not promoting or pushing...have not been since the beginning.  If I write something that gets published I will refer the reader here in my bio so they know who it was that wrote that article. I do not expect them or need them, however,  to become a "fan" of what I do here. I just need to be real and let them know who I am. For me, it is all about keeping it real...all else is out of my hands.

I do not "feel" that my job is to ensure I get read...to ensure that people are pleased with my writing. It isn't about collecting 'many' readers My job is to simply write...to allow what is inside me to come out. Whatever that is ,  is bigger than "me. " 

Sure ego wants more but but I want less ego. :) 

All is well.

Messed Up from Samskaras? And a Letter to Michael Singer

The disturbance that we create about something that happened is more disturbing than the original thing that disturbed us...

Michael A. Singer (Somewhat paraphrased)

So, serendipity again. I opened up to Michael Singer's podcast entitled, "Spirituality- Releasing the Root Cause of Inner Disturbance." Isn't that what I wrote about yesterday? 

I really, really want to talk to this man lol.  I don't know him or have any idea what he is like as a human person but I feel like we are on the same wave length in some way I don't understand.  I get his message so clearly.  It is uncanny but I get what he is saying as if it was already programmed in my mind. I would just love to have a convo with him about Life.  I don't want to make him, as a body and mind...a human...my guru or anything like that but I do see him as a teacher.  I can and have  learned from him and I am so grateful for that but I also feel like I could share with him this knowing that has come to me, as well. (Even though he is likely much  wiser and more evolved than I will ever be in this life time)   I really feel the urge to connect with him.  Since  that is unlikely to happen in the bigger scheme of things, I would like to write him a letter...maybe.

Hmm! I am going to write him a letter right here and send it out ...I will let Life decide form here where it goes. 

Dear Michael Singer,

I am writing to thank you for sharing your beautiful free flowing Shakti with the world through your books and podcasts. I am not going to call myself a "fan" because I want to believe we have both evolved beyond that point,  but I do call myself a very appreciative and receptive student of your  teaching. So thank you for doing what you do and for being who you are. 

 I  want you to know that I can truly relate to the way you teach the  ancient wisdom I have been studying and practicing  for years. Your personal approach has opened me up to that which I already knew, (that which we all already know), in ways I never thought possible.  I am so grateful for that.

In my desire to share with you my own understanding, gained more so from experience and inner reflection than my studying of scripture and teachings from very wise beings, including yourself, I am writing this letter.  Chances are, we may never have the chance to sit at a table together over tea discussing the wonders of Life and awakening, like the great philosophers of the world have done [ not calling myself great lol]. This is all I can think to do in lieu of that. I feel the need to connect.

I have read your books and I listen to your talks from The Temple of the Universe 2-3 times a week. They have become a part of my morning practice. I listen, reflect, write notes, debate and test out your teachings. Then I write about what I learn. I always write about what I learn.  Though I have studied Yoga and other teachings for years and what you share is not new to me...it resonates in a new and profound way. It inspires me to go on learning, to go on opening up. 

Anyway you said something today that hit home and led me to imagine what I would say to you about it  if we were casually sitting over a cup of tea.  

The disturbance that we create in our minds about something that happened, is more disturbing than the original thing that disturbed us...(somewhat paraphrased)

This is what I would share with you:

I agree this is true for about 75 % of our samskaras. Maybe not in trauma wounding, though? Some trauma pain is very, very big for the psyche to digest. We often attempt to diminish that pain small enough so we can stuff and store it. We fold it up like a pair of PJs we are packing away (Marie Kondo style) under a bunch of other stuff...but trauma pain  is often much bigger than its folded, tucked away size. So I would have to say the disturbance created by past trauma is much bigger than anything the present mind can do with it.  In fact, the mind often does not know what to do with trauma pain. It shuts down.

Of course all the trigger pains we store in relation to it are usually smaller than the bothersomeness we get from it. And it is true...the time we spend in actual trauma is much shorter than the time we spend dealing with it(usually in unwholesome ways) outside the trauma. For example, the person and situations responsible for the trauma and original wounding was only in my life for 14 years but I spent the next 46 years attempting to deal with what was done to that child I was then. 46 years is a lot longer than 14. What an unnecessary waste of precious time, that could have been spent embracing life fully and happily. If only I was able to let it go as soon as it came in. If only I knew then what I know now. 

