Stuck in Wanting and Resisting?

 One way to stay stuck is to get what you want.

Michael A. Singer

Stuck in wanting and resisting?

Hmm!  I have been thinking  alot about wanting. I have been going over in my mind  how "preferring" gets in the way of us living in this moment fully and completely. The root of all suffering, according to the Buddha and others, is desire.  I like to watch my desiring mind in action and lately I am pretty quick to observe when it is preferring. It prefers "alot". Some times I grasp and cling for the desired "stuff" it tells me I need in order to be happier; sometimes I also do the unwholesome and unnecessary thing of "renouncing" a desired object or circumstance for the sake of my spiritual evolution and sometimes I do nothing but notice that I am wanting something. In the same tone of  observation, I notice and observe when I don't want something...when I am averse to it, when I am resisting it. I see myself resisting a thing or experience  and I automatically feel guilty...like I am failing in my practice, failing in Life. I guess, I fear my wanting and my resisting will keep me stuck.

This guilt and fear must be examined a bit, for their unwholesome tendencies. I don't want to beat myself up for my lapses or failures...if that is indeed what they are.  I don't know. I just want to learn and I want to grow.  Examining those times when our  resisting, preferring mind runs off with our lives will help us to learn and grow. Won't it?

Preferring and Resisting

One of the things I notice I am preferring is the time I get to spend here with my words, reading, writing, meditating, practicing and learning. I prefer this to the thing I am resisting these days...work. I am in the habit, it seems lately,  of avoiding work. It is not that I am adverse to what I do out there to earn a few dollars and it isn't that I love it either....it is a very neutral experience .... but it, like everything in life we react to,  has the potential of "disturbing me".  This job does require a certain amount of physical and emotional stamina that I feel I am lacking in these days, in order to avoid being "disturbed". Being disturbance free in this job requires in me a willingness to be so evolved spiritually that I am detached from the  opinion of others and the need for positive self esteem or that I become overly concerned about  other opinion  and do whatever I can to manipulate and create a semblance of external positive regard.

From an object of Adventure.... 

Obviously,  the latter is more exhausting and neurotic making.  The former is the way to go...and it is the way I started this "adventure".  Yes, in the beginning I referred to this as an adventure.  My physical and emotional and spiritual energy levels were much higher when I began this job.  It was all about serving and experiencing; challenging myself and growing.  "Little me", with its neurosis and physical limitations, was tucked away somewhere and the greater part of me was in charge. I was open.  I really didn't care what others thought. There was so little anxiety and worry...or at least, I didn't let it stop me.  I didn't worry about what my body could do or not do.I jumped at any job that came up.  Not to say some days were not more challenging than others. And I certainly had some minor disturbances and slip ups into old habit tendencies  but I was able to embrace them, learn from them and then let them go. I was using the job to grow and evolve.  It was so cool.  

...to an object of resistance. 

The job has not changed...not an iota...but I have.

Somewhere along the way, I closed. I mean there were external variables...not that they were the cause for my so called problems but Life was heavy with crisis and it was calling me away from work.  I had other circumstances to deal with making me seem less reliable. Then my mind became super focused on appearing less than reliable.  Little circumstances arose that fed that ideation. I found myself worrying more about what others thought and trying to "redeem" myself.  This impacted the way I did my job ( even if it was only in my mind). Then I got tired...like really tired.  I won't go into specifics about the physical causes...but I know what they are and they are legit.  Because of the reliability issue, I  stopped taking calls in advance and decide to wait until the mornings. As the morning calls came in, I found myself hesitating with "Do I have the physical stamina to handle this group today ?" "How much stair climbing do I normally do in that school, how much running around?"  And in other groups it was like, "Is my self esteem high enough to handle this group today?" or  "Do I have the mental and emotional energy or resiliency to get through a day here?" So I really had to think before I decided to take a call and if I felt I could take one, the job was often gone by the time I accepted.  And there were many mornings when I just didn't accept because I felt it would be too much. I would feel so guilty if these ones didn't get filled, like I was letting others down.  Heck, I felt so guilty anyway. ...like I was doing something bad or wrong by not going in, not earning money. 

The fear factor in resistance

Now anxiety does have something to do with my resistance to work. The more I am away from it, a certain anxiety about returning to that which is not totally familiar emerges. There is a certain amount of fear there preventing me from jumping on every call. I am averse to fear.  My old habit tendency is to push it away. 

Resisting in preference of something else

Preference also plays a part in my avoidance resistance.  I prefer  to be here in front of this computer doing what I do. Sigh. This morning, I hesitated too long again, even though I got up to be ready and the calls were taken. I felt a twinge of guilt, yes but I also  felt soooo relieved and so excited about being able to come here and do my own thing in a quiet house! I got what I wanted! So the thought that I was resisting work for fear and desire reasons made me feel even more like a spiritual failure.  Now that I got what I wanted and I avoided what I might not have wanted, am I stuck?  

A wise person, multiple times a day, steps back and wonders what they are doing with their life. 

Questioning

I am always questioning and wondering if I am making the best use of the very limited time I have on this planet.   Is what I am doing right now, the best use of the time I have? Certainly not making any money like I would if I did the other thing.  And I am certainly not seeking to "renounce" the world by coming here either.  I know the folly of that. But I do prefer it here. Is that preference keeping me stuck?  Am I to look at it like this:  Life handed me a series of learning adventures to choose from today and in my hesitation, I resisted them all therefore I am keeping myself stuck?  Am I to see that because there is less disturbance potential here, I am not growing as much as I could by staying here and because there is so much disturbance potential out there, in that little job I signed up for, I should be jumping on each call  regardless of what body, mind and energy are saying or doing? 

Where Do I Best Serve?

Hmmm! I could take it a bit farther...if my purpose is to simply let Life unfold through me, I could argue, it does that more through me as a vessel of words than it does a sort of "babysitter", doesn't it?  If I am to serve Life ...do I not serve it better here than I do there?  Where am I doing the most good...serving more?  It seems "here" would be the answer to that.

Where do I serve Self more? This spiritual practice I do here  helps me tremendously to grow but is it challenging enough?  If I am compassionate with myself, is it not okay to say, "It was more important for you to be here while your body, mind and heart were recovering than it was to be challenging yourself?" This  was the  best place for me to be then, in reference to the past?   Maybe, it was the best place to be, because it was as it was and there is no going back.  And in the future...should I be putting my energies more "here" or "there" ? Something in me says "here". Maybe I need to look at just getting a day in a week "out there" so I am getting "out there" and spend most of that precious time here ? Or is that just rationalization?  Is it just safer to be here? I don't know. Maybe it is time to take my inner practice out there. I don't know.

Maybe Life does not give a darn about whether I am here or there.  Maybe it doesn't care what I chose to do or not do. Maybe it just wants me to stay open so it can pour through me. How I open up and where I open up is not the issue  I just need to stay open.??

Man this is confusing.  I will meditate, and pray and  allow the answers to come.

All is well. 

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( April 10, 2023) Real Growth Means Inner Change. https://tou.org/talks/