"What is Wrong With Me?"

 I had a feeling there was something wrong with me.  I guess I was a mystery even to myself. 

Benjamin Alire Saenz

I am captivated by the question, this morning, "What is wrong with me?"

 Now that is a question that has many sides to it.  First, let me explain where it comes from. Let me share the insignificant and somewhat boring story of detail that belongs to this person I call "me". Why would I bore you with the detail? Because I know this is a question that many of us ask ourselves everyday and I believe it is more important to get to the root of the question than it is to diffuse it  with positive reconstruction. Though the details of our stories may differ, the root cause doesn't. The detail takes us to the root. 

The Present Situation Leading to the Question?

So this question arose in my mind after a shame/guilt reaction this morning when I found myself hesitating to meet self -imposed but socially conditioned expectations.  I didn't jump quick enough on the calls that came in for work and they were taken by others, That means, I once again find myself  'not working and earning money".  The shame comes because I know, I probably could have gotten these jobs ...well at least one maybe... if I didn't over think it and just pressed" accept" as soon as they came in.  But I allowed a certain fear and doubt to stop me from jumping on it. I am not working enough...so my my mind tells me. If I approached this like I did at the beginning with, "This is an adventure.  I won't know what and where I will be until I get there.  Cool!" ...I would be working almost everyday. I am, however,  approaching it ever so cautiously, too cautiously... I am hesitating every time a call comes in...searching to determine  what  will be expected of me that day and questioning if I have the physical and mental stamina to take on that specific  role for eight hours. 

Preferring

I am, in a sense,  attempting to manipulate, control and pick and choose from what life offers so that I feel comfortable inside. I am pushing away...not selecting...that which makes me feel uncomfortable.  I am preferring. My hesitation and reluctance to accept right away is due to preference. And we know, by now, that The great way is not difficult for those who have no preferences, (Third Zen Patriarch), right? The great way is more difficult for those of us that still prefer. Sigh!

Letting Others Down?

Well... in a moment's hesitation the jobs are taken by others.  The window for accepting is small. It has gotten quite competitive.  There are many more available people out there now than there was when I began and my presence, in the pool of many, is really not needed anymore. For the most part, not accepting calls impacts no one except me. I mean there were days when the calls were plenty but because of circumstances or the way I physically felt that day,  I could not take the call. There may have been jobs not filled on those rare days but for the most part this form is not missed. I am really not letting anyone down. So I know that. The fact that the  much needed service I thought I was providing, is not much needed anymore and that others out there might need and want the work more than I do, allows me to rationalize my hesitation. I am not letting anyone down. I may even be helping others by  stepping out of the way for them to jump on the opportunity. Good thing, right? 

So... why the guilt?  Why the fear? Why the question, "What is wrong with me?" 

This is where we trace back. Though it seems that I am asking "What is wrong with me for not working more?"...I am not that upset about what is happening now.  This question  has little to do with  my not working enough today. You see, this little detail in my story triggers a buried detail from a past story.  Through it, I am reminded of a time when I could not work because of health issues and a certain amount of fear related to what might happen if I do.  I chose health and wellness over income and the need to meet social expectations ("people with my education work and earn a certain income...they are productive") ...I felt great shame then.  I felt like I was letting others, besides society,  down...my children mostly because we  had to live on a very fixed and sometimes non existent income. It was really challenging.  There was always the question in the back of my mind then, " Can I push past this?  Am I letting fear get in the way of my providing better for my children and for being a productive member of society?" I felt tremendous shame for not pushing past the body's cry for help....for allowing fear to get in the way.   I believed that if  I pushed past the symptoms and just did what was expected of me, I wouldn't have to make my children suffer.  I wouldn't have to live with such shame over not being a productive member of society. I felt very selfish for choosing my own health over  my children's comfort and society's expectation of me. 

Lurking Beyond the Obvious 

What made it worse was there was also  a non physical wellness issue lurking in the background impacting both  the physical one and the situational one. Severe PTSD from past trauma was crying for me to deal with it. The idea that I  had anxiety was something I never wanted to admit. It led to great shame. It was much easier to accept the physical reasons for my present state of wellness than it was to accept the emotional and mental ones. To me, they were completely separate.  I could not, until the last ten years, see the irreversible connection between the two. I had spent my entire life pushing the pain of my past trauma  down whenever it got triggered and it got triggered a lot!   It was exhausting. No wonder why my heart and body were so tired. My chosen career was actually a very big trigger for these PTSD symptoms, explaining why my health broke down at work. I only realized that in the last few years as well. 

Trigger triggering a trigger, triggering an unresolved wounding

So long story short...when I fail to work or meet social expectation,   I am reminded of that painful time when I had to leave work for health reasons and any remnants of the shame that was there then emerges.  This then triggers a layer of samskara under that related to past trauma triggering from experiences I had in my chosen career over the decades and that takes me back to the rawness of trauma memory where the original wounding began...when I first had to ask that question, "What is wrong with me?"  Meaning:  what is so wrong with me that I would deserve this. This question, from way, way back,  emerges with shame and fear. Though totally irrational, the fear that manifests today, in its varied levels and intensities, ( like that which causes me to hesitate before accepting a job)  is just that fear I had then, making its way through the levels of the samskaras  with each, "I am not meeting social expectation therefore there must be something wrong with me and something "bad and painful" is going to happen as a result."

What the fork does this long boring story have to do with anything crazy lady? 

When we notice ourselves reacting in a given situation, as I did over my hesitancy to accept work, we need to spend, I believe, more time asking "why" we feel that way rather than asking, "What can I do to stop feeling that way?" We need to trace it back.  

Our conditioned core beliefs often come to the surface before we even know where they come from.  Beliefs that there is something wrong with us ( very common) are usually the result of some past wounding that goes all the way back to childhood and have little to do with what is happening in our present set of circumstances.  You may find yourself asking that question, What is wrong with me?,  after your boss reprimands you, or when you make an embarrassing mistake or when your partner leaves you. Though these things are no doubt painful...they are not the cause of the fear and shame.  It goes deeper and if we want true healing and freedom from suffering, we need to get to the roots of it.  Why? Once we see where it all comes from, once we expose it to the light, it loses its fear factor. And shame doesn't do well in the light of day either.  We will, then,  be more likely to deny the automatic urge to keep pushing it back down and we will let the samskaras come up like they are so inclined to do before we let them go.   

What is wrong with "me"?

We can look at that question in many ways. On the surface level you can take it as an opportunity to trace back and get to the root of it, as I have done above, Instead of placating this "me" by saying, "Nothing is wrong with you"...and pretending by building a stronger and prettier outer self...start looking at  the truth in that question. What might not be right inside you? Start looking at the pain and the mess most of us have inside taht we do anything to pretend isn't there. Let's face what is wrong with us  for the sake of healing. 

We can take it deeper. When you ask, what is wrong with "me"?  I want to say: absolutely everything! This "me", which is nothing more than a  self concept built on a collection of learned experiences and stuffed samskaras, which is made from clinging to old wounds and  from preferring comfort inside is perfectly normal, yes, but it is  not something you want to hang on to.  This "me" is what is causing you to have these reactions  today...these hesitations, these painful bouts of fear and shame . This "me" is what is taking you from this precious moment and into the story in your head about all that is wrong with you and Life. 

At a deeper level...this question is very profound.  It has the potential to free you. Use it to come back to Self by dismantling the "me"  one samskara at a time, one root at a time.  Hmm!  

Well that is the way I see it,  But what the  heck do I know?  :) 

All is well in my world.