A Waste of Time and Effort?

 

When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all your thoughts break their bonds: Your mind transcends limitation, your consciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a new, great and wonderful world.  Dormant forces, faculties, and talents become alive, and you discover yourself to be a greater person by far than you ever dreamed to be. 

Patanjali

I am not sure that what I do here is a great purpose or an extraordinary project but it does feel very important to "me" if to no one else.  Coming here, learning and expressing what I learn for nonpersonal and personal reasons seems to be the most important thing I "do" these days. It, (and my yoga practice/teaching) seem to be the only doing - things that makes sense to the  part of me that I can still not make complete conceptual sense of.  

This stuff doesn't make sense to the ego...oh no, it doesn't make a lick of sense to ego.  That part of my mind still operating as "little me" with all its demands and directions on how I should "do" and be in this physical world is constantly reprimanding me for coming here every morning.  I mean there are a few  times it is "pleased", like  when the readership for the day is up passed fifty or I write something that appeases its technical and public pleasing nature....But for the  most part, the egoic part of my mind is telling me that this is a waste of time and maybe even talent ( ego likes to redeem and shame at the same time, right? So it throws the "talent" word in there every now and again.)  On the other hand,  it tells me I should be ashamed for being where I am in Life: barely working, not keeping up with appearances, prioritizing this "woo-woo" stuff over the practical etc.  It reminds me that so much time and effort is spent here,  at the  expense of other, "more acceptable" and paying  ego pursuits. It harps on about how there are so few readers, no recognition, no income...and other things that the  productivity inclined and people pleasing ego claims I need in order to survive psychosocially in this world. It suggests I do other things, go elsewhere , and if I insist on writing, that I write more "publishable and people pleasing" stuff. I even try to heed its advice and follow its directions by doing just that. I tell myself I am going to spend less time here so I can be out there more. I go to my other stuff. I go to my other writing. I tell myself I am going to stay away.

But when the morning light streams through my window, all I can think to do is get my tea and come here.  This is how I "want" ( if I dare use that word) to spend my morning hours...surrounding myself with wisdom, seeking the wisdom inside me and getting closer and closer to that elusive "waking up".  It does not feel like "striving" or struggling or needing.  It just feels so "natural"...This seems to be a natural place to put down all I am learning and a natural place to release all that which I am letting go of...a landing mat for the shakti that is beginning to trickle out of me 

That thing that exists beyond the veil of ego mind, with all its likes and dislikes and its obsessive desire to protect itself,...is pulling me here. It is crazy.  I feel as if if this is where I am supposed to be.  Few things matter more to me. And I don't understand it  conceptually...not at all!!  It is like "What the Fork?"

...Still here I am.

Every morning, as if pulled by the same thing that pulls the tides, I find myself here...listening, reading, meditating, reflecting, observing my old mind tendencies, learning and then sharing. I love the process of putting it all together, this practice gives me.  And when I say "me"...I mean the deeper part of me.  I am finding this Self I call "me" to be a greater person than I ever dreamed to be.

How can that be a waste of time and effort? I am giving here in a way that I do not give anywhere else...completely and freely with this sincere hope that I and others will awaken just a bit more because of what I am doing with the  morning moments that unfold in front of me.

That brings me to this quote. 

The highest life anyone can live, is one where every moment that passes in front of you is better off because it did.

Michael A. Singer

Anyway, all is well!