Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world; today I am wise, so I am changing myself.
Rumi
Despite a gruelling weekend of in your face reminders of the suffering of those I love the most, I was ready, mentally and emotionally, to go in today...so ready. I was even looking forward to it. It would be a good distraction that would help me, a bit, to overcome my financial despair. I was committed and had peace in that commitment. Then at 11PM last night the belly started acting up big time...something I am used to, something I knew would go away, and something I could handle...but also something I couldn't bring outside this house. I found myself resisting that with a big "No! I am ready to go in...I worked through this so I could go in. Why is the body acting up now, getting in my way? " I slept maybe three hours but still I was committed to going in. I was awake before my alarm, for reasons other than anticipatory anxiety this time. "Maybe," I told myself. "It will all be over by the time I have to go in." Then the doubting mind said, "What if it isn't? You know how this works...you can't be 'out there' and going through this pain. You have to make sure it is all over." I decided to get up, try eating and drinking tea...to see what would happen. The belly was definitely not okay but I still told myself maybe...maybe I could do it. As I was debating back and forth with myself, the opportunities came and went.
Through this I found myself resorting to self punitive self talk, "This is just a psychosomatic thing....another avoidance technique you are using to get out of doing the uncomfortable.''...it even went farther than that, "What is wrong with you? You are not earning ...not even in your yoga...so you should be more productive around here. You don't do enough to be considered even remotely productive. Look at this house and yard. You can't even have people over. You should be spring cleaning the upstairs and basement. Everything needs a fresh coat of paint. And the outside of the house needs some work. It doesn't have to look like a scene from the Trailer Park Boys. You are so lazy. Everything and everyone is a mess because you don't "do" enough!"
The more I allowed it to go on the more punitive and self deprecating the talk became. So on top of the pain in my gut, I felt shame in my gut. There was a big drop in consciousness energy downward...fast!
So as I sat there nursing my belly and my broken esteem, I listened to Michael A. Singer. I was reminded of what I was doing and what I could do about it. I was not okay inside...this "idea" I created of my inability to keep up with social pressure to be okay was triggering my own unokayness. I wanted and needed to let it go. I reminded myself of my spoken priority in life: to do and be whatever I had to do or be to be okay inside. That meant, I knew, letting go of this low hanging fruit that hung before me so the big stuff could come through. This is the process I developed and adapted from Michael A. Singer:
1. Step Back and Witness: This is the first and most crucial step. We need to step back from the experience or the reaction and observe what is happening objectively. A willingness to look inside and a basic understanding that we are not that which is happening in us or out there, is all that is required. Doing so creates a distance between us and what we are experiencing so we are not so lost in it. Instead of identifying with it, we can see it clearly. As a nurse who learned and taught how to document objectively, I tend to write my inner experiences down.
2. Do a Reality Check: What is real here? I answer those questions knowing that anything that already happened is real and cannot be changed. What is real is this stomach thing, whatever the cause. It is real. What is real is that it happened at a time I was planning on accepting work. What is real is that I made a choice I cannot go back on ( what is done is done) and that means I missed more work. I missed out on income. What is real are the numbers in my bank accounts. What is real is that I resorted to old habit tendencies of negative thinking and self-deprecating. What is real was at those low moments, I was not self compassionate...at all. What is real is that beating myself up made me feel worse and made this "drama" noisier and more attractive to my consciousness. What is real is that my consciousness and my energy took a nose dive and that only made things worse. What is real is this entire "experience".
3. Allow, Accept and Even Embrace what is real. Once I determine what is real I allow it to be exactly as it is. The physical stuff is easy for me. I accept this belly thing when it comes...I allow it to be exactly what it is. I accept pain in any form. It comes, and in my practice, I have learned to automatically accept it and allow it. I started my practice with Charlie Horses...those severe and sudden cramps one gets in the calves and feet. They can be pretty nasty, right? The fact they come on so suddenly can lead to a great deal of resistance. Well I learned to, instead of jumping up and down like I am putting out a fire...screaming "No! No! No!" , to just sit with them, breathe in to them. I observe them, allow them and watch as they climax and then dissipate. I even embrace each cramp by saying to myself, in not so many words, "Hello pain. What have you to teach me today?" They last half the time without any story of why they shouldn't be attached to them. I have transferred that learned skill onto experiences with other pain I get in my body. Once I let go of my resistance to the fact that the belly thing was screwing up my commitment to work this morning, I asked that question. Then I began to wonder if it was in the universal plan that the pain came when it did, possibly so that I would come here to write about it?