 But the original wounding was so big and so intense for even the mind to react to it...it had to shut down whenever it got close to it. The trauma was bigger than anything my mind could have done with it.  The disturbance I felt when the mind got close to it, when it was triggered or pushed in that direction, however, was far bigger than the trigger that took me there. But the trauma disturbance was bigger than them all  :) 

I am writing a book, inspired by your teachings, about samskara release in regards to trauma. I can see where our approaches differ...You are presently, in your wonderful teaching, addressing  dealing with low hanging fruit  while I am addressing how to deal with the buried roots of the Redwood tree :).  You are gradually taking the reader to the roots of the fruit tree and I am standing with them near the trunk of the world's biggest tree, handing them a shovel and saying, "Dig!"  

It all boils down to the same thing: letting go!!! It involves the same process of realizing there is a mess inside and that nothing out there is going to fix it...going inward to take responsibility for the  mess...relaxing instead of resisting...allowing the samskaras to come up...not pushing them back down and eventually letting them go.  Of course, we know that what was stored in pain, comes up in pain. Most pain from samskara release, though unpleasant, we can handle. So we may say, "Bring  on the sore belly and the nausea.  Let me puke the poison out . ( Sorry...the nurse in me is suddenly doing the explaining, lol) 

Trauma pain, however, can be  little more caustic than other stored pain when it comes back up. It can do even more damage on its way out then what was done on its way in, if we are not careful.  A child that ingested a poison such as chlorine needs a different poison control approach than a child who ingested something that won't burn and do more damage coming back up, right?  The pain of stored trauma can burn through the esophagus of the psyche if it comes up without a buffer. In both cases the poison has to come up and out but in the past I would not  give syrup of ipecac to the child who drank the bleach, where I might have given  it to the child that took the sleeping pills. I , acting on what I was taught then, (though this rationale is not used anymore,)  would think the child that swallowed the pills needs to vomit them up and it won't hurt them to do so.  It will be unpleasant...yes...the belly will hurt and the nausea will suck but it won't last forever. They will soon be poison free and feel much better.  I would not have induced vomiting in the other child. I would more likely need the order and support of a team to buffer the expulsion of poison, with charcoal maybe,  for the child whose ingested substance was so caustic and corrosive. Some unprocessed trauma pain is caustic and corrosive. 

So, when it comes to releasing the samskaras of trauma...we do need a more careful approach. Oh heck yes...we want those blockages  out of us...but we need to buffer that release. I know Life and consciousness will naturally take care of the release when we are ready but it might benefit to have a good personal and professional support system around when that mind burning stuff comes back up. Especially if we have not yet evolved to the point where we are able to handle it.

Enlightenment, is probably the greatest buffer, would you say? It is, however, a slow process for some of us who want healing.  I am personally prioritizing my Self-realization, in hope that the big stuff (that I know is in there but that mind won't let me remember) won't make its way back out until I am ready. I am dealing with all the "low hanging fruit" as best as I can and rejoicing in the release of some of the deeper stored stuff that isn't so caustic as it comes up . But I know that the biggest, deepest  blockage is still in me. There is a big burning hot red coal of samskara in there that I need to prepare my body and mind for before it is expelled. So I do find myself questioning, "What am I going to do about that?"  

It isn't about "me", though, is it; it isn't about  when "me"  is ready, is it? I did my part here, and do my part everyday when I profess my willingness to relax, release and let go of my blockages.I am willing to open up and release, I truly, truly am. I can buffer the release. I certainly can but then I have to trust that Life will take care of the rest,  Thy Will, not 'my will'  be done.   I need to get that poison out of this body and mind I am using for the time being but maybe it isn't so much about "me" getting it out and more about trusting and allowing it to just happen in a gentle and effective way.

Anyway, thankyou for providing a learning platform for this mind  to question and reflect as I learn, grow , heal and eventually get out of the way. so that the something-much greater,  you enemate, can shine through. Thank you for your teaching.

May you be well,

Well that  is what came out of me.  Maybe every week I will write a letter to great teachers,  be they dead or alive, about  something they said that made me go off on a ramble lol. Man. me and my rambles.  It is a good thing I am not sitting across with the great thinkers of the world having tea, like I dream about being able to do.  After a few minutes of my rambling, even the  most evolved  would be trying to drown themselves in their cups lol. 

All is well.

 

"What is Wrong With Me?"

 I had a feeling there was something wrong with me.  I guess I was a mystery even to myself. 

Benjamin Alire Saenz

I am captivated by the question, this morning, "What is wrong with me?"

