The wound is the place where the light enters
Rumi
I woke up a few minutes ago feeling so raw...well maybe with an awareness of how raw I have been feeling lately. This healing, this Self recovery, is really like a debridement of layer after layer after layer. With the removal of each protective but unhealthy exterior coating, tender spots are exposed...and it is like, "Oh man. Is this what I was hiding in here under that layer? Is this what I have been really feeling and experiencing under the shells I have created? This sucks!! No wonder why my mind did everything it could to keep me from it!"
These weeds of challenging emotion were always popping up through the surface of my psyche but instead of digging down to pull them out at the roots, which is the only way to remove a weed, my mind just got me to cover them up with layer after layer of whatever I could find "out there" that would make me look presentable to myself and others. I buried so, so much! I created a very thick and heavy layer over these weeds and in my desire to finally heal, to get to the roots of suffering for myself and others, and to reach who I really am, there was a lot to get through It is not the memory I am recovering so much (that is still somewhat vague and distorted) but the feeling knots and tangles wrapped around these core messages, in the way of me having a fluid energy release, that I find myself dealing with right now, you know? The messages they are wrapped around are so brutal, so nasty...it is like how can anyone think that of themselves? I would never think that of another living being, yet this is what I really think of my individual self? How can anyone feel like that and not know it? It surprises me to realize how broken this "me" is under every layer that gets debrided. It surprises me but it would surprise others more...those who see me as the layers I wore, those still identified with their own outer surfaces have no idea about the degree of "brokenness" I am dealing with as this "me". How could they? It was all hidden so well.
Well...I am sick of the pain just having the weeds pop out causes. I am even more sick of all the work I have to do to keep hiding them. I am sick of suffering and I know in order to get beyond it, I have to go through it. I have to get to the roots ... in my store consciousness and gentle expose them...examine and embrace each root before I release it. Sigh! The debriding part is easy ( though painful). Life takes care of most of that. Winds will blow, others will tramp through, circumstance will break my outer surfaces down etc removing the outer layers. Weeds will get fed and watered by numerous things and pop up through the thinning surface. I do not need to do much but notice, allow, look deeply for the root and gently nurture it and myself while I pull it out. Heck...if enough soil gets blown away, one doesn't have to even pull...the root will be exposed without effort from me. Sigh! I do not have to do much but stop pushing it back down!
I imagine my life to look like a garden over run by weeds right now ...some pulled out with roots exposed, others still buried deep. Now that less and less is covered up by a false self...everything seems so messy and chaotic on the surface. It is painful. Others have to see that now...don't they? I don't want to hide it any longer. It is hard for me to see how messed up I am but it is so necessary. I am not going to bury it anymore. I want the weeds exposed so I can eventually expose the roots of human suffering.
I need to feel the pain of this debridement at each layer and the raw vulnerability of exposure before I can clean my garden out once and for all. A clean, clear mind will allow me to fall deeper into Self. That is where I am heading. I remind myself of that everytime a layer is removed and I see and feel the roots of suffering this "me" is holding.
All is well in my world.
Tara Brach ( January, 2023) Trauma Sensitive Mindfulness-The power of Self Nurturing. https://www.tarabrach.com/trauma-sensitive-mindfulness/
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