Set It Free

 

Hiding pain requires an enormous amount of energy, sharing is liberating.

Carly Simon

I share a lot here, much to the horror of many who know "me". Too much embarrassing self disclosure .  I do not do it carelessly or for the sake of ego gratification. I do have a deeper purpose for coming here. I do.  The whole time I am here, I am not sure how many people I am reaching or if it really matters.  I am not promoting "self" here. Last week the site said I had over 100 readers/day and today I have less than ten ( I question the site statistics because it differs from google analytics...but it doesn't matter.)  What I do here is kind of like writing a message in a bottle and throwing it into the universal ocean.  Not sure what shore the bottle will land on or if it will be read or by whom ( hearing a great big resounding "Poem" in my head lol...meaning there will probably be a poem following this entry). Anyway, it doesn't matter.  I do the writing and the sharing because I feel I have to and then I send it out. Where it lands after that, is not up to me. This "message in a  bottle" will reach a reader somewhere someday that needs what I have to share.  That I know. That is really all I need to know. 

Big long spiel yesterday.  Why do I tend to share such boring details?  Hmm! I share my realizations  for my own healing and for yours.

Thought

The resistance I experienced yesterday came with meeting a barrier (my body's complaints)  in my decision to keep up with social expectations. I was committed to proving myself in order to counter  the thought "You are not "earning" and "doing" enough so you are not meeting social expectations! You are not pleasing others, Painful consequences come when you don't please others." When I didn't work, the thought won. 

Emotion

And that comes with a certain degree of "shame" and "fear". Yucky almost paralyzing emotions.

Core Belief  

These emotions are directly connected to the core belief, "You are not worthy! Though you will never be worthy, you need to work really hard to be permitted to stay here and not be punished for being here." 

Memory: Individual and/or Collective

And that is related to a memory from this lifetime and possibly from others. ( Generationally so...I come from a  line of poor Irish immigrants. My poverty stricken and misplaced grandfather just happened to marry into a well to do English family here. And from what I understand, he was never truly accepted. My mother's story, of not being enough, is much more painful. This is just a smidgeon of the generational shame I inherited. I strongly believe Jung's theory of collective unconsciousness.  Though I can not prove it with scientific evidence, I intuitively propose that we not only inherit the biological and genetic markers from our ancestors, but also  their memories in a vague and diffuse form. And if you want to get a little "woo-woo", I believe we also inherit  their karma.)  

Samskara

Okay...back to the so called "my story". This ingrained and sometimes deeply buried  belief/ memory/karma, with all the emotional energy wrapped around it, is one of "my" many samskaras. 

"Why on earth would you share something so pathetic crazy lady? That belief and that shame  is not something you are meant to share.  It is meant to be hidden inside. What will people think of you?"

Hmm! First of all, I know intuitively, that I am not the only one who is hiding such a shame inducing samskara within me and whose life is being deeply and darkly affected by it.  If you took the time to really look inside yourself, past all your mind stuff and defenses ...you are likely to find something similar lurking in your cellar as well. You will likely find a painful memory or pattern that you have suppressed or repressed. The problem is in the hiding of it...the resistance of it....not the thing itself.

 I hid this thing inside "me"  most of my life. It was buried so deep, I couldn't truly see it or understand it.  All I knew is that it felt "real bad".  Everytime it got triggered by something outside and that awful and strange shame and fear would emerge, I would do what ever I could to push it back down. It got triggered a lot.  (The bigger the samskara the more likely it is going to get poked by life events.)  There was a lot of triggering and a lot of pushing down. It was exhausting keeping it down, keeping it hidden, keeping it free from the bumps and pokes out here. And it was impossible!  As much as I tried, I couldn't control the triggers that activated it. I couldn't control Life.

To it, the triggers were not a bad thing but a blessing. It wanted to come up.  To be seen! To be expressed! Why? Because it wanted to make my life more miserable than it already seemed to be? No!  Because it was simply following its natural tendency to be expressed, experienced and then released. It wanted to be set free. It didn't want to be inside anymore than I wanted it inside me. I, all my life, was refusing to "experience" it  and the pain it was buried in,  so I was holding it prisoner inside me. You are likely doing the same with your samskaras, whatever they are. An unhappy prisoner makes an unhappy warden.

So I share these realizations  with you as they emerge in the mundaneness of this life I call "mine". I want to heal by setting the samskaras inside  free.  I want you to heal so you are free as well. So I share.

I see with a certain amount of clarity as I awaken ( albeit slowly and somewhat awkwardly :)).  I am not asking you to trust that...I am just asking you to trust yourself enough to look deeply inside.  See what is there hidden in your own heart nd mind and set it free.

All is well.