"I Am Depressed" ?

 

[What we may discover about ourselves when we look inside]: "I have collected all my not okays and identify myself with them."

Michael A. Singer ( paraphrased)

"I am depressed."

You are not depressed...no one is depressed...you are just staring at depression. 

What??? How can you say that?  I am depressed...I have a diagnosis.  I have a biochemical malfunction in my brain!"

Yes, okay.  You may  have a diagnosis of depression.  You may have a biochemical malfunction in your brain...an issue with serotonin or dopamine... but it isn't truth when you say, "I am depressed." 

What???

"I am" is a declaration of the verb "to be" . You cannot "be" depression or depressed.  Your brain and body  can have the biological complications of a biochemical thing or your mind can be having and extreme situational reaction to Life ...but you cannot be it.  Having it and being it are two different things. You are identifying yourself as depression, when you say: "I am depressed.".  How would it sound if I went up to you and said, " Hi Depressed or Depression , I am Colitis.  It is nice to meet you?" 

Are you ridiculing me? I know what I have and how it effects my life.  My body, mind, my thoughts and my emotions are driving me crazy.

Believe me, I am not making fun, I have nothing but empathy for you in this situation. I also agree 100 % with that statement. It makes perfect sense to me when you say "My body, mind, thoughts  and emotions are driving me crazy. "  It is your body,  mind, thoughts and your emotions...not you...that are problematic and when you attach "my" to them...they become something you own and not something you are. It is they that are problematic, not who you are that is

What are you talking about?

Well you are not your body or mind.  You are not your thoughts.  You are not your emotions.  These are just things you "have."

WTFork? 

How does it feel for you to simply change some words around and say, "I have a diagnosed depression."  rather than say, "I am depressed." ?  

I don't know...lighter ?

When we "have"  something ...it is like  we are possessing this thing temporarily,  like holding it in our hands. It is outside of us. The act of having it and holding it are also impermanent.  We can eventually put it down ( we may need help to do that) without losing anything.  When we say "I am", however, ...it is like this thing is who we are and removing whatever it is may seem  more like amputation. We are too attached to it. It is a part of us.

I am not attached to depression!!! I don't want it in my life.  I want to be normal and okay.

Well normal is not necessarily "okay",  but I can truly understand your desire to feel better. I can see why you believe the "depression" is the reason you do not feel okay.  But is it possible that the bigger problem is how your depression has become the focus of your attention and not this so called disorder you have been labelled with?

What?  Of course I am focusing on it. I am constantly facing and drowning in  this heavy darkness that is all around me.

I can only imagine how challenging it is and how it must seem so beyond your control. This so called depression ( and I am only saying 'so-called" because I don't want us to get lost in  concepts) is real...it is what is unfolding in front of you.  It is one thing  Life is presenting to you and it is big....right -smack dab- in -front- of -you big .  Yet, it isn't the only thing Life is giving you right now, is it? There are so many other pleasant" things unfolding around you and other "unpleasant things unfolding and an endless amount of neutral things unfolding that you don't even notice, right? The depression is not the only thing showing up  in your life right now, is it?

No...but how do you expect me to appreciate the other things when this is in the way and I am so busy trying to fix it, so I feel even remotely okay  inside? 

Exactly...you are doing what all of us tend to do to the detriment of our own happiness and peace of mind.  You are staring at what is not okay inside and while you try to find ways to make you feel better and try to find ways to avoid feeling worse.  All your conscious attention is going to the collection of "not okay" you have stuffed inside, this "depression" being the biggest and loudest knot of them all. You are staring at what has become your "problematic and depressed me", at the exclusion of all else.

Huh?

You are not the depression. You are that which is staring at the depression.   Though the experience of depression is very real for you and so in your face, it is not you and you are not it.  It is simply something you are observing.  You are not the collection of "not okayness"  stored inside either...you are simply that which observes it.  This collection of 'not okay' is what has become the "me" of your life. You...who you are...are okay; what you are staring at isn't. The "me" is not okay but you are. The "me" isn't real.

Are you saying I should  feel guilty for focusing on my depression?

Of course not...no, no , no.  You are human and it is human to have our attention pulled down to the most distracting and noisiest thing unfolding in front of us or in us.  Consciousness tends to get  pulled down to the loudest noise.  This experience of "depression" makes a heck of a lot of noise.  It is very normal to get lost in it.  Most people do.  But what if you could be abnormal here? What if you didn't have to get lost in it?   What if you could look at depression as one of those things you are holding in your hands...like a parcel Life has handed you for whatever reason. It wouldn't be a part of who you are.  It would just be something you "have", something you are temporarily holding on to.  While you are holding it...you could still be mindful of all the other things unfolding around you and in you.  You wouldn't be staring at the parcel...you would be looking over it, under it, around it...not denying that it is there  but not focusing solely on it at the exclusion of all else. Wouldn't that be so much more freeing?

Oh...maybe

You are not depressed.  You are just having, among all the other experience potentials around you, a temporary but intense experience where your body (neurotransmitters maybe), your mind, your thoughts and feelings and your "me" are more than a little demanding.  Pay attention sure...do what needs to be done...but do not keep that amazing Light of consciousness, which is you,  focusing there at the exclusion of all else.

All is well. 

Inspired by:   

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( May 1, 2023) False Identification- the Root of Doership. https://tou.org/talks/