 Now that is a question that has many sides to it.  First, let me explain where it comes from. Let me share the insignificant and somewhat boring story of detail that belongs to this person I call "me". Why would I bore you with the detail? Because I know this is a question that many of us ask ourselves everyday and I believe it is more important to get to the root of the question than it is to diffuse it  with positive reconstruction. Though the details of our stories may differ, the root cause doesn't. The detail takes us to the root. 

The Present Situation Leading to the Question?

So this question arose in my mind after a shame/guilt reaction this morning when I found myself hesitating to meet self -imposed but socially conditioned expectations.  I didn't jump quick enough on the calls that came in for work and they were taken by others, That means, I once again find myself  'not working and earning money".  The shame comes because I know, I probably could have gotten these jobs ...well at least one maybe... if I didn't over think it and just pressed" accept" as soon as they came in.  But I allowed a certain fear and doubt to stop me from jumping on it. I am not working enough...so my my mind tells me. If I approached this like I did at the beginning with, "This is an adventure.  I won't know what and where I will be until I get there.  Cool!" ...I would be working almost everyday. I am, however,  approaching it ever so cautiously, too cautiously... I am hesitating every time a call comes in...searching to determine  what  will be expected of me that day and questioning if I have the physical and mental stamina to take on that specific  role for eight hours. 

Preferring

I am, in a sense,  attempting to manipulate, control and pick and choose from what life offers so that I feel comfortable inside. I am pushing away...not selecting...that which makes me feel uncomfortable.  I am preferring. My hesitation and reluctance to accept right away is due to preference. And we know, by now, that The great way is not difficult for those who have no preferences, (Third Zen Patriarch), right? The great way is more difficult for those of us that still prefer. Sigh!

Letting Others Down?

Well... in a moment's hesitation the jobs are taken by others.  The window for accepting is small. It has gotten quite competitive.  There are many more available people out there now than there was when I began and my presence, in the pool of many, is really not needed anymore. For the most part, not accepting calls impacts no one except me. I mean there were days when the calls were plenty but because of circumstances or the way I physically felt that day,  I could not take the call. There may have been jobs not filled on those rare days but for the most part this form is not missed. I am really not letting anyone down. So I know that. The fact that the  much needed service I thought I was providing, is not much needed anymore and that others out there might need and want the work more than I do, allows me to rationalize my hesitation. I am not letting anyone down. I may even be helping others by  stepping out of the way for them to jump on the opportunity. Good thing, right? 

So... why the guilt?  Why the fear? Why the question, "What is wrong with me?" 

This is where we trace back. Though it seems that I am asking "What is wrong with me for not working more?"...I am not that upset about what is happening now.  This question  has little to do with  my not working enough today. You see, this little detail in my story triggers a buried detail from a past story.  Through it, I am reminded of a time when I could not work because of health issues and a certain amount of fear related to what might happen if I do.  I chose health and wellness over income and the need to meet social expectations ("people with my education work and earn a certain income...they are productive") ...I felt great shame then.  I felt like I was letting others, besides society,  down...my children mostly because we  had to live on a very fixed and sometimes non existent income. It was really challenging.  There was always the question in the back of my mind then, " Can I push past this?  Am I letting fear get in the way of my providing better for my children and for being a productive member of society?" I felt tremendous shame for not pushing past the body's cry for help....for allowing fear to get in the way.   I believed that if  I pushed past the symptoms and just did what was expected of me, I wouldn't have to make my children suffer.  I wouldn't have to live with such shame over not being a productive member of society. I felt very selfish for choosing my own health over  my children's comfort and society's expectation of me. 

Lurking Beyond the Obvious 

What made it worse was there was also  a non physical wellness issue lurking in the background impacting both  the physical one and the situational one. Severe PTSD from past trauma was crying for me to deal with it. The idea that I  had anxiety was something I never wanted to admit. It led to great shame. It was much easier to accept the physical reasons for my present state of wellness than it was to accept the emotional and mental ones. To me, they were completely separate.  I could not, until the last ten years, see the irreversible connection between the two. I had spent my entire life pushing the pain of my past trauma  down whenever it got triggered and it got triggered a lot!   It was exhausting. No wonder why my heart and body were so tired. My chosen career was actually a very big trigger for these PTSD symptoms, explaining why my health broke down at work. I only realized that in the last few years as well. 

