Desiring?

 Desires are a direct signal that you are not okay. There is nothing holy about desires

Michael A. Singer

I have a confession to make.  Well not a "Forgive me  Father for I have sinned..." kind of confession , but more of  a... revealing that I am not as far along on this journey as I would like to be... kind of confession. I still have worldly desire.  I am still wondering what I can  grab "out there" so I feel better in here. Yep I still desire.  I still have dreams for this form and for my family that I am clinging to though I am trying to suppress them.  Suppressing them and pretending that I have evolved beyond them doesn't make the desires go away. :) I still day dream, at least once a day, about being pulled up by some redeeming thing I "do" and accomplish, or of my children being pulled up by what they "do" and "accomplish". I want us to be redeemed  to a state of social equality and approval...heck...maybe even to a state of social superiority, making all the worldly problems we are facing now with money, judgement, health and isolation go ..."poof!"... out the window! 

My desiring starts small.  I dream of a slowing down in the addictive and unhealthy patterns I am observing in those I love...small steps taken toward recovery. I dream of  my loved ones having access to the appropriate mental health services they need.  I dream of them feeling better about life and themselves. I dream about them being, at least, willing to hear what I have to say about what I am learning. I dream about them and myself  having enough income to pay off debts and get by, at least without the worry and strain many are facing now. I dream about all of us having enough mental and physical health to live a fairly decent life.  I dream about us being more peaceful. I dream about this house getting cleaned and maintained somehow.  I dream about being able to travel a bit more...to see a bit more of the world. I dream about maybe having more yoga students, more readers here, publishing another article or two. Small desires maybe...but still desires that involve a "looking out there" to make me feel better "in here". Desires that take me from the "what is" of my life. I desire freedom from suffering and I desire peace. Sigh!

When I let myself go there, I have bigger desires too!  I dream about being published and paid  for what I do. I dream about publishing a book that increases my readership. I dream about having readers that appreciate and  validate that I am providing a service, letting me know in someway that it is okay to spend my days writing!  I dream about having a little more money than what is required to get by so I can save and never have to worry about it, while having enough to give more to my loved ones and those others who need it.  I have dreams of teaching what I so want to teach and knowing that I actually am reaching people. I dream of my children taking the path I am taking towards  healing and understanding of Truth or at least getting far onto another path that will take them towards recovery. I have dreams of being able to travel once a year, being on a beach in some lovely tropical get away one year...travelling the streets of Europe another year. I have dreams of having enough money  to hire a housekeeper to do the heavy cleaning once a week  and maybe enough to do the renos that so need to be done around here.   I have dreams of being redeemed...creating something that makes others who once believed I was nothing see that I am something. I dream of happiness. Sigh!

And I can, if I permit myself, have even bigger desires! I dream about becoming a best selling author.  I dream about reaching millions with my words and having a global impact. I dream about having enough money to do the things I can only image doing now...taking the whole family on big vacations...getting them the best help possible...living in a house on a beach somewhere that I don't have to clean  and that my children and grandchildren visit often. I dream about them all finding their way and being well.  I dream  about  taking my teaching to stages all over the world, reaching large groups of people with my healthy, recovered children by my side. I dream of being full of joy and enthusiasm for life. Sigh!

So yeah...I dream and I desire worldly things. These dreams get bigger and bigger, when I allow it,  even though I know that these worldly desires are not what I really want.  I want what  I erroneously believe these desired things will bring: peace, happiness, joy and enthusiasm for life.   I want an end to suffering and possibly some peace...that is what I want at the base level. I dare not, my mind tells me, ask for too much at once but it  would be really nice, as well, if everyone around me could be happy. Seeing joy and enthusiasm for life radiating from myself and all whom I love may be a stretch right now but yeah, if I am being honest...I want that too someday ( that hope thing again) .  

So I do desire and I do dream about things changing outside of me but I also know that it is not these things that need to  come into my life in order for me to be free from suffering, at peace, happy and even joyful and enthusiastic. Though it may not be skillful or wholesome to linger in desire, suppressing desire is not the answer either. We are human, and humans have desiring minds. We are going to want and we are going to dream. 

We just need to recognize when we are desiring and come to terms with why we are dreaming. Then we have to remind ourselves that even if we get what we want, that will not change the root cause of our desiring. 

So our desiring often comes from this idea that we are lacking and not okay inside.  Desiring takes our attention away , then, from appreciating what we do have.  Maybe we are not lacking in reality? Maybe we already have more than we believe we do? I am reminded that to many, many people out there looking in at my world, I would be viewed as very fortunate.  Many might  even desire what I have.  They may desire the bits unfolding in my experience that I  feel are not enough. This life style I am living  may be more than enough for others. Infact, my life may be seen as purely abundant!To many homeless people, I have a wonderful home and it is a lot cleaner and more comfortable than where they are living right now! To many poverty stricken people scrounging for food to feed their families with,  I have an abundance of financial wealth. To many people with children who overdosed or took their own lives, my children are very healthy and well off.  To many people, living in war torn countries, I have peace. To many people living in countries where they have to pay for health care service, the services my children and I  have access to are a true blessing.  To many people living in cramped cities, the part of the world I ended up on is a beautiful vacation land in itself. To many people having to put all their energy into mere survival or to those isolated for whatever reason, I am fortunate just to be able to write and reach one reader, to teach yoga to one student.  To many people my life may be  something they dream of having? How can I, then, even see myself as lacking enough to want more? 

In order to achieve these grander dreams I must accept something that may not be wholesome in the bigger picture. It may require that this "me" gains a "special" status. Specialness means that I must have more than others; do more than others; stand out more than others etc.  It is a setting apart. from others. We desire sometimes to gain and maintain a special status through our dreaming. Do I really want to do that? Seeking a "special" status also  comes from a sense of lacking and a sense that we are not okay inside. Why are we not okay with just being ordinary?  Why  do we want to be "extraordinary"? Will that  take away our deep sense of unworthiness that often spurs on our desiring? No, it won't.   

When are we going to realize that getting what we desire is not going to make us okay inside? Our pursuit of this false idea that it will...will lead to a lot of longing, hoping, being pulled out of our moment, reality denying and eventually disappointment. 

When we catch ourselves desiring we can , instead of asking, "How can I get that which I desire?"...ask:  "Why am I desiring? Why and how am I not okay inside?" That question will pull the mind away from its longing tendency, away from its habit of running from reality and it will guide us to look inside for the solutions for our lack of okayness. 

If we become aware that we are desiring and then ask those questions, we can begin to work on  fixing what is broken inside. We can become okay inside!  That will put an end to the need for desire  We can operate from  a deeper consciousness that knows we need nothing from the outside world to be complete and whole. Peace, happiness, enthusiasm and joy  cannot be found in anything out there. They are inside us already, waiting to be discovered. 

Something to ponder.

All is well.

Michael A. singer/ Temple of the Universe ( May 23, 2023) Freeing Consciousness- The Path from Distraction to Liberation.https://tou.org/talks/