The Observer Within

 Observe, and in the observation there is neither the "observer" or the "observed", there is only observation taking place.

Jiddu Krishnamurti

Well that poem I put down yesterday is staying up as part of my practice of embracing the uncomfortable.  It is a low hanging fruit I can practice with.  It is "embarrassing "to the ego and that is wonderful. I observe the embarrassment and ask:

"How do you know you are embarrassed?"

I feel it inside, duh!

"What inside you is embarrassed?" 

Well "me" as the persona that identifies as writer is embarrassed, The not okay  "me" that wants approval and redemption in order to feel okay inside is embarrassed. The "me" that is worried about what other people think and fears rejection is embarrassed. 

"How do you  know "me" is embarrassed?"

Part of this thing "I am",  can see it and feel it.  It is observing it.

"So there is Something else inside you besides this neurotic little me?"

Yeah...I guess. 

 "Who or what  is observing this part of "me" that is embarrassed?" 

Well I am not sure what this thing is. I do know that to be observing it, means that it isn't the same  "me" that is embarrassed.  It has to be outside of it to witness it. So whatever it is, it isn't the "me" that is embarrassed...it is the Observer of it. And  though this Observer is inside this mind and body  with this "me"...it isn't the "me". 

"So ...again...your inner world consists of two beings?" 

Well kind of , I suppose.  There is "me" and there is the Observer of "me". 

 "Is that Observer embarrassed?"

No...this Observer is very objective and neutral in its opinion of things.  It doesn't seem to get upset about what "me" is going through...It tends to watch it, sometimes obsessively,   but is not disturbed by it or its dramas.  It sees that "me" is embarrassed but It isn't. 

"So you have two parts inside you...one part is disturbed and the other part is objectively watching the disturbance but  it, itself, is not disturbed?" 

Yeah...I guess.  One part is peaceful and one part isn't. 

"Okay. You see the two parts inside you right?  One is peaceful and nonreactive; one is very reactive, easily embarrassed, easily disturbed?   If you can see these two parts, you get to choose which one you want to put your attention on.  Don't you?"

I guess.

"Okay. Do you tend, historically, to put most of your attention on this "me" with its  drama or disturbance...focusing on  its embarrassment by saying "I am embarrassed"?  And when you do that, do you not get so lost in the drama you forget all about the other part of you?  Do you get so lost in the drama of me that you forget about the peaceful Watcher of it all.  Do you forget there is another part of you, you could  place your attention on? Do you forget you have another choice? Do you forget that you can choose peace rather than this?"

Yes, I often get lost in "me" and its drama.I am seldom peaceful.

" How does that feel?  How does living feel when you are constantly getting lost in "me" at the exclusion of this Peaceful Observer?" 

Yucky.  Life is hard. It isn't peaceful. It is scary because I never really know how me is going to feel or react to what is happening out there. 

"What do you think would happen, if instead of focusing your attention on this "me" story you put your attention on the peaceful Observer watching this "me" story?"

Well,  I wouldn't be so disturbed.  I would not be so lost in the story of "me", so identified with it, so trapped in it.  I too would look at Life a little more objectively without reacting and getting disturbed.  I would be more peaceful.  Life would be so much less "disturbing". It would be freeing not to be so easily disturbed. 

"Hmm. So why do you think you are not doing that?"

Well the story of me is so dramatic and it keeps pulling me in and once I am in, it is hard to get out.  I don't even know I am in a story anymore when I am there.  It all seems so real...The problems seem so real.  It is hard not to focus on all the so called problems and disturbance.

"Okay ...so I will ask you again.  Who knows and who is watching this story of me you so often find yourself lost in?"

The Peaceful Objective Observer is watching.

"So the other part of you, that is not the "me" but simply observing the me knows you are embarrassed and is watching you, as "me",  get lost in this story?"

Yeah... I guess

"So you are aware then,,. that even though you "think" you are lost in the story of me that something is outside this story watching it?"

Yeah but I am getting confused.

"Bear with me. This thing that is watching the story is not lost in the story, not disturbed by the story, right? It is watching it all from a distance inside you. So if you focus your attention on that, rather than on "me", you won't be lost either.  You won't be disturbed either.

Oh man...this sounds like some kind of riddle.

The same thing that is watching the  story, can stop watching the story. It is just a matter of looking elsewhere. You are not just the "me" caught up in the story. You are the thing watching the story. Choose being the Observer over the "me" and look elsewhere. 

 How do I do that? Me keeps pulling me back in.

""Me"  is not pulling you back in...it is just  the star of a "story" that you are choosing to watch. This story can only continue while the Observer is watching it.  When the Observer is not watching it...there is no story and if there is no story, it was never real .  If the story was never real,  either was the "me". If the "me" was never real, all that is inside you then...in reality...is the Observer. You may not be ready for that yet....so for now,  just be aware that inside you is a great Observer of everything. It is watching this made up drama of "me" and the production is so good sometimes you, as It, get overly absorbed into it.You see "me"and all its drama  as real at those times.  

Huh? 

"Regardless of where you are at in this understanding, choose to identify more with the Observer in you than the "me". Just know and observe what is going on inside you at all times. Observe when you are lost in "me"; observe when you are not. And practice challenging this understanding with challenge that "me" often reacts to.  Practice with little disturbances like embarrassment. Then gradually as you observe, notice more and more when you are not the embarrassed "me" but the undisturbed Observer,  until eventually you are no longer "me "  and just the Observer,  until you are no longer disturbance, just peace. Someday you will recognize yourself as  awareness. Awareness, doesn't get embarrassed or disturbed. Until then keep observing."

Well that is what came out of me. All is well.