Trigger triggering a trigger, triggering an unresolved wounding

So long story short...when I fail to work or meet social expectation,   I am reminded of that painful time when I had to leave work for health reasons and any remnants of the shame that was there then emerges.  This then triggers a layer of samskara under that related to past trauma triggering from experiences I had in my chosen career over the decades and that takes me back to the rawness of trauma memory where the original wounding began...when I first had to ask that question, "What is wrong with me?"  Meaning:  what is so wrong with me that I would deserve this. This question, from way, way back,  emerges with shame and fear. Though totally irrational, the fear that manifests today, in its varied levels and intensities, ( like that which causes me to hesitate before accepting a job)  is just that fear I had then, making its way through the levels of the samskaras  with each, "I am not meeting social expectation therefore there must be something wrong with me and something "bad and painful" is going to happen as a result."

What the fork does this long boring story have to do with anything crazy lady? 

When we notice ourselves reacting in a given situation, as I did over my hesitancy to accept work, we need to spend, I believe, more time asking "why" we feel that way rather than asking, "What can I do to stop feeling that way?" We need to trace it back.  

Our conditioned core beliefs often come to the surface before we even know where they come from.  Beliefs that there is something wrong with us ( very common) are usually the result of some past wounding that goes all the way back to childhood and have little to do with what is happening in our present set of circumstances.  You may find yourself asking that question, What is wrong with me?,  after your boss reprimands you, or when you make an embarrassing mistake or when your partner leaves you. Though these things are no doubt painful...they are not the cause of the fear and shame.  It goes deeper and if we want true healing and freedom from suffering, we need to get to the roots of it.  Why? Once we see where it all comes from, once we expose it to the light, it loses its fear factor. And shame doesn't do well in the light of day either.  We will, then,  be more likely to deny the automatic urge to keep pushing it back down and we will let the samskaras come up like they are so inclined to do before we let them go.   

What is wrong with "me"?

We can look at that question in many ways. On the surface level you can take it as an opportunity to trace back and get to the root of it, as I have done above, Instead of placating this "me" by saying, "Nothing is wrong with you"...and pretending by building a stronger and prettier outer self...start looking at  the truth in that question. What might not be right inside you? Start looking at the pain and the mess most of us have inside taht we do anything to pretend isn't there. Let's face what is wrong with us  for the sake of healing. 

We can take it deeper. When you ask, what is wrong with "me"?  I want to say: absolutely everything! This "me", which is nothing more than a  self concept built on a collection of learned experiences and stuffed samskaras, which is made from clinging to old wounds and  from preferring comfort inside is perfectly normal, yes, but it is  not something you want to hang on to.  This "me" is what is causing you to have these reactions  today...these hesitations, these painful bouts of fear and shame . This "me" is what is taking you from this precious moment and into the story in your head about all that is wrong with you and Life. 

At a deeper level...this question is very profound.  It has the potential to free you. Use it to come back to Self by dismantling the "me"  one samskara at a time, one root at a time.  Hmm!  

Well that is the way I see it,  But what the  heck do I know?  :) 

All is well in my world.  

Submitting

I actually wrote this on April 26

Turning a manuscript into a book is easy; getting the manuscript ready to become a book is hard.

AP Fuchs

 I sent out some book proposals yesterday to satisfy both the Mary and the Martha in me :) Before I go any farther, you do know that I am not delusional?...(Well we are all delusional) ...but I do not have a fixed false belief that there is actually a person called "Mary" and a person called "Martha" living  in me. lol  Just so you know.  More than a few people think I am off my rocker, as it is, because of what I write and sometimes speak about. To those individuals this waking up stuff is just a bunch of "crazy woo-woo!" and I am the "crazy lady" that is spewing it. So when I write or speak  figuratively,  they may be taking it literally. I can assure you, I am no crazier than any one else but we are all more than a little crazy, aren't we?  

Anyway...as I was saying...I sent some book proposals out yesterday. And I am feeling a tremendous sense of relief. "I half completed the cycle! I am getting somewhere. "  You see, with me, the writing process involves not only the idea to write, the completion of the many drafts, and then the finished product but it also involves having what I have written... read.  I do not put a lot of focus on who reads it and what they may think about it. But I need a reader to finish the cycle.  Nothing is completed until it is read, as far as I am concerned. By submitting, I am releasing what I wrote to a reader (even if it doesn't get published); I am closing the circle. 

