Cracks in the Ice

 I let people see the cracks in my life. We can't be phony. We got to keep it real.

Charles R. Swindoll

This blog tells me there was zero readers today and Google analytics tells me otherwise.  Why is that? 

I am so tired today...drained actually.  The chest thing which I am beginning to believe is a different manifestation of the heart thing...is draining me of physical energy.  And the bit of energy that is able to get through my blockages is seeping through my pores with every hot flash of transition and life circumstance I experience. The majority of this Shakti stuff , I know, is still blocked under some heavy duty samskara, circling around itself , creating a lot of energy underneath.  With the work I do in my practice ( why did I call it work?) and my prayer/intention to have it rise to the surface and wash the remnants of this broken me away, it is more determined to do that.  The energy below is getting stronger. The ice is cracking above the current,,,and there is a lot of rumbling going on ...Man... I can feel that rumbling...but the blockage  is still thick. 

I find my self, in whatever form I am...under the ice ...desperately crying for a good breath of air and the feel of warm sun on my skin.  It is just recently, however,  that I allowed myself to admit that is what I truly "want", to experience the fruition of that soul desire that has always been there. I have spent my life making the most of my "situation/situations",  working so hard to be brave...as I, a little "me", broken and afraid...but oh so hopeful...made the best of my so called "life" down here below the ice. I believed this was all there was. So I looked for and celebrated in any tiny bit of light that made it a little less dark in here. I braced myself and "hoped" my way through the very dark and cold times.There were many of those.  I lived like I was supposed  to create an image of strength for those down here with me as the ice above got thicker, and thicker and thicker...  " I should be, have to be, must be strong" I recited to myself. "I must grab and rejoice in any bit of happiness and peace I can find."  I felt great shame when I wasn't strong or happy, when fear dragged me deeper into the swirling trapped energies. But I thought that was my plight, my destiny...that there was nothing "more". I couldn't see what really needed to happen. Now I do. 

I don't want to live like that anymore!  I want to get rid of all the have-tos and just be free.   I am saying out loud to the Universe within mySelf :  "I don't want to do this anymore"...I want this Forking  ice off me...once and for all so that I can see this "me" that is doing all the suffering as nothing more than something in the way of  my true strength as Self. So I can see mySelf as the very water I feel trapped in because of the ice this "me" put there.  Imagine simply being that free flowing current? Of feeling the sun warming and brightening this Self without barriers and  the warm spring rains replenishing what I thought I lost but that truly never was lost...knowing it was always just absorbed and stored away in another form ( like precipitation in the clouds) . 

Anyway...I ramble this morning...not making sense. Something just pushing up through the cracks in the ice, I guess. I need to sit with whatever that is.

All is well.