I also accept and allow my reaction and my resistance when I observe it. I allow and accept, even if I am not at the point I am embracing lol, my financial situation. Most importantly, I am allowing, accepting and embracing the release of samskaras, regardless of how painful and "problematic' it may seem to make my life. I rejoice in every thing that is released!
4. Relax and Let Go: Michael A. Singer reminds us how important this step is, in helping us to move past our resistance so things can flow through us. I suggest training ourselves to relax by practicing relaxation when there is nothing in particular we have a tendency to want to resist. Make relaxation a daily practice through meditation, relaxation exercises like PMR, yoga, Tai Chi, deep breathing, breath awareness...whatever. So when the time comes that we catch ourselves in resisting mode we can almost automatically relax enough to let go of that which we are resisting so it can pass right through us. I think I heard him say : Relaxation is the antithesis to resistance.
5. Confront the truth and Reconstruct the thoughts in a positive, life affirming way that lifts the conscious energy. Thoughts can be changed! I can go back and reconstruct those thoughts so they are more positive, self compassionate and energy lifting. Though that doesn't change past or what happened in the past, it will improve the way I feel about myself now and in the future.
- Is it true that I was avoiding? Maybe, but definitely not at a conscious level. "I am not sure if the belly was a psychosomatic avoidance technique I was using. If it was, it was not conscious. Regardless, it was very real to my belly and body."
- Is it true that I missed work and missed out on a day's income? That I missed out on many opportunities for one reason or another. Yes. Can it be changed? No...what is done is done. But the way I look at this experience can be reconstructed. "Yes I missed out on work today but it was beyond my conscious control I made a choice based on what was presenting in me at the moment for the betterment of all."
- Is it true that I am unproductive? That would depend on whose definition of unproductive I am using. " It may be true...and again I don't know....that many people out there would consider me unproductive, even lazy, based on the things I do not do. Yet...I know in some ways I am very productive. I study nonstop...sometimes reading a book a day. I write 2000 + words a day, I write poetry, I submit some, I do a committed practice of healing every single day, I do complete the basic house keeping chores daily and I do teach yoga whether I have a full class or not. I clean the studio prior to every class. I am also realizing that society's idea and need for productivity is not "my need" any longer. I choose and will continue to choose doing whatever I can to ensure peace of mind, over productivity everyday." Can the lack of productivity be changed? Definitely, I can make a plan to complete those things listed in my self talk if I choose to.
- Is it true that I am lazy? No. I work very hard at certain things and when I commit to hard physical labour I can push myself through unbelievable feats. " I am not lazy. I prefer the term "sloth and torpor" and though I do see how I am often facing that tendency in myself, I, as a person, am not lazy. ( Lazy, can not follow "I am" in any of us.) I have a powerful active mind that will allow me to push this wonderful body with its limitations very far. When I am motivated I can even push past this body's pain, this body's response to exertion...even when it means I might be be less than compassionate to its needs. I am sometimes overcome with mental and physical fatigue as I journey through this healing I am doing...but I am not lazy. It may seem lazy to others when I focus more on "inner productivity and cleansing" than I do on outer...but I am not lazy. No I am very far from lazy!
- Is it true that everyone and everything is a mess because I do not do enough. No. "I am not responsible for the unokayness in other people. Though my lack of so-called productivity may be triggering the "unokayness" in others, I do not have the power to make a mess of others or everything. I have the power to support and encourage others and the best way I can do that is by cleaning out my own inner mess and being as okay as I can be. My focusing inward is the best thing I can do for others."
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