 I am doing my best not to prefer, I am... but I meet a certain resistance when it comes to the submission process.  I could write forever about almost anything. Hours, days, weeks could go by with me barely getting out of this spot. It is almost effortless...but when it comes to submitting. Yick! I am challenged to write a synopsis or a book proposal  or  a cover letter that will make someone out there want to consider what I wrote.   I have to push myself through it. I find it unnatural to have to promote myself or what I write, to "sell it". I just want to hand whomever the manuscript  and say,  "Here...read it...this is who I am...if you like it, great,,,if you don't, that's great too...Thanks for reading it. " Once it is out there...I stop thinking about it.  I mean really...but to get it out there requires a certain amount of unnatural work and effort from me. 

Anyway, I usually finish what I write before I send it out too, but this time I sent out a proposal for a work in progress.  ...so the cycle is only half completed.  Still, I feel relief...mostly due to the fact that I am done with the proposal lol. I can go back to the book and relax as I write it. Do I think someone is going to pick it up?  No, not really. I am just being honest and realistic when I say that.  I chose publishers I would be honored to publish under but I know the chances for an unknown to be recognized by them is low.  It is a risk  to publish an unknown. There is also a heck of a lot better writers out there than me with topics that might be more suitable for publication. There is a lot of writers with agents, more publications and credentials under their belts  too. Though I usually write to serve a need, not everyone is aware that they need what I share lol. All I offer, can offer, is me in my imperfect form with my imperfect gift of words and shared wisdom. That might not be what others want. :) 

Will I be disappointed and hurt with each rejection? No, not really.  Like I said I let it go and I don't create unreal expectations for myself or others.  If it happens, it happens.  It is all good! The important thing is I have the proposals out there! I am churning the wheel. (Might send it out to a couple of more smaller presses, round the number out a bit)  For the most part, my contribution in this is complete..for now...the rest is  up to Life, not "me".  So I let it go! 

All is well in the world.

The Observer Within

 Observe, and in the observation there is neither the "observer" or the "observed", there is only observation taking place.

Jiddu Krishnamurti

Well that poem I put down yesterday is staying up as part of my practice of embracing the uncomfortable.  It is a low hanging fruit I can practice with.  It is "embarrassing "to the ego and that is wonderful. I observe the embarrassment and ask:

"How do you know you are embarrassed?"

I feel it inside, duh!

"What inside you is embarrassed?" 

Well "me" as the persona that identifies as writer is embarrassed, The not okay  "me" that wants approval and redemption in order to feel okay inside is embarrassed. The "me" that is worried about what other people think and fears rejection is embarrassed. 

"How do you  know "me" is embarrassed?"

Part of this thing "I am",  can see it and feel it.  It is observing it.

"So there is Something else inside you besides this neurotic little me?"

Yeah...I guess. 

 "Who or what  is observing this part of "me" that is embarrassed?" 

Well I am not sure what this thing is. I do know that to be observing it, means that it isn't the same  "me" that is embarrassed.  It has to be outside of it to witness it. So whatever it is, it isn't the "me" that is embarrassed...it is the Observer of it. And  though this Observer is inside this mind and body  with this "me"...it isn't the "me". 

"So ...again...your inner world consists of two beings?" 

Well kind of , I suppose.  There is "me" and there is the Observer of "me". 

 "Is that Observer embarrassed?"

No...this Observer is very objective and neutral in its opinion of things.  It doesn't seem to get upset about what "me" is going through...It tends to watch it, sometimes obsessively,   but is not disturbed by it or its dramas.  It sees that "me" is embarrassed but It isn't. 

"So you have two parts inside you...one part is disturbed and the other part is objectively watching the disturbance but  it, itself, is not disturbed?" 

Yeah...I guess.  One part is peaceful and one part isn't. 

"Okay. You see the two parts inside you right?  One is peaceful and nonreactive; one is very reactive, easily embarrassed, easily disturbed?   If you can see these two parts, you get to choose which one you want to put your attention on.  Don't you?"

I guess.

"Okay. Do you tend, historically, to put most of your attention on this "me" with its  drama or disturbance...focusing on  its embarrassment by saying "I am embarrassed"?  And when you do that, do you not get so lost in the drama you forget all about the other part of you?  Do you get so lost in the drama of me that you forget about the peaceful Watcher of it all.  Do you forget there is another part of you, you could  place your attention on? Do you forget you have another choice? Do you forget that you can choose peace rather than this?"

Yes, I often get lost in "me" and its drama.I am seldom peaceful.

" How does that feel?  How does living feel when you are constantly getting lost in "me" at the exclusion of this Peaceful Observer?" 

Yucky.  Life is hard. It isn't peaceful. It is scary because I never really know how me is going to feel or react to what is happening out there. 

"What do you think would happen, if instead of focusing your attention on this "me" story you put your attention on the peaceful Observer watching this "me" story?"

Well,  I wouldn't be so disturbed.  I would not be so lost in the story of "me", so identified with it, so trapped in it.  I too would look at Life a little more objectively without reacting and getting disturbed.  I would be more peaceful.  Life would be so much less "disturbing". It would be freeing not to be so easily disturbed. 

"Hmm. So why do you think you are not doing that?"

Well the story of me is so dramatic and it keeps pulling me in and once I am in, it is hard to get out.  I don't even know I am in a story anymore when I am there.  It all seems so real...The problems seem so real.  It is hard not to focus on all the so called problems and disturbance.

"Okay ...so I will ask you again.  Who knows and who is watching this story of me you so often find yourself lost in?"

The Peaceful Objective Observer is watching.

"So the other part of you, that is not the "me" but simply observing the me knows you are embarrassed and is watching you, as "me",  get lost in this story?"

Yeah... I guess

"So you are aware then,,. that even though you "think" you are lost in the story of me that something is outside this story watching it?"

Yeah but I am getting confused.

"Bear with me. This thing that is watching the story is not lost in the story, not disturbed by the story, right? It is watching it all from a distance inside you. So if you focus your attention on that, rather than on "me", you won't be lost either.  You won't be disturbed either.

Oh man...this sounds like some kind of riddle.

The same thing that is watching the  story, can stop watching the story. It is just a matter of looking elsewhere. You are not just the "me" caught up in the story. You are the thing watching the story. Choose being the Observer over the "me" and look elsewhere. 

 How do I do that? Me keeps pulling me back in.

""Me"  is not pulling you back in...it is just  the star of a "story" that you are choosing to watch. This story can only continue while the Observer is watching it.  When the Observer is not watching it...there is no story and if there is no story, it was never real .  If the story was never real,  either was the "me". If the "me" was never real, all that is inside you then...in reality...is the Observer. You may not be ready for that yet....so for now,  just be aware that inside you is a great Observer of everything. It is watching this made up drama of "me" and the production is so good sometimes you, as It, get overly absorbed into it.You see "me"and all its drama  as real at those times.  

Huh? 

"Regardless of where you are at in this understanding, choose to identify more with the Observer in you than the "me". Just know and observe what is going on inside you at all times. Observe when you are lost in "me"; observe when you are not. And practice challenging this understanding with challenge that "me" often reacts to.  Practice with little disturbances like embarrassment. Then gradually as you observe, notice more and more when you are not the embarrassed "me" but the undisturbed Observer,  until eventually you are no longer "me "  and just the Observer,  until you are no longer disturbance, just peace. Someday you will recognize yourself as  awareness. Awareness, doesn't get embarrassed or disturbed. Until then keep observing."

Well that is what came out of me. All is well.

Merging?

 I walk along the endless beach that suddenly has no shore.

I taste the wine right from the grape until I can drink no more.

I melt into the sunlight that pours down upon my skin

I become the very ocean that I am floating in

I feel myself merging with the world that I see

and with each breath I take, it becomes a part of me.

I am the pain of suffering beings that I have never met

I am the freeing laughter  behind each tiny  heart's   regret.

My own heart  grows with every soul that makes it through the night;

and I rejoice in  the joy of many others as they awaken to the light.

I realize, I am much more than this witness that  sees and loves  it all.

I am the very essence of the One. I am everything. I am all. 

Dale-Lyn, April, 2023

I woke up with the first two lines in my head and it was like "Wow! You gotta go write those down before you forget them."  Was not quite sure what they were about, except maybe merging into Oneness....but  I obeyed that little voice and came out here at 330 in the morning to jot them down.  Crazy! Then as I sat down to look at them in the morning light, it was like What The Fork? 

 I find myself trying to "do" something with them...create something from them and it doesn't feel like it did when I first jotted those words down.  It feels forced with a need to rhyme...jarring, with poor sentence structure.  It was as if  Martha was in charge of that lol. She shoved some lines in there just to get the rhyme and it shows. (Highlighted those) Anyway...not great.  Far from it. Mary is a much better poet but she doesn't mind if Martha's interference makes a choppy poem.  She doesn't care what people think as long as the message is good. Well Martha will probs be back later to fix it up...she cares what others think too much to leave it at that. 

All good.