Trust?

 You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough.

Frank Crane

I want to trust... I do. I want to trust that what I do here has meaning and value to at least myself.  I want to trust that I am where I am for a reason and that it will all unfold exactly as it is meant to.  I risk being deceived in order to avoid the torment of suspicion. So I have chosen to trust this site and the internet to get what I feel  I need to say out there. I don't focus on outcomes...I just let it go.

I do not think much about it after I write or add to this blog. Yet, every now and again I get these icy fingers down my spine and this knot of distrust in my gut.

I appear to be  missing content from some of my entries...I mean wiped clean.  This is not the first time this has happened.  I have even had entries from way back  transposed on to different pages.  I can tell, for example, because in a December  entry about "Walking in the woods  on a winter's day", the actual  entry will be about the summer. I am not sure how many are like that but there is a few, as I go back.   It is like how did that get there and why is it now there?  Who has the ability to access and edit? Why would they? This leaves me feeling very uncomfortable with the site.  I wrote a good long entry on expression and suppression the other day. Today,  I find it in "draft" mode and open it up to discover that it is gone from the "edit post" page. All that is left is Michael A. Singer's reference. I am like what?  What is happening.? That entry was important to me....said something significant and now it is gone...wiped clean?  And it has gone from published to "draft". How does that happen? 

Yesterday, I wrote about how good it was to come here...but by "here" I mean to a reliable and trustworthy medium.I don't mind obscurity...not at all. But.... I don't want to fuss and worry about what I write after I write it.  It is one thing that readership suddenly just stops every now and again, and quite another thing that what I am writing is possibly being taken for whatever crazy reason. It is hard to get comfortable with what I do here,  in those cases. I don't want to be suspicious or anxious. I don't want to be overprotective and possessive of what comes out of me here either... but I need to know that what I am doing here has wholesome purpose and meaning.  I need to know that this time and effort is not  just supporting and serving the selfish, unwholesome needs of others. 

I am hoping it is all just a mistake on my part.  That I somehow drafted and deleted this entry on suppression and expression...that I somehow accidently transposed those other entries?? I want to trust this site. I want to trust this medium of expression, I do.  At the same time, I ask for and pray for a little more clarity.  Is this the site I am supposed to be on?  Is this the medium I am supposed to be using? Is this where I will do the most good?  The answers will come.  I know they will.

He who does not trust enough, will not be trusted.Lao Tzu

